A Public Confession

My soul has been grieving something for quite a while. I sinned…over a year ago, I sinned in the area of gossip, and I find that it’s still causing ripples of hurt, anger and discord to go out. Angry and hurt before God this morning, praying for conviction and reconciliation to happen, praying that instead of being one who instills discord I could be a peacemaker, He had me open to James 3:1-4:12. I began to read, and the more I read, the more tears started to fall out of my own heart being pricked by His Spirit. I was broken by the knowledge that my spark had set off a forest fire, turned harmony to chaos and cursed one made in His image (vv. 5-10). I had felt justified in my words (don’t we always?). I had been hurt by someone, and I hadn’t even began the conversations by attacking the person’s character but by simply replaying what had been said and done to me. By the end of the conversations, however, I am sure that some insults had been slung about…all in a very ‘round-the-bush-way, of course…I wouldn’t want to be “gossiping.” Don’t we always feel justified when we’re “venting”? Don’t we always feel justified when we say something like, “Don’t get me wrong, I care about this person, BUT…”?

I read further. “For where you find envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (v.16). What had my real ambitions been in these conversations? Surely part of it was truly from a broken heart, but more than that, it was to have someone on my side. To which God says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still” (Ex. 14:14) and “Do not say, ‘I’ll pay you back for this wrong!’ Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you” (Pr. 20:22). I should have left my complaints and God’s feet, perhaps asked for prayer without going into a myriad of details about the conflict. I should have asked God for wisdom, because He would have given that to me freely (Jas. 1:5). I may not have received it in my own timing, like I did the immediate feedback I got from talking to another human, but He would’ve answered. And “the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” He would’ve shown me what to do. The conviction ran deeper as I read “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives…” (Jas 4:1-3). My comments came from bitterness, hurt feelings and anger. My prayers stemmed from these motives, as well, and while I may have, I’m pretty certain I didn’t ask God to change those feelings within me. I’m pretty sure I prayed for reconciliation but no conviction on my part. How contrasting the motives are in 3:16 and 3:17 (“envy & selfish ambition versus pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere”).

As I sat with tears spilling down my cheeks, I silently prayed, “Oh, Jesus, how I need your Grace. Forgive me,” and my eyes fell on, “But He gives us more grace.” I am so humbled…I don’t deserve this. I deserve to, I don’t know, be made an outcast from people who I’ve hurt and caused discourse among. I deserve to have the same thing done to me. Mostly, I deserve death. Thank GOD He atoned for this sin by His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. Thank you, Lord!!

I re-read the passage to notice 3:2 “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” My footnotes say, “Since the tongue is so difficult to control, those who control it perfectly gain control of themselves in all other areas of life as well.” First came the conviction and the repentance, and as always, my Good God didn’t leave me there, but gave me something to apply to my life so I may grow up in Him. My prayer is that He will tame my tongue (v.8) and that my words will be a stream of fresh water to everyone I encounter (v.11).

You see, I’ve also been praying that God would work on my quick temper, especially with my daughter. Anger, of course, is a heart issue, but my careless words and quick, anger-based discipline have certainly caused her much pain. Father God gently but firmly showed me that my lack of self-control over my tongue is causing problems in many areas of my life. I am so thankful for His loving discipline. I don’t want to stay where I am. I want to mature and grow up in Him.

I am going to pray about this daily. I am going to present my mind to God (Rom. 12:1-2), obey Christ’s teachings (2 Cor. 10:5) and practice speaking helpfully. I cannot tame my own tongue; a tamed tongue comes from the renewal of my heart, and only He can do that. This is my prayer. Only He can reconcile hearts. I am praying His reconciliation and Love (Rom. 12:3-21).

I really felt I needed to make a public confession. Thank you for hearing. Thank God for His Grace and Mercy.

Waiting in Goodness

  Tonight I am pondering how good God is. Our lesson at BSF this week was about Abram and the covenant God made with him. Abram said, "what can you give me since I have no children?" It's ok to openly pour out our hearts to God. He can take it. He is strong. We can be frustrated and sad and tell Him all about it. What's cool - really cool - is that He then will give us an answer when we earnestly seek Him. Does He have to? Nope. His Word is all we need; He tells us who He is and all He's done and is going to do, and that should honestly be enough to strengthen our faith and our resolve in Him. But He knows how frail our human minds are. Frail, and yet He gave us the ability to question. He gave us the emotions - all of them. Then He counts us as righteous when we believe His promises. God made the promise to Abram that he would have a son from his own body to inherit the land God had promised. Abram believed God when he looked up at those stars, and it was credited to him as righteous. He was made right with God through faith, not through anything he did. And even though he believed, even though God had shown him something mind-blowingly amazing He still gave more. I can picture Abram that night. I can imagine his eyes fresh with tears, not tears of sadness, but tears of joy at the incredibleness of God's promise. The hopeful tears that come when He shows us something really neat. I can imagine his voice, maybe a whisper as his mind still did not comprehend: "O Sovereign Lord, how can I know?" He wanted confirmation. As our leader said, concrete confirmation. How many times have I been there? God tells me something, I say, "Wow! OK!" Then two minutes later, I want to know all the details. God then gave Abram the covenant while, as my leader pointed out, Abram was asleep. God was the only condition of the covenant. And God is God, so His covenant was unconditional. Abram then had to wait upon the Lord. He didn't get all the details, and he still had to wait, but God gave him more than imaginable. Later in the story, we know God kept His Word. I'm praying about some stuff right now, and when I feel like God isn't listening...when I feel that it is so hard to wait and I cannot live one more minute without the details and the when/how/what are You going to do?!, He sent me this lesson. And to top it off, He sent me this lecture. And to give me even more beautiful confirmation that He is the God who tenderly hears my prayers, He sent me a lady who told me, "God told me to tell you: 'Don't be discouraged, Amber. I have heard your prayers.'" She knows nothing about my prayer. She doesn't know how long I've been praying and wanting an answer. Today I cried tears of joy and hope at the incredibleness of God. God is good. And it all rests on Him. He is the God of the impossible. He is the God who grants desires which He has placed in one's heart. He hears. While we wait, He's there.

