Fear

God is so good. Two weeks ago, I did not get my Bible study complete. I am catching up on that week this week. God placed the lessons I missed on today's calendar for a reason. I really struggle with fear. Like, a LOT. I suffer from anxiety, first of all, but I tend to let my anxious thoughts control my mind too much. Today I learned that fear isn't an idol, but the things we fear often are our idol. When asked the question "how does fear play into one of your main functional gods," the Lord gave me with sudden clarity the main things I fear: being abandoned, being disliked, loss of a loved one. This plays into my functional god, which is others opinions of me and my own self feeling secure. I like to be comfortable; I don't like to hurt. I also realized how afraid I am to let go of my fear (crazy, I know), because letting go means admitting how little control I really have over the things that fear me. I have had this revelation before, but for some reason today it really stood out to me. Last night was a rough mom night. I can often feel the rough moments of my grief building up. What do I do? I distract myself. Or I try to run away (literally - sometimes I'll workout to take my mind off it). The feeling of a complete and utter meltdown is SCARY to me. I don't like it. I don't like feeling that much pain. Why I try to escape, I don't know...I know the pain is going to hit whether I let it then or later. Notice the pattern, though: I avoid it or I refocus my attention on something else (those things that I sometimes let become little gods - entertainment, fitness). Reading a book or going for a run are good things, however, when I let them take the place of God, they're not. As I finally collapsed in His arms last night, I realized how much more comforting His Word is and the knowledge of His character are than any of the other stuff. He brings peace. The other stuff may distract me or take me away from a moment of grief, but they still leave me with a feeling of edginess, because I know it's going to catch up to me. So, I finally told Him. I told Him all the things that scare me, the things I don't want to think about. July is approaching, and last July was really rough. I don't like thinking about how I knew she was going to die soon, how she (seemingly) rapidly went from being ok to being bed-ridden, how the terminal aggitation was heartbreaking. I don't like to think about the family celebrations we had last July (the 4th and Zooey's early birthday party), because right now all I can think about is the little things like my mom not eating very much or being so weak she couldn't help us in the kitchen. The good memories are hard to remember. I don't like to think about the end, especially when those thoughts overcome the good memories. God held me and let me know that I need to process all of that, and He's there. I clicked the Bible app on my phone, and the verse that lit up the dark was Psalm 27:14 - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." He's going to get me through this. God is so sweet. I woke up this morning still feeling sad, and He gave me a bunch of verses on fear to look at. The ones that stood out to me the most were: Psalm 112:7 - "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Psalm 56:3-4a - "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid." The grief will fade in time. I have no reason to fear. My God is great, He is with me. He will walk me through the valley to the other side. Although my mom is gone from this world, my God tells the truth, and I know she's with Him. The truth He whispered to me last night is true: the same arms that hold her there hold me here. That's so comforting to know.

Hannah

This morning I read the story of Hannah, a story I haven't read in a long time. It's found in 1 Samuel 1-2. Background: Hannah's hubby, Elkanah also has another wife, Peninnah. Peninnah had kids, but Hannah had none, even though she wanted them desperately. It is noted that Elksnah "loved" Hannah (not noted about Peninnah) and he brought Hannah double portions of meat. Peninnah would provoke Hannah to the point of tears and loss of appetite. I can only imagine what she said to Hannah; my guess is is had something to do with how she had children and Hannah didn't. Hannah cried out to God in her anguish and told Him that if she ever had a child, she would dedicate him to the Lord. The priest thought she was drunk because he could see on her face how heartfelt her prayer was. So, Hannah and Elkanah go on their way, and v20 says, "in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'" Hannah didn't go up to Shiloh to make the annual offering with Elkanah, but said she would go later once the child was weaned. My footnote says it was common in that part of the world to nurse a child to the age of three or longer because their was no to keep the milk sweet. Hannah weans Samuel, takes him to the priest (Eli, the one who saw her praying) and dedicates Samuel to the service of the Lord. "So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshiped the Lord there." (v28) Hannah then prays a beautiful prayer in ch. 2 of thanksgiving and praise to God. Here's the part that really stood out to me: Hannah gave this long-awaited child to the Lord. She literally left him with Eli to help him with his priestly duties and to be trained up in the Lord. A 3 (or 4? Or 5?) year old. Wow. It's so hard for me to imagine that. Here's the thing, though: Hannah's joy was not in the child but in the Lord who answered her prayer. She knew Samuel belonged to the Lord, that he was a gift on loan to her from God. She dedicated her son fully to the cause of the Lord without any hesitation because she was overjoyed at what the Lord can do. I have to be honest, I think I'd be holding on pretty tight. But the fact is, Zooey too is God's kid on loan to me. I am responsible for training her up in the way she should go and then letting her go to do God's work. Even now, He is working in her heart. Even before she was born, He had something in mind for her to do with her life that will glorify Him. Although it is hard, I am called to entrust her to Him 100%, because He loves her and dreams bigger for her than I ever could. My prayer is that God will help me to raise her in Him and to let her go when it's time.

