I miss my mom today. I was driving home after lunch and glanced at the clock. "1:38," I thought, "I'll call Mom; she's probably at lunch." I shook my head and realized all in one moment that she's not here. Oh, how I long that she could've seen Zooey on Christmas. I wish I could've talked with her about the ways Zooey's grown in the last year, how she really gets how to open a gift now, how cute she was on her slide that Santa brought her. I wish I could upload the video of Christmas morning and show her and see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. I wish I could take her to the places I take Zooey to play and explore. I just miss sharing life with her. I wish I could hear her tell me funny stories, or sing her silly songs to her dogs, or hear her tell me what she learned on Charles Stanley. It's the little things, you know?

I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!

I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.

Christmas

Although a post is sure to follow with pictures and updates of Zooey and family and everything else, the number one reason we celebrate Christmas is CHRIST. Our pastor shared a bit of this in church this morning, and I found it on the internet and just had to share. I feel that this explains the meaning of Chistmas so well. May Christ bless you as you approach this new year, and may you know THIS God and grow closer to Him. Love, Amber, Ryan & Zooey

The Message of Christmas


“This God could put on eyebrows and kneecaps, tear ducts and saliva glands.

This God could be born under the tyrants Augustus and Herod.

This God could accept the smells of shepherds, and the extravagancies of political emissaries.

This God could start life a vulnerable hunted child born into scandal.

This God could grow up under foreign domination and among terrorists and outcasts.

This God could sit in the street playing marbles.

This God could wear with pride the calloused splintered hands of an honest workman building the houses and fixing the furniture of half-castes, outcasts and bigots.

This God could ask his cousin to baptise him along with the rest of the crowd.

This God could make the best vintage Pinot Noir or Cabernet Sauvignon even when the guests were too drunk to know the difference.

This God could befriend a bloke in a tree with small man syndrome.

This God could enjoy a sinful woman washing his feet, giving her his full and undivided attention, and ignoring the eye-rolling of lawyers and theologians.

This God could spend a whole night making a whip to crack over the backs of con artists who rip-off the poor.

This God could wrap the greatest truths in the simplest stories, and put a sting in the tail of every yarn.

This God could let himself hang on a tree, nails tearing at his sinews, every muscle screaming, the weight of the world upon his shoulders, life slowly draining away.

This God could invite women to be the first to know that he was back.

This God could delay his own glorious homecoming long enough for a bite of breakfast on the beach and a yarn with an old mate to let him know there were no hard feelings and to pass on his mantle.

This God could take his own story and give it the most surprising ending.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God could reach into the crevices of my soul to bring to life the longings I smother so pathetically and recklessly with shame and excuses.

This God could raise me up to life with him.

This God could give me every blessing he could give himself.

This God could draw me out of my petty self-interest and sad little excuses without even a hint of a ‘tut-tut’, a frown, or a patronising smile.

This God could be more infuriating and fascinating and gobsmacking than any god I could ever make up.

This God could love my obsessiveness and overlook my forgetfulness.

This God could laugh and cry with me, and come play with me.

This God could make me his glory.

This God could love me.

This God could make my heart good.

This God could trust me.

This God could never be safe, but always be good.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God I want to know.

This God I know in the face and Spirit of Jesus.”

I found this on the blog, "Knowing Narnia," at http://iosa.tumblr.com/. This post was titled "The Message of Christmas" and was dated 12/15/11.

26-27 Months

Wow, how time flies. I completely forgot to do Zooey's 26 month update at the beginning of December! It's been a busy month for us, getting ready for Christmas and doing triple the shopping (Sarah & I went shopping on behalf of my dad and grandma) and triple the wrapping. It honestly feels like such a blur. So, here are some things to catch you up on Miss Zooey.

Zooey really enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate almost a whole plate of food! Her favorite was the cranberries. She LOVES the Christmas tree and outside lights we put up. She had so much fun hanging ornaments and kept laughing, smiling and yelling, "tree!" She's also been very good, leaving the tree and the presents alone.

Zooey is obsessed with her baby dolls! She carries one around almost all the time, and she loves to feed them, give them kisses, snuggle and sleep with them, push them in the stroller and do lots of other things with them (like throw them on the floor and laugh). She walks around happily babbling and saying "baby" over and over again, and we can almost never leave the house without one of her precious babies. We've started to name them, because she has about six, and she always wants a different one.

We had snow a few times that actually stuck a little to the ground, so she was pretty excited about that. She liked to touch it with her finger and try to put it on my finger. She doesn't like to walk on it too much, though, but maybe that's because when we had that icky slush I told her it was slippery.

Zooey's getting more into imagination play (as mentioned above with her babies), and she also has her babies pet her toy animals or give them kisses. She has been enjoying building with her blocks, she still loves crafts (although she seems to be on a coloring hiatus right now, preferring stickers, paint and glue) and she's also getting into puzzles. In fact, second to her babies, she probably spends most of her free play doing her puzzles and pegboard. We've continued daily story time, and her favorites continue to be her Bible stories. She loves to play with her Christmas nativity toy as I tell the story. She's also begun to enjoy longer books more and seems to be able to pay attention a little longer. She loves to point out things in the stories as I read and ask her where/what things are.

I've mentioned before that Zooey isn't really into TV, but that's changed in the last month or so. We don't let her watch too much, but she does get about 20-45 minutes of TV time per day, and her favorites, in order, are Yo Gabba Gabba & Play With Me Sesame. We've started a new routine in the morning where we go snuggle with Daddy when he wakes up and we watch PWMS. Zooey loves being the one to wake Ryan up, and Ryan & I enjoy having a little quiet time as a family. Today, she must have been very tired, because she slept in until 9:00, which allowed me to doze a little longer, too. When she got up, we had extra TV snuggle time and just kind of chilled out. It was relaxing and nice to have those cuddles!

