A silly kind of grief

My shrink (yes, I have a shrink; long story for another day) says that you grieve when you lose anything. He always likes to give the example of losing your keys. You lose your keys and say "Oh, they're around here somewhere" (denial). Then it's "Now, honey, I'm going to shave your eyebrows off when you're sleeping, because you moved my keys!" (anger). Then it's "Dear God if you help me find my keys I swear I'll drive my car right over to the shelter and do community service" (bargaining). Then "Sigh. I lost my keys. However will I get around? I just don't know what to do" (depression). And finally, "I lost my keys. Time to make a new set and move on" (acceptance).

The reason I say this is to defend my silliness about grieving finally dropping Zooey's dreamfeed. I am weaning her off this feeding this week. I moved it to 9:30 for a few nights and was ok. When I moved it to 9:15, I was still fine (read: Denial). But then I moved it to 9:00 and shortened the feeding. I started "bargaining" with all the reasons she still might need it: to help her sleep at night, to get one last snuggle in...she doesn't need these things. I can tell she's ready, and in fact, she's been ready for a few weeks now. She barely swallows, and sometimes it causes her to wake up and fuss when she could've just been asleep. I direct my anger at Ryan (or whoever) for not understanding my silliness of grief. And I feel the tears welling up (baby tears, I'm not a crazy person), so there's depression. I know I'll cry the last night I do it, which will be Sunday. I've said before that the dreamfeed used to be something I couldn't stand doing. I wanted to go to bed and sleep not stay up and get in one more feed in. I wanted Ryan to do it. :) It has, however, become my most special, precious time of day with Zooey. For me it is one last snuggle. It is walking in her room and seeing her fast asleep with her little arms spread above her head and her little chest rising and falling. It is breathing in her sweet baby smell as she nuzzles up against my neck when I pick her up. It is rocking her for a few minutes afterward and hearing her breathing and little sighs and calming down before I turn in for the night. It is holding her when she is calm and a baby - something she will only be for such a fleeting time in her life. She is just so innocent, so sweet, so dependent.

The dreamfeed has become that perfect moment in recent days where so much has been chaotic and scary. And as much as I love it, it is time to let it go. I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because it is one of the first of many things that I am going to come to love that I will have to let go of in order to do my job as a mother successfully: to raise Zooey to be a self-sufficient, independent adult who can go out into the world on her own. As I think about this, I cannot imagine it. It seems like it's someone else's child I'm thinking about. However, I know it's Zooey, and based at how fast time has flown by, I know the next 18 years will fly by too. I just wanted to sit down and reflect on this sweet thing lest I forget it (like I ever would!).

So, you can call me silly if you want; that's ok. :) I'm sure moms all over have "grieved" silly little things as their little ones grow.

His Unfailing Love

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice, because You have rescued me." ~ Ps. 13:5

The doctor called my mom back with the AMAZING NEWS that there is NO cancer in her lymph nodes. She was too excited to really pay attention to what caused the spots on the PET scan, but she will find out the next time she talks to him, which will be when she goes in to have the tumor in her lung cut out. I cannot even begin to express what an answer to prayer this news is. God is SO good. Although in my heart I had hope (and let's be honest, I think this hope was keeping me in that denial stage I wrote about earlier), I didn't really want to believe the hope. I thought that hope was too good to be true, so although I clung to faith that God could absolutely take care of this and do the "impossible," it was still so hard to believe. I am so full of joy that I cried tears of joy.

This most likely means her cancer is Stage I, which means it can be treated soley with surgery (most likely). We are still praying that the brain scan tomorrow will be negative, God will continue to keep the cancer from spreading, the surgery will get all the cancer out for good and that God will continue to give us peace and protect us from spiritual warfare.

Do not get me wrong - if this prayer had been answered in another way, say she did have cancer in the lymph nodes, I would still be thankful for answered prayer and continue to submit my prayer to God, knowing He is fully in control. I am just so thankful and am rejoicing that He has strengthened our faith and encouraged us with this news. PRAISE GOD!!

