Christmas

Christmas this year was a lot of fun! Our best gift this year was having Zooey here. :) I was a little worried about how she was going to do on Christmas, because on Christmas Eve day/night, she was pretty fussy and even woke in the night, because she still had her cold. :( Poor baby! But...I held onto the hope that since the worst of my cold was gone in about 3 days, maybe hers would be, too, and it was. Praise God!

Zooey and I started our day like usual, feed, play and chat together then she was down for her nap. Ryan had to work, so I got some breakfast ready for him, and we watched Elf together until it was time for Zooey to wake up. She obviously had no clue what was going on, but I was SO excited! We put all her presents out on the floor for her and put her on her Boppy, so we could all enjoy the excitement together.

Moto obviously thought all the presents were for him...no such luck, Moto.

While I was getting everything together, Ryan was watching TV, and Zooey decided the show was pretty interesting, too.

That is, until the fun began:

She doesn't look too sure about this, does she? Well, once we began opening everything and showing her all the fun stuff she got, she got a little more excited.

After we did this stuff, we went to Sarah & Rey's house for a wonderful Christmas dinner and had a lot of fun with the family. Zooey wasn't up much, but she's such a good girl - she napped really well in the pack n' play at their house. Everyone was so generous to her, and we got some really awesome stuff for her! Everyone was pretty tuckered out at the end of the day, so we headed home and had a nice night's sleep.

Of course, even better than having sweet little Zooey here is the knowledge that we were celebrating our Lord Jesus' birth. Since I've started going to BSF, I've found myself reflecting on the words of the old hymns rather than, ahem, kind of just singing them to get through them. I've found the hymns are so rich with words of praise for our Lord, and since Christmas songs are hymns, I really focused on the words in the Christmas Eve service at church this year and was blessed by that. In the words of one blogger, "(Zooey) may've changed our lives, but Jesus changed the world." Perfectly said. May God bless you and keep you in 2010.

Sick Baby + Shots = Miserable Baby

Poor Zooey! She woke up yesterday morning with the cold I've been harboring since last Friday. She still seemed to be in pretty good spirits except for the congestion. She was scheduled for her 2 month shots. We were a little late on them, because of the insurance situation; as long as she didn't have a fever she could still be vaccinated. So off to the doctor we went. She got tired and fussy sooner than normal (probably because she's sick), and we waited for awhile for the doctor. After crying from the shots, she pretty much zonked out when I put her in the car seat. She seemed fine for her next wake time. It was the next one where I got a taste of one of the hard parts of mommyhood. As I rubbed her little legs as instructed by the doctor to do, she started screaming and crying in pain. :( This was SO hard to watch! I stopped and tried to do the bicycle kicks (very gently, mind you). Still crying. I tried to distract her, hold her, shh her, all my usual "calming tricks," but nothing worked. It hurt her when I changed her diaper, too. She finally settled down a bit when I gave her Tylenol and fed her, so I put her under the tree (Oooo - lights! Very exciting!) where she kicked her little legs. I am just trusting that the exercise helped. I think it did; she seems a little better today. Her congestion's cleared up a bit, too...praying for a better day tomorrow for my sweet girl's first Christmas.

Does this face not say, "Mom, what are you up to? I have a feeling something bad's going to happen here..." I took this with my phone while we were waiting for the doctor.

God is SO good

A dear children's leader from BSF gave us other CL's a sweet gift for Christmas this year, a book entitled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I've only had it a week, and already my heart has been so touched by the devotions. Since I have my quiet time in the morning and study my BSF lesson, I've been reading this book at night. It's brought me peace at the end of some hectic days, and it's a good way for me to start and end my day with Christ...and a reminder to dwell with Him throughout. Today's entry was really cool; I have to share.

"My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you sudenly clears, through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles - and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory."

I think back over the last year of my life and I realize that there have been several times I thought my road was blocked, but God had better timing in mind for me. Like last Christmas as I watched the children singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus and opening their gifts, and I thought my desire wouldn't be met for a long time...and God opened Ryan's heart to the idea of having a child. Like every single time my anxiety got in the way (about everything), and God used my weakness to strengthen my faith in Him. I may be a slow learner, but God's a patient teacher, and going to Him first is becoming habit rather than the afterthought of yet another panic attack. When Ryan applied for TSA, what was it - in February, I began praying daily, sometimes multiple times in a day, that he would get that job or another one that would allow me to stay home with my sweet baby. I didn't think it would ever happen...I began to think maybe being a stay-at-home-mom wasn't a desire that fit with God's will. I began to pray for God to steady my heart in preparation to return to work outside the home, but His timing is so perfect! The minute Ryan heard, the day he heard, the way my boss called me that day...I mean, only God could compose a symphany so sweet out of such small details of people's lives, right? And now, as a mom, I turn to my Lord for guidance and direction daily. I ask Him to take me and Ryan's weaknesses and turn them into example, for Him to call my Zooey to Him at a young age and for Ryan & I to train her up right in the way she should go. Sure, children have basic needs that are fairly easy to meet, but becoming a parent is a little scary. There's no road map; there's just Jesus - and He is all we need to succeed. I know He will take my weaknesses along this journey and shine His Power and His Glory through them if I trust Him.

What a sweet Lord I serve! Thank you, Jesus, for putting on flesh and enduring the cross so that I could have a relationship with you. Thank you for using the tough stuff for your glory - I pray You will be glorified.

Squeals!!

I have been waiting for Zooey to squeal or laugh, and today I got my wish! I was playing one of her favorite games where I move my hand slowly back and forth above her making sounds before I swoop the hand down and tickle her (oh, my - she loves the suspense!), and after I tickled her she grinned and squealed! It was SO cute! This was, of course, accompanied by much leg pumping and moving of the arms as if to say, "Do it again, Mommy!" Later when I was changing her, she was looking at the koala picture on the wall and grinning. When I was talking to her, she looked up and squealed again. What precious moments these were. I wish I could just bottle it up like Ariel's voice in the Little Mermaid (except not in a mean way like in the movie), so I could listen to it whenever I wanted to. She's such a sweet little girl, and her personality is really starting to shine. Zooey's a very happy, very content baby. Her playtimes are full of smiles, and she hardly ever fusses. In fact, she usually only cries when she's over tired or overstimulated. My heart just feels like it will explode with love for her! What a blessing she is.

Zooey is two months old today!

I feel like a lot has happened over the last month. Ryan got a new job, so I'm able to stay home with Zooey. I cannot even begin to say how happy I am about this, how blessed I am. I thank God for His loving kindness and His sweet provision. Even though we've been on a routine since Zooey's second week of life, I feel like it's finally becoming habit and working really well. I'm back at BSF after an 8 week break; it's so nice to be back! Thanksgiving has come and gone, and Christmas is fast approaching. Before we know it, 2010 will be here!

Zooey's new talents include: grabbing a rattle and holding onto it (yesterday she actually brought it to her mouth and tried to suck on it), lots and lots of smiles, cooing when we talk to her - especially about something exciting, napping better and more consistently (thank you Baby Whisperer!) and holding her head up for a long time. She also loves to plan on Daddy's lap! He holds her in a standing position, and she tries her very hardest to balance herself. Her little face is full of concentration, but of course we're not quite there yet. :) I am proud to announce one of her biggest accomplishments -- drumroll, please...she has slept EIGHT hours the last two nights! I feel like a new woman! I think I forgot what it was like to sleep without it being broken up into 3-4 hour chunks. A little blurb about myself that I'm pretty darn excited about: as of today, I'm officially back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Woo hoo for breastfeeding!!

Zooey's little personality is starting to come out more and more. We are seeing that she is more like Ryan than just in the looks department. She is pretty mellow most of the time, very happy and content. That's Ryan to a "T." She does speak her mind when something's not right, like when she's hungry, tired or frustrated. Those little peeps can escalate into a very vocal cry very quickly. Just like....both of us. Ok, if I'm honest here, I'm probably the more impatient one in the family. :) It's fun to play with Zooey, and as I learn more about her, I'm learning her likes and dislikes. Not only is that fun, it's also very cool to know that I can comfort her or provide for her needs quicker than I could on day one or even month one.

