I miss my mom today. I was driving home after lunch and glanced at the clock. "1:38," I thought, "I'll call Mom; she's probably at lunch." I shook my head and realized all in one moment that she's not here. Oh, how I long that she could've seen Zooey on Christmas. I wish I could've talked with her about the ways Zooey's grown in the last year, how she really gets how to open a gift now, how cute she was on her slide that Santa brought her. I wish I could upload the video of Christmas morning and show her and see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. I wish I could take her to the places I take Zooey to play and explore. I just miss sharing life with her. I wish I could hear her tell me funny stories, or sing her silly songs to her dogs, or hear her tell me what she learned on Charles Stanley. It's the little things, you know?

I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!

I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.

Christmas

Although a post is sure to follow with pictures and updates of Zooey and family and everything else, the number one reason we celebrate Christmas is CHRIST. Our pastor shared a bit of this in church this morning, and I found it on the internet and just had to share. I feel that this explains the meaning of Chistmas so well. May Christ bless you as you approach this new year, and may you know THIS God and grow closer to Him. Love, Amber, Ryan & Zooey

The Message of Christmas


“This God could put on eyebrows and kneecaps, tear ducts and saliva glands.

This God could be born under the tyrants Augustus and Herod.

This God could accept the smells of shepherds, and the extravagancies of political emissaries.

This God could start life a vulnerable hunted child born into scandal.

This God could grow up under foreign domination and among terrorists and outcasts.

This God could sit in the street playing marbles.

This God could wear with pride the calloused splintered hands of an honest workman building the houses and fixing the furniture of half-castes, outcasts and bigots.

This God could ask his cousin to baptise him along with the rest of the crowd.

This God could make the best vintage Pinot Noir or Cabernet Sauvignon even when the guests were too drunk to know the difference.

This God could befriend a bloke in a tree with small man syndrome.

This God could enjoy a sinful woman washing his feet, giving her his full and undivided attention, and ignoring the eye-rolling of lawyers and theologians.

This God could spend a whole night making a whip to crack over the backs of con artists who rip-off the poor.

This God could wrap the greatest truths in the simplest stories, and put a sting in the tail of every yarn.

This God could let himself hang on a tree, nails tearing at his sinews, every muscle screaming, the weight of the world upon his shoulders, life slowly draining away.

This God could invite women to be the first to know that he was back.

This God could delay his own glorious homecoming long enough for a bite of breakfast on the beach and a yarn with an old mate to let him know there were no hard feelings and to pass on his mantle.

This God could take his own story and give it the most surprising ending.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God could reach into the crevices of my soul to bring to life the longings I smother so pathetically and recklessly with shame and excuses.

This God could raise me up to life with him.

This God could give me every blessing he could give himself.

This God could draw me out of my petty self-interest and sad little excuses without even a hint of a ‘tut-tut’, a frown, or a patronising smile.

This God could be more infuriating and fascinating and gobsmacking than any god I could ever make up.

This God could love my obsessiveness and overlook my forgetfulness.

This God could laugh and cry with me, and come play with me.

This God could make me his glory.

This God could love me.

This God could make my heart good.

This God could trust me.

This God could never be safe, but always be good.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God I want to know.

This God I know in the face and Spirit of Jesus.”

I found this on the blog, "Knowing Narnia," at http://iosa.tumblr.com/. This post was titled "The Message of Christmas" and was dated 12/15/11.

26-27 Months

Wow, how time flies. I completely forgot to do Zooey's 26 month update at the beginning of December! It's been a busy month for us, getting ready for Christmas and doing triple the shopping (Sarah & I went shopping on behalf of my dad and grandma) and triple the wrapping. It honestly feels like such a blur. So, here are some things to catch you up on Miss Zooey.

Zooey really enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate almost a whole plate of food! Her favorite was the cranberries. She LOVES the Christmas tree and outside lights we put up. She had so much fun hanging ornaments and kept laughing, smiling and yelling, "tree!" She's also been very good, leaving the tree and the presents alone.

Zooey is obsessed with her baby dolls! She carries one around almost all the time, and she loves to feed them, give them kisses, snuggle and sleep with them, push them in the stroller and do lots of other things with them (like throw them on the floor and laugh). She walks around happily babbling and saying "baby" over and over again, and we can almost never leave the house without one of her precious babies. We've started to name them, because she has about six, and she always wants a different one.

We had snow a few times that actually stuck a little to the ground, so she was pretty excited about that. She liked to touch it with her finger and try to put it on my finger. She doesn't like to walk on it too much, though, but maybe that's because when we had that icky slush I told her it was slippery.

