My Faithful, Comforting God

One of the things I'd forgotten about pregnancy is the migraines. I have had one since yesterday morning (it's now 2:25). I've kind of kep it at bay off and on since then, but last night I woke up in intense pain and had to take one of my migraine pills. I worried about and prayed about it and felt it was the best thing to do. Then this morning, I prayed for peace. I announced my pregnancy to my small group at BSF today, because I am not sure how much longer I'll be in their group and when I'll move to leader's. After group, a sweet lady came up to me and said the Lord gave her a verse for me. She said when I announced it, God spoke to her and said, "She will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (It comes from Ps. 27:13.) Then she said, "God wants you to know this pregnancy is a blessing and you're going to have a healthy baby." Then she prayed over me. What a sweet blessing! I just sat down to listen to my lecture and was reading the opening from this morning. The TL spoke on fear. She said:

"When we are in fear we can do nothing less than pray to God, but Our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His Name should have an understanding confidence in Him. God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crisis they are the reliable ones. Our trust is in God up to a certain point, then we go back to the elementary panic prayers of those who do not know God. We get to our wits’ end, showing that we have not the slightest confidence in Him and His government of the world; He seems to be asleep, and we see nothing but breakers ahead."

Then:

"We have been talking a great deal about sanctification – what is it all going to amount to? It should work out into rest in God which means oneness with God, a oneness which will make us not only blameless in His sight, but a deep joy to Him."

I believe God has my best in mind. It is so sweet to know that even when I falter in my faith and give into fear that He is still there to reassure me that He will never let me go, even in a true crisis.

Prayer works!

I have been praying for two years (ever since Ryan started at TSA) that God would protect his schedule for my ministry at BSF on Saturday mornings and Monday evenings, that God would allow Ryan to be able to attend church and that Ryan would have hours that allowed him to spend time with us as a family. God has been very faithful in protecting my BSF ministry; Ryan has always been able to watch Zooey on Mondays, and when I wasn't sure who was going to watch her every Saturday, God changed his hours. At that time, the hours also allowed him to come to church with us. At the beginning of the month, Ryan applied for a supervisor position. I spread the word to pray fervently for God's will in this. We found out last Thursday that he got the job! Praise God! What is really cool, and I'm still in awe over (because God is just so COOL and always blesses in abundance!) is what this job brings for our family.

~He'll be home around 3:30 every day. Home for dinner!! And BSF!!
~His schedule doesn't make him go in too early or too late, so he's not going to be sleep-deprived.
~His days off are Saturday and Sunday! BSF & Church are covered!
~He'll be able to take holidays off most of the time.
~He got a pay raise, of course, but honestly I'm so super excited about the other stuff, that this is just an additional blessing to us.

God is so faithful to us. Thank you Jesus! I'm loving this new gig you've given my husband!

I miss my mom today. I was driving home after lunch and glanced at the clock. "1:38," I thought, "I'll call Mom; she's probably at lunch." I shook my head and realized all in one moment that she's not here. Oh, how I long that she could've seen Zooey on Christmas. I wish I could've talked with her about the ways Zooey's grown in the last year, how she really gets how to open a gift now, how cute she was on her slide that Santa brought her. I wish I could upload the video of Christmas morning and show her and see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. I wish I could take her to the places I take Zooey to play and explore. I just miss sharing life with her. I wish I could hear her tell me funny stories, or sing her silly songs to her dogs, or hear her tell me what she learned on Charles Stanley. It's the little things, you know?

I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!

I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.

One Month

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.

When I started this blog, it was a secret one...I journaled about the fears & worries of my first trimester with Zooey before we made the pregnancy public. I had no idea it would be such an outlet or that I'd be journaling about my mom battling cancer & dying. I've always been a journaler, and although it's sometimes tough to write about things publicly, I'm glad I have, because I wouldn't have received so much of the encouragement that I've gotten had I continued to keep it a secret. Thank you for that.

Seven years ago I did counseling to deal with grief in another season of my life. I feel I have a lot of "head knowledge" about the grieving process and all the steps; however, nothing quite prepares you for actually feeling it. It's fine in theory to try to compartmentalize your grief and to cry for 15 minutes a few set times a day, but what about when you need to cry because it hits you when you're out to dinner with the whole family that there's an emptiness of someone not being there? Or when I give my baby a bath and remember the last time my mom was able to do that? Or when I want to ask my mom to pray for Zooey for something then remember she's not there? I'm not saying the information isn't helpful, it is, but just like I thought the diagnosis would somehow help prepare me for the loss, it didn't prepare me for anything. One cannot be prepared for the loss of someone so close. I certainly wasn't prepared that Zooey would notice as much as she has.