The biggest thing that's happened in the last month, which has taken up a lot of our focus and is probably why it seems time went so fast, is potty training. The first weekend in December, Zooey asked to go potty at church and went! So, we started potty training that afternoon. That first week was ROUGH to say the least, but now she is doing very well and is in panties except for naps & nights. She's actually been dry & clean for naps for almost a week, so I'll probably change her to panties for naps this week, too. She's so funny; she was so proud of herself and loves her Elmo potty seat so much that she has tried to kiss it multiple times! Stay tuned for an update on our next big change: the big girl bed, which we are transitioning to next week.

Zooey is such a sweet, loving girl, always snuggling up or giving kisses and cuddles in the midst of her playtime. She's happy and confident and not easily scared or hurt - she's a toughie. She bounces back quickly from disappointment, except maybe when she's tired or hungry. Another cute story: at church on Sunday, her little buddy Sybella was having a minor breakdown, and when Sybella's mom went to get her, she said Zooey was sitting there patting Sybella with a very concerned look on her face. This is my empathetic, caring little girl! That made my heart so proud.  She's a joy to mother and to be around; she's my little buddy. :)

Zooey with her little friend, Sybella

"Ya, I'm cute."

Big girl knows how to climb up in her own seat now



Saying "hi" to Aunt RaRa at work. She loves RaRa, if you can't tell from the big smile.

"Tree!!!"

Having some fun at a local indoor playroom

Exploring at the children's touch museum

(I detest Barney) but Zooey loves him





Zooey self-soothing by twirling her hair to fall asleep - just like me, Grandma & RaRa!

And last but not least, here's a slideshow of the 2-year prints I'm putting up in the house. My friend Carmelita took them, and they are so pretty!



Growing Up...A Mother's Heart

Zooey's been potty-training the last two and a half weeks. She's doing very well and is now in panties except for nights and naps, soon only nights. Another big change is coming, too - we're going to convert her crib to a "big girl bed." While we thought we'd wait, it occurred to us that we have a trip coming up in February, & she's simply too big for the pack n' play now. We'd like her to adjust to a bed before our trip.

Oh my, how my baby girl is growing up. My mother's heart swells with pride and reluctance at this. Do I miss the 2am feedings? No, but as my girl grows more independent with every passing day, I sure miss the bliss of her snuggling up on my chest and falling asleep. Do I miss hauling a baby carrier around everywhere? Not really, but I'm sure I'll always wish I could strap her in or cover her up against people I don't think she should be around or the elements of life. I beam in joy at all her accomplishments, at her pride over all the things she's learning to do on her own, but I wince at the pain that sometimes comes with the learning curve and wish I could somehow shelter her from that part. Of all the frustrations we moms face in toddlerhood, how often do we stop and reflect on what a sweet, short time it is?

I can't help but wish I could ask my own mom what it felt like for her to move through these milestones at what feels like light speed...did she stop with the same bittersweet pauses? Were her tears mingled with the same pride and nostalgia? Knowing her, I'm sure they were. I wonder if Zooey will grow up as I have and sometimes reminisce and wish she could go back to being little like I do, to snuggle on with my mom with no greater care than what book to choose for story time.

Growing is hard to watch and hard to do, but necessary. It involves letting go, something is humans are generally not too find of. Hopefully I can do it in a God-honoring way and cherish every second as I watch.

25 months

Cute stuff:
-She takes her socks off for naps and bed, because she doesn't like to sleep with socks on.
-When she gets excited, she runs in place; this is also how she dances.
-She thinks it's super funny to have her underarms tickled.
-She loves the leaves that are falling and picks them up everywhere! This is often a challenge in parking lots, but most of the time it's cute to see her squeal with joy at every new leaf she comes across.
-When we ask her what a dog or cat says, she sticks out her tongue and tries to "lick" like a dog or cat would when they're drinking water. She also tries to pant for a dog.
-She's getting more social and curious about the other kids we hang out with. She likes to give them hugs and often watches them playing or tries to play "with" them.

New Stuff/Big girl!
-Zooey can now climb on one of the couches without a stool.
-She has two of her 2-year molars (the bottom ones), and I didn't even know she had them until I got a peek inside her mouth two weeks ago!
-She's enjoying more "imagination play," like caring for her dollies and stuffed animals.
-She's enjoying TV a little more and enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba and is starting to get into Sesame Street.
-It seems like she's trying to form more words; her babbling is more complex, and it sounds like she's saying sentences, although we don't know what they mean. :)
-I've taken Zooey to the aquarium and zoo a couple of times in the last month, and she's really interested in the animals now. Before she would kind of look more at the exhibits or the bushes, but now she tries to find the animals I'm pointing to and she smiles when she sees them. On the same note, she's starting to sit still at the library (yay!) for most of the time we're there. She is also beginning to try to do the movements to songs we learn there or on her kid's CD's.

I've decided to add a short bit about new stuff we've added or changes in regards to our routine (notes for next time...):
-Because we've been trying to read to her more to increase her language, but she won't sit still, I've added "story time" 20 minutes before her bath. Most nights she sits still for this, and as a plus, it seems to help her wind down a little more, too.
-Zooey never really slowed down too much on her food in her 2nd year, but it seems like she's starting to slow down. The last two weeks she hasn't eaten as much as has been "normal" for her in the past.

