23 months

It's hard to believe that next month I will be typing the words, "Zooey is 2!" Wow, how time flies. This past month was so much fun, as is every month with Zooey. She is growing so fast, and as you can see from the pictures, she's truly a little girl now; no baby remains. It's a little bittersweet, but this age is awesome! Even though we have to work through our share of tantrums, I love how Zooey explores, learns, plays and interacts at this age. She is such a joy to watch and play with.

We started doing some learning time at home this month. Zooey's been learning a different letter, color, shape and number each week, as well as a new Scripture verse, passage of Scripture and a story from her children's Bible. It is fun to see the confidence she shows when she learns something new, for example, last week she learned the letter "B," and by the end of the week she could find the letter "B" on the fridge. Last week's Bible verse was John 1:3, "God created all things," and by the end of the week, she'd point at the verse and say, "God." She also loves her Bible, and is now pointing to it and naming it by name - so awesome to see God working in her little life! She is a very smart little girl.

I weighed Zooey at home, and she weighs 25 lbs. She's now in some 2T clothes, but mostly 24 month clothes, still, because she's short like her mommy & daddy. Zooey is very curious (& very stubborn) and will take our finger or hand when she wants to check something out, or if we tell her no (she things if we do it, it's ok :) ). She's starting to say more words more frequently, like "eat," "diaper," "potty," "good job," "Grandpa," and "baby." Speaking of potty, we haven't started potty-training, yet, but you'll probably see a post on that pretty soon. Zooey's getting very close to being potty ready. The last thing I'm kind of waiting on is for her to tell me when she's about to go. Zooey also loves, loves, loves babies! She's very curious about them, and she wants to touch them. She loves her baby doll that RaRa got her, and she likes to take it almost everywhere we go. Zooey also loves to color. We had to talk about not coloring on the walls or the fridge this month, but this girl loves coloring! It's an activity where we both win, because Mommy can get a couple things done while Zooey colors, and she would do it all day, probably, if I let her. Zooey has really started to like bouncing toys, like the zebra at the gym and the turtle at home that she climbs on and bounces up and down on. She continues to like books, but she's in a phase where she wants to "read" herself, so we don't get to read together for too long these days. Zooey takes everything in, good and bad, and she has started to become our little mimics. She wants to brush her hair, cook and put on makeup like Mommy. She follows Daddy all over the house and tries to copy what he's doing, like the dishes. She's also starting to try to mimic words, and if I'm frustrated about something, she'll raise her little voice to the same tone and level as mine. It's been kind of a wake up call, because I don't raise my voice very often, but seeing how she wants to be just like the adults around her has caused me to constantly think about what I'm going to say or do before I do it, which I should already be doing as a Christian. :)

Mothering Zooey continues to be my biggest responsibility and greatest joy. As I heard someone say this past week, it's the hardest job I'll ever love. That's so true, and it's so amazing of God to give me such a sweet little blessing.

One Month

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I dreamt we were sitting in my living room having coffee and just talking about life. In my dream I knew she was dead, and as the conversation progressed, she started writing things down, so I'd remember them. Then all of the sudden, I was telling her I was so happy to have had this visit with her and when would she be back. She said she had to go, and she was gone. The dream was so real, so vivid...it felt like I was just having a normal moment with my mom, one of those moments I miss so much lately. It's so hard to put into words the emotions that I've been experiencing. I guess that's because words like "missing" and "sad" or don't come close. There truly are no words to describe one's own personal journey with grief, so we just try to come as close to possible in our explanation in hopes that we can purge a little bit of those emotions out of ourselves. I woke up and went to my "Thirty Days of Grief Prayers" brochure that my counselor gave me and copied down the prayer for today, "Today I feel weak, Lord. I know if I push away my weakness, I push you away as well. If I let myself feel my weakness, You are near with Your strength and Your comfort. Help me to trust." This prayer really summed it up for me. I awoke wishing I could push the memory of my dream and the emotions that came with waking far away and never think about them again. The thoughts and feelings that I was having, although painful, are something that God can use to draw me closer to Him. The painful stuff is stuff that He uses; He never wastes it, but He uses it to make me more beautiful before Him and to bring me closer to glory. I am so thankful that He keeps drawing me close, that He keeps whispering to me to trust Him and to lean on Him instead of my way of doing things. Without Him, I am nothing.

The "New" Normal

The funeral is over, visiting family members have gone home, the flowers have died, the urn has been picked up and sits at my dad's; so now what? Now we must begin what my friend termed the "new normal." The big events take us to a new normal, don't they? Births, weddings, divorces (for some of us), deaths...all these things leave us with a life, good or bad, that's different than it used to be. The thing I think I am finally beginning to realize after facing each of these big events is that there is One consistent: God.

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stand forever." Isaiah 40:8

God never fails to provide physically, spiritually & emotionally for His children. Although He blesses us immensely with relationships, food, shelter, clothing and all our other needs, it is clear that when we accept Christ as our Savior, we are blessed beyond measure with a treasure that never tarnishes or wastes away...even though all the things and people He gives us are amazing, we can be comforted to know that even if they are all taken away, He HIMSELF is what we were made for.

"And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, & your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom & these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions & give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near & no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:29-34

God never changes; His Word never changes. Because of this, all His character traits can be counted upon all the time. He is always Fair, Just, Compassionate, our Defender, Comforter, Redeemer, Long-Suffering, All-Knowing, Shepherd, Good, Love.