I so wish I could shield Zooey from all this! From the stress and sadness she must feel around her. Tonight I stopped by my mom's house (I can't stop calling it that...) to pick up some food. Zooey recognized where we were, pointed toward my mom's window and started whining for her grandma. I know she's more aware of this loss than any of us probably realize, and it just breaks my heart. I wish I could somehow wrap her in a giant bubble of joy and let her out when this season is over, but unfortunately, we can't do that. And you know what I am realizing? God loves us so much more than we love our children - so much that He sent His Son to die for us - and yet He doesn't shield us from disappointment and immense pain. He tells us He's here for us, wraps us in His arms, holds us close, comforts us with His Word and lets us cry; He feels our pain. I will, therefore, follow His example and hold my little girl up and let her cry and cry with her. I will keep my mom's memory alive and tell Zooey how much my mom loved her. I will show her tons of pictures and pass along lessons my mom taught me, especially the ones about Jesus. I will seek God's help as my Father to teach me how to be an excellent mother to Zooey through this, and because it's His desire, I know He will be faithful to answer my prayer.

Heartsick

We were told today to "get ready" by Matt (the nurse). He said based on her vitals (BP 90/40 & pulse 132) and the fact that she's now in a semi-comatose state that he's guessing five days, possibly sooner. Although I haven't had a real conversation with my mom in over two weeks and she's not really herself, this is still majorly difficult. I feel heartsick. I feel so incredibly sad. I feel panicked that her life is almost over, that her time here on earth is almost up. It is so hard to see her like this, not really responding to what we say. I know she can hear us, but this isn't the same. I feel at a loss for words; I'm just so sad. I don't want to lose her, yet I don't want to see her suffer anymore. I know that "to live is Christ and to die is gain," but when I'm looking at her sweet face, I just want her here. I want to talk to her about Zooey and hear the excitement in her voice. I want to give her a hug and feel her arms hug me back. I read Phil. 4 to her and sang some of her favorite hymns tonight. She was agitated and this seemed to calm her a bit. I hate this. I hate the pain for me, for Zooey, my dad, for my sister, for my grandma and for the rest of my family. I love her so much.

When shadows fall on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When all seems lost & we're thrown & we're tossed

We'll remember the cost

We rest in it

The shadow of the cross

Last night was another rough night with Mom. She was extremely agitated for about three hours, and we finally called the nurse on-call who came out for a visit. They've increased her fentanyl to 100mcg and also upped her morphine and haldol (for the terminal agitation). She seems to have some day/night confusion and rests all day only to be up almost all night. Last night my older sister Melissa came and helped us out. We were actually able to rest; she was a total Godsend! When the nurse Matt came out today he told us that my mom is now in the active dying phase. He said that he always says two weeks at this point for a worse-case scenario, but he really thinks it will be closer to one week. She hasn't drank anything today or used the restroom. Once she stops urinating, he said it will be about five days. From here on out, he said it will be very rough (as if it hasn't been already!), because dehydration and electrolye imbalances cause more confusion, in addition to the body going haywire and shutting down on itself (which impacts the heart and brain and everything else). She has started gasping for air, and she also has more congestion in her chest than she did yesterday. The literature we've been given says this is another sign that it is close. She is sleeping much more than even two days ago.

Matt encouraged us to think about hiring a CNA to come in and care for her, so we can take the role of daughters more than caretakers; we've decided to do that, and an aide will be here starting tonight. I can't say I'm not relieved. Although we will stay here at night, because the CNA cannot administer meds and because we want to be here when she passes, I miss Ryan so incredibly much and will be able to at least go home for a bit to spend some time with him or go out to grab a bite to eat. Likewise, it will be good for Sarah to get home to play with her dogs and spend time with Rey. We've also been a little worried about Zooey being here when my mom gets so agitated (we want Zooey to have great memories of her; I remember things from my mom being pregnant when I was Zooey's age, so I am assuming she is going to remember things even if she may not), so this will allow us to get her home at night and pick her up in the morning.

We are praying that my mom isn't trying to hang on for things when she's already in so much pain, that she'll know it's ok to let go when it's time. She keeps asking for the date and crying when we tell her; my dad's birthday is 8/16, and their anniversary is 8/23. She also keeps asking for her sister, Kathi, who will be coming out tomorrow. Please pray that she'll be reassured that although we will be sad and miss her, that it's ok to go and we'll be ok.

