Tennyson is 11 months!

I may refuse to believe that my baby boy is going to be one next month, but that doesn't change the fact that he is. :( Bittersweet!

Tennyson now:
- