Thank You Jesus

Well, Thanksgiving's come and gone, and although I didn't spend as much time as I should have on the day pondering all that I am grateful for this year, I am pondering it now. Sure, we went around the table and talked about what we were thankful for, and my list looked something like this:

Jesus
Ryan
Zooey
Tennyson
Family and renewed relationships

My mind cannot wrap itself around my heart and all the feelings that are associated with that list. More than ever this year, I have been struck with my sin, especially my sinful habits, and just how undeserving I am of Jesus' love. His love is so rich, His grace is so abundant. I am fully undeserving, and it makes me appreciate His sacrifice so much more than I think I ever have. I am thankful for sanctification. I am thankful that Jesus has grabbed my hand and is taking me along a lifelong journey with Him, one on which He will never let me go, where I will end it by looking into His eyes, His sweet face, and be brought to glory, fully sanctified before Him. I am thankful, that even though it hurt my pride, that He showed me what sins I need to be rid of, and I'm so thankful that I don't have to do it on my own. I'm thankful He showed me just how much I was trying to do that and how I was sweeping some of it under the rug, so to speak, but that it was just damaging me more and more, and that He has claim over my heart, because He calls me daughter and He has healed me. I feel inadequate, so inadequate, to serve Him, but He has called me to teach His Word to little children and He has called me to be a mommy to two precious little ones...despite my inadequacy...and I am thankful I don't have to do that alone, either. I'm thankful that His Spirit gives me power and strength and words to speak and patience in the moment when I whisper those arrow prayers, because I am this.close to losing my mind. I am thankful that at the end of the day, when I often replay all my "mistakes," that He is gently reminding me that those shameful reminders do NOT come from Him, and He can make all things new.

I am thankful that Jesus held me when I was in the pit of postpartum anxiety, and I felt like my world was crashing down around me and I was losing my mind. I am thankful for the sisters in Christ that He gave me who prayed over me and the one He gave me who prayed for me in the middle of the night when she got up to pee, because she knew that's when my anxiety was the worst. For the friend who would listen and remind me of Jesus' strength and how He wasn't surprised but always has a plan. For the sisters who came up to me and confided that they too had battled it and were praying for me and let me know if I needed them they were there. I am thankful for Sarah who would listen and tell me I wasn't a bad person, who would text me prayers and who would remind me of the techniques I knew to help me calm down. I am thankful for Ryan, who I could be brutally honest with during that time, who listened then reaffirmed that I am sane and who would then hug me and pray with me. I am thankful that Jesus pulled me out of the pit, too. He is there, even in the darkest moments of our lives.

I am thankful for Ryan. I am thankful that God gave me someone who is so "chill" and doesn't indulge my every freak-out. I am thankful for the father he is, how he is silly and lets Zooey put tiaras on him and listens to her stories about Jake and Peter Pan, even when she's told them fifty times in an afternoon. I am thankful for his strength, for his sure and steady faith, for the ways he says, "No I'm not worried; God's not surprised," and the way he holds me as he prays over the concerns of our family and how he is a great model of how to leave it there with Jesus and stop dwelling on it.

I am thankful for my Zooey bug and the lessons God is teaching me through her. She is so kind, gentle, compassionate. She loves big and forgives easily. She is spunky and easygoing. She brings so much joy to my life!

I am thankful for my little Tennyson, who I prayed for for so long. He is a blessing from God! I look at his sweet face and am again in awe of the miracle of life and how God knits together little babies inside their mother's wombs.

I am thankful for Sarah and how God has brought us closer together through our little boys. I am so grateful that I get to study God's Word with her at BSF, which is something I got to do with my mom. I feel like God granted us this time together. I am thankful for her encouragement and love and prayers and the way she can make me laugh, sometimes harder than anyone else can. That girl is funny!

I am also thankful for time spent with family on Thanksgiving and for memories that will last a lifetime. For my dad and my grandma, who cared for me when I was a baby and who love my babies now. It was a blessed day!

Tennyson's Newborn and Family Pictures

Here are some of our favorite pictures that Kelsey from Smitten By A Promise took when Tennyson was one week old. I am so happy we decided to do this professionally this time around and have these sweet pictures to capture this time in our lives.

To Santa or Not to Santa ?

We have gone back and forth and back and forth (and back and forth!) about whether to celebrate Christmas with Santa in our home. It's funny, before we had Zooey, I just assumed, neigh - I KNEW - we'd do Santa. Then I became a parent, and I reconsidered. As a Christian, is it ok to do Santa? Hmmm. We have done it so far. This year, because Zooey's old enough to understand, and probably even remember, I thought about it a little more in depth. I decided, after praying and talking to some wise women, that we are going to have the magic of Santa in our home. This will be a big family game of pretend. Zooey is really starting to use her imagination, and so, going forward, when we talk to her about Santa, it will be as a make-believe story that we all pretend as a family. I respect you if you feel differently, and I totally get it. Ryan & I love Jesus, and I grew up thinking Christmas was magical because Santa was coming. I remember thinking I heard reindeer footprints on the roof with sleighbells ringing. I remember running to the window to look for Santa's sleigh. I stayed up almost all night one year with Sarah to see if we'd see Santa (until my mom came in and told us we'd better get back in bed because Santa doesn't come when kids are awake!). It was fun. It was special. Those are some of the best Christmas memories I have.