Please also pray that the new pain medication regimine that we began will be effective and we can stay on top of her pain levels to minimize her agitation and reduce her pain. Pray for the Lord to calm her when she's confused or agitated, as well.

God continues to be at work, from being very present to sending me "kisses" of Scripture to continuing to being there for us through His church. I am in awe of His love, and I trust His faithfulness. This morning while I was praying, it was one of those wonderful moments where I could literally feel the Lord's arms around me and His peaceful Presence. It was just what I needed at that moment. He also gave me the following verses today, which remind me that my hope, my strength, my confidence and all my abilities come from Him alone. He is my Rock.

"Your laws endure to this day, for all things serve you. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life." Psalm 119:91-93

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-39

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep praying for the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18

The last few days have been pretty awful. At this point, my heart is screaming "Don't take her!!," but my mind and also my heart want my mom to be free of all this. She has what they call terminal agitation, which means she's been extremely agitated, combative, hallucinating and just not herself anymore. As much as I have heard of other dying patients acting like this, I honestly never thought about it with regard to my mom. It breaks my heart, because I can tell she's uncomfortable and frustrated and confused...and there's nothing I can do to help her other than give her the meds they've prescribed to hopefully help with some of this. Sarah and I have probably each gotten about 4 hours sleep max the last couple of nights; it's been pretty intense. It is taxing on us, as well, but mostly it just breaks my heart.

Glimpses of Heaven

I am extra thankful these days for little random blessings. Things like Zooey somehow reaching her wipes when she should've been napping yesterday, hearing her laughing up a storm and going in to find all the wipes in her crib and her shorts soaking wet. She thought that was quite fun! Or today, when I took my first-ever nap with her all cuddled up against me...this is something I never thought I'd do, but when you have a teething toddler and you're totally exhausted, it just kind of happens. Watching my little girl play in the yard with Sarah's dogs today was a nice reprieve. Having Ryan here today was awesome and added a sense of normalcy to my life. I feel overwhelmingly blessed by the prayer support of those who know me, my mom and my family...Sarah and I were talking today, and that we know of at least 80 people who are praying for us - wow, God is amazing. Our whole family is blessed by the meals brought to us and the offers to watch Zooey. Thank you!

Yesterday she saw someone out the window that we couldn't see and then asked us how the others get on. Last night I was in with my mom, laying my head at the foot of her bed after giving her her medication and talking to her for a little while. She woke up, but she didn't look at me. She was looking up and nodding, saying, "OK." She said, "Help me," then reached up and hugged someone; she said, "OK" and nodded again. We believe this is God at work answering the prayers to be present with my mom to give her peace. I can literally feel a sense of peace when I walk in her room, even when it's an upsetting moment. I can tell the Lord is present, and it is here, sitting quietly by her bed, that I am prompted to pray, to worship and to read His Word. Thank you for your prayers, and thank You, Jesus, for giving us these glimpses of You and strengthening our faith.

Her nausea is staying away, thank God. She is still swallowing and still waking up to talk to us for bits of time. We were told today that she may be in an unresponsive/comatose state by the weekend...of course, only God knows His real timing, but it is so sad that we are getting so close. She fell today trying to get up to go to the bathroom by herself. It was pretty scary; the Hospice nurse was here, thankfully, and she is going to get us an alarm system to put on the bed. Please pray that this would completely eliminate her falling (this is the 2nd time it's happened) and that we would hear her and attend to her quickly, even if we're sleeping. Please pray for my sister, Sarah, to be able to sleep. Pray that God would hold us, especially my poor, sweet dad in His arms. He is just at a complete loss...it breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for being the hands and feet of Jesus to us.

I feel like time has stopped. Things seem to freeze or go fast, and I feel out of sorts. We can be talking and laughing one minute and the next I will look at my mom, sleeping, and become so deeply sad that she won't be joining in our conversation like she used to. Although she is still my mom, everything is different. Although she is still alive, and I'm cherishing every moment I get to spend with her, I am already missing her and the way things used to be. I see a pair of earrings, and I cry, because I know she's not going to wear them to go out to lunch or come visit Zooey. I cry when I put her laundry away, knowing that she's only wearing nightgowns now. It saddens me when she tries to whisper something to us and she's so weak that we cannot understand her.

I worry over the fact she fell last night and couldn't get up...what if we don't hear her and she falls again?