I'm so excited to see what the next months hold! When will she squeal with delight? When will she roll over all the way? When will her cooing become more conversational? I'm also so excited for Christmas and will be taking a ton of pictures! My heart melts when I see our little baby sleeping in her crib, when I'm nursing her, when I play with her and see those smiles. My heart fills like it's going to burst when I see Ryan and Zooey on the couch together, hanging out and snuggling. I was talking to Sarah, and she put it best: it's meant to be - it feels like it's always been this way. So perfect, I praise and thank God and try to relish every moment that I can.

Cry It Out is soooo hard!!

Ryan & I have decided to let Zooey cry it out when she's having problems napping, which seems to be happening more and more as of late. I think I may've gotten her into a bad routine (scratch that - I KNOW I have) by rocking her until she's almost asleep then putting her down. Starting yesterday, I began the CIO, checking in on her, but I wasn't very consistent. After much reading today from other mommies' blogs, etc... I now know you either have to "go big or go home" as one writer put it. It is so hard to hear little Zooey crying in the other room, but she does finally go to sleep. The women who have done this before say their children were usually better sleep trained by days 3-5 of CIO, so that's what I'm hoping (and praying) for. The way I look at it, we're helping her to get sleep, which is actually better for her in the long run. Plus...hopefully this will help us if she gets stuck on that middle of the night feed.

Zooey has begun stretching her nighttime sleep. Sunday night we did the dreamfeed at 10:30, she woke/fussed but went back to sleep at 3:15; she then went to 5:00 before waking to eat - 6.5 hours. Last night we did the DF at 10:30, she woke with a very wet/dirty diaper and ate at 1:45; she then went to 7:30 (about 6 hours). Yay! I can't wait to see what the next few weeks hold for her sleep training. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Even before having Zooey, I am typically the first one up in our house on Ryan's and my days off. On Thanksgiving, I like to use this time to reflect on the past year and what I'm thankful for. First and foremost, I am always thankful for the Cross. That my Lord would become flesh for me always takes my breath away. I am thankful for the relationship that His sweet sacrifice enabled me to have. Thanksgiving for me is a good transition for Christmas, because it really gets me thinking about Jesus and all He gave up - willingly - for us. It kind of gets my heart in the right place.

This year it comes as no surprise that I am SOOO thankful for our beautiful baby girl. I'm thankful for her health. I'm thankful for such a good baby. I'm thankful that although I probably won't get the chance to post this until later, as of 7:36 as I type this, she's gone 5 hours since her last feed and we're on the way to full nighttime sleep! :) I praise God that I can stay home with sweet Zooey, making motherhood and being a wife my full-time job. Words cannot express how thankful I am that this lifelong dream of mine has come true.

I am always extremely thankful for Ryan. I remember sitting in my bathtub five years ago and praying for God to pick me a man to be my spouse - someone who would be godly, humble, strong, a leader, faithful, sweet and many other characteristics - and thinking my prayer may never be answered and trying to come to terms with it. Ryan is all the things I prayed for and more. God certainly did hand-pick him just for me; we are a perfect match made in Heaven. Do we fight? Yes. Do I ever get so mad I feel like shaving his eyebrows while he sleeps? Of course. Is it the hardest work I've ever done (even harder than being a new mom)? Absolutely! But marriage wasn't made to make us comfortable, it was made to stretch us and show us how much Christ loves the church. The longer I am married, the more I am stretched, the more I learn about Christ's love, and the deeper I love Ryan and love being married.

I am thankful for my family. I am so glad we get to be near them, especially now that we have a child. I thank God that He called my parents to the Lord and I was raised in a Christian home. Although I know He would've called me to Him some other time in my life if I wasn't, I'm so glad it was this way. I've gotten to walk with the Lord since I was 5 years old because my mom and dad taught me about Jesus! I am grateful for the help they've given since Zooey's been born. I'm grateful for the medical advice my NICU nurse sister's given me...even though I'm sure she sees hyper-paranoid parents all the time. :) I'm thankful that when Zooey's with them, as she grows, that they will share Jesus with her just as they did with me. I am so glad my dad's recovered from his heart attack and is healthy and well. I'm thankful for my sweet grandma who shares her home with us openly and without obligation. Family is awesome, and I'm glad my family are who they are.

I am also very grateful for good friends. Every time I've prayed for friends in my life, since I was in 1st grade and met a little girl named Natasha, God has answered with abundance. Sometimes these friends have been in my life for a season, and sometimes they're friends for longer. I am thankful for all of them. I've learned and grown from most of them, and each one has taught me something different about people and relationships. Having a baby is amazing, and I'm thankful for my friends who have been so sweet during this transition in my life.

Little things I'm thankful for:
...quick postpartum recovery
...what seems to have been another bout of mastitis coming on this week clearing up without antibiotics (praise God!)
...an almost complete Thanksgiving meal prepared and ready to heat
...an awesome, complication-free pregnancy - what a gift to carry life!
...a closer relationship with Sarah than I think I've ever had
...my BSF ladies and the opportunity to learn more about Christ's life in a country that doesn't persecute us for meeting and doing so
...Ryan's new job
...health protection that God has given us since Zooey's birth and even before
...kitties - so fun and bring so much laughter!
...a warm home and food to eat
...so much more that happens even daily that I lose sight of and forget to be thankful for!!

And look at that: it's 7:53, and Zooey still hasn't stirred - I'm thankful for that, too. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

I'm quitting my job today!

Zooey is six weeks old this week. This is the week my paid maternity benefits end, the week I was hoping to let my employer know that I'm not coming back because I was hoping that TSA would've called Ryan by now. I honestly hoped I could've let them know sooner, because I didn't want to be dishonest or "milk the system."

Just when I started to really freak out...TSA CALLED RYAN YESTERDAY AND OFFERED HIM A JOB! He starts December 7th, although his official start date is the 6th, and his benefits will begin within 2 weeks after that. Praise the Lord! So, I am going to the bank today to turn in my notice. We are going to use COBRA insurance in the meantime. Does God always have perfect timing, or what?

4am Feedings

This morning at 4am as I was nursing and snuggling Zooey I got to thinking about how when I was little I loved to snuggle with my mom. I obviously don't remember being a baby, but I do remember being small and wishing to be around my mom a lot - and I loved her hugs. Now we hug when we need encouragement or at a holiday or birthday, but it's just not the same. We don't hug just to be close; I guess that these physical needs for closeness are now met by spouses. I haven't thought about that in a long time, and as I look back over my life, the time being small is such a blur. I have some sharp memories from being a child, but most of the memories are like every other memory, buried because it wasn't hugely significant. My friends tell me how much nursing your baby changes over the year. Babies go from being so small and needing so much help and focusing on the task, mom & baby relishing the bonding & closeness, to being distracted and knowing just what to do. The authors of books and articles all say that looking back on these early weeks and 3am feedings makes them wish they cherished that time, because it goes so fast. I am trying to cherish it. I know that 18 years from now when Zooey's off to college and I'm feeling nostaligic, I'll look back on these bleary-eyed encounters that were so sweet, just the two of us. And even now, I cherish it, because I know the food and the comfort are growing her into who she will be. Little by little, slowly yet very quickly, the snuggles Zooey & I share will grow farther apart. God is so good to give us little Zooey, and I am so thankful He's entrusted us to her. Being a mom is the sweetest, most amazing job He has ever dealt me. I pray that He will help me to cherish and savor each moment, not taking one for granted. I pray that He will help me to tell Zooey all about Him and show her all about Him through my actions. I pray that He will help me & Ryan to raise her in such a way that we will fully trust letting her go into the world someday. Although a part of me can't wait for Zooey to sleep through the night, I've come to realize that I can wait and even enjoy it with the right perspective. It will come soon enough.

Projectile Bodily Fluids

OK. I was naive before I had a baby. I thought, "Certainly my baby won't have projectile vomiting, poop or pee while we're trying to change her. She will never make a mess in her crib or of my clothes or anything else." I woke this morning to a fussy baby (those darn antibiotics I'm on upset her tummy, I think), and I could tell she needed to be changed. As a side note - it is so weird that I recognize her different cries. Yet another thing I didn't understand until I became a mom. Anyway, I'm changing her, and all of the sudden poop shoots out all over the wall. Fun times...second time this has happened, by the way. So, I finish cleaning her up, set her in her crib and proceed to pull the crib out from the wall and wipe it down with Clorox wipes for 10 minutes. After I feed her, she spits up in her crib getting it all over the sheets. Did I mention that last week she had an explosive diaper situation that ended up on my arm and my couch? Sigh. The weird thing is, just like people told me, I don't really mind it all that much. It's just part of the job, and cleaning up Zooey and everything else is just something that has to be done. For those who know me, hopefully this means I'll handle the projectile vomiting with as much ease, because just the idea of that still really freaks me out.

