Overwhelmed & Not Doing Anything

I am really struggling with feeling overwhelmed with all I have going on right now. I am working full-time, preparing my own Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) lesons & preparing weekly to teach my awesome group of 5th & 6th graders, taking two online courses through CNM and still cooking, caring for my husband & grandma and our home, trying to find time to walk daily like the doctor recommends and do weekly chores. Last term, this was no problem, and because Ryan & I weren't planning or even talking about getting pregant until I was already signed up for two classes, I thought I would tough it out and see how it went once I became pregnant. I am amazed at how tired I am! It is frustrating, but it is understandable. One book I read said something to the effect that my pregnant body is doing as much work as a marathoner's body is doing just sitting there being pregnant. Having done several triathlons, I can relate to how tired these races make me - and the exhaustion I feel from being pregnant is comparative. I could literally take an hour nap everyday - just like I do after a race. It is because of this, and because of some more spotting today and the nurse telling me it could also be my body's way of telling me I'm doing too much or am too stressed, that I am going to drop my hard class. It pains me and is a tough decision for me; however, I prayed about it and really feel that it is the right thing to do. I feel like I'm "just giving up" or quitting or like a failure, but like Ryan said, I can always take it again later on. I truly commend those pregnant girls who can do both school and work! I think if I worked part-time or maybe if I was at school only or work only full-time it would be a different story, but right now it just seems way too much. My priorities are my home life (especially "growing this little baby"), BSF and work. I want to be able to say I did everything in my control to give this baby a healthy chance at life, and eating well and lowering whatever stress I can are ways I can do that. My other class is very easy and only takes me about two hours a week - if that - so I am going to stay enrolled in it.

The spotting is VERY scary. Ryan was trying to calm me down (one of his big duties in our marriage :) ), and I feel like the best way to explain it is how I explained it to him. Before I got pregnant, I knew spotting was normal and common among many women in the first trimester. Before I got pregnant, I would've reassured someone who was going through it with my limited knowledge. Now that I am pregnant, let me just say, even thought logically I know it is normal and believe my doctor and the nurse telling me this, as well as the countless books and articles I've read, it is still incredibly scary. It doesn't matter that there's not very much. What matters is that there is blood and there should be none. I told Ryan that it's something he will probably never fully understand, because he is a man and will never experience it, and he agreed to that and to be supportive (not that he wasn't before). The nurse told me it can be some implantation bleeding and that some women experience that their full pregnancy. She told me some other reasons but that those wouldn't yet be seen on the ultrasound (they're not necessarily bad), and she again gave me the precautions of when to go to an ER. She was very reassuring, and I feel better and like I am overreacting.

The one thing I am thankful for about the WHOLE pregnancy experience (spotting included) is that it's the biggest thing I've ever done, and my relationship with the Lord has grown a lot in the last weeks. My first instinct is to go to Him, not anyone else. I try to do that anyway, but there is just such a deep sense of Him being in control that that truly is the only place I can go. No one else can comfort me or give me peace. No one else knows exactly what I'm feeling inside. No one but Him, and the best thing is that He knows it even better than I do. And just like He knows what's best for me, He knows what's best for the baby, too.

First Appointment and Announcements

We had our first doctor’s appointment yesterday. She confirmed the pregnancy using a urine test, will send that to the labs to check it all out and ordered some more blood work, which I had done yesterday afternoon. She said everything looks great according to the blood tests last week. She gave me some precautions of when to call her, what I can take as far as OTC medications, exercise, etc… She told me my morning sickness is going to get worse soon, because I will hit the six week mark on Wednesday; generally, I guess, this is when it starts to worsen. Every Wednesday thereafter is when I will change from week to week. My due date is October 7th – poor Ryan can’t go hunting in late September or at all in October this year L. According to the books, our little baby is approximately the size of a sweet pea, his/her heart is now beating, the arm & leg buds are beginning to form, and his/her ear canals are beginning to form in the shape of little bumps. J

