Heartsick

We were told today to "get ready" by Matt (the nurse). He said based on her vitals (BP 90/40 & pulse 132) and the fact that she's now in a semi-comatose state that he's guessing five days, possibly sooner. Although I haven't had a real conversation with my mom in over two weeks and she's not really herself, this is still majorly difficult. I feel heartsick. I feel so incredibly sad. I feel panicked that her life is almost over, that her time here on earth is almost up. It is so hard to see her like this, not really responding to what we say. I know she can hear us, but this isn't the same. I feel at a loss for words; I'm just so sad. I don't want to lose her, yet I don't want to see her suffer anymore. I know that "to live is Christ and to die is gain," but when I'm looking at her sweet face, I just want her here. I want to talk to her about Zooey and hear the excitement in her voice. I want to give her a hug and feel her arms hug me back. I read Phil. 4 to her and sang some of her favorite hymns tonight. She was agitated and this seemed to calm her a bit. I hate this. I hate the pain for me, for Zooey, my dad, for my sister, for my grandma and for the rest of my family. I love her so much.

When shadows fall on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When all seems lost & we're thrown & we're tossed

We'll remember the cost

We rest in it

The shadow of the cross