30 Day Journey, Days 12-27

I know I've been a little silent on this journey. However, that definitely doesn't mean God hasn't been working. As I wrapped up my final day in my "No Other gods" study by Kelly Minter, God really made it clear to me what He's been doing in the last 27 days. When I began this study eight weeks ago, I didn't put down entertainment as one of my idols. I felt that I spent a relatively small amount of time sitting in front of the TV or reading or whatever. The last two days we spent time in the book of Ruth. In Ruth, we see God's provision and His timing. The future probably looked pretty bleak to Ruth as she set out from Moab with Naomi to Judah. Her husband had died, she had no children, there was no man to provide for them (big deal in those days), she was leaving her family & friends and her gods. She was commited to helping Naomi, though, and she went. Just so happens, on her first day in the barley field, Boaz showed up and went beyond his duty to help her and her family and had the workers leave extra barley behind for her to pick up. At the end of the book, Naomi is able to have an heir through Ruth & Boaz's baby, Obed. Blessed beyond belief! This is surely not what Naomi & Ruth thought they had ahead of them as they left Moab. God did that, and He continues to do this today. He clicks the pieces of the puzzles we call life together to form a beautiful picture of His grace and provision. I was taken aback by Him this morning, as I realized how perfect His timing was in asking me to do this 30 day journey of purity. Maybe I didn't spend much time on entertainment  (because what Mom has time for that, am I right?!), but I was using it as a coping skill, like I've talked about before.  I would stay up reading, because I didn't want to think about my problems. When we did watch TV at night, Ryan & I weren't spending real quality time together. Personally,  some shows and books were desensitizing me to what God's Word calls sin. This all clicked this morning. By setting aside entertainment, I've been able to grieve the anniversary of my mom's death by turning to God. He has brought healing through my tears and through the moments where I am awake at 3:00am and all I can think about is her, so I turn to Him and pray. He has brought me and Ryan closer through card games and conversation and real quality time. He has enabled me to be bold in my beliefs and what He's called me to do and to care less what others think about my choices. God's timing is perfect. I realized today that time spent isn't necessarily the only clue that something is an idol in our lives, and God showed me how removing it and making room for Him has blessed me abundantly - even in this short month! How good and amazing and wonderful is He! 

What a week!

This song has been in my head this week, and I was surprised and joyful that we got to sing a portion of it at church this morning! This week was one of those weeks where I just saw God's mighty hand at work in the intimate details, and it was truly so sweet to trust Him.

I hit (another!) car at the zoo this week while I was parking. It's kind of a long story, but it turns out we didn't have insurance on the car for three months (it was still in my dad's name, and I'd been lazy about getting it registered). I was SO freaked out about what the consequences were going to be. As I waited for the person to call me, I prayed - a lot - and had my friends pray, too. Ryan was unbelievably gracious about the whole thing. It really touched my heart how sweet and calm he was about it, especially considering I hit a car at the gym like three months ago (clear the roads, people! Just kidding!). As a side note, I am REALLY trying to park slower and pay extra careful attention before I pull into a spot. Anyway, the man called me and said, "Let's just let this go. I'm not going to file anything." He ended the call by saying "God bless you." WOW!

Some friends of mine from church for whom I have been praying for found out that there three boys are now able to be adopted. Praise God! If you were to see this family, you would just KNOW that these boys belong with them. God is so good.

Although this is somewhat embarrassing ::blushes::, I am still going to put it out there. I started reading this the day after I started my 30 day journey to purity. This is the same author of The Magic Mike post. One of her thoughts in that post was that our time spent reading erotic books and watching movies like this would be spent well steaming up our own marriage. Without getting too personal, I will say this series has opened up a lot of dialogue between Ryan and me. It's been great.

We've been visiting Calvary and listening to a series on marriage, Keep Calm & Marry On. God is definitely working in our marriage. He is opening my eyes to be more appreciative of Ryan and showing me the importance of respecting him. It's been a really good series. Skip's teachings are available for download. I'd recommend listening. It's been one of those great weeks that God gives us sometimes, where we're allowed to see magnified glimpses of His holiness, provision and goodness even in the midst of the busy-ness. Praise God for a wonderful week!

30 Day Journey, Days 8-11

I tell you what, I cannot believe it's been four days since my last post! Last week was busy! Besides having to run lots of errands, I also spent 2 1/2 days cleaning up my backyard. I feel so empowered, because I used the leaf blower all on my own! :)

I was more consistent this past week with getting up early in the morning and spending time with the Lord before I did anything else. What a huge difference that made in my day! Just that sweet time spent prepared me to be more patient, to see God's hand at work and readily praise Him and reminded me to pray more frequently throughout the day. I have noticed on days I spend with the Lord, I am more prone to stop and pray with Zooey (or by myself) when it seems like a situation is getting frustrating or my anger is rising up in me. It truly makes a difference. Moms (& Dads) - if you are having a hard day with your little ones, I'd really encourage you to do this. Of course, the principle applies to any relationship, really, but I've noticed that after praying with Zooey she often (in fact, 9/10 times) becomes calmer and is more apt to obey. God is amazing! Little miracles...

As I sat down to my study (No Other Gods, by Kelly Minter), I really identified with something she said about the experience of Christianity. She said if she could change anything about her early Christian experience, she "would switch the percentage of time (I'm guessing about 90%) spent on focusing on all the 'bad' things in my life that weren't supposed to be there with the 10% spent focusing on Christ. I fear we have this terribly backward. We spend too much time trying to rid ourselves of rebellion, lust, jealousy, materialism, drug addictions, and whatever other idols rule our lives, while spending this minuscule amount of time on knowing the One True God."

