Missing

This morning Zooey was talking away, saying "mo nana" (more banana) and "kitty cat" and "TaTa" (Tiny, our dog). She was smiley and happy as she always is in the morning, and I so wanted to text a picture to my mom. I wanted to call her and tell her how she said "mo nana." My mom always shared these little things with me at a level of enthusiasm that no one else did, not even Ryan sometimes. My heart aches with missing her today.

She gave me her chain reference Bible, which I've never seen before. I wanted to ask her to explain it to me, to share with me why she liked it so much, but she wasn't here to do that. I remember her telling me before she died that she wanted me to have it, because I'm in BSF and it helped her a lot when she was in BSF. Oh, I miss her.

The funeral on Thursday brought a real finality to the past week, to her death, but left me with a kind of "now what?" feeling. My sweet friend told me that now I have to learn to do the "new normal." I guess she's right, but it's uncharted territory. I talked to my mom everyday on the phone or in person. As my aunt said yesterday, moms are often the ones who kind of hold the family together. My mom certainly was the glue, and now we have to learn to share all that togetherness without her.