Zooey is a such a source of joy! Even if I was working right now outside the home, I think I'd find it very hard to get motivated some days to get up, get out of bed and get moving. I think I'd want to lay in bed and wallow in my grief. As it is now, I am usually filled with joy and the blessing of caring for her every day. This is another way I marvel at God, His gifts and His perfect timing. Because I have Zooey, this little person fully depending on me to get her diaper changed, get her fed, love on her, etc. I have such a purpose in my daily life that cannot be ignored, yet it is more than obligation - she gives me so much joy, even on the tough days with temper tantrums and non-stop boundary-pushing. If you know Zooey, you know she is a very sweet, loving little girl. She is certainly independent, but she loves to come up and rest her head on you for a quick snuggle or give us a little kiss. She is generally obedient most of the time (I hear the three's are killer!), and she is my little "buddy;" I love hanging out with her and just watching her grow into her own little self. I'm just so thankful for her!

watching TV & eating breakfast

Steelers vs. Cowboys :) 

I wish I could hear my mom's voice. I read a note from her today, and I could almost hear her saying the words. I'm scared I will forget her voice. I wish I could give her a big hug and breathe in her smell...that smell of fresh laundry, a hint of perfume, clinique makeup and "clean." I'm scared I will forget this, too. I remember her tucking me into bed when I was little, leaning over and giving me a kiss. I remember her smell and her saying "I love you." I remember her coming in my room in the morning to wake me up as I got older and singing "Good morning, good morning, good morning; it's time to rise & shine," and whipping the blinds open, letting the sun hit me in the face, then yanking my covers off me. (I'm not a morning person.) At the time that really made me mad, now it makes me smile. I remember her leading me to the Lord on my bedroom floor, holding my hands. I remember her stroking my hand with her thumb while she held it tightly in the car, while I watched raindrops slide down the windshield on the way to the mall one time. I remember her conspiring in the kitchen with me & Sarah, making my dad a cup of hot water and telling him it was coffee, because he told her that she made coffee too weak and it tasted like hot water. I remember when she was pregnant with Sarah, how I got to feel kicks as my mom lay on the couch, she held my hand against her belly. I remember going to see Sarah in the hospital and my mom looked so tired....but she still gave me a tight hug. I remember she used to let me & Sarah have "slumber parties" with her on some nights when my dad was out of town at the auction; I loved snuggling up with them in her bed. I remember laying my head on her lap on the couch at night while we watched TV, and she'd play with my hair. She used to do my hair for drill team and ROTC. She did my hair and makeup for almost every school dance, she helped me pick out a dress and she took lots of pictures. I used to call her every week after church or about my BSF lesson and talk to her about it. I miss her input; she was so wise. I loved my mom's laugh. It was contagious, full of joy, she really enjoyed humor. I remember even in the end, when I lay with her in bed, she still smelled like her. She whispered, "I love you." I know this post was a bunch of rambling, but I have to hold onto these memories. I have to be able to go back & reread them when I can't think of anything but the illness making her weaker. Otherwise, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel afraid that I won't remember anything good.

What's so hard, what's sometimes hardest of all, and if you're close to your mom, you'll get this - I wish I could call her and talk to her about my feelings. I wish I could tell her how crushed I am that, how the grief overwhelms me sometimes and leaves me feeling so sad and alone in the pain. She was my mom. She always knew just what to say or do...sometimes it was just an "I know," or "I love you." Sometimes she'd send me a card or call me the next morning to make sure I was ok after I faced heartbreak. When I went through my divorce, when I was crushed and betrayed, she drove up to CO to see me the very next day after it happened. She held me; that was enough. A mom is a mom, you know? No one and nothing can quite comfort you the same way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to everyone, but that loss of having her to talk to hurts so much. It wasn't just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Like when Zooey does her little bouncy dance, or I want to send her a picture text of sleeping Zooey (those were some of her favorites), or when Zooey loved the smarties on Halloween, just like her grandma did...I can tell someone else, but it's just not the same.

I know my posts have been a little "down" lately, but please understand that writing is what helps me through when I feel this way. It helps to get this out...and just like I started this blog to work through all my pregnancy neurosis, I continue to write to work through my emotions. Thank you for running this race alongside me. Facebook is removing the capacity to automatically upload and sync my blog to FB, so if you've been following on FB and would like to continue following the blog, here is the link: http://souledoutgirl.blogspot.com/.

Wrestling with Grief

I feel like the process of grief is something like a mental & emotional wrestling match. One where my brain sees or hears something (a grandma with her grandchildren, a friend mentioning Thanksgiving plans with their mom, me & Sarah needing to do the Christmas shopping for my dad) and then does it's job and tries to process all the thoughts and emotions that go with it. Then I manage to wrestle all that yuckiness back down until it comes pouring out about once a week in a period of depression & tears.

C.S. Lewis wrote of grief in his book A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . . An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . . And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . ."

I relate. I've always been a bit ADD-ish or something, but lately I've been frustrated with my lack of focus and concentration. I've been especially frustrated when I sit down to read my Bible and I re-read the same lines over and over and over...and still have yet to take anything in. I was praying this week about why it's been so hard for me to focus lately. I realized then that it's because of this internal wrestling match, that in the quiet times I probably do need to do a little processing, yet I keep trying to ignore it. Why? Oh, I don't know...probably because like any other human being on the planet, I hate pain. I relate also to what he says about being around others. I want people to "say something about it," and yet, I don't. I want to cry, to have someone hug me and tell me it will all be ok, but I choke all this back inside, because I don't know how to talk about it and just cry around others. I want to share my grief with others, but it is also intensely private.

I know that to move on, though, I must cry. I must face it and stop wrestling with it. So, when I finally do submit to the emotions and the thoughts, I give it to Jesus. I crawl onto His lap and cry. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18.

