Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day Brunch

Today was a wonderful Mother's Day. Ryan took Zooey and I out to brunch at Le Peep, I took a nice long nap, we went over to Sarah & Rey's for dinner and finished up the day with Menchie's. Zooey made me four beautiful Mother's Day cards this week at her various activities, all of which I love and will treasure. At brunch she said, "Happy Mommy's Day! Love you so much!" and gave me a kiss. It was very sweet.
I've been seeing a lot of these "before I was a mom" posts on the internet. They're all so great and ring so true. I've been thinking a lot about how I personally have grown in my knowledge of God's love since becoming a mother. Lately, with a three and a half year old who very much seems to like to push my buttons or merely gets into trouble out of her own curiosity, I find myself muttering, "When are you ever going to stop that?" or "What on earth would possess her to do that?" I've also been stopping short halfway through those comments, because I feel like God's nudging my heart ever so gently, "Amber, when are you going to stop being unkind to that person?" "Amber, you know my Word says not to do ____ , yet you did it. Why?" And it's truly not a "guilt trip" God-voice. It is spoken gently, as a reminder that I am a foolish, faulty human being, desperately broken and in desperate need of a Savior who loves me despite all the foolish, faulty, sinful things I do on a daily - nay, an hourly or even minute by minute basis. My love for Zooey is not shaken when she hits me or calls me a bad boy or pours water all over the bathroom floor. In fact, in some of the quirky not so naughty stuff, it just makes me (eventually) laugh with her and love her more. I stand in awe of a King who continues to love me time and again...when I say the ugly thing for the thousandth time, when I tell a little white lie and justify it in my own way, when I mess up again with "that sin," the one I currently struggle to tackle by His grace. How? How can He possibly continue to love me? Because I'm His daughter. Pure and simple: God loves me, because I'm His child. Nothing will shake His love for me. Of course He moves us on a course of sanctification, which is why we must face discipline, just like our kids...we don't want them hitting people and calling them names when they're thirty. And that's a whole other topic. Thank God, though, for His unconditional, unfailing, beautiful, tender and compassionate Fatherly love!

Happy Mother's Day! May us mamas remember as we are in the daily grind that we serve a God who goes before us and stands behind us on both the wonderful, rose colored, everything-is-rainbows-and-smiles days and on the hard, watching-the-clock-for-bedtime, I-will-LOSE-it-if-you-do-that-one-more-time days. May He grant us the wisdom and grace to relish the good days and handle the bad to His glory. May He help us to cherish and capture the memories in our minds that are so fleeting. May He enable us to raise our children to forever impact His kingdom.

Motherhood

Motherhood is nausea and a crushed bladder and insomnia. Motherhood is talking to and protecting a life the size of a pinhead. Motherhood is excruciating labor and bliss at first sight. It is sleepless nights and stolen 3am kisses. Sore nipples, stretch marks and baby weight. Motherhood is swollen pride at the first smile, the first steps and the first word, the joy at hearing "Mama"...and sometimes the pierced heart of hearing the same word when it's coming from an ill little voice that you can't do anything for. Motherhood fills the heavens with whispered middle-of-the-night prayers of thanksgiving, for wisdom, for healing and of joy. Motherhood is also being a chef, a confidante, a valet, a punching bag, a physician, a teacher, and entertainer. Motherhood is being good cop and bad cop. Motherhood is a learning experience. It is knowing when to hold a hand, hold them close or let them go. From no one else will a mother learn more about patience than from her child. It is a job in which one pays very close attention to one's mistakes - and one's triumphs. It is knowing when to scold and when sometimes good humor is the best reaction. Motherhood is fleeting, yet it is lifelong. Motherhood is relishing ten little fingers and toes and then, later, them finding the one and counting their own child's tens. It is silently praying that your child will make the right choice, the godly choice, then trusting that you've raised them well enough to do it. Motherhood is as individual as it is a club, and it brings a sense of camaraderie that only moms can understand. Motherhood makes one stronger, yet also shows just how weak and powerless we can be, how dependent we must be on a Dependable God. Motherhood is a privilege, one that I am so thankful for.