Looking for Loopholes

I'm doing a summer Bible study with a group of wonderful girls from the book "No Other gods" by Kelly Minter. The book takes you on a journey looking at modern-day idols and eliminating them from your life. It's been good. Today's study was especially good. If there is one idol I tend to let in my life again and again, it's definitely entertainment. The header for today's study reads, "Behind every false god is a door we've left open." ("The Living Room Series: No Other Gods, Confronting Our Modern-Day Idols", Kelly Minter, p.67). The Scripture was from 2 Timothy 3:1-16. When looking at a list of godlessness, we see: - people who are lovers of themselves - lovers of money - boastful - proud - abusive - disobedient to their parents - ungrateful - unholy - without love - unforgiving - slanderous - without self-control - brutal - not lovers of the good - treacherous - rash - conceited - lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying it's power The book asks how you see these characteristics in the media today? I know all of my favorite shows came to mind, a book I recently read, a song I recently downloaded on iTunes...Sin is everywhere. Paul says "HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM." Here's the tricky thing: as this alluring entertainment worms its way into our homes and gains control (v6), we try to worm our way out of conviction...or at least I know I do. I argue with God, and the dialogue goes something like this: "Just one more week God; I have to know what happens with ___ ." Or, "I'm strong enough in my faith to know that that's wrong." "It's mindless TV; it's not going to hurt anything." As I was typing out this list, I was also convicted of the part that says "lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God." How many times do I forego Bible study and prayer in my day or squeeze in a "quicky" to appease my guilt then spend hours watching TV or reading a book? Minter says on p. 68, "To think that we are unaffected by what we watch, read, or listen to is deceptive thinking...But Paul had a reason for saying, 'Have nothing to do with them.'" Note now the things Scripture is useful for in 2 Tim. 3:16: - teaching - rebuking - correcting and training in righteousness - equipping men of God thoroughly for every good work Entertainment can't quite do that, can it? I'm deceived into thinking I am ok, then my mind is dulled to sin. I start seeing sexual immorality and caring more about who gets together than whether or not it is sinful, I let curse words into my line of thinking and soon enough they slip into my own mindful reactions (or worse yet I say them out loud) when I'm frustrated. I worry over my marriage, why it can't be "that" way or why my husband is not as chivalrous as the man on the TV show or the main character in my book. I feel guilty over not being the supermom portrayed in the sitcom. In my own life, I am definitely seeing how Satan sneaks in there, under the guise of entertainment and "feel-good" to put lies in my heart. The solution, as Paul says in v.14-15 is to "continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through Christ Jesus." Entertainment can't make you wise in the things of God. There have been times, as I mentioned before, that God has called me to cut out a TV show or stop reading a book, and I argue. I look for loopholes, as Minter calls them, because I am sad that I will have to stop watching a show I love or won't find out what happens. Simply put, I wish I wasn't convicted (or maybe that the conviction is so knawing?), because I don't want to stop. But, I love what she says on p. 70, "...true conviction doesn't look for loopholes, and it isn't sad...As we rid it from our lives we will be hopeful with anticipation, anxious to see what God will do with this newly-created space. We will not look for loopholes. We will be resolved. We will know that we are in a position to gain, not to be stolen from any longer." I am asking God what He wants me to cut out and for the ability to obey immediately with a sense of thanksgiving and joy.

