August

Doughnut girl

I feel like this whole summer has been a blur. It went by at what seems like twice the speed of a normal month, which made me want to scream at time to stop as I watched Zooey grow into an almost-four-year-old and I felt Tennyson grow to full-term. How does it go so fast!? I'm sure a big part of it is our schedules getting full for the school year: swim lessons ended, but speech changed to two different places in the week, BSF kicked off with some leaders' training, and - OH.MY. GOODNESS - Zooey started preschool! Add to that the remodel on our home and prepping things for a baby, and I feel like I wake up, blink and then it's time for bed. Seriously, it's crazy. So, let's see...what's been going on?

Zooey is doing fabulous at her speech therapy! She talks all the time. She makes up stories, tells us about her day, asks us more questions than she was a month ago and is still saying funny things to make us laugh. Her SLP she had for the summer (and we're continuing to see because she's wonderful) is really proud of how far she's come in the three months she's seen her.

Zooey has really begun to take off with a love for learning. She knows most of her letters by sight and the sound they make, she can count up to 20 (most of the time without assistance) - which I actually found out the first time tonight when she was looking at the calendar.  She loves books and being read to and enjoys reading to herself and her dolls or animals. She likes puzzles and can most often figure out a new one all on her own. She has a new love for tea parties. She loves to wear dresses and picks one out almost daily to wear; she always wants to wear her "pretty shoes" (dress shoes) with them. Zooey also got a haircut this month. She wanted short hair like "Mommy and RaRa's." It is adorable, and she loves her hair!

This little girl is FULL of energy, life, happiness and joy. She is compassionate and sensitive, and she forgives very easily. She has a growing love for Jesus that is shown by her love for her Bibles, singing praise songs to Him and praying. Zooey is super sweet and is very loving with babies and other children. She continues to be a daddy's girl, loving to spend every moment she can with him when he is home at night or on the weekends.

As I mentioned, she started preschool late this month. She loves it! She is always very excited to go. Her favorite thing so far has been the class library; she gets to pick out a book every school day. She also talks a lot about snack and what she played outside. The first day of school was a child's birthday, and the class got cupcakes. When I have asked her since then what she's had for snack, she always prefaces it by saying she did not eat cupcakes. :)

Playing at Open House

So excited for her first day!

Ready to go in

She remembered just what to do

Some funny things she's said:
- "Me open you tummy, see baby Tennyson"
- Her expressions are adorable! "Ah man!" "Oh well!" "Oopsie" "Oh silly me."
- I'm trying to get my comments when driving (which are not terrible!) under control, because little ears are listening... "Come on car - go!" "Scoot car scoot scoot!"
- My leg fell asleep the other day, and she said, "Me kiss you leg, Mommy. Good night leg!"

One thing I've really been praying for enabling to impress God's Word on my children's hearts and to talk about it during our days (Deut. 6:6-9). I am reading an excellent book right now called Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids With the Love of Jesus. God has been working on some sin-habits in my own life big time lately, and one of the things my pastor keeps saying is that we must preach the Gospel to ourselves regularly. That really hit me. I think all too often I find myself in a place where I compromise with sin and take advantage of God's grace, or I fail to think of the greatness of grace and the ugliness of my sin and my deep need for Him. I really want Zooey to be in the habit of preaching the Gospel to herself on a regular basis. I don't want her to be addicted to human compliments and adoration; I want her to know the freedom that she is good because God's Son's sacrifice made her good - and she doesn't have to earn it. And I want her to know that no one can be good or obedient without it. Social obedience is not godliness; walking in obedience to Him can only come from falling deeply in love with Him and the outpouring of obedience that naturally comes from that love and from the help of the Holy Spirit. It's actually very cool to see how God is giving me wisdom and discernment (which I pray for all.the.time as a mom) to help shape her character and at the same time, through many avenues, He's taking me (sometimes painfully) down a road to deeper sanctification.

Hm - a future triathlete?