When I started this blog, it was a secret one...I journaled about the fears & worries of my first trimester with Zooey before we made the pregnancy public. I had no idea it would be such an outlet or that I'd be journaling about my mom battling cancer & dying. I've always been a journaler, and although it's sometimes tough to write about things publicly, I'm glad I have, because I wouldn't have received so much of the encouragement that I've gotten had I continued to keep it a secret. Thank you for that.

Seven years ago I did counseling to deal with grief in another season of my life. I feel I have a lot of "head knowledge" about the grieving process and all the steps; however, nothing quite prepares you for actually feeling it. It's fine in theory to try to compartmentalize your grief and to cry for 15 minutes a few set times a day, but what about when you need to cry because it hits you when you're out to dinner with the whole family that there's an emptiness of someone not being there? Or when I give my baby a bath and remember the last time my mom was able to do that? Or when I want to ask my mom to pray for Zooey for something then remember she's not there? I'm not saying the information isn't helpful, it is, but just like I thought the diagnosis would somehow help prepare me for the loss, it didn't prepare me for anything. One cannot be prepared for the loss of someone so close. I certainly wasn't prepared that Zooey would notice as much as she has.

I so wish I could shield Zooey from all this! From the stress and sadness she must feel around her. Tonight I stopped by my mom's house (I can't stop calling it that...) to pick up some food. Zooey recognized where we were, pointed toward my mom's window and started whining for her grandma. I know she's more aware of this loss than any of us probably realize, and it just breaks my heart. I wish I could somehow wrap her in a giant bubble of joy and let her out when this season is over, but unfortunately, we can't do that. And you know what I am realizing? God loves us so much more than we love our children - so much that He sent His Son to die for us - and yet He doesn't shield us from disappointment and immense pain. He tells us He's here for us, wraps us in His arms, holds us close, comforts us with His Word and lets us cry; He feels our pain. I will, therefore, follow His example and hold my little girl up and let her cry and cry with her. I will keep my mom's memory alive and tell Zooey how much my mom loved her. I will show her tons of pictures and pass along lessons my mom taught me, especially the ones about Jesus. I will seek God's help as my Father to teach me how to be an excellent mother to Zooey through this, and because it's His desire, I know He will be faithful to answer my prayer.

Another Developmental Leap

Does your mind ever get "stuck" in time? Let me explain. Time moves SOOO fast, especially with a baby, and for the last month I've been thinking Zooey was in her 21st week. I know she's actually in her 25th week, but it's like my brain got stuck not wanting to believe she's almost 6 months - 6 months - old! Anyway, a couple of things triggered my brain to actually look at my calendar and see how many weeks she is: she's been waking up at night, around 10:00-11:00, crying, she's been staring into space all the time pondering the universe, she cries when I walk away from her, she hasn't been very hungry with solids or nursing. Well, DUH!, she's smack-dab in the middle of a developmental leap. The 26 week leap is the leap of relationships. The book says that everything babies know about their world will change during this leap (which lasts anywhere from 1-5 weeks, the average being 4, and peaks at week 26 then ends). They learn mommy or daddy can walk away, and as far as baby knows, they've gone to China. They learn that everything has a relationship with something else: things can be inside, on top of, outside, beneath other things. They learn that there is always distance between them and mommy, which can be very frightening. After the leap, they will start showing the new skills they've been learning: physical, emotional, stacking, playing, etc. This leap is a little different in that most babies have another mini-fussy period around week 29 as separation anxiety peaks. After the leap, like always, there will be a "sunny" period between weeks 30-35 when baby will be extra happy and show the progress of learning all the new skills they've picked up. Until the next leap somewhere around week 37.

Knowing about these developmental leaps makes the fussy times with Zooey easier for me. Since I am following a schedule with her and am pretty type A, it could be easy for me to go into a frenzy when the schedule isn't working the way I want it too; however, knowing about the leaps makes me more relaxed. I know she's learning something new, and in this case it can be frightening, so I want to be there for her. I know that as long as I stay as consistent as I can that leaps only last a certain amount of time and soon we'll be able to get back on track. Plus, it is really fun to watch for her new skills and applaud them when they finally show up.

