Ahhh...bargaining...

...always the stage of grief that doesn't usually stick around long for me. I was sitting there doing my BSF lesson last night, thinking of how much the notes applied to my life and my mom's life right now during this season of suffering, when all of the sudden I was struck with the pangs of grief. Depression hit me. I don't want my mom to die. That thought is SO scary to me. What would I do without her in my life? It would be so hard to go through life without her. When you think about it, if you have good parents who are a sweet blessing to you like I do, they've always been with you. I mean, literally, they are the people who have always been in your life. As soon as that thought entered my head, I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't believe my mom is going to die from cancer. But of course, whenever you try to stop a thought it lingers even more than before, so a part of me voiced to God, "God, if you let her live, I will be a witness to your name for healing her." That's where I stopped, asked for forgiveness and submitted to God's will once again. I can't do anything if that's God's will, and God certainly doesn't need me to glorify Him. But there it is. Bargaining.

Fish Fillets With Baby Spinach & Balsalmic Vinagerette

Page 283 in the BHG New Cookbook. I was hesitant to make this dish, because Ryan isn't really a vegetable guy. But, even he loved it! It was super fast at 30 minutes from start to finish, really fresh and "spring" tasting and, best of all, it is heart healthy and low fat. I served it with asparagus and baked sweet potato. I would highly recommend this dish if you're looking for something fast, fresh and extremely delicious. The spinach wilted just enough that it still had that fresh, crisp taste to compliment the hot fish and crisp-tender onions and sweet bell pepper. Some might think the asparagus to be too many greens, but I'm a veggie gal myself. It would also have been great with pears on the side.

By the way, I should note that I am not "5-star-ing" myself for my awesome cooking skills when I give a rating to the recipes. :) Ryan and I got this cookbook when we were first married and decided we would try recipes then mark it with a 1-5 rating based on whether or not we liked it or would make it again.

Another Developmental Leap

Does your mind ever get "stuck" in time? Let me explain. Time moves SOOO fast, especially with a baby, and for the last month I've been thinking Zooey was in her 21st week. I know she's actually in her 25th week, but it's like my brain got stuck not wanting to believe she's almost 6 months - 6 months - old! Anyway, a couple of things triggered my brain to actually look at my calendar and see how many weeks she is: she's been waking up at night, around 10:00-11:00, crying, she's been staring into space all the time pondering the universe, she cries when I walk away from her, she hasn't been very hungry with solids or nursing. Well, DUH!, she's smack-dab in the middle of a developmental leap. The 26 week leap is the leap of relationships. The book says that everything babies know about their world will change during this leap (which lasts anywhere from 1-5 weeks, the average being 4, and peaks at week 26 then ends). They learn mommy or daddy can walk away, and as far as baby knows, they've gone to China. They learn that everything has a relationship with something else: things can be inside, on top of, outside, beneath other things. They learn that there is always distance between them and mommy, which can be very frightening. After the leap, they will start showing the new skills they've been learning: physical, emotional, stacking, playing, etc. This leap is a little different in that most babies have another mini-fussy period around week 29 as separation anxiety peaks. After the leap, like always, there will be a "sunny" period between weeks 30-35 when baby will be extra happy and show the progress of learning all the new skills they've picked up. Until the next leap somewhere around week 37.

Knowing about these developmental leaps makes the fussy times with Zooey easier for me. Since I am following a schedule with her and am pretty type A, it could be easy for me to go into a frenzy when the schedule isn't working the way I want it too; however, knowing about the leaps makes me more relaxed. I know she's learning something new, and in this case it can be frightening, so I want to be there for her. I know that as long as I stay as consistent as I can that leaps only last a certain amount of time and soon we'll be able to get back on track. Plus, it is really fun to watch for her new skills and applaud them when they finally show up.

I also know there is another pretty big growth spurt around 6 months, so rather than worrying about my milk supply or if something is wrong, I know I can nurse her at night, put her back down and the growth spurt will end soon enough, as well.

I will admit, when I have to get up at 5am for BSF on Saturday morning, it makes for a rough night when Zooey wakes up twice and I'm up for an hour each time (I don't know how you working mommas do it - props to you!). However, as a dear friend wrote on her blog, and I'm paraphrasing, God uses these sweet, quiet moments to bond me to my little girl, and when I take on that perspective rather than one of irritation about being up in the middle of the night, I am able to cherish the moment, cuddle up to her, talk to God and go back to bed feeling relaxed.