After I fed Zooey, I was changing her - again (that's all they do: eat, poop & sleep) - and I was talking to her, getting her ready for the day, and she flashed me a huge grin. It's like God gave babies these adorable grins to make all the poop-cleaning worth it. :)

One Month Update

(Written on 11/5/09)

Zooey is one month old today! As I sit here and think about what exactly to write in this update, my mind is blank, but my heart is so full. It seems like yesterday my water broke, and we were excitedly off to the hospital to meet Zooey. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes holding my belly. At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I can barely seem to remember life before she came, too, unless I sit down and really think about it. She just "fits" into our family in such a perfect way. I am so fully in love with her, and that love truly grows each day more and more. She has certainly captured our hearts.

Zooey seems to be hitting all the developmental milestones, just as she should be. My most favorite new development is that she smiles and will occasionally (very occasionally) smile in response to our smiles. It's fun to be able to interact with her like that. She seems most happy first thing in the morning and at night when Ryan comes home and scoops her into his arms. She's so strong, too! It amazes everyone how long she can hold her head up, how she can roll over by herself and how strong her little arms are when she's protesting something she's not too thrilled about. We're both becoming pro's at nursing now, and the teary-eyed days that were only a week and a half ago seem like they were a long time ago. I look at the pictures in the hospital, and she's already changed so much! She's bigger, her complexion is different, she's more alert. She & I have so much fun together; I can't wait until she can really interact - I'm sure that we'll do all sorts of fun things.

Being a parent has also made me think a lot about my own childhood and how thankful I am for Christian parents and for a mom who was blessed to be able to stay home with my sister & me. As the holidays are quickly approaching, I think back to all the fun stuff my mom did with us. We made cookies, Chex mix, ornaments, gifts...lots of fun crafts. But it wasn't just at the holidays; my mom had fun projects for us year-round, and I am excited to one day be able to have fun with Zooey like that. Being a parent is the best job I have ever had. It's also the hardest job, but it is so worth it. Ryan is an amazing dad, and when I see him with Zooey, I fall even more in love with him. He's just a natural, and he's so patient, both with me and with Zooey. Of course, I knew when I married him he'd fit into the role well. He's such a natural, maybe I'll just leave for the ages of 11-14. :) Just kidding.

Our Little Pumpkin

As promised, here's a picture of Zooey's first Halloween. She didn't really know what was going on, of course, but doesn't she look awful cute?

Can't a girl catch a break?

Ugh...I have mastitis. I have had a fever since 3am on Friday; I think it's finally beginning to break 24 hours into my antibiotic. Thankfully I had an appointment with my OB yesterday anyway to discuss another lovely post partum symptom: a prolapse (Google it if you really want to know). Zooey is gassy and fussy because of the antibiotic. Ryan's hunting but will thankfully be back today sometime (& hopefully with an elk). So...I've been sitting around being lazy the last two days watching TV, nursing and napping.

Being a mom is hard work! Such a blessing, but hard work. I guess in a way I'm kind of glad that the worse thing I have is a fever, rather than the flu or something the first time I have to care for a child. Plus, my sister was kind enough to stay the night last night, so I got a good solid 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which really helped.

I'm determined to take a shower in a bit and get Zooey in her pumpkin shirt, so we can pass out candy. Pic's to follow...

My new favorite thing

Note to self for Zooey and future baby: I LOVE MY MOBY WRAP!! Zooey has a fussy time in the evenings. Tonight I thought "What the heck? I'll give my brand new Moby a shot," and so I busted it out. I wrapped the ginormous piece of cloth around myself, tucked crying Zooey in and -BAM!-3 minutes later, she was asleep. Yes, it looks a little hippy like it was designed in Boulder (it was not, by the way), but you can't knock something this comfortable and effective. Hands-free-baby-cuddling = baby bliss.

To all those who patronized me about the weight gain...

...I am currently 7 lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Take that Dr. - I told you it was water!! Sorry, it's just, as one could see from my early pregnancy posts, I freaked a little bit about my weight gain. No, my body is not the current shape it was in before, and no, I'm not in my pre-pregnancy jeans quite yet, but I am super happy with my results from doing nothing (although I suspect the breastfeeding has helped). I am also quite confident that once I start running again, I'll be back in those jeans in a jiffy. :)

Just another testament to the power of prayer

Zooey is doing beautifully with the breastfeeding. I submitted a prayer request for my sweet BSF ladies to lift up on Saturday morning, I was praying, Ryan was praying, my mom, Sarah & dad were praying...and guess what? Saturday evening she started latching on perfectly. By Sunday night, she was more than comfort nursing - she was swallowing. Today, we are only supplementing 1 oz. of breastmilk if she doesn't seem content after a feed, and Ryan gives her the last meal of the day via bottle. God is so amazing, and I am consistently brought to tears (the good kind :) ) at how he cares about the little things.

Now I am told that it will take a couple of weeks to a month for my boobs to not feel as if they are decaying from pain. I know, probably not the best use of words, but man oh man they hurt. If anyone has gone through this and can offer a little ray of hope as to how long it took for their boobs to feel close to normal (or at least become desensitized to the pain), please leave comment below.

Our days are together are awesome. Time goes so fast, and by the time I look up, Ryan's home from work. Usually that's when Zooey has a bit of a fussy time, but I'm convinced part of that is that she wants her daddy. :) He literally picks her up or takes her from me and within seconds she's calm. She's put on good weight and as of Monday is at 9 lbs. 3 oz. I have one more appointment on Monday with the LC to get a weight and address any questions. I believe at that point, if everything's going well, I'll be able to stop pumping after each feed and strictly BF, unless I want to pump to store some milk. Last night Zooey went 5 hours between feeds; however, it was her 8:00 and 1:15 am feed, so I want us to work on getting that long stretch in the middle of the night...possibly doing a dream feed at 11:00 pm. Any Baby Wiser's with advice regarding this, I would love your feedback. I'm hoping she'll stick to the 2.5-3 hr. schedule well enough that she'll sleep through the night (5-6 hrs.) by 8-10 weeks, even with the breastfeeding hurdle we faced. Zooey's super strong, as I mentioned in earlier posts! She can hold her head up during tummy time for much longer than the "3 seconds" I've read about in the books and stuff. She's also started smiling more this week and making different noises. I'm sure it won't be long now before she can smile in response to our smiles. She is just such an amazing gift, and we love her so much!

We continue to pray for Ryan's job situation. Six weeks is coming up quickly, and although I did tell my boss that I'm taking 12 weeks maternity leave, I'd like to be able to tell them I'm not coming back sooner than that. Our plan is for me to stay home and make it work. It will be tight, don't get me wrong, but it will be so worth it - for all of us. So...come mid-November, if there's no news from TSA, we will apply for private insurance and Ryan will try to find something else with benefits until TSA calls. Again, the insurance is really the big thing here, and we have enough in savings to pay for that for awhile. We both feel that home is where God wants me, so we are placing our trust in him. If I must work, I will find a part-time job somewhere eventually. It's super scary to trust. If we cannot find insurance, I will have to return to work...we just keep praying!!

The Struggle of Breastfeeding

Oh my. This is a "venting" post. Motherhood is fantastic, it really is. I look at our baby and think she is the most perfect, wonderful thing that God has ever placed on this earth. She is such a good baby! She hardly fusses, she is sleeping well at night, and she is just a joy.

Zooey underwent her tongue clipping procedure on Wednesday. She was in a little pain on Wednesday, and by Thursday she just seemed to be trying to figure out her new "free" tongue, wiggling it about and sticking it out. I'm sure it takes some getting used to; it's probably like having a whole new tongue or something after all she's known was the tongue-tied one.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know this is naiive, but even though I talked my unrealistic expectations down in my mind, I still expected her to be able to nurse immediately after the procedure and for breastfeeding to be bliss by Thursday. Obviously, my impatience has caused my hopes to be dashed.

