TTC, Well, Not Really

I think I might be pregnant. OK, OK, I know people would think I'm crazy if I actually said that out loud to anyone, but I just...have a feeling. And my boobs hurt really bad and I have some weird happenings in my uterus. Why the crazy part? I'm only 3 days past ovulation (at least by my best calculations). Another funny thing? I'll find out on Ryan's birthday, most likely, which was when Zooey was conceived. Ha. Hahaha. Well, I guess we'll know in a couple weeks.

This time is different. I don't feel any super rush to conceive. We're not "trying" just off any form of protection against it. I'm actually freaking out a bit about the idea for several reasons: I'm on medication I need to get off, I don't want to give up my coffee, I'm worried about scarring Zooey for life with a sibling who needs attention too (I know, really rational, right?). We're basically leaving it totally in God's hands and we'll see what He does.

Waiting in Goodness

  Tonight I am pondering how good God is. Our lesson at BSF this week was about Abram and the covenant God made with him. Abram said, "what can you give me since I have no children?" It's ok to openly pour out our hearts to God. He can take it. He is strong. We can be frustrated and sad and tell Him all about it. What's cool - really cool - is that He then will give us an answer when we earnestly seek Him. Does He have to? Nope. His Word is all we need; He tells us who He is and all He's done and is going to do, and that should honestly be enough to strengthen our faith and our resolve in Him. But He knows how frail our human minds are. Frail, and yet He gave us the ability to question. He gave us the emotions - all of them. Then He counts us as righteous when we believe His promises. God made the promise to Abram that he would have a son from his own body to inherit the land God had promised. Abram believed God when he looked up at those stars, and it was credited to him as righteous. He was made right with God through faith, not through anything he did. And even though he believed, even though God had shown him something mind-blowingly amazing He still gave more. I can picture Abram that night. I can imagine his eyes fresh with tears, not tears of sadness, but tears of joy at the incredibleness of God's promise. The hopeful tears that come when He shows us something really neat. I can imagine his voice, maybe a whisper as his mind still did not comprehend: "O Sovereign Lord, how can I know?" He wanted confirmation. As our leader said, concrete confirmation. How many times have I been there? God tells me something, I say, "Wow! OK!" Then two minutes later, I want to know all the details. God then gave Abram the covenant while, as my leader pointed out, Abram was asleep. God was the only condition of the covenant. And God is God, so His covenant was unconditional. Abram then had to wait upon the Lord. He didn't get all the details, and he still had to wait, but God gave him more than imaginable. Later in the story, we know God kept His Word. I'm praying about some stuff right now, and when I feel like God isn't listening...when I feel that it is so hard to wait and I cannot live one more minute without the details and the when/how/what are You going to do?!, He sent me this lesson. And to top it off, He sent me this lecture. And to give me even more beautiful confirmation that He is the God who tenderly hears my prayers, He sent me a lady who told me, "God told me to tell you: 'Don't be discouraged, Amber. I have heard your prayers.'" She knows nothing about my prayer. She doesn't know how long I've been praying and wanting an answer. Today I cried tears of joy and hope at the incredibleness of God. God is good. And it all rests on Him. He is the God of the impossible. He is the God who grants desires which He has placed in one's heart. He hears. While we wait, He's there.

Elf on the Shelf

Today we brought home Zooey's elf. She is a girl, and Zooey named her Chocolate (love my girl!). I told her to hide the skirt for Chocolate to find and put on before she goes to see Santa tonight, and she'd be wearing the skirt tomorrow when she comes back. Zooey wanted to hold the skirt and kind of got mad about having to let it go, but then I "hid" it on the tree, which she thought was funny.