86 days and some minor hyperventilation on my part

Here's my text from Jenni the other day: "88 days until our tri - make sure you workout today :)". Yikes. That is the point I realized that while I can ride the bike trainer for an hour + or do Power 90 or my psycho-aerobics routine for 45 minutes, I cannot run more than 1/2 a mile. Ummm...the run portion of the race is a 5k...after swimming .25 mile and biking 17, so yeah. If I don't get my butt into gear, I'm a lost cause. <> All I can think of is the last time I did the 5430 tri, my first one, I was exhausted by the time the run came, and it was a zillion degrees outside and I walked most of it. I'd like to do a little better this time. I'm going to try one of two things: starting off at a mile today and slowly increasing my mileage, or, if I feel like my ankles/lungs/legs are going to fall off doing that, I'm going to try this couch to 5k in 9 weeks program which will integrate some walking time. http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml I'm not gonna' lie: my problem is pacing myself. I go all gung-ho then wind up out of breath. Running with Zooey in the stroller actually helps that, I think, because I don't wear my iPod and can really focus on my breathing and pace. My plan is to go out with her a few times a week. And pray for motivation.

Inspired by "Julie & Julia"

I saw the movie Julie & Julia when I was up visiting Jenni, and I feel somewhat inspired. I'm not going to set a deadline and be all "I'm going to cook every recipe in this book - one a day" or anything like that; however, I have realized that my dinner routines have become rather blah lately, and I want to change it up. I am a big fan of the Better Homes & Gardens New Cookbook. The recipes almost always taste good (I say almost, because there are things I don't like or Ryan doesn't like - the recipes containing those things are obviously not a hit), the directions are pretty clear-cut and they're pretty easy. The other morning I decided to try making new recipes once or twice a week. At first I almost went back on my decision, because some of the recipes looked kinda' tricky. But I persevered and started with some easy ones.

First, I made "Ham Balls in Barbecue Sauce" on page 353. I bought a smoked ham from the meat department and ground it in my food processor (which on a side note has become my favorite appliance for cooking!). I made my own bread crumbs. True to the book, the prep only took me 20 minutes and really wasn't that hard - even with making the sauce, bread crumbs and grinding the ham. Because of the high altitude and a faulty meat thermometer, the recipe did take longer than 35 minutes; it was closer to 55 minutes, but I think if we had a good thermometer, it would've been more like 45. These meatballs were delicious! Everyone loved them. We will definitely be making these again. The meatballs are about 1/3 cup mixture each, and I think if I made them smaller and made a bit more sauce that this would also be a great potluck recipe. Overall, a 5.

Second, I made "Artichoke-Turkey Casserole" on page 434. The recipe was also pretty easy, and the preptime was accurate at 20 minutes. I substituted canned artichoke for frozen, because I couldn't find it. I steamed a turkey breast for the meat. I forgot the bacon, which may've made this recipe better. The recipe called for 1/2 tsp. thyme; Ryan and I both felt the thyme was overpowering. I will probably try this recipe again and only use 1/8-1/4 tsp. thyme and definitely use the bacon. Overall, a 2.

A quick update...

My mom is home and doing well; she's actually been home since Saturday. It's so nice to see her home! It was very hard to see her in a lot of pain in the hospital, but she is so strong...she amazes me. I don't know if I could deal with all that if I was in her shoes. We meet with the oncologist again on March 31st to get the final staging and figure out when chemo/radiation will begin. I am once again thankful that God has given me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, because it will enable me to care for her and go with her to appointments and stuff. His timing is so perfect. I am also thankful that Ryan gets home by 11:00 or 12:00 most days, so I can leave Zooey with him when I need to. These are all good things.

My anxiety has been really awful lately. Without getting too much into it, I will say that one thing I'm really trying to do is workout more to help. When I was working out 5-6 days a week, I felt pretty good, even when stuff was going on. Now I just have added motivation to get my butt in gear! Thankfully, Jenni is my faithful workout accountability partner...and also reminds me that we have a triathlon in 12 weeks that I just might collapse and drown if I don't do something soon to train. So, I got on the trainer yesterday and went on a walk/jog with Zooey today. It felt really good, and I'm hoping by starting off slowly that I can keep my motivation up.

Update on Mom

Just copying the e-mail I sent out to the e-mail group to update those who read the blog. I will send out more info. when I have some more time, but juggling hospital/baby/hospital time is taking up most of it. Thanks for your prayers! :) Sorry it's late, but this is from yesterday morning.

