I feel like time has stopped. Things seem to freeze or go fast, and I feel out of sorts. We can be talking and laughing one minute and the next I will look at my mom, sleeping, and become so deeply sad that she won't be joining in our conversation like she used to. Although she is still my mom, everything is different. Although she is still alive, and I'm cherishing every moment I get to spend with her, I am already missing her and the way things used to be. I see a pair of earrings, and I cry, because I know she's not going to wear them to go out to lunch or come visit Zooey. I cry when I put her laundry away, knowing that she's only wearing nightgowns now. It saddens me when she tries to whisper something to us and she's so weak that we cannot understand her.

I worry over the fact she fell last night and couldn't get up...what if we don't hear her and she falls again?

Yesterday afternoon her blood pressure had dropped from about 98/70ish to 80/52. Today we woke up and went in to her room to find that she hadn't changed positions in eight hours and had been sound asleep the whole time. Her mouth was so dry it broke my heart, and her hands and feet are bluish grey. She is starting to have a hard time swallowing, and when Hospice came today they said that she will probably lose her ability to swallow in the next couple of days. She was prescribed a stronger pain patch for when that happens, so that she will remain comfortable and able to sleep.

I was SO blessed to be able to sit with her today for about 30 minutes praying and singing hymns as she was half asleep and resting; it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do this without breaking down in tears. After we were done, she said, "It's going to happen. Where is she?" We found out she meant my grandma. We feel it's going to be soon. I was priveleged to be able to read the Bible, some of my mom's favorite marked passages, to her and my family and experience God's peace come in the room. It was shortly after these times of worship that my mom was looking around the room asking, "What's that?" and telling us that she saw lights. I am certain that our Lord and His angels are present with her as she is close to being called home to Heaven. I marvel at this and wonder what kind of divine experience death is when you know Jesus, when you get so close you can see His light and hear His voice. I am sure my mom is being very blessed, very comforted and is experiencing Jesus' Love in a way unimaginable.

When my grandpa died, someone told me that it is a privelege to be with someone as they have one foot here and one foot in heaven, and I have to say, while this journey is heartbreaking, it has been a privelege to be with her and spend this time with her. It is also really encouraging me to tell others how I feel before it's too late. Jesus was always so open with His love and affection and even when He was disappointed...we are to follow His example in our life and our relationships; I want to be more like Him in this way.

As I sit down to type this, I have so many emotions going through me that it is hard to know exactly where I'm at. Depression, Anger...still some Denial, and even I have to ask myself, how is that possible? Hospice is now coming daily to visit my mom. She is sleeping most of the time; thank God that He offered a new course of treatment for the nausea and diarrhea that were not leting her rest for several days earlier this week. She doesn't wake too much, and when she does she is often confused. In her lucid moments she is saying what needs to be said about her love, concerns and her past. It is so hard to see her down this path, but I also feel very blessed that I get to walk along side her, to tell her how much I love her and to be able to comfort her and provide things for her - a back rub, a drink. She hasn't eaten in several days, but she is still drinking. Elizabeth, her nurse, said yesterday that my mom is at the few weeks mark, meaning she could go anywhere from 1-3 weeks.

On Monday (can it be that it was only Monday? that conversation feels like it was 2 weeks ago!), Elizabeth told us to be sure to tell her it is ok to go when it's time and that we will miss her but will be alright. We've all told her this, even my grandma, who my mom is very concerned about. It was very hard for my dad to tell her that. When we asked him if he was going to tell her, he broke down crying and said how can he tell her that when he's never going to be ok? It breaks my heart to see him and my sister in pain. I think it helped her for us to tell her that, though. It was at that point she opened up to us about how ready she is to go Home.

A dear friend told me yesterday about how her friend has been a Hospice nurse for a long time. My friend's best friend of 25 years died several months ago of cancer, and the nurse told her that in all her years of being a hospice nurse, there's one thing she is certain of and that is when someone knows Christ that He is completing a Holy work in them right up to the end. She said that she's never seen a moment wasted, and although she doesn't understand it, she's seen it many times. She said that Christians can be assured that not a moment of their life is wasted; He is completing His work in them right up to the moment He is ready to bring them home to Glory. This really comforted me, and I believe it 100%.

If you are praying for my mom, please pray the following:

~Her one request is that He would take her soon and quickly.

~God would keep the nausea/GI problems away and that He would let her be in comfort and in as little pain as possible.

~God would wrap His loving arms around her and let her feel His presence.
~He would protect her and our family from opposition.

~He would comfort our family.

~He would protect our health.

My mom is declining quickly; over the last two weeks she really seems to have gone downhill, in fact, she's really declined a lot since last Tuesday at Zooey's early birthday party. I've struggled a lot with being completely honest about some of her symptoms as of late, because I know she's still be reading my blog and I don't want to cause her any pain about something she may be sensitive about. I think it is to the point where I can be completely honest, because to be honest in another way, it is simply impossible for me to give everyone a specific, detailed update one-on-one.


