Ambivalence

The last few days have been a mix of emotions. It’s kind of hard to put into words. I feel the baby move inside me, and I become so excited; I can’t wait to meet him/her. I can’t wait until Ryan can feel the baby’s movement! I can’t wait to find out if our little one is a little girl or a little boy. I think about Ryan as a daddy, about what a good job he’s going to do. I remember that Ryan & I will just have these short, precious months before the baby’s born where it’s just him and me, and I feel a little sad. Actually, that is probably the thing I feel most ambivalent about: it’s not going to be just me and Ryan anymore. No more week long trips for at least a couple of years, maybe longer depending on when we have another child. No more undisturbed evenings together every night. No more lazy Sunday mornings of sleeping in and movie afternoons. I realize we will still have time to connect, but I am also not naïve enough to think it will ever be the same; never again will it be quite as much time as we have together now (well at least for the next 20 years or so…). I’m also wise enough to know that the time with our children will be one of the best gifts ever bestowed upon us by the Lord, one of the sweetest things we will ever experience. I think about holding the baby, caring for it but I also remember how hard that task is going to be, and I feel a little scared. I wonder how we’re going to do everything financially…and if I’ll really be able to stay home like my dream has always been. I love being pregnant but know the time is short in the grand scheme of my baby’s life, so I hold onto these sweet months knowing I’ll only get to experience this maybe twice in my life. I think about how the care my grandma needs is going to increase within the next months or year or so, and I wonder how I’ll be able to handle caring for her and for a child. I look at experienced moms with their babies or their little kids and I marvel at how they just know what to do, what the child needs, how to provide for them, and I wonder if I’ll be able to do all those things.

These have been the things I’ve been mulling over in my mind and in my heart recently, just as I or anyone else tends to do in the midst of a great change. I also know – I just know – God will enable us for this task and the future, and it will be awesome.