The Struggle of Breastfeeding

Oh my. This is a "venting" post. Motherhood is fantastic, it really is. I look at our baby and think she is the most perfect, wonderful thing that God has ever placed on this earth. She is such a good baby! She hardly fusses, she is sleeping well at night, and she is just a joy.

Zooey underwent her tongue clipping procedure on Wednesday. She was in a little pain on Wednesday, and by Thursday she just seemed to be trying to figure out her new "free" tongue, wiggling it about and sticking it out. I'm sure it takes some getting used to; it's probably like having a whole new tongue or something after all she's known was the tongue-tied one.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know this is naiive, but even though I talked my unrealistic expectations down in my mind, I still expected her to be able to nurse immediately after the procedure and for breastfeeding to be bliss by Thursday. Obviously, my impatience has caused my hopes to be dashed.

OH MY GOSH BREASTFEEDING IS SO HARD!!!!!!!!!

I know not everyone has this many problems. Zooey will eat really good - latch on for 15 minutes per side, swallow, everything. The next feeding, she becomes a red-faced ball of frustration and heart-wrenching cries as she pushes me away, won't latch on or latches on and injures me then won't latch on well again. Sigh. I pray and I pray and I pray that breastfeeding will go well. I stay calm; when I get frustrated I give her the bottle as the lactation consultant suggested. I try to put her to breast after she eats, when she's calm - the other suggestion by the lactation consultant - but she falls asleep and won't do anything. I have another appointment on Monday, and all I can do is pray that God will guide the appointment and give me some new insight, tips a SNS...something to help this process along. Thankfully, I have milk, so I've been able to pump and feed it to her. She's still getting all the immunities and such. I'm tempted to look up exclusive pumping, but whenever I think about that, I remember that I am not one who gives up without a tough fight. Breastfeeding is important to me - the bonding, the closeness, the experience shared with mother and baby. Today is a day where I just feel I'm at the end of my breastfeeding rope. She was crying at the last feeding. I was crying at the last feeding. I loaded her up in her stroller and went on a quick power walk to bust the stress; it helped, and then Ryan, my sweet Ryan, got home and said, "I think you're doing a great job, babe. Let's wait until Monday. She'll have some ideas." And my sister called me and encouraged me saying a bottle isn't bad and wait until Monday. And my mom said to persevere, because I will look back someday (even if it doesn't work) and know that I tried everything I could. God is answering prayer, even if it's not the way I want. He's giving me encouragement through many forms, and it's encouragement I greatly appreciate.

Things "I never"

I never knew I'd be able to function on so little sleep.

I never knew I'd have such an ache to be able to nurse my baby.

I never knew I'd be able to differentiate cries and noises with accuracy.

I never knew I'd have such a tough job come so naturally.

I never knew that one little face could cause so much joy...or pull so much sympathy out of me.

Same goes for one little noise.

I never knew you could get so lost in someone's eyes.

I never knew that holding your child can bring you comfort and peace, too.

I never understood just how fast time can go.

I never comprehended my parents love for me until now.

I never knew I could love another person so ferociously and so innocently - so unselfishly.

I have never had such a high level of respect and love for my husband as I do now. He's such a great dad.

I thought I "got" the importance of a tight-knit family revolving around the Lord - not until now.

I have never had such a deep understanding of the Cross until now - how God looked down on HIS ONLY SON, God Himself, dying down here. For us. Unselfishly. I have never so readily said "I would die for someone" than I have with my sweet daughter. Through relationship with her, God has given me a deeper a view of grace, a view that makes my heart leap with gratitude in my chest and ache in better understanding of just what that sacrifice cost Him.

There is so much more that I know now about life from having a baby, and it's only been 2 and a half precious weeks!

Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with this gift and for all You've already shown us. Ready us for the road that lies ahead.

Time Flies!

I cannot believe that Zooey's almost two weeks old. It is so surreal that she is here, not in my belly, and also that she's been home with us for a week already. Things have been going well. She had her 10 day check up today. She is gaining weight and weighs 8 lbs. 3 oz. and grew about 1/4 in. The doctor said she looks just great. She's eating on a pretty good schedule of about 3 hours, and last night she went a 3 1/2 stretch before she woke up to eat. Zooey is tongue-tied, meaning she can't latch on when breastfeeding. This could also cause other problems later in life, so she's having a frenulectomy next Wednesday (that little thing that holds her tongue to her mouth just needs to be snipped a little - very minor, 10 min. procedure). I've been pumping and feeding her by bottle; we're praying she'll do well and latch on after the procedure. We had to supplement with a little formula, but we're getting to the point where we don't have to so much.

Everything else is going very well. She's a very strong baby! We think she's going to be like Ryan. She already holds her head up for a long time before she gets tired. Last night during her tummy time Ryan rolled her onto her tummy and she rolled onto her back on her own. I just cherish every moment with her and am so thankful that God has given her to us. She is such a blessing.