Grief - Denial

I know that throughout the journey with my mom's cancer I am going to grieve many things. Death is not the only thing people grieve. We grieve anything that is lost. I will grieve the loss of "function," or realizing my mom isn't as healthy as we thought she was, that she will not always be here with us. I went through this when my dad had his heart attack 2 years ago, as well. I will grieve the loss of day to day things, like when she's sick from treatment and we can't just pick up and go to lunch or visit on end about random things. I will grieve a lot of things, I'm sure, prayerfully and hopefully not the end of her life here on earth; that's something I'm completely unprepared for. Grief sucks. There's no other way to put it. It's awful, especially in the magnitude of something like cancer. I've been down the ol' grief road several times in my adult life, and each time I think to myself that at that very moment it is awful being an adult. It's something that makes you want to crawl up on your mom's lap and cry and just be held, you know? It's strange, it's like I know what to prepare for: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You can go through them one at a time or several at a time and not always in that order...that's the textbook stuff. And yet, every time you go through the grieving process it's different. It cuts you in a new way. It changes you, and if you let God, He'll change and strengthen your faith through it. He'll let you climb onto His lap and cry.

That being said, there is one part of grief that isn't so bad, and that's denial, and I've got it bad. I am SO in denial about my mom's cancer. I can sit at breakfast with my family and go shopping with my mom and hardly think about it. Someone can ask about her treatment options, and she can make a joke about not pushing the shopping cart because she's the sick one, and I swear to you - it's as if they're talking about someone else. I can't describe it. It just doesn't phase me in the way that it "should" phase me because it's my mom. I am in complete denial. Denial. Not "nice" but definitely takes the jagged edge off of depression and anger, doesn't it? And when I leave Zooey's room from her dreamfeed (still not dropped, but that's a whole other story...) and get ready to turn in for the night, the depression and/or anger hit me like a ton of bricks. Do I let myself feel it? No. I shut it off and go to sleep. I know it'll come...I've done this gig before. Right now I'm just letting my subconscious do the thinking and trying my best to enjoy everything else. I'm also praying my heart out that the lymph node biopsy and brain MRI both come back negative.

As Lazy as a Hibernating Bear

Let's see...I haven't worked out in a week and a half. I've been shoving food into my mouth like a high school boy. I'm going to give myself slack, though, due to the recent developments in "life." As of today, I have 17 weeks and 2 days until my tri. Due to being even lazier than my current state during my entire pregnancy, I can't run more than 1/2 mile. Who knows how far I can bike, but when I ride my trainer I feel like my butt is going to fall off and I can't breathe. Swimming is currently out of the question, so we'll tackle that at a much later date. My plan is to run 3x next week and cycle 2x (either at home or at a spin class). I'm also going to up my veggies & fruit, getting in at least 2 fruits and 3 veggies a day, and I'm going to drink my 10 glasses of water every day. Here's to victory! :)

Because I put it out there

Teething sucks. Here I am all "la-dee-dah-maybe my baby won't have a horrible time teething." Today has been awful. Poor little Zooey has been fussy and crying her little eyes out practically all day long. She'll be happy for a minute with her link or teether, then the toy will hit her gums and she gets going again. :( I feel so sad for her; all I can do is let her naw on my finger, because that seems to help. Let's hope these teeth (yes, we think we see 2) come in quickly and next time won't be quite so tough on the little girl.

My living room looks like Fisher Price threw up on it

Seriously. I used to have a nice, cozy feel with room for guests to sit and chat. Now I have a swing, jumparoo, playpen, activity mat and don't forget the baby blanket, Boppy and burp cloths. It's not like I have room for this stuff somewhere else. It would only block closets and create fire hazards. I guess it's just part of the gig when you have a kid, right? I know someday I'm going to look around at broken vases and disarray and think back on these days with nostalgia, because right now Zooey's not mobile enough to cause damage. I also know someday I'm going to look at pictures of my living room chaos and remember scooping my baby up from each of these various baby items and ache for the time I could hold her in my arms. So - I embrace the chaos of baby toys and cherish every sweet second when my little girl looks up at me from them and smiles.

Hewwo - me has a toof!

Zooey's first tooth is coming through! I can feel the tip of it on her bottom gums. Very exciting news and ohmygoodness I can't believe how fast she is growing and changing. Ryan & I both teethed early, around 3.5-4.5 months, so I'm not really surprised. I've seen the little white bumps there for about a week or two, but I was a little shocked when looking this morning to notice that it's breaking through. She seemed quite excited, too and smiled when I went on about it. :) The fussiness level actually isn't too bad yet. Maybe she's one of those babies who teething doesn't effect too much.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

We're home!