I have such a guilt complex that I totally relate to this. I know in my heart of hearts that Jesus died to set me free from guilt. I know that guilt is from Satan. God has worked mightily in my life in the last four years about guilt. Praise God! However, there are those moments when I just royally screw up before His throne, I go against His Word, and I am overwhelmed with guilt sometimes to the point that it consumes my every thought and emotion. Have you ever been there? The opposite should be true. We should consume our every thought with God's grace and Jesus' amazing character. Will we become perfect when we do this? No! Of course not; we're human. BUT - when we truly open our eyes and our hearts to all that Jesus has done to cover our multitude of sins, it gives us a heart that longs to please Him with our whole self, so the sin stuff starts to fade away and we start to live out our faith. James 4:7-9 says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." When we see our sin for the ugliness that it is, the Spirit causes us to yearn for God and to worship Him with our lives in ways that are impossible on our own.

In Isaiah 55:1-9, God called the Israelites (and us) to "come" 3 times, "listen"/"hear"/"give ear" 4 times and to "eat" 2 times. We're also called to "delight," "seek," "see," "call" and "turn." You're probably reading this and going, "So?" All of this comes back to what God's heart for us, found in verse 2: "...and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." Why settle for the measly temporary pleasure that sin provides, when God promises to delight us, to satisfy us, with His rich blessing?

Will you come to the Lord, eat of His good Word, give ear and listen to what He has to say, see Jesus for the King He is, seek the Lord while He may still be found and "call on Him when He is near?" I think if you do, you'll be awestruck by the way He satiates your soul with His love. This, my friends, is the key to being able to live a pure and holy life.

30 Days, Day 1-2

Hello! Wouldn't you know it, yesterday morning started off with some snags? Since I've been sick, I've been sleeping in to catch up on some much needed rest. I got up, fed Zooey breakfast and put her in roomtime, all set to do have my quiet time. This was the day that she decided to cry and cry about roomtime - which, by the way, she hasn't done in I don't even know how long. She was just inconsolable, so I got her out. I never did get the chance to sit down and really get into the Word; however, I was able to do my devotional on parenting. 

The immediate struggles I faced with cutting out TV (well, inappropriate ones) was that I am not really able to watch TV with Ryan at night. This posed a problem, because he is the type who  has to watch TV to unwind and be able to go to sleep at night. The first night, I wanted to be alone for a bit anyway, to read my Bible and pray, as I was really missing my mom. I needed to grieve with Jesus, so I took the time to do that. Last night, he was watching a show that had some raunchy kind of humor to it, so I read the news on my iPad and listened to some Christian music until he was done with that show. Then we kind of watched a game show until it was time for bed. Another thing that was hard for me was to hit the gym yesterday without my usual playlist. I really do enjoy Christian music, and in fact listen to it most of the time while driving, at home, etc. When I'm working out, I like music with a good beat, that's energizing, and let's be honest - a lot of Christian music is just a little too soft. So, that was a challenge. I ended up playing Natalie Grant and skipping over a lot of the softer, slower songs. These are some struggles I've noticed so far.

Now, for the good things. I have found when I have a bit of downtime, I'm looking to my Bible or other devotional app on the iPad to read a plan. Listening to Christian music while working out left me with more positive feeling, because I was praising the Lord while I worked out. Even two days in, I'm seeing that I'm connecting with Him a little more often than I normally do. I find I am also a little more sensitive to what's around me, even when I'm at home, and that's good. Instead of clicking on a link or keeping my attention focused on the TV show that's on, I'm turning away from things that aren't filling my mind with something godly. 

Philippians 4:8-9 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard form me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

The key to peace is to keep my focus on God and the things that He deems true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. While it is nice sometimes just to veg out and be entertained, it shouldn't become our main escape. Jesus should. He is an escape that will leave us feeling full. All the other stuff fades and still leaves us with a sense of "what do I do now?" I saw this the other night when instead of reading or watching TV to escape my feelings about my mom, I read the Bible and talked to the Lord. I felt like a little bit of that weight had been lifted, and I felt encouraged to know that He is always with me and will carry that burden and get me through it.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Like my friend said when we were talking about this, how does a novel or TV show help to renew our minds and transform us into the person God wants us to be? Again, I do not feel that all TV or all novels are inerrantly bad. I do think it is important for us as Christians to be aware that things we read and watch DO effect us. That's why it's so important that the time we spend with God is the most important time of our day. Earnestly seeking Him will lead to a conviction if our choice of entertainment is something we should avoid. And of course, His Word is very clear about what is sinful and what is not, so if our entertainment is not in line with what He would be ok with, then it's probably not something we should be entertained by.

If you're along for the ride on this journey, I'd love to hear what's been good or bad for you. Please comment!

Fear

God is so good. Two weeks ago, I did not get my Bible study complete. I am catching up on that week this week. God placed the lessons I missed on today's calendar for a reason. I really struggle with fear. Like, a LOT. I suffer from anxiety, first of all, but I tend to let my anxious thoughts control my mind too much. Today I learned that fear isn't an idol, but the things we fear often are our idol. When asked the question "how does fear play into one of your main functional gods," the Lord gave me with sudden clarity the main things I fear: being abandoned, being disliked, loss of a loved one. This plays into my functional god, which is others opinions of me and my own self feeling secure. I like to be comfortable; I don't like to hurt. I also realized how afraid I am to let go of my fear (crazy, I know), because letting go means admitting how little control I really have over the things that fear me. I have had this revelation before, but for some reason today it really stood out to me. Last night was a rough mom night. I can often feel the rough moments of my grief building up. What do I do? I distract myself. Or I try to run away (literally - sometimes I'll workout to take my mind off it). The feeling of a complete and utter meltdown is SCARY to me. I don't like it. I don't like feeling that much pain. Why I try to escape, I don't know...I know the pain is going to hit whether I let it then or later. Notice the pattern, though: I avoid it or I refocus my attention on something else (those things that I sometimes let become little gods - entertainment, fitness). Reading a book or going for a run are good things, however, when I let them take the place of God, they're not. As I finally collapsed in His arms last night, I realized how much more comforting His Word is and the knowledge of His character are than any of the other stuff. He brings peace. The other stuff may distract me or take me away from a moment of grief, but they still leave me with a feeling of edginess, because I know it's going to catch up to me. So, I finally told Him. I told Him all the things that scare me, the things I don't want to think about. July is approaching, and last July was really rough. I don't like thinking about how I knew she was going to die soon, how she (seemingly) rapidly went from being ok to being bed-ridden, how the terminal aggitation was heartbreaking. I don't like to think about the family celebrations we had last July (the 4th and Zooey's early birthday party), because right now all I can think about is the little things like my mom not eating very much or being so weak she couldn't help us in the kitchen. The good memories are hard to remember. I don't like to think about the end, especially when those thoughts overcome the good memories. God held me and let me know that I need to process all of that, and He's there. I clicked the Bible app on my phone, and the verse that lit up the dark was Psalm 27:14 - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." He's going to get me through this. God is so sweet. I woke up this morning still feeling sad, and He gave me a bunch of verses on fear to look at. The ones that stood out to me the most were: Psalm 112:7 - "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Psalm 56:3-4a - "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid." The grief will fade in time. I have no reason to fear. My God is great, He is with me. He will walk me through the valley to the other side. Although my mom is gone from this world, my God tells the truth, and I know she's with Him. The truth He whispered to me last night is true: the same arms that hold her there hold me here. That's so comforting to know.

