My mom has been gone from this earth for six months today.
I've been thinking about her a lot. Sometimes it's little things, like how I was remembering her love for "drama." I was reminiscing about the time there was an seemingly intoxicated person on one of the residential streets in our neighborhood who fell asleep on the side of the road. My mom called the police and waited until they came. We were with her in the car...I was probably about 15. Or the time my grandma's purse got snatched at the pool on my 12th birthday. After they found her purse in a dumpster, my mom, grandma, Sarah & I got all detective on the guy and basically started stalking the area looking for him. Probably not too safe, but we had fun. Other times I think about huge things she did for us, like pray for her family in detail and consistently ever since she became a Christian. Or how she stayed home to raise us and wanted nothing for us but that we know the Lord and follow Him well. Sarah and I both have had some separate issues in the last week that have just been overwhelming for each of us. She called me for her issue; I spoke to her about mine. We both agreed that it's just not the same as being able to pick up the phone and call our mom.
Half a year...who would've thought I'd make it this long? I sure didn't feel like it. I miss her so much.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
28 Months
It feels like I haven't posted about Zooey in forever! Zooey's now 28 months old. When I look at Zooey now, I see a little girl. The only time I really see remnants of the baby she was is when she's asleep with her little lip bottom pouting out. She is growing so fast! She's so beautiful, she always takes my breath away.
Zooey weighs 26.5 pounds, according to the scale at home. I'm not sure how tall she is, exactly, but she's almost outgrown all her 24 month pants and is growing quickly into her 2T's. 24 month shirts no longer fit her. Her hair is beautiful, red & curly and goes down to the middle of her back when it's wet. Her arms and legs no longer have those little baby rolls. Her smile is astonishing, and I love her belly laughs.
Zooey loves:
~belly tickles
~running (& she is absolutely adorable they way she bounces down the hall gleefully!)
~the Bible & Jesus; she asks to read her Bible all the time, and her favorite books are those with Bible stories
~saying NO (although we're not too fond of this one!)
~play doh
~bubbles, which we blow during bath time
~bath time, especially picking out & throwing her color tabs into the tub
~coloring; when her crayons are put away, she will usually run to the drawer in the hall, pointing and saying "color" for me to take them out
~tomato soup...soup was a first for her this month, and she'll only eat tomato (which by the way, I ate a lot of when I was pregnant)
~Yo Gabba Gabba
Zooey is now:
~Sleeping in a big girl bed. She transitioned pretty well. She still rolls out occasionally onto pillows on the floor, but I know she'll get used to those invisible boundaries soon enough.
~Speaking in more "jargon" versus babbling. (Zooey will begin speech therapy sometime next month. We'd appreciate your prayers for this, that we'd be quick learners in implementing new skills and practicing with her, and that she'd be comfortable with the therapist and learn quickly, too. She's incredibly smart, so I am very confident that she will catch on fast.)
~Saying the word no (did I mention that already?) and even running away when she doesn't want to do something we ask.
~She's also saying "Ya." Which I think is so adorable! "Zooey, did you have fun?" "Ya!" "Zooey, do you want some ice cream?" "YA!!"
~Going down all the slides at the park by herself. If you'll remember at the end of the summer, she had just gotten over her fear of slides. Now she conquers even the highest slide with bravery!
Zooey dislikes:
~For some reason, she gets upset when it's potty time. We think she just doesn't like to take the time out to go. She almost always says no, even when she has to go. A phase, I guess...
~Green veggies, which she used to love. I'm hoping this is a phase, too!
I know I say it a lot, but I continue to be amazed with how fast time goes. Zooey's 2! Having a two year old is definitely challenging sometimes. Zooey is a strong-willed child, so there are moments I really want to pull my hair out and take my own time out. She wants to be independent so bad! But there are some very sweet moments, too, like when she wants me to color with her or sit down and play babies with her or do puzzles, and she comes up and grabs my finger or shirt saying, "Mama." Or the sense of pride I take in her pride over coming down the big slide or climbing on the couch without her stool (she's a shorty!). I have a confession to make: I've taken a couple of naps with Zooey in her big girl bed (something I swore I'd never do!). I am tucking her in sometimes and am so sleepy and say "one little snuggle," and before I know it, I'm waking up from a nap. Oh my! Defintely not a habit, but I have to admit, those snuggles are pretty great. She is just such a gift. There are no words to how thankful I am for her, for how much I love her. Being a mom is pretty great.
Zooey weighs 26.5 pounds, according to the scale at home. I'm not sure how tall she is, exactly, but she's almost outgrown all her 24 month pants and is growing quickly into her 2T's. 24 month shirts no longer fit her. Her hair is beautiful, red & curly and goes down to the middle of her back when it's wet. Her arms and legs no longer have those little baby rolls. Her smile is astonishing, and I love her belly laughs.