Making a "campfire" from rocks and sticks in the driveway

First Pedicure

a day at the zoo

after her hair cut

looking through her binoculars for Daddy who was hard at work at home

Motherhood

Motherhood is nausea and a crushed bladder and insomnia. Motherhood is talking to and protecting a life the size of a pinhead. Motherhood is excruciating labor and bliss at first sight. It is sleepless nights and stolen 3am kisses. Sore nipples, stretch marks and baby weight. Motherhood is swollen pride at the first smile, the first steps and the first word, the joy at hearing "Mama"...and sometimes the pierced heart of hearing the same word when it's coming from an ill little voice that you can't do anything for. Motherhood fills the heavens with whispered middle-of-the-night prayers of thanksgiving, for wisdom, for healing and of joy. Motherhood is also being a chef, a confidante, a valet, a punching bag, a physician, a teacher, and entertainer. Motherhood is being good cop and bad cop. Motherhood is a learning experience. It is knowing when to hold a hand, hold them close or let them go. From no one else will a mother learn more about patience than from her child. It is a job in which one pays very close attention to one's mistakes - and one's triumphs. It is knowing when to scold and when sometimes good humor is the best reaction. Motherhood is fleeting, yet it is lifelong. Motherhood is relishing ten little fingers and toes and then, later, them finding the one and counting their own child's tens. It is silently praying that your child will make the right choice, the godly choice, then trusting that you've raised them well enough to do it. Motherhood is as individual as it is a club, and it brings a sense of camaraderie that only moms can understand. Motherhood makes one stronger, yet also shows just how weak and powerless we can be, how dependent we must be on a Dependable God. Motherhood is a privilege, one that I am so thankful for.

Freeze!

I have to wonder if all mommies have moments where they wish they could stop the clock, scoop their children into an embrace and just hold them there. The last eight and a half months have gone by faster than any other period of time in my life. I look at Zooey and I want to freeze everything about her right now; I don't want to ever forget it. And yet, I know that someday my job as mommy will be as complete as it can be, and she will be grown leaving these brief moments as memories. And I know that every stage will bring more fun, memorable moments along with it. I want to remember...

...the way she smiles and wiggles her whole body in joy when I go in to get her up from sleep
...the way she practically jumps out of my arms to get to Daddy when he gets home
...her fast, excited breathing when she's happy and can barely contain herself
...the way she practices making different sounds in the backseat while we're driving somewhere
...the way she furrows her brow in concentration when she's reaching for her finger foods, or when she falls backwards as if to say "what just happened?"
...how she daintily toys with my necklace then squeals and tries to put it in her mouth
...the way she snuggles on my lap as I read to her
...the weight of her in my arms as she stares outside when she wakes up

There's so much more. I replay these moments in my mind each day before I go to sleep - the sweet blessing she is and how much fun we have together as a family. It is all just so sweet...it leaves me without words.

Cherishing my Zooey tonight

How did I get so blessed to have such a sweet little baby, my Zooey? How is it that I was given such a precious gift? I look at her...she is such a source of immense joy for me. She is definitely one of the "perks" of this earthly life. I read a story today about a lady who had her sweet baby early this morning; he passed away this afternoon. I held my sweet Zooey and rocked her as she cried for an hour, completely missing her nap for whatever reason, and I cried. I cried for the poor woman who lost her sweet little boy, and instead of going home from the hospital with her bundle of joy, she will go home and plan his funeral. I cried for the sweet little baby, who although I know received pain meds and was surely on palative care, who I know received an outpouring of love in his sweet life, also knew a life of pain, of labored breathing. I cried tears of thanksgiving and from a cherishing heart for my little Zooey. I took on a whole new perspective of this time. I was thankful for the opportunity to hold her through these tears, thankful for the chance for time with her. That story just broke my heart and made me cherish what I've been given so much more. My prayers are with this sweet family, and my heart breaks for them. I don't understand why God allows what He does. I really don't...soooo many things I don't fully understand. But I can say for certain that He touched my heart and made me think about how fragile life is today and how my life, Zooey's life, Ryan's life are all in His hands. I can only imagine the impact this story made on many others, as well. Maybe He's even pointed someone to Him for the first time. And I know for certain that this sweet little baby is with Jesus now - perfect in form, probably being rocked in His arms, knowing perfect love and perfect peace. And although I don't understand it, what better life is that to have right from the start?