As a person who hates change takes awhile to adjust to change, this is a HUGE comfort to me. I am trying to adjust to a "new normal," getting back into my daily routine and doing little things like going to the gym, having a consistent time of day to have my quiet time with the Lord, cooking dinner, etc. All these things actually bring comfort to me, too, because I am a person who finds comfort in routine and stress relief in exercise. But the greatest comfort of all is that I can open up my Bible and bow my head to the King of Kings who's intimate enough to hold me close and to know that if all the other stuff and people change in an instant, He remains.

You Remain, Jennifer Knapp

Though I am poor and needy

My Shelter You'll be

Not by my merit lead me

To where You say

Waste my time on lover's quarrels

Speed my breath and hope to stumble

Out of my distrain and still

You Remain

My Wall my Mighty Tower

Be my Shadow come cover me

Till all my enemies cower

Jealous of my King

Though the day be laced with trouble

Be the stone o'er which i stumble

Straight into the arms and stay

Where You Remain

They said to me i would fall by the wayside

Answer me now

Answer me now

The fatherless we may be weary

Be our Peace and do not tarry

Wait we will for Your Joy

Be my Portion promised me, O Lord

May I be forever

Where You Remain

You remain

Where You...

Where You remain

One Step at a Time

I've noticed through reading about others' journeys of grief that once "the event" has occured (be it death, divorce, betrayal, whatever), people start counting. One week, one month, first Christmas without them, their first birthday they're gone. On Saturday night, I thought a lot about how it was one week since she'd been gone, since I'd sat by her bedside and talked to her. I know that this process usually goes on pretty consistently for the first year, maybe two, then it's the bigger anniversaries that trigger it.

I hate that it's been over a week since I've seen her, talked to her, kissed her. I am beyond grateful that she's no longer in pain and with Jesus, and that does bring joy to my heart, but it's still very difficult. I feel cheated sometimes, which makes me feel angry. There are so many people who get to spend time with their parents and have them be a part of their lives for years, until they themselves are old and gray. I think of my own mom who had her mom beside her through raising children, and I don't get to have that. The fact of the matter is, if you're a woman and you're close to your mom, you just want her there - when you're sick, when you're happy and want someone to share in that happiness, when you're a mom-at-the-end-of-your-rope, when you're sad...there are so many moments that I'll face over the years that I know I'm going to wish she's here. One step at a time, right? This is one of those things I am sure I probably won't get to fully understand this side of heaven.

Today is my dad's birthday. He seemed ok earlier when I saw him, but I wonder how he feels today, deep down? My parents always did a silly card & a serious/sweet card for their birthdays. It breaks my heart he won't get that this year, not from the love of his life, anyway. They were so cute together!

Little things to love

~Zooey grabbing my hand to pull me anywhere

~Zooey taking all the alphabet magnets off the fridge & stacking them on the chairs - and running around the kitchen in circles, laughing hysterically

~Zooey trying to grab RaRa's hand to pull her to the restaurant's kitchen this morning at breakfast and telling the waitress all about how hungry she was

~Sleepy toddler snuggles

~Sleepy cat snuggles

~Strawberry Mentos

~"Carried Away" by B&B Works

~A quiet moment alone just to surf the Net

~Sneaking in to cover Zooey and still smelling her J&J Bedtime Lotion~bliss!

~That she slept until 9:00...so did I!

~A giant hug from the hub when he got home

Contentment

As I was doing my Bible study today, I got to a question about God's faithful servant Job. The book said, "Though Job was a very wealthy man, God allowed Satan to strip him of everything - people and possessions like - to prove Job's devotion to God. Despite utter devastation, Job remained faithful and was fully restored. List the people & earthly possessions you most treasure. Put yourself in Job's shoes. If you were stripped of all these people & possessions, could you, would you still praise God. Explain your answer." (Live Deeply, Lenya Heitzig, p. 191). I listed the people most important, followed by some possessions and got to the second question. My heart clenched at the thought of losing anyone else close to me, let alone all of them. My response was I hope I would still praise God, because He holds my life in His hands and shed His blood to save me. I pray He always gives me the faith I need. The study then listed the following verses and asked the reader to journal a pryaer to learn to be content whatever the circumstances.

"...For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, an I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11b-13

Contentment by definition is "the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind." For some reason, when I think of being content, I think of a moment of bliss...a moment on a beach with your eyes closed, my baby asleep on my chest after a wonderful family day, opening my eyes after a good night's sleep. I don't automatically think of being content in a time of stress, grief, or even as Paul mentions, being hungry (um, have you ever seen me when I am hungry?!). I think the key to the Phil. passage is verse 13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Contentment in Christ is more than a "feeling." It is the satisfaction and ease of mind that come from knowing Christ, from knowing that at the end of time He is still in control and has His best in mind for me. It's knowing that even things hurt right this minute, He's holding my hand to accompany me out of the valley to the other side of the pain. It's knowing I don't have to be strong, because His strength is more than enough.

I am so thankful, as always, for God's perfect timing of my study today. As I entered into my time with Him today, I began by reading a brochure I got at the church the other day called "Losing Your Mom." I cried as I read through the many levels of grief that the loss of a mother can entail: loss of unconditional love, loss of family connector, loss of protection, loss of nurtering touch, loss of what we've taken for granted, loss of the person "whose story provides the beginning of our own, whose sense of self greatly impacts who we are." I have been thinking a lot the last few days how things just don't seem normal (duh!) and how things just really aren't the same when the whole family's gathered but she's not there. I have been feeling lonely in my grief, even amongst the people who have gathered lovingly around. It is so good of God to remind me that He's here; all I have to do is look up, and even though I feel sad, I have the hope of Glory, the true source of contentment.