Thank You Jesus

Well, Thanksgiving's come and gone, and although I didn't spend as much time as I should have on the day pondering all that I am grateful for this year, I am pondering it now. Sure, we went around the table and talked about what we were thankful for, and my list looked something like this:

Jesus
Ryan
Zooey
Tennyson
Family and renewed relationships

My mind cannot wrap itself around my heart and all the feelings that are associated with that list. More than ever this year, I have been struck with my sin, especially my sinful habits, and just how undeserving I am of Jesus' love. His love is so rich, His grace is so abundant. I am fully undeserving, and it makes me appreciate His sacrifice so much more than I think I ever have. I am thankful for sanctification. I am thankful that Jesus has grabbed my hand and is taking me along a lifelong journey with Him, one on which He will never let me go, where I will end it by looking into His eyes, His sweet face, and be brought to glory, fully sanctified before Him. I am thankful, that even though it hurt my pride, that He showed me what sins I need to be rid of, and I'm so thankful that I don't have to do it on my own. I'm thankful He showed me just how much I was trying to do that and how I was sweeping some of it under the rug, so to speak, but that it was just damaging me more and more, and that He has claim over my heart, because He calls me daughter and He has healed me. I feel inadequate, so inadequate, to serve Him, but He has called me to teach His Word to little children and He has called me to be a mommy to two precious little ones...despite my inadequacy...and I am thankful I don't have to do that alone, either. I'm thankful that His Spirit gives me power and strength and words to speak and patience in the moment when I whisper those arrow prayers, because I am this.close to losing my mind. I am thankful that at the end of the day, when I often replay all my "mistakes," that He is gently reminding me that those shameful reminders do NOT come from Him, and He can make all things new.

I am thankful that Jesus held me when I was in the pit of postpartum anxiety, and I felt like my world was crashing down around me and I was losing my mind. I am thankful for the sisters in Christ that He gave me who prayed over me and the one He gave me who prayed for me in the middle of the night when she got up to pee, because she knew that's when my anxiety was the worst. For the friend who would listen and remind me of Jesus' strength and how He wasn't surprised but always has a plan. For the sisters who came up to me and confided that they too had battled it and were praying for me and let me know if I needed them they were there. I am thankful for Sarah who would listen and tell me I wasn't a bad person, who would text me prayers and who would remind me of the techniques I knew to help me calm down. I am thankful for Ryan, who I could be brutally honest with during that time, who listened then reaffirmed that I am sane and who would then hug me and pray with me. I am thankful that Jesus pulled me out of the pit, too. He is there, even in the darkest moments of our lives.

I am thankful for Ryan. I am thankful that God gave me someone who is so "chill" and doesn't indulge my every freak-out. I am thankful for the father he is, how he is silly and lets Zooey put tiaras on him and listens to her stories about Jake and Peter Pan, even when she's told them fifty times in an afternoon. I am thankful for his strength, for his sure and steady faith, for the ways he says, "No I'm not worried; God's not surprised," and the way he holds me as he prays over the concerns of our family and how he is a great model of how to leave it there with Jesus and stop dwelling on it.

I am thankful for my Zooey bug and the lessons God is teaching me through her. She is so kind, gentle, compassionate. She loves big and forgives easily. She is spunky and easygoing. She brings so much joy to my life!

I am thankful for my little Tennyson, who I prayed for for so long. He is a blessing from God! I look at his sweet face and am again in awe of the miracle of life and how God knits together little babies inside their mother's wombs.

I am thankful for Sarah and how God has brought us closer together through our little boys. I am so grateful that I get to study God's Word with her at BSF, which is something I got to do with my mom. I feel like God granted us this time together. I am thankful for her encouragement and love and prayers and the way she can make me laugh, sometimes harder than anyone else can. That girl is funny!

I am also thankful for time spent with family on Thanksgiving and for memories that will last a lifetime. For my dad and my grandma, who cared for me when I was a baby and who love my babies now. It was a blessed day!