It's a Sad Sad Sad Sad World

The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.

I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.

This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.

I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?

The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11

The Silence Of God

Concerned But Not Without Hope

My mom had her PET scan review with Dr. B (the oncologist) on Wednesday. The news is not so great. She apparently has a large pleurel effusion in her left lung lining, where the lobe they removed would be. She also has a mass showing metabolic activity and some new lymph node activity, including some in her neck. Dr. B & Dr. N (the pulmonologist) both feel that it is highly unlikely that these things alone and in combination are a result of the sarcoids, and they feel that it is a sign of cancer.

She had blood work yesterday, and today she had the procedure done to drain the fluid in her lung. They said the fluid was yellow, which apparently is a good color if there has to be fluid. She has to just kind of take it easy and not lift anything heavy for about a week. She will meet with Dr. B next Wednesday to discuss the results. Dr. B considers her lung cancer non-smoker's cancer and will test her past tumor (and if it's cancer this time) to verify what type of cancer it is. If it is the type that is related to a gene, there are two pills she can take daily, giving her approximately 18 mos. - 2 yrs. of life. If it is the other type of cancer, Dr. B estimates she has 3-8 mos. left, maybe more because my mom is young and in pretty good shape. In this case, they will offer her pallative care and a type of more mild chemo ("not a toxic kind" my mom said) and switch it once it stops working.

This news is so devastating to me. I don't understand why it's happening. It hurts so much, and of course the waiting is so hard. I feel like God has prepared me for this, whatever may come, though, through my study of Isaiah this year. Throughout the book He promises Christ's return and the hope we have that we will someday be with Him and our loved ones again. His compassion is so evident to His people throughout the chapters. God keeps bringing the truths and lessons to my mind as I pray and seek Him. From the notes last week: "God's purposes in discipline of His people are always change, reunion with Him, and restoration. Not all 'attacks' or stuggles are brought on by God in response to sin, but He uses hardships to make His own children resilient and focused in faith." (italics mine) There has been an ongoing theme that He has placed on my heart: Go to God first. Go to God no matter what the circumstance. The circumstance may not change, you may not understand, but go to Him who never changes and is in perfect control to offer you perfect peace. Go to the One who gave His life for you, so that you can experience His merciful compassion. Everything and everyone else offers a false sense of security; go to Him with your anxiety and your troubles. He doesn't change. He is JUST, He is FAIR when life isn't. He is ALWAYS there. These are the lessons I'm holding onto, because honestly, there's nothing else I can do. I'm praying so hard that He will heal her, that the cancer's not there, but I'm praying equally hard that if that's not His will that He will draw me closer to Him, help me to minister to my family and that He will hold each of us, especially my mom, so close that we can feel Him.

God has been so faithful to point things out to me when I open my Bible. Just this morning, when doing my lesson, I read "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." This is the promise that believers in Christ have to look forward to. Even when death is feared, there is hope in Christ.

We are in the full swing of the Christmas season. In eight days, we will be sitting around a dinner table with family and friends and opening gifts. Many of us will go to church, some of us may only go this one night a year. Will you take a moment this year to ponder what exactly it is you're celebrating? God Himself came to earth, put skin on and walked among us. He willingly stepped out of the perfection of Heaven in his Glory and placed Himself in this life - this life where there's so much pain, sorrow, suffering, all because of our sin - and then He willingly took a beating and died a gruesome death that we all deserve to die, so that each person who chose Him might be free. Free from sin, free to really live, free to have hope & peace in the midst of fear and pain. When we celebrate Christmas, we are celebrating the beginning of Jesus' life on earth, the miracle of God becoming Man, so that He could become the only Perfect sacrifice for you and for me. I pray that your Christmas is filled with His rich blessings, peace and Hope.

14 months

Well, Zooey's 14th month of life has come and gone, and as always I am amazed at how fast time flies and how much she changes in just a single month. We got to visit Ryan's family up in CO for five days, and while we were there we watched some video of Zooey when she was 7 weeks, 7 months and some that was taken throughout the week. She has grown so much! Sometimes when I look at her newborn pictures it's hard to believe that she's the same baby. Zooey is a very smart girl. She understands "no" and will usually stop doing what it is when we tell her not to. We put up our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, and from the first moment she looked at it and we told her "no touch" she hasn't tried to touch it one single time. She looks at it in awe and wonder, but she knows the rules. :) Every morning I sit with Zooey in her room while she has her milk & our "snuggle time," then I ask her if she wants to read her Bible. She looks at it and starts smiling and bouncing with excitement. I personally believe that children are much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, & I believe that Jesus shows Himself to these little ones. When I tell Zooey "Jesus loves you, Zooey," I usually get smiles and giggles in reply. It's so amazing and a huge privilege to be able to teach my sweet girl about Jesus and His love for her. I did a quick Starbucks run today and was telling Zooey the Christmas story as we drove; I was overcome by emotion that He entrusted me to raise her up in Him and that He cares SO incredibly much for her that He thought of her before she was even conceived...that He put on skin to live and die for her so that she can live eternally. I pray that God will use her mightily for His purpose.

Zooey loves:

-Banana

-Exploring new places (gym, church nursery); at the gym they call her "Miss Independent" and say she leaves a little trail of destruction in her conquest of the room. :)

-To feed herself table foods

-To snuggle before naps (I love this, too!)

Zooey dislikes:

-She still doesn't like naps or getting changed/dressed

Zooey now:

-has taken a couple steps on her own but still needs to work up her confidence level to walk :)

-signs "more"

-stands independently for longer periods of time

-Her hair's getting so long and pretty!

13 months

Zooey is definitely becoming a toddler! Although she can't walk, or "toddle," around yet, she is into everything she can get her hands on. While we've taken more of a boundary-type approach to babyproofing things that are off limits, we've started to babyproof some things that could seriously injure her. I know this will probably change soon, but at the moment Zooey usually listens to our voice when we tell her "no" or "do not touch." She is definitely starting to express her displeasure with having something taken away from her or us moving her from where she is playing when we need to. She also throws mini-fits when she's being changed and during bathtime. I think she doesn't want to sit still and she doesn't like having that control taken away from her. She is definitely a strong-willed child, just like her dad. :) ::ahem - and her mom, too::

My living room is even more filled with toys and books than it used to be, but that's ok, because it's so fun watching her explore. One of her favorite things to do right now is to take a bunch of books down and push her favorite one around the floor or hide it under the rug.

As I said before, Zooey can't walk on her own, yet, but she really enjoys pushing her dinosaur that RaRa & Uncle Rey gave her for her birthday. She's also begining to stand on her own; I don't have any pic's of that, but she can do it for about 30 seconds max right now. She's cruising more and more, and I know it'll be just about any day before she starts walking.

Zooey has become very interested in animals. She loves our animals, but she's also really begun to notice animals on TV, and her favorite books are the ones with animals. She especially loves a book about kittens, and she gets very upset if I take that one away or put it down after reading it to her. I'm so thankful we got such a gentle dog, because his poor ears are a new obsession of Zooey's. Zooey's still taking two naps a day, which I love; the girl loves her sleep.

Zooey just had her 12 month well-check last week. We were a little late due to a number of factors and being out of town, but she looks great. She's a little one, but so are her mom & dad, and the doctor said she looks great. She weighed 19.2 lbs. and is 27 3/4 in. long. Zooey also weaned herself after an ear infection, which was a bit of a surprise and bittersweet, but I'm glad she's the one who did it. That was actually an answer to prayer.