Hannah

This morning I read the story of Hannah, a story I haven't read in a long time. It's found in 1 Samuel 1-2. Background: Hannah's hubby, Elkanah also has another wife, Peninnah. Peninnah had kids, but Hannah had none, even though she wanted them desperately. It is noted that Elksnah "loved" Hannah (not noted about Peninnah) and he brought Hannah double portions of meat. Peninnah would provoke Hannah to the point of tears and loss of appetite. I can only imagine what she said to Hannah; my guess is is had something to do with how she had children and Hannah didn't. Hannah cried out to God in her anguish and told Him that if she ever had a child, she would dedicate him to the Lord. The priest thought she was drunk because he could see on her face how heartfelt her prayer was. So, Hannah and Elkanah go on their way, and v20 says, "in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'" Hannah didn't go up to Shiloh to make the annual offering with Elkanah, but said she would go later once the child was weaned. My footnote says it was common in that part of the world to nurse a child to the age of three or longer because their was no to keep the milk sweet. Hannah weans Samuel, takes him to the priest (Eli, the one who saw her praying) and dedicates Samuel to the service of the Lord. "So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshiped the Lord there." (v28) Hannah then prays a beautiful prayer in ch. 2 of thanksgiving and praise to God. Here's the part that really stood out to me: Hannah gave this long-awaited child to the Lord. She literally left him with Eli to help him with his priestly duties and to be trained up in the Lord. A 3 (or 4? Or 5?) year old. Wow. It's so hard for me to imagine that. Here's the thing, though: Hannah's joy was not in the child but in the Lord who answered her prayer. She knew Samuel belonged to the Lord, that he was a gift on loan to her from God. She dedicated her son fully to the cause of the Lord without any hesitation because she was overjoyed at what the Lord can do. I have to be honest, I think I'd be holding on pretty tight. But the fact is, Zooey too is God's kid on loan to me. I am responsible for training her up in the way she should go and then letting her go to do God's work. Even now, He is working in her heart. Even before she was born, He had something in mind for her to do with her life that will glorify Him. Although it is hard, I am called to entrust her to Him 100%, because He loves her and dreams bigger for her than I ever could. My prayer is that God will help me to raise her in Him and to let her go when it's time.

Looking for Loopholes

I'm doing a summer Bible study with a group of wonderful girls from the book "No Other gods" by Kelly Minter. The book takes you on a journey looking at modern-day idols and eliminating them from your life. It's been good. Today's study was especially good. If there is one idol I tend to let in my life again and again, it's definitely entertainment. The header for today's study reads, "Behind every false god is a door we've left open." ("The Living Room Series: No Other Gods, Confronting Our Modern-Day Idols", Kelly Minter, p.67). The Scripture was from 2 Timothy 3:1-16. When looking at a list of godlessness, we see: - people who are lovers of themselves - lovers of money - boastful - proud - abusive - disobedient to their parents - ungrateful - unholy - without love - unforgiving - slanderous - without self-control - brutal - not lovers of the good - treacherous - rash - conceited - lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying it's power The book asks how you see these characteristics in the media today? I know all of my favorite shows came to mind, a book I recently read, a song I recently downloaded on iTunes...Sin is everywhere. Paul says "HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM." Here's the tricky thing: as this alluring entertainment worms its way into our homes and gains control (v6), we try to worm our way out of conviction...or at least I know I do. I argue with God, and the dialogue goes something like this: "Just one more week God; I have to know what happens with ___ ." Or, "I'm strong enough in my faith to know that that's wrong." "It's mindless TV; it's not going to hurt anything." As I was typing out this list, I was also convicted of the part that says "lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God." How many times do I forego Bible study and prayer in my day or squeeze in a "quicky" to appease my guilt then spend hours watching TV or reading a book? Minter says on p. 68, "To think that we are unaffected by what we watch, read, or listen to is deceptive thinking...But Paul had a reason for saying, 'Have nothing to do with them.'" Note now the things Scripture is useful for in 2 Tim. 3:16: - teaching - rebuking - correcting and training in righteousness - equipping men of God thoroughly for every good work Entertainment can't quite do that, can it? I'm deceived into thinking I am ok, then my mind is dulled to sin. I start seeing sexual immorality and caring more about who gets together than whether or not it is sinful, I let curse words into my line of thinking and soon enough they slip into my own mindful reactions (or worse yet I say them out loud) when I'm frustrated. I worry over my marriage, why it can't be "that" way or why my husband is not as chivalrous as the man on the TV show or the main character in my book. I feel guilty over not being the supermom portrayed in the sitcom. In my own life, I am definitely seeing how Satan sneaks in there, under the guise of entertainment and "feel-good" to put lies in my heart. The solution, as Paul says in v.14-15 is to "continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through Christ Jesus." Entertainment can't make you wise in the things of God. There have been times, as I mentioned before, that God has called me to cut out a TV show or stop reading a book, and I argue. I look for loopholes, as Minter calls them, because I am sad that I will have to stop watching a show I love or won't find out what happens. Simply put, I wish I wasn't convicted (or maybe that the conviction is so knawing?), because I don't want to stop. But, I love what she says on p. 70, "...true conviction doesn't look for loopholes, and it isn't sad...As we rid it from our lives we will be hopeful with anticipation, anxious to see what God will do with this newly-created space. We will not look for loopholes. We will be resolved. We will know that we are in a position to gain, not to be stolen from any longer." I am asking God what He wants me to cut out and for the ability to obey immediately with a sense of thanksgiving and joy.