And you know what? After reflecting, praying, thinking, talking to Ryan...I NEVER ONCE doubted that Jesus is the true reason for Christmas. I never once thought He was pretend. I never once thought my parents were cruel for "lying" to me. Looking back, I think I always kind of knew Santa was a great game of imagination. But there was never any question in my mind even as a young girl that Jesus is real. So, we're going to let Zooey experience the magic* that I remember of being a little girl, and my hope is she'll find some of the joy and fun memories that I had as child will be something she has, too. I'm excited to see her join in the story with us.

One thing we will not be doing, however, is using Santa or the Elf on the Shelf (see a future post - just got it today and I'm excited!) to try to manipulate Zooey's behavior to get gifts or favor. We want to focus on Zooey's heart, and a heart that loves Jesus will automatically pour forth a life offering to Him that is pleasing. We will tell Zooey that Santa comes to bring Christmas cheer and magic to little kids, and he gives gifts to kids whether they deserve it or not. And as long as she wants to pretend and believe Santa is coming, we will play with her.

*Am I saying your kid will not have fun memories and magic if you don't do Santa? Absolutely not! Please know I support you in whatever your choice for your family, and this post was in no way meant to debate with or offend anyone. :) I merely want to remember all this stuff when I get old and gray and the details of the parenting journey gets harder and harder to remember.

I realize I've been pretty quiet on the blogging front, but that's because life's been pretty busy on the home front! Zooey just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and so many times each day I realize she's really a big girl now. We play, run errands, go do exciting things, and all day I love to see her excitement over life in general. Just today, we went to Sarah's to take her lunch, and Zooey was flat-out-overjoyed looking through the door at the dogs. We got home, and she giggled and pet Tiny as he jumped all over her and licked her face. Ah, to find joy in such little moments...luckily, I do get to experience joy just watching her. More about Zooey to come in her 32! month update.

I'm training for my first triathlon in two years and getting pumped for that. It's on June 17th and it's one I've done before. I'm excited and nervous, but I feel somewhat confident having done the course before. My swim is a little weak, but so far my bike and run are on target. My goal will be to run the entire run segment this race, which I have only done in one other tri. I've been really run-focused this time out, so I'm hoping that helps. I have also been reading about nutrition and hydration and realizing that I probably need to drink more fluids during the bike so I don't hit the wall on the run when temps get up to low 90's.

On another note of health, Ryan and I are going to do the Paleo Diet, me the one for athletes and him the regular one. I started yesterday and so far am only having mad sugar cravings in the evening when I normally load up on some candy. Which is exactly why I wanted to do this diet - to be more healthy and also to eat more protein, which I know I'm lacking on in my diet and need for training.

We are enjoying the summer so far and have been able to get out and swim and watch Zooey in the baby pool. Ryan is working hard on getting his garden going. He's going to plant his delicious tomatoes tomorrow and even try for a pumpkin this year. I love fresh produce! He's so good, and he tends to it so well; we had amazing veggies last year.

So, basically, our lives are going about pretty normally at the moment, and I am relishing the blessing of the family God has given me. I hope you are well!

Glimpses of Heaven

I am extra thankful these days for little random blessings. Things like Zooey somehow reaching her wipes when she should've been napping yesterday, hearing her laughing up a storm and going in to find all the wipes in her crib and her shorts soaking wet. She thought that was quite fun! Or today, when I took my first-ever nap with her all cuddled up against me...this is something I never thought I'd do, but when you have a teething toddler and you're totally exhausted, it just kind of happens. Watching my little girl play in the yard with Sarah's dogs today was a nice reprieve. Having Ryan here today was awesome and added a sense of normalcy to my life. I feel overwhelmingly blessed by the prayer support of those who know me, my mom and my family...Sarah and I were talking today, and that we know of at least 80 people who are praying for us - wow, God is amazing. Our whole family is blessed by the meals brought to us and the offers to watch Zooey. Thank you!

Yesterday she saw someone out the window that we couldn't see and then asked us how the others get on. Last night I was in with my mom, laying my head at the foot of her bed after giving her her medication and talking to her for a little while. She woke up, but she didn't look at me. She was looking up and nodding, saying, "OK." She said, "Help me," then reached up and hugged someone; she said, "OK" and nodded again. We believe this is God at work answering the prayers to be present with my mom to give her peace. I can literally feel a sense of peace when I walk in her room, even when it's an upsetting moment. I can tell the Lord is present, and it is here, sitting quietly by her bed, that I am prompted to pray, to worship and to read His Word. Thank you for your prayers, and thank You, Jesus, for giving us these glimpses of You and strengthening our faith.

