Fear

God is so good. Two weeks ago, I did not get my Bible study complete. I am catching up on that week this week. God placed the lessons I missed on today's calendar for a reason. I really struggle with fear. Like, a LOT. I suffer from anxiety, first of all, but I tend to let my anxious thoughts control my mind too much. Today I learned that fear isn't an idol, but the things we fear often are our idol. When asked the question "how does fear play into one of your main functional gods," the Lord gave me with sudden clarity the main things I fear: being abandoned, being disliked, loss of a loved one. This plays into my functional god, which is others opinions of me and my own self feeling secure. I like to be comfortable; I don't like to hurt. I also realized how afraid I am to let go of my fear (crazy, I know), because letting go means admitting how little control I really have over the things that fear me. I have had this revelation before, but for some reason today it really stood out to me. Last night was a rough mom night. I can often feel the rough moments of my grief building up. What do I do? I distract myself. Or I try to run away (literally - sometimes I'll workout to take my mind off it). The feeling of a complete and utter meltdown is SCARY to me. I don't like it. I don't like feeling that much pain. Why I try to escape, I don't know...I know the pain is going to hit whether I let it then or later. Notice the pattern, though: I avoid it or I refocus my attention on something else (those things that I sometimes let become little gods - entertainment, fitness). Reading a book or going for a run are good things, however, when I let them take the place of God, they're not. As I finally collapsed in His arms last night, I realized how much more comforting His Word is and the knowledge of His character are than any of the other stuff. He brings peace. The other stuff may distract me or take me away from a moment of grief, but they still leave me with a feeling of edginess, because I know it's going to catch up to me. So, I finally told Him. I told Him all the things that scare me, the things I don't want to think about. July is approaching, and last July was really rough. I don't like thinking about how I knew she was going to die soon, how she (seemingly) rapidly went from being ok to being bed-ridden, how the terminal aggitation was heartbreaking. I don't like to think about the family celebrations we had last July (the 4th and Zooey's early birthday party), because right now all I can think about is the little things like my mom not eating very much or being so weak she couldn't help us in the kitchen. The good memories are hard to remember. I don't like to think about the end, especially when those thoughts overcome the good memories. God held me and let me know that I need to process all of that, and He's there. I clicked the Bible app on my phone, and the verse that lit up the dark was Psalm 27:14 - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." He's going to get me through this. God is so sweet. I woke up this morning still feeling sad, and He gave me a bunch of verses on fear to look at. The ones that stood out to me the most were: Psalm 112:7 - "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Psalm 56:3-4a - "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid." The grief will fade in time. I have no reason to fear. My God is great, He is with me. He will walk me through the valley to the other side. Although my mom is gone from this world, my God tells the truth, and I know she's with Him. The truth He whispered to me last night is true: the same arms that hold her there hold me here. That's so comforting to know.