Thursday, March 22, 2012
Motherhood
Motherhood is nausea and a crushed bladder and insomnia. Motherhood is talking to and protecting a life the size of a pinhead. Motherhood is excruciating labor and bliss at first sight. It is sleepless nights and stolen 3am kisses. Sore nipples, stretch marks and baby weight. Motherhood is swollen pride at the first smile, the first steps and the first word, the joy at hearing "Mama"...and sometimes the pierced heart of hearing the same word when it's coming from an ill little voice that you can't do anything for. Motherhood fills the heavens with whispered middle-of-the-night prayers of thanksgiving, for wisdom, for healing and of joy. Motherhood is also being a chef, a confidante, a valet, a punching bag, a physician, a teacher, and entertainer. Motherhood is being good cop and bad cop. Motherhood is a learning experience. It is knowing when to hold a hand, hold them close or let them go. From no one else will a mother learn more about patience than from her child. It is a job in which one pays very close attention to one's mistakes - and one's triumphs. It is knowing when to scold and when sometimes good humor is the best reaction. Motherhood is fleeting, yet it is lifelong. Motherhood is relishing ten little fingers and toes and then, later, them finding the one and counting their own child's tens. It is silently praying that your child will make the right choice, the godly choice, then trusting that you've raised them well enough to do it. Motherhood is as individual as it is a club, and it brings a sense of camaraderie that only moms can understand. Motherhood makes one stronger, yet also shows just how weak and powerless we can be, how dependent we must be on a Dependable God. Motherhood is a privilege, one that I am so thankful for.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
God is so good. Seriously! Remember my last post? Pretty depressing, right? Well...after asking some friends to pray and praying myself, I got my "Our Daily Bread" devotional open on my phone to read this (see March 20th: http://odb.org/). How good is our God?! I love Him so much. Does He have to stoop down low and listen to my cries? No. But He chooses to love me despite ME. I love the passage that was given for today's reading. A reading I studied in BSF only two months ago...how quickly I forget, yet how GREAT of God to remind me.
13 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.
Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet reminder that I will be reunited to my mom. Thank you for reminding me that Your plan spans eternity. Even though the last year has been a painful, seemingly looong time in my existence, You have reminded me that You are Omnipotent, You are Good and Fair and Just, and this pain is just a blip on the grand scale of Your plan for me. Lord, I am so thankful that You see me seated with You right now in the heavenly realms, even though I can't see that far yet. You are beyond Good, You are Perfect and Lovely. Thank you for choosing to love me. Thank you for enabling me to seek You out. Thank You that you mysteriously, amazingly somehow make the bitter times sweeter than I could have even imagined by drawing me nearer and nearer to You. I love You. Amen.
"6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:6-10
13 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.
Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet reminder that I will be reunited to my mom. Thank you for reminding me that Your plan spans eternity. Even though the last year has been a painful, seemingly looong time in my existence, You have reminded me that You are Omnipotent, You are Good and Fair and Just, and this pain is just a blip on the grand scale of Your plan for me. Lord, I am so thankful that You see me seated with You right now in the heavenly realms, even though I can't see that far yet. You are beyond Good, You are Perfect and Lovely. Thank you for choosing to love me. Thank you for enabling me to seek You out. Thank You that you mysteriously, amazingly somehow make the bitter times sweeter than I could have even imagined by drawing me nearer and nearer to You. I love You. Amen.
"6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:6-10
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I've been pretty down the last few days. I lay in bed before I go to sleep at night, and I think about my sweet mom. This time last year, she had undergone her final chemo treatments and decided not to continue them. They just made her too sick. I remember feeling sad about her decision, because I had so much hope that it would give her the maximum time we could have with her, but I was also so supportive, because who wants to spend the last 6-8 months of their life feeling nauseous and wanting to stay in bed all the time? While Ryan & I weren't open with many about this, we also tried briefly, maybe for about three months, to get pregnant this time last year. I so wanted the chance for my mom to meet our next child on this earth, but God knew her time was shorter than my human mind could hope for. What a protection that ultimately was, me not conceiving, because the stress wouldn't have been good for me or the baby, and I know my mom would've been stressed about my health, too. This time last year, we had returned from our last vacation with my mom to San Diego, and I remember looking at some Women of Faith Conferences, hoping maybe we could get one more trip together... So much that just wasn't meant to be.