Zooey & I are home. The trip back home was, shall we say, more adventurous than the journey there. First off, I bought too many outfits at the Carters outlet store and coupled with the extra wipes from my trip, I had to bounce up and down on my suitcaseto get it to shut. Visions of underwear going round and round at baggage claim from a busted suitcase were running through my mind. When I finally got that taken care of, I went downstairs and to my dismay realized that my car seat base was in Jenni's car. Crap. She was kind enough to turn around and make the 20 minute drive to bring it to me and drop me off for breakfast with my in-laws. While waiting for her, we had a major spit-up issue which thankfully was all over Zooey's jacket and none on the outfit. The airport included a mini-hunger-breakdown at security and a leaky diaper & costume change...oh, and a delayed flight. Zooey & I were both very happy when we finally walked through the gates at the airport and saw Daddy at the waiting area! :) Even with all that, it wasn't that bad. Zooey is an AWESOME baby and did great on the plane. People were even commenting on how great she was and asking me my "secret." Um. Nurse her so her ears don't hurt. She adjusted to her routine perfectly and already seems to be right back on track. We are very blessed. Sometimes I wonder if the next one will be this happy, content and easygoing, but only time will tell.

Of course, coming home brings me back to reality, and once again my family is up against cancer. My mom had her biopsy consultation this morning, and they got her in super quick - tomorrow morning at 7:00. The dr. said he was concerned and is "praying that it is just scar tissue from a prior infection." That is what we are praying, too. Again, no matter what happens, I have full confidence in God's perfect will. I also firmly believe that the speediness of this process thus far is no accident. I feel that the timing of each appointment has been an answer to prayer. God is faithful. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I REJOICE in knowing that this includes each one of my immediate family members. We're gearing up for battle. I keep thinking of the spiritual armor that I must put on daily to combat the enemy's lies and the anxiety that comes with the fear he is constantly trying to instill in my mind. My mom is so brave. It has to be so scary and so hard to know that you're going to face something that sucks SO BADLY. It has to take a courage like none I've ever known. I know God is with her, I can see it in her face.

My Little Valentine

Zooey's first Valentine's Day was yesterday! We are visiting Jenni for President's Day weekend, and we've been having SO much fun. We've been hanging out, watching movies, shopping (oh-my-goodness-so-exciting-Carters Outlet Store!), eating and talking. My mom, of course, is still on my mind, but it's been a nice, relaxing trip and a good mental break for me. I even took a bath! The last time I got to do that was in August when I was pregnant and sick with that horrible stomach flu that gave me contractions! It's been a really sweet time, and I've been enjoying it. Zooey's been enjoying it, too. She traveled well and conquered her first plane ride like a champ. Even though her routine got a little off, she was right back on track by day 2 and we've had minimal fussing/crying with her. Everyone's always impressed with how good a baby Zooey is. :) She really just goes with the flow; I could learn a lot from her. I heard her first real belly laughs this weekend and even got them on video (e-mail me if you'd like the link and password to view it). It was hysterical, heart-warming and SOOO cute! She's fascinated by a new rattle that Jenni & Austin gave her and seems to have mastered the art of shaking it. I mean, she was shaking stuff before, but now she is amazed that she is the one making the rattling noise. She's just so much fun, and I am so in love with her! I feel like I have a better understanding of love this Valentine's Day just having her in my life. I could go on and on, but it's time to get on with the day...my visit's almost over. Love to all!

An answer to prayer already

My mom's consult with the doctor who will be doing the mediastinoctomy (lymph node biopsy) moved her appointment up to next Tuesday, the 16th at 2:00. God is so good to answer this prayer so quickly for us!

Stage I or Stage III

My mom had her oncology appointment today. She has non-small cell adenocarcinomas. Although my mom did smoke for maybe 3 years tops in her early 20's, the doctor said that this type of cancer is related to second-hand smoke (which she was around her entire childhood) and is very common in women - even those who don't smoke. They will not be sure of the staging of the cancer, until she gets two tests: a brain MRI and a biopsy on her lymph nodes in her chest. The doctor said it is either stage 1 or stage 3. If it's stage 1, it means the tumor is confined to her lung and will most likely be surgically removed - end of story; stage 1 is a 60-80% survival rate. If it's stage 3, it means it's spread to the lymph nodes in her chest, and she would need chemo and radiology; stage 3 is a 20-30% survival rate. Least likely is stage 4, meaning it's spread outside the lung to the brain. Apparently, they can't do a PET scan on the brain because the brain metabolizes the most glucose in the whole body; since the PET scan dye is made of a glucose solution, the whole brain would look like a giant blob of cancer. That's why she has to get a brain MRI. She showed us the PET scans, which show the lymph nodes looking dark like the tumor does. When my mom asked her if she thought it looked like cancer, she thought it did but said she's been tricked before. This was both unsettling and hopeful to me. A previous illness or infection can apparently leave the lymph nodes looking like this, too.

