Ryan & I went to dinner and for ice cream last night to celebrate. In tough economic times and being a man, Ryan is excited but nervous. We kind of discussed telling family in a few weeks after my first doctor's appointment. I would be about 6 weeks along. I think we both thought this might be a fun idea last night, but the more I thought about it today, I'm just not sure. It's soon enough to possibly hear the heartbeat but still too soon that something could also go wrong. Something to be praying about. I slept really bad last night; I think the excitement of finding out yesterday turned over to worry. I must trust the Lord, no matter how hard. The benefit of that is that my baby is in His hands, and I don't need to worry about trying to control anything. I just need to make sure to take care of myself. Sometimes not worrying is easier said than done, though. My favorite verses right now are Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You." and Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

My new symptoms include waking up in the middle of the night starving, because I didn't eat enough dinner last night, being very bloated (maybe TMI but very gassy, too), smelling the cologne on a guy today and gagging. Although I haven't really thrown up yet, nothing sounds good to eat - nothing healthy, anyway. :) It could be because I was awake off and on and tossing and turning for about an hour and half last night, but I was super tired today, too. And I had to use the restroom quite a bit more.

"Pregnant"

Today at lunch I took a positive pregnancy test!! I felt funny again today - nausea, lightheaded, crampy...and today my breasts were just a little sore. I couldn't wait until tomorrow morning, so I went out at lunch and bought a three pack of EPT's. I went down to the bathroom in the lower floor so as not to be disturbed. I turned my back away from the test in the stall...1 minute...2 minutes...3 minutes...when I turned it was to my gleeful shock I read "Pregnant." The Lord was so good to answer my prayer of wishing to become pregnant quickly. Praise God! Ryan just got home, so I'm going to tell him now... :)

actually written on 1/26

Oh, my! I can see how this two week wait can totally consume you. I am so frustrated at the fact I have to wait and wish the time would hurry up. After I took (another) negative early test on Sunday morning, just to be sure my hormone levels weren't higher in the morning, I decided to just wait until I had originally decided to test - this Wednesday or Thursday, maybe even Friday, if I can wait that long. I sense yet again that the Lord is trying to teach me patience. So much of my life has been about this...how stubborn I feel that I haven't gotten it yet.

I read an article about how signs a woman imagines may not really be fully imagined, because even if a woman doesn't conceive, her body is preparing itself for being pregnant after ovulation. Apparantly, most women don't notice it most of the time, but when they're waiting to get pregnant, they notice all of it. That's obviously me. I was so depressed last night and this morning, because I was experiencing some cramping that felt very familiar; however, there is still no sign that I'm NOT pregnant...so I keep hoding onto hope that I am. This desire of my heart burns greater than any logic. I can try to tell myself (& others can tell me, too) that I'm not pregnant or to just be patient or that most couples don't conceive for six months. It's like my excitedness will not listen to the logic. I always thought it would just happen the first month, like it did for my mom and for others I have known through life. I cannot imagine waiting six months - or longer. I cannot imagine all the things that could go wrong. I just pray that it won't and that God will hold me if it does. And that He'll hold me and help me to trust His perfect timing if this month's not the month. I have wanted a child for as long as I can remember. My dream career as a child was to be a mommy. Maybe a teacher, too, but definitely a mommy. :) Ryan's so calm about all this, and I can tell he thinks I am getting way to excited - I am excited. Don't get me wrong; Ryan is very supportive and definitely helps me to remain calm. I have waited for this step in my life's journey for a very long time.

This "journaling" is such a good outlet for me. It always has been, really, I just seem to fall in and out of it through different spells in my life. It helps me get my thoughts in order and obsess a little less. It helps me reign in my emotions which if unbridled have a tendency to get way out of control and be a source of frustration not just for me but for those close to me.

Against my better judgement, I took an early pregnancy test today. It was negative. I am pretty disappointed, but it's weird - it's like I still have hope that next week I won't start, that I'll get great news. I still "feel" like I could be pregnant. I just had to stop obsessing, and I thought the test would quell that a little bit. The old OCD acting up...I really should change my thought process. Who knows? Maybe it's a false negative? I know the early tests at 4 days prior are only about 64% accurate. If I'm definitely not (which I'm thinking now), something's still going on in my body. Still kind of crampy, nauseous, still exhausted. Maybe my body's just fighting off that stomach bug.

