The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.
I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.
This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.
I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?
The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11
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