OH MY GOSH BREASTFEEDING IS SO HARD!!!!!!!!!

I know not everyone has this many problems. Zooey will eat really good - latch on for 15 minutes per side, swallow, everything. The next feeding, she becomes a red-faced ball of frustration and heart-wrenching cries as she pushes me away, won't latch on or latches on and injures me then won't latch on well again. Sigh. I pray and I pray and I pray that breastfeeding will go well. I stay calm; when I get frustrated I give her the bottle as the lactation consultant suggested. I try to put her to breast after she eats, when she's calm - the other suggestion by the lactation consultant - but she falls asleep and won't do anything. I have another appointment on Monday, and all I can do is pray that God will guide the appointment and give me some new insight, tips a SNS...something to help this process along. Thankfully, I have milk, so I've been able to pump and feed it to her. She's still getting all the immunities and such. I'm tempted to look up exclusive pumping, but whenever I think about that, I remember that I am not one who gives up without a tough fight. Breastfeeding is important to me - the bonding, the closeness, the experience shared with mother and baby. Today is a day where I just feel I'm at the end of my breastfeeding rope. She was crying at the last feeding. I was crying at the last feeding. I loaded her up in her stroller and went on a quick power walk to bust the stress; it helped, and then Ryan, my sweet Ryan, got home and said, "I think you're doing a great job, babe. Let's wait until Monday. She'll have some ideas." And my sister called me and encouraged me saying a bottle isn't bad and wait until Monday. And my mom said to persevere, because I will look back someday (even if it doesn't work) and know that I tried everything I could. God is answering prayer, even if it's not the way I want. He's giving me encouragement through many forms, and it's encouragement I greatly appreciate.

Things "I never"

I never knew I'd be able to function on so little sleep.

I never knew I'd have such an ache to be able to nurse my baby.

I never knew I'd be able to differentiate cries and noises with accuracy.

I never knew I'd have such a tough job come so naturally.

I never knew that one little face could cause so much joy...or pull so much sympathy out of me.

Same goes for one little noise.

I never knew you could get so lost in someone's eyes.

I never knew that holding your child can bring you comfort and peace, too.

I never understood just how fast time can go.

I never comprehended my parents love for me until now.

I never knew I could love another person so ferociously and so innocently - so unselfishly.

I have never had such a high level of respect and love for my husband as I do now. He's such a great dad.

I thought I "got" the importance of a tight-knit family revolving around the Lord - not until now.

I have never had such a deep understanding of the Cross until now - how God looked down on HIS ONLY SON, God Himself, dying down here. For us. Unselfishly. I have never so readily said "I would die for someone" than I have with my sweet daughter. Through relationship with her, God has given me a deeper a view of grace, a view that makes my heart leap with gratitude in my chest and ache in better understanding of just what that sacrifice cost Him.

There is so much more that I know now about life from having a baby, and it's only been 2 and a half precious weeks!

Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with this gift and for all You've already shown us. Ready us for the road that lies ahead.

Time Flies!

I cannot believe that Zooey's almost two weeks old. It is so surreal that she is here, not in my belly, and also that she's been home with us for a week already. Things have been going well. She had her 10 day check up today. She is gaining weight and weighs 8 lbs. 3 oz. and grew about 1/4 in. The doctor said she looks just great. She's eating on a pretty good schedule of about 3 hours, and last night she went a 3 1/2 stretch before she woke up to eat. Zooey is tongue-tied, meaning she can't latch on when breastfeeding. This could also cause other problems later in life, so she's having a frenulectomy next Wednesday (that little thing that holds her tongue to her mouth just needs to be snipped a little - very minor, 10 min. procedure). I've been pumping and feeding her by bottle; we're praying she'll do well and latch on after the procedure. We had to supplement with a little formula, but we're getting to the point where we don't have to so much.

Everything else is going very well. She's a very strong baby! We think she's going to be like Ryan. She already holds her head up for a long time before she gets tired. Last night during her tummy time Ryan rolled her onto her tummy and she rolled onto her back on her own. I just cherish every moment with her and am so thankful that God has given her to us. She is such a blessing.

Ryan is still working things out with TSA; hopefully he will get the call very soon that he's hired on. So far, when that happens, he's planning on working there and at his current job (TSA starts out as part-time only). The insurance benefits start right away, so we still have some time. Now that Zooey is actually here, I cannot imagine being anywhere but at home with her.

Time to feed a hungry baby... :)

Labor of Love

Sigh. Our baby is home. She is perfect. She is beautiful. She is so sweet. We love her more than anything and are amazed by her. Here is a picture of our beautiful Zooey:

If you would like to see more pictures, please e-mail me. Because the blog is very public, we have chosen to use a password-protected website to share our little munchkin with the world.

Now, for those of you who have been wondering about the labor story, here it is. My water broke on Sunday at 3:00 pm. That was a weird experience! Ryan kept asking if I was sure, and I honestly wasn't at first, but within about thirty minutes it was. I called my doctor, who was on vacation, and the on-call doc said I should definitely come to the hospital to be checked and admitted. Once there, they confirmed my water broke and hooked me up. Although I was having contractions, at this point they were pretty irregular, every 5-6 minutes, and I couldn't really tell I was having them unless I looked at the monitor. Ryan & I went on several walks to try to get the labor to progress on it's own, but when the doctor came in at 11:00 to check me, I was still only 3 cm dilated and (he said) 70% effaced. At that point, he started me on pitocin, because if your water breaks, they really want the baby out within 12 hours, 18 at the latest to reduce the risk of infection to the baby. I rested until 4:00, he checked me again...and...still at 3 cm! He left the room saying if I was having a problem with the pain I could get IV drugs, but at that point I figured it would still take a while to 5 or 6 cm which is when I wanted to start the epidural. I called Ryan over to come sit with me, since I was super tired, and about 5 minutes after the doctor left, I started having strong contractions that lasted about 60 seconds about every minute (or less) apart. I couldn't take the pain and got some IV drugs and finally got the epidural. Sweet relief! 45 minutes after he checked me, I was at 8 cm! I and rested until 7:00 when I was fully effaced and at 10cm then I "labored down" and took a nap. At 8:00 the on-call doctor from my OB's office arrived, and it was time to push. We ended up letting Sarah & my mom in the room for the delivery, which wasn't part of our birth plan, but I'm happy they could both be there for Zooey's arrival. At 10:31, I pushed Zooey out pretty fast - the doctor said that process normally takes another 10 minutes; Ryan says when I said I was done, I really meant it. :)

When people say you can't comprehend the love you have for your child, I never really "got it." I thought I understood that concept, but I now realize even five days after her birth that that is a concept you cannot fully grasp until one has children. I look at our beautiful, perfect, sweet, amazing daughter, and my heart overflows with emotion. I would do anything for her. I sit here in awe at this gift that has been entrusted to us, and I am humbled and thankful and feel blessed beyond belief. Welcome to the world, our beautiful little girl!

Zooey Olivia was born today at 10:31am weighing 8 lbs. 2 oz. & measuring 20 inches long. Pictures to follow. We are SO in love; she is beautiful!

My dr.'s office just called. I will be induced on 10/12 if I don't go into labor on my own. Less than 2 weeks! Within 10 days we will have our little girl.

Today at the doctor

Nothing really happened. I'm still 3cm dilated, 80% effaced, baby is now at +1 station (lower) and she stripped my membranes again. I'm scheduled next week for any appointment if I don't deliver, they'll do a biophysical profile. They'll give me an ultrasound and do some fetal monitoring. I guess my doctor's office doesn't let you go past 40 weeks unless everything is perfect with the amniotic fluid and the baby, so if anything's off, they'll induce next week. If everything's still perfect, they will wait one more week and induce at 41 weeks. So, I guess the good news in all of this is that, no matter what, our baby will be here in 2 weeks! I had also really been freaking out earlier in the week, because there is a horrible virus/cold thing going around my work; about half my office has it. I talked to her about it, asked her what she thought and after her saying I really don't want to get sick this close to labor and that women in labor with this type of bug have a harder time pushing because of their congestion, I decided to ask for my leave note. I am officially on maternity leave tomorrow. Please continue to pray for supernatural health protection for me and Ryan; according to the news, this thing is hitting us pretty hard here.

