My soul has been grieving something for quite a while. I
sinned…over a year ago, I sinned in the area of gossip, and I find that it’s
still causing ripples of hurt, anger and discord to go out. Angry and hurt before God
this morning, praying for conviction and reconciliation to happen, praying that
instead of being one who instills discord I could be a peacemaker, He had me
open to James 3:1-4:12. I began to read, and the more I read, the more tears
started to fall out of my own heart being pricked by His Spirit. I was broken
by the knowledge that my spark had set off a forest fire, turned harmony to
chaos and cursed one made in His image (vv. 5-10). I had felt justified in my
words (don’t we always?). I had been hurt by someone, and I hadn’t even began
the conversations by attacking the person’s character but by simply replaying
what had been said and done to me. By the end of the conversations, however, I
am sure that some insults had been slung about…all in a very ‘round-the-bush-way,
of course…I wouldn’t want to be “gossiping.” Don’t we always feel justified
when we’re “venting”? Don’t we always feel justified when we say something
like, “Don’t get me wrong, I care about this person, BUT…”?
I read further. “For where you find envy and selfish
ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (v.16). What had my
real ambitions been in these conversations? Surely part of it was truly from a
broken heart, but more than that, it was to have someone on my side. To which
God says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still” (Ex. 14:14) and
“Do not say, ‘I’ll pay you back for this wrong!’ Wait for the Lord, and He will
deliver you” (Pr. 20:22). I should have left my complaints and God’s feet,
perhaps asked for prayer without going into a myriad of details about the
conflict. I should have asked God for wisdom, because He would have given that
to me freely (Jas. 1:5). I may not have received it in my own timing, like I
did the immediate feedback I got from talking to another human, but He would’ve
answered. And “the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then
peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial
and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” He
would’ve shown me what to do. The conviction ran deeper as I read “What causes
fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle
within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you
cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you
do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong
motives…” (Jas 4:1-3). My comments came from bitterness, hurt feelings and
anger. My prayers stemmed from these motives, as well, and while I may have, I’m
pretty certain I didn’t ask God to change those feelings within me. I’m pretty
sure I prayed for reconciliation but no conviction on my part. How contrasting
the motives are in 3:16 and 3:17 (“envy & selfish ambition versus pure;
then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit,
impartial and sincere”).
As I sat with tears spilling down my cheeks, I silently
prayed, “Oh, Jesus, how I need your Grace. Forgive me,” and my eyes fell on, “But
He gives us more grace.” I am so humbled…I don’t deserve this. I deserve to, I
don’t know, be made an outcast from people who I’ve hurt and caused discourse
among. I deserve to have the same thing done to me. Mostly, I deserve death.
Thank GOD He atoned for this sin by His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. Thank
you, Lord!!
I re-read the passage to notice 3:2 “We all stumble in
many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man,
able to keep his whole body in check.” My footnotes say, “Since the tongue is
so difficult to control, those who control it perfectly gain control of
themselves in all other areas of life as well.” First came the conviction and
the repentance, and as always, my Good God didn’t leave me there, but gave me
something to apply to my life so I may grow up in Him. My prayer is that He
will tame my tongue (v.8) and that my words will be a stream of fresh water to
everyone I encounter (v.11).
You see, I’ve also been praying that God would work on my
quick temper, especially with my daughter. Anger, of course, is a heart issue,
but my careless words and quick, anger-based discipline have certainly caused
her much pain. Father God gently but firmly showed me that my lack of
self-control over my tongue is causing problems in many areas of my life. I am
so thankful for His loving discipline. I don’t want to stay where I am. I want to mature and grow up in Him.
I am going to pray about this daily. I am going to
present my mind to God (Rom. 12:1-2), obey Christ’s teachings (2 Cor. 10:5) and
practice speaking helpfully. I cannot tame my own tongue; a tamed tongue comes
from the renewal of my heart, and only He can do that. This is my prayer. Only
He can reconcile hearts. I am praying His reconciliation and Love (Rom.
12:3-21).
I really felt I needed to make a public confession. Thank
you for hearing. Thank God for His Grace and Mercy.