I kid you not, I seem to face my grief from Friday to Sunday every week. I used to think my "grief attacks" only happened on the weekends as something to oppose the work God has for me to do. I'm beginning to realize, however, that God is allowing me to be in His presence, just where He wants me to be, at my most vulnerable moments. The things He's taught me & the ways He's encouraged me over the last few weekends are a true testament to how personal & intimate He is. Two weeks ago, I was all teary eyed over something silly, like remembering how my mom enjoyed her coffee or something, and I kept asking God, "Do you see? Are you here?" I go to church to hear our pastor say, "God suffers with us. Jesus relates 100%. He loves us. No one understands like He does. God knows grief is great; He can be trusted. In the midst of waiting, we can trust God because of Christ's sacrifice." Last week, we were up in NC visiting some friends. The week before, I was struggling with heaven. I don't know why, but sometimes it's just hard for me to have faith in heaven's reality. Grief attack Sunday morning while getting ready. I sit down at church with Ryan & our friends, and the pastor begins his sermon entitled "What's Next?" a sermon about heaven from Rev.21: what will be there (JESUS, pleasure, answered questions, perfected relationships, indescribable beauty) and what will not be there (praise God! NO death, NO sorrow, NO crying, NO tears, NO pain - physical or emotional). God is so good to meet us right where we are. Jesus is real. He is God. He is present, alive and He cares about you.

A Fun F Project

I haven't posted on my love of the "-Wise" series in awhile, but I do continue to love these books. I've read Babywise, Pre-Toddlerwise, and Toddlerwise and continue to find numerous things I can implement into raising Zooey. One thing I've really started doing in the last two months is learning time. You can read about learning time in Todderwise. Zooey really likes crafts, so I work this into our day when she wakes up from nap. Using Val's ideas for learning time over at http://www.babywisemom.com/, I do a letter, number, color and shape of the week. This week I've been teaching Zooey the letter F, the number 5, the color orange and star shapes. This activity kind of incorporates all the things except the shape. Zooey had a lot of fun using the glue stick, which is great for her fine motor skills and teaching her cause and effect, and this is a cute craft! While we worked we talked about the orange paper, counted the flowers, talked about the different shapes and paid attention to the letter F.

What you'll need:
green card stock
scissors
card stock for color of flowers
card stock for background
green marker
glue stick
Marker or crayon of different color

If you're using a Cricut:
cut out 5 flowers on the George & Basic Shapes cartridge (I used varying sizes, so I could teach Zooey about contrasting shapes)

cut out 5 circles in different colors (I used 1")

cut 1" letters (FLOWERS) & numbers (12345)

Step one:
Prep supplies. Cut out flowers (or draw and let older children cut out). Cut green paper to fit bottom of background page; cut "grass" strips.

Step two:
Cut grass to bottom of background page.

Step three:
Draw stems for flowers.

Step four:
Glue flowers to stems:

Step five:
Glue circles to flower centers:

Step six:
Glue numbers 1-5 on flowers, or write 1-5 on flowers if you did not use the Cricut. Glue the word Flowers on the "grass" at the bottom of the page. You're finished! Display artwork for all to see. :)

An Eternal Perspective

I've never been falsely imprisoned. I've never been severely flogged with 40 lashes minus one, let alone been flogged five times. I've never been beaten with a rod, stoned, shipwrecked or spent the night tossed about in the sea. I've always had a home, have never been constantly on the move because of the threat of danger of people or land or sea. I've never gone naked or hungry or severely thirsty. I've never had to narrowly escape death through a hole in my city's wall.

2 Corinthians 11:23-12:12 reads:

"23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.


29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?


30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.31 The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying.32 In Damascus the governor under King Aretas had the city of the Damascus guarded in order to arrest me.


33 But I was lowered in a basket from a window in the wall and slipped through his hands.


2 Corinthians 12


1 I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord.2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know–God knows.3 And I know that this man–whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows–4 was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell.5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.

6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.


7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

11 I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the “super‑apostles,” even though I am nothing.12 The things that mark an apostle–signs, wonders and miracles–were done among you with great perseverance."

Wow, right?!

I've been praying for an eternal perspective. God gave me a glimpse of that this morning as I studied this. I've never suffered like Paul has for the Gospel. I cannot even imagine that type of suffering, let alone being able to say I rejoice over it! I find myself instead complaining and questioning the things that I face that are not comfortable. My "thorn," which is my anxiety, is something I have questioned God about enduring many time over the last seven years, pleading Him to take it time and again and being upset over why He can't do just that. I've finally accepted that, but what amazing obedience Paul shows here - he says he pleaded with God three times to take his thorn from him. After Jesus told him that HIS grace is sufficient, Paul doesn't ask about it again, yet chooses instead to boast in his weakness. I continue to ask God for understanding about my mom's death. Even though I have many wonderful memories right up to the hour she died of my mom, I sometimes find myself focusing on the hard memories, like her illness and the moment she died. Like I heard someone say last week about Stephen & James being persecuted to death for the sake of Christ (Acts 7, Acts 12), God may not have delivered Stephen & James the way Peter was delivered in Acts 12 from prison (freed by an angel to continue doing God's work), but they were still delivered. And you know what? These men were delivered in a far better way that Peter or Paul from his sufferings he lists above - Stephen & James were delivered right into the arms of Jesus, just as my mom was. It is important that I keep an eternal perspective. God's got my mom now, and I can trust that I'll see her someday. Jesus will strengthen my faith and my ministry through the emotional and physical sufferings that I am now and inevitably will endure on this planet. In my weakness, however, He is strong. He is mighty. He is unstoppable. I want to be a part of His purpose. I want to look to Him, not everything around me. I want my mantra to be, "God use me, use this circumstance," rather than, "why God, why?." God is so good to answer our prayers in a mighty way; I've seen it time and again in His Word, the lives of others I know and in my own life. Although I may not ever see the answers to some of my prayers for understanding this side of heaven,  I know that (if I still even care when I get there) He will answer abundantly someday. God, will you please use me until then?

Zooey is 2 years old!

Two years ago today (Oct. 7), we brought our precious baby girl home. Looking at her now, it is hard to imagine she was ever this small.