The More than Enough

How many times have you thought, "I'm a good person, I follow God, so why is my life turning out this way?" Or maybe you've thought it about others? I know I for sure thought it when my mom got diagnosed with cancer and died so quickly. I definitely thought it as I watched the painful end. I read the story of King Hezekiah of Judah before, but today it especially touched me. You can read it here: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Chronicles%2031:20-32:23&version=NIV. Anyway, note that Hezekiah was good and right and faithful before the Lord his God. He also undertook everything (service in God's temple and obedience to the law & commands) with a heart seeking God and working wholeheartedly. Sound like a guy who "deserved" to get his kingdom attacked? Not so much... So, Sennacherib comes into the picture, cocky and confident that he will be able to capture Judah, just like he has captured many other cities under the reign of other gods. Except, he doesn't realize that the Lord God of Jerusalem is not just any other little-g-god. His plan fails, His army is annihilated, he retreats to his own town and his own god's temple, where his kids kill him. How many times have I depended on something of this world to save me? How many times have I been deceived that I can do it on my own, or modern medicine can prove to be a fix (not that there's anything wrong with modern medicine), or I just need to "X" or have "X" and I'll be safe, I'll be complete? Hezekiah kept his focus. His people kept their focus. And they were blessed. Far too often lately, I've been trying to do life on my own, merely squeezing in a little prayer at the end of the bed and then falling asleep on God. Far too often lately I've been looking to my own devices to make me feel ok: my exercise regimine, my husband, my kiddo's smile, an entertaining book to let my mind escape. All that is good and fine and has it's own place, but I've been making myself, my pleasure, my hopes & ideals a god. I am so selfish. I am so thankful God is good enough to remind me of my need for Jesus as a Savior. I've been deceived that I deserve my rest and relaxation more than I need my time with the Lord. Thank You, God for the humbling reminder that time with You is better and that keeping my focus on You in the midst of trials brings blessing. You are SO good!

31

Today was my birthday. If you've known me for a long time, you know that to me my birthday is usually a VERY! BIG! DEAL! I love it! It's really the only day that's all about you, right? I woke up this morning and was happy, thankful for my sweet friends and family who had already sent me birthday wishes, looking forward to going to lunch with a friend and dinner with my family. It felt like something was missing, and then it hit me...I hadn't received a call or text from my mom. My mom always made an effort to tell us "happy birthday" first thing in the morning on our birthdays, and adulthood was no different. If we hadn't anwered our phones, there was a message. So, I sat down at the kitchen table and thought about how much I miss her for a bit. This thought kind of stayed with me all day. My mom knew me from the very beginning, she knew she was pregnant before she even went to the doctor for a test. Just like I get so excited and am so thankful for Zooey on her birthday, my mom probably reflected on her children's lives and all that the future held, too. I missed her today. She was such a good job, and her example reminds me that it's not always even the big things we do as mothers that make the biggest impact. I don't remember most of the gifts, the parties, the cakes, the "extravaganza," but I do remember she made it a tradition to tell us happy birthday and she loved us on the morning of our birthdays. I hope to build some small and meaningful traditions with my children that I can even carry on into their adult lives. Something that lets them know they are loved and appreciated and how much they've blessed me. My mom did that; I appreciate her so much. I am thankful that the Lord helped shift my focus to thanksgiving for the blessing of having her for a mom instead of being depressed all day.

As mentioned earlier, I went to California Pizza Kitchen thanks to my wonderful friend Melissa and enjoyed a delicious, non-Paleo lunch, which included an amazing strawberry shortcake dessert. I also bought some dresses from Loft (courtesy of Ryan). I totally relaxed during Zooey's nap and read a book, then went out to dinner with Ryan, Zooey & my dad. It was a nice day. I had a lot of fun, and I realized once again how blessed I am by the family I have and the friends who I call family. I receieved so many wonderful birthday blessings that truly brightened my day!

