Today has been full of little blessings, straight from God to me. I completed my last BSF lesson for the study of Isaiah, and it was beautiful, full of promises for my future life with God. I was so blessed to read that there will be no remembrance of the former things; they won't even come to mind. Only my BIG God can completely take away all the pain like that, so that someday I will not even remember all the heartache and the sinful habits I had here on this earth. Only God can cause weeping and crying to turn to sounds of joy & delight. I was blessed to read that my big God is also personal enough to answer me before I call & hear while I'm still speaking (Is. 65:24). Wow! And them to read that His peace will extend like a river, that He will comfort me as a mother comforts her children! I pictured myself wiping away Zooey's tears after a big fall and how my mom did that for me and how sometimes only a mommy can really comfort those tears. To know that my God will comfort me with that same tenderness just captures my heart.
I was also blessed to spend time with a good friend today, to catch up and enjoy her & her sweet daughter's lovely company. I was blessed with Zooey taking a long nap. I was blessed by Zooey kisses on my cheek! And, I am super blessed to be able to go on a date tonight with Ryan. What a wonderful day. Thank you, Jesus!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Little things I love this week
~Snuggling up with a toddler to read her new library books
~Lovely spring weather
~Running
~Isaiah 61
~My new washing machine
~Watermelon
~Friendship
~Coconut milk
~Lovely spring weather
~Running
~Isaiah 61
~My new washing machine
~Watermelon
~Friendship
~Coconut milk
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
As much as I feel like I've been through the gamut with the emotions of grief, I realized today how much denial I am still in about my mom. About a month ago, we met with a local Hospice care, so that when her doctor gave her the referral on the 29th, she'd know who she wanted to use. Well, the referral has come & gone, and yesterday she had her first appointment with Hospice in her home. She's been prescribed morphine drops for her pain. She hadn't told me before yesterday that she is super breathless when she gets out of the bath, and she can no longer walk her dog as she runs out of breath. The nurse was supposed to go by today to show her how to administer the drugs, which she's going to start taking if she feels in pain or out of breath.
For some reason, the fact that Hospice really came to her house has made the fact that she's going to die much more real to me today. A million thoughts have run through my head today, thoughts about how I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her to talk about our days. She cares about and is so close to Zooey; it saddens me so much that I won't be able to share all Zooey's cute little moments and her milestones with my mom, who cares so much and gets so excited over her little Zooey. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to call her for her take on a tough passage of Scripture or to share all I've learned in BSF. Those are some of the thoughts I've been having. It kills me that I am going to have to see her suffer; I pray all the time that her suffering will be minimal before Jesus calls her to heaven.
I worry so much that I won't be a good mom in the midst of my grief, that my emotions will overtake me and I won't be able to care for my little girl. Those of you who have been praying, this is my biggest request for myself, that God will fully enable me to grieve, without totally losing it, and care for my family.
I don't get it, still. I don't understand why God's going to take her home. There are many days I still don't think it's "fair," and I still get angry about it. Thank God, though, that I serve such a personal, intimate God who cares about me and all my emotions. Last night, the speaker at BSF said, "We're in Christ, adn even when we can't see HIm, we can rest in assurance He's there. We can look up. We can trust that He knows and will see it through to the day of God's glory. Just today, I opened my Bible to read "He has sent me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:1b,3. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." Is. 61:10-11. And, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Today as I was driving around, the song "Blessings" came on the radio, and the DJ said that Christians will suffer just like anyone else, but we have the assurance of knowing that God is with us and will walk alongside us through our suffering.
So...I don't get it, it hurts, and I hate it; however, I am going to focus on these truths today and let God take me moment by moment through all the hurt and all the heartache until the day of God's glory. I know, because of the verses in Isaiah, that her being with Jesus is going to be WAY more amazing and beautiful than this earth. I rejoice that someday I will meet Jesus face to face where I will be adorned in His beautiful garments, and I will see my mom again. We'll be able to share all the things we know about Jesus together again, and we'll be able to praise Him side by side. These are the truths I'm going to hold onto as I praise Him in this storm.
For some reason, the fact that Hospice really came to her house has made the fact that she's going to die much more real to me today. A million thoughts have run through my head today, thoughts about how I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her to talk about our days. She cares about and is so close to Zooey; it saddens me so much that I won't be able to share all Zooey's cute little moments and her milestones with my mom, who cares so much and gets so excited over her little Zooey. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to call her for her take on a tough passage of Scripture or to share all I've learned in BSF. Those are some of the thoughts I've been having. It kills me that I am going to have to see her suffer; I pray all the time that her suffering will be minimal before Jesus calls her to heaven.
I worry so much that I won't be a good mom in the midst of my grief, that my emotions will overtake me and I won't be able to care for my little girl. Those of you who have been praying, this is my biggest request for myself, that God will fully enable me to grieve, without totally losing it, and care for my family.
I don't get it, still. I don't understand why God's going to take her home. There are many days I still don't think it's "fair," and I still get angry about it. Thank God, though, that I serve such a personal, intimate God who cares about me and all my emotions. Last night, the speaker at BSF said, "We're in Christ, adn even when we can't see HIm, we can rest in assurance He's there. We can look up. We can trust that He knows and will see it through to the day of God's glory. Just today, I opened my Bible to read "He has sent me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:1b,3. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." Is. 61:10-11. And, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Today as I was driving around, the song "Blessings" came on the radio, and the DJ said that Christians will suffer just like anyone else, but we have the assurance of knowing that God is with us and will walk alongside us through our suffering.
So...I don't get it, it hurts, and I hate it; however, I am going to focus on these truths today and let God take me moment by moment through all the hurt and all the heartache until the day of God's glory. I know, because of the verses in Isaiah, that her being with Jesus is going to be WAY more amazing and beautiful than this earth. I rejoice that someday I will meet Jesus face to face where I will be adorned in His beautiful garments, and I will see my mom again. We'll be able to share all the things we know about Jesus together again, and we'll be able to praise Him side by side. These are the truths I'm going to hold onto as I praise Him in this storm.
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