Zooey loves:
~belly tickles
~running (& she is absolutely adorable they way she bounces down the hall gleefully!)
~the Bible & Jesus; she asks to read her Bible all the time, and her favorite books are those with Bible stories
~saying NO (although we're not too fond of this one!)
~play doh
~bubbles, which we blow during bath time
~bath time, especially picking out & throwing her color tabs into the tub
~coloring; when her crayons are put away, she will usually run to the drawer in the hall, pointing and saying "color" for me to take them out
~tomato soup...soup was a first for her this month, and she'll only eat tomato (which by the way, I ate a lot of when I was pregnant)
~Yo Gabba Gabba
Zooey is now:
~Sleeping in a big girl bed. She transitioned pretty well. She still rolls out occasionally onto pillows on the floor, but I know she'll get used to those invisible boundaries soon enough.
~Speaking in more "jargon" versus babbling. (Zooey will begin speech therapy sometime next month. We'd appreciate your prayers for this, that we'd be quick learners in implementing new skills and practicing with her, and that she'd be comfortable with the therapist and learn quickly, too. She's incredibly smart, so I am very confident that she will catch on fast.)
~Saying the word no (did I mention that already?) and even running away when she doesn't want to do something we ask.
~She's also saying "Ya." Which I think is so adorable! "Zooey, did you have fun?" "Ya!" "Zooey, do you want some ice cream?" "YA!!"
~Going down all the slides at the park by herself. If you'll remember at the end of the summer, she had just gotten over her fear of slides. Now she conquers even the highest slide with bravery!
Zooey dislikes:
~For some reason, she gets upset when it's potty time. We think she just doesn't like to take the time out to go. She almost always says no, even when she has to go. A phase, I guess...
~Green veggies, which she used to love. I'm hoping this is a phase, too!
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| Laughing at Yo Gabba Gabba |
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| checking out her new big girl bed |
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| at a local playroom |
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| Post-church Cracker Barrell brunch |
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| Play Doh with RaRa |
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| Night one big girl bed! |
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| "Weee! I love slides!" |
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| Playing at the kitchen sink with water - another new favorite |
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| Checking out the mastadon skull at the museum |
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| Dinner with family, flirting with Uncle Rey |
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| at the indoor jump play place |
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| Loving the slides! |
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Having a Two Year Old is Awesome!
I spent the morning at a local indoor play place for kids that's becoming a favorite of ours. It really struck me through conversation with a friend how much I love the age Zooey is at right now. It is such a fun age! Her imagination is really picking up, as is her attention span. Where as she used to spend time playing with one toy, then another and another and another all without any real focus, she will now actually pretend-play. We spent a good five minutes making "sandwiches" and another ten with her "feeding me" cookies dipped in chocolate sauce & peanut butter (even in pretend play, my kid knows what's up when it comes to food!). She also loved to sit and flip through a look & find book with me and even spent some time coloring on a chalk board with her little friend, Sybella. She took a stuffed bear up the ladder on the slide and pushed it down, laughing the whole time, before she herself went down. She "drove" a school bus for a good chunk of time. It just really is a fun age. Today was one of those days I wish I could bottle up and take out later to bask in. That's why I took a lot of pictures! To finish up our morning, we went to Chick-fil-A, where I had promised I get her an ice cream. As we shared our "girl's lunch," the sun was bouncing off Zooey's hair, and she smiled and carried on quite the conversation with me about her love of ketchup, and I realized again how incredibly blessed I am to be this little girl's mommy.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Heart's Desires
"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4, NLT
I used to read this verse and think that if I followed all the rules, then God would give me what I want. Ha. Ha. Hahaha! I'm so blessed He's brought me past that wrong way of thinking. Because, guess what? Every time I didn't follow all the rules, I was totally broken and dismayed by my level of guilt, thinking my own inability to please God was the reason I wasn't happy. Romans 3:9b-12 says, "We have already made the charge that Jews & Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written, 'There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one." I could never - never, ever, never - please God on my own. Thank God that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and cover me with His grace, so that now when God looks at me, He sees Jesus' purity and accepts me into His family.
How does one "take delight in the Lord?" By reading His Word, by poring over it and making Him your passion. By carving out the time to form a real, personal relationship with Him just as you would do with your closest friend. What would happen if you didn't carve out time with your friend? The relationship would become stagnant, non-existent. What happens when you don't carve out time for God? You start seeking fulfillment and happiness elsewhere, you start looking for pleasures that abound in the world, but are fleeting and still leave you wanting. The relationship grows stagnant, and God lets you go out and explore...He gives you over to these temporary desires. But these desires, even the good ones (having a good career, finding the love of your life, having a child, making and keeping friends) are still all earthly things, so they still don't fulfill. So, what is God talking about when He says He'll give you your heart's desires? When we delight in the Lord, we start to see things from His Word, His will and His perspective. Simply put, our desires change. They begin to mesh with His desires for our lives, because His desires for us are best. He wants us to be free and at peace and find joy - even when we don't necessarily feel it. There will be hurts, there will be suffering; sometimes our deepest wants won't be met. But when we make God's desires the center of our heart for our lives, we will be fulfilled in a way that's indescribable. It's indescribably by human terms, because it comes from Him. It's why we can rejoice in suffering, because of the hope He offers.