Sometimes I get sad or frustrated, because it seems I wake up some mornings and have more symptoms than others. Today was a day when I woke up and felt time. Exhausted, yes, but other than that no symptoms. Yesterday I felt very nauseous in the afternoon, and although it was not “fun” it was my body’s way of telling me that things are changing, that everything’s “normal.” It’s hard to explain – I am not wishing to puke, I just wish I “felt pregnant.” I was a little disappointed yesterday, because I think I expected them to do a doppler ultrasound to see the heartbeat or the yoke sack. I don’t know where I got that expectation, but it was in my mind somehow. I now have to wait 5 weeks before I can go back to the doctor (on March 16th). It seems like SUCH a long time! On that day, they will do the doppler ultrasound to see the heartbeat. She said that there’s a chance they can see it at 10 weeks, but I know myself. If I didn’t see it at 10 weeks, I would probably be a nervous wreck waiting out the week until 11 weeks, so I just scheduled it for 11 weeks right off the bat. Now is my time to trust God that He’s developing the baby as it should be and trust His plan if something else should happen. I’m praying the blood work comes back normal again, that my HCG, progesterone and estrogen levels are going up nicely.

Ryan & I decided to tell our parents this weekend. We are going up to Colorado on Saturday for a visit, so we’ll be able to tell them in person, We’re going to go to dinner with my parents, and hopefully Sarah & Rey (my sister & her husband) – hasn’t gotten back to me yet – on Friday night. Since it’s Valentine’s Day on Saturday, for my family I am going to make some old-fashioned homemade valentines with construction paper and doilies, and I’m going to write a little poem on it to let them know there is a baby on the way. Something like:

My smile can’t be seen yet
My fingers not yet gripped
My little lips can’t kiss you
And you can’t hear my laugh

My God is doing His job
Knitting and knitting away
Did you know that I am being
Fearfully and wonderfully made

For now I’m warm and toasty
Until that exciting day
I’ll meet you October 7th
At least that’s what they say

I’m not telling exactly when
But of this you can be sure
I want to be your Valentine, (Name)
In February 2010

412 to 1,202

I woke up early this morning to spend time with the Lord and to eat my breakfast. As He has in other difficult situations or those of unsurety, during my prayer, I heard Him asking me, "Do you trust Me?"
"Yes, Lord, I trust You," I replied.
"I Am here. I love you." was His reply.
The Lord doesn't always give us forewarning good or bad of what is to happen in our finite lives, but I am thankful I have Him here by my side. I sat anxiously through a meeting this morning and back in my office afterward, I saw the doctor's office called twice. I was thinking that that could be good news or bad news. I called the nurse back, and she told me that my HCG levels are "right where they would expect them to be" and that they were 412 on 2/2 to 1,202 on 2/4. I just hit six weeks this morning, and my research on WebMD shows that my HCG levels should be between 100-10,000 from weeks 5-6. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. What an amazing God we serve! He cares about the details of our lives, details that seem so small, but when we pray specifically I've learned to sit back & watch God work. The fact of the matter is that if they had told me my levels were too high or too low that would've been an answer to prayer, too, and I could have rested in the fact that I prayed about it, and He cares. I am entrusting this baby to my God, because He cares for him/her more than I could ever dream of caring for them. I am entrusting this baby to my God, because He cares for me, He cares for Ryan, and I am blessed enough to have seen Him work all things together for His good time and time and time again. I entrust myself and this pregancy (& this baby) to Him, because He IS and WAS and ALWAYS WILL BE.

Waiting for HCG Results

It's funny to me that our faith can seem so huge one minute or day, like mine did on Monday, then dissipate as we try to control our own lives through different ways. My way is worry. I got my second vial of blood drawn today, after much lunchtime drama and having to go back after work - URG! - and having the tech stick me so hard I tensed up. (Side note: I really need to learn to suck it up, because if things go well, I'm going to be pushing a human out of me in 8 months). On the boards today, I was reading a couple posts and noticed a couple of women said they had "chemical pregnancies." Well, stupid me (I never learn to stay away from Google) looked up "how common are chemical pregnancies?" only to find out that these are the 50-70% of miscarriages that happen before a woman knows she's pregnant or finds out then starts her period a little late. GREEEAAT. Because I needed to give myself something ELSE to worry about. All I can do is pray. That's all I can do, because I cannot control this baby's life any more than I can control my own.