I got my assistant all set up in my office for the duration of my leave, as someone else will be using her desk. It was weird. I haven't told them yet that I probably won't be back, because for one, Ryan is not yet hired on at TSA and second, we need the health insurance (which pretty much falls into reason #1). I am consistently praying that God will work out the job/insurance situation, so I will be able to stay home with the baby. It is so hard not to have magical powers to be able to look in the future and control whatever we want! However, I do trust the Lord for His best in my family's life, and I need to let go and calm down. Oh, and try to enjoy the last bit of relaxation I have while I'm off, right? :)

39 week update

Strange to think this could be my last update! Or at the very least, one of my last updates. :)

How far along? 39 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +33 lbs. – I gained some fluid this week.
Maternity clothes: Yup
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Still good; just interrupted by bathroom breaks
Best moment this week: Realizing today that no matter what our baby will be here in 3 weeks
Movement: Slowed down a little bit. I think she’s cramped; I just feel lots of stretching movements. Also, she’s so low now that there are moments I jump due to painful movement. Still always just so thankful for all the movement!
Food cravings: Green chile – yum!
Gender: Girl
Labor signs: The practice contractions are getting stronger & longer; lost the rest of the ol’ mucous plug over the weekend.
Belly button in or out? In
What I miss: Wearing my wedding rings
What I am looking forward to: Meeting the baby!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the rest you can get while you can. Don’t stretch too suddenly in the middle of the night, or your round ligament just might snap right out of your stomach and cause you excruciating pain.
Milestones: More labor progression. I feel like it’s kind of “sit & wait” at this point. I have an appointment in the morning, so we’ll see if I’ve progressed any.

God's timing

Wouldn't it be neat/blessing/weird/cool if the baby came on September 29th? For those of you who know me, you'll know that 5 years ago on September 29th I had a pretty big shock of heartache. Although I look back at this heartache in my life and realize God had an amazing purpose in mind for my life (stronger faith, full reliance on Him, Ryan, becoming more self-sufficient), cognitively in September and early October every year I face a small bout of depression. This year has been different, of course, because I have so much to look forward to. God has really brought it to my mind in the last few days that, even if baby's arrival date is not Sept. 29th, He is really bringing this verse full circle in my life this year through a new closeness in my marriage and through the exciting expectency of our daughter's arrival: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm - my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed." Joel 2:25-26. Praise the Lord for the intimate way He works in our lives, the details He never forgets, His tender and compassion to hear, see, remember and be concerned and bless us, mere humans.

Just left the doctor. I'm 3cm dilated & 75% effaced. She stripped my membranes. She's on call tonight; we'll see what happens! :)

38 week update

How far along? 38 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -1.3 lbs. last week/+30.5 overall
Maternity clothes: Absolutely.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Still ok; just interrupted by painful turning & going to the bathroom.
Best moment this week: Being told last Thursday my body’s progressing. Also, having a lazy weekend, since most of our home stuff is done.
Movement: Still a lot of it; stronger, and more pokes & stretching, less kicks.
Food cravings: Nothing really; actually have a decreased appetite.
Gender: Little girl.
Labor signs: False labor pains (apparently these are different than Braxton Hicks); Last check was 2.5-3cm dilated & 50% effaced.
Belly button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not having to pee every time I stand up.
What I am looking forward to: Meeting our baby very soon!
Weekly Wisdom: Always have a snack handy. I’ve found at this stage when I am hungry, I get to that “weird” feeling a lot sooner. Also, a sweet friend’s comment on my blog made me really step back & become a bit more patient about baby’s arrival when I read it. She said, “Amazing to think that all her days are already written in the book of life! Hang in there…” My baby truly is God’s child, and He has in mind the perfect moment for her to arrive!
Milestones: Just more progress at the doctor’s office. I go again tomorrow, so we’ll see if there’s any news.

And...some weird moments this week that prove one author's point that strangers seem to lose all personal boundaries around pregnant women:

...Someone went to touch my belly at work today and rubbed precariously close to my boobs to see if baby had dropped. I guess my word wasn't good enough??

...I have literally gotten at least 6 comments/questions from different people each day about "no baby," "still being pregnant" or what kind of labor signs I'm having.

...People saying I'll either have my baby on the new moon (Sunday) or the full moon (sometime in Oct.). Where do people get this stuff?

I am not a patient person

For some, this may be a shock. For those who know me well, they are nodding their heads in agreement and saying something to the effect of, "No kidding, not you!" I am ready for the baby to come. As long as she is healthy & developed, I am ready, and according to my doctor, she is. I am trying very hard not to get to expectant and just relax. I walked to Starbucks yesterday at work. I walked for almost 30 minutes (briskly) today. Ryan & I are going to walk some more when he gets home from work. From all the women I know who've had more than one (or some who have lived many years and known many women have kids), walking is the ticket to labor progression. However - sigh - I am not naive and am aware that she will be born on the day and at the time God has alloted for her. And - here I go repeating my mantra once again - I cannot control this. I would simply like to convey that Ryan & I are both really really ready to meet our little girl.

I just left the doctor's and am 2.5-3cm dilated & 50% effaced! She's on-call this weekend, so it would be cool if I delivered. :) We shall see...

37 Week Update

I was going to try to stay in my work clothes to look cute for what is one of my last belly pic's, but I got uncomfortable and changed. :)

Vote in the poll on the left – I’d like to know what you think. Plus, it’s kind of a fun way to bet without really betting. :)

How far along? 37 weeks (21 days to go until my due date!…but I don’t think she’ll be in there that long)
Total weight gain? +31.5 lbs. – Yay! I have stayed within the 25-35/no more than 40 lb. gain that was my goal!
Maternity clothes? Yes, and my shirts are getting tight and short.
Stretch marks? No (thanks, Mom!) :)
Sleep? Not super great but not horrible. Mostly interrupted by bathroom breaks. I believe this is God’s preparation for midnight feedings.
Best moment this week? Completely finishing the nursery & putting together all baby stuff.
Movement: Still a lot, but she’s getting kind of smooshed in there, so it feels different – more jabs & stretches than constant kicks.
Food cravings: Sonic slushes, Blakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, lots of milk
Gender: Girl!
Labor signs: I will find out tomorrow if I’m any more dilated or if I’ve effaced any. As far as I know, I’m 1cm & the Braxton Hicks are getting stronger & happening more often. Baby feels SUPER low in the pelvis! Been losing the mucous plug in little pieces.
Belly button in or out?: In (thank you, Lord, for that little bit of kindness). Again, I hate belly buttons…they give me the heeby jeebies!
What I miss: Wearing my wedding rings.
What I am looking forward to: Meeting and holding our little girl.
Weekly wisdom: Rest and take naps as needed!
Milestones: I’m full-term today! Woo-hoo!!

The nursery's done. Her stuff's put away. Swing is assembled. Now we wait...c'mon Baby!!

Ambivalent Feelings Have Kicked in Big Time

These are my thoughts this week:

• It will not just be me & Ryan anymore - we must savor these last moments together as just a couple. No more quiet evenings, no more lazy Sundays, no more getting up and going wherever we'd please...
• I can't wait to share in the new kind of bonding that having a child together brings, and I'm so glad I have Ryan to do parenting with. He truly is the best gift God has given me in my life.
• BSF started this morning, and yesterday I realized how close we are to pretty much NEVER sleeping in until our children enter high school and desire themselves to have coma-like sleep that lasts 10 hours a night - and by that time, we'll be older, so we probably can't or won't want to sleep in.
• I am looking forward to bonding with my baby over middle of the night & early morning feedings.
• Love her to death, but the reality of staying home with my grandma and a baby all day has hit me. Boundaries, compassion, and love. Boundaries, compassion, and love....
• I am thankful for the added help around the house; it will subtract stress just to have some help with the dishes. This baby is going to have so much love!
• I'm not going to look the same as I did before I got pregnant. I'm going to be wearing pants which I worked 6 months to get out of two years ago.
• More motivation to work extra hard to lose the weight. So glad I made fitness & nutrition a part of my life before I got pregnant. So thankful for mom & dad and their offer to help watch baby while I work out, even if I just run on their treadmill. A lot of people don't have so many so close who will offer to babysit.
• I want to be a mom so bad! But am I ready to be a mom? Are we ready to be parents? Will I do a good job? How will I know what she needs, what to do, how to do it?
• Children are a gift from God, and He has this part of my life mapped out on His roadmap. He wouldn't give me such a precious responsibility if I wasn't ready for it. His timing is perfect. He will provide. He has given millions of parents the skills they need to do this.
• Will I be able to stay home?
• I just have to leave this in God's hands and until I hear otherwise, stick with our mantra "we will make it happen."
• Will I be able to manage a home, care for my baby, care for my grandma, maintain a close marriage, maintain social connections, get back into shape?
• God only gives us what we can handle; putting Him first will help me align my other priorities.
• Holy crap, these Braxton Hicks contractions are starting to hurt a bit. Labor is going to hurt. Delivery will hopefully not hurt due to a lovely epidural, but recovery is going to be painful.
• I am prepared as I am going to be. I can do this. Ryan will be with me to help, and thank God for modern medicine.
• My boobs are soon going to be used for food mechanisms, and it is going to be hard. And painful.
• I am so glad I have the training & support today that women in the past did not really receive, and I'm excited to bond with my baby and to offer her the world's most nutritious baby food.
• My house is still not ready for a baby!
• It's pretty ready, and it'll be ok if it happens today.
• I hope my water doesn't break at work!
• Oh, well, what can I do?
• I'm going to cherish these last few days/weeks of pregnancy, because they truly are a gift from the Lord. This could be the only time this happens to me in my whole life, and as excited as I am to meet the baby, I am relishing in this gift.

