Ahhh...bargaining...

...always the stage of grief that doesn't usually stick around long for me. I was sitting there doing my BSF lesson last night, thinking of how much the notes applied to my life and my mom's life right now during this season of suffering, when all of the sudden I was struck with the pangs of grief. Depression hit me. I don't want my mom to die. That thought is SO scary to me. What would I do without her in my life? It would be so hard to go through life without her. When you think about it, if you have good parents who are a sweet blessing to you like I do, they've always been with you. I mean, literally, they are the people who have always been in your life. As soon as that thought entered my head, I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't believe my mom is going to die from cancer. But of course, whenever you try to stop a thought it lingers even more than before, so a part of me voiced to God, "God, if you let her live, I will be a witness to your name for healing her." That's where I stopped, asked for forgiveness and submitted to God's will once again. I can't do anything if that's God's will, and God certainly doesn't need me to glorify Him. But there it is. Bargaining.