No one can guess the secret will of God, and you know what? Sometimes it doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair and we just don't understand. The good news is: He does. And someday, when we give it over to Him, He'll show us why He arranged things just so. And we'll say, "Aha! I get it now!"
I used to read this verse and think that if I followed all the rules, then God would give me what I want. Ha. Ha. Hahaha! I'm so blessed He's brought me past that wrong way of thinking. Because, guess what? Every time I didn't follow all the rules, I was totally broken and dismayed by my level of guilt, thinking my own inability to please God was the reason I wasn't happy. Romans 3:9b-12 says, "We have already made the charge that Jews & Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written, 'There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one." I could never - never, ever, never - please God on my own. Thank God that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and cover me with His grace, so that now when God looks at me, He sees Jesus' purity and accepts me into His family.
How does one "take delight in the Lord?" By reading His Word, by poring over it and making Him your passion. By carving out the time to form a real, personal relationship with Him just as you would do with your closest friend. What would happen if you didn't carve out time with your friend? The relationship would become stagnant, non-existent. What happens when you don't carve out time for God? You start seeking fulfillment and happiness elsewhere, you start looking for pleasures that abound in the world, but are fleeting and still leave you wanting. The relationship grows stagnant, and God lets you go out and explore...He gives you over to these temporary desires. But these desires, even the good ones (having a good career, finding the love of your life, having a child, making and keeping friends) are still all earthly things, so they still don't fulfill. So, what is God talking about when He says He'll give you your heart's desires? When we delight in the Lord, we start to see things from His Word, His will and His perspective. Simply put, our desires change. They begin to mesh with His desires for our lives, because His desires for us are best. He wants us to be free and at peace and find joy - even when we don't necessarily feel it. There will be hurts, there will be suffering; sometimes our deepest wants won't be met. But when we make God's desires the center of our heart for our lives, we will be fulfilled in a way that's indescribable. It's indescribably by human terms, because it comes from Him. It's why we can rejoice in suffering, because of the hope He offers.
No one can guess the secret will of God, and you know what? Sometimes it doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair and we just don't understand. The good news is: He does. And someday, when we give it over to Him, He'll show us why He arranged things just so. And we'll say, "Aha! I get it now!"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Waiting for Glory
I titled this blog after Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I love how Paul uses running a race and staying strong and firm so many times in his words and letters. This morning, I read Acts 20:24, "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." This is the kind of life I want to lead. I want to love like Jesus loves. I want to turn from my sin and be pure and holy.
The Lord has really convicted me this morning of some sins I need to turn from. Gossip that sneaks into conversations, a bitter root that's been seeded and watered and is growing in my heart, unforgiveness...among other things. My prayer is that the Lord will help me to turn so fully from these sins that I am like the Ephesians who burned their scrolls of sinful sorcery, so they couldn't turn back to it even if they wanted to. They completely removed the temptation from themselves. (Acts 19:18-20). I am praying about how to do best do this, but I do know that part of it will include being bold in my obedience to Christ, even if others might be "offended" by my passion, even if others might call me obsessed or uptight. After all, the whole purpose of our lives here on earth is to be holy, set apart for God. Paul encouraged the Thessalonians in both of his letters to them to stay strong in God's word and remain obedient to Him. In 1 Thessalonians, the text that really stands out to me is "Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil." (1 Thes. 5:21-22). And in 2 Thessalonians 3:15, Paul writes, "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter." As a Christian, I am not to live this life as the world does, moment by moment, doing whatever feels good at the time, be it entertainment (movies, books, off-color jokes, drinking myself to drunkenness, etc.). I am also not to waste my time away in a saddened state, pondering the big Why's (why did my mom die? why does God allow babies to be raped and killed?). As a Christian, I am called to be passionate and obsessed with God's Word, with living a life that is God-honoring and looking toward Christ's return, living and working for Him. As I read this week, "A person who is obsessed with Jesus thinks about heaven frequently. Obsessed people orient their lives around eternity; they are not fixed only on what is here in front of them." (Francis Chan, Crazy Love).