I'm calling tomorrow morning to get my lab results and praying God has increased my hormones just as they should be.

Yak! OK, not quite...

I was much more queasy today. So much in fact, that I actually gagged a couple of times. Once when I was walking out through the foyer to go to lunch, and I smelled the lovely (not) aroma of a man's extremely strong cologne and a mix of beef cooking at the snack bar and once after lunch when I was in the back and smelled someone's heated TV dinner. The first one almost made me puke - I held my breath until I got outside then breathed very deeply. I am also looking forward to any time I can sleep. It's become my routine to take a nap at lunch, go to bed early and get up slightly later. Today at work I also had to ask one of the tellers for some small rubberbands, which I then put around the buttons on my pants, as buttoning my normal pants now make me look like I hav world's worst muffin top. No, I am not naive enough to think I am showing - it is simply bloat, and with pants that were already getting a little too snug (regretting all those Christmas treats...), the waist is now very uncomfortable. As weird as this sounds, I am somewhat happy about these new symptoms.

Sunday night Ryan & I had just finished reading about our baby's development and were getting ready to turn in after a nice Super Bowl party with some friends when I noticed some slight spotting when I went to the bathroom. I was so worried, but thankfully God still blessed me with a good night's sleep. I called my doctor Monday morning, and her nurse called me back. She explained that sometimes women will spot the first month around the time they'd get their period, because the body's just getting used to everything. She said that it is very common in the first trimester to lightly spot. Since I am still so early on into the pregnancy, an ultrasound would be ineffective at noticing whether or not anything is wrong, so just to be safe, she had me go in to get some blood drawn to check my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels. I will go in again tomorrow at the same time to see if the levels are rising as they should (they should double every 2 days). I am so blessed that God has been keeping me at peace and am very thankful for the prayers of some close friends for that. As a side note, the phlebotomist was training, and anyone who knows me knows that wasn't going to fly - I am terrified of needles - so I felt bad, but I made the trainer draw my blood. I will get the results either Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning. I'm praying for God to increase my hormone levels as they should. I am blessed to have such a caring Heavenly Father, One who lets me know that even if my world is topsy turvy, or even if it is bliss, He surrounds me and will always be there with His arms wrapped around me. When I opened my e-mail yesterday morning, my mind filled with fear and worry, God was so sweet to give me these verses of the day from KLOVE:

"I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." - Isaiah 65:24

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." - Jeremiah 33:3-4

5 weeks

I signed up for an online community at www.thebump.com. It's a neat place to be able to chat on the message boards with other women who are in their first trimesters, and it helps ease some of the first-time mommy worries a little bit. :) It is also comforting to know that many other women think about the same things I think about. I signed on today, and my message was "Welcome Amber! You are now 5 weeks pregant." My baby is now the size of an appleseed, and his/her heart is forming. Ryan doesn't get how they count the weeks before you are already pregnant. He keeps correcting me and saying "three weeks" - it's cute. Although I am trying to be cautious in my optimism, it is hard not to be excited when this is something I have wanted all my life. I have been feeling a little nauseous only when I eat too much and sometimes first thing in the morning. I've been getting super hungry a lot quicker than I used to - I feel like I need to eat every 2.5 hours rather than every 3-4 hours. I've also been very bloated. So much so that I had to unbutton my jeans yesterday before I went to the grocery store and still felt uncomfortable.

Ryan & I decided to tell our families after our first doctor's visit on February 9th, if all goes well. We are going up to Colorado the weekend of the 13th and would like to be able to tell his family in person. Who knows when we will go up again... The more I think about telling them before the first trimester is up the more I think I really want my family's love and support. Even if this one doesn't "stick" I would want them to be a part of that, too.

Well, one of my other symptoms - exhaustion - is kicking in, and I do believe it's time to hit the sack.