36 Week Update

Picture to be posted tomorrow...hopefully. :) I got home late tonight and didn't get a picture done.

How far along? 36 weeks, 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: +30 lbs. (lost 1 lb. being sick)
Maternity clothes: Yup; shirts are getting short.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Pretty good this week, maybe because I’m exhausted. Crazy dreams.
Best moment this week: Getting over the flu! Pregnancy-wise it was the reassurance Baby was OK by her constant movement and the fetal monitoring during the flu.
Movement: Lots, especially around 9:00 at night. I’m sure this bodes well for her life outside the womb…
Food cravings: Nothing this week, really.
Gender: Girl!
Labor signs: Stronger Braxton Hicks, and I found out at my appointment today that I’m 1 cm dilated, baby’s head’s really low & definitely losing the mucous plug.
Belly button in or out? In.
What I miss: Nothing; just relishing my final time being pregnant and getting excited for her arrival.
What I am looking forward to: Meeting the baby!
Weekly Wisdom: Be patient with yourself and let yourself adapt to your baby – no one knows what to do when they first bring home a baby.
Milestones: I’m dilated! I know it can still be quite awhile, but it’s still progress.

Crazy Dream & Random Thoughts

I had a dream last night that I went into labor, but Ryan didn't believe me. It was the middle of the night, and he would not get up to take me to the hospital. I didn't want to leave without him (obviously), and I was so upset. For some reason all of the sudden I knew the baby was crowning, but then I woke up to go to the bathroom. Weird, huh?

She is super low in there. When she starts wiggling her little arms about, it places some serious pressure on my poor bladder. I love her so much! I love interacting with her when she's moving around; I can't imagine how much I'm going to love her when she's actually here. I already think about all the things we're going to do together. I also worry that I'm going to be a good mom. I know all I can do is pray that God will lead me on the right path of parenting. I am so excited to tell my child about Jesus' love!

"Teach (God's commands) to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." - Deut. 11:19

My heart is once again heavy this morning in worry about Ryan's job situation and my incredibly deep desire to be able to stay home with my baby (& any future children). It is so hard for me not to give into the anxiety and trust the Lord in this, but I know it is what I must do. So many verses come to mind to calm my anxious heart; sometimes that human nature in me just wants to cling to my worry and try to control the situation myself, which I know is the world's largest impossibility. I must trust, I must remember all the Lord has done for me in my life, and I must pray and know others are praying alongside us for this situation.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." - Prov. 3:5
"In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears." - Ps. 18:6

UGH

I was looking forward to finishing up my baby shopping and having not just one, but two, days off with Ryan when BAM! I got a horrible stomach bug before work on Saturday, left work early, spent the whole day sick and finally spent the night at the hospital getting IV fluids when the on-call doctor said I should really go in. I finally feel like I have somewhat of an appetite back but am exhausted from the whole ordeal; I actually think I may stay home again tomorrow to rest. I was having some contractions (mostly the tightening kind not the "real" kind according to the nurse), but they slowed way down after they pumped me full of 3 liters of fluids. So aside from being tired and wishing I could eat real food, mom & baby are doing fine; she's still in there...lower than ever, and I believe I'm starting to lose my mucous plug (I know, maybe TMI - but remember folks, this is my journal of sorts, too). :) I guess we'll find out for sure at my appointment on Thursday.

35 week update

Well, folks, the votes are in. After numerous comments at work this week and after my sister showing my picture to some nurses at work (and after the increasing pressure on my pelvic bones, hips and bladder), it’s official – I’ve dropped. I can’t decide if I would rather feel all this pressure when I get up and walk or if I’d rather have the heartburn I had last week. I guess the pressure, because the nausea I was attributing to morning sickness also seems to be gone this week. It’s funny how you can’t fully believe something until you truly experience it yourself. Like how in my childbirth class, the instructor said, “You think you have to pee now? Wait until you drop.” I thought to myself, “I doubt it will get any worse.” HA! Foolish, naïve Amber! Now, all I have to do is stand up and – plop – the baby’s head is on my bladder & I have to go. I am also back to taking my naps at lunch and sometimes when I get home from work like I was in the first trimester. I think pregnancy exhaustion is actually in part preparation from God for having a newborn. Same with middle of the night bathroom breaks. J All discomforts aside, I still love being pregnant and am cherishing the gift that it is. I have mentioned before that I keep thinking Baby’s going to come early – I’ve thought it throughout the entire pregnancy. Now, whether or not this is my Type-A-self trying to control the situation to be as prepared as possible or whether my intuition is actually on target I won’t know until she actually comes. I can add, however, that now that she’s dropped and I’ve been told women deliver 2-4 weeks after dropping, I’m thinking it even more. My sister also thinks I’m going to deliver early, and like she says, if she’s going to be gigantic, maybe it would be better if she did come a little early (at least for the labor & delivery). J Of course, I could be way off base & go past 40 weeks, too. Yikes. I am so excited to meet her! I am so excited to see Ryan as a daddy; I know he’s going to do a great job. I am just excited all around for this next step in our lives together.

Here is my 35 week picture:

How far along: 35 weeks (35 days to go until the due date!)
Weight gain: 31 lbs.
Maternity clothes: Yes, and the shirts are getting mighty tight & a little short
Stretch marks: Nope
Sleep: Wish I could get more of it
Best moment this week: Having 1 random stranger & 2 people I know tell me I’m “all baby,” look beautiful & look like I haven’t gained that much weight other than the belly.
Movement: Lots of jabs & kicks. I’m starting to feel little angular jabs or drags across my belly, which I’m thinking are elbows & knees. Oh, wow! Last night I ate a spicy dinner, and she went CRAZY for about an hour afterwards, including hiccups.
Food cravings: Nips candies, Dr. Pepper
Gender: Girl
Labor signs: Baby dropping, Braxton Hicks contractions
What I miss: Waking up in the morning and not wanting to crawl immediately back into bed from exhaustion
What I’m looking forward to: My work shower on Thursday, my maternity photos on Sunday & getting the house finished this weekend (3-day weekend WOOHOO!)
Weekly Wisdom: In our baby care basics class last night, she had the class discuss with their partners some things about postpartum life and how to prepare for it. It was nice be able to discuss things with Ryan on how we can make life easier, like sleep when the baby sleeps (duh), take turns eating dinner if the baby’s fussy & needs to be held so we can both get a chance to feed ourselves, too, figure out how we can mitigate common disagreements which may escalate once the baby arrives, make a “bliss list” of things we’ll need and how often & how we can accomplish that (ie: have date nights at least twice a month, work out, have decompression time after work). I am also really taking to heart the advice everyone’s been giving me: to cherish every moment with our child; she is a gift from God, and time will move so fast.
Milestones: Baby’s dropping!

