Something just doesn't feel right. That's how I feel a lot of the time, just that sense that something is off. Then I'll realize it's because my mom isn't here anymore. I can't explain it other than that...I wonder, sometimes, is there something wrong with me, because I don't cry as much as I thought I would be - as I think I should be? I think it's just that things hurt, and it never seems like a good time to let it all pour out. Sometimes it's a random beautiful, joyful moment that makes me almost pick up the phone, and I don't want to let the sadness overcome the joy, so I let it go for that time. Sometimes it's just that I'm too busy, or I'm driving...or something...and I can't cry right then. Other times, it's because I'm in the middle of a prayer, and oh, I still ask God "Why?" a lot, but I just want to go to sleep. Sounds a lot like denial now that I'm typing it out. I'm told by my counselor that I'll go through grief and think I'm done, then I'll probably have a big bout of depression, then I'll reach final acceptance. Tomorrow at 10:31am, my sweet girl turns 2. Wow, I don't think I even realized until right this moment how much it hurts that my mom isn't here. I mean, there were some moments at her birthday party, and of course I've been thinking about it, but it just hit me how much it hurts. When Zooey was born, my mom left the room to let me and Ryan have some time with her, but before she did, she leaned down and gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "You did so good. I'm so proud of you!" I miss her. I missed talking with her about what I was planning for the party and how when I asked Zooey how old she was going to be, she holds up her hand saying "4," because she can't quite do "2." I'm dreading the holidays this year, because I know Zooey's birthday is just the first of many firsts that I have to go through, and they are all going to hurt. How can it be almost 2 months? How is that possible? It's so weird, because it seems like yesterday and forever at the same time.