Joy & Sorrow

The last few days have been so joyful, and also hard for me in various ways. I woke up yesterday with the immediate thought to text my mom "Happy Mother's Day" before I remembered, yet again for the hundredth time last week, that she's no longer here to say that too. I went to church, a little perplexed about why Ryan never showed up but got my question answered when I returned home to lovely hanging pot of flowers on my front porch, roses and homemade crepes. Yum! We spent the day watching movies with Sarah & Rey (& even Zooey who sat still for most of "Winnie the Pooh!"). It was a nice day overall.

Tonight was the last night of BSF for the kids, which is always a rough night, but even more so since I will not be returning to the evening class next year, or to leadership. I have been with these women in this circle for the last five and a half years. They have obviously seen me through a lot, including most memorably my pregnancy & Zooey's arrival and the illness and loss of my mom. They are truly like family to me. It is a loss for sure; it is bittersweet...a grieving period that is also filled with hope because I will be attending BSF with Zooey! in the fall. As the Lord keeps telling me, she is SO worth it! God has also called me to some new ministries at church and in MOPS, and although I honestly fought with Him on it, because I am so passionate and love BSF so much, He's made it clear that He wants me to serve elsewhere. I told Him anytime He wants me to serve Him at BSF, I'm on it! LOL. :) I am sure that this week will be filled with tears...probably especially as I attend the leader's brunch and sharing night (always a tear-jerker of joy!) next week.

Another piece of joyful news announced at class tonight was that BSF is adding the study of Revelation! The study will be added in 2015, and I am SO excited that I can hardly contain myself! My first thought was to grab my cell and text my mom, who never thought they'd ever add that study, being that BSF is interdenominational. But once again, I realized she's not here to hear that news, and I was a little crushed.

I miss her. Grief is unexplainable and personal. I can't explain it other than she was my mom. Someone wise once told me right after my mom died that there's just something about knowing your mother's love is there, that unconditional love, and especially now being a mom, knowing the prayers that a mom prays for her child...that there is someone there praying that way for you - that is so special; no one can really prepare you for that "missing." I think that describes it well. Abraham Lincoln said, "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." Also, she was the person who kissed my boo-boos away when I was an infant and throughout my life...she knew just what to say. She shared in my joy in a unique way that only a mom can. I miss her so much.

One of my favorite things to study this year was in Thessalonians when we learned that the dead will rise first and will meet us in the air. I cannot wait to see my mom again. The Lord's precious promises mean so much to me. He is so sweet to include that little tidbit for us - that promise that we'll see our loved ones again. He is MORE than enough; seeing Him will fulfill me in EVERY way imaginable, but when our God gives, He gives in abundance and is also sweet enough to promise the joyful reunion with the saints who have gone before us. I love Him so incredibly!!

The title of the last lecture for this year was "Amazing Race: Sprint to the Finish." I want to sprint my life's race to God's glory...even when I am facing rocky, unknown territory as I am this upcoming year.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

God is so good. Seriously! Remember my last post? Pretty depressing, right? Well...after asking some friends to pray and praying myself, I got my "Our Daily Bread" devotional open on my phone to read this (see March 20th: http://odb.org/). How good is our God?! I love Him so much. Does He have to stoop down low and listen to my cries? No. But He chooses to love me despite ME. I love the passage that was given for today's reading. A reading I studied in BSF only two months ago...how quickly I forget, yet how GREAT of God to remind me.

¹³ "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet reminder that I will be reunited to my mom. Thank you for reminding me that Your plan spans eternity. Even though the last year has been a painful, seemingly looong time in my existence, You have reminded me that You are Omnipotent, You are Good and Fair and Just, and this pain is just a blip on the grand scale of Your plan for me. Lord, I am so thankful that You see me seated with You right now in the heavenly realms, even though I can't see that far yet. You are beyond Good, You are Perfect and Lovely. Thank you for choosing to love me. Thank you for enabling me to seek You out. Thank You that you mysteriously, amazingly somehow make the bitter times sweeter than I could have even imagined by drawing me nearer and nearer to You. I love You. Amen.

^"6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷ in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:6-10

I've been pretty down the last few days. I lay in bed before I go to sleep at night, and I think about my sweet mom. This time last year, she had undergone her final chemo treatments and decided not to continue them. They just made her too sick. I remember feeling sad about her decision, because I had so much hope that it would give her the maximum time we could have with her, but I was also so supportive, because who wants to spend the last 6-8 months of their life feeling nauseous and wanting to stay in bed all the time? While Ryan & I weren't open with many about this, we also tried briefly, maybe for about three months, to get pregnant this time last year. I so wanted the chance for my mom to meet our next child on this earth, but God knew her time was shorter than my human mind could hope for. What a protection that ultimately was, me not conceiving, because the stress wouldn't have been good for me or the baby, and I know my mom would've been stressed about my health, too. This time last year, we had returned from our last vacation with my mom to San Diego, and I remember looking at some Women of Faith Conferences, hoping maybe we could get one more trip together... So much that just wasn't meant to be.