Thank you once again for your faithful prayers. They continue to be a blessing to us. As you know, my mom had the surgery yesterday to remove the tumor in her lung. To summarize, this surgery entailed removal of half her left lung. The surgeon, Dr. L., came out afterward and explained to us that he was able to remove all the tumor – praise God! In biopsying the lymph nodes that were in the lung lobe’s path (these are a different set of lymph nodes that the ones that were biopsied a few weeks ago), he found one of the lymph nodes was positive for cancer. He took out about some other samples which they freeze for four days then biopsy (apparently something can show up in that time period which does not always show up immediately). There was also another mass in her lung. He could not tell whether or not this was a satellite tumor or something else, because my mom’s lymph nodes were “rock hard,” which he assumes is due to the sarcoidosis. These lymph nodes are attached to the pulmonary artery. Because of these two things, he was not able to take out the rest of the lung; it was just too risky. He even called the oncologist, Dr. Bauman, but both doctors agreed that not messing with it was the best course of action for now. My mom will now have to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Until we meet with the oncologist, we are assuming this puts the final staging at stage 2, as Dr. B. explained to us last week. Both doctors said how strong my mom is and they agree that she will tackle the chemo well and that the chemo and radiation will wipe out the cancer.

My mom was pretty groggy last night when we got to see her, but she is in recovery. She is doing well with her “breathing exercises,” and even when I was there, she continued to improve on them. She will be in the hospital for 3-4 days; Dr. L. said it will most likely be 4 days. She is in some pain and is a little disheartened with the news that there is more cancer, as we all are; however, we know that God is in control and that He “works all things together for the good of those who love Him,” even this. He is a big God, and He is the Great Physician – we know that since we are seeking Him, He is ultimately the one in charge of her treatment and her prognosis. He is so good to answer our prayers for successful removal of the tumor, keeping my mom well prior to and safe during the surgery and for giving our family peace. We would appreciate your continued prayers for the following:

Protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family.
Quick healing and recovery for my mom from the surgery and minimal pain.
Quick progression of treatment when she is healed, wisdom for the doctors, effective chemo and radiation which removes all traces of cancer & that the cancer would not spread.

Thank you for your prayers.

May God bless you and keep you; may His face shine upon you.

Jesus IS Alive!

The Lord really gave me the words for this e-mail I sent out to family and friends regarding my mom's cancer update, so I'm just going to post it here. It best describes what has happened this week. The oncologist visit was on Wednesday the 3rd.

'My mom met with her oncologist today, and my dad, Sarah & I once again went with her. I am so happy to say that the brain MRI was negative for cancer (but, of course – positive for a brain :) ). This puts my mom’s cancer at stage 1. From the beginning of this journey, my whole family has seen God’s hand at work. I know some of you might be saying to yourself, “How can you say you see God’s hand at work in something as awful as your mom having cancer?” First of all, because we totally trust my mom’s life to the Lord. Every breath she has is a gift from Him, and He will cause the breath that is to be her last to escape from her – there is nothing any of us can do about that. Second, there are many small details that have shown us His sovereignty through all of this. I told you before that she wouldn’t have even gone to the doctor herself for this cough; the only reason she went to the doctor was to get established and just happened to mention this cough she has. I myself go to the same doctor and saw her about 2 weeks ago; she said she was sorry to hear about my mom. She said her gut was telling her not to do a chest X-ray, but “something” (I will add that we know it was Someone) told her to do it anyway. I will not bore you with repeating the tests that then took place; however, I will say that every single doctor involved in this process has commented – multiple times – at how fast this process has taken place for her. Apparently, the speed at which her appointments and treatment options have been presented to her is quite unusual. That, my friends, has been a huge answer to prayer. The thoracic surgeon told my mom that he would be praying throughout the lymph node biopsy that there would be no cancer. How sweet is that?! Today, at the oncology appointment, God literally took my breath away. Dr. B. walked into the room saying, “Congratulations.” My mom has a condition called sarcoidosis in her lymph nodes. It’s a type of autoimmune disease that can lay dormant for many years. This condition can, apparently, flare up sometimes when someone gets cancer. Sarcoidosis is most likely what was causing my mom’s cough – not the tumor. And, if she hadn’t been coughing, she wouldn’t have mentioned any health problems to the doctor, and the cancer would not have been detected as soon as it was. Dr. Buaman then said that the last time she met with my mom that she was very confident (unfortunately confident) that my mom had cancer in her lymph nodes and that it was stage 3 cancer. She said that although she’s been “fooled before,” it’s only happened one other time before. She said this is something that is “talked about a lot” in cancer education, but that it happens less than 1% of the time. God is so good. All the time, He is good. Please do not misunderstand me; if the results had been different, if she had stage 3 cancer, I fully believe that God has still been revealing Himself to us throughout this process. He is teaching us that He is the Great Physician; He is in control; He can do the impossible; He gives us strength. Just today, my mom said she picked out a necklace awhile ago and never knew how much she would cling to the verse inscribed on it: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” This is what God is teaching us – that in the midst of trial, suffering, tribulation, fear and uncertainty, HE IS HERE.