I love my girl so much, and it's incredibly fun to see her learning and exploring new things every day. I know by the end of this year she won't look like a little baby anymore, and she'll be walking and talking more; she'll be a little "kid." I cherish every day with her, and my heart just overflows with love every time I look at her.

Zooey likes:

books

Raffy the giraffe, her new addition to her crib

finger foods, especially turkey

pointing

wiggling her feet when I wiggle mine

blocks

pushing walking toys

Zooey doesn't like:

getting changed

bathtime

getting her teeth brushed

Zooey is 1 year old today!

Although I can't believe it, my baby is now one year old. She still seems like such a baby to me. I think that's why moms continue to say their baby's age in months: they're in denial that their baby's not "technically considered" a baby anymore. Ryan and I agreed we're not calling Zooey a toddler until she's walking, and maybe not even then. :)

Zooey's party was a lot of fun. We had family and friends over to the house, and the weather's been so beautiful here that we were able to have the party out back. She got a lot of nice toys and some adorable clothes that I'm really looking to put her in now that the weather's cooling down. It was just such a blessing to be able to celebrate her sweet life with everyone. She didn't get too upset when Ryan or I weren't around, and she seemed to enjoy herself quite a bit. Zooey doesn't really like touching certain textures, so I was pretty sure she wouldn't dig into her cake like I've seen some babies do. She didn't dig in, but she kind of fingerpainted and sucked on her fingers, and, of course, Daddy spoiled her and hand-fed her some cake, too. She really did enjoy the icing.

Zooey hasn't had her 12 month check-up yet, so I'm not exactly sure of how much she weighs and how tall she is.

Zooey likes:

yogurt & applesauce (now when she sees the containers she tries to lunge out of her chair and squeals)

graham crackers

Daddy - she is such a daddy's girl that sometimes she screams when we walk away from him just to go to the other room

stacking cups

books

shaped blocks

her Leap Frog table

her seahorse - she turns it on then rubs her tummy to self-soothe (Aw! Cutest thing!)

animals

most of the time, she likes bathtime again

Zooey dislikes:

diaper changes...getting dressed

Zooey now:

pulls herself to standing

is starting to "cruise"

can say dog, cat, all done (or "all-duh") and "ga" which means "more" to her

can sign all done

has one molar in

points all the time at things and can point when we ask her where something is

gives her daddy "five" when he tells her to

waves when we say the words hi or bye

A friend of mine asked how I've changed as a mom over the last year. I thought that was a good question to blog about. I think the biggest change has been my view of God's love for us. I now have a glimpse of the love He has for us as His children that I didn't truly get before. It has increased my trust in Him immensely. Also, everyone told me to cherish the time with Zooey because of how fast it goes. I didn't get that before she came. I do now. I want to take as many pictures, get as many snuggles, kiss as many cheeks and soak up every belly laugh I can. I truly understand now why the Bible says that children are a gift from God. Zooey is such a sweet, amazing, precious gift and a blessing to our family. I also knew I was going to pray for Zooey, but I had no idea how fervently I would pray for her. How God's best for her is my ultimate concern. I petition Him for new ways to pray for her, and I pray for her all the time. This love is immense, and I hope when she grows she will know how much love I have for her.

Zooey is 11 months old today!

Ok, you know you're in serious denial about your baby entering their 12th month when you keep saying, "I need to take her 5 month pictures today!" Wow. I don't know where that came from, other than pure denial.

Ohmygoodness my baby is going to be a year old next month! Crazy! It seems like she is becoming such a big girl these days.

Zooey likes:

our animals

blocks

stuffed animals - she now talks to them and strokes them

going on runs with me and looking around (she squeals in delight at all she sees)

balls - she's started to copy daddy and drops and attempts to roll the balls

stacking or measuring cups

"reading" books

applesauce

Zooey hates:

bathtime, for some reason...I'm hoping it's just a phase

...and lotion and PJ time, too :(

waiting for her food, which she protests with a very high pitched whine

Zooey can now:

sit up from her tummy

crawl

stand while holding onto something

mimic me & Ryan: actions, some words (all done, bye bye)

say DaDa

Cute stuff:

She started babbling all the time.

She talks to her seahorse when she wakes up.

She crinkles her nose and bounces when she gets really excited.

She musses her hair if I try to smooth it.

She gets a kick out herself and starts laughing, usually when she gets a toy or in her playpen.

Whenever one of the animals come in the room, she goes, "AAAAAAHHHH!!!!" and pumps her arms and kicks her legs in excitement.

She shakes her head "no" all the time, though I know she doesn't know what it means.

She waves "hi" and "bye" to almost everyone.

She throws herself at me or Ryan when one of us has been away from her, even for an hour (I treasure this, because I know 13 years will go fast, and then I'll get an eye roll and a grunt. :) )

I'm sure I'm forgetting about a thousand things I wish I could capture and remember, but these are the things that really stand out to me. A quote comes to my head a lot; I'm unsure of the source, but it's "Motherhood is wearing your heart outside of your body." It's so true. I look at Zooey, and she is my heart. I want so much for her; I want the best for her. Having a child has really deepened my faith in that way; I can see now that as a Father, God truly does want His best for us.

Zooey is such a sweet girl, and everyone who meets her says that. She's just full of smiles for everyone, even if it takes her a bit to warm up to them. She's so much fun, and every morning when I go in to get her, I am filled with joy at her sweet, smiling face.

Remission

My mom had a PET scan about 2 weeks ago, and she met with her oncologist on Wednesday to go over the results. The doctor said the scans look as good as she'd like to see them, and she'd consider my mom in remission. Praise God! This is just such an awesome blessing. Here is a copy of the update she wanted sent out:

"I went to see my oncologist today to get the results of my PET scan. She was very happy and said the results were very good! The mass is the lung is almost completely resolved. She said there was no cancer in the lung. I do have some pleural thickening in the lower left lobe. We have already discussed this and I can feel it, so that was no surprise. The lymph nodes are still enlarged and calcified and is most likely due to the sarcoidosis.She said I was given the best treatment for my condition and she is very optimistic given my unusual situation. Then she told me that I was in remission. Yay! I am very happy with this report and I praise God for helping me each and every step along this difficult road. I will return for another PET scan in four months. My life is on God's hands. I just want to live each day in a way that pleases Him and to enjoy His many blessings; many that I have taken for granted.Thanks again for your prayers!"

This was just such awesome news to get. I am so incredibly happy and am giving thanks to God for this blessing.

Lolli Beans Giveaway on babywisemom

Oh my goodness! I am so excited about this giveaway - probably more excited than any other giveaway I've tried to win before. Lolli Beans is giving a way a $100.00 gift card over on www.babywisemom.com. Lolli Beans (http://lollibeans.com/) has some adorable clothing and tons of organic baby items. Here's hoping to winning! Check it out: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/08/product-review-lolli-beans-organics.html.

Zooey is 10 months old today!