Oh, how I miss her. I miss her in the little things, like when I watch a new show on TV, like I did this week, and I almost pick up the phone to ask her if she's seen it because I think she would've liked it. When I watch Zooey feed the ducks at the zoo, I remember how she used to buy me and Sarah the food, and watch us throw it in the pond, and I think how much she would have enjoyed seeing Zooey do it, how she would've shared in my pride. I pack Zooey's lunch for school and remember how she used to leave me little notes in my lunch box, "I love you" or "Have a good day" or "I'm praying for you." I put on her shirts that are now mine, and they don't smell like her at all anymore, even the ones that were in the bottom of the drawer that I haven't worn yet. I open the Bible she left me, and I see a highlighted passage, and sometimes I know, because we'd talked about it, how it encouraged her (& in turn encouraged me), and sometimes I wonder why she liked it so much. I rub Zooey's back and remember how I'd always ask her to rub mine, even in high school, and she always did. I miss her when I think about getting Zooey an Easter dress, and I remember how last year she was so tickled when Zooey walked down the hall showing my mom her new shoes.

I miss her in the big things. I miss her when I am hurt, and I just want to talk to my mom about it, the woman who kissed my boo-boos and touched my heart with her sweet, calming, reassuring voice. I miss talking over the big decisions in my life, even, or maybe especially, the hard ones. I miss her hugs and the sweet, clean smell that enveloped me when I hugged her back.

It isn't simply enough to say I miss her. It isn't. Those words don't describe the dull ache that creeps on me like it has the last week, leaving me feeling so sad. But at the same time, I miss her.

I hate that there are days when I struggle to find these good memories, because I am remembering her illness more than I am remembering her. I hate remembering her lying in that bed, semi-conscious and unable to speak. I hate that she had so much pain. I really wish I could move past thinking about that instead of all the millions of good memories. I know it's a lot for my brain to take in, so I need to process it bits at a time, but it's like a knife just slicing the same wound open again. I still struggle with the question why. I still ask God how I am supposed to go forward without my mom. It isn't that I don't have family whom I love and adore and friends. It isn't that my husband isn't my rock, the logical strong one who I turn to when I need advice or a big strong hug. There's just something about being a girl/woman and having a mom that you're close to - there isn't another type of bond like that, in my opinion. Just like a husband/wife or sisters or sister/brother or best friends or any other combination of people share a unique bond, the same is true of mother/daughter.

It is hard - SO HARD - sometimes to not let my emotions control me. There are moments when I want to curl up in a depressed fetal ball and not get up, when I just want to wallow in it. Thank and praise the Lord that He pulls me out of it, because I know I probably wouldn't be able to sometimes. But right when I'm probably about to collapse (because I have a tendency to shut things in for way too long), He comes along and gives me something I didn't even know I needed before He shows me. Like tonight, when I sat down and read Zooey her devotional at bed, and it said:

"The children are looking at the rainbow and the pretty clouds. They are thinking about heaven. Someday we will have new bodies that are even more amazing than the bodies we have now. When we go to heaven to live with Jesus, our bodies will be just like his. We won't get sick or hurt. And we'll never have to cry. We will have the best bodies ever! 'He will change our simple bodies and make them like his own glorious body. Christ can do this by his power.' (Philippians 3:21, ICB). Jesus, when I live with you, my body will be all brand-new." (The One Year Devotions for Preschoolers, Crystal Bowman, 2004. pg. March 17).

That about sums it up, right? My mom is in her new "best body," and she is not in pain. And someday, I'll see her again and not have to cry anymore.

Mom, around 1980

No Condemnation

I used to have a huge guilt complex. I still kind of do, actually. I used to look at God as a Father who punished. I used to look at the bad things that happened not as an opportunity to show that God's grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) but as a punishment for the sins I had committed. I am so immensely grateful for the book of Romans and the opportunity I had six years ago to study it in depth at BSF. God really broke a lot of these chains of guilt as I studied that book. I learned that He suffered to make me free, I learned about grace and how I could never, ever meet His standards of the Law on my own, but that we need Jesus in order to be sanctified and have a relationship with God. We cannot ever be "good enough" on our own. I continue to fall more and more in love with Jesus every time I open His Word. I continue to be struck in awestruck humility at His choice to come to earth and extend me mercy and grace.

At church on Sunday, we studied John 7:53-8:12, which is the story of the adulterous woman who was brought before Jesus for judgment. As Jesus wrote in the sand (the tenth commandment? the Pharisees' sins? who knows but God alone) and the Pharisees dropped their rocks, only Jesus the Perfect, sinless One and the woman remained. Now, Jesus who is God-Man, could've taken the opportunity to condemn her for her sins. He could've punished her. However, He chose to extend grace and mercy to her. He still hated the sin, but He let her go, telling her, "Go now and leave your life of sin" (8:11b).

In BSF this week we are studying Ephesians, which is described in the notes as presenting the "theme of the believer's relationship to Christ. Perhaps nowhere in all of Scripture is the believer's own preciousness to Christ and to God so gloriously revealed as in Ephesians." How precious to know that God has included this sweet part in His love letter to us. With the Holy Spirit's help, He enables us to be enlightened to the words of the Bible, in order that we may know "the riches of His glorious inheritance" (Ephesians 1:18b). God doesn't want us to remain in guilt, focused on our sin. He wants us to know "the rich glory of His inheritance in every one of His saints is to know our value to Him and to be enabled to approach Him with great confidence and joy." (BSF Notes, Acts of the Apostles, Less. 23, p. 6). Praise God for His rich grace and love, so that I no longer have to be stuck in the mindset of a guilty conscience or feel like I'm being punished.

Finally, our pastor gave a wonderful quote yesterday, which I'd like to share with you. "So when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: 'I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know that One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!'" - Martin Luther.

Are you still holding onto your past sins, remaining in your guilt, punishing yourself with your thoughts of inadequacy to ever be good enough? When will you give it to God who set you free in Christ so that you can share in His glorious inheritance?

Do EVERYTHING

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23

God has been speaking to me about doing everything to His glory. Ephesians  1:4-6 says, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." God has lavished His grace on us by the sacrifice of His Son to give me life. I need to live a life of thanksgiving that brings Him praise and honor. This is not just a life that goes to church on Sundays or prays when I need something. No, this is a life that gives Him praise in EVERYTHING I do. The way I live is to be a praise offering. When I'm "picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today," scraping stuck oatmeal out of the microwave, cleaning the toilet, scooping the cat litter, doing my gazillionth load of laundry...when I'm worshiping the Lord at church or teaching a child a memory verse...when I'm having a conversation or choosing a TV show to watch. All of these things are to bring God glory, so that others may see Him in me and praise Him, too. The ultimate goal of my life here on earth is not to be comfortably conformed to a worldly way of life, merely going with the flow, working with an attitude of resentment or resignation or trying to fit in; it is to be holy and blameless in God's sight. This is not a comfortable call, but I am confident it is one that will bring my Lord pleasure. And honestly, I want that more than anything else. How about you?