Oh, how I miss her. I miss her in the little things, like when I watch a new show on TV, like I did this week, and I almost pick up the phone to ask her if she's seen it because I think she would've liked it. When I watch Zooey feed the ducks at the zoo, I remember how she used to buy me and Sarah the food, and watch us throw it in the pond, and I think how much she would have enjoyed seeing Zooey do it, how she would've shared in my pride. I pack Zooey's lunch for school and remember how she used to leave me little notes in my lunch box, "I love you" or "Have a good day" or "I'm praying for you." I put on her shirts that are now mine, and they don't smell like her at all anymore, even the ones that were in the bottom of the drawer that I haven't worn yet. I open the Bible she left me, and I see a highlighted passage, and sometimes I know, because we'd talked about it, how it encouraged her (& in turn encouraged me), and sometimes I wonder why she liked it so much. I rub Zooey's back and remember how I'd always ask her to rub mine, even in high school, and she always did. I miss her when I think about getting Zooey an Easter dress, and I remember how last year she was so tickled when Zooey walked down the hall showing my mom her new shoes.
I miss her in the big things. I miss her when I am hurt, and I just want to talk to my mom about it, the woman who kissed my boo-boos and touched my heart with her sweet, calming, reassuring voice. I miss talking over the big decisions in my life, even, or maybe especially, the hard ones. I miss her hugs and the sweet, clean smell that enveloped me when I hugged her back.
It isn't simply enough to say I miss her. It isn't. Those words don't describe the dull ache that creeps on me like it has the last week, leaving me feeling so sad. But at the same time, I miss her.
I hate that there are days when I struggle to find these good memories, because I am remembering her illness more than I am remembering her. I hate remembering her lying in that bed, semi-conscious and unable to speak. I hate that she had so much pain. I really wish I could move past thinking about that instead of all the millions of good memories. I know it's a lot for my brain to take in, so I need to process it bits at a time, but it's like a knife just slicing the same wound open again. I still struggle with the question why. I still ask God how I am supposed to go forward without my mom. It isn't that I don't have family whom I love and adore and friends. It isn't that my husband isn't my rock, the logical strong one who I turn to when I need advice or a big strong hug. There's just something about being a girl/woman and having a mom that you're close to - there isn't another type of bond like that, in my opinion. Just like a husband/wife or sisters or sister/brother or best friends or any other combination of people share a unique bond, the same is true of mother/daughter.
It is hard - SO HARD - sometimes to not let my emotions control me. There are moments when I want to curl up in a depressed fetal ball and not get up, when I just want to wallow in it. Thank and praise the Lord that He pulls me out of it, because I know I probably wouldn't be able to sometimes. But right when I'm probably about to collapse (because I have a tendency to shut things in for way too long), He comes along and gives me something I didn't even know I needed before He shows me. Like tonight, when I sat down and read Zooey her devotional at bed, and it said:
"The children are looking at the rainbow and the pretty clouds. They are thinking about heaven. Someday we will have new bodies that are even more amazing than the bodies we have now. When we go to heaven to live with Jesus, our bodies will be just like his. We won't get sick or hurt. And we'll never have to cry. We will have the best bodies ever! 'He will change our simple bodies and make them like his own glorious body. Christ can do this by his power.' (Philippians 3:21, ICB). Jesus, when I live with you, my body will be all brand-new." (The One Year Devotions for Preschoolers, Crystal Bowman, 2004. pg. March 17).
That about sums it up, right? My mom is in her new "best body," and she is not in pain. And someday, I'll see her again and not have to cry anymore.
Oh, how I miss her. I miss her in the little things, like when I watch a new show on TV, like I did this week, and I almost pick up the phone to ask her if she's seen it because I think she would've liked it. When I watch Zooey feed the ducks at the zoo, I remember how she used to buy me and Sarah the food, and watch us throw it in the pond, and I think how much she would have enjoyed seeing Zooey do it, how she would've shared in my pride. I pack Zooey's lunch for school and remember how she used to leave me little notes in my lunch box, "I love you" or "Have a good day" or "I'm praying for you." I put on her shirts that are now mine, and they don't smell like her at all anymore, even the ones that were in the bottom of the drawer that I haven't worn yet. I open the Bible she left me, and I see a highlighted passage, and sometimes I know, because we'd talked about it, how it encouraged her (& in turn encouraged me), and sometimes I wonder why she liked it so much. I rub Zooey's back and remember how I'd always ask her to rub mine, even in high school, and she always did. I miss her when I think about getting Zooey an Easter dress, and I remember how last year she was so tickled when Zooey walked down the hall showing my mom her new shoes.
