I feel like time has stopped. Things seem to freeze or go fast, and I feel out of sorts. We can be talking and laughing one minute and the next I will look at my mom, sleeping, and become so deeply sad that she won't be joining in our conversation like she used to. Although she is still my mom, everything is different. Although she is still alive, and I'm cherishing every moment I get to spend with her, I am already missing her and the way things used to be. I see a pair of earrings, and I cry, because I know she's not going to wear them to go out to lunch or come visit Zooey. I cry when I put her laundry away, knowing that she's only wearing nightgowns now. It saddens me when she tries to whisper something to us and she's so weak that we cannot understand her.

I worry over the fact she fell last night and couldn't get up...what if we don't hear her and she falls again?

Yesterday afternoon her blood pressure had dropped from about 98/70ish to 80/52. Today we woke up and went in to her room to find that she hadn't changed positions in eight hours and had been sound asleep the whole time. Her mouth was so dry it broke my heart, and her hands and feet are bluish grey. She is starting to have a hard time swallowing, and when Hospice came today they said that she will probably lose her ability to swallow in the next couple of days. She was prescribed a stronger pain patch for when that happens, so that she will remain comfortable and able to sleep.

I was SO blessed to be able to sit with her today for about 30 minutes praying and singing hymns as she was half asleep and resting; it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do this without breaking down in tears. After we were done, she said, "It's going to happen. Where is she?" We found out she meant my grandma. We feel it's going to be soon. I was priveleged to be able to read the Bible, some of my mom's favorite marked passages, to her and my family and experience God's peace come in the room. It was shortly after these times of worship that my mom was looking around the room asking, "What's that?" and telling us that she saw lights. I am certain that our Lord and His angels are present with her as she is close to being called home to Heaven. I marvel at this and wonder what kind of divine experience death is when you know Jesus, when you get so close you can see His light and hear His voice. I am sure my mom is being very blessed, very comforted and is experiencing Jesus' Love in a way unimaginable.

When my grandpa died, someone told me that it is a privelege to be with someone as they have one foot here and one foot in heaven, and I have to say, while this journey is heartbreaking, it has been a privelege to be with her and spend this time with her. It is also really encouraging me to tell others how I feel before it's too late. Jesus was always so open with His love and affection and even when He was disappointed...we are to follow His example in our life and our relationships; I want to be more like Him in this way.