She is very fatigued; the nurse, Elizabeth, has explained to us that this is in part due to the disease progressing and death approaching and also because her oxygen is low (it was 87 on Friday). She feels ill, like she's going to vomit, and is having a hard time taking her medications because of this. The anti-nausea has not been helping this much. Her appetite has significantly decreased; she may eat a couple of crackers and a yogurt all day. She is also very confused. This is the hardest thing on her, and for me, it is the hardest thing to watch. She has a hard time writing and thinking about numbers, and she's finding it harder to use her cell phone. We don't know if the cancer has gone to her brain, or if this is just a normal part of the dying process. At her visit last week, my mom asked about having an aide come in to help her shower and dress, because mornings are very hard for her (the cough, pain). For us to hear this, and for her to acknowledge this, was a big wake up call to how bad she's actually feeling. For anyone who knows my mom, you know she is extremely modest and this would be a worse case kind of request. Our family met the aide, Amy, on Friday, and it was agreed that she would start coming today and come in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

That brings me to today. Last night my mom told my dad to cancel the aide. He did, and when Elizabeth called him this morning to tell him he can't cancel the aide (it is another way for Hospice to have eyes on my mom during the week to see how she's doing), my dad broke down crying about how bad my mom was doing. Elizabeth then rushed over to their house. Sarah was already on her way over and called me when she found out Elizabeth was there; I too went over. My mom was given some anti-nausea medication, and Elizabeth's professional opinion is that it is time to take my mom off of all medication except those needed for comfort measure. She told us that she had a very honest conversation with my mom this morning about how bad my mom feels, and my mom admitted she is ready to go. Elizabeth told us that when someone admits that, it is a big deal, and she really feels this is the best thing to do. My mom can't take her oral med's, because they make her feel so sick; she's just been laying in bed feeling more sick than she needs to. Elizabeth said that she told Sarah on Friday that she'd let her know when we got to the two week mark (at that time, she had given us a two month max "loose" window due to my mom putting on a strong face for her; we all know she can't say for sure), and she said today she feels my mom's time is probably at about a month, maximum. As she watches my mom this week, she'll be able to guage whether we are even closer to that two week mark. She told us as it gets closer we need to tell her it's ok for her to go and that we'll be ok. She also reiterated to us what the Hospice book they gave us says, not to take it personal when she says she doesn't want to see us or she wants to be alone, which she has started telling us within the last four days.

Of course, we don't feel like we'll be ok. Of course, it is scary and sad and heartbreaking. My pastor said something yesterday in church that really stood out to me. He said, "We need our brother, because sometimes the Christ in their heart is greater than the Christ in our own heart." Last week I read some on the parable of the paralytic man whose friends lowered him through the roof of the home where Jesus was teaching, because they believed that Jesus could heal him. No where in that passage does it say the man had his own faith that he would be healed; he was healed because of the faith of his friends. I have been thinking a lot about how much God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends who pray for our family and how your faith is carrying me through this when my faith sometimes seems to be in crisis. Thank you for your prayers; thank you for following Jesus' call to unite as one body under His head. Thank you for your hugs and your love. Thank you for the prayers that Jesus would hold us in His arms and strengthen our faith, because I know in my own life, He is doing just this, and He continues to help me through this by causing me to think on His promises. I feel that it is important that I tell you all that even when this hurts, even when I feel like it's going to kill me, I know my God is real; I know my God is in control. I know He is Just, Fair, Omniscient, even when things don't feel that way. His character and His promises are what hold me up.

An Early Birthday Celebration

Tonight was a special night, because tonight we celebrated Zooey's birthday a little early (lucky girl gets 2 birthday parties for her 2nd year...not a precedent for years to come! :)). I have really been grieving the loss of a grandma for Zooey and have been upset over the fact that my mom will most likely not be here for Zooey's birthday in October, so someone suggested having an early birthday party with my mom. Wow! Such a good idea! This idea brought tears to my eyes, and I immediately told my mom about it. My mom was very excited, and I think she might've been thinking about missing Zooey's birthday, too. It was such a blessing to have a small get-together tonight with our immediate family to celebrate Zooey's life with my mom present.

One of the things I love most about my mom is what a wonderful grandma she is. The joy and love that pour out of her for my sweet girl just astound me. Every time Zooey did something cute tonight, from devouring her pizza, to coyly pulling out the tissue paper from her gift bags, to savoring her cake, my mom lit up. I was so glad she got to experience this, as it is always so evident that Zooey brings such joy to her heart. I am so thankful for the idea and thankful we got to do this. We took a ton of pictures, some of which are in a slideshow below, and I will cherish tonight forever.