I miss her in the big things. I miss her when I am hurt, and I just want to talk to my mom about it, the woman who kissed my boo-boos and touched my heart with her sweet, calming, reassuring voice. I miss talking over the big decisions in my life, even, or maybe especially, the hard ones. I miss her hugs and the sweet, clean smell that enveloped me when I hugged her back.
It isn't simply enough to say I miss her. It isn't. Those words don't describe the dull ache that creeps on me like it has the last week, leaving me feeling so sad. But at the same time, I miss her.
I hate that there are days when I struggle to find these good memories, because I am remembering her illness more than I am remembering her. I hate remembering her lying in that bed, semi-conscious and unable to speak. I hate that she had so much pain. I really wish I could move past thinking about that instead of all the millions of good memories. I know it's a lot for my brain to take in, so I need to process it bits at a time, but it's like a knife just slicing the same wound open again. I still struggle with the question why. I still ask God how I am supposed to go forward without my mom. It isn't that I don't have family whom I love and adore and friends. It isn't that my husband isn't my rock, the logical strong one who I turn to when I need advice or a big strong hug. There's just something about being a girl/woman and having a mom that you're close to - there isn't another type of bond like that, in my opinion. Just like a husband/wife or sisters or sister/brother or best friends or any other combination of people share a unique bond, the same is true of mother/daughter.
It is hard - SO HARD - sometimes to not let my emotions control me. There are moments when I want to curl up in a depressed fetal ball and not get up, when I just want to wallow in it. Thank and praise the Lord that He pulls me out of it, because I know I probably wouldn't be able to sometimes. But right when I'm probably about to collapse (because I have a tendency to shut things in for way too long), He comes along and gives me something I didn't even know I needed before He shows me. Like tonight, when I sat down and read Zooey her devotional at bed, and it said:
"The children are looking at the rainbow and the pretty clouds. They are thinking about heaven. Someday we will have new bodies that are even more amazing than the bodies we have now. When we go to heaven to live with Jesus, our bodies will be just like his. We won't get sick or hurt. And we'll never have to cry. We will have the best bodies ever! 'He will change our simple bodies and make them like his own glorious body. Christ can do this by his power.' (Philippians 3:21, ICB). Jesus, when I live with you, my body will be all brand-new." (The One Year Devotions for Preschoolers, Crystal Bowman, 2004. pg. March 17).
That about sums it up, right? My mom is in her new "best body," and she is not in pain. And someday, I'll see her again and not have to cry anymore.
 |
| Mom, around 1980 |
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Starbucks Giveaway on HTB
Ok, one of my favorite bloggers is doing a $100.00 Starbucks giveaway on her blog. You can check out her blog (& the giveaway, but forgive me if I don't want you to win) here: http://theheirtoblair.com/2012/03/15/starbucks-tribute/comment-page-3/#comment-52304.
Good luck! :)
Good luck! :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
No Condemnation
I used to have a huge guilt complex. I still kind of do, actually. I used to look at God as a Father who punished. I used to look at the bad things that happened not as an opportunity to show that God's grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:7-10) but as a punishment for the sins I had committed. I am so immensely grateful for the book of Romans and the opportunity I had six years ago to study it in depth at BSF. God really broke a lot of these chains of guilt as I studied that book. I learned that He suffered to make me free, I learned about grace and how I could never, ever meet His standards of the Law on my own, but that we need Jesus in order to be sanctified and have a relationship with God. We cannot ever be "good enough" on our own. I continue to fall more and more in love with Jesus every time I open His Word. I continue to be struck in awestruck humility at His choice to come to earth and extend me mercy and grace.
At church on Sunday, we studied John 7:53-8:12, which is the story of the adulterous woman who was brought before Jesus for judgment. As Jesus wrote in the sand (the tenth commandment? the Pharisees' sins? who knows but God alone) and the Pharisees dropped their rocks, only Jesus the Perfect, sinless One and the woman remained. Now, Jesus who is God-Man, could've taken the opportunity to condemn her for her sins. He could've punished her. However, He chose to extend grace and mercy to her. He still hated the sin, but He let her go, telling her, "Go now and leave your life of sin" (8:11b).