Tomorrow we start the Elf on the Shelf tradition. As I mentioned in the Santa post, I don't really like the idea of using the Elf or Santa to try to get good behavior out of Zooey. I know many parents do that, and if you're one of them, that's fine. We've just decided not to do that (for several reasons, but the simplest one? What would we "use" for behavior once Christmas was over? Threats? I already feel like I bribe my kid enough with gum for good behavior). I want Chocolate to be a silly little thing for Zooey to find every morning during the Christmas season who brings her giggles and joy. I want her to remember laughing and thinking it was fun.

This year we're starting Elf a little late; next year I'd like to start December 1. That being said, this year I don't have to sustain creativity for as long, so I'm going to have Chocolate bring a fun Christmas craft for Zooey to do each day.

Day 1

To Santa or Not to Santa ?

We have gone back and forth and back and forth (and back and forth!) about whether to celebrate Christmas with Santa in our home. It's funny, before we had Zooey, I just assumed, neigh - I KNEW - we'd do Santa. Then I became a parent, and I reconsidered. As a Christian, is it ok to do Santa? Hmmm. We have done it so far. This year, because Zooey's old enough to understand, and probably even remember, I thought about it a little more in depth. I decided, after praying and talking to some wise women, that we are going to have the magic of Santa in our home. This will be a big family game of pretend. Zooey is really starting to use her imagination, and so, going forward, when we talk to her about Santa, it will be as a make-believe story that we all pretend as a family. I respect you if you feel differently, and I totally get it. Ryan & I love Jesus, and I grew up thinking Christmas was magical because Santa was coming. I remember thinking I heard reindeer footprints on the roof with sleighbells ringing. I remember running to the window to look for Santa's sleigh. I stayed up almost all night one year with Sarah to see if we'd see Santa (until my mom came in and told us we'd better get back in bed because Santa doesn't come when kids are awake!). It was fun. It was special. Those are some of the best Christmas memories I have.

And you know what? After reflecting, praying, thinking, talking to Ryan...I NEVER ONCE doubted that Jesus is the true reason for Christmas. I never once thought He was pretend. I never once thought my parents were cruel for "lying" to me. Looking back, I think I always kind of knew Santa was a great game of imagination. But there was never any question in my mind even as a young girl that Jesus is real. So, we're going to let Zooey experience the magic* that I remember of being a little girl, and my hope is she'll find some of the joy and fun memories that I had as child will be something she has, too. I'm excited to see her join in the story with us.

One thing we will not be doing, however, is using Santa or the Elf on the Shelf (see a future post - just got it today and I'm excited!) to try to manipulate Zooey's behavior to get gifts or favor. We want to focus on Zooey's heart, and a heart that loves Jesus will automatically pour forth a life offering to Him that is pleasing. We will tell Zooey that Santa comes to bring Christmas cheer and magic to little kids, and he gives gifts to kids whether they deserve it or not. And as long as she wants to pretend and believe Santa is coming, we will play with her.

*Am I saying your kid will not have fun memories and magic if you don't do Santa? Absolutely not! Please know I support you in whatever your choice for your family, and this post was in no way meant to debate with or offend anyone. :) I merely want to remember all this stuff when I get old and gray and the details of the parenting journey gets harder and harder to remember.

I Believe: A Devotional

One of my favorite Christmas songs is "I Believe" performed by Natalie Grant. It begins: 

In a land far away, time stood still long ago...

As a woman, I think the lyrics to this song appeal to me, because right from the beginning, it sounds like a magical fairy tale. Can you relate? How many times as little girls did we watch "Cinderella" or "Snow White" or "Sleeping Beauty" dreaming of the day "our prince would come?" As a very small child, the stories were magical...true love, "happily ever after," talking animals. What could be better? Flash forward ten years, and the fairy tales were still watched, but then my heart made a desparate, fleeting wish for the prince to come. For me it was to rescue me from the mean girls at school. I could relate to poor Cinderalla and her evil step-sisters (and no, I'm not talking about my actual sisters!). Others of you were perhaps waiting to be rescued from bad family dynamics, poverty or other unfair situations beyond your control.  Flash forward another five (or maybe it was ten years for you), and I realized, somewhat bitterly, how untrue these fairy tales were. No one lives "happily ever after." Hearts are broken in love. The evil people do not always get what they deserve, and in fact sometimes they get rewarded for their bad deeds. The stories truly became fairy tales. 