Yesterday afternoon her blood pressure had dropped from about 98/70ish to 80/52. Today we woke up and went in to her room to find that she hadn't changed positions in eight hours and had been sound asleep the whole time. Her mouth was so dry it broke my heart, and her hands and feet are bluish grey. She is starting to have a hard time swallowing, and when Hospice came today they said that she will probably lose her ability to swallow in the next couple of days. She was prescribed a stronger pain patch for when that happens, so that she will remain comfortable and able to sleep.

I was SO blessed to be able to sit with her today for about 30 minutes praying and singing hymns as she was half asleep and resting; it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do this without breaking down in tears. After we were done, she said, "It's going to happen. Where is she?" We found out she meant my grandma. We feel it's going to be soon. I was priveleged to be able to read the Bible, some of my mom's favorite marked passages, to her and my family and experience God's peace come in the room. It was shortly after these times of worship that my mom was looking around the room asking, "What's that?" and telling us that she saw lights. I am certain that our Lord and His angels are present with her as she is close to being called home to Heaven. I marvel at this and wonder what kind of divine experience death is when you know Jesus, when you get so close you can see His light and hear His voice. I am sure my mom is being very blessed, very comforted and is experiencing Jesus' Love in a way unimaginable.

When my grandpa died, someone told me that it is a privelege to be with someone as they have one foot here and one foot in heaven, and I have to say, while this journey is heartbreaking, it has been a privelege to be with her and spend this time with her. It is also really encouraging me to tell others how I feel before it's too late. Jesus was always so open with His love and affection and even when He was disappointed...we are to follow His example in our life and our relationships; I want to be more like Him in this way.

As I sit down to type this, I have so many emotions going through me that it is hard to know exactly where I'm at. Depression, Anger...still some Denial, and even I have to ask myself, how is that possible? Hospice is now coming daily to visit my mom. She is sleeping most of the time; thank God that He offered a new course of treatment for the nausea and diarrhea that were not leting her rest for several days earlier this week. She doesn't wake too much, and when she does she is often confused. In her lucid moments she is saying what needs to be said about her love, concerns and her past. It is so hard to see her down this path, but I also feel very blessed that I get to walk along side her, to tell her how much I love her and to be able to comfort her and provide things for her - a back rub, a drink. She hasn't eaten in several days, but she is still drinking. Elizabeth, her nurse, said yesterday that my mom is at the few weeks mark, meaning she could go anywhere from 1-3 weeks.

On Monday (can it be that it was only Monday? that conversation feels like it was 2 weeks ago!), Elizabeth told us to be sure to tell her it is ok to go when it's time and that we will miss her but will be alright. We've all told her this, even my grandma, who my mom is very concerned about. It was very hard for my dad to tell her that. When we asked him if he was going to tell her, he broke down crying and said how can he tell her that when he's never going to be ok? It breaks my heart to see him and my sister in pain. I think it helped her for us to tell her that, though. It was at that point she opened up to us about how ready she is to go Home.

A dear friend told me yesterday about how her friend has been a Hospice nurse for a long time. My friend's best friend of 25 years died several months ago of cancer, and the nurse told her that in all her years of being a hospice nurse, there's one thing she is certain of and that is when someone knows Christ that He is completing a Holy work in them right up to the end. She said that she's never seen a moment wasted, and although she doesn't understand it, she's seen it many times. She said that Christians can be assured that not a moment of their life is wasted; He is completing His work in them right up to the moment He is ready to bring them home to Glory. This really comforted me, and I believe it 100%.

If you are praying for my mom, please pray the following:

~Her one request is that He would take her soon and quickly.

~God would keep the nausea/GI problems away and that He would let her be in comfort and in as little pain as possible.

~God would wrap His loving arms around her and let her feel His presence.
~He would protect her and our family from opposition.

~He would comfort our family.

~He would protect our health.

My mom is declining quickly; over the last two weeks she really seems to have gone downhill, in fact, she's really declined a lot since last Tuesday at Zooey's early birthday party. I've struggled a lot with being completely honest about some of her symptoms as of late, because I know she's still be reading my blog and I don't want to cause her any pain about something she may be sensitive about. I think it is to the point where I can be completely honest, because to be honest in another way, it is simply impossible for me to give everyone a specific, detailed update one-on-one.