34 week update

Ok, I know I'm closer to 35 weeks, but I thought Friday I was looking a little lower and Sarah noticed it. Then Ryan mentioned I may've dropped a little yesterday, and my mom asked me today, so I thought I'd do a quick update. I do feel more pressure in my pelvis and hips than I did, and the heartburn seems to be a little better, too. So, I'll hold off on my normal questions until my next update, but for now here is a lovely Sunday-no-makeup picture of my dropping belly.

Also, I got the nursery all organized, so here are some pic's of our new pictures and some of the sweet things we've gotten.

TSA Step 5

I think everyone experiences those moments of faith that call them to cry out for a glimpse of God’s mercy and His listening ear. Such was the case with my prayer this morning. There have been a few prayers lately where even though I believe with all my heart that God is listening and in control, I haven’t really heard the answers yet, and so my human nature is seeking the Lord to affirm my faith. This is why I cried when Ryan called me this morning to tell me that TSA called him today to come in for the assessment, which I believe is about step 5 out of 7 or 8 in being hired. I am praying that he will be well rested for the interview and God will give him any mental or physical stamina that he needs, that the Holy Spirit will be with him in giving his answers and He will prepare the interviewer/s and that God will confirm quickly whether or not this is the job for Ryan. This is more than just pre-baby planning and wanting to work out our finances. Ryan is really unhappy and very stressed where he is working now, and I’ve been praying for the last few days that God would remove Him from the car industry if that’s His will. I don’t like to see my husband that stressed out. So…if you’re following this, any prayers would be appreciated. Hopefully the Lord will continue to move Ryan through the process quickly and we’ll hear something soon. The Lord is so sweet to answer my prayer this morning and care about the little things. He is so sweet to affirm my faith when I am undeservedly blessed to be given this faith in the first place. To Him be the glory for the things He hath done (& is going to do).

It's raining baby stuff!

(Get it – cuz’ I had a shower??) Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. After Jenni left, I went home and literally worked in the nursery all day until about 9:00 last night, except for a brief dinner date with my mom & Sarah. I will post some finished photos of my nifty organizational skills (of which I am very excited) at a later date. :) I received some wall hangings, and I need to figure out where I’m going to put them.

First of all, I mentioned I picked up Jenni on Friday. It is always so great to be able to hang out with her in person. We talk frequently on the phone, but as anyone knows, time spent one-on-one with a good friend is precious. My grandma asked how long we had been friends, and it’s already been 6 years – wow! We did a little shopping, had lunch and had some good conversations and, typical for us, some goofy ones, too. I appreciate her coming down here and hosting the shower so very much. I won’t ever be able to express my full gratitude. She took very careful steps to ensure the shower would be awesome for me, and it was that and more. From the invitations with the little cats on them to the bookmarks she included for people to write their advice, as she knows my love of reading, the fun sash she had me & my mom wear to the adorable, personalized favor bags, her detailed care was so appreciated. She really took my personality into account in her planning. Of course, the best part was her being here in person for the event. Mine & Ryan's friend, Charlie, graciously offered her beautiful home for the shower and made an adorable little “bouquet” of baby mittens, hats and socks. It was the cutest thing I have seen yet at a shower. The food was great, and she was a lovely hostess. I so appreciated her generosity! She also planned a really cute game in which she spelled out “baby girl” on paper bags and everyone had to write a baby item that began with the letters to win a prize. I got to keep the items in the bags for the baby, things I’ll really need – like an aspirator, a bottle, etc. Very fun! My friend Joann got the cake, and as you’ll see from the photos, it was adorable and matched the invitations and theme with the cute pink cat. Such a good idea, and the red velvet cake was amazing! I do love cake… She was also sweet enough to call to follow up with some of the people who didn’t RSVP, so everyone could have a good count and be able to prepare. That was so appreciated by me! My mom also lent a hand with the planning and setting up, and I know Jenni really appreciated her input. My mom knows be so well, and I could totally see her hand in the planning, too.

It was so fun to catch up with some people I haven’t seen in awhile and to bond with those I see regularly, too. There was lots of laughter and smiles.  As far as everything I got, it would be impossible to list it all here. We got so much fun stuff, and I can’t wait to put it all to use. I am incredibly thankful and feel very blessed for all we received. A slideshow at the bottom of the page offers you a quick view of the event. It was so much fun, and I can’t believe it’s over!

I washed all of her things and put them away yesterday. It was such a special time of excitement to put it all away. I pondered over each little outfit in disbelief that something could ever be so small as to fit into them – how we all fit into something that small at one point is amazing. I pictured our daughter wearing the little outfits I received, pictured her swaddled in her little receiving blankets and her tummy time on the soft blankets we received. Ryan received a lot of diapers from his pamper party yesterday, as well, and the thought crossed my mind that even though it seems like a lot of diapers now, those diapers probably won’t last very long. :) I washed her sheets, bedding & bumper pads and pictured the sweetness of her lying there asleep in the crib…and I’ll be honest, the not-so-sweet moments I’ll probably have of trying to change her bedding in the middle of the night when she throws up or something. I cannot wait for her arrival, and my excitement grows every day. I know I’ve said it before, but it is so hard to believe that time has moved so fast. Wednesday I will be 34 weeks! Before we know it, I will be in labor and we will be driving to the hospital full of nerves, excitement and anticipating the joyous moment we get to meet her and hold her in our arms!

Return of the dreaded morning sickness

I am crabby. Why? Because my morning sickness has returned. I thought I had overcome. I thought I was in the clear. I believe it started a couple weeks ago, when I thought I had a stomach bug. But it just keeps coming back - the nausea, the middle of the night nausea...especially when I am hungry. I guess I will need to be more diligent about mild foods and frequent meals. Only 6.5 weeks until my due date. I can tough it out!!

If it weren't for exhaustion, a lovely house guest and the morning sickness, I'd update on the shower - which was so AWESOME! I will have to update at a later date, though. :)

33 week update

How far along? 33 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +about 30 overall
Maternity clothes: Yup.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Starting to experience some “pregnancy insomnia” – peeing 2-3 times a night, heartburn…seeing how God uses this time to prepare you for an infant.
Best moment this week: Being told by the doctor that I’m one month from being term. I don’t know why, but it really made it sink in and made me more excited! Non-baby wise, my friend Jenni got in yesterday for her visit.
Movement: Lots of it! No problem getting my kick counts. I’m also really noticing her hiccups this week. She’s had them almost every day after lunch.
Food cravings: Hmmm…nothing in particular this week.
Gender: It’s a girl!
Labor signs: None; just those Braxton Hicks.
Belly button in or out? In.
What I miss: Not having heartburn all the time.
What I am looking forward to: MY SHOWER IS TODAY!! YAY!
Weekly Wisdom: Babies are such a gift, but it’s important that the baby doesn’t interfere with your time with God, maintaining relationships (especially with your spouse) and taking care of your body.
Milestones: I’m 8 months pregnant!

Hormones are annoying. I am flitting between tears & wanting to deck someone today. Maybe I'll level out if I have some chocolate... :)

55 days

Sometimes it feels like time is creeping towards my due date, but then I'll open my computer and my homepage will give me my countdown and I realize how fast time is truly moving. I had lunch with a friend and her baby yesterday. I picked her brain about a few things that I've been thinking a lot about lately - breastfeeding, how you know when to do what, swaddling and soothing...many other things, I'm sure. She is a very godly woman, and I greatly appreciated the advice she had to offer, especially the reassurance and encouragement not to be nervous. I watched her interact with her little guy, and it really struck me that I'm sure you research as much as you can and try to get as much info. from the "experts" that you can, but when your baby arrives a lot of things come to you out of love.

I have really been struck by the overwhelming peace that God has given me through the majority of my pregnancy. Oh, sure, I have my freak-outs sometimes when I feel a new pain or I hear about complications in others' pregnancies or babies, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is God and Him alone who has removed anxiety from my life. Even now I can see how He fit all the pieces together, and how this baby is totally part of His plan. I remember the year before getting pregnant how my desire for children increased, but my prayer remained that God would show us His timing for kids by matching Ryan's desire to mine. God worked on my heart regarding worry and anxiety the prior year through our Bible study in Matthew through many things in my life, and I constantly heard His voice saying, "Trust me." Last year, through the Moses study (as I've mentioned before), God worked on me all year regarding the area of trust, and as I read the things that Moses went through and how he had no choice but to trust the Lord, God instilled a higher level of trust in my heart as well. Then Ryan's desire matched mine, and we were given this blessing. I cannot imagine the level of worry I would've had if I had tried to push my plan on my own. I wish I could put into words how it feels that I've been given this freedom from Him. I know things could happen to me, to the baby, to Ryan - however, we are GOD'S. Our lives are in HIS hands and always have been, even since the moment of my & Ryan's conceptions. I've just seen Him do too much in my life and the lives of others to believe any different than His ultimate control is best.