I also know there is another pretty big growth spurt around 6 months, so rather than worrying about my milk supply or if something is wrong, I know I can nurse her at night, put her back down and the growth spurt will end soon enough, as well.

I will admit, when I have to get up at 5am for BSF on Saturday morning, it makes for a rough night when Zooey wakes up twice and I'm up for an hour each time (I don't know how you working mommas do it - props to you!). However, as a dear friend wrote on her blog, and I'm paraphrasing, God uses these sweet, quiet moments to bond me to my little girl, and when I take on that perspective rather than one of irritation about being up in the middle of the night, I am able to cherish the moment, cuddle up to her, talk to God and go back to bed feeling relaxed.

Zooey is 4 months old today!

Our beautiful girl is growing so fast! She is four months old today. As she grows and learns more and more I think about all the things I want her to learn. First and foremost I want her to know Jesus. I want her to do more than just know Him - I want her to have a deep and consuming passion for Him. I pray this for her every night. I want her to know that even when she makes mistakes that she is so loved by me and Ryan and that she can always come to us. I want her to know that her looks do not define her, that she is strong and intelligent. I want her to know if she really puts her mind to something, she can most likely accomplish it...but that she should always seek God's will in the process. There is so much more! I want her to fight for what she believes in, to find true love, to not be satisfied with apathy, to not make the same mistakes I did. I know that is why we are here, to teach her these things. I pray we will be successful with God's enabling.

Being a mother is the job which has hands-down brought me the most joy; it is also the hardest job I've ever had. I think I have things figured out, then something happens that throws me for a loop. Naps go well, then they go bad and I think, "What am I doing? What should I be doing?" Any mom who's had nap problems with an infant knows it can almost seem like a battle of wills, even if Baby's not doing it on purpose. We are concerned with our little one's sleep needs, knowing how much it helps their little brains grow. Zooey doesn't eat well and I question my milk supply and hope she's getting enough to eat. Many times, my sweet husband and my mom will help me overcome my "first time mommy worries" in a very patient calm manner. I realize that this is the beginning of many worries, many prayers that I'm doing the right things and the realization that I would give anything for her to have what she needs. Although I often wish that Zooey came with an instruction manual, I am very thankful that God started me off with small problems. :) And of course, I am thankful for the Manual, the Bible, to guide me through the really tough stuff. In addition to questioning yourself as a parent, there are always people who are going to say something at some point that may make you question the job you're doing even further. It's hard to brush it off sometimes, but I'm learning more and more that this is where I just have to let things go and trust myself and Ryan with the way we've decided to do things. And more and more I know that I will try everything in my power to never say those "I can't believe she ____" about any other mother unless what they're doing is seriously detrimental.

Being a mother has made me so thankful for my mother. It really brings tears to my eyes sometimes when I think about it. A mother is sacrificial in so many ways, the love is so unfathomable before you have children. I get that now. It brings a new level of respect and love to my heart for my mom.

Zooey is doing well, albeit a few bumps in the road this last week - which is pretty normal for four months, from what I've read. :) She's learning all kinds of new skills! She now passes things from one hand back to the other, noms on everything she can get in her mouth, laughs out loud (which is THE BEST!), rolls over more - and not just when she's angry about being on her tummy, sits better assisted, has added some consonants (b, d) to her ever-expanding baby babble, follows people across the room and she can now "find" certain things, like her links, when we ask her where they are. I'm sure I'm missing some things that she's learning, but these are the ones that have really stood out to me this past month. I am excited for her and just watching her do all these new things and can't wait to see what the future holds. We are going on our first airplane trip to see Jenni next week. It's just me and Zooey! I'm sure it will be a blast. :)

Holy Developmental Leap, Batman!