Zooey's getting more into imagination play (as mentioned above with her babies), and she also has her babies pet her toy animals or give them kisses. She has been enjoying building with her blocks, she still loves crafts (although she seems to be on a coloring hiatus right now, preferring stickers, paint and glue) and she's also getting into puzzles. In fact, second to her babies, she probably spends most of her free play doing her puzzles and pegboard. We've continued daily story time, and her favorites continue to be her Bible stories. She loves to play with her Christmas nativity toy as I tell the story. She's also begun to enjoy longer books more and seems to be able to pay attention a little longer. She loves to point out things in the stories as I read and ask her where/what things are.

I've mentioned before that Zooey isn't really into TV, but that's changed in the last month or so. We don't let her watch too much, but she does get about 20-45 minutes of TV time per day, and her favorites, in order, are Yo Gabba Gabba & Play With Me Sesame. We've started a new routine in the morning where we go snuggle with Daddy when he wakes up and we watch PWMS. Zooey loves being the one to wake Ryan up, and Ryan & I enjoy having a little quiet time as a family. Today, she must have been very tired, because she slept in until 9:00, which allowed me to doze a little longer, too. When she got up, we had extra TV snuggle time and just kind of chilled out. It was relaxing and nice to have those cuddles!

The biggest thing that's happened in the last month, which has taken up a lot of our focus and is probably why it seems time went so fast, is potty training. The first weekend in December, Zooey asked to go potty at church and went! So, we started potty training that afternoon. That first week was ROUGH to say the least, but now she is doing very well and is in panties except for naps & nights. She's actually been dry & clean for naps for almost a week, so I'll probably change her to panties for naps this week, too. She's so funny; she was so proud of herself and loves her Elmo potty seat so much that she has tried to kiss it multiple times! Stay tuned for an update on our next big change: the big girl bed, which we are transitioning to next week.

Zooey is such a sweet, loving girl, always snuggling up or giving kisses and cuddles in the midst of her playtime. She's happy and confident and not easily scared or hurt - she's a toughie. She bounces back quickly from disappointment, except maybe when she's tired or hungry. Another cute story: at church on Sunday, her little buddy Sybella was having a minor breakdown, and when Sybella's mom went to get her, she said Zooey was sitting there patting Sybella with a very concerned look on her face. This is my empathetic, caring little girl! That made my heart so proud.  She's a joy to mother and to be around; she's my little buddy. :)

Zooey with her little friend, Sybella

"Ya, I'm cute."

Big girl knows how to climb up in her own seat now



Saying "hi" to Aunt RaRa at work. She loves RaRa, if you can't tell from the big smile.

"Tree!!!"

Having some fun at a local indoor playroom

Exploring at the children's touch museum

(I detest Barney) but Zooey loves him





Zooey self-soothing by twirling her hair to fall asleep - just like me, Grandma & RaRa!

And last but not least, here's a slideshow of the 2-year prints I'm putting up in the house. My friend Carmelita took them, and they are so pretty!



Growing Up...A Mother's Heart

Zooey's been potty-training the last two and a half weeks. She's doing very well and is now in panties except for nights and naps, soon only nights. Another big change is coming, too - we're going to convert her crib to a "big girl bed." While we thought we'd wait, it occurred to us that we have a trip coming up in February, & she's simply too big for the pack n' play now. We'd like her to adjust to a bed before our trip.

Oh my, how my baby girl is growing up. My mother's heart swells with pride and reluctance at this. Do I miss the 2am feedings? No, but as my girl grows more independent with every passing day, I sure miss the bliss of her snuggling up on my chest and falling asleep. Do I miss hauling a baby carrier around everywhere? Not really, but I'm sure I'll always wish I could strap her in or cover her up against people I don't think she should be around or the elements of life. I beam in joy at all her accomplishments, at her pride over all the things she's learning to do on her own, but I wince at the pain that sometimes comes with the learning curve and wish I could somehow shelter her from that part. Of all the frustrations we moms face in toddlerhood, how often do we stop and reflect on what a sweet, short time it is?

I can't help but wish I could ask my own mom what it felt like for her to move through these milestones at what feels like light speed...did she stop with the same bittersweet pauses? Were her tears mingled with the same pride and nostalgia? Knowing her, I'm sure they were. I wonder if Zooey will grow up as I have and sometimes reminisce and wish she could go back to being little like I do, to snuggle on with my mom with no greater care than what book to choose for story time.

Growing is hard to watch and hard to do, but necessary. It involves letting go, something is humans are generally not too find of. Hopefully I can do it in a God-honoring way and cherish every second as I watch.