Her nausea is staying away, thank God. She is still swallowing and still waking up to talk to us for bits of time. We were told today that she may be in an unresponsive/comatose state by the weekend...of course, only God knows His real timing, but it is so sad that we are getting so close. She fell today trying to get up to go to the bathroom by herself. It was pretty scary; the Hospice nurse was here, thankfully, and she is going to get us an alarm system to put on the bed. Please pray that this would completely eliminate her falling (this is the 2nd time it's happened) and that we would hear her and attend to her quickly, even if we're sleeping. Please pray for my sister, Sarah, to be able to sleep. Pray that God would hold us, especially my poor, sweet dad in His arms. He is just at a complete loss...it breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for being the hands and feet of Jesus to us.

I feel like time has stopped. Things seem to freeze or go fast, and I feel out of sorts. We can be talking and laughing one minute and the next I will look at my mom, sleeping, and become so deeply sad that she won't be joining in our conversation like she used to. Although she is still my mom, everything is different. Although she is still alive, and I'm cherishing every moment I get to spend with her, I am already missing her and the way things used to be. I see a pair of earrings, and I cry, because I know she's not going to wear them to go out to lunch or come visit Zooey. I cry when I put her laundry away, knowing that she's only wearing nightgowns now. It saddens me when she tries to whisper something to us and she's so weak that we cannot understand her.

I worry over the fact she fell last night and couldn't get up...what if we don't hear her and she falls again?

Yesterday afternoon her blood pressure had dropped from about 98/70ish to 80/52. Today we woke up and went in to her room to find that she hadn't changed positions in eight hours and had been sound asleep the whole time. Her mouth was so dry it broke my heart, and her hands and feet are bluish grey. She is starting to have a hard time swallowing, and when Hospice came today they said that she will probably lose her ability to swallow in the next couple of days. She was prescribed a stronger pain patch for when that happens, so that she will remain comfortable and able to sleep.

I was SO blessed to be able to sit with her today for about 30 minutes praying and singing hymns as she was half asleep and resting; it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do this without breaking down in tears. After we were done, she said, "It's going to happen. Where is she?" We found out she meant my grandma. We feel it's going to be soon. I was priveleged to be able to read the Bible, some of my mom's favorite marked passages, to her and my family and experience God's peace come in the room. It was shortly after these times of worship that my mom was looking around the room asking, "What's that?" and telling us that she saw lights. I am certain that our Lord and His angels are present with her as she is close to being called home to Heaven. I marvel at this and wonder what kind of divine experience death is when you know Jesus, when you get so close you can see His light and hear His voice. I am sure my mom is being very blessed, very comforted and is experiencing Jesus' Love in a way unimaginable.

When my grandpa died, someone told me that it is a privelege to be with someone as they have one foot here and one foot in heaven, and I have to say, while this journey is heartbreaking, it has been a privelege to be with her and spend this time with her. It is also really encouraging me to tell others how I feel before it's too late. Jesus was always so open with His love and affection and even when He was disappointed...we are to follow His example in our life and our relationships; I want to be more like Him in this way.

As I sit down to type this, I have so many emotions going through me that it is hard to know exactly where I'm at. Depression, Anger...still some Denial, and even I have to ask myself, how is that possible? Hospice is now coming daily to visit my mom. She is sleeping most of the time; thank God that He offered a new course of treatment for the nausea and diarrhea that were not leting her rest for several days earlier this week. She doesn't wake too much, and when she does she is often confused. In her lucid moments she is saying what needs to be said about her love, concerns and her past. It is so hard to see her down this path, but I also feel very blessed that I get to walk along side her, to tell her how much I love her and to be able to comfort her and provide things for her - a back rub, a drink. She hasn't eaten in several days, but she is still drinking. Elizabeth, her nurse, said yesterday that my mom is at the few weeks mark, meaning she could go anywhere from 1-3 weeks.

On Monday (can it be that it was only Monday? that conversation feels like it was 2 weeks ago!), Elizabeth told us to be sure to tell her it is ok to go when it's time and that we will miss her but will be alright. We've all told her this, even my grandma, who my mom is very concerned about. It was very hard for my dad to tell her that. When we asked him if he was going to tell her, he broke down crying and said how can he tell her that when he's never going to be ok? It breaks my heart to see him and my sister in pain. I think it helped her for us to tell her that, though. It was at that point she opened up to us about how ready she is to go Home.

A dear friend told me yesterday about how her friend has been a Hospice nurse for a long time. My friend's best friend of 25 years died several months ago of cancer, and the nurse told her that in all her years of being a hospice nurse, there's one thing she is certain of and that is when someone knows Christ that He is completing a Holy work in them right up to the end. She said that she's never seen a moment wasted, and although she doesn't understand it, she's seen it many times. She said that Christians can be assured that not a moment of their life is wasted; He is completing His work in them right up to the moment He is ready to bring them home to Glory. This really comforted me, and I believe it 100%.