Zooey on her first day home

Zooey is truly no longer a baby. She's a little "big" girl now. Her birthday party was so much fun, and I'll do a separate post on it later, with pictures. For now, and update on miss Z and all the things going on with her. At her two year well-check, she weighed 25 pounds and is now 32 inches tall. She's currently wearing a 24 month in most brands of clothing, but sometimes can fit into a 2T. She wears a size 5 shoe and size 4 diaper. She's losing all those delicious baby rolls she had and is definitely leaning out. Her hair comes down to almost the middle of her back when it's wet, but it's very curly, so when it dries it looks about shoulder length.

Zooey is very busy and very active! She loves to play outside. In particular, she loves the park. I don't know if I mentioned she was afraid of slides for awhile, but she overcame her fear in the last month and now enjoys even the tall, fast slides.

Another thing Zooey loves to do is any kind of crafts. She loves to color, glue, paint and use stickers to make art. Once she's done with a project, she takes it proudly to the kitchen and hangs it up on the fridge. She's been learning her alphabet and can pick out the letters we've learned from her letter magnets.

Zooey is very affectionate. She gives her friends and family lots of hugs and snuggles. When we're in the grocery store, she likes to hold my hand as I push the cart and sometimes leans into me to give me a quick snuggle. She's also affectionate with the animals, and while the cats are not really too fond of the way she shows love, Tiny eats it up. Tiny gets so excited to see Zooey in the morning that he runs down the hall, body shaking, and attacks Zooey with kisses. Sometimes she doesn't really like being jumped on, but she laughs and pets him all the same. One of her little friends is named Bella, and she gets very excited when we talk about her, and she will exclaim, "Beba!" She also loves her friend Payton, whom she calls "PayPay." Adorable! I love this age and how she's starting to form bonds with people and remember them when they're not around. While I know she did this before, it's really special to hear her talk about her little friends.

Zooey has begun to mimic us quite a bit. She will copy both our words and our actions. She likes to clean, for example, when I'm wiping something off or she'll hold her play phone up to her ear when I'm on the phone. She also uses her imagination and playacts quite a bit. She will put the dolls in her little doll house on the potty and say "potty." She pushes her little dolls or animals around in the stroller and likes to cover them up or feed their bottle.

Just like it's sometimes hard to remember how small she was, it's also sometimes hard to remember my life before her. This girl has brought so much joy to our hearts and our lives, and I am so incredibly thankful to know her. It has been my joy to watch her grow from someone so small and helpless into this little person over the last two years with her own personality, likes & dislikes and independence. It's amazing to watch her learn and to see how she processes everything that's new to her everyday. I love her so much, and so does her daddy, whom she continues to be the biggest fan of.

The Party

Zooey had her party last weekend, and it was a lot of fun. She had family & most of her little friends over, and they enjoyed playing in the back yard, coloring at her little table and running around. We did a Blue's Clues theme, because that's the character Zooey seems to enjoy the most right now. We had hamburgers & hot dogs for the adults and chicken nuggets for the kids. My friend Melissa made two gorgeous cakes - she has SERIOUS talent - and my friend Carmelita took all the pictures, which was such a huge help to me & Ryan. There were a ton more pictures, but I chose these ones to show. She got lots of fun stuff (as you can see), and I think she really got the concept that the day was to celebrate her. And she got to open presents and eat cake. :)

Something just doesn't feel right. That's how I feel a lot of the time, just that sense that something is off. Then I'll realize it's because my mom isn't here anymore. I can't explain it other than that...I wonder, sometimes, is there something wrong with me, because I don't cry as much as I thought I would be - as I think I should be? I think it's just that things hurt, and it never seems like a good time to let it all pour out. Sometimes it's a random beautiful, joyful moment that makes me almost pick up the phone, and I don't want to let the sadness overcome the joy, so I let it go for that time. Sometimes it's just that I'm too busy, or I'm driving...or something...and I can't cry right then. Other times, it's because I'm in the middle of a prayer, and oh, I still ask God "Why?" a lot, but I just want to go to sleep. Sounds a lot like denial now that I'm typing it out. I'm told by my counselor that I'll go through grief and think I'm done, then I'll probably have a big bout of depression, then I'll reach final acceptance. Tomorrow at 10:31am, my sweet girl turns 2. Wow, I don't think I even realized until right this moment how much it hurts that my mom isn't here. I mean, there were some moments at her birthday party, and of course I've been thinking about it, but it just hit me how much it hurts. When Zooey was born, my mom left the room to let me and Ryan have some time with her, but before she did, she leaned down and gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "You did so good. I'm so proud of you!" I miss her. I missed talking with her about what I was planning for the party and how when I asked Zooey how old she was going to be, she holds up her hand saying "4," because she can't quite do "2." I'm dreading the holidays this year, because I know Zooey's birthday is just the first of many firsts that I have to go through, and they are all going to hurt. How can it be almost 2 months? How is that possible? It's so weird, because it seems like yesterday and forever at the same time.

Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic, because my baby is almost TWO, but today's one of those days I have taken many mental snapshots and hope to remember until I'm old and gray. I ran to the park with Zooey and watched her climb the steps and go down the slide. I watched as she held hands with a little five-ish year old girl and gave her and several other kiddos a hug with a giant smile. She's such a loving girl. On the way home, I pointed out the leaves turning yellow and the fresh fall air, and she kept pointing at the "ree's" on our walk. She kept looking up at me through the mesh on the stroller, smiling and yawning, and I realized how beautiful she is for about the millionth time. At home, I watched and listened as she ate her lunch with intense concentration, "Mmmmm"-ing with each bite, especially her raspberries, because my girl loves her fruit. As we did a small craft after lunch, I smiled at her uncontrollable joy over using the glue stick and sticking feathers and tissue paper on a paper plate. She bounced up and down and squealed when she got to pick out new feathers. She walked around in her little art smock that no longer goes down past her knees, and I saw how much she's growing up. We snuggled on the couch, and I got to hear her say starfish as we read one of her favorite books, "Have You Ever Tickled a Tiger?," which was a gift from my mom. And, when the timer went off, she gleefully squealed again, looked at the timer and went to her room for some more pre-nap snuggles. My Zooey is such a joy to me; I pray I cherish days like today and get a whole lot more of them. The joy in her little smile over something like a glue stick is so contagious...I'm incredibly thankful she's my daughter. She inspires me to find more joy in the little things. It's been such a wonderful day - what a sweet blessing!

