Monday afternoon I had an appointment for a uterine ultrasound to make sure that everything was “normal,” due to the septum I had removed back in 2001. Apparently, anomalies can form when you are in the womb that could cause you to have all sorts of different problems. I’m thankful to God and happy to report that my uterus is normal and attached to the muscles, and I have normal ovaries with healthy blood flow. The doctor was even able to ascertain that I had ovulated this month…that last piece of news has been driving me crazy all week! I made a personal decision that I would not take a pregnancy test until the first day of my cycle – which is still a week away. A hard choice, but I’m trying to protect myself both from false hope and false bad news by trusting the accuracy level on those things is closer to the 99% on the first day. I feel like I’m counting down minutes and seconds: “only 6 more days, 12 hours” until I can take a test. I’ve “felt” like I could be pregnant for about a week, but that’s probably just me experiencing wishful thinking. I’ve been kind of nauseous all week, but then again there’s a stomach bug going around. I almost fainted on Tuesday, but I had a very early dinner Monday and very little breakfast. I’ve been exhausted, but maybe I just slept too much this past weekend. I felt some cramping yesterday. Each of these things brings hope that I could be pregnant, but I must talk myself down in case I’m not. My mind jogs through thoughts like “Don’t get your hopes up; you’re probably not pregnant.” This is such an exciting time in our lives: this choice to try for a baby. The waiting is also very nerve-wrenching! I have been very conscious about stopping the negative thought process, though. The thoughts of what can go wrong are just all too consuming and depressing, and the “what if’s” are the things I must place at God’s feet with all the trust I can muster.
Our pastor gave a sermon two weeks ago on Psalm 139:13-18 and reminded all of us that God is the superintendent of life from conception through one’s entire life. As I sat there, I thought about all the things I give “worry” to, and I was reminded by him that God has cared for me this long – He’s not going to let me go now. And I thought that the same goes for our little ones. Whether they are formed immediately, or we have to wait awhile, God is superintendent of their creation, too. For He IS Creator. I am so thankful I was raised in a home that taught me about Jesus, and I am grateful beyond my own understanding that I am able to cling to Him.
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