This was obviously a lot of information to take in. I have felt such an incredible range of emotions, from anger to sadness to denial to numbness. I still feel a bit in shock. My mom doesn't look sick. She doesn't act sick. Yet, she's got this 3cm X 1 1/4 inch tumor sitting in her left lung, this time bomb, and I think about that and it hits me. I want her to fight. I want God to heal her. I want Zooey to get to know her. I want her to meet any other children we have. I want the little things - calling to chat, going to lunch, laughing and all the things that are normal.

I'm having a hard time thinking about this situation right now; I usually do this, though...get numb for awhile as news processes then I'm better able to access my thoughts about things. I am continuing to pray, because no matter what, God is Faithful (interesting side bar of how God speaks: Faithful was our attribute this week at BSF - how sweet of God to prepare me for this). I am praying that she will get in for the lymph node biopsy sooner than in 2 weeks, that the brain MRI will show no cancer and that all results are back to the oncologist quickly, so treatment options can be presented and that those treatments are 100% effective.

How God Speaks

This was my devotional this morning:

"I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in his life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place. Ephesians 2:6; Matthew 14:28-32"

God is so personal. Even though my anxiety is at an all-time high, even though I cried this morning during my prayer time and felt plagued by doubt, I can count on the fact that He cares, and just like He saved Peter when Peter looked down at the waves and doubted, I know I can count on Him reaching out and saving me.

Cancer.

I can't believe I'm typing this. My mom has cancer. The cursor blinks on the screen, and I wish I could somehow backspace over it violently and make the sentence and the reality of it disappear. She finally heard back from the pulmonary specialist this morning, and he said the biopsy on her lung came back malignant. He also noticed something on her lymph nodes, but it was inconclusive. She has to have a biopsy on that, too. She goes for the biopsy on the 23rd - the 23rd! TOO far away, why can't they do it now? She meets with an oncologist (I can't believe I'm talking about my mom, here - this stuff only happens to people I don't really know!) on Wednesday, and my dad, Sarah & I are going with her. My mind is reeling, my stomach feels sick, and tears are stinging my eyes. I went to lunch with my family today; Zooey and Ryan stayed home. While we were at Applebees, I remembered how we went there when we put our dog, Brandi down. When I was a child, I thought that was such extreme pain. Today, though, I sat in Applebees with my family and my heart was seared with a new kind of pain and fear. Cancer is scary. People die from cancer. I am so sad that my mom has to go through this that I cannot even express my emotion. Although I am currently unsure of the treatment options and what that will entail, I know enough about cancer to know that the treatment is no picnic. It is painful. It is draining. If I could take it for her, I would. The brain is a funny thing. One would think that these thoughts would be all-consuming, but we sat and had lunch and even laughed. My mom & Sarah came to visit Zooey, and we all sat around looking at her and smiling. But then, my mom would cough a little and I thought about this "thing" that's sitting in her lung and wished I could will it away. Or, I would make eye contact with Sarah, which always does me in when something's going on, because I know exactly what she's feeling from her eyes, even when she doesn't show it. Or I'd look at my mom and see her worried expression and once again I'd be struck with the reality of cancer. People also don't die from cancer, though, and that is what I'm trying to cling to right now. She just went to the doctor to meet her and establish a PCP. She almost didn't bring up her cough to the doctor. Maybe they caught it early and will treat it and it will be gone. I can't play the "what-if's" or I'll just make myself crazy. These are the moments when faith and action really have to collide, because there's nothing else I or anyone else can do but pray and trust the Lord with His best for my mom. I don't know what else to say. And when I don't know how to pray, I will rest in the fact that Jesus knows what to pray and ask Him to do just that for us.

Zooey is 4 months old today!

Our beautiful girl is growing so fast! She is four months old today. As she grows and learns more and more I think about all the things I want her to learn. First and foremost I want her to know Jesus. I want her to do more than just know Him - I want her to have a deep and consuming passion for Him. I pray this for her every night. I want her to know that even when she makes mistakes that she is so loved by me and Ryan and that she can always come to us. I want her to know that her looks do not define her, that she is strong and intelligent. I want her to know if she really puts her mind to something, she can most likely accomplish it...but that she should always seek God's will in the process. There is so much more! I want her to fight for what she believes in, to find true love, to not be satisfied with apathy, to not make the same mistakes I did. I know that is why we are here, to teach her these things. I pray we will be successful with God's enabling.