Hope

“Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent” Mignon McLaughlin

I read this on a blog the other day, and I think it's beautiful. I've been missing my mom like crazy the past couple of days. Little things are making me cry..."The Best Day" by Taylor Swift on my iPod, Zooey saying all kinds of new words this week and not being able to tell her, Zooey eating a stick of gum - wrapper and all - and swallowing it and not hearing my dad retell the story to her, her laughter that would follow such a story. I wish she could see all the artwork Zooey's been bringing home from her outings. I missed calling her after BSF last Monday to tell her how the first class night went, how many students I had and what touched me from the lecture...or on Saturdays after leader's to chat; that was one of the times we always talked (if she wasn't at my house already babysitting Zooey). I caught a GI bug that Zooey and Ryan both had in the last two weeks. I also started my role as a MOPS discussion group leader...my stomach started really hurting right when I got to the church (can anyone say opposition?? but that's off topic). I SO wanted to call my mom and be a big baby and whine about how I'm not feeling good. I also wanted to tell her how MOPS went; I know if she was here she'd be excited to hear about it. No matter if she came over or not, my mom was, and still is, the one I want when I don't feel well. No one can quite care for you when you get sick the way your mom does, right? I have a voicemail from her saved on my phone from the last time I got sick - just calling to check on me. I miss her so much my heart aches. I cannot even tell you all the little times throughout my week when tears prick my eyes, because I just have an overwhelming sense of loss. Yes, my friends, the pain truly runs deep.

The quote above, however is so true. These feelings of grief are not permanent. While I'm sure some of them will be with me forever, at Christmas, graduations, weddings...funerals, I know that as I heal, these intense feelings will fade. Knowing this provides me with hope that I can get through. As I started our study of Acts at BSF this year, I know that this hope doesn't come from me, it comes from Jesus. His Holy Spirit is the One enabling me to work through all these tough feelings, to get up and do all that I need to do in my service to Him and, as silly as it sounds, to face my first bug without her here. He will enable me to get through this, and by His grace alone, I pray that He will glorify Himself through this. I hope and I pray that He will use this pain and this situation to His glory. I pray that others may come to know Christ. I pray that He will make me an effective witness for the gospel as Acts 1:8 says I'm commanded to do. You see, my ultimate, never-ending, consistent, beautful HOPE through this grieving process stems from Jesus' death on the Cross, and the gift of eternal life. I hope in the promise of Jesus that I will see my mom again someday. I know I'll still be shocked with these painful feelings in my life here on earth, but when I get to heaven and see Jesus face-to-face, when I get to embrace my mom and bow down with her before the throne of God, then these feelings will be permanently erased.

23 months

It's hard to believe that next month I will be typing the words, "Zooey is 2!" Wow, how time flies. This past month was so much fun, as is every month with Zooey. She is growing so fast, and as you can see from the pictures, she's truly a little girl now; no baby remains. It's a little bittersweet, but this age is awesome! Even though we have to work through our share of tantrums, I love how Zooey explores, learns, plays and interacts at this age. She is such a joy to watch and play with.

We started doing some learning time at home this month. Zooey's been learning a different letter, color, shape and number each week, as well as a new Scripture verse, passage of Scripture and a story from her children's Bible. It is fun to see the confidence she shows when she learns something new, for example, last week she learned the letter "B," and by the end of the week she could find the letter "B" on the fridge. Last week's Bible verse was John 1:3, "God created all things," and by the end of the week, she'd point at the verse and say, "God." She also loves her Bible, and is now pointing to it and naming it by name - so awesome to see God working in her little life! She is a very smart little girl.

I weighed Zooey at home, and she weighs 25 lbs. She's now in some 2T clothes, but mostly 24 month clothes, still, because she's short like her mommy & daddy. Zooey is very curious (& very stubborn) and will take our finger or hand when she wants to check something out, or if we tell her no (she things if we do it, it's ok :) ). She's starting to say more words more frequently, like "eat," "diaper," "potty," "good job," "Grandpa," and "baby." Speaking of potty, we haven't started potty-training, yet, but you'll probably see a post on that pretty soon. Zooey's getting very close to being potty ready. The last thing I'm kind of waiting on is for her to tell me when she's about to go. Zooey also loves, loves, loves babies! She's very curious about them, and she wants to touch them. She loves her baby doll that RaRa got her, and she likes to take it almost everywhere we go. Zooey also loves to color. We had to talk about not coloring on the walls or the fridge this month, but this girl loves coloring! It's an activity where we both win, because Mommy can get a couple things done while Zooey colors, and she would do it all day, probably, if I let her. Zooey has really started to like bouncing toys, like the zebra at the gym and the turtle at home that she climbs on and bounces up and down on. She continues to like books, but she's in a phase where she wants to "read" herself, so we don't get to read together for too long these days. Zooey takes everything in, good and bad, and she has started to become our little mimics. She wants to brush her hair, cook and put on makeup like Mommy. She follows Daddy all over the house and tries to copy what he's doing, like the dishes. She's also starting to try to mimic words, and if I'm frustrated about something, she'll raise her little voice to the same tone and level as mine. It's been kind of a wake up call, because I don't raise my voice very often, but seeing how she wants to be just like the adults around her has caused me to constantly think about what I'm going to say or do before I do it, which I should already be doing as a Christian. :)

Mothering Zooey continues to be my biggest responsibility and greatest joy. As I heard someone say this past week, it's the hardest job I'll ever love. That's so true, and it's so amazing of God to give me such a sweet little blessing.