The song goes on: 

There were shepherds in fields 

Or at least this how the story goes

The story goes

Woman with child and an inn with no room

Born in a manger foretelling a tomb

This is how the story goes

But it's more than a fable

And it's more than a fairytale

And more than my mind can conceive 

The world will tell us that Christianity is a fairytale religion, something we've made up to make ourselves feel better about the chaos that surrounds us. The world will tell us that the Bible is nothing more than a story book about a "good man" who walked the earth then died, giving us some good moral standards. 

What do you believe?

The song goes on:

Two thousand years

Still the story lives on
God's gift to us
Sent to earth 
Wrapped in flesh, 
His only Son
His only Son

Christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year" for many people. Christmas feels magical, what with all the lights and the snow (or fake snow - ha!) and of course all the wonderful food. Maybe for you, Christmas doesn't seem magical or wonderful. Maybe this year you're dreading the holiday...maybe you're missing a loved one or you're strapped for cash, and you don't know how you're going to make it as "magical" for your kids as you'd like. Maybe you hate Christmas every year, the commercialism or maybe the weight gain from all those special holiday treats (that fear comes from personal experience!). You see, though, all these things are so trivial in God's grand scheme of things. Let me be clear: I am NOT by any means saying your pain, grief or stress is trivial. I personally know and understand how much it hurts not to have a loved one around during the holidays. What I am saying, is many people, including Christians, tend to look at Christmas as a "fairy tale" time of year. Baby Jesus lying in a manger, peace on earth, good will toward men. It can be very "feel-good." God longs to woo us to see His big picture. It's more than a little baby lying peacefully in a manger. It's about the Savior that God offered for all humanity.

The song continues:

The heartbeat of heaven

Confounded our wisdom
But it's still the simple truth that sets me free

I believe

The Wisemen saw
The baby boy
the angels called teh Son of God
Heaven's child
the great I Am
Born to take away my sins
Through nail pierced hands
Emmanuel has come
And I believe

Precious child how can it be

That God's great plan for His story
Would send You to the lonely tree
That You would come for one like me

Jesus Christ, born as a baby, worshiped by shepherds and wise men while the sky was filled with angels - that is indeed miraculous. That He would step down from His place in Heaven and become a lowly child - that's amazing. What confounds wisdom even more than that, though, is God's ultimate plan for this sweet baby was to experience every imaginable human circumstance, including emotional and physical pain beyond our own understanding for us. 

The last verse of the song

I believe in a cross, I believe He came for one, He came for all

Heaven's child became a man, gave His life for me
In spite of all I am
I believe, I believe,
OH, I believe!
Christmas lives in me
I believe

You see, we celebrate Jesus Christ this time of year, because He was born to be "pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds, we are healed." This precious baby came, so that you could experience a spiritual rebirth and be pure, like a baby, before God. Pure from all your sin. Pure from the guilt that just won't let go. Freed from slavery and death. Jesus said in John 3, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.'" Christmas is a celebration of God's Son, fully God and fully Man. He knew what He was getting into when He put on skin and lay in that manger. And He did it for YOU. When He went to that cross as a man, He looked down through history and He saw your face! Jesus longs for us to admit that we are sinners in need of a Savior and to call on Him in full belief that He is the One who saves, confessing our sins before Him and asking Him to change us from the inside out. We who have accepted Christ carry the miracle of Christmas in us year round. 

- Does Christ live in you? If you'd like to make sure He does, contact me. Don't wait; let Him in and see how He makes all things new!

- If you are a Christian, how will you actively respond to Christ this season by making Him the focal point of your celebrations in your own heart and in your family?

