One Month

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.