She is very fatigued; the nurse, Elizabeth, has explained to us that this is in part due to the disease progressing and death approaching and also because her oxygen is low (it was 87 on Friday). She feels ill, like she's going to vomit, and is having a hard time taking her medications because of this. The anti-nausea has not been helping this much. Her appetite has significantly decreased; she may eat a couple of crackers and a yogurt all day. She is also very confused. This is the hardest thing on her, and for me, it is the hardest thing to watch. She has a hard time writing and thinking about numbers, and she's finding it harder to use her cell phone. We don't know if the cancer has gone to her brain, or if this is just a normal part of the dying process. At her visit last week, my mom asked about having an aide come in to help her shower and dress, because mornings are very hard for her (the cough, pain). For us to hear this, and for her to acknowledge this, was a big wake up call to how bad she's actually feeling. For anyone who knows my mom, you know she is extremely modest and this would be a worse case kind of request. Our family met the aide, Amy, on Friday, and it was agreed that she would start coming today and come in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

That brings me to today. Last night my mom told my dad to cancel the aide. He did, and when Elizabeth called him this morning to tell him he can't cancel the aide (it is another way for Hospice to have eyes on my mom during the week to see how she's doing), my dad broke down crying about how bad my mom was doing. Elizabeth then rushed over to their house. Sarah was already on her way over and called me when she found out Elizabeth was there; I too went over. My mom was given some anti-nausea medication, and Elizabeth's professional opinion is that it is time to take my mom off of all medication except those needed for comfort measure. She told us that she had a very honest conversation with my mom this morning about how bad my mom feels, and my mom admitted she is ready to go. Elizabeth told us that when someone admits that, it is a big deal, and she really feels this is the best thing to do. My mom can't take her oral med's, because they make her feel so sick; she's just been laying in bed feeling more sick than she needs to. Elizabeth said that she told Sarah on Friday that she'd let her know when we got to the two week mark (at that time, she had given us a two month max "loose" window due to my mom putting on a strong face for her; we all know she can't say for sure), and she said today she feels my mom's time is probably at about a month, maximum. As she watches my mom this week, she'll be able to guage whether we are even closer to that two week mark. She told us as it gets closer we need to tell her it's ok for her to go and that we'll be ok. She also reiterated to us what the Hospice book they gave us says, not to take it personal when she says she doesn't want to see us or she wants to be alone, which she has started telling us within the last four days.

Of course, we don't feel like we'll be ok. Of course, it is scary and sad and heartbreaking. My pastor said something yesterday in church that really stood out to me. He said, "We need our brother, because sometimes the Christ in their heart is greater than the Christ in our own heart." Last week I read some on the parable of the paralytic man whose friends lowered him through the roof of the home where Jesus was teaching, because they believed that Jesus could heal him. No where in that passage does it say the man had his own faith that he would be healed; he was healed because of the faith of his friends. I have been thinking a lot about how much God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends who pray for our family and how your faith is carrying me through this when my faith sometimes seems to be in crisis. Thank you for your prayers; thank you for following Jesus' call to unite as one body under His head. Thank you for your hugs and your love. Thank you for the prayers that Jesus would hold us in His arms and strengthen our faith, because I know in my own life, He is doing just this, and He continues to help me through this by causing me to think on His promises. I feel that it is important that I tell you all that even when this hurts, even when I feel like it's going to kill me, I know my God is real; I know my God is in control. I know He is Just, Fair, Omniscient, even when things don't feel that way. His character and His promises are what hold me up.

An Update

Many of you have asked either in real life or online how my mom is doing. Although I sent out an update via email to our prayer chain, I realize some of you may not be included in that, so I wanted to let you all know how she's doing.

About a month ago at her Hospice meeting, the nurse told her that the doctor was concerned with the rate the disease was progressing. She is definitely getting worse. She is fatigued and weak, her cough is worse, she finds it difficult to breathe and her resting heart rate is high due to the pain she is in. According to the Hospice nurse, all these things are normal as the disease progresses and the pain medication she is on adds to her feeling tired and confused. At her last visit (last Wednesday), my mom asked the nurse when she thought my mom would be completely bedridden. Although the nurse cannot give a perfect estimate, she basically said that for now my mom needs to find a fine balance between getting out of the house (which is very important for her sanity, as I'm sure all of us can relate) and resting; if it was up to the nurse, she said, she'd like to see her resting more. She said that right now my mom can muster up enough energy to force herself to do something, and she doesn't want to try to stop her from doing that, because she wants her to enjoy things now, but soon she will find she cannot even muster enough energy to forcer herself to do these things. So, for now, my mom might get out 2-3 times a week for a very brief amount of time before she needs to go back home to rest. The resting is definitely becoming a greater part of her day. She is now to the point where she also feels that she isn't up for much company, which is by no means personal against anyone; it is simply, as the Hospice material says, a normal part of the dying process. There may even come a time soon when she won't want to see her immediate family for visits. She's taking it one day at a time.