- Those of you who are grieving, who are in pain this Christmas season: will you take to heart the promise that Jesus experienced grief and pain and that you can turn to Him in full honesty and expectently ask for His comfort, and even His joy this holiday season?  

Your prince has come, girls! It's more than a fairytale, even if it confounds our human knowledge. You can be part of the most epic love story every told.

 

Lingering for Lights

I normally rush Zooey in and out of the house. Tonight, I was about to try to hurry her in, when I saw her crouching down just staring at one of our snowman lights. It hit me: this pure and childlike fascination with lights isn't going to be here forever. Next year, she might get bored after a week and rush right into or out of the house. So, I paused. I watched. Sheer joy! I pray I can hold onto these little moments forever in my heart's photo album.

Two minutes later I told her it was time to come inside; she yelled "no!" and took out two of my little snowmen trying to run away from me. But the five minutes I let her linger were wonderful!

Get Cookie Monster Out!

A conversation between me and Zooey:

 Z: Potty AFTER bath!!!!
Me: yes, then what do we do?
Z: brush teeth
Me: yup then what?
Z: brush brush brush brush!
Me: yes, we brush then what?
Z: Get Cookie Monster out!!

She means the cavity monsters. Lol - I have to be entertaining when brushing her teeth so she doesn't break my eardrums with ear splitting screams.

November

November flew by. I feel like it was just Halloween, and we just got back from our trip. It was a busy month with lots of stuff going on in this little family. I've been single-mom'ing it a lot these days due to Ryan's work. That makes for fun-filled, hair-pulling, so-crazy-I'm-going-to-lose-it days. And also some genuine fun-filled days. :)

Zooey had a growth spurt sometime in the last month, because her 2T pants are finally starting to get too short. She had a trip to the doctor earlier this month for falling and getting a big cut on the back of her head; she had to get staples. That was an ADVENTURE! If you should ever, God forbid, have to take a three year old to get this done, I have one word that might help: bribery. And that didn't even help that much. I'm pretty sure she forgot about the sucker when three people had to hold her down. Anyway, I don't remember how much they said she weighed, but it was like 29.5, I think.

Funny/cute stuff:
~ One day last week it got really quiet while I was getting dinner ready, and I walked in to see two empty Ghiardelli wrappers with a third one ripped. She got the wrappers open with her teeth and ran down the hall when I came in the room.Girl loves chocolate!
~ She belly laughs a lot these days! To her, every little thing is funny, especially things that crash or fall. Rey was spinning a water bottle, knocking over the plastic salt container, and this was hilarious to Zooey. She also likes to stack things really tall and then knock them over; this gets a good laugh out of her.
~ She says, "yeah, me too!" a lot, especially when she's watching TV and they mention something they like.
~ She loves to smell coffee grounds when I'm making coffee.
~ Ever since the staples/head injury, she thinks all people have boo boo's and need to go to the doctor.
~ It is super cute when she says the turkey says "gobble, gobble, gobble!"

Other updates:
~ Her new SLP says she is doing wonderful. Right now we're working on her putting sounds on the end of words, especially "t" and "p." She uses a "k" sound a lot.
~ I took her to Explora! this week, and I was amazed at how much more she can do and also was interested in since the last time we went, early in the summer. The exhibits held her attention a lot longer, and she was more interested in listening to me explain them before she tried them this time. Then she would tell me what she was doing, for example, she'd say, "wave" when she was making little waves.
~ Even though she's ornery for me sometimes (what child isn't that way with their parents?), I always get wonderful reports from teachers and caregivers, saying she is very well-behaved and listens well. Yay!

Family photo on the iPhone

Look how grown up she looks!

After the head injury :( But look how cute she looks!

First hot chocolate

Cute outfit alert - and LEAVES!

Cute outfit I wanted to show off #2

Big Girl

...another cute outfit - girls are so fun!

So proud of herself riding her scooter all by herself the first time