One Month

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I dreamt we were sitting in my living room having coffee and just talking about life. In my dream I knew she was dead, and as the conversation progressed, she started writing things down, so I'd remember them. Then all of the sudden, I was telling her I was so happy to have had this visit with her and when would she be back. She said she had to go, and she was gone. The dream was so real, so vivid...it felt like I was just having a normal moment with my mom, one of those moments I miss so much lately. It's so hard to put into words the emotions that I've been experiencing. I guess that's because words like "missing" and "sad" or don't come close. There truly are no words to describe one's own personal journey with grief, so we just try to come as close to possible in our explanation in hopes that we can purge a little bit of those emotions out of ourselves. I woke up and went to my "Thirty Days of Grief Prayers" brochure that my counselor gave me and copied down the prayer for today, "Today I feel weak, Lord. I know if I push away my weakness, I push you away as well. If I let myself feel my weakness, You are near with Your strength and Your comfort. Help me to trust." This prayer really summed it up for me. I awoke wishing I could push the memory of my dream and the emotions that came with waking far away and never think about them again. The thoughts and feelings that I was having, although painful, are something that God can use to draw me closer to Him. The painful stuff is stuff that He uses; He never wastes it, but He uses it to make me more beautiful before Him and to bring me closer to glory. I am so thankful that He keeps drawing me close, that He keeps whispering to me to trust Him and to lean on Him instead of my way of doing things. Without Him, I am nothing.

The "New" Normal

The funeral is over, visiting family members have gone home, the flowers have died, the urn has been picked up and sits at my dad's; so now what? Now we must begin what my friend termed the "new normal." The big events take us to a new normal, don't they? Births, weddings, divorces (for some of us), deaths...all these things leave us with a life, good or bad, that's different than it used to be. The thing I think I am finally beginning to realize after facing each of these big events is that there is One consistent: God.

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stand forever." Isaiah 40:8

God never fails to provide physically, spiritually & emotionally for His children. Although He blesses us immensely with relationships, food, shelter, clothing and all our other needs, it is clear that when we accept Christ as our Savior, we are blessed beyond measure with a treasure that never tarnishes or wastes away...even though all the things and people He gives us are amazing, we can be comforted to know that even if they are all taken away, He HIMSELF is what we were made for.

"And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, & your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom & these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions & give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near & no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:29-34

God never changes; His Word never changes. Because of this, all His character traits can be counted upon all the time. He is always Fair, Just, Compassionate, our Defender, Comforter, Redeemer, Long-Suffering, All-Knowing, Shepherd, Good, Love.

As a person who hates change takes awhile to adjust to change, this is a HUGE comfort to me. I am trying to adjust to a "new normal," getting back into my daily routine and doing little things like going to the gym, having a consistent time of day to have my quiet time with the Lord, cooking dinner, etc. All these things actually bring comfort to me, too, because I am a person who finds comfort in routine and stress relief in exercise. But the greatest comfort of all is that I can open up my Bible and bow my head to the King of Kings who's intimate enough to hold me close and to know that if all the other stuff and people change in an instant, He remains.

You Remain, Jennifer Knapp

Though I am poor and needy

My Shelter You'll be

Not by my merit lead me

To where You say

Waste my time on lover's quarrels

Speed my breath and hope to stumble

Out of my distrain and still

You Remain

My Wall my Mighty Tower

Be my Shadow come cover me

Till all my enemies cower

Jealous of my King

Though the day be laced with trouble

Be the stone o'er which i stumble

Straight into the arms and stay

Where You Remain

They said to me i would fall by the wayside

Answer me now

Answer me now

The fatherless we may be weary

Be our Peace and do not tarry

Wait we will for Your Joy

Be my Portion promised me, O Lord

May I be forever

Where You Remain

You remain

Where You...

Where You remain

One Step at a Time

I've noticed through reading about others' journeys of grief that once "the event" has occured (be it death, divorce, betrayal, whatever), people start counting. One week, one month, first Christmas without them, their first birthday they're gone. On Saturday night, I thought a lot about how it was one week since she'd been gone, since I'd sat by her bedside and talked to her. I know that this process usually goes on pretty consistently for the first year, maybe two, then it's the bigger anniversaries that trigger it.

I hate that it's been over a week since I've seen her, talked to her, kissed her. I am beyond grateful that she's no longer in pain and with Jesus, and that does bring joy to my heart, but it's still very difficult. I feel cheated sometimes, which makes me feel angry. There are so many people who get to spend time with their parents and have them be a part of their lives for years, until they themselves are old and gray. I think of my own mom who had her mom beside her through raising children, and I don't get to have that. The fact of the matter is, if you're a woman and you're close to your mom, you just want her there - when you're sick, when you're happy and want someone to share in that happiness, when you're a mom-at-the-end-of-your-rope, when you're sad...there are so many moments that I'll face over the years that I know I'm going to wish she's here. One step at a time, right? This is one of those things I am sure I probably won't get to fully understand this side of heaven.

Today is my dad's birthday. He seemed ok earlier when I saw him, but I wonder how he feels today, deep down? My parents always did a silly card & a serious/sweet card for their birthdays. It breaks my heart he won't get that this year, not from the love of his life, anyway. They were so cute together!

Little things to love

~Zooey grabbing my hand to pull me anywhere

~Zooey taking all the alphabet magnets off the fridge & stacking them on the chairs - and running around the kitchen in circles, laughing hysterically

~Zooey trying to grab RaRa's hand to pull her to the restaurant's kitchen this morning at breakfast and telling the waitress all about how hungry she was

~Sleepy toddler snuggles

~Sleepy cat snuggles

~Strawberry Mentos

~"Carried Away" by B&B Works

~A quiet moment alone just to surf the Net

~Sneaking in to cover Zooey and still smelling her J&J Bedtime Lotion~bliss!