Although I have enjoyed every minute with Zooey, and I definitely have my favorites, I think this past month has been my favorite month overall. Zooey's really beginning to develop a personality, and it's so much fun to watch. When I go in to get her up in the morning or from a nap, she now flips immediately onto her tummy and pops her head up to smile at me. She will babble nonstop from her highchair while I'm cooking dinner - to me, to the cats, to the dog, to Ryan. Zooey has this "scrunchy" smile she smiles that's just like mine. She says "mmmmm" while she's eating (although I know she doesn't know what "mmmmm" means, it's still cute). She has always been a very alert baby, but now more than ever she takes everything in and loves to examine the intricate details of things (like the bangs on her little plush doll or the fibers of the carpet). She is shy when we first walk into a room where others are; she does this cute thing where she smiles at them but then turns her head into my shoulder being bashful, but then she's all smiles and usually doesn't cry if I have to leave her. She laughs and laughs at who knows what, but it's so fun to see her getting a kick out of something. She likes to interact with other children, likes to touch their faces and copy them playing with the toys in the nursery. Zooey loves playing airplane with Ryan; the other day I caught the sweetest sight of them in her room - him holding her up in the air and her squealing with delight. There are so many other little things she does that I just find so fun and adorable! Even though I don't really think it's cute when she whines and persists when she's impatient or we take something away from her, I like that she's becoming more aware and learning more everyday, that she's becoming her own little person. Once again, all I can say is I am blessed and honored to be her mom.

Zooey likes:

touch & feel books

sleeping on her tummy or in the corner of her crib

faces: especially grabbing eyelashes and trying to shove her whole hand in our mouths

the digital clock on the microwave

her car mirror

fish

Zooey dislikes:

sunscreen application

to be burped, changed, dressed, etc. (but this could also be because she's in a leap again)

Zooey's new skills:

turns pages in books

scoots...rolls all over

really improved with the sippy cup!

says "mama" all the time (my personal favorite :) )

is thisclose to pushing herself up to sitting from her tummy and to crawling

Zooey had her 9 month checkup a little late, about 2 weeks ago. She weighed 17.8 lbs. and is 26" tall! Tonight I put her in 12 month pj's, and they're a little big but will definitely fit soon. I can't believe it!

Only two more months until my baby's one year old. Wow. This time with her is so amazing.

What's normal?

Life seems "back to normal" with the Cancer situation. Mom's back at work. She looks healthy, once again. Will things ever really be back to normal though? Will we all be waiting for the call after a scan - the call that says "the cancer's back"? It's extra hard, I think, in Mom's case, because of the sarcoidosis. Stupid things won't ever let them see if they even got it all. They'll be able to do comparison scans with what they've done and will do to see if there are any changes, but since the sarcoids look dark on the scan just like cancer, they'll never really be able to tell if they got it all. Ugh. It's scary. I find myself praying at night, "Please don't let her die, God. Please don't let her die." Of course, I seek God's will for her. Selfishly, though? I just want her here. I cannot imagine it. I don't let my mind go there. I read the statistics for lung cancer funding, and it makes me sick. Things like "The underfunding of lung cancer has kept its survival rate as low as it was in 1971." " 53% of lung cancer in women is not attributed to smoking." "Lung cancer is the leading cause of all cancer deaths for both men and women, accounting for 30% of all cancer deaths." I don't really know what the point of this post was...to vent, maybe? To ask for your prayers? Probably. I just continue to pray that it's gone and that we will never see it again.

Zooey is 9 months old today!

How fast nine months goes! In 9 months, I went from this:

(14 weeks pregnant)

to this:



and got this sweet girl:


who now, 9 months later, looks like this:

::"Memories" plays softly in the background::
:)

Pretty amazing at how time flies.

Zooey's new skills include:

pulling herself to standing

fine-tuning her pincer grasp and becoming a pro at finger foods

I don't know if this is really a skill...but she throws herself forward like she wants to crawl then squirms around on her tummy before getting real irritated and rolling over. If it's not a new skill, it's still pretty cute! She also hoists herself over our legs on her tummy.

says "boo" when she sees her books; "ba" when she sees or is playing with a ball; "mama" when she gets really upset - and looks right at me and reaches

Zooey LOVES:

books

standing, holding onto our fingers

baths in the big tub

yogurt melts

cheese

independent playtime

grabbing necklaces

our new dog Tiny

tickles

a big red bouncy ball

animals

Zooey hates:

diaper changes

...not much else. She's pretty easygoing.

Time with Zooey is so sweet. Sometimes I think about how, when you're going through something really hard, that time seems to drag on forever. It's awful. You feel like you'll never pull through it. But when you're going through something wonderful, like motherhood, like enjoying my baby's short, sweet, amazing babyhood, time flies by at a warp speed and you try with all you can to hold onto it. Tonight, I walked into the nursery to take a quick peek at Zooey, fast asleep, before I turned in. I had to catch my breath at how big she is! She was, only nine short months ago, this little tiny peanut in the very middle of her crib, and now her arms stretch and she touches one of the sides. She is so tall in pictures, and when she was propped up next to another baby her age at the park, I was shocked that she was actually taller. It was as if some weird thing in my head wasn't allowing me to see her as that big. :) I peered at her across the room at a party, and I noticed, with pride welling up inside me, her beautiful smile, her happy personality. She's growing into such a little cutie, and it is my privilege to be her mom. Every day brings something new (to both of us!), every day I am humbled, every day I love her more and am astonished at the blessing God has bestowed on us in her. I am so excited to see what the next months hold - crawling, walking, running, talking, playing new games, reading, learning...so much to look forward to.

Did the tri and reached my goal

Last weekend I completed the triathlon. It seems all that freaking out and pre-race neurosis was for nothing, because I beat my overall time (for this race) by 6 minutes! My second goal was to hit my pre-pregnancy goal by race day and I am now under that weight by almost five pounds. It was a lot of fun, and I was reminded of how empowered I feel once I cross the finish line. It's always good to have a fitness goal and acheive it. Doing triathlons remind me that I am strong, and this year I also thought a lot about how I want Zooey to grow up in a healthy, fit household. It was good, too, for me to have something to focus on other than mommyhood. :)

Freeze!

I have to wonder if all mommies have moments where they wish they could stop the clock, scoop their children into an embrace and just hold them there. The last eight and a half months have gone by faster than any other period of time in my life. I look at Zooey and I want to freeze everything about her right now; I don't want to ever forget it. And yet, I know that someday my job as mommy will be as complete as it can be, and she will be grown leaving these brief moments as memories. And I know that every stage will bring more fun, memorable moments along with it. I want to remember...

...the way she smiles and wiggles her whole body in joy when I go in to get her up from sleep
...the way she practically jumps out of my arms to get to Daddy when he gets home
...her fast, excited breathing when she's happy and can barely contain herself
...the way she practices making different sounds in the backseat while we're driving somewhere
...the way she furrows her brow in concentration when she's reaching for her finger foods, or when she falls backwards as if to say "what just happened?"
...how she daintily toys with my necklace then squeals and tries to put it in her mouth
...the way she snuggles on my lap as I read to her
...the weight of her in my arms as she stares outside when she wakes up

There's so much more. I replay these moments in my mind each day before I go to sleep - the sweet blessing she is and how much fun we have together as a family. It is all just so sweet...it leaves me without words.

An adorable giveaway

The Chronicles of a Babywise Mom blog is doing another amazing, cute giveaway. I am hoping to win and crossing my fingers that I do. The stuff is just too cute! Check it out: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/06/product-review-boutique-patterns.html

Zooey is 8 months old today!

I cannot believe that we have but four months until Zooey is a year old. Last year at this time, I was 22 weeks pregnant. Halfway there, looking forward to a week off from work for our last kids-free vacation for a very long time. I remember looking forward to that trip, the time I would get with Ryan alone and wondering how our future trips would be. I've been on two short trips with Zooey, one alone and one with Ryan and his family. There were some areas where it was tougher, but she was also such a blessing; she enhanced the trips. Don't get me wrong, I know Ryan & I will take some much cherished alone trips away from our kids, but I think my perspective is just a little different. I now see that it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I enjoy her so much that I want to spend every minute I can with her. :)

So - Zooey is 8 months old. She weighs about 16 lbs., 6 oz.; I don't know how long she is, because our next check up is next month.