In our childbirth classes, everytime the teacher would say something like "Mother Nature designed it this way..." I scoffed but then had a rush of thanksgiving and awe at how GOD (not M.N.) designed this process. It is just such a blessing, and I am relishing every moment, even the pregnancy discomforts. It will soon be over. I can't wait to meet our daughter!

31 week update

How far along? 31 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +/- 0 lbs. last week; 26.3 overall
Maternity clothes: Yes, and now I need larger shoes due to swelling.
Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Though not uncomfortable, I’ve been waking up to use the bathroom then start thinking about stuff and can’t go back to sleep.
Best moment this week: Our childbirth classes. It was fun to do something different together, and it calmed my nerves a little bit about childbirth. Also, finding out private health insurance costs less than I thought it did – very reassuring.
Movement: Lots – always exceeding her kick count expectations.
Food cravings: Oreos.
Gender: It’s a girl!
Labor signs: Braxton Hicks, according to my class, nesting also counts.
Belly button in or out? In.
What I miss: Being able to bend over to put my shoes & socks on.

What I am looking forward to: The shower.
Weekly Wisdom: It was nice to learn all the “comfort techniques” at the childbirth class, because even though I’m a stab-me-in-the-back labor plan type of girl, I’m still going to have to go through some pain before I receive my epidural.
Milestones: Less than 10 weeks to go! My uterus grew 3cm over the last 2 weeks, so Baby had a growth spurt.

On a side note, our living room is almost done! We're just waiting on the throw rugs. Then I will take some pictures to post.

30 week update

Moto decided he wanted to be in the 30 week update pic. too!

I’m a couple days late posting my update, but sometimes during the week all I want to do is eat dinner & go to sleep. This has been one of those weeks!

How far along? 30 weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: +/- 0 last week; 26.3 overall
Maternity clothes: Yup
Stretch marks? Not yet…
Sleep: So tired I conk out and sleep most of the night
Best moment this week: Not fully baby related, but progressing on our house – we’re almost there!
Movement: Lots of it! Today she got the hiccups and was jumping for about 10 minutes.
Food cravings: Hmmm…not much, really. My appetite seems to have decreased the last week due to bigger uterus and baby pressing on my stomach.
Gender: It’s a girl!
Labor signs: Nope, just those Braxton Hicks contractions.
Belly button in or out? In.
What I miss: Being able to help Ryan with household tasks and not feeling so sore that I did two triathlons back-to-back. I am taking it easy from this point out – I learned my lesson. Also…sometimes I miss just being able to go out in public without my belly becoming a conversation topic with strangers, but from what I hear, this must be preparation for having a baby.
What I am looking forward to: The house being done; my baby shower.
Weekly Wisdom: Don’t look at your registry; that way you’ll be surprised!
Milestones: I can countdown – 10, 9, 8….weeks to go!

I feel like my belly has gotten ginormous in the last week! I wonder if I will find out from the doctor that we had another little growth spurt when I go in next week. I’m finding I’ve become more interactive with the baby as her movements get stronger & I can see more. I also learned that she can now recognize music, so I’ve started to play some soothing songs in my car on the way home and sing to her. I like Plumb’s album Blink. It’s lullabies, but not the classic ones. She’s got some really cool remakes of hymns and such on there. I can’t believe how quickly time goes. It truly feels like it was just a month or so ago when I took that positive test, and now we are only 10 weeks or so from bringing her home. I pray every day that the Lord will prepare us for this next step in our marital journey, that we’ll be the kind of parents He wants us to be and much more for her life.

Our first childbirth class (1 of 2) is tomorrow. Although I love kids and have wanted my own my whole life, I have still had massive fear of labor & delivery since I was about the age of thirteen. I’m hoping the classes will give me enough information to keep me informed and calm my fears. I’ve heard the nurses don’t really like patients who freak out, so I’m going to do my best to not be one of them. Updates of that to follow… :)

73 days!

73 days may seem like a lot, but when I think of how fast time goes, it's really not. I am getting so excited to meet our baby! I stopped at Babies R Us on Friday after work to pick up a maternity back support thingy, and I decided to just browse the store. I picked up a cute baby book to record memories in for our daughter. It meant a lot to me that my mom did such a good job at this when I was little; I want to be able to share this with my daughter, too. I also made our first clothing purchase for Baby. This is the outfit I'm planning on taking to the hospital to bring her home in:
It says "apple of Daddy's eye." Awww!! So sweet. So impossibly small. Sigh. I just cannot wait!

Paint & Swollen Ankles

Ryan stayed up until after 1:00 putting primer on my living room walls. He also had to work today from at least 9-6, so I'm very appreciative. :) I do believe our nesting instinct is in full swing, don't you? :) My mom came over today to help me paint and also to help my grandma with some things. We started painting at about 10:45 and kept going, with a short break for lunch, until 4:25. Here are the results so far. Other results include sciatic nerve pain, swollen ankles and expectation of a very good night of sleep. The hardwood floor people are coming to finish our floors this week; they should be done by Wednesday or Thursday, and what you will see is a nice oak color, which is a little lighter than the color you see now. Hard work pays off, because I am proud of the results so far.

29 week update

How far along? 29 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 26.3 overall (+.6 last week)
Maternity clothes: Yes, and even my maternity shirts seem to be getting shorter!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Pretty good this week. I’m having more and more dreams about the baby – especially of us together in the nursery, like me singing her to sleep.
Best moment this week: Finishing the nursery!
Movement: She makes me laugh sometimes, because she gets so wild in there. Her most active times are right after work, around 6:00, and before bed, around 9:30. She just goes crazy. I even have to wait for her to settle down sometimes to go to sleep. I love it though; it is truly the most amazing thing to see her moving around.
Food cravings: Hot & Spicy Chicken sandwich from McD’s – I had been craving this since Monday, so I got one today (my unhealthy splurge of the week); marshmallows; watermelon
Gender: It’s a girl!
Labor signs: Nope.
Belly button in or out? Still in (Thank you, God!)
What I miss: Nothing really, this week. I’ve just been enamored by the babe so much and am really enjoying being pregnant this week.
What I am looking forward to: My childbirth classes that begin next weekend and my shower.
Weekly Wisdom: I think Baby Wise is just a good book all around – this week I’ve been reading a lot about breastfeeding, and this book has a lot about it. Also, today someone told me they’d highly recommend taking the laptop to the hospital. It was a “lifesaver” for her husband, plus you can send out an e-mail to everyone at once and include a picture.
Milestones: Baby was big enough for the doctor to tell what position she’s in, but we’re told she’s still small enough to flip if she decides to. She’s currently head down, with her back on the right and butt up kind of by my ribs. She’s kind of in a “C” shape and her feet are either up by my ribs or lower, if her knees are curled in.

You'll notice in my picture that our living room looks pretty bare. We ripped up the carpet and are refinishing the original hardwood floors (when I say "we" I mean Ryan & some hired help). :) My very gracious and generous mother has agreed to come help me start painting on Saturday; Ryan & I will finish on Sunday. By next week, our living room will have a new look to it, including some new comfy furniture that will be delivered next weekend. I'm super excited! I know I especially will be spending a lot of time at home in the near future, and I'm so thankful that my sweet grandma has let us do with our living room whatever we desire to make it homey for us. Here are some "before" pictures; I will post some pictures once our project is complete.

Cheers to Jenni!

Driving in to work this morning, I was thinking about how last year at around this time, Jenni & I did the MS150 in Colorado. The MS150 is 150 mile bike ride over two days; the first day I think we did 80 and the second day we did the rest. Jenni & I tend to, to put it mildly, have slight anxiety the night before a race. And the day of a race, too, I might add. Aw heck, it's more than slight anxiety - it's outright hysteria. But after the race, it always makes us laugh. I have so many great memories of our friendship, and I am so thankful she is in my life! Cheers to Jenni and some of the great memories we've made. :)