~That she slept until 9:00...so did I!

~A giant hug from the hub when he got home

Contentment

As I was doing my Bible study today, I got to a question about God's faithful servant Job. The book said, "Though Job was a very wealthy man, God allowed Satan to strip him of everything - people and possessions like - to prove Job's devotion to God. Despite utter devastation, Job remained faithful and was fully restored. List the people & earthly possessions you most treasure. Put yourself in Job's shoes. If you were stripped of all these people & possessions, could you, would you still praise God. Explain your answer." (Live Deeply, Lenya Heitzig, p. 191). I listed the people most important, followed by some possessions and got to the second question. My heart clenched at the thought of losing anyone else close to me, let alone all of them. My response was I hope I would still praise God, because He holds my life in His hands and shed His blood to save me. I pray He always gives me the faith I need. The study then listed the following verses and asked the reader to journal a pryaer to learn to be content whatever the circumstances.

"...For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, an I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11b-13

Contentment by definition is "the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind." For some reason, when I think of being content, I think of a moment of bliss...a moment on a beach with your eyes closed, my baby asleep on my chest after a wonderful family day, opening my eyes after a good night's sleep. I don't automatically think of being content in a time of stress, grief, or even as Paul mentions, being hungry (um, have you ever seen me when I am hungry?!). I think the key to the Phil. passage is verse 13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Contentment in Christ is more than a "feeling." It is the satisfaction and ease of mind that come from knowing Christ, from knowing that at the end of time He is still in control and has His best in mind for me. It's knowing that even things hurt right this minute, He's holding my hand to accompany me out of the valley to the other side of the pain. It's knowing I don't have to be strong, because His strength is more than enough.

I am so thankful, as always, for God's perfect timing of my study today. As I entered into my time with Him today, I began by reading a brochure I got at the church the other day called "Losing Your Mom." I cried as I read through the many levels of grief that the loss of a mother can entail: loss of unconditional love, loss of family connector, loss of protection, loss of nurtering touch, loss of what we've taken for granted, loss of the person "whose story provides the beginning of our own, whose sense of self greatly impacts who we are." I have been thinking a lot the last few days how things just don't seem normal (duh!) and how things just really aren't the same when the whole family's gathered but she's not there. I have been feeling lonely in my grief, even amongst the people who have gathered lovingly around. It is so good of God to remind me that He's here; all I have to do is look up, and even though I feel sad, I have the hope of Glory, the true source of contentment.

Missing

This morning Zooey was talking away, saying "mo nana" (more banana) and "kitty cat" and "TaTa" (Tiny, our dog). She was smiley and happy as she always is in the morning, and I so wanted to text a picture to my mom. I wanted to call her and tell her how she said "mo nana." My mom always shared these little things with me at a level of enthusiasm that no one else did, not even Ryan sometimes. My heart aches with missing her today.

She gave me her chain reference Bible, which I've never seen before. I wanted to ask her to explain it to me, to share with me why she liked it so much, but she wasn't here to do that. I remember her telling me before she died that she wanted me to have it, because I'm in BSF and it helped her a lot when she was in BSF. Oh, I miss her.

The funeral on Thursday brought a real finality to the past week, to her death, but left me with a kind of "now what?" feeling. My sweet friend told me that now I have to learn to do the "new normal." I guess she's right, but it's uncharted territory. I talked to my mom everyday on the phone or in person. As my aunt said yesterday, moms are often the ones who kind of hold the family together. My mom certainly was the glue, and now we have to learn to share all that togetherness without her.

22 Months

Well, another month has come and gone, and this one was a busy one. Zooey is now 22 months old, just two short months away from being TWO! We spent most of the last month at my mom's, and one thing I can say about Zooey is she just brightens a room. We could've been having a stressful or emotional day, and Zooey would come in with her huge smile and cute antics and all those yucky feelings would just melt away. It was and is inevitable that she'd see me cry, and one time when she did, I told her I was sad because Grandma was sick. She grabbed my face, pulled me toward her and gave me a big kiss. Such a sweet, empathetic girl is my Zooey!

I'm not sure how much she weighs right now, but I'm guessing it's getting pretty close to 30lbs. She's also getting taller and leaning out. She can fit in some 24 month/2T clothes now, although she's still mostly in 18 month stuff.

Zooey loves to play with water and got into trouble a few times over at my parent's house for playing in the dog bowl and getting herself and the floor all wet. The video above was a morning about a week and a half ago when Rey brought Sarah's dogs over to the house for a visit, and we let Zooey go crazy with the water. She also loves animals, and her and Oreo (Sarah's biggest dog) were just following each other around - very cute!

She's becoming quite the artist, and she now tries to copy me by attempting to color in the lines when we color together. She watches me, then she starts inside and then colors a huge rainbow of colors all over the page. She's become quite a Grandpa's girl, and they are close buddies now after being over at his house so much. She'll often grab his hand to follow her and do what she wants to do after Mommy tells her no. I'm sure it's hard for him to resist that, but he does. :) After not being able to leave the house a lot, she's also become more fond of TV, something she kind of ignored before. She likes to sit and cuddle on the couch and watch Caillou or the Sesame Street Good Morning show on Sprout. Zooey also loves to dance and sing. It's very cute! She's even started to wiggle her little bottom when the music comes on. Although this isn't a habit, she took her first nap with mommy in the big bed, and it was a sweet time of cuddles.

She is still feisty as ever and definitely lets you know when she's not happy with something. She also gets very proud of herself when she obeys and is commended on it.

I love my little girl so much, and I'll say it again for the thousandth time, God knew we would need her smiles, joy, love and silliness in this time, because she certainly balances out the grief with immeasurable happiness and love.