If you are praying for my mom, please pray the following:

~Her one request is that He would take her soon and quickly.

~God would keep the nausea/GI problems away and that He would let her be in comfort and in as little pain as possible.

~God would wrap His loving arms around her and let her feel His presence.
~He would protect her and our family from opposition.

~He would comfort our family.

~He would protect our health.

An Early Birthday Celebration

Tonight was a special night, because tonight we celebrated Zooey's birthday a little early (lucky girl gets 2 birthday parties for her 2nd year...not a precedent for years to come! :)). I have really been grieving the loss of a grandma for Zooey and have been upset over the fact that my mom will most likely not be here for Zooey's birthday in October, so someone suggested having an early birthday party with my mom. Wow! Such a good idea! This idea brought tears to my eyes, and I immediately told my mom about it. My mom was very excited, and I think she might've been thinking about missing Zooey's birthday, too. It was such a blessing to have a small get-together tonight with our immediate family to celebrate Zooey's life with my mom present.

One of the things I love most about my mom is what a wonderful grandma she is. The joy and love that pour out of her for my sweet girl just astound me. Every time Zooey did something cute tonight, from devouring her pizza, to coyly pulling out the tissue paper from her gift bags, to savoring her cake, my mom lit up. I was so glad she got to experience this, as it is always so evident that Zooey brings such joy to her heart. I am so thankful for the idea and thankful we got to do this. We took a ton of pictures, some of which are in a slideshow below, and I will cherish tonight forever.

I will tell my little girl about how much her family loves her, that her grandma loves her & she loves her grandma so much! I will show her these pictures and the joy on my mom's face tonight. I will remember going shopping and how I got to spend that time with my mom picking out the perfect doll and how I went over to show her the decorations that Zooey picked out and how her grandma was so excited to have a party for her, to celebrate her. Tonight was special indeed; I feel very blessed that God gave our family this sweet time.

Time

I feel like time is moving exceptionally fast. I have an almost-two-year-old. I just turned 30. Time with my mom, though, is the thing that seems to be so fleeting. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and all I want is to be near her. I know for many of you, it's been awhile since you've received an update about her. The blunt way to say it is that she's getting worse. She still gets out and about, coming to visit Zooey or going out to eat with us, but her pain level is definitely increased and she's much more tired. Her heart rate is high all the time, which the Hospice nurses say are due to her pain level. Her nurse this week told her that it would not be a surprise to him if it was her heart that did her in, not the cancer. To hear that was very scary for me, because we all know how heart issues can take a person quickly, suddenly...without any warning. I sometimes feel that if she continued to live forever here on this earth, as did I, there would not be enough time or moments to remember or to tell her how I feel about her. Those are the thoughts that cause my heart to sieze in panic, thinking that we truly have such a short time left together, and I still have so much I want to say, so much I wish we could do. I pray that God will give me the time, the words and the guts to express all that I need to before He calls her home. I love her so much.

While this time is very distressful, I have to say I am constantly amazed to be loved by such a big God, the One who holds me in the night when I can't fall back to sleep. The One who gives me just the right passage of Scripture I need on difficult days, like this one from a sweet friend who knows that I've been having even more difficulty sleeping due to unrelated things: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." ~Psalm 3:5. The One who reminds me in those sleepless times that I must continue to praise Him and thank Him for the blessings, because without that kind of perspective it is so hard to see the hope He has for me. The One who reminds me after a workout that He created our bodies to thrive on this earth for a time, breathing and moving healthily, but like Ecclesiastes tells us, there is also "a time to die." I am so thankful to be His princess, a daughter of the Most High King.

It's a Sad Sad Sad Sad World

The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.

I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.

This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.

I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?

The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11

Concerned But Not Without Hope

My mom had her PET scan review with Dr. B (the oncologist) on Wednesday. The news is not so great. She apparently has a large pleurel effusion in her left lung lining, where the lobe they removed would be. She also has a mass showing metabolic activity and some new lymph node activity, including some in her neck. Dr. B & Dr. N (the pulmonologist) both feel that it is highly unlikely that these things alone and in combination are a result of the sarcoids, and they feel that it is a sign of cancer.

She had blood work yesterday, and today she had the procedure done to drain the fluid in her lung. They said the fluid was yellow, which apparently is a good color if there has to be fluid. She has to just kind of take it easy and not lift anything heavy for about a week. She will meet with Dr. B next Wednesday to discuss the results. Dr. B considers her lung cancer non-smoker's cancer and will test her past tumor (and if it's cancer this time) to verify what type of cancer it is. If it is the type that is related to a gene, there are two pills she can take daily, giving her approximately 18 mos. - 2 yrs. of life. If it is the other type of cancer, Dr. B estimates she has 3-8 mos. left, maybe more because my mom is young and in pretty good shape. In this case, they will offer her pallative care and a type of more mild chemo ("not a toxic kind" my mom said) and switch it once it stops working.