Zooey LOVES:

"where's Zooey?" and "peek-a-boo"

independent playtime

bathtime in the big tub

pulling toys out of a basket and examining each one

books

Daddy. He's like a rockstar in our home.

her jumparoo

her tiny doll that says "I love you"

her bunny that goes with us whenever we go bye-bye

her "Raffy" the giraffe

having her tummy and chin tickled

going for walks and actually stays awake and talks now

when we open the blinds

Zooey dislikes:

being away from Mommy - even in the same room (separation anxiety has started)

strangers

having her arms touched in bathtime, getting lotion on them or getting dressed

waiting to eat

Zooey now:

rubs her hair when she's sleepy or self-soothing - it's cute!

eats some finger foods (more for practice at this point)

stays up about 2 hours at a time, give or take a few minutes

...and as of last week, she sits independently!

The Leap of Categories

My feelings toward leaps are twofold. First, I love that my daughter is learning new skills and that her brain is growing. On the flip side, being the "Type A" that I am ::read: control freak:: I hate what these leaps do to our daily routine. I also don't like the fact that these leaps are seemingly scary and confusing to my baby, who definitely shows it with much fussing instead of being her happy self.

I am obsessed with getting enough love sleep. If I don't get enough sleep, I like to whine to everyone who is around me will take a nap. I am SO happy we have a baby who sleeps 12 hours at night. SO happy! We worked very hard with Baby Wise from Day 1, just like the book talks about, to get her to sleep through the night. That was, in fact, our main goal for picking Baby Wise as a parenting book at first. We now feel that the –Wise books have a lot of "wise" information in them for rearing a tot and plan to read some more of them. Anyway, my point is that I'm glad we worked hard, and I'm glad it worked.

When Zooey goes through a leap, sleep is the last thing she wants to do. Seriously. That and eat. This time, the leap seems to be coinciding with a growth spurt, so the eating thing isn't an issue, but she's been waking up between 5:00-6:00 in the morning and not sleeping well for her naps. At first I thought it was because she had a cold, but it was a short cold that's almost gone, and the early waking is still happening. Throw the fact that she's learned to sit up independently ::Hooray!!:: and we have a completely messed up routine.

So, once again, we're employing CIO. Once again, I must change my perspective to being happy that Zooey's learning a new skill and waiting for about 2 weeks for her to get back to normal. Vent over. This leap is actually kind of exciting! It's called the Leap of Categories. Around week 37, babies begin to comprehend that everything has a category and practicing new skills. This applies to everything they learn about, for example, a spotted horse and a brown horse are both horses or Moto and Snowball are both cats or (most excitingly) Zooey, Mommy and Daddy are all people. The book states that some scientists believe this is the age where real intelligence begins. The world of categories helps baby interact on a new level with the people around her. I'm extra excited that she's sitting now, because good toys for this wonder week are blocks of different shapes and sizes, picture books, stacking toys and toys/household items that are in the same category. We have some of these, and I've been waiting to use them until she could hold herself up and play with it in front of her. It's a lot of fun to see her growing into the little person she will become.

I think it will be interesting when I have another child to look back on these wonder weeks and see if I feel the same way with the next one or if some of the stress will be gone, because I will have two kids to focus on. Time will tell…

Here's a chart of the leaps. I found it on the Wonder Weeks website. I'm not too sure about that super freaky picture in the bottom righthand corner, but nothing I can do about that. http://www.thewonderweeks.com/images/stories/Book/WW_info_chart.pdf

I've been slacking on my blogging...

We will see how long this post is, as I think Zooey's in the process of dropping a nap and I may have to go get her very shortly. Life with a baby = little time to blog. There is so much that's been happening on all the fronts of my happy little blog.

On the "oh my gosh does she really think we care" front, we made the decision this week to eat less meat and try (insert overexaggerated drumroll) tofu! For those that know Ryan, this is a BIG deal. And get this - much of it was his idea! So far, we've tried a lovely little tofu stirfry that I threw together for lunch: tofu cubes sauteed in olive oil and garlic then stir fry in the brocolli, purple onion and red bell pepper seasoned with soy sauce and hot sauce; serve over hot brown rice. Delicious! I also made tofu spaghetti, which tasted like spaghetti sauce. I was in a hurry, but I'll let you know how it goes when I decide to actually make my own sauce. I'm excited about this change and hope it will last, as I know it is much healthier for us. We aren't foregoing meat completely, we just won't be eating it as much as we were. If you have any good bean or tofu recipes (or cookbook referrals), please let me know! My husband will not eat a dish with only veggies - there has to be some source of protein. I promise to share any good recipes I come across, too.

Growing in the importance scale here, Zooey is finally on a four hour routine. For those who follow Baby Wise or the Baby Whisperer type of routine, you know that it is nice to have blocks of 2+ hours when you don't have to be home, so "baby can nap." Plus, with all the nap problems we were having, I'm happy to report that the extended schedule actually helped her daytime sleep (I was sooo scared it would hinder it), and she's getting the rest she needs. She's also extra super happy, even with an impending leap on the way, and I promise to post some uber cute 8 month pic's in :sniff, sniff: a week.

It has been so nice to get out and about this summer. So far we've been to the zoo twice, the aquarium and the botanical gardens. I was thinking this morning how this time of year used to be so exciting, because it meant Ryan & I would be heading on our "anniversary vacation." This year, I'm just excited that Zooey's growing and can do more. Along with her physical growth, her sense of wonder grows by the minute, and it's so fun to watch her get interested in things and figure out the way the world works.

My mom finished her chemo and radiation this week. I know I've been somewhat silent on this topic on my blog, but that is because I had so many raw personal emotions about the subject that I decided to journal elsewhere rather than make it so public. It's been a trying experience for our family to watch her go through this. This past week has been extra hard on her, and she's having a very rough weekend. The sensation of not being able to get comfortable no matter what she tries is driving her crazy. The dr. gave her some med's to help her relax, and we're all praying that they will work quickly. In the midst of this whole thing, God continues to answer our prayers. She hasn't thrown up, not once. She had insurance and financial worries answered this week in a positive way. God has shown us all verses and sent us people to encourage us. My faith has grown and once again I have learned how dependent I must be on Christ and how He is in control - not me. I know some of you read this to learn how she is doing, and I wanted to tell you that her treatment has ended. Please continue to pray for quick recovery and that the treatment got rid of all cancer cells with no return.

And...I'm done with the post and it looks like I may even have time to prepare dinner before she wakes up. So nice!

Zooey is 7 months old today!

I cannot believe it! I know I say this every month, but I just...can't. It amazes me how fast time has gone, how big she is getting. I have a slideshow of pictures as my screen saver, and there's one of her in a sleep sack when she was about 1 month old. I had to roll the sleeves twice to make it fit her little arms. She still wears that sleep sack, and although comfy, she will soon outgrow it. So many times each day I look at her, smell her sweet baby head and kiss her sweet smooshy cheeks and think about how much I love her. Daily I think about how I cannot wait until she walks, about how much fun she will have next year when we visit the zoo or how she'll enjoy different foods, etc., and yet I cherish these moments when she's so small and I can snuggle her up to me.