In BSF this week we are studying Ephesians, which is described in the notes as presenting the "theme of the believer's relationship to Christ. Perhaps nowhere in all of Scripture is the believer's own preciousness to Christ and to God so gloriously revealed as in Ephesians." How precious to know that God has included this sweet part in His love letter to us. With the Holy Spirit's help, He enables us to be enlightened to the words of the Bible, in order that we may know "the riches of His glorious inheritance" (Ephesians 1:18b). God doesn't want us to remain in guilt, focused on our sin. He wants us to know "the rich glory of His inheritance in every one of His saints is to know our value to Him and to be enabled to approach Him with great confidence and joy." (BSF Notes, Acts of the Apostles, Less. 23, p. 6). Praise God for His rich grace and love, so that I no longer have to be stuck in the mindset of a guilty conscience or feel like I'm being punished.
Finally, our pastor gave a wonderful quote yesterday, which I'd like to share with you. "So when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: 'I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know that One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!'" - Martin Luther.
Are you still holding onto your past sins, remaining in your guilt, punishing yourself with your thoughts of inadequacy to ever be good enough? When will you give it to God who set you free in Christ so that you can share in His glorious inheritance?
At church on Sunday, we studied John 7:53-8:12, which is the story of the adulterous woman who was brought before Jesus for judgment. As Jesus wrote in the sand (the tenth commandment? the Pharisees' sins? who knows but God alone) and the Pharisees dropped their rocks, only Jesus the Perfect, sinless One and the woman remained. Now, Jesus who is God-Man, could've taken the opportunity to condemn her for her sins. He could've punished her. However, He chose to extend grace and mercy to her. He still hated the sin, but He let her go, telling her, "Go now and leave your life of sin" (8:11b).
In BSF this week we are studying Ephesians, which is described in the notes as presenting the "theme of the believer's relationship to Christ. Perhaps nowhere in all of Scripture is the believer's own preciousness to Christ and to God so gloriously revealed as in Ephesians." How precious to know that God has included this sweet part in His love letter to us. With the Holy Spirit's help, He enables us to be enlightened to the words of the Bible, in order that we may know "the riches of His glorious inheritance" (Ephesians 1:18b). God doesn't want us to remain in guilt, focused on our sin. He wants us to know "the rich glory of His inheritance in every one of His saints is to know our value to Him and to be enabled to approach Him with great confidence and joy." (BSF Notes, Acts of the Apostles, Less. 23, p. 6). Praise God for His rich grace and love, so that I no longer have to be stuck in the mindset of a guilty conscience or feel like I'm being punished.
Finally, our pastor gave a wonderful quote yesterday, which I'd like to share with you. "So when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: 'I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know that One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!'" - Martin Luther.
Are you still holding onto your past sins, remaining in your guilt, punishing yourself with your thoughts of inadequacy to ever be good enough? When will you give it to God who set you free in Christ so that you can share in His glorious inheritance?
Monday, March 5, 2012
29 Months
Time flies when you're having fun. :)
So, as you can see from the pictures, Zooey's quite the big girl now. She's getting more active and looking more like a big girl each day. She loves to run and climb. We moved her to a full size bed after we kept watching her roll out of her toddler bed, simply because there wasn't enough room for her. She sleeps really well now and has the room to roll.
Zooey loves:
~ice cream
~coloring
~her stuffed animals, which she plays with and rearranges to fall asleep at night
~putting her chapstick on in the morning
Zooey hates:
~She went through a phase where she HATED her jacket, but once we let her pick which one she got to wear, it got better.
~public restrooms (seriously, who doesn't?)
I've noticed this last month how much Zooey loves her routines. Every night, Ryan & Zooey play a game that he started where he gently tosses a stuffed turtle and her head and says boing, then she tosses it at him. It makes her giggle like crazy. There was one night when Ryan wasn't home to say good night. Zooey asked for Daddy, but she still went down fairly well. I looked at her on the video monitor, and she was patting the turtle on her head saying, "Boi." She's also gotten used to other things we do during the week, like going to Chick-Fil-A after the library storytime; she'll get in the car saying, "chicken." We usually watch TV while we have breakfast, and she always wants to watch Yo Gabba Gabba, followed by Dora ("Gabba" and "Doda"). I think it's really cute that she is figuring out her little world, and I love to hear her/see her tell me what's going to happen next.