This news is so devastating to me. I don't understand why it's happening. It hurts so much, and of course the waiting is so hard. I feel like God has prepared me for this, whatever may come, though, through my study of Isaiah this year. Throughout the book He promises Christ's return and the hope we have that we will someday be with Him and our loved ones again. His compassion is so evident to His people throughout the chapters. God keeps bringing the truths and lessons to my mind as I pray and seek Him. From the notes last week: "God's purposes in discipline of His people are always change, reunion with Him, and restoration. Not all 'attacks' or stuggles are brought on by God in response to sin, but He uses hardships to make His own children resilient and focused in faith." (italics mine) There has been an ongoing theme that He has placed on my heart: Go to God first. Go to God no matter what the circumstance. The circumstance may not change, you may not understand, but go to Him who never changes and is in perfect control to offer you perfect peace. Go to the One who gave His life for you, so that you can experience His merciful compassion. Everything and everyone else offers a false sense of security; go to Him with your anxiety and your troubles. He doesn't change. He is JUST, He is FAIR when life isn't. He is ALWAYS there. These are the lessons I'm holding onto, because honestly, there's nothing else I can do. I'm praying so hard that He will heal her, that the cancer's not there, but I'm praying equally hard that if that's not His will that He will draw me closer to Him, help me to minister to my family and that He will hold each of us, especially my mom, so close that we can feel Him.

God has been so faithful to point things out to me when I open my Bible. Just this morning, when doing my lesson, I read "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." This is the promise that believers in Christ have to look forward to. Even when death is feared, there is hope in Christ.

We are in the full swing of the Christmas season. In eight days, we will be sitting around a dinner table with family and friends and opening gifts. Many of us will go to church, some of us may only go this one night a year. Will you take a moment this year to ponder what exactly it is you're celebrating? God Himself came to earth, put skin on and walked among us. He willingly stepped out of the perfection of Heaven in his Glory and placed Himself in this life - this life where there's so much pain, sorrow, suffering, all because of our sin - and then He willingly took a beating and died a gruesome death that we all deserve to die, so that each person who chose Him might be free. Free from sin, free to really live, free to have hope & peace in the midst of fear and pain. When we celebrate Christmas, we are celebrating the beginning of Jesus' life on earth, the miracle of God becoming Man, so that He could become the only Perfect sacrifice for you and for me. I pray that your Christmas is filled with His rich blessings, peace and Hope.

Remission

My mom had a PET scan about 2 weeks ago, and she met with her oncologist on Wednesday to go over the results. The doctor said the scans look as good as she'd like to see them, and she'd consider my mom in remission. Praise God! This is just such an awesome blessing. Here is a copy of the update she wanted sent out:

"I went to see my oncologist today to get the results of my PET scan. She was very happy and said the results were very good! The mass is the lung is almost completely resolved. She said there was no cancer in the lung. I do have some pleural thickening in the lower left lobe. We have already discussed this and I can feel it, so that was no surprise. The lymph nodes are still enlarged and calcified and is most likely due to the sarcoidosis.She said I was given the best treatment for my condition and she is very optimistic given my unusual situation. Then she told me that I was in remission. Yay! I am very happy with this report and I praise God for helping me each and every step along this difficult road. I will return for another PET scan in four months. My life is on God's hands. I just want to live each day in a way that pleases Him and to enjoy His many blessings; many that I have taken for granted.Thanks again for your prayers!"

This was just such awesome news to get. I am so incredibly happy and am giving thanks to God for this blessing.

What's normal?

Life seems "back to normal" with the Cancer situation. Mom's back at work. She looks healthy, once again. Will things ever really be back to normal though? Will we all be waiting for the call after a scan - the call that says "the cancer's back"? It's extra hard, I think, in Mom's case, because of the sarcoidosis. Stupid things won't ever let them see if they even got it all. They'll be able to do comparison scans with what they've done and will do to see if there are any changes, but since the sarcoids look dark on the scan just like cancer, they'll never really be able to tell if they got it all. Ugh. It's scary. I find myself praying at night, "Please don't let her die, God. Please don't let her die." Of course, I seek God's will for her. Selfishly, though? I just want her here. I cannot imagine it. I don't let my mind go there. I read the statistics for lung cancer funding, and it makes me sick. Things like "The underfunding of lung cancer has kept its survival rate as low as it was in 1971." " 53% of lung cancer in women is not attributed to smoking." "Lung cancer is the leading cause of all cancer deaths for both men and women, accounting for 30% of all cancer deaths." I don't really know what the point of this post was...to vent, maybe? To ask for your prayers? Probably. I just continue to pray that it's gone and that we will never see it again.

I've been slacking on my blogging...

We will see how long this post is, as I think Zooey's in the process of dropping a nap and I may have to go get her very shortly. Life with a baby = little time to blog. There is so much that's been happening on all the fronts of my happy little blog.