My living room looks like Fisher Price threw up on it

Seriously. I used to have a nice, cozy feel with room for guests to sit and chat. Now I have a swing, jumparoo, playpen, activity mat and don't forget the baby blanket, Boppy and burp cloths. It's not like I have room for this stuff somewhere else. It would only block closets and create fire hazards. I guess it's just part of the gig when you have a kid, right? I know someday I'm going to look around at broken vases and disarray and think back on these days with nostalgia, because right now Zooey's not mobile enough to cause damage. I also know someday I'm going to look at pictures of my living room chaos and remember scooping my baby up from each of these various baby items and ache for the time I could hold her in my arms. So - I embrace the chaos of baby toys and cherish every sweet second when my little girl looks up at me from them and smiles.

I love...

I love how much fuller life is with a child. I had to leave BSF early today to pick up Zooey; they were having a fellowship, so I went back to let people visit with Zooey. One lady put it perfectly in saying something like you have no clue how much you'll love your child until you have one. No clue how you'll look at them and feel like you could just stare and stare for hours and be so in love. No clue how all the instincts kick in. Life is just so full! I can't explain it other than that. Full of joy, love, fun...and so much more. Yesterday we had a fun playtime with Daddy; he always holds Zooey up in his big arms and helps her "walk," which she loves. He was snuggling with her and playing with her. Awesome. For one of her naps, he went in to get her, and she saw him and just totally lit up - smiled and kicked her legs, and my heart melted. I love watching my family! I love seeing toys in the corner and peeking in on her before I go to bed, seeing her in blissful baby sleep. I sound like a big gushball, but I just love being a mom. And I love my little Zooey.

4am Feedings

This morning at 4am as I was nursing and snuggling Zooey I got to thinking about how when I was little I loved to snuggle with my mom. I obviously don't remember being a baby, but I do remember being small and wishing to be around my mom a lot - and I loved her hugs. Now we hug when we need encouragement or at a holiday or birthday, but it's just not the same. We don't hug just to be close; I guess that these physical needs for closeness are now met by spouses. I haven't thought about that in a long time, and as I look back over my life, the time being small is such a blur. I have some sharp memories from being a child, but most of the memories are like every other memory, buried because it wasn't hugely significant. My friends tell me how much nursing your baby changes over the year. Babies go from being so small and needing so much help and focusing on the task, mom & baby relishing the bonding & closeness, to being distracted and knowing just what to do. The authors of books and articles all say that looking back on these early weeks and 3am feedings makes them wish they cherished that time, because it goes so fast. I am trying to cherish it. I know that 18 years from now when Zooey's off to college and I'm feeling nostaligic, I'll look back on these bleary-eyed encounters that were so sweet, just the two of us. And even now, I cherish it, because I know the food and the comfort are growing her into who she will be. Little by little, slowly yet very quickly, the snuggles Zooey & I share will grow farther apart. God is so good to give us little Zooey, and I am so thankful He's entrusted us to her. Being a mom is the sweetest, most amazing job He has ever dealt me. I pray that He will help me to cherish and savor each moment, not taking one for granted. I pray that He will help me to tell Zooey all about Him and show her all about Him through my actions. I pray that He will help me & Ryan to raise her in such a way that we will fully trust letting her go into the world someday. Although a part of me can't wait for Zooey to sleep through the night, I've come to realize that I can wait and even enjoy it with the right perspective. It will come soon enough.

Things "I never"

I never knew I'd be able to function on so little sleep.

I never knew I'd have such an ache to be able to nurse my baby.

I never knew I'd be able to differentiate cries and noises with accuracy.

I never knew I'd have such a tough job come so naturally.

I never knew that one little face could cause so much joy...or pull so much sympathy out of me.

Same goes for one little noise.

I never knew you could get so lost in someone's eyes.

I never knew that holding your child can bring you comfort and peace, too.

I never understood just how fast time can go.

I never comprehended my parents love for me until now.

I never knew I could love another person so ferociously and so innocently - so unselfishly.

I have never had such a high level of respect and love for my husband as I do now. He's such a great dad.

I thought I "got" the importance of a tight-knit family revolving around the Lord - not until now.

I have never had such a deep understanding of the Cross until now - how God looked down on HIS ONLY SON, God Himself, dying down here. For us. Unselfishly. I have never so readily said "I would die for someone" than I have with my sweet daughter. Through relationship with her, God has given me a deeper a view of grace, a view that makes my heart leap with gratitude in my chest and ache in better understanding of just what that sacrifice cost Him.

There is so much more that I know now about life from having a baby, and it's only been 2 and a half precious weeks!

Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with this gift and for all You've already shown us. Ready us for the road that lies ahead.