How do you view God?

How do you view God? Do you view Him as someone who is a "higher power" that you seek when times get tough or you need a new promotion, or healing, or...whatever? Do you view Him as someone who sits on high allowing turmoil without doing anything to stop it or protect the innocent? Do you view Him as Loving, but not also full of righteous wrath? Or perhaps you view Him the opposite, full of wrath with no love. Do you see God as non existent? Or is He your All in All? Or do you feel you're somewhere in the middle - not "too religious," but you have a "healthy respect?"

God's character never changes. He is Love all the time. He is also Judge all the time, but His justified wrath is the far opposite of what our human anger is; His judgement and anger is deserved. God cannot be around sin, because He is also always Holy; "the wages of sin is death" (Rom. 6:23).

You might wonder, "why do bad things happen, if God is so loving, if He is so Fair?" Why is my loved one dying of cancer? Why is there war? Why is there famine? Abuse? Devastation? Why did my spouse cheat? Why can't I get pregnant? Why are the kids mean to me at school? Why can't I have the family I so desparately long for? Why am I alone? Doesn't God see?! Doesn't He care? Surely not, perhaps you reason, or else He wouldn't let this happen.

To answer the question with a rather broad stroke, human beings must suffer all kinds of things because of our sinful nature. When Eve disobeyed God and took that bite of fruit in Genesis 3, all of humanity was effected. No longer were we a race who could walk & talk with God, no...sin separates us from Him. Unfortunately, we also fight with our loved ones, cheat, lie, get sick and die and so many other things, many done out of our selfish will. So some suffering is unfortunately inevetiable until the day Jesus returns to judge and every knee bows and every tongue confesses Him as Lord. Second, sin bears consequences. Sin against our bodies bears consequences. Sin against others hurts ourselves and others, sometimes on a very huge scale. The only way to be reconciled to God is through Jesus Christ who took our sin on the cross to pay the full penalty for it.

God doesn't want our happiness to be in the pleasures of this world. There are certainly good things that He's given to us; many of our desires are healthy (marriage, having a baby, having food to eat, having there be peace in our own family and worldwide). The problem comes in when we make these things an idol (something we place above God in our lives). The problem comes when you would do anything to get what you want: lie, cheat, steal, hurt someone else, turn your back on the right way of living God has called you to. God wants to be first in our hearts. Why? Because He loves us. He wants His best for us. What is His best? Holiness. Heaven. Communion with Him. The blessings that come with a life of serving Him.

Let me be clear: there is no middle ground with God. You are either for Him or against Him (John 8:42-47). He wants all of you. He doesn't want just the Sunday-church-going-person who then goes out into the week and doesn't give Him a second thought. He wants to walk with you daily. He wants you to talk to Him in prayer about more than just your urgent problems; He is Holy and deserves our praise, our confession and our thanksgiving in addition to hearing our pleas. He wants to talk to you daily through His living and active Word. He says that the Bible is "God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (2 Tim. 3:16-17). He wants you to open it and hear from Him about what to do about your current problem. He wants to give you hope for that situation you think is unbearable. Are you on the fence? Do you think that the claim to being a Christian is enough, that you don't need Him to change you? Do you think that the stuff you do that displeases Him is ok, because, hey, you're "already forgiven?" God desires sanctification (for us to be made holy). He didn't just send Jesus to give us a free pass to act however we want.

God never ever changes. But we do. Do you want to be changed for Him, or do you want to stay the same? I'm not going to sit here and say the process is always 100% comfortable. I'm not going to say that when you accept Jesus or decide to finally take the next step with Him He's been calling you to take that your will is always going to like it. Most of the time, you probably won't. I'm not going to tell you that all your problems will go away. What I will say, and I can promise, because the Bible promises, is that if you fully hand your situations over to God and ask for Him to be glorified in the midst of your suffering, that He will use you for His Glory and not waste your pain, that He will do just that. And He'll grow you up in Him in the process. And let me tell you, even though it sometimes hurts like any growing pains do, it is so well worth it in the end.

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you." Romans 8:5-9

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God. How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen." Romans 11:33-36

"Therefore,we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternl." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." 2 Corinthians 7:1

If you would like to know how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please e-mail me.

The Heart's Desires

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4, NLT

I used to read this verse and think that if I followed all the rules, then God would give me what I want. Ha. Ha. Hahaha! I'm so blessed He's brought me past that wrong way of thinking. Because, guess what? Every time I didn't follow all the rules, I was totally broken and dismayed by my level of guilt, thinking my own inability to please God was the reason I wasn't happy. Romans 3:9b-12 says, "We have already made the charge that Jews & Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written, 'There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one." I could never - never, ever, never - please God on my own. Thank God that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and cover me with His grace, so that now when God looks at me, He sees Jesus' purity and accepts me into His family.

How does one "take delight in the Lord?" By reading His Word, by poring over it and making Him your passion. By carving out the time to form a real, personal relationship with Him just as you would do with your closest friend. What would happen if you didn't carve out time with your friend? The relationship would become stagnant, non-existent. What happens when you don't carve out time for God? You start seeking fulfillment and happiness elsewhere, you start looking for pleasures that abound in the world, but are fleeting and still leave you wanting. The relationship grows stagnant, and God lets you go out and explore...He gives you over to these temporary desires. But these desires, even the good ones (having a good career, finding the love of your life, having a child, making and keeping friends) are still all earthly things, so they still don't fulfill. So, what is God talking about when He says He'll give you your heart's desires? When we delight in the Lord, we start to see things from His Word, His will and His perspective. Simply put, our desires change. They begin to mesh with His desires for our lives, because His desires for us are best. He wants us to be free and at peace and find joy - even when we don't necessarily feel it. There will be hurts, there will be suffering; sometimes our deepest wants won't be met.  But when we make God's desires the center of our heart for our lives, we will be fulfilled in a way that's indescribable. It's indescribably by human terms, because it comes from Him. It's why we can rejoice in suffering, because of the hope He offers.