On the "oh my gosh does she really think we care" front, we made the decision this week to eat less meat and try (insert overexaggerated drumroll) tofu! For those that know Ryan, this is a BIG deal. And get this - much of it was his idea! So far, we've tried a lovely little tofu stirfry that I threw together for lunch: tofu cubes sauteed in olive oil and garlic then stir fry in the brocolli, purple onion and red bell pepper seasoned with soy sauce and hot sauce; serve over hot brown rice. Delicious! I also made tofu spaghetti, which tasted like spaghetti sauce. I was in a hurry, but I'll let you know how it goes when I decide to actually make my own sauce. I'm excited about this change and hope it will last, as I know it is much healthier for us. We aren't foregoing meat completely, we just won't be eating it as much as we were. If you have any good bean or tofu recipes (or cookbook referrals), please let me know! My husband will not eat a dish with only veggies - there has to be some source of protein. I promise to share any good recipes I come across, too.

Growing in the importance scale here, Zooey is finally on a four hour routine. For those who follow Baby Wise or the Baby Whisperer type of routine, you know that it is nice to have blocks of 2+ hours when you don't have to be home, so "baby can nap." Plus, with all the nap problems we were having, I'm happy to report that the extended schedule actually helped her daytime sleep (I was sooo scared it would hinder it), and she's getting the rest she needs. She's also extra super happy, even with an impending leap on the way, and I promise to post some uber cute 8 month pic's in :sniff, sniff: a week.

It has been so nice to get out and about this summer. So far we've been to the zoo twice, the aquarium and the botanical gardens. I was thinking this morning how this time of year used to be so exciting, because it meant Ryan & I would be heading on our "anniversary vacation." This year, I'm just excited that Zooey's growing and can do more. Along with her physical growth, her sense of wonder grows by the minute, and it's so fun to watch her get interested in things and figure out the way the world works.

My mom finished her chemo and radiation this week. I know I've been somewhat silent on this topic on my blog, but that is because I had so many raw personal emotions about the subject that I decided to journal elsewhere rather than make it so public. It's been a trying experience for our family to watch her go through this. This past week has been extra hard on her, and she's having a very rough weekend. The sensation of not being able to get comfortable no matter what she tries is driving her crazy. The dr. gave her some med's to help her relax, and we're all praying that they will work quickly. In the midst of this whole thing, God continues to answer our prayers. She hasn't thrown up, not once. She had insurance and financial worries answered this week in a positive way. God has shown us all verses and sent us people to encourage us. My faith has grown and once again I have learned how dependent I must be on Christ and how He is in control - not me. I know some of you read this to learn how she is doing, and I wanted to tell you that her treatment has ended. Please continue to pray for quick recovery and that the treatment got rid of all cancer cells with no return.

And...I'm done with the post and it looks like I may even have time to prepare dinner before she wakes up. So nice!

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Do you remember that song from when you were little? I sing it to Zooey before her naps (we used to just do "Jesus Loves Me," but she started to cry the second she heard it and I thought that most inappropriate). :) haha. Anyway, I digress. I sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" then it's "me and you and Daddy," "Grandma and Grandpa," "Aunt RaRa & Uncle Rey..." you get the picture. I was thinking today as I sang what a true, simple statement that is. As my mom began her treatment today, I cried several times throughout the day. I hate to think of her hooked up to poison and the radiation shooting into her body. I hate that she feels fine now, but that the side effects to lead to a hopeful cure can be so rough. I prayed all day that God would minimize those side effects for my sweet mom. And the tune "He's got MY mom" in His hands played over and over and over. I'm so thankful for that sweet children's song to get me through today. John tells us that no one can snatch us out of His hand when we are His. Grateful doesn't begin to express how I feel that nothing - no illness, no disease, no person, nothing - can snatch my mom out of His hand. I can't control her situation, but I'm so glad I have such a big God to entrust her to.

Before and Easter

I noticed that I look at pictures of my mom, and I think "before cancer." I then get very sad and think about how much better things were before we had this diagnosis hanging over our heads every minute of every day. I wonder if I will always think this way? I wonder if things will ever feel "normal" again without the gigantic fat elephant invading my brain and every family event and conversation. We were sitting around talking today, and we admitted that we were thinking "what if this is her last Easter?" I realize these thoughts are normal. I realize that as part of grief I will think these things for every major event this year and maybe next year. I realize that the emotion that comes with grief hits the hardest at certain times or seasons. It just sucks. I mean, there's really no better way to say it other than cancer sucks, and I hate it. Oh, and grief sucks, too.

My mom met with Dr. B. this week to discuss her treatment options. As we were informed by Dr. L. after her surgery, her cancer has a final staging of stage 2. Dr. B. explained once again how the sarcoidosis has made her lymph nodes super hard (Dr. L. told her he'd never seen anything like it), so they were unable to take the full lung out which is what they would normally try to do in a situation like hers where cancer was found in these lymph nodes and where some other mass was spotted. In the next three weeks, she is to eat a lot of protein and try to gain some weight. Sometime around April 19th, she will begin radiation treatment five days a week for 7 weeks, and on the first & last 6 days of that she will also undergo chemo. Here is where I stopped typing for a bit to gather my thoughts and emotions. My mom is...scared. I cannot imagine. I myself am scared to see her go through all that pain. Scared to see her ill and weak and unable to eat. I mean, who wants to see their mom - the one who nourished them from birth, the one who painstakingly cared for them when they were sick, the strong one, the one they still call up when they don't feel good or need advice - undergo such treatments? No one I know of. However, I know that the treatment beats not treating it. Stage 2 gives her a statistic of a 50-60% survival rate, which brings us all hope.

