Hope

“Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent” Mignon McLaughlin

I read this on a blog the other day, and I think it's beautiful. I've been missing my mom like crazy the past couple of days. Little things are making me cry..."The Best Day" by Taylor Swift on my iPod, Zooey saying all kinds of new words this week and not being able to tell her, Zooey eating a stick of gum - wrapper and all - and swallowing it and not hearing my dad retell the story to her, her laughter that would follow such a story. I wish she could see all the artwork Zooey's been bringing home from her outings. I missed calling her after BSF last Monday to tell her how the first class night went, how many students I had and what touched me from the lecture...or on Saturdays after leader's to chat; that was one of the times we always talked (if she wasn't at my house already babysitting Zooey). I caught a GI bug that Zooey and Ryan both had in the last two weeks. I also started my role as a MOPS discussion group leader...my stomach started really hurting right when I got to the church (can anyone say opposition?? but that's off topic). I SO wanted to call my mom and be a big baby and whine about how I'm not feeling good. I also wanted to tell her how MOPS went; I know if she was here she'd be excited to hear about it. No matter if she came over or not, my mom was, and still is, the one I want when I don't feel well. No one can quite care for you when you get sick the way your mom does, right? I have a voicemail from her saved on my phone from the last time I got sick - just calling to check on me. I miss her so much my heart aches. I cannot even tell you all the little times throughout my week when tears prick my eyes, because I just have an overwhelming sense of loss. Yes, my friends, the pain truly runs deep.

The quote above, however is so true. These feelings of grief are not permanent. While I'm sure some of them will be with me forever, at Christmas, graduations, weddings...funerals, I know that as I heal, these intense feelings will fade. Knowing this provides me with hope that I can get through. As I started our study of Acts at BSF this year, I know that this hope doesn't come from me, it comes from Jesus. His Holy Spirit is the One enabling me to work through all these tough feelings, to get up and do all that I need to do in my service to Him and, as silly as it sounds, to face my first bug without her here. He will enable me to get through this, and by His grace alone, I pray that He will glorify Himself through this. I hope and I pray that He will use this pain and this situation to His glory. I pray that others may come to know Christ. I pray that He will make me an effective witness for the gospel as Acts 1:8 says I'm commanded to do. You see, my ultimate, never-ending, consistent, beautful HOPE through this grieving process stems from Jesus' death on the Cross, and the gift of eternal life. I hope in the promise of Jesus that I will see my mom again someday. I know I'll still be shocked with these painful feelings in my life here on earth, but when I get to heaven and see Jesus face-to-face, when I get to embrace my mom and bow down with her before the throne of God, then these feelings will be permanently erased.

23 months

It's hard to believe that next month I will be typing the words, "Zooey is 2!" Wow, how time flies. This past month was so much fun, as is every month with Zooey. She is growing so fast, and as you can see from the pictures, she's truly a little girl now; no baby remains. It's a little bittersweet, but this age is awesome! Even though we have to work through our share of tantrums, I love how Zooey explores, learns, plays and interacts at this age. She is such a joy to watch and play with.

We started doing some learning time at home this month. Zooey's been learning a different letter, color, shape and number each week, as well as a new Scripture verse, passage of Scripture and a story from her children's Bible. It is fun to see the confidence she shows when she learns something new, for example, last week she learned the letter "B," and by the end of the week she could find the letter "B" on the fridge. Last week's Bible verse was John 1:3, "God created all things," and by the end of the week, she'd point at the verse and say, "God." She also loves her Bible, and is now pointing to it and naming it by name - so awesome to see God working in her little life! She is a very smart little girl.

I weighed Zooey at home, and she weighs 25 lbs. She's now in some 2T clothes, but mostly 24 month clothes, still, because she's short like her mommy & daddy. Zooey is very curious (& very stubborn) and will take our finger or hand when she wants to check something out, or if we tell her no (she things if we do it, it's ok :) ). She's starting to say more words more frequently, like "eat," "diaper," "potty," "good job," "Grandpa," and "baby." Speaking of potty, we haven't started potty-training, yet, but you'll probably see a post on that pretty soon. Zooey's getting very close to being potty ready. The last thing I'm kind of waiting on is for her to tell me when she's about to go. Zooey also loves, loves, loves babies! She's very curious about them, and she wants to touch them. She loves her baby doll that RaRa got her, and she likes to take it almost everywhere we go. Zooey also loves to color. We had to talk about not coloring on the walls or the fridge this month, but this girl loves coloring! It's an activity where we both win, because Mommy can get a couple things done while Zooey colors, and she would do it all day, probably, if I let her. Zooey has really started to like bouncing toys, like the zebra at the gym and the turtle at home that she climbs on and bounces up and down on. She continues to like books, but she's in a phase where she wants to "read" herself, so we don't get to read together for too long these days. Zooey takes everything in, good and bad, and she has started to become our little mimics. She wants to brush her hair, cook and put on makeup like Mommy. She follows Daddy all over the house and tries to copy what he's doing, like the dishes. She's also starting to try to mimic words, and if I'm frustrated about something, she'll raise her little voice to the same tone and level as mine. It's been kind of a wake up call, because I don't raise my voice very often, but seeing how she wants to be just like the adults around her has caused me to constantly think about what I'm going to say or do before I do it, which I should already be doing as a Christian. :)

Mothering Zooey continues to be my biggest responsibility and greatest joy. As I heard someone say this past week, it's the hardest job I'll ever love. That's so true, and it's so amazing of God to give me such a sweet little blessing.

One Month

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I dreamt we were sitting in my living room having coffee and just talking about life. In my dream I knew she was dead, and as the conversation progressed, she started writing things down, so I'd remember them. Then all of the sudden, I was telling her I was so happy to have had this visit with her and when would she be back. She said she had to go, and she was gone. The dream was so real, so vivid...it felt like I was just having a normal moment with my mom, one of those moments I miss so much lately. It's so hard to put into words the emotions that I've been experiencing. I guess that's because words like "missing" and "sad" or don't come close. There truly are no words to describe one's own personal journey with grief, so we just try to come as close to possible in our explanation in hopes that we can purge a little bit of those emotions out of ourselves. I woke up and went to my "Thirty Days of Grief Prayers" brochure that my counselor gave me and copied down the prayer for today, "Today I feel weak, Lord. I know if I push away my weakness, I push you away as well. If I let myself feel my weakness, You are near with Your strength and Your comfort. Help me to trust." This prayer really summed it up for me. I awoke wishing I could push the memory of my dream and the emotions that came with waking far away and never think about them again. The thoughts and feelings that I was having, although painful, are something that God can use to draw me closer to Him. The painful stuff is stuff that He uses; He never wastes it, but He uses it to make me more beautiful before Him and to bring me closer to glory. I am so thankful that He keeps drawing me close, that He keeps whispering to me to trust Him and to lean on Him instead of my way of doing things. Without Him, I am nothing.