My mom's been gone ten months now. I still get kicked in the heart and gut by the grief. Like today, when I was preparing paperwork for my grandma's care and saw her writing on some old forms. There are fleeting moments where it still doesn't seem real. I miss her every day. Some days, like today, I miss her more than others. Last summer at this time she bought some toys for our backyard, so Zooey could have a "nice backyard to play in like (me) and Sarah did." When we went out to play this week, I couldn't help but think of her. I wonder what she's doing? I know heaven is a place with no suffering and pleasure, where she can talk to Jesus face to face. I wonder what it's like and how she spends her "time," since time really has no meaning there. I picture her on a beach with a dog in her lap. Or maybe she's playing with the toddlers and babies who are with Jesus, too. Maybe she even gets to meet some of my friend's babies who have gone before and let them know how much we prayed for them and how much their parents love them. Who knows...of course it's all a guess until we get there ourselves. I know those things brought her immense pleasure here. She was such a loving, courageous, amazing woman.
I've been thinking about how I always thought my mom had no pain tolerance and how she was scared of the pain of the cancer. I thought for certain that she'd complain or be wiped out a lot sooner than she was. She was, in the words of one of the nurses she had, stoic. At our July 4 celebration last year, we could see she was in pain and weak, but she continued to press on, only giving in when it got absolutely too unbearable. I think she was in a lot more pain than she ever let on. I'm so thankful she's not in pain now.
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