Being a mother is the job which has hands-down brought me the most joy; it is also the hardest job I've ever had. I think I have things figured out, then something happens that throws me for a loop. Naps go well, then they go bad and I think, "What am I doing? What should I be doing?" Any mom who's had nap problems with an infant knows it can almost seem like a battle of wills, even if Baby's not doing it on purpose. We are concerned with our little one's sleep needs, knowing how much it helps their little brains grow. Zooey doesn't eat well and I question my milk supply and hope she's getting enough to eat. Many times, my sweet husband and my mom will help me overcome my "first time mommy worries" in a very patient calm manner. I realize that this is the beginning of many worries, many prayers that I'm doing the right things and the realization that I would give anything for her to have what she needs. Although I often wish that Zooey came with an instruction manual, I am very thankful that God started me off with small problems. :) And of course, I am thankful for the Manual, the Bible, to guide me through the really tough stuff. In addition to questioning yourself as a parent, there are always people who are going to say something at some point that may make you question the job you're doing even further. It's hard to brush it off sometimes, but I'm learning more and more that this is where I just have to let things go and trust myself and Ryan with the way we've decided to do things. And more and more I know that I will try everything in my power to never say those "I can't believe she ____" about any other mother unless what they're doing is seriously detrimental.

Being a mother has made me so thankful for my mother. It really brings tears to my eyes sometimes when I think about it. A mother is sacrificial in so many ways, the love is so unfathomable before you have children. I get that now. It brings a new level of respect and love to my heart for my mom.

Zooey is doing well, albeit a few bumps in the road this last week - which is pretty normal for four months, from what I've read. :) She's learning all kinds of new skills! She now passes things from one hand back to the other, noms on everything she can get in her mouth, laughs out loud (which is THE BEST!), rolls over more - and not just when she's angry about being on her tummy, sits better assisted, has added some consonants (b, d) to her ever-expanding baby babble, follows people across the room and she can now "find" certain things, like her links, when we ask her where they are. I'm sure I'm missing some things that she's learning, but these are the ones that have really stood out to me this past month. I am excited for her and just watching her do all these new things and can't wait to see what the future holds. We are going on our first airplane trip to see Jenni next week. It's just me and Zooey! I'm sure it will be a blast. :)

OK I think I figured it out

I really believe Zooey's going through a growth spurt. After 2 days of fussing and poor naps, trying a teething ring and lots of cuddling I noticed (yes - slow mom of the year award goes to me!) that she was also taking full feedings every time I fed her early. Today, she's still napping for only 45 min. - 1 hour, but I feed her right when she wakes, she's very interested in eating and very hungry and VERY happy. I've just adjusted her waketime and put her down after an hour. Yes, she'll be taking several short naps today, but in my opinion, it's better than no naps at all. And I'm sure that in a few days she'll be back to her normal routine as she always is after a growth spurt. :)

On a side note, I do see some white bumps on her gums and have been giving her her links to nom on just in case she is teething, too.

Or is it teething?

I just had the thought that maybe Zooey's teething. She woke up from 2 of her naps crying, which is unusual for her. And now she's fussing/moaning in her sleep. She doesn't have a fever. Poor baby! Something's obviously going on...maybe she's just overtired? Sigh.

The dreaded 4 month wakefuls

I think, that is.

Zooey will be 4 months this Friday. I know - can you believe it!? Anyways, she's been having HORRIBLE naps this week. 45 minute intruder naps. Naps where she'll wake up after 30 minutes and just play. Naps where she cries and cries before the nap. This problem started with just her 1st nap of the day. It kept happening, and in my gut I thought it was because she needed to drop her last nap. Well, then last week, she began taking a short nap for her 3rd nap, as well. I decided to drop her 4th nap cold turkey yesterday after some advice I got from some other moms. She did very well dropping that nap, as she has actually gone without taking it several times when we were out and about. I awoke today thinking it would be a new day. That Zooey would go back to taking her excellent 2 hour naps for the first 2 naps and at least an hour-1.5 hours for the 3rd. That is not what happened. In fact, her routine is so out of whack that I felt it best for her to have a 4th nap today, just because she's only slept for about 2.5 hours napwise today. I also figured out that she's just in there playing when she wakes up early (she's not hungry or soiled - I've tried feeding her and she just stops to talk, look around or laugh). Today I noticed that it seems like she's just crying because social time is ending when it's time to go down for a nap. So...CIO time has begun again. So hard to listen to, but I know it's worth it in the long run. A few women have told me that I can probably expect the good naps from dropping the 4th nap in about 4-5 days, so I am both hoping and praying that we can get back on task with her routine tomorrow and that we will see positive changes before Zooey & I go out of town next weekend. It would be a total drag to have a crabby, overtired baby on vacation.

Anyone have 4 month wakefuls? How long did they last?

I am praising the Lord that they're not happening in the middle of the night! :)