A kick in the gut ~ 10 months

My mom's been gone ten months now. I still get kicked in the heart and gut by the grief. Like today, when I was preparing paperwork for my grandma's care and saw her writing on some old forms. There are fleeting moments where it still doesn't seem real. I miss her every day. Some days, like today, I miss her more than others. Last summer at this time she bought some toys for our backyard, so Zooey could have a "nice backyard to play in like (me) and Sarah did." When we went out to play this week, I couldn't help but think of her. I wonder what she's doing? I know heaven is a place with no suffering and pleasure, where she can talk to Jesus face to face. I wonder what it's like and how she spends her "time," since time really has no meaning there. I picture her on a beach with a dog in her lap. Or maybe she's playing with the toddlers and babies who are with Jesus, too. Maybe she even gets to meet some of my friend's babies who have gone before and let them know how much we prayed for them and how much their parents love them. Who knows...of course it's all a guess until we get there ourselves. I know those things brought her immense pleasure here. She was such a loving, courageous, amazing woman.

I've been thinking about how I always thought my mom had no pain tolerance and how she was scared of the pain of the cancer. I thought for certain that she'd complain or be wiped out a lot sooner than she was. She was, in the words of one of the nurses she had, stoic. At our July 4 celebration last year, we could see she was in pain and weak, but she continued to press on, only giving in when it got absolutely too unbearable. I think she was in a lot more pain than she ever let on. I'm so thankful she's not in pain now.

32 Months

Zooey now:
~ Jumps! Just as she has done with every other gross motor milestone, she just started jumping last Sunday on her own. She didn't even really practice; she just did it.
~ Bargains. :) This can be cute and frustrating (more for her than for me). She will say "minute!" and hold up her little finger when she wants one more minute to keep playing.
~ Asks for what she wants on her own, which is a big step in her speech therapy. She will tell me what she wants to eat, for example, without me giving her options.
~ Is talking a lot more! Her therapists are very proud of her, and we are now working on pronounciation and emphasizing syllables and two-word combos. I also have a praise about this; her new SLP told me that she is on the right, normal track for language development, it's just delayed. She also said that she's met many children like Zooey (very bright, high receptive language, all needs met) who just choose not to speak until they are three. The fact that she has waited to accomplish so many other milestones then masters them kind of makes me think that could be her style.

Heading home from a baseball game

Pouring and scooping rice

Playing with her new floaties. She was "swimming" on the carpet.

Zooey LOVES:
~ Water! She could play with it ALL day. We've been swimming at our gym's pool three times, and last night we went with her brand new floaties. She thought she was such a big girl just being able to hold my hand and kick her feet all by herself. She also braved jumping in from the side and I caught her. She also loves her baby pool in the back yard and playing at the sink.

~ Coloring, especially with her dot markers. I've started printing bingo dauber alphabet sheets for her to do and am trying to think of a way to creatively make an alphabet banner for her out of them for when we start school. I think I'm going to have to shrink them somehow, then laminate them.

I realize I've been pretty quiet on the blogging front, but that's because life's been pretty busy on the home front! Zooey just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and so many times each day I realize she's really a big girl now. We play, run errands, go do exciting things, and all day I love to see her excitement over life in general. Just today, we went to Sarah's to take her lunch, and Zooey was flat-out-overjoyed looking through the door at the dogs. We got home, and she giggled and pet Tiny as he jumped all over her and licked her face. Ah, to find joy in such little moments...luckily, I do get to experience joy just watching her. More about Zooey to come in her 32! month update.

I'm training for my first triathlon in two years and getting pumped for that. It's on June 17th and it's one I've done before. I'm excited and nervous, but I feel somewhat confident having done the course before. My swim is a little weak, but so far my bike and run are on target. My goal will be to run the entire run segment this race, which I have only done in one other tri. I've been really run-focused this time out, so I'm hoping that helps. I have also been reading about nutrition and hydration and realizing that I probably need to drink more fluids during the bike so I don't hit the wall on the run when temps get up to low 90's.

On another note of health, Ryan and I are going to do the Paleo Diet, me the one for athletes and him the regular one. I started yesterday and so far am only having mad sugar cravings in the evening when I normally load up on some candy. Which is exactly why I wanted to do this diet - to be more healthy and also to eat more protein, which I know I'm lacking on in my diet and need for training.

We are enjoying the summer so far and have been able to get out and swim and watch Zooey in the baby pool. Ryan is working hard on getting his garden going. He's going to plant his delicious tomatoes tomorrow and even try for a pumpkin this year. I love fresh produce! He's so good, and he tends to it so well; we had amazing veggies last year.

So, basically, our lives are going about pretty normally at the moment, and I am relishing the blessing of the family God has given me. I hope you are well!