Zooey now has eight teeth! Her top two middle teeth came through last week. Maybe we'll have a break for awhile?? I've read that if babies teeth early they'll usually get their molars by the time they turn one or shortly after, so the next few months might just bring more teething fun. And, yes, I'm still nursing. Yes, she's bitten a couple of times, but she listens pretty well when I tell her no firmly and won't bite again until the next teeth come in and her mouth hurts. She's getting so close to sitting on her own. We practice several times a day, and she will sit for a couple of seconds then fall over on us. I think she gets frustrated that she can't sit for longer or move around where she wants to go. During her independent play time, she sits in her bumbo chair in her play pen where she takes all her toys out of a basket then throws them down. Sometimes she can't quite bend over far enough to pull out one of her balls, and she gets so frustrated! She'll end up turning herself and getting her leg stuck, so we have to go fix her. It's cute, but I think she'll be happy once she can just sit in there and get what she wants. She also seems really close to rolling from back to front. Ryan & I have to wonder if she doesn't just make the move because she hates being on her tummy so much! She'll flip onto her side but she goes no further. She will make it soon enough. In the past few weeks, Zooey's fallen even more in love with her jumparoo. Her feet really touch, and she just goes crazy jumping up and down and squealing with delight. She also loves books. I open the pages, and she laughs and kicks her legs. She is really starting to look at the pictures and "talks" to them, too. My sweet little girl is in a sleep sack for all her naps now, and she seems to be slowly moving herself to a 4 hour routine; she's done it about three times in the last couple weeks. I've decided not to push her too much, but now that I know she can do it, it gives us a little more freedom to run errands or something without as much worry about getting her down for a nap. The girl loves to sleep, though! It wasn't until I kind of accidentally figured out her waketime can be longer by keeping her up when I was out that I noticed she could do it. She'll go down after about an hour and ten minutes and sleep for a good 2 hours for each nap. She's like her daddy - he likes his sleep, too. :) I'm still making her baby food, and she's tried so many things that she loves. One thing I love about making her food is that there's a lot more variety than the store bought baby food. Her new favorite thing is watermelon. We put it in a fresh food feeder for her, and she sucks all the juice and melon out then begs for more. It's very cute! Zooey has begun to enjoy my runs a little more. She doesn't just immediately conk out and go to sleep anymore; she will stay up longer and look around or look back at me. When Ryan goes on a walk with us, she'll pretty much stare at him the entire time. She loves him so much. He walks into a room, and she smiles, laughs and reaches for him. She gets pretty excited about her grandma & grandpa and Aunt RaRa and Uncle Rey, too. Even more exciting than us boring people though, are the cats. Our cats, Sarah's cats, Grandma's cats, Zooey loves them all. She's started to reach for them, and sometimes in the morning, it's just the motivation she needs to sit up when she sees Snowball. I could go on and on, but these are the highlights that really stand out to me from the last month. She's just so precious.

I feel so blessed to have Zooey and to be a mom. I pray daily that Ryan & I will be a good example to her in all that we do. It's just such a privilege to care for her. God knew what He was doing when He gave parents this amazing, fragile, helpless little baby to help raise into adulthood; the bond we've formed with her even now is so strong, and we want nothing but the best for her. I can't wait to see what each day of every month to come holds.

It's hard not to compare

Isn't it?

You're little, you compare yourself to your sibling...that one probably doesn't go away completely for most people. You compare yourself to your friends - your dad can beat up their dad, your outfits, your boyfriends, your grades, your activities, your bodies. You compare yourself to strangers - their hair, their occupation, their "look," their confidence level. You compare your kids to other kids - why isn't my kid sitting? crawling? standing? walking? We put on a facade of "caring" but in all honesty, all we're really caring about is ourself 96% of the time. But why is it so hard to stop? Why, when God made us all individually unique? Why, when all you have to do is look around at others' beauty and see that God saw so much more than that when He created us? God should inspire confidence! We are, after all, fearfully and wonderfully made. Hoping and praying He will inspire that confidence in me this week, and not just for myself, but for my family as well.

The Four Hour Schedule

Here I was, all wondering whether Zooey would ever move to a 4-hr. schedule, not trying to push it, trying to accept the fact that she might not (which would've been fine), and it looks like she's moving herself. I was reading up on Babywise, which says most babies can move to a 4 hour schedule sometime around 6 months; some babies actually go to one around 4 months. The Baby Whisperer, Tracy Hogg, says that most babies can and should move to a 4-hour schedule around 4 months. Zooey was not one of those babies. I was looking at Hogg's info. online, and she has a schedule in her book, "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems," on page 230 for moving from a 3 hour to a 4 hour schedule. I looked at it and realized that Zooey is indeed moving herself to a 4 hour routine. She long ago dropped her 4th nap, and the current schedule we have is smack-dab in the middle of the transition. Hogg says the change could happen over a period of 15 days, but I think it takes a little longer for some babies. Normally our routine is:

7:30 - wake, nurse, solids
8:40 - nap
10:30 - wake, nurse
11:45 - nap
1:30 - wake, nurse, solids
3:00 - catnap
4:00 - wake, nurse
6:15 - nurse, solids, bath
7:00 - bedtime

The last two days, however, Zooey seems to be stretching it more. Sarah & I took Zooey to the zoo, and she went 4 hours without a feed. She was happy as a clam, except a little tired. That was 2 days ago. Yesterday, she went roughly 4 hours without any pushing on my part, for all of her feeds. Our routine was like this yesterday:

7:15 - wake, nurse, solids
8:30 - put her down, but she didn't want to nap...fell asleep at 10:00
11:00 - wake, nurse, solids
12:00 - she was exhausted from missing most of her first nap and slept 3 hours
3:00 - wake, nurse
4:30 - nap
5:30 - wake, we had some things to do so we tried some puffs while I finished making dinner (she did ok, but I'm still not sure she's 100% ready)
6:00 - nurse, solids, bath
7:00 - bed

...AND, she slept all night to 7:30 this morning. I seriously thought she'd wake hungry in the night, but nope. Now we'll see if it was just a fluke incident from having her schedule thrown off at the zoo or if she's truly moving herself. What she did yesterday is actually the next step in Hogg's move to a 4 hour routine. I wonder if she will move to that, then slowly move to the ultimate goal? Time will tell.

Cherishing my Zooey tonight

How did I get so blessed to have such a sweet little baby, my Zooey? How is it that I was given such a precious gift? I look at her...she is such a source of immense joy for me. She is definitely one of the "perks" of this earthly life. I read a story today about a lady who had her sweet baby early this morning; he passed away this afternoon. I held my sweet Zooey and rocked her as she cried for an hour, completely missing her nap for whatever reason, and I cried. I cried for the poor woman who lost her sweet little boy, and instead of going home from the hospital with her bundle of joy, she will go home and plan his funeral. I cried for the sweet little baby, who although I know received pain meds and was surely on palative care, who I know received an outpouring of love in his sweet life, also knew a life of pain, of labored breathing. I cried tears of thanksgiving and from a cherishing heart for my little Zooey. I took on a whole new perspective of this time. I was thankful for the opportunity to hold her through these tears, thankful for the chance for time with her. That story just broke my heart and made me cherish what I've been given so much more. My prayers are with this sweet family, and my heart breaks for them. I don't understand why God allows what He does. I really don't...soooo many things I don't fully understand. But I can say for certain that He touched my heart and made me think about how fragile life is today and how my life, Zooey's life, Ryan's life are all in His hands. I can only imagine the impact this story made on many others, as well. Maybe He's even pointed someone to Him for the first time. And I know for certain that this sweet little baby is with Jesus now - perfect in form, probably being rocked in His arms, knowing perfect love and perfect peace. And although I don't understand it, what better life is that to have right from the start?

