Oh, my! I can see how this two week wait can totally consume you. I am so frustrated at the fact I have to wait and wish the time would hurry up. After I took (another) negative early test on Sunday morning, just to be sure my hormone levels weren't higher in the morning, I decided to just wait until I had originally decided to test - this Wednesday or Thursday, maybe even Friday, if I can wait that long. I sense yet again that the Lord is trying to teach me patience. So much of my life has been about this...how stubborn I feel that I haven't gotten it yet.
I read an article about how signs a woman imagines may not really be fully imagined, because even if a woman doesn't conceive, her body is preparing itself for being pregnant after ovulation. Apparantly, most women don't notice it most of the time, but when they're waiting to get pregnant, they notice all of it. That's obviously me. I was so depressed last night and this morning, because I was experiencing some cramping that felt very familiar; however, there is still no sign that I'm NOT pregnant...so I keep hoding onto hope that I am. This desire of my heart burns greater than any logic. I can try to tell myself (& others can tell me, too) that I'm not pregnant or to just be patient or that most couples don't conceive for six months. It's like my excitedness will not listen to the logic. I always thought it would just happen the first month, like it did for my mom and for others I have known through life. I cannot imagine waiting six months - or longer. I cannot imagine all the things that could go wrong. I just pray that it won't and that God will hold me if it does. And that He'll hold me and help me to trust His perfect timing if this month's not the month. I have wanted a child for as long as I can remember. My dream career as a child was to be a mommy. Maybe a teacher, too, but definitely a mommy. :) Ryan's so calm about all this, and I can tell he thinks I am getting way to excited - I am excited. Don't get me wrong; Ryan is very supportive and definitely helps me to remain calm. I have waited for this step in my life's journey for a very long time.
This "journaling" is such a good outlet for me. It always has been, really, I just seem to fall in and out of it through different spells in my life. It helps me get my thoughts in order and obsess a little less. It helps me reign in my emotions which if unbridled have a tendency to get way out of control and be a source of frustration not just for me but for those close to me.
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