Our prayer requests are as follows:
~Protection from spiritual opposition for her and my family
~That her transition to Jesus' arms would be as painless as possible
~That God would give her peace about the unknown (pain, the way the disease will progress) and will hold her firmly in His arms, making His peace overwhelmingly real to her
~That He would bless the time we have left with her
~That God would comfort our family during this time

Thank you for caring and for following along on this journey with our family. It means the world to us, and we greatly appreciate your prayers.

Time

I feel like time is moving exceptionally fast. I have an almost-two-year-old. I just turned 30. Time with my mom, though, is the thing that seems to be so fleeting. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and all I want is to be near her. I know for many of you, it's been awhile since you've received an update about her. The blunt way to say it is that she's getting worse. She still gets out and about, coming to visit Zooey or going out to eat with us, but her pain level is definitely increased and she's much more tired. Her heart rate is high all the time, which the Hospice nurses say are due to her pain level. Her nurse this week told her that it would not be a surprise to him if it was her heart that did her in, not the cancer. To hear that was very scary for me, because we all know how heart issues can take a person quickly, suddenly...without any warning. I sometimes feel that if she continued to live forever here on this earth, as did I, there would not be enough time or moments to remember or to tell her how I feel about her. Those are the thoughts that cause my heart to sieze in panic, thinking that we truly have such a short time left together, and I still have so much I want to say, so much I wish we could do. I pray that God will give me the time, the words and the guts to express all that I need to before He calls her home. I love her so much.

While this time is very distressful, I have to say I am constantly amazed to be loved by such a big God, the One who holds me in the night when I can't fall back to sleep. The One who gives me just the right passage of Scripture I need on difficult days, like this one from a sweet friend who knows that I've been having even more difficulty sleeping due to unrelated things: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." ~Psalm 3:5. The One who reminds me in those sleepless times that I must continue to praise Him and thank Him for the blessings, because without that kind of perspective it is so hard to see the hope He has for me. The One who reminds me after a workout that He created our bodies to thrive on this earth for a time, breathing and moving healthily, but like Ecclesiastes tells us, there is also "a time to die." I am so thankful to be His princess, a daughter of the Most High King.

As much as I feel like I've been through the gamut with the emotions of grief, I realized today how much denial I am still in about my mom. About a month ago, we met with a local Hospice care, so that when her doctor gave her the referral on the 29th, she'd know who she wanted to use. Well, the referral has come & gone, and yesterday she had her first appointment with Hospice in her home. She's been prescribed morphine drops for her pain. She hadn't told me before yesterday that she is super breathless when she gets out of the bath, and she can no longer walk her dog as she runs out of breath. The nurse was supposed to go by today to show her how to administer the drugs, which she's going to start taking if she feels in pain or out of breath.

For some reason, the fact that Hospice really came to her house has made the fact that she's going to die much more real to me today. A million thoughts have run through my head today, thoughts about how I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her to talk about our days. She cares about and is so close to Zooey; it saddens me so much that I won't be able to share all Zooey's cute little moments and her milestones with my mom, who cares so much and gets so excited over her little Zooey. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to call her for her take on a tough passage of Scripture or to share all I've learned in BSF. Those are some of the thoughts I've been having. It kills me that I am going to have to see her suffer; I pray all the time that her suffering will be minimal before Jesus calls her to heaven.

I worry so much that I won't be a good mom in the midst of my grief, that my emotions will overtake me and I won't be able to care for my little girl. Those of you who have been praying, this is my biggest request for myself, that God will fully enable me to grieve, without totally losing it, and care for my family.

I don't get it, still. I don't understand why God's going to take her home. There are many days I still don't think it's "fair," and I still get angry about it. Thank God, though, that I serve such a personal, intimate God who cares about me and all my emotions. Last night, the speaker at BSF said, "We're in Christ, adn even when we can't see HIm, we can rest in assurance He's there. We can look up. We can trust that He knows and will see it through to the day of God's glory. Just today, I opened my Bible to read "He has sent me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:1b,3. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." Is. 61:10-11. And, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Today as I was driving around, the song "Blessings" came on the radio, and the DJ said that Christians will suffer just like anyone else, but we have the assurance of knowing that God is with us and will walk alongside us through our suffering.

So...I don't get it, it hurts, and I hate it; however, I am going to focus on these truths today and let God take me moment by moment through all the hurt and all the heartache until the day of God's glory. I know, because of the verses in Isaiah, that her being with Jesus is going to be WAY more amazing and beautiful than this earth. I rejoice that someday I will meet Jesus face to face where I will be adorned in His beautiful garments, and I will see my mom again. We'll be able to share all the things we know about Jesus together again, and we'll be able to praise Him side by side. These are the truths I'm going to hold onto as I praise Him in this storm.

