I noticed that I look at pictures of my mom, and I think "before cancer." I then get very sad and think about how much better things were before we had this diagnosis hanging over our heads every minute of every day. I wonder if I will always think this way? I wonder if things will ever feel "normal" again without the gigantic fat elephant invading my brain and every family event and conversation. We were sitting around talking today, and we admitted that we were thinking "what if this is her last Easter?" I realize these thoughts are normal. I realize that as part of grief I will think these things for every major event this year and maybe next year. I realize that the emotion that comes with grief hits the hardest at certain times or seasons. It just sucks. I mean, there's really no better way to say it other than cancer sucks, and I hate it. Oh, and grief sucks, too.
My mom met with Dr. B. this week to discuss her treatment options. As we were informed by Dr. L. after her surgery, her cancer has a final staging of stage 2. Dr. B. explained once again how the sarcoidosis has made her lymph nodes super hard (Dr. L. told her he'd never seen anything like it), so they were unable to take the full lung out which is what they would normally try to do in a situation like hers where cancer was found in these lymph nodes and where some other mass was spotted. In the next three weeks, she is to eat a lot of protein and try to gain some weight. Sometime around April 19th, she will begin radiation treatment five days a week for 7 weeks, and on the first & last 6 days of that she will also undergo chemo. Here is where I stopped typing for a bit to gather my thoughts and emotions. My mom is...scared. I cannot imagine. I myself am scared to see her go through all that pain. Scared to see her ill and weak and unable to eat. I mean, who wants to see their mom - the one who nourished them from birth, the one who painstakingly cared for them when they were sick, the strong one, the one they still call up when they don't feel good or need advice - undergo such treatments? No one I know of. However, I know that the treatment beats not treating it. Stage 2 gives her a statistic of a 50-60% survival rate, which brings us all hope.
I went to a first birthday party yesterday. When the boy's mommy handed him off to someone else, he would start crying and looking for her. She had to reassure him she was there, either by rubbing his back or talking to him gently or holding him. That's how I feel. I feel like a one year old with separation anxiety who clings with all their might to their mommy, except in this case, the one I am clinging to is Jesus. He's the ONLY constant. I don't know what I would do without Him, and as I celebrated Easter this year and thought about all He endured and how He conquered death victoriously and rose from the dead, the thing that touched my heart and my soul the most was that Jesus walked in human flesh, so He gets it. He gets pain. He gets suffering. He gets temptation. And I am thankful beyond words that my Lord put on skin and died for me. Without Him, I would be completely lost; I would be nothing. In this and every situation, I wouldn't know where to turn. He is constant. He is Savior. He is my Comfort and my Friend. Praise be to God for His great sacrifice and the victory He alone could claim.
My mom met with Dr. B. this week to discuss her treatment options. As we were informed by Dr. L. after her surgery, her cancer has a final staging of stage 2. Dr. B. explained once again how the sarcoidosis has made her lymph nodes super hard (Dr. L. told her he'd never seen anything like it), so they were unable to take the full lung out which is what they would normally try to do in a situation like hers where cancer was found in these lymph nodes and where some other mass was spotted. In the next three weeks, she is to eat a lot of protein and try to gain some weight. Sometime around April 19th, she will begin radiation treatment five days a week for 7 weeks, and on the first & last 6 days of that she will also undergo chemo. Here is where I stopped typing for a bit to gather my thoughts and emotions. My mom is...scared. I cannot imagine. I myself am scared to see her go through all that pain. Scared to see her ill and weak and unable to eat. I mean, who wants to see their mom - the one who nourished them from birth, the one who painstakingly cared for them when they were sick, the strong one, the one they still call up when they don't feel good or need advice - undergo such treatments? No one I know of. However, I know that the treatment beats not treating it. Stage 2 gives her a statistic of a 50-60% survival rate, which brings us all hope.
I went to a first birthday party yesterday. When the boy's mommy handed him off to someone else, he would start crying and looking for her. She had to reassure him she was there, either by rubbing his back or talking to him gently or holding him. That's how I feel. I feel like a one year old with separation anxiety who clings with all their might to their mommy, except in this case, the one I am clinging to is Jesus. He's the ONLY constant. I don't know what I would do without Him, and as I celebrated Easter this year and thought about all He endured and how He conquered death victoriously and rose from the dead, the thing that touched my heart and my soul the most was that Jesus walked in human flesh, so He gets it. He gets pain. He gets suffering. He gets temptation. And I am thankful beyond words that my Lord put on skin and died for me. Without Him, I would be completely lost; I would be nothing. In this and every situation, I wouldn't know where to turn. He is constant. He is Savior. He is my Comfort and my Friend. Praise be to God for His great sacrifice and the victory He alone could claim.
On another note, Zooey had great fun this Easter. She really likes going to church and being in the nursery; all the workers say she's a great baby and loves to watch the other babies. I bet she's thinking of how fun it will be when she can crawl around! We had a nice brunch at our house with my parents, sisters & their hubbies, my nieces and nephews and Grandma. Here are a couple of cute pic's of Miss Z from today.
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