No one can guess the secret will of God, and you know what? Sometimes it doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair and we just don't understand. The good news is: He does. And someday, when we give it over to Him, He'll show us why He arranged things just so. And we'll say, "Aha! I get it now!"

Waiting for Glory

I titled this blog after Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I love how Paul uses running a race and staying strong and firm so many times in his words and letters. This morning, I read Acts 20:24, "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." This is the kind of life I want to lead. I want to love like Jesus loves. I want to turn from my sin and be pure and holy.

The Lord has really convicted me this morning of some sins I need to turn from. Gossip that sneaks into conversations, a bitter root that's been seeded and watered and is growing in my heart, unforgiveness...among other things. My prayer is that the Lord will help me to turn so fully from these sins that I am like the Ephesians who burned their scrolls of sinful sorcery, so they couldn't turn back to it even if they wanted to. They completely removed the temptation from themselves. (Acts 19:18-20). I am praying about how to do best do this, but I do know that part of it will include being bold in my obedience to Christ, even if others might be "offended" by my passion, even if others might call me obsessed or uptight. After all, the whole purpose of our lives here on earth is to be holy, set apart for God. Paul encouraged the Thessalonians in both of his letters to them to stay strong in God's word and remain obedient to Him. In 1 Thessalonians, the text that really stands out to me is "Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil." (1 Thes. 5:21-22). And in 2 Thessalonians 3:15, Paul writes, "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter." As a Christian, I am not to live this life as the world does, moment by moment, doing whatever feels good at the time, be it entertainment (movies, books, off-color jokes, drinking myself to drunkenness, etc.). I am also not to waste my time away in a saddened state, pondering the big Why's (why did my mom die? why does God allow babies to be raped and killed?). As a Christian, I am called to be passionate and obsessed with God's Word, with living a life that is God-honoring and looking toward Christ's return, living and working for Him. As I read this week, "A person who is obsessed with Jesus thinks about heaven frequently. Obsessed people orient their lives around eternity; they are not fixed only on what is here in front of them." (Francis Chan, Crazy Love).

What is this going to look like in my daily life? Well, one thing is for certain: Scripture makes it very clear to us that true belief in Christ requires obedience to Christ. To have received Jesus as Lord and Savior is shown by careful study and obedience to God's Word. I am so thankful that God has been helping me to get up each morning to spend time with Him before I go on with my day. I am thankful that He's revealed these sins to me and am asking Him to change me from the inside out. I am praying for courage in facing people who want me to compromise, or who may think the compromise isn't compromise but merely something harmless or that perhaps I'm being too uptight. While these words may hurt, I am convinced that having Jesus ask me why I went along with it, with tenderness in His eyes on His Day is going to hurt my heart a whole lot more. I want to make good choices today, no every moment, so that when He comes in Glory, I can be found watching and working for Him.

An Eternal Perspective

I've never been falsely imprisoned. I've never been severely flogged with 40 lashes minus one, let alone been flogged five times. I've never been beaten with a rod, stoned, shipwrecked or spent the night tossed about in the sea. I've always had a home, have never been constantly on the move because of the threat of danger of people or land or sea. I've never gone naked or hungry or severely thirsty. I've never had to narrowly escape death through a hole in my city's wall.

2 Corinthians 11:23-12:12 reads:

"23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.


29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?


30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.31 The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying.32 In Damascus the governor under King Aretas had the city of the Damascus guarded in order to arrest me.


33 But I was lowered in a basket from a window in the wall and slipped through his hands.


2 Corinthians 12


1 I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord.2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know–God knows.3 And I know that this man–whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows–4 was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell.5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.

6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.


7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

11 I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the “super‑apostles,” even though I am nothing.12 The things that mark an apostle–signs, wonders and miracles–were done among you with great perseverance."

Wow, right?!

I've been praying for an eternal perspective. God gave me a glimpse of that this morning as I studied this. I've never suffered like Paul has for the Gospel. I cannot even imagine that type of suffering, let alone being able to say I rejoice over it! I find myself instead complaining and questioning the things that I face that are not comfortable. My "thorn," which is my anxiety, is something I have questioned God about enduring many time over the last seven years, pleading Him to take it time and again and being upset over why He can't do just that. I've finally accepted that, but what amazing obedience Paul shows here - he says he pleaded with God three times to take his thorn from him. After Jesus told him that HIS grace is sufficient, Paul doesn't ask about it again, yet chooses instead to boast in his weakness. I continue to ask God for understanding about my mom's death. Even though I have many wonderful memories right up to the hour she died of my mom, I sometimes find myself focusing on the hard memories, like her illness and the moment she died. Like I heard someone say last week about Stephen & James being persecuted to death for the sake of Christ (Acts 7, Acts 12), God may not have delivered Stephen & James the way Peter was delivered in Acts 12 from prison (freed by an angel to continue doing God's work), but they were still delivered. And you know what? These men were delivered in a far better way that Peter or Paul from his sufferings he lists above - Stephen & James were delivered right into the arms of Jesus, just as my mom was. It is important that I keep an eternal perspective. God's got my mom now, and I can trust that I'll see her someday. Jesus will strengthen my faith and my ministry through the emotional and physical sufferings that I am now and inevitably will endure on this planet. In my weakness, however, He is strong. He is mighty. He is unstoppable. I want to be a part of His purpose. I want to look to Him, not everything around me. I want my mantra to be, "God use me, use this circumstance," rather than, "why God, why?." God is so good to answer our prayers in a mighty way; I've seen it time and again in His Word, the lives of others I know and in my own life. Although I may not ever see the answers to some of my prayers for understanding this side of heaven,  I know that (if I still even care when I get there) He will answer abundantly someday. God, will you please use me until then?