I will tell my little girl about how much her family loves her, that her grandma loves her & she loves her grandma so much! I will show her these pictures and the joy on my mom's face tonight. I will remember going shopping and how I got to spend that time with my mom picking out the perfect doll and how I went over to show her the decorations that Zooey picked out and how her grandma was so excited to have a party for her, to celebrate her. Tonight was special indeed; I feel very blessed that God gave our family this sweet time.

An Update

Many of you have asked either in real life or online how my mom is doing. Although I sent out an update via email to our prayer chain, I realize some of you may not be included in that, so I wanted to let you all know how she's doing.

About a month ago at her Hospice meeting, the nurse told her that the doctor was concerned with the rate the disease was progressing. She is definitely getting worse. She is fatigued and weak, her cough is worse, she finds it difficult to breathe and her resting heart rate is high due to the pain she is in. According to the Hospice nurse, all these things are normal as the disease progresses and the pain medication she is on adds to her feeling tired and confused. At her last visit (last Wednesday), my mom asked the nurse when she thought my mom would be completely bedridden. Although the nurse cannot give a perfect estimate, she basically said that for now my mom needs to find a fine balance between getting out of the house (which is very important for her sanity, as I'm sure all of us can relate) and resting; if it was up to the nurse, she said, she'd like to see her resting more. She said that right now my mom can muster up enough energy to force herself to do something, and she doesn't want to try to stop her from doing that, because she wants her to enjoy things now, but soon she will find she cannot even muster enough energy to forcer herself to do these things. So, for now, my mom might get out 2-3 times a week for a very brief amount of time before she needs to go back home to rest. The resting is definitely becoming a greater part of her day. She is now to the point where she also feels that she isn't up for much company, which is by no means personal against anyone; it is simply, as the Hospice material says, a normal part of the dying process. There may even come a time soon when she won't want to see her immediate family for visits. She's taking it one day at a time.

Our prayer requests are as follows:
~Protection from spiritual opposition for her and my family
~That her transition to Jesus' arms would be as painless as possible
~That God would give her peace about the unknown (pain, the way the disease will progress) and will hold her firmly in His arms, making His peace overwhelmingly real to her
~That He would bless the time we have left with her
~That God would comfort our family during this time

Thank you for caring and for following along on this journey with our family. It means the world to us, and we greatly appreciate your prayers.

21 months

This picture seriously melts my heart!

Would you just look at Zooey?! Look at those "big girl legs" and how she's getting leaner and taller and starting to really look like a little girl...less of a baby. Wow! She is so much fun right now. She is very curious and loves to explore. She loves to play outside and has even started to venture away from her toys to look at trees, hummingbirds and Daddy's garden. She is absolutely obsessed with her belly button. She plays with it ALL the time, especially as a comfort, like when she's unsure of a situation; I can see her on the video monitor playing with it as she goes to sleep. Zooey's a very affectionate little girl, giving kisses all the time. She also loves to give snuggles, and I am still blessed enough to get to treasure those snuggles where she lays her head down on my shoulder before bedtime. She had swim lessons this month, a mom/tot class, which she absolutely loved. The only thing she wasn't too sure about was being dunked underwater, but I can't say that I blame her. I am excited to take her swimming more when my gym's pool opens (they have a kid pool). Zooey also really loves the animals. I know I've said that in the past, but she's really starting to enjoy petting them gently and giving them kisses. She likes to give Tiny, the dog, his toy and watch him run around with it. She's gotten a little bit more into TV, and her favorite seems to be Blue's Clues. She loves to color and play with playdough. She's very affectionate with family and loves to have them come over. When I tell her Grandma or RaRa (Sarah) are coming over, she runs to the front door laughing and waits a little bit, thinking they're coming through the door any minute. One of my favorite times of day are when we go wake Daddy up after breakfast. Her excitement over seeing him and giving him kisses just warms my heart to the core!

Challenges this month include pretty bad separation anxiety - sometimes when it's clear I'm not going anywhere, she still cries and clings to me until she's absolutely sure. She's in a hitting/kicking phase, which we're trying to tame with consistent time outs. I've heard it's usually a short phase...let's hope! She usually hits when she's tired or frustrated, and I notice she does it a lot when I'm about to put her down, then she cries. I think she's frustrated and sad because she knows I'm leaving her. One kind of funny thing is that she'll hit and immediately kiss us to apologize. We're working on telling her it's still not ok, but it's pretty clear from the kisses that she already knows that!

Overall she is just a joy. When I put her to bed each night, lately, I am struck yet again with how fast time goes, with how I'll never get that day back. I try very hard to cherish each day and make the most of every moment. I take tons of pictures and even more mental ones. Being a mom is such a gift. A question on my Bible study asked me when I had felt God's blessing, even when I didn't deserve it. I constantly think about how Zooey is such a huge blessing from God, and also a huge responsibility. I hope I glorify Him in my parenting her. I hope I can "box up" a little of this sheer joy in this blog as I journal about our sweet family.