It's a Sad Sad Sad Sad World

The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.

I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.

This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.

I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?

The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11

Concerned But Not Without Hope

My mom had her PET scan review with Dr. B (the oncologist) on Wednesday. The news is not so great. She apparently has a large pleurel effusion in her left lung lining, where the lobe they removed would be. She also has a mass showing metabolic activity and some new lymph node activity, including some in her neck. Dr. B & Dr. N (the pulmonologist) both feel that it is highly unlikely that these things alone and in combination are a result of the sarcoids, and they feel that it is a sign of cancer.

She had blood work yesterday, and today she had the procedure done to drain the fluid in her lung. They said the fluid was yellow, which apparently is a good color if there has to be fluid. She has to just kind of take it easy and not lift anything heavy for about a week. She will meet with Dr. B next Wednesday to discuss the results. Dr. B considers her lung cancer non-smoker's cancer and will test her past tumor (and if it's cancer this time) to verify what type of cancer it is. If it is the type that is related to a gene, there are two pills she can take daily, giving her approximately 18 mos. - 2 yrs. of life. If it is the other type of cancer, Dr. B estimates she has 3-8 mos. left, maybe more because my mom is young and in pretty good shape. In this case, they will offer her pallative care and a type of more mild chemo ("not a toxic kind" my mom said) and switch it once it stops working.

This news is so devastating to me. I don't understand why it's happening. It hurts so much, and of course the waiting is so hard. I feel like God has prepared me for this, whatever may come, though, through my study of Isaiah this year. Throughout the book He promises Christ's return and the hope we have that we will someday be with Him and our loved ones again. His compassion is so evident to His people throughout the chapters. God keeps bringing the truths and lessons to my mind as I pray and seek Him. From the notes last week: "God's purposes in discipline of His people are always change, reunion with Him, and restoration. Not all 'attacks' or stuggles are brought on by God in response to sin, but He uses hardships to make His own children resilient and focused in faith." (italics mine) There has been an ongoing theme that He has placed on my heart: Go to God first. Go to God no matter what the circumstance. The circumstance may not change, you may not understand, but go to Him who never changes and is in perfect control to offer you perfect peace. Go to the One who gave His life for you, so that you can experience His merciful compassion. Everything and everyone else offers a false sense of security; go to Him with your anxiety and your troubles. He doesn't change. He is JUST, He is FAIR when life isn't. He is ALWAYS there. These are the lessons I'm holding onto, because honestly, there's nothing else I can do. I'm praying so hard that He will heal her, that the cancer's not there, but I'm praying equally hard that if that's not His will that He will draw me closer to Him, help me to minister to my family and that He will hold each of us, especially my mom, so close that we can feel Him.

God has been so faithful to point things out to me when I open my Bible. Just this morning, when doing my lesson, I read "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." This is the promise that believers in Christ have to look forward to. Even when death is feared, there is hope in Christ.

We are in the full swing of the Christmas season. In eight days, we will be sitting around a dinner table with family and friends and opening gifts. Many of us will go to church, some of us may only go this one night a year. Will you take a moment this year to ponder what exactly it is you're celebrating? God Himself came to earth, put skin on and walked among us. He willingly stepped out of the perfection of Heaven in his Glory and placed Himself in this life - this life where there's so much pain, sorrow, suffering, all because of our sin - and then He willingly took a beating and died a gruesome death that we all deserve to die, so that each person who chose Him might be free. Free from sin, free to really live, free to have hope & peace in the midst of fear and pain. When we celebrate Christmas, we are celebrating the beginning of Jesus' life on earth, the miracle of God becoming Man, so that He could become the only Perfect sacrifice for you and for me. I pray that your Christmas is filled with His rich blessings, peace and Hope.

What's normal?

Life seems "back to normal" with the Cancer situation. Mom's back at work. She looks healthy, once again. Will things ever really be back to normal though? Will we all be waiting for the call after a scan - the call that says "the cancer's back"? It's extra hard, I think, in Mom's case, because of the sarcoidosis. Stupid things won't ever let them see if they even got it all. They'll be able to do comparison scans with what they've done and will do to see if there are any changes, but since the sarcoids look dark on the scan just like cancer, they'll never really be able to tell if they got it all. Ugh. It's scary. I find myself praying at night, "Please don't let her die, God. Please don't let her die." Of course, I seek God's will for her. Selfishly, though? I just want her here. I cannot imagine it. I don't let my mind go there. I read the statistics for lung cancer funding, and it makes me sick. Things like "The underfunding of lung cancer has kept its survival rate as low as it was in 1971." " 53% of lung cancer in women is not attributed to smoking." "Lung cancer is the leading cause of all cancer deaths for both men and women, accounting for 30% of all cancer deaths." I don't really know what the point of this post was...to vent, maybe? To ask for your prayers? Probably. I just continue to pray that it's gone and that we will never see it again.