A friend of mine told me before she got pregnant that she could see how women could obsess and get disappointed every month. I didn't get that until now, when we're actually trying. I could see how it could be totally heartbreaking, and it gives me even greater compassion for those who have great struggles with fertility. My heart just goes out to them; I wish I could hug them and dry their eyes.

My crazy brain

Monday afternoon I had an appointment for a uterine ultrasound to make sure that everything was “normal,” due to the septum I had removed back in 2001. Apparently, anomalies can form when you are in the womb that could cause you to have all sorts of different problems. I’m thankful to God and happy to report that my uterus is normal and attached to the muscles, and I have normal ovaries with healthy blood flow. The doctor was even able to ascertain that I had ovulated this month…that last piece of news has been driving me crazy all week! I made a personal decision that I would not take a pregnancy test until the first day of my cycle – which is still a week away. A hard choice, but I’m trying to protect myself both from false hope and false bad news by trusting the accuracy level on those things is closer to the 99% on the first day. I feel like I’m counting down minutes and seconds: “only 6 more days, 12 hours” until I can take a test. I’ve “felt” like I could be pregnant for about a week, but that’s probably just me experiencing wishful thinking. I’ve been kind of nauseous all week, but then again there’s a stomach bug going around. I almost fainted on Tuesday, but I had a very early dinner Monday and very little breakfast. I’ve been exhausted, but maybe I just slept too much this past weekend. I felt some cramping yesterday. Each of these things brings hope that I could be pregnant, but I must talk myself down in case I’m not. My mind jogs through thoughts like “Don’t get your hopes up; you’re probably not pregnant.” This is such an exciting time in our lives: this choice to try for a baby. The waiting is also very nerve-wrenching! I have been very conscious about stopping the negative thought process, though. The thoughts of what can go wrong are just all too consuming and depressing, and the “what if’s” are the things I must place at God’s feet with all the trust I can muster.

Our pastor gave a sermon two weeks ago on Psalm 139:13-18 and reminded all of us that God is the superintendent of life from conception through one’s entire life. As I sat there, I thought about all the things I give “worry” to, and I was reminded by him that God has cared for me this long – He’s not going to let me go now. And I thought that the same goes for our little ones. Whether they are formed immediately, or we have to wait awhile, God is superintendent of their creation, too. For He IS Creator. I am so thankful I was raised in a home that taught me about Jesus, and I am grateful beyond my own understanding that I am able to cling to Him.

Am I or Aren't I?

The question is coming more and more to mind throughout the day: am I pregnant or am I not pregnant? I know the statistics, that 90% of couples conceive within the first year after going off of birth control. I have, however, always hoped that I would conceive the first month without any complications. Out of many things in life that I try to control, this is one of the hardest to let go of. There are certain steps we can take to try to conceive sooner rather than later, and we've been trying them...but there's absolutely nothing I can do to really control the outcome. Sometimes God just has different plans in His will for us that could allow something scary to happen. My mind bounces back and forth between being really excited about this next section of our lives together and being very anxious about what "could" happen. I know this is normal. I'm trying so hard to give it all to God. He's the one who controls time and life, anyway - not me. I will know in a little over a week, I guess. I'm trying not to get too wound up, nervous or excited, and for this reason (out of many), I am so thankful for my husband. He is very laid back, low key and doesn't overthink the "what if's" and the future. He's part of God's plan for my life, the one who comforts me and keeps me grounded. I am sure many women, both who have gotten pregnant and who have not, have said "I just feel like I could be pregnant" when it is too soon to take a pregnancy test. I have thought this, but then again...I don't feel like it at all. All in His hands; all in His timing.

I am studying The Life of Moses in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) this year. I never thought I would learn so much by studying the Old Testament, but I have. One thing the Lord has continually placed on my heart is to trust Him. Moses didn't think he could lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but once he was in the middle of it, he got to see all of God's glory: the parting of the Red Sea, the cloud to guide them, God's glory passing by. He grew closer to God and trusted Him with everything - and leading 2 million people into the desert for forty years is a BIG something! So I know that even though my plans may not work out exactly as I desire them to, the Lord will direct my paths perfectly.