God's timing

Wouldn't it be neat/blessing/weird/cool if the baby came on September 29th? For those of you who know me, you'll know that 5 years ago on September 29th I had a pretty big shock of heartache. Although I look back at this heartache in my life and realize God had an amazing purpose in mind for my life (stronger faith, full reliance on Him, Ryan, becoming more self-sufficient), cognitively in September and early October every year I face a small bout of depression. This year has been different, of course, because I have so much to look forward to. God has really brought it to my mind in the last few days that, even if baby's arrival date is not Sept. 29th, He is really bringing this verse full circle in my life this year through a new closeness in my marriage and through the exciting expectency of our daughter's arrival: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm - my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed." Joel 2:25-26. Praise the Lord for the intimate way He works in our lives, the details He never forgets, His tender and compassion to hear, see, remember and be concerned and bless us, mere humans.

I just SAW the baby move in my belly!! She was kicking real hard, so I thought I'd look & sure enough. SO AWESOME!

We are SO in love!!

Alright everyone...here is a picture of our sweet girl. This is the 4D one the tech took, and it shows her little profile perfectly. I look at her, and I just take a deep breath and am filled with excitement, love, joy and so much more. I can't wait to meet her in person!

I believe I've found a nursery theme! We're going to register this weekend. I will be sending an e-mail to those near and dear who have asked for the theme info. :)

It's A Girl!

Well, we got the big ultrasound today, and we are the proud parents of a little girl. We are SO excited! Now we can start registering and buying little things...cute little pink things! :) She is about 13 ounces, or the weight of a soda can. Once I get a scanner up and running (or use the one at work), I will post some pic's of the ultrasound. An answer to prayer was that the tech did a 4D ultrasound of her face without us even asking! It's really cool; I can't wait to share. It was amazing to see how perfectly the baby's formed in there: spine, arms, feet...it's truly a God-thing. The tech said the baby is perfect and that I looked good, too. It was so sweet and such an amazing experience to see our little one for the first time. I think we are going to register this weekend, and I will post the info. on here for those of you who have asked. We ran to Target to get a body pillow to make sleeping more comfy for my ever-expanding belly, and I just had to stop by the baby aisle. Looking at the little pink socks and onsies, the little caps and especially those little mittens...I just had to sigh at the excitement. It will be so much fun to have a little girl! This milestone just makes it sink in even deeper in my heart that we are going to be parents. I am just so thankful for this experience and am cherishing every moment that I can!

Oh, hey! I meant to post awhile back that if you want, you can always post a comment to "write back." Feel free. :) We'd love to hear from you!

First Little Flutters

I forgot to post a week 15 update (pregnancy brain!). I think I’m just going to post on Wednesday, since that marks Week 16.

I felt the baby move on Saturday! We were standing in line at the grocery store, and I felt a fluttering type sensation in my abdomen. At first I didn’t know what it was, and I actually asked Ryan if the floor was shaking. It wasn’t (duh). But the sensation continued the whole time we were in line; it was so cool! It felt like if you were to lightly drum your fingers on your arm, only it was on the inside. Wow! I told Ryan I thought the baby was moving, but he didn’t really believe me at first. We both kind of shrugged it off as something that wouldn’t happen for another couple weeks, “maybe I just had gas” type moment. Yesterday I was talking to my mom and another lady at work, though, and they both said that’s exactly what it was. I also told another friend here, and before I could even describe the “finger drumming fluttering” sensation, that’s exactly how she described it! I even felt it again this morning right when I woke up. It’s just so amazing and such a blessing to be carrying a baby.

One of the reasons I think this is just so cool – especially at 15.5 weeks is because I actually prayed two quick little prayers on Friday morning in the shower: that I wouldn’t have to wait until 19 or 20 weeks to feel the baby move and that Ryan & I would be able to find some of the things we need that we’re not registering for and save money on them. We got on Craig’s list on Friday night and saw two such items, a brand new, wrapped breast pump and a brand new, in-the-box stroller. We e-mailed on both of them and were able to purchase a pump normally costing $280 for $160 and a stroller normally costing $150 for $50! God is just SO good!! He truly cares about the intimate details of our lives. It’s so cool to do this blog to journal for myself, because I think it’s so easy to overlook or even forget some of these little things He does for me. And I know it’s not just me – I sit in our leader’s circle on Saturday mornings and listen to the ladies share answers to prayer requests that were given and even little ones throughout the week. I am constantly amazed at the grace and unconditional love of the Lord.