Ryan is still working things out with TSA; hopefully he will get the call very soon that he's hired on. So far, when that happens, he's planning on working there and at his current job (TSA starts out as part-time only). The insurance benefits start right away, so we still have some time. Now that Zooey is actually here, I cannot imagine being anywhere but at home with her.

Time to feed a hungry baby... :)

Labor of Love

Sigh. Our baby is home. She is perfect. She is beautiful. She is so sweet. We love her more than anything and are amazed by her. Here is a picture of our beautiful Zooey:

If you would like to see more pictures, please e-mail me. Because the blog is very public, we have chosen to use a password-protected website to share our little munchkin with the world.

Now, for those of you who have been wondering about the labor story, here it is. My water broke on Sunday at 3:00 pm. That was a weird experience! Ryan kept asking if I was sure, and I honestly wasn't at first, but within about thirty minutes it was. I called my doctor, who was on vacation, and the on-call doc said I should definitely come to the hospital to be checked and admitted. Once there, they confirmed my water broke and hooked me up. Although I was having contractions, at this point they were pretty irregular, every 5-6 minutes, and I couldn't really tell I was having them unless I looked at the monitor. Ryan & I went on several walks to try to get the labor to progress on it's own, but when the doctor came in at 11:00 to check me, I was still only 3 cm dilated and (he said) 70% effaced. At that point, he started me on pitocin, because if your water breaks, they really want the baby out within 12 hours, 18 at the latest to reduce the risk of infection to the baby. I rested until 4:00, he checked me again...and...still at 3 cm! He left the room saying if I was having a problem with the pain I could get IV drugs, but at that point I figured it would still take a while to 5 or 6 cm which is when I wanted to start the epidural. I called Ryan over to come sit with me, since I was super tired, and about 5 minutes after the doctor left, I started having strong contractions that lasted about 60 seconds about every minute (or less) apart. I couldn't take the pain and got some IV drugs and finally got the epidural. Sweet relief! 45 minutes after he checked me, I was at 8 cm! I and rested until 7:00 when I was fully effaced and at 10cm then I "labored down" and took a nap. At 8:00 the on-call doctor from my OB's office arrived, and it was time to push. We ended up letting Sarah & my mom in the room for the delivery, which wasn't part of our birth plan, but I'm happy they could both be there for Zooey's arrival. At 10:31, I pushed Zooey out pretty fast - the doctor said that process normally takes another 10 minutes; Ryan says when I said I was done, I really meant it. :)

When people say you can't comprehend the love you have for your child, I never really "got it." I thought I understood that concept, but I now realize even five days after her birth that that is a concept you cannot fully grasp until one has children. I look at our beautiful, perfect, sweet, amazing daughter, and my heart overflows with emotion. I would do anything for her. I sit here in awe at this gift that has been entrusted to us, and I am humbled and thankful and feel blessed beyond belief. Welcome to the world, our beautiful little girl!

Zooey Olivia was born today at 10:31am weighing 8 lbs. 2 oz. & measuring 20 inches long. Pictures to follow. We are SO in love; she is beautiful!

My dr.'s office just called. I will be induced on 10/12 if I don't go into labor on my own. Less than 2 weeks! Within 10 days we will have our little girl.

Today at the doctor

Nothing really happened. I'm still 3cm dilated, 80% effaced, baby is now at +1 station (lower) and she stripped my membranes again. I'm scheduled next week for any appointment if I don't deliver, they'll do a biophysical profile. They'll give me an ultrasound and do some fetal monitoring. I guess my doctor's office doesn't let you go past 40 weeks unless everything is perfect with the amniotic fluid and the baby, so if anything's off, they'll induce next week. If everything's still perfect, they will wait one more week and induce at 41 weeks. So, I guess the good news in all of this is that, no matter what, our baby will be here in 2 weeks! I had also really been freaking out earlier in the week, because there is a horrible virus/cold thing going around my work; about half my office has it. I talked to her about it, asked her what she thought and after her saying I really don't want to get sick this close to labor and that women in labor with this type of bug have a harder time pushing because of their congestion, I decided to ask for my leave note. I am officially on maternity leave tomorrow. Please continue to pray for supernatural health protection for me and Ryan; according to the news, this thing is hitting us pretty hard here.

I got my assistant all set up in my office for the duration of my leave, as someone else will be using her desk. It was weird. I haven't told them yet that I probably won't be back, because for one, Ryan is not yet hired on at TSA and second, we need the health insurance (which pretty much falls into reason #1). I am consistently praying that God will work out the job/insurance situation, so I will be able to stay home with the baby. It is so hard not to have magical powers to be able to look in the future and control whatever we want! However, I do trust the Lord for His best in my family's life, and I need to let go and calm down. Oh, and try to enjoy the last bit of relaxation I have while I'm off, right? :)