Time

I feel like time is moving exceptionally fast. I have an almost-two-year-old. I just turned 30. Time with my mom, though, is the thing that seems to be so fleeting. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and all I want is to be near her. I know for many of you, it's been awhile since you've received an update about her. The blunt way to say it is that she's getting worse. She still gets out and about, coming to visit Zooey or going out to eat with us, but her pain level is definitely increased and she's much more tired. Her heart rate is high all the time, which the Hospice nurses say are due to her pain level. Her nurse this week told her that it would not be a surprise to him if it was her heart that did her in, not the cancer. To hear that was very scary for me, because we all know how heart issues can take a person quickly, suddenly...without any warning. I sometimes feel that if she continued to live forever here on this earth, as did I, there would not be enough time or moments to remember or to tell her how I feel about her. Those are the thoughts that cause my heart to sieze in panic, thinking that we truly have such a short time left together, and I still have so much I want to say, so much I wish we could do. I pray that God will give me the time, the words and the guts to express all that I need to before He calls her home. I love her so much.

While this time is very distressful, I have to say I am constantly amazed to be loved by such a big God, the One who holds me in the night when I can't fall back to sleep. The One who gives me just the right passage of Scripture I need on difficult days, like this one from a sweet friend who knows that I've been having even more difficulty sleeping due to unrelated things: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." ~Psalm 3:5. The One who reminds me in those sleepless times that I must continue to praise Him and thank Him for the blessings, because without that kind of perspective it is so hard to see the hope He has for me. The One who reminds me after a workout that He created our bodies to thrive on this earth for a time, breathing and moving healthily, but like Ecclesiastes tells us, there is also "a time to die." I am so thankful to be His princess, a daughter of the Most High King.

20 months

Zooey is 20 months old. I am in denial that my baby will be two in four short months! This month has been sweet, but also a little trying. I don't know what the deal is, but I find myself praying for patience and saying "Turn off your whiney voice." (internally, it's more like "Stop. The. Screaming.") about 100 times a day. I keep wondering if all the screaming (which seems like a frustrated/mad/give-me-that scream) will cease when she starts talking more, or if maybe she's frustrated she can't communicate the way she wants to. One other frustration is a little separation anxiety at naps and bedtime. Tonight, for example, after our story & song she was signing "Please" and started to cry, because she wanted me to keep holding her. This is more frustrating simply because I wish I could just give in, but I know it's better for her if I stay consistent. It's just hard to see her want me so much and cry for me not to leave her. She's always fine right after I lay her down. Besides the frustrations, however, I am cherishing all the sweet stuff, because I know this stage will soon pass, just like all the others have. Zooey has been extremely affectionate lately. She loves to give snuggles & kisses to family members and those she recognizes (her teacher at Little Gym, the church nursery workers). She has started to hug tightly to me & Ryan's necks when we give her a hug. It melts my heart! She blows kisses, and she'll put her hand to our mouth so we'll blow her a kiss, too. There was a night this month when Ryan was putting her down for bed; after he prayed and said, "In Jesus' Name we pray, Amen," she looked up at him and said "Amen." Aw! Amazing! That story is one of my favorite ones yet about Zooey. I just love how Jesus works in my little girl's heart already in ways that I can't even see quite yet.

Zooey now:

~eats with a spoon most of the time

~is getting at least two of her 2-year molars

~tries to do a lot of things by herself

Zooey loves:

~socializing!

~animals

~cars & trucks

~playing outside (& gets very upset when it's time to go inside)

~shape sorters

Zooey dislikes:

~the end of bathtime

Parenting Zooey continues to be such a joy and a privilege that I am thankful for every day. I love her so much and am so thankful that God gave us such a sweet, loving blessing.