I love to read others' parenting stories and adventures on the interwebs, and I also enjoy following certain blogs. I have found much good advice, funny anecdotes and relatable stories. About a month ago I purchased a book which I had read several mommies rave about, and of course, I love to read and gain as much good wisdome as I can. It's called "The Wonder Weeks: Eight predictable, age-linked leaps in your babies development characterized by the three C's (Crying, Cranky, Clingy), a change...and the new development of skills." I bought the book after Zooey had already gone through two leaps, the first "wonder weeks," at ages 5 and 8 weeks, and I wish I had purchased it sooner. Looking back at those ages, she was super fussy, and there were times nothing seemed to comfort her. I ended up carrying her around or wearing her in the Moby to get her to calm or nap many days. I just chalked it up to gas or to a growth spurt or the witching hour. I'm glad I have it for this leap, labeled in the book as the longest leap, sometimes lasting up to 6 weeks! I don't think her leap will last that long, but it's starting, and thanks to this book I have understanding of why she's being more fussy and what's going on in that little brain of hers. For most babies, this leap starts around 14-16 weeks and lasts through their 19th week. Zooey turned 16 weeks old on Monday. Starting Sunday night, she's been fussy and crying when I put her down for bedtime - she never does this (well, at home anyway). She's also been less interested in eating the last few days, instead prefering to stop and smile or look around. When I put her down for her independent playtime, she squaks madly or whines until I come pick her up. She stops and just stares into space or looks at something; she isn't smiling or laughing as much, it's as if she's just simply taking everything in and pondering over it. This would also probably explain the obsession with her hands. I think one of the new skills she's trying to master is bringing objects to her mouth (including getting her finger/thumb). She's started to do really well during tummy time, pushing herself up and holding herself up, looking around for quite awhile. She'll go from being smiley to crying and back again. All these things, the book explains, are signs of a major developmental leap. Zooey is learning new skills: physical, vocal, cognitive. By the end of this "leap" she will notice transitions in her day more, her movements will be more fluid, her babbling more organized. It's really pretty amazing all the changes that will take place. I am finding that the knowledge of these leaps is making it easier for me to "deal" (for lack of a better word) with her fussiness and cliginess. I understand this time what's going on that is making her fuss like this, and thanks to the suggestions in the book, I have a better idea of how to comfort her and also encourage her newfound skills and knowlege to blossom. I'm less uptight about her crying and am more empathetic. I am really trying to put myself in her shoes. I imagine what her brain is going through is similar to studying new information all day in class and getting brain overload. This makes people crabby! Or if I had to learn a new skill, like when I rode my bike in clipless pedals and kept falling over - it was tough and very frustrating. But once the learning ends, we have the knowledge and have good control over the skill, we are much happier people. The next few weeks will probably be rough, but then Zooey will be more confident and be her bright, sunshine-y self once again.

Dropping the Dreamfeed....

I suspect that we will soon be dropping the "dreamfeed," or the late evening feeding. We used to do this at 11:00, then at 10:30, then at 10:00...about 2 weeks ago I moved it to 9:45. She's been sleeping from this feed until at least 6:30 (usually 7:00) for about 3 weeks now. Before Ryan started at TSA and had to get up before the crack of dawn, he did the dreamfeed. I've been doing it since then. I used to hate the dreamfeed, because I used to pump afterwards. Once I was doing it every night, I stopped pumping pretty quickly! Too much of a pain. :) Anyways, we got into a couple of arguments about the dreamfeed, actually. I liked being able to go to sleep when Ryan went in for it; it gave me an extra half hour or so (I know - big deal, right?). I was dreading doing this last feed, because it meant I had to stay up for it and yada yada yada. Tonight I moved it back to 9:35, and I was surprised to feel a little bit of emotion welling up inside. I have come to love the dreamfeed. It's one of my favorite times of day with my sweet little Zooey. She's all snuggly and warm, and she's pretty much asleep and just so very adorable when she's eating. When she's done, I cuddle her to myself for a bit before putting her back in her crib, and she makes those little baby sighs and squeals against my ear, breathing contentedly against me. I will miss these moments. Soon Zooey will not be nursing quickly enough - she'll want to look around and move around. Soon she will be crawling and walking, exploring everything she can in her little world, and our snuggles will become fewer. Moms I know told me, "Cherish this! It goes so fast! You won't believe how fast it goes!" I thought I knew how quickly time goes. I had no concept of this until I had Zooey. She's 15 weeks old tomorrow! So crazy how fast time goes. And although I so look forward to each and every milestone she's going to face, all the exciting "firsts" she will experience and teaching her things and doing so much with her, as each phase passes, I'm struck with how she's moving forward, and sometimes I wish I could slow time down a bit or freeze it for a bit. So once again, I looked down at my precious little girl, and I pray that the Lord will help me to cherish each moment with her. And that He'll help me through the transitions as tough as some may be (even when it's just a "little tough") in a way that will glorify Him and grow Zooey into a healthy, Godly woman.