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Do you remember that song from when you were little? I sing it to Zooey before her naps (we used to just do "Jesus Loves Me," but she started to cry the second she heard it and I thought that most inappropriate). :) haha. Anyway, I digress. I sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" then it's "me and you and Daddy," "Grandma and Grandpa," "Aunt RaRa & Uncle Rey..." you get the picture. I was thinking today as I sang what a true, simple statement that is. As my mom began her treatment today, I cried several times throughout the day. I hate to think of her hooked up to poison and the radiation shooting into her body. I hate that she feels fine now, but that the side effects to lead to a hopeful cure can be so rough. I prayed all day that God would minimize those side effects for my sweet mom. And the tune "He's got MY mom" in His hands played over and over and over. I'm so thankful for that sweet children's song to get me through today. John tells us that no one can snatch us out of His hand when we are His. Grateful doesn't begin to express how I feel that nothing - no illness, no disease, no person, nothing - can snatch my mom out of His hand. I can't control her situation, but I'm so glad I have such a big God to entrust her to.

Sunrise

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill

And find that . . .
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

You are sunrise

~Nichole Nordeman

SIX Months!!

I cannot believe Zooey is six months old! I look at pictures of her from when she was a newborn until now, and I can see her little personality come alive in the changes. She is so much fun, and the more I get to know her, the more I love her. She is amazing.

Zooey has five teeth, and another one is working it's way in - oh my! Fun for her when she gets to eat food, not always so fun for the nursing momma. She's still in a little bit of a "leap phase," and I don't think the sunshine period has quite hit, yet, but I'm waiting for it. Meanwhile, I can tell she's working on some new skills. She's really starting to enjoy her jumparoo; she's short (like her mom & dad), but her little toes are finally touching the ground and she manages to hop a little bit now. She really likes the toys on it and you can really see the look of concentration as she examines them, then tries to make them do what they're supposed to do. She also does this with the faucet at bathtime; she stares at the water and loves to try to grab it to no avail. She's talking more and has said "ma-ma," "uh-oh," "da-da," "la-la," "ah-goo" plus many, shrieks, squeals and silly noises. The words are pretty indiscriminate right now, but it's still fun to have a conversation. Zooey's beginning to cry more often when Ryan or I (mostly me) walk away from her, but even when she does, she stops pretty quickly as she becomes distracted. Zooey rolls from tummy to back all the time now - she won't even stay on her tummy if we put her on it! Yesterday, she rolled from her back to her side once, so I know the full turn is coming soon. She's now doing independent playtime twice per day, once for 15 min. and once for 20 min. We've started putting her bumbo chair in her playpen with a basket next to it. She likes to take all the toys out, nom on them with her mouth and throw them to the other side of the pen. It's very cute and just another way we can really see the wheels turning in that little brain. Zooey loves the cats! Whenever she sees one, she squeals and pumps her little arms and legs in excitement. She tries to pet them, but she usually just grabs their hair, so I kind of have to guide those little hands to be gentle. Zooey's also really starting to enjoy her books; she gets excited and talks to them when I read to her, and sometimes when we're done nursing and she sees one, it seems like she's trying to reach for it. She also loves dancing with me or Ryan and when we lift her high in the air for airplane; these two things are always a sure bet for laughter.

I feel a sense of complete, unadulterated pride when I see her doing each new task. To me, she is the smartest, most beautiful baby in the world. Biased, I know, but pure bliss! Being a mom is amazing, and I'm so incredibly thankful that God blessed me not only with Zooey but with this wonderful experience.

Before and Easter

I noticed that I look at pictures of my mom, and I think "before cancer." I then get very sad and think about how much better things were before we had this diagnosis hanging over our heads every minute of every day. I wonder if I will always think this way? I wonder if things will ever feel "normal" again without the gigantic fat elephant invading my brain and every family event and conversation. We were sitting around talking today, and we admitted that we were thinking "what if this is her last Easter?" I realize these thoughts are normal. I realize that as part of grief I will think these things for every major event this year and maybe next year. I realize that the emotion that comes with grief hits the hardest at certain times or seasons. It just sucks. I mean, there's really no better way to say it other than cancer sucks, and I hate it. Oh, and grief sucks, too.

My mom met with Dr. B. this week to discuss her treatment options. As we were informed by Dr. L. after her surgery, her cancer has a final staging of stage 2. Dr. B. explained once again how the sarcoidosis has made her lymph nodes super hard (Dr. L. told her he'd never seen anything like it), so they were unable to take the full lung out which is what they would normally try to do in a situation like hers where cancer was found in these lymph nodes and where some other mass was spotted. In the next three weeks, she is to eat a lot of protein and try to gain some weight. Sometime around April 19th, she will begin radiation treatment five days a week for 7 weeks, and on the first & last 6 days of that she will also undergo chemo. Here is where I stopped typing for a bit to gather my thoughts and emotions. My mom is...scared. I cannot imagine. I myself am scared to see her go through all that pain. Scared to see her ill and weak and unable to eat. I mean, who wants to see their mom - the one who nourished them from birth, the one who painstakingly cared for them when they were sick, the strong one, the one they still call up when they don't feel good or need advice - undergo such treatments? No one I know of. However, I know that the treatment beats not treating it. Stage 2 gives her a statistic of a 50-60% survival rate, which brings us all hope.

I went to a first birthday party yesterday. When the boy's mommy handed him off to someone else, he would start crying and looking for her. She had to reassure him she was there, either by rubbing his back or talking to him gently or holding him. That's how I feel. I feel like a one year old with separation anxiety who clings with all their might to their mommy, except in this case, the one I am clinging to is Jesus. He's the ONLY constant. I don't know what I would do without Him, and as I celebrated Easter this year and thought about all He endured and how He conquered death victoriously and rose from the dead, the thing that touched my heart and my soul the most was that Jesus walked in human flesh, so He gets it. He gets pain. He gets suffering. He gets temptation. And I am thankful beyond words that my Lord put on skin and died for me. Without Him, I would be completely lost; I would be nothing. In this and every situation, I wouldn't know where to turn. He is constant. He is Savior. He is my Comfort and my Friend. Praise be to God for His great sacrifice and the victory He alone could claim.

On another note, Zooey had great fun this Easter. She really likes going to church and being in the nursery; all the workers say she's a great baby and loves to watch the other babies. I bet she's thinking of how fun it will be when she can crawl around! We had a nice brunch at our house with my parents, sisters & their hubbies, my nieces and nephews and Grandma. Here are a couple of cute pic's of Miss Z from today.

Dropping the swaddle...notes for next time

We've decided to drop Zooey's swaddle. She's getting too big for it, and at 6 months I don't really think she needs it developmentally. I bought a couple summer sleep sacks, because it is SO HOT here in the summer, and her room is extra hot. Yesterday was day #1 with her 3rd nap. Today, after talking to a friend, I decided to start just swaddling her lower half (no arms) and move to the sleep sack after she's comfortable with that. Today's been rough. Lots of crying and waking early and more crying. She rubs her eyes and gets mad, I think. It's so weird, because she goes 12 hours at night with no swaddle and has always slept well at night without it (since 2 mos.). I guess she just got used to it during the day. She went down fairly easy for her 3rd nap; we'll see if she sleeps the normal length.

