I wish I could hear my mom's voice. I read a note from her today, and I could almost hear her saying the words. I'm scared I will forget her voice. I wish I could give her a big hug and breathe in her smell...that smell of fresh laundry, a hint of perfume, clinique makeup and "clean." I'm scared I will forget this, too. I remember her tucking me into bed when I was little, leaning over and giving me a kiss. I remember her smell and her saying "I love you." I remember her coming in my room in the morning to wake me up as I got older and singing "Good morning, good morning, good morning; it's time to rise & shine," and whipping the blinds open, letting the sun hit me in the face, then yanking my covers off me. (I'm not a morning person.) At the time that really made me mad, now it makes me smile. I remember her leading me to the Lord on my bedroom floor, holding my hands. I remember her stroking my hand with her thumb while she held it tightly in the car, while I watched raindrops slide down the windshield on the way to the mall one time. I remember her conspiring in the kitchen with me & Sarah, making my dad a cup of hot water and telling him it was coffee, because he told her that she made coffee too weak and it tasted like hot water. I remember when she was pregnant with Sarah, how I got to feel kicks as my mom lay on the couch, she held my hand against her belly. I remember going to see Sarah in the hospital and my mom looked so tired....but she still gave me a tight hug. I remember she used to let me & Sarah have "slumber parties" with her on some nights when my dad was out of town at the auction; I loved snuggling up with them in her bed. I remember laying my head on her lap on the couch at night while we watched TV, and she'd play with my hair. She used to do my hair for drill team and ROTC. She did my hair and makeup for almost every school dance, she helped me pick out a dress and she took lots of pictures. I used to call her every week after church or about my BSF lesson and talk to her about it. I miss her input; she was so wise. I loved my mom's laugh. It was contagious, full of joy, she really enjoyed humor. I remember even in the end, when I lay with her in bed, she still smelled like her. She whispered, "I love you." I know this post was a bunch of rambling, but I have to hold onto these memories. I have to be able to go back & reread them when I can't think of anything but the illness making her weaker. Otherwise, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel afraid that I won't remember anything good.

What's so hard, what's sometimes hardest of all, and if you're close to your mom, you'll get this - I wish I could call her and talk to her about my feelings. I wish I could tell her how crushed I am that, how the grief overwhelms me sometimes and leaves me feeling so sad and alone in the pain. She was my mom. She always knew just what to say or do...sometimes it was just an "I know," or "I love you." Sometimes she'd send me a card or call me the next morning to make sure I was ok after I faced heartbreak. When I went through my divorce, when I was crushed and betrayed, she drove up to CO to see me the very next day after it happened. She held me; that was enough. A mom is a mom, you know? No one and nothing can quite comfort you the same way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to everyone, but that loss of having her to talk to hurts so much. It wasn't just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Like when Zooey does her little bouncy dance, or I want to send her a picture text of sleeping Zooey (those were some of her favorites), or when Zooey loved the smarties on Halloween, just like her grandma did...I can tell someone else, but it's just not the same.

I know my posts have been a little "down" lately, but please understand that writing is what helps me through when I feel this way. It helps to get this out...and just like I started this blog to work through all my pregnancy neurosis, I continue to write to work through my emotions. Thank you for running this race alongside me. Facebook is removing the capacity to automatically upload and sync my blog to FB, so if you've been following on FB and would like to continue following the blog, here is the link: http://souledoutgirl.blogspot.com/.