Zooey is 3 months old!

My sweet girl is three months old! My, how fast time flies! I was thinking about work, and how there were times when I felt a quarter of the year would just draaaaggg on. Zooey's first quarter of life has flown by!

I can really see why people say that babies get a lot more fun at three months old. I've always thought Zooey was a ton of fun, of course, but her personality is really starting to shine. One of my favorite times of day is when Zooey first wakes up. I can hear her in there cooing and laughing at herself, and it just brings a smile to my face. When I go in to get her, she lights up and starts pumping those little arms and legs and usually gives me a happy smile. It just makes my heart burst in joy! She then eats, and this is probably my favorite feed of the day - even though I'm bleary-eyed and haven't had my coffee - because it's just us. The house is quiet, and she cuddles up against me and it's just so nice to have that time together. Then we usually have some chit-chat time, where we might play with a rattle or something but keep things pretty mellow. I've actually begun to read my "Baby's First Year" book/journal to her; it tells me about her development, and I also read my "Jesus is Calling" devotional to her. I know she doesn't understand what I'm saying, but I've read their little brains are storing up words and tones for later on. She gets so excited when I read to her! She kicks her legs, breaks out in smile and coos words back at me. I just love this time of day with her.

Zooey's newest skills are grasping a rattle and holding it with both hands and bringing it to her mouth, batting at objects, smiling at toys/familiar objects and following people with her eyes around the room. She also can sit upright with assistance now, and this enables her to sit in the Moby with her head out, which she loves especially when we go somewhere like the grocery store. Ryan and I talk to her about what we're getting and what we see and smell, and she becomes very alert and conversational. My mom thinks we're going to have another talker in the family like me and Zooey's Aunt Sarah. :)

Nursing continues to be going well, which I am so happy about. It's funny, in the early days I was so torn about continuing to try and even contemplated exclusive pumping to feed her. I almost gave up, but this is something I'm so glad I was stubborn about. At first, to be honest, I was all about nursing for the nutritional benefits and part of me was just trying to do it to do it, you know? It was just something I'd put my mind to - not only because it was good for Zooey but also because it's just what I had decided to do. The bonding part of nursing never occured to me. My mom was really the one who encouraged me to stick with it, saying that that's why she had wanted to nurse Sarah when she was a baby and she was kind of sad she wasn't able to. Now, the bonding is what I enjoy most, and I am also so glad Zooey's getting all those nutrients. It is just such sweet time, and I really treasure cuddling with her.

Being a mom continues to be all I wanted and more, and the more Zooey becomes her own little person, the more I fall even more in love with her. People always say that your heart grows to let more love inside when you have a baby - boy, did it ever! And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Not just for Zooey, but for Ryan, too. As I watch him with Zooey and see what a tender, loving father he is, I fall even more in love with him, too.

I read something funny and so true this week. It was a quote, and it said, "I was the best mother until I became a mother." I am learning what this means more and more. Before I had Zooey, I'd look at people and think I would or would not do certain things. I'd look at people and question their decisions, being somewhat closed-minded to the fact that there are different parenting styles that work for different people. I think most of that has gone out the window. I realize that parents and children have different personalities, and you have to figure out what works with that.

I want so much for Zooey to have all the very best, to not make the mistakes I made and to follow God better than I did at times in my life. I know I have to trust God with these things, but I am in prayer constanly about raising her the way HE wants me to. It's easy to hear, read or see things and question what I'm doing at times, but the time in prayer really helps me to guage whether HE approves, and that's all that matters. He's constantly refining me and pointing out things I need to change as an example to my sweet daughter. And I pray He will help me to do this.