I went to a first birthday party yesterday. When the boy's mommy handed him off to someone else, he would start crying and looking for her. She had to reassure him she was there, either by rubbing his back or talking to him gently or holding him. That's how I feel. I feel like a one year old with separation anxiety who clings with all their might to their mommy, except in this case, the one I am clinging to is Jesus. He's the ONLY constant. I don't know what I would do without Him, and as I celebrated Easter this year and thought about all He endured and how He conquered death victoriously and rose from the dead, the thing that touched my heart and my soul the most was that Jesus walked in human flesh, so He gets it. He gets pain. He gets suffering. He gets temptation. And I am thankful beyond words that my Lord put on skin and died for me. Without Him, I would be completely lost; I would be nothing. In this and every situation, I wouldn't know where to turn. He is constant. He is Savior. He is my Comfort and my Friend. Praise be to God for His great sacrifice and the victory He alone could claim.

On another note, Zooey had great fun this Easter. She really likes going to church and being in the nursery; all the workers say she's a great baby and loves to watch the other babies. I bet she's thinking of how fun it will be when she can crawl around! We had a nice brunch at our house with my parents, sisters & their hubbies, my nieces and nephews and Grandma. Here are a couple of cute pic's of Miss Z from today.

Ahhh...bargaining...

...always the stage of grief that doesn't usually stick around long for me. I was sitting there doing my BSF lesson last night, thinking of how much the notes applied to my life and my mom's life right now during this season of suffering, when all of the sudden I was struck with the pangs of grief. Depression hit me. I don't want my mom to die. That thought is SO scary to me. What would I do without her in my life? It would be so hard to go through life without her. When you think about it, if you have good parents who are a sweet blessing to you like I do, they've always been with you. I mean, literally, they are the people who have always been in your life. As soon as that thought entered my head, I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't believe my mom is going to die from cancer. But of course, whenever you try to stop a thought it lingers even more than before, so a part of me voiced to God, "God, if you let her live, I will be a witness to your name for healing her." That's where I stopped, asked for forgiveness and submitted to God's will once again. I can't do anything if that's God's will, and God certainly doesn't need me to glorify Him. But there it is. Bargaining.

A quick update...

My mom is home and doing well; she's actually been home since Saturday. It's so nice to see her home! It was very hard to see her in a lot of pain in the hospital, but she is so strong...she amazes me. I don't know if I could deal with all that if I was in her shoes. We meet with the oncologist again on March 31st to get the final staging and figure out when chemo/radiation will begin. I am once again thankful that God has given me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, because it will enable me to care for her and go with her to appointments and stuff. His timing is so perfect. I am also thankful that Ryan gets home by 11:00 or 12:00 most days, so I can leave Zooey with him when I need to. These are all good things.

My anxiety has been really awful lately. Without getting too much into it, I will say that one thing I'm really trying to do is workout more to help. When I was working out 5-6 days a week, I felt pretty good, even when stuff was going on. Now I just have added motivation to get my butt in gear! Thankfully, Jenni is my faithful workout accountability partner...and also reminds me that we have a triathlon in 12 weeks that I just might collapse and drown if I don't do something soon to train. So, I got on the trainer yesterday and went on a walk/jog with Zooey today. It felt really good, and I'm hoping by starting off slowly that I can keep my motivation up.

Update on Mom

Just copying the e-mail I sent out to the e-mail group to update those who read the blog. I will send out more info. when I have some more time, but juggling hospital/baby/hospital time is taking up most of it. Thanks for your prayers! :) Sorry it's late, but this is from yesterday morning.

Thank you once again for your faithful prayers. They continue to be a blessing to us. As you know, my mom had the surgery yesterday to remove the tumor in her lung. To summarize, this surgery entailed removal of half her left lung. The surgeon, Dr. L., came out afterward and explained to us that he was able to remove all the tumor – praise God! In biopsying the lymph nodes that were in the lung lobe’s path (these are a different set of lymph nodes that the ones that were biopsied a few weeks ago), he found one of the lymph nodes was positive for cancer. He took out about some other samples which they freeze for four days then biopsy (apparently something can show up in that time period which does not always show up immediately). There was also another mass in her lung. He could not tell whether or not this was a satellite tumor or something else, because my mom’s lymph nodes were “rock hard,” which he assumes is due to the sarcoidosis. These lymph nodes are attached to the pulmonary artery. Because of these two things, he was not able to take out the rest of the lung; it was just too risky. He even called the oncologist, Dr. Bauman, but both doctors agreed that not messing with it was the best course of action for now. My mom will now have to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Until we meet with the oncologist, we are assuming this puts the final staging at stage 2, as Dr. B. explained to us last week. Both doctors said how strong my mom is and they agree that she will tackle the chemo well and that the chemo and radiation will wipe out the cancer.