What is this going to look like in my daily life? Well, one thing is for certain: Scripture makes it very clear to us that true belief in Christ requires obedience to Christ. To have received Jesus as Lord and Savior is shown by careful study and obedience to God's Word. I am so thankful that God has been helping me to get up each morning to spend time with Him before I go on with my day. I am thankful that He's revealed these sins to me and am asking Him to change me from the inside out. I am praying for courage in facing people who want me to compromise, or who may think the compromise isn't compromise but merely something harmless or that perhaps I'm being too uptight. While these words may hurt, I am convinced that having Jesus ask me why I went along with it, with tenderness in His eyes on His Day is going to hurt my heart a whole lot more. I want to make good choices today, no every moment, so that when He comes in Glory, I can be found watching and working for Him.
The Lord has really convicted me this morning of some sins I need to turn from. Gossip that sneaks into conversations, a bitter root that's been seeded and watered and is growing in my heart, unforgiveness...among other things. My prayer is that the Lord will help me to turn so fully from these sins that I am like the Ephesians who burned their scrolls of sinful sorcery, so they couldn't turn back to it even if they wanted to. They completely removed the temptation from themselves. (Acts 19:18-20). I am praying about how to do best do this, but I do know that part of it will include being bold in my obedience to Christ, even if others might be "offended" by my passion, even if others might call me obsessed or uptight. After all, the whole purpose of our lives here on earth is to be holy, set apart for God. Paul encouraged the Thessalonians in both of his letters to them to stay strong in God's word and remain obedient to Him. In 1 Thessalonians, the text that really stands out to me is "Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil." (1 Thes. 5:21-22). And in 2 Thessalonians 3:15, Paul writes, "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter." As a Christian, I am not to live this life as the world does, moment by moment, doing whatever feels good at the time, be it entertainment (movies, books, off-color jokes, drinking myself to drunkenness, etc.). I am also not to waste my time away in a saddened state, pondering the big Why's (why did my mom die? why does God allow babies to be raped and killed?). As a Christian, I am called to be passionate and obsessed with God's Word, with living a life that is God-honoring and looking toward Christ's return, living and working for Him. As I read this week, "A person who is obsessed with Jesus thinks about heaven frequently. Obsessed people orient their lives around eternity; they are not fixed only on what is here in front of them." (Francis Chan, Crazy Love).
What is this going to look like in my daily life? Well, one thing is for certain: Scripture makes it very clear to us that true belief in Christ requires obedience to Christ. To have received Jesus as Lord and Savior is shown by careful study and obedience to God's Word. I am so thankful that God has been helping me to get up each morning to spend time with Him before I go on with my day. I am thankful that He's revealed these sins to me and am asking Him to change me from the inside out. I am praying for courage in facing people who want me to compromise, or who may think the compromise isn't compromise but merely something harmless or that perhaps I'm being too uptight. While these words may hurt, I am convinced that having Jesus ask me why I went along with it, with tenderness in His eyes on His Day is going to hurt my heart a whole lot more. I want to make good choices today, no every moment, so that when He comes in Glory, I can be found watching and working for Him.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Christmas
Christmas was different this year. (HELLO, Captain Obvious!) In addition to having some very rough moments, I also had so much joy in some moments I thought my heart would burst. I cried until my eyes were red and my pillow was covered in snot on Christmas Eve; the missing was horrible. But I awoke on Christmas more excited and happy than any Christmas morning I'd ever had as a kid; I couldn't wait to see Zooey experience it. We went to the candlelight service at our church on Christmas Eve (which was wonderful, always a favorite tradition for me) and then spent the night at my dad's eating posole. Christmas was also different in the fact that we just did different stuff. Zooey & I spent Christmas day at my sister Melissa's house, because Sarah & Ryan were working. It was so nice to spend some time with her and her family and get to just hang out. Ryan was off on Monday, so we had our time with Sarah & Rey & my dad on Monday. Overall, our Christmas was truly a time of joy and togetherness.
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| Checking out the new slide from Santa |
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| Cinnamon roll breakfast - our family's Christmas tradition! |
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| A new favorite - an easel from Mom & Dad |
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| Zooey with her cousin Kate, checking out the hamster |
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| MORE PRESENTS?!?! |
Friday, December 30, 2011
I miss my mom today. I was driving home after lunch and glanced at the clock. "1:38," I thought, "I'll call Mom; she's probably at lunch." I shook my head and realized all in one moment that she's not here. Oh, how I long that she could've seen Zooey on Christmas. I wish I could've talked with her about the ways Zooey's grown in the last year, how she really gets how to open a gift now, how cute she was on her slide that Santa brought her. I wish I could upload the video of Christmas morning and show her and see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. I wish I could take her to the places I take Zooey to play and explore. I just miss sharing life with her. I wish I could hear her tell me funny stories, or sing her silly songs to her dogs, or hear her tell me what she learned on Charles Stanley. It's the little things, you know?
I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!
I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.
I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!
I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.
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