Updated 4.30.10
Zooey was a baby who needed to move slow for dropping the swaddle. We've decided to continue to swaddle her trunk until she can sleep with a blanket. As she grows, we may change to using just a sleep sack. If we do that, we will take the same process we did for dropping the swaddle. It took Zooey 3 weeks to completely drop the swaddle, because I read some good advice to go slow. Zooey had been napping with one arm out for awhile, so week one we did both arms out for her catnap. Week 2, we did her afternoon nap, and week 3 we did all 3 naps. She is sleeping well with no problems. I know some babies can drop it over a couple of days, but Zooey must be like her mommy and not like change. :)

Ahhh...bargaining...

...always the stage of grief that doesn't usually stick around long for me. I was sitting there doing my BSF lesson last night, thinking of how much the notes applied to my life and my mom's life right now during this season of suffering, when all of the sudden I was struck with the pangs of grief. Depression hit me. I don't want my mom to die. That thought is SO scary to me. What would I do without her in my life? It would be so hard to go through life without her. When you think about it, if you have good parents who are a sweet blessing to you like I do, they've always been with you. I mean, literally, they are the people who have always been in your life. As soon as that thought entered my head, I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't believe my mom is going to die from cancer. But of course, whenever you try to stop a thought it lingers even more than before, so a part of me voiced to God, "God, if you let her live, I will be a witness to your name for healing her." That's where I stopped, asked for forgiveness and submitted to God's will once again. I can't do anything if that's God's will, and God certainly doesn't need me to glorify Him. But there it is. Bargaining.

Fish Fillets With Baby Spinach & Balsalmic Vinagerette

Page 283 in the BHG New Cookbook. I was hesitant to make this dish, because Ryan isn't really a vegetable guy. But, even he loved it! It was super fast at 30 minutes from start to finish, really fresh and "spring" tasting and, best of all, it is heart healthy and low fat. I served it with asparagus and baked sweet potato. I would highly recommend this dish if you're looking for something fast, fresh and extremely delicious. The spinach wilted just enough that it still had that fresh, crisp taste to compliment the hot fish and crisp-tender onions and sweet bell pepper. Some might think the asparagus to be too many greens, but I'm a veggie gal myself. It would also have been great with pears on the side.

By the way, I should note that I am not "5-star-ing" myself for my awesome cooking skills when I give a rating to the recipes. :) Ryan and I got this cookbook when we were first married and decided we would try recipes then mark it with a 1-5 rating based on whether or not we liked it or would make it again.

Another Developmental Leap

Does your mind ever get "stuck" in time? Let me explain. Time moves SOOO fast, especially with a baby, and for the last month I've been thinking Zooey was in her 21st week. I know she's actually in her 25th week, but it's like my brain got stuck not wanting to believe she's almost 6 months - 6 months - old! Anyway, a couple of things triggered my brain to actually look at my calendar and see how many weeks she is: she's been waking up at night, around 10:00-11:00, crying, she's been staring into space all the time pondering the universe, she cries when I walk away from her, she hasn't been very hungry with solids or nursing. Well, DUH!, she's smack-dab in the middle of a developmental leap. The 26 week leap is the leap of relationships. The book says that everything babies know about their world will change during this leap (which lasts anywhere from 1-5 weeks, the average being 4, and peaks at week 26 then ends). They learn mommy or daddy can walk away, and as far as baby knows, they've gone to China. They learn that everything has a relationship with something else: things can be inside, on top of, outside, beneath other things. They learn that there is always distance between them and mommy, which can be very frightening. After the leap, they will start showing the new skills they've been learning: physical, emotional, stacking, playing, etc. This leap is a little different in that most babies have another mini-fussy period around week 29 as separation anxiety peaks. After the leap, like always, there will be a "sunny" period between weeks 30-35 when baby will be extra happy and show the progress of learning all the new skills they've picked up. Until the next leap somewhere around week 37.

Knowing about these developmental leaps makes the fussy times with Zooey easier for me. Since I am following a schedule with her and am pretty type A, it could be easy for me to go into a frenzy when the schedule isn't working the way I want it too; however, knowing about the leaps makes me more relaxed. I know she's learning something new, and in this case it can be frightening, so I want to be there for her. I know that as long as I stay as consistent as I can that leaps only last a certain amount of time and soon we'll be able to get back on track. Plus, it is really fun to watch for her new skills and applaud them when they finally show up.

I also know there is another pretty big growth spurt around 6 months, so rather than worrying about my milk supply or if something is wrong, I know I can nurse her at night, put her back down and the growth spurt will end soon enough, as well.

I will admit, when I have to get up at 5am for BSF on Saturday morning, it makes for a rough night when Zooey wakes up twice and I'm up for an hour each time (I don't know how you working mommas do it - props to you!). However, as a dear friend wrote on her blog, and I'm paraphrasing, God uses these sweet, quiet moments to bond me to my little girl, and when I take on that perspective rather than one of irritation about being up in the middle of the night, I am able to cherish the moment, cuddle up to her, talk to God and go back to bed feeling relaxed.

86 days and some minor hyperventilation on my part

Here's my text from Jenni the other day: "88 days until our tri - make sure you workout today :)". Yikes. That is the point I realized that while I can ride the bike trainer for an hour + or do Power 90 or my psycho-aerobics routine for 45 minutes, I cannot run more than 1/2 a mile. Ummm...the run portion of the race is a 5k...after swimming .25 mile and biking 17, so yeah. If I don't get my butt into gear, I'm a lost cause. <> All I can think of is the last time I did the 5430 tri, my first one, I was exhausted by the time the run came, and it was a zillion degrees outside and I walked most of it. I'd like to do a little better this time. I'm going to try one of two things: starting off at a mile today and slowly increasing my mileage, or, if I feel like my ankles/lungs/legs are going to fall off doing that, I'm going to try this couch to 5k in 9 weeks program which will integrate some walking time. http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml I'm not gonna' lie: my problem is pacing myself. I go all gung-ho then wind up out of breath. Running with Zooey in the stroller actually helps that, I think, because I don't wear my iPod and can really focus on my breathing and pace. My plan is to go out with her a few times a week. And pray for motivation.

Inspired by "Julie & Julia"

I saw the movie Julie & Julia when I was up visiting Jenni, and I feel somewhat inspired. I'm not going to set a deadline and be all "I'm going to cook every recipe in this book - one a day" or anything like that; however, I have realized that my dinner routines have become rather blah lately, and I want to change it up. I am a big fan of the Better Homes & Gardens New Cookbook. The recipes almost always taste good (I say almost, because there are things I don't like or Ryan doesn't like - the recipes containing those things are obviously not a hit), the directions are pretty clear-cut and they're pretty easy. The other morning I decided to try making new recipes once or twice a week. At first I almost went back on my decision, because some of the recipes looked kinda' tricky. But I persevered and started with some easy ones.

First, I made "Ham Balls in Barbecue Sauce" on page 353. I bought a smoked ham from the meat department and ground it in my food processor (which on a side note has become my favorite appliance for cooking!). I made my own bread crumbs. True to the book, the prep only took me 20 minutes and really wasn't that hard - even with making the sauce, bread crumbs and grinding the ham. Because of the high altitude and a faulty meat thermometer, the recipe did take longer than 35 minutes; it was closer to 55 minutes, but I think if we had a good thermometer, it would've been more like 45. These meatballs were delicious! Everyone loved them. We will definitely be making these again. The meatballs are about 1/3 cup mixture each, and I think if I made them smaller and made a bit more sauce that this would also be a great potluck recipe. Overall, a 5.