4am Feedings

This morning at 4am as I was nursing and snuggling Zooey I got to thinking about how when I was little I loved to snuggle with my mom. I obviously don't remember being a baby, but I do remember being small and wishing to be around my mom a lot - and I loved her hugs. Now we hug when we need encouragement or at a holiday or birthday, but it's just not the same. We don't hug just to be close; I guess that these physical needs for closeness are now met by spouses. I haven't thought about that in a long time, and as I look back over my life, the time being small is such a blur. I have some sharp memories from being a child, but most of the memories are like every other memory, buried because it wasn't hugely significant. My friends tell me how much nursing your baby changes over the year. Babies go from being so small and needing so much help and focusing on the task, mom & baby relishing the bonding & closeness, to being distracted and knowing just what to do. The authors of books and articles all say that looking back on these early weeks and 3am feedings makes them wish they cherished that time, because it goes so fast. I am trying to cherish it. I know that 18 years from now when Zooey's off to college and I'm feeling nostaligic, I'll look back on these bleary-eyed encounters that were so sweet, just the two of us. And even now, I cherish it, because I know the food and the comfort are growing her into who she will be. Little by little, slowly yet very quickly, the snuggles Zooey & I share will grow farther apart. God is so good to give us little Zooey, and I am so thankful He's entrusted us to her. Being a mom is the sweetest, most amazing job He has ever dealt me. I pray that He will help me to cherish and savor each moment, not taking one for granted. I pray that He will help me to tell Zooey all about Him and show her all about Him through my actions. I pray that He will help me & Ryan to raise her in such a way that we will fully trust letting her go into the world someday. Although a part of me can't wait for Zooey to sleep through the night, I've come to realize that I can wait and even enjoy it with the right perspective. It will come soon enough.

Projectile Bodily Fluids

OK. I was naive before I had a baby. I thought, "Certainly my baby won't have projectile vomiting, poop or pee while we're trying to change her. She will never make a mess in her crib or of my clothes or anything else." I woke this morning to a fussy baby (those darn antibiotics I'm on upset her tummy, I think), and I could tell she needed to be changed. As a side note - it is so weird that I recognize her different cries. Yet another thing I didn't understand until I became a mom. Anyway, I'm changing her, and all of the sudden poop shoots out all over the wall. Fun times...second time this has happened, by the way. So, I finish cleaning her up, set her in her crib and proceed to pull the crib out from the wall and wipe it down with Clorox wipes for 10 minutes. After I feed her, she spits up in her crib getting it all over the sheets. Did I mention that last week she had an explosive diaper situation that ended up on my arm and my couch? Sigh. The weird thing is, just like people told me, I don't really mind it all that much. It's just part of the job, and cleaning up Zooey and everything else is just something that has to be done. For those who know me, hopefully this means I'll handle the projectile vomiting with as much ease, because just the idea of that still really freaks me out.

After I fed Zooey, I was changing her - again (that's all they do: eat, poop & sleep) - and I was talking to her, getting her ready for the day, and she flashed me a huge grin. It's like God gave babies these adorable grins to make all the poop-cleaning worth it. :)

Things "I never"

I never knew I'd be able to function on so little sleep.

I never knew I'd have such an ache to be able to nurse my baby.

I never knew I'd be able to differentiate cries and noises with accuracy.

I never knew I'd have such a tough job come so naturally.

I never knew that one little face could cause so much joy...or pull so much sympathy out of me.

Same goes for one little noise.

I never knew you could get so lost in someone's eyes.

I never knew that holding your child can bring you comfort and peace, too.

I never understood just how fast time can go.

I never comprehended my parents love for me until now.

I never knew I could love another person so ferociously and so innocently - so unselfishly.

I have never had such a high level of respect and love for my husband as I do now. He's such a great dad.

I thought I "got" the importance of a tight-knit family revolving around the Lord - not until now.

I have never had such a deep understanding of the Cross until now - how God looked down on HIS ONLY SON, God Himself, dying down here. For us. Unselfishly. I have never so readily said "I would die for someone" than I have with my sweet daughter. Through relationship with her, God has given me a deeper a view of grace, a view that makes my heart leap with gratitude in my chest and ache in better understanding of just what that sacrifice cost Him.

There is so much more that I know now about life from having a baby, and it's only been 2 and a half precious weeks!

Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with this gift and for all You've already shown us. Ready us for the road that lies ahead.