I've been slacking on my blogging...

We will see how long this post is, as I think Zooey's in the process of dropping a nap and I may have to go get her very shortly. Life with a baby = little time to blog. There is so much that's been happening on all the fronts of my happy little blog.

On the "oh my gosh does she really think we care" front, we made the decision this week to eat less meat and try (insert overexaggerated drumroll) tofu! For those that know Ryan, this is a BIG deal. And get this - much of it was his idea! So far, we've tried a lovely little tofu stirfry that I threw together for lunch: tofu cubes sauteed in olive oil and garlic then stir fry in the brocolli, purple onion and red bell pepper seasoned with soy sauce and hot sauce; serve over hot brown rice. Delicious! I also made tofu spaghetti, which tasted like spaghetti sauce. I was in a hurry, but I'll let you know how it goes when I decide to actually make my own sauce. I'm excited about this change and hope it will last, as I know it is much healthier for us. We aren't foregoing meat completely, we just won't be eating it as much as we were. If you have any good bean or tofu recipes (or cookbook referrals), please let me know! My husband will not eat a dish with only veggies - there has to be some source of protein. I promise to share any good recipes I come across, too.

Growing in the importance scale here, Zooey is finally on a four hour routine. For those who follow Baby Wise or the Baby Whisperer type of routine, you know that it is nice to have blocks of 2+ hours when you don't have to be home, so "baby can nap." Plus, with all the nap problems we were having, I'm happy to report that the extended schedule actually helped her daytime sleep (I was sooo scared it would hinder it), and she's getting the rest she needs. She's also extra super happy, even with an impending leap on the way, and I promise to post some uber cute 8 month pic's in :sniff, sniff: a week.

It has been so nice to get out and about this summer. So far we've been to the zoo twice, the aquarium and the botanical gardens. I was thinking this morning how this time of year used to be so exciting, because it meant Ryan & I would be heading on our "anniversary vacation." This year, I'm just excited that Zooey's growing and can do more. Along with her physical growth, her sense of wonder grows by the minute, and it's so fun to watch her get interested in things and figure out the way the world works.

My mom finished her chemo and radiation this week. I know I've been somewhat silent on this topic on my blog, but that is because I had so many raw personal emotions about the subject that I decided to journal elsewhere rather than make it so public. It's been a trying experience for our family to watch her go through this. This past week has been extra hard on her, and she's having a very rough weekend. The sensation of not being able to get comfortable no matter what she tries is driving her crazy. The dr. gave her some med's to help her relax, and we're all praying that they will work quickly. In the midst of this whole thing, God continues to answer our prayers. She hasn't thrown up, not once. She had insurance and financial worries answered this week in a positive way. God has shown us all verses and sent us people to encourage us. My faith has grown and once again I have learned how dependent I must be on Christ and how He is in control - not me. I know some of you read this to learn how she is doing, and I wanted to tell you that her treatment has ended. Please continue to pray for quick recovery and that the treatment got rid of all cancer cells with no return.

And...I'm done with the post and it looks like I may even have time to prepare dinner before she wakes up. So nice!

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Do you remember that song from when you were little? I sing it to Zooey before her naps (we used to just do "Jesus Loves Me," but she started to cry the second she heard it and I thought that most inappropriate). :) haha. Anyway, I digress. I sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" then it's "me and you and Daddy," "Grandma and Grandpa," "Aunt RaRa & Uncle Rey..." you get the picture. I was thinking today as I sang what a true, simple statement that is. As my mom began her treatment today, I cried several times throughout the day. I hate to think of her hooked up to poison and the radiation shooting into her body. I hate that she feels fine now, but that the side effects to lead to a hopeful cure can be so rough. I prayed all day that God would minimize those side effects for my sweet mom. And the tune "He's got MY mom" in His hands played over and over and over. I'm so thankful for that sweet children's song to get me through today. John tells us that no one can snatch us out of His hand when we are His. Grateful doesn't begin to express how I feel that nothing - no illness, no disease, no person, nothing - can snatch my mom out of His hand. I can't control her situation, but I'm so glad I have such a big God to entrust her to.