May 20th

The ultrasound is scheduled for May 20th at 2:00. YAAAAAAAYYYY!! We're pretty excited. :) I will be posting my weekly update tomorrow, but I didn't want to forget to post this - it's my big news of the week.

And the big ultrasound is...

...unfortunately, not scheduled. My doctor's schedule is not out for May yet, but the receptionist said she's hoping it will be out by the end of the week. Today the baby tried to yet again hide from her when she tried to find his/her heart beat. The baby snuggled way down as far as s/he could - behind my pubic bone - silly little thing! The doctor must've been able to hear some noises recognizable to her, though, because she kept following the baby around saying that it sounded like the baby here and there and it was wiggling around a lot.

I'm going for my lab work tomorrow. She said that it can take up to a month to receive normal results, so she'll probably go over them at my next appointment. If the tests show an abnormality, they will call sooner. At that point, they would send me for an early ultrasound to make sure everything's ok. She said she actually got a false positive for Down's Syndrom when she got tested with her first, but the baby was ok. She encouraged me not to freak out if something like that does happen, which I will really try not to do since I've read that can be common. That's about all the news for today! I appreciate your prayers for healthy test results.

...And MY Heart Beats In Love

We heard the baby's heartbeat at the doctor on Wednesday. That little galloping noise was one of the best things I have ever heard in my life! Ryan & I were grinning from ear to ear. It was funny: she found the heartbeat almost immediately, then we heard him/her kick (it sounded like these little "bloops") then s/he hid, so the doctor had to find it again. It was a strong heart beat of 160bpm, which she said is perfect. It made the pregnancy seem more "real" to me, and I am amazed at how intricately God works. To carry one of His children is truly a blessing. I am 11 weeks 3 days preganant today. Depending on what site or reference you use, I either enter my second trimester on April 1st or April 4th. I am going with April 4th. I am very excited to tell the BSF ladies at our next fellowship on that day. And the following week, I'm going to tell people at work. I am continuing to pray for perfect growth and development and protection from miscarriage. I have said it a hundred times: this baby is God's baby, and his/her life is in God's hands. Even though I am still anxious, I trust Him fully. Ryan is out of town right now, so I admit that I am a little more on edge than usual.

I can now feel my uterus above my pelvic bone. I thought my morning sickness was gone, but it came back pretty strong today to the point I thought I was going to throw up in the car driving home. Wouldn't that have been pretty? :) I have also noticed the last few days that heartburn is starting. I keep praying and hoping that my pregnancy is unlike my mom's in the fact that she threw up every day for six months, and her morning sickness didn't start until the end of the firs tri! Yikes!

Well...it's 10:33, and it's an hour past my bedtime. Off to sleep I go.

412 to 1,202

I woke up early this morning to spend time with the Lord and to eat my breakfast. As He has in other difficult situations or those of unsurety, during my prayer, I heard Him asking me, "Do you trust Me?"
"Yes, Lord, I trust You," I replied.
"I Am here. I love you." was His reply.
The Lord doesn't always give us forewarning good or bad of what is to happen in our finite lives, but I am thankful I have Him here by my side. I sat anxiously through a meeting this morning and back in my office afterward, I saw the doctor's office called twice. I was thinking that that could be good news or bad news. I called the nurse back, and she told me that my HCG levels are "right where they would expect them to be" and that they were 412 on 2/2 to 1,202 on 2/4. I just hit six weeks this morning, and my research on WebMD shows that my HCG levels should be between 100-10,000 from weeks 5-6. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. What an amazing God we serve! He cares about the details of our lives, details that seem so small, but when we pray specifically I've learned to sit back & watch God work. The fact of the matter is that if they had told me my levels were too high or too low that would've been an answer to prayer, too, and I could have rested in the fact that I prayed about it, and He cares. I am entrusting this baby to my God, because He cares for him/her more than I could ever dream of caring for them. I am entrusting this baby to my God, because He cares for me, He cares for Ryan, and I am blessed enough to have seen Him work all things together for His good time and time and time again. I entrust myself and this pregancy (& this baby) to Him, because He IS and WAS and ALWAYS WILL BE.