My mom was pretty groggy last night when we got to see her, but she is in recovery. She is doing well with her “breathing exercises,” and even when I was there, she continued to improve on them. She will be in the hospital for 3-4 days; Dr. L. said it will most likely be 4 days. She is in some pain and is a little disheartened with the news that there is more cancer, as we all are; however, we know that God is in control and that He “works all things together for the good of those who love Him,” even this. He is a big God, and He is the Great Physician – we know that since we are seeking Him, He is ultimately the one in charge of her treatment and her prognosis. He is so good to answer our prayers for successful removal of the tumor, keeping my mom well prior to and safe during the surgery and for giving our family peace. We would appreciate your continued prayers for the following:

Protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family.
Quick healing and recovery for my mom from the surgery and minimal pain.
Quick progression of treatment when she is healed, wisdom for the doctors, effective chemo and radiation which removes all traces of cancer & that the cancer would not spread.

Thank you for your prayers.

May God bless you and keep you; may His face shine upon you.

Jesus IS Alive!

The Lord really gave me the words for this e-mail I sent out to family and friends regarding my mom's cancer update, so I'm just going to post it here. It best describes what has happened this week. The oncologist visit was on Wednesday the 3rd.

'My mom met with her oncologist today, and my dad, Sarah & I once again went with her. I am so happy to say that the brain MRI was negative for cancer (but, of course – positive for a brain :) ). This puts my mom’s cancer at stage 1. From the beginning of this journey, my whole family has seen God’s hand at work. I know some of you might be saying to yourself, “How can you say you see God’s hand at work in something as awful as your mom having cancer?” First of all, because we totally trust my mom’s life to the Lord. Every breath she has is a gift from Him, and He will cause the breath that is to be her last to escape from her – there is nothing any of us can do about that. Second, there are many small details that have shown us His sovereignty through all of this. I told you before that she wouldn’t have even gone to the doctor herself for this cough; the only reason she went to the doctor was to get established and just happened to mention this cough she has. I myself go to the same doctor and saw her about 2 weeks ago; she said she was sorry to hear about my mom. She said her gut was telling her not to do a chest X-ray, but “something” (I will add that we know it was Someone) told her to do it anyway. I will not bore you with repeating the tests that then took place; however, I will say that every single doctor involved in this process has commented – multiple times – at how fast this process has taken place for her. Apparently, the speed at which her appointments and treatment options have been presented to her is quite unusual. That, my friends, has been a huge answer to prayer. The thoracic surgeon told my mom that he would be praying throughout the lymph node biopsy that there would be no cancer. How sweet is that?! Today, at the oncology appointment, God literally took my breath away. Dr. B. walked into the room saying, “Congratulations.” My mom has a condition called sarcoidosis in her lymph nodes. It’s a type of autoimmune disease that can lay dormant for many years. This condition can, apparently, flare up sometimes when someone gets cancer. Sarcoidosis is most likely what was causing my mom’s cough – not the tumor. And, if she hadn’t been coughing, she wouldn’t have mentioned any health problems to the doctor, and the cancer would not have been detected as soon as it was. Dr. Buaman then said that the last time she met with my mom that she was very confident (unfortunately confident) that my mom had cancer in her lymph nodes and that it was stage 3 cancer. She said that although she’s been “fooled before,” it’s only happened one other time before. She said this is something that is “talked about a lot” in cancer education, but that it happens less than 1% of the time. God is so good. All the time, He is good. Please do not misunderstand me; if the results had been different, if she had stage 3 cancer, I fully believe that God has still been revealing Himself to us throughout this process. He is teaching us that He is the Great Physician; He is in control; He can do the impossible; He gives us strength. Just today, my mom said she picked out a necklace awhile ago and never knew how much she would cling to the verse inscribed on it: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” This is what God is teaching us – that in the midst of trial, suffering, tribulation, fear and uncertainty, HE IS HERE.

My mom goes in for her surgery to have 1/3 of the left lower lobe of her lung removed on Monday. The doctor is also going to remove the lymph nodes in the pathway of the lobe. Once the surgery is complete, Dr. B. (the oncologist) will look at the tumor and the nodes under a microscope to first determine if there is any microscopic cancer in the nodes and, depending on those results, give the cancer a final staging. If there was microscopic cancer in these lymph nodes, the final staging would be stage 2, and at that point she would need some chemotherapy. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayer for the following:

- Wisdom, steady hands for the doctor performing the surgery on Monday; peace for my mom, quick recovery and minimal pain.
- The surgery to remove all traces of cancer and God would continue to prevent it from spreading.
- Final staging of stage 1.
- Continued protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family."