Zooey's speech therapy is going really well. She is saying more words on the regular, and she has begun to put two words together, usually "MY" something. Typical two year old, right? :) She really loves her therapist, and when I say the therapist is coming over, she starts blowing kisses, which is something she does when she really likes something or someone. The biggest thing I'm learning is to let Zooey answer my questions and to give her at least two options as much as possible, then not giving her what she wants until she says the word. Zooey's receptive language is amazing, because I explain things really well to her (according to the ST :) not trying to brag here). On the downside, I have a tendency to ask a question, ie: "What did you find?" then immediately answer for her, "Oh, you found a stick." I'm trying to get better about both, and we really think it's helping. Ryan has been doing really well at increasing his narration of things, too.
I LOVE this stage. It is so much fun! I love rediscovering the world through my little girl's eyes. Everything is so full of wonder, and she has such contagious joy. I try to capture as much as I can on camera, because I know how fleeting it is. She is so amazing, and I cannot wait to see who she grows up to become.
 |
| At the zoo last week on a very lovely day |
 |
| Her favorite restaurant (Chick-Fil-A), with one of her favorite buddies, Kyle |
 |
| Going down the BIG slide at a local inside jump place |
 |
| In her new BIG big girl bed |
 |
| The artist at work |
Zooey loves:
~ice cream
~coloring
~her stuffed animals, which she plays with and rearranges to fall asleep at night
~putting her chapstick on in the morning
Zooey hates:
~She went through a phase where she HATED her jacket, but once we let her pick which one she got to wear, it got better.
~public restrooms (seriously, who doesn't?)
I've noticed this last month how much Zooey loves her routines. Every night, Ryan & Zooey play a game that he started where he gently tosses a stuffed turtle and her head and says boing, then she tosses it at him. It makes her giggle like crazy. There was one night when Ryan wasn't home to say good night. Zooey asked for Daddy, but she still went down fairly well. I looked at her on the video monitor, and she was patting the turtle on her head saying, "Boi." She's also gotten used to other things we do during the week, like going to Chick-Fil-A after the library storytime; she'll get in the car saying, "chicken." We usually watch TV while we have breakfast, and she always wants to watch Yo Gabba Gabba, followed by Dora ("Gabba" and "Doda"). I think it's really cute that she is figuring out her little world, and I love to hear her/see her tell me what's going to happen next.
Zooey's speech therapy is going really well. She is saying more words on the regular, and she has begun to put two words together, usually "MY" something. Typical two year old, right? :) She really loves her therapist, and when I say the therapist is coming over, she starts blowing kisses, which is something she does when she really likes something or someone. The biggest thing I'm learning is to let Zooey answer my questions and to give her at least two options as much as possible, then not giving her what she wants until she says the word. Zooey's receptive language is amazing, because I explain things really well to her (according to the ST :) not trying to brag here). On the downside, I have a tendency to ask a question, ie: "What did you find?" then immediately answer for her, "Oh, you found a stick." I'm trying to get better about both, and we really think it's helping. Ryan has been doing really well at increasing his narration of things, too.
I LOVE this stage. It is so much fun! I love rediscovering the world through my little girl's eyes. Everything is so full of wonder, and she has such contagious joy. I try to capture as much as I can on camera, because I know how fleeting it is. She is so amazing, and I cannot wait to see who she grows up to become.
Do EVERYTHING
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Colossians 3:23
God has been speaking to me about doing everything to His glory. Ephesians 1:4-6 says, "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." God has lavished His grace on us by the sacrifice of His Son to give me life. I need to live a life of thanksgiving that brings Him praise and honor. This is not just a life that goes to church on Sundays or prays when I need something. No, this is a life that gives Him praise in EVERYTHING I do. The way I live is to be a praise offering. When I'm "picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today," scraping stuck oatmeal out of the microwave, cleaning the toilet, scooping the cat litter, doing my gazillionth load of laundry...when I'm worshiping the Lord at church or teaching a child a memory verse...when I'm having a conversation or choosing a TV show to watch. All of these things are to bring God glory, so that others may see Him in me and praise Him, too. The ultimate goal of my life here on earth is not to be comfortably conformed to a worldly way of life, merely going with the flow, working with an attitude of resentment or resignation or trying to fit in; it is to be holy and blameless in God's sight. This is not a comfortable call, but I am confident it is one that will bring my Lord pleasure. And honestly, I want that more than anything else. How about you?
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