My mom goes in for her surgery to have 1/3 of the left lower lobe of her lung removed on Monday. The doctor is also going to remove the lymph nodes in the pathway of the lobe. Once the surgery is complete, Dr. B. (the oncologist) will look at the tumor and the nodes under a microscope to first determine if there is any microscopic cancer in the nodes and, depending on those results, give the cancer a final staging. If there was microscopic cancer in these lymph nodes, the final staging would be stage 2, and at that point she would need some chemotherapy. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayer for the following:

- Wisdom, steady hands for the doctor performing the surgery on Monday; peace for my mom, quick recovery and minimal pain.
- The surgery to remove all traces of cancer and God would continue to prevent it from spreading.
- Final staging of stage 1.
- Continued protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family."

Zooey is 5 months old today!

And I continue to fall more in love with her. This month I really saw Zooey's personality come out more, and she is such a happy little girl. She talks and laughs almost all the time. She really only cries if she's very hungry, very tired or in some sort of pain. The rest of the time, she is very mellow and very happy. She is such a joy! In a month where we experienced a lot of unsurity and sadness with my mom, she was a constant little ray of sunshine.

This was a big month for Zooey! She found her thumb (finally), although, she doesn't seem to be much of a sucker. She spits out binkies, she sucks on her thumb for a bit then stops. We'll just have to see what she does in the future. She got her first three teeth, and it looks like another one is on it's way through any day now. She likes to play with her teeth - either by running her tongue over them or putting her fingers in her mouth. It's been a rough couple weeks with teething, and I have been bitten a few times, although not too bad (let's hope it stays that way or stops altogether). Zooey was pretty miserable for a few days, but she always perks right up once those painful moments are gone.

We started Zooey on solids at the beginning of her 5th month, as recommended by her pediatrician. She's a big girl, you know! Born at 8.2 and now weighing 14.4! She started with cereal once a day, then we worked it up to 2, then we started oatmeal and fed her solids 3x per day, and finally introduced some veggies. I have really been enjoying making her baby food. It's a lot of fun, and I love knowing that I am preparing something for her to eat. It's an act of love, and I really like doing it. So far, she's had squash, green beans, sweet potatoes and pears. The pears are new this week, and she's not crazy about them at all. Maybe she'll be like her aunt and prefer veggies over fruits - nothing wrong with that. :) I'm sure we will just need to give it a little longer.

Two nights ago, she slept her first 12 hour stretch. Wow! Dropping the dreamfeed wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but that's probably because I got all of my mopiness out of my system before we did it, and God was good to answer my prayer that it would be a smooth transition for us. It improved her nighttime sleep and her naps; she has dropped her 4th nap of the day in the last 2 weeks.

She's so cute! Now she sits in her highchair and watches me fix dinner, then we sit down to the table as a family (I'm sad to say this is a first, at least consistently, for us) before she eats and has bath and bedtime. We talk and chat, and she hams it up for Daddy every night - I foresee a Daddy's girl for sure! She's also discovered that she can bang her toys on the highchair and drop them on the floor to make quite the exciting noise. :)

Zooey has also started to have independent play in her playpen. Most of the time, she really likes it, and it gives us some time to do a couple of things when she's awake. She likes to look at the fan or grab her toys and squeal/laugh/talk to herself. It's nice to know she enjoys her time to herself; I'm hoping this will transition into a good quiet time period for her when she's a toddler.

Nursing continues to be going well (except for the biting), and I am so thankful that God has allowed me to nurse her for this long; I pray that I'll be able to do so until she's a year old. Zooey's little hands have started to wander when she's eating. She grabs my shirt, my necklace and just moves that little hand all over the place trying to explore. I'm sure she'd grab my hair if it was long enough! I don't know why, but I just find this cute. I'm going to make a special necklace for her to hold onto while she's nursing.

I'm sure there is so much more that she's learned and done in the last month that I'm completely forgetting, but these are the things that stand out to me. It's neat to see her learning skills and taking everything in. It must be pretty cool to see so many fun, new things every day. Zooey is my precious little blessing, and I am so thankful for her. Parents always say you'll never understand the love, protection and joy you feel in your children until you have one. I am truly getting that more and more every day.