Second, I made "Artichoke-Turkey Casserole" on page 434. The recipe was also pretty easy, and the preptime was accurate at 20 minutes. I substituted canned artichoke for frozen, because I couldn't find it. I steamed a turkey breast for the meat. I forgot the bacon, which may've made this recipe better. The recipe called for 1/2 tsp. thyme; Ryan and I both felt the thyme was overpowering. I will probably try this recipe again and only use 1/8-1/4 tsp. thyme and definitely use the bacon. Overall, a 2.

A quick update...

My mom is home and doing well; she's actually been home since Saturday. It's so nice to see her home! It was very hard to see her in a lot of pain in the hospital, but she is so strong...she amazes me. I don't know if I could deal with all that if I was in her shoes. We meet with the oncologist again on March 31st to get the final staging and figure out when chemo/radiation will begin. I am once again thankful that God has given me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, because it will enable me to care for her and go with her to appointments and stuff. His timing is so perfect. I am also thankful that Ryan gets home by 11:00 or 12:00 most days, so I can leave Zooey with him when I need to. These are all good things.

My anxiety has been really awful lately. Without getting too much into it, I will say that one thing I'm really trying to do is workout more to help. When I was working out 5-6 days a week, I felt pretty good, even when stuff was going on. Now I just have added motivation to get my butt in gear! Thankfully, Jenni is my faithful workout accountability partner...and also reminds me that we have a triathlon in 12 weeks that I just might collapse and drown if I don't do something soon to train. So, I got on the trainer yesterday and went on a walk/jog with Zooey today. It felt really good, and I'm hoping by starting off slowly that I can keep my motivation up.

Update on Mom

Just copying the e-mail I sent out to the e-mail group to update those who read the blog. I will send out more info. when I have some more time, but juggling hospital/baby/hospital time is taking up most of it. Thanks for your prayers! :) Sorry it's late, but this is from yesterday morning.

Thank you once again for your faithful prayers. They continue to be a blessing to us. As you know, my mom had the surgery yesterday to remove the tumor in her lung. To summarize, this surgery entailed removal of half her left lung. The surgeon, Dr. L., came out afterward and explained to us that he was able to remove all the tumor – praise God! In biopsying the lymph nodes that were in the lung lobe’s path (these are a different set of lymph nodes that the ones that were biopsied a few weeks ago), he found one of the lymph nodes was positive for cancer. He took out about some other samples which they freeze for four days then biopsy (apparently something can show up in that time period which does not always show up immediately). There was also another mass in her lung. He could not tell whether or not this was a satellite tumor or something else, because my mom’s lymph nodes were “rock hard,” which he assumes is due to the sarcoidosis. These lymph nodes are attached to the pulmonary artery. Because of these two things, he was not able to take out the rest of the lung; it was just too risky. He even called the oncologist, Dr. Bauman, but both doctors agreed that not messing with it was the best course of action for now. My mom will now have to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Until we meet with the oncologist, we are assuming this puts the final staging at stage 2, as Dr. B. explained to us last week. Both doctors said how strong my mom is and they agree that she will tackle the chemo well and that the chemo and radiation will wipe out the cancer.

My mom was pretty groggy last night when we got to see her, but she is in recovery. She is doing well with her “breathing exercises,” and even when I was there, she continued to improve on them. She will be in the hospital for 3-4 days; Dr. L. said it will most likely be 4 days. She is in some pain and is a little disheartened with the news that there is more cancer, as we all are; however, we know that God is in control and that He “works all things together for the good of those who love Him,” even this. He is a big God, and He is the Great Physician – we know that since we are seeking Him, He is ultimately the one in charge of her treatment and her prognosis. He is so good to answer our prayers for successful removal of the tumor, keeping my mom well prior to and safe during the surgery and for giving our family peace. We would appreciate your continued prayers for the following:

Protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family.
Quick healing and recovery for my mom from the surgery and minimal pain.
Quick progression of treatment when she is healed, wisdom for the doctors, effective chemo and radiation which removes all traces of cancer & that the cancer would not spread.

Thank you for your prayers.

May God bless you and keep you; may His face shine upon you.

Jesus IS Alive!

The Lord really gave me the words for this e-mail I sent out to family and friends regarding my mom's cancer update, so I'm just going to post it here. It best describes what has happened this week. The oncologist visit was on Wednesday the 3rd.

'My mom met with her oncologist today, and my dad, Sarah & I once again went with her. I am so happy to say that the brain MRI was negative for cancer (but, of course – positive for a brain :) ). This puts my mom’s cancer at stage 1. From the beginning of this journey, my whole family has seen God’s hand at work. I know some of you might be saying to yourself, “How can you say you see God’s hand at work in something as awful as your mom having cancer?” First of all, because we totally trust my mom’s life to the Lord. Every breath she has is a gift from Him, and He will cause the breath that is to be her last to escape from her – there is nothing any of us can do about that. Second, there are many small details that have shown us His sovereignty through all of this. I told you before that she wouldn’t have even gone to the doctor herself for this cough; the only reason she went to the doctor was to get established and just happened to mention this cough she has. I myself go to the same doctor and saw her about 2 weeks ago; she said she was sorry to hear about my mom. She said her gut was telling her not to do a chest X-ray, but “something” (I will add that we know it was Someone) told her to do it anyway. I will not bore you with repeating the tests that then took place; however, I will say that every single doctor involved in this process has commented – multiple times – at how fast this process has taken place for her. Apparently, the speed at which her appointments and treatment options have been presented to her is quite unusual. That, my friends, has been a huge answer to prayer. The thoracic surgeon told my mom that he would be praying throughout the lymph node biopsy that there would be no cancer. How sweet is that?! Today, at the oncology appointment, God literally took my breath away. Dr. B. walked into the room saying, “Congratulations.” My mom has a condition called sarcoidosis in her lymph nodes. It’s a type of autoimmune disease that can lay dormant for many years. This condition can, apparently, flare up sometimes when someone gets cancer. Sarcoidosis is most likely what was causing my mom’s cough – not the tumor. And, if she hadn’t been coughing, she wouldn’t have mentioned any health problems to the doctor, and the cancer would not have been detected as soon as it was. Dr. Buaman then said that the last time she met with my mom that she was very confident (unfortunately confident) that my mom had cancer in her lymph nodes and that it was stage 3 cancer. She said that although she’s been “fooled before,” it’s only happened one other time before. She said this is something that is “talked about a lot” in cancer education, but that it happens less than 1% of the time. God is so good. All the time, He is good. Please do not misunderstand me; if the results had been different, if she had stage 3 cancer, I fully believe that God has still been revealing Himself to us throughout this process. He is teaching us that He is the Great Physician; He is in control; He can do the impossible; He gives us strength. Just today, my mom said she picked out a necklace awhile ago and never knew how much she would cling to the verse inscribed on it: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” This is what God is teaching us – that in the midst of trial, suffering, tribulation, fear and uncertainty, HE IS HERE.

My mom goes in for her surgery to have 1/3 of the left lower lobe of her lung removed on Monday. The doctor is also going to remove the lymph nodes in the pathway of the lobe. Once the surgery is complete, Dr. B. (the oncologist) will look at the tumor and the nodes under a microscope to first determine if there is any microscopic cancer in the nodes and, depending on those results, give the cancer a final staging. If there was microscopic cancer in these lymph nodes, the final staging would be stage 2, and at that point she would need some chemotherapy. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayer for the following:

- Wisdom, steady hands for the doctor performing the surgery on Monday; peace for my mom, quick recovery and minimal pain.
- The surgery to remove all traces of cancer and God would continue to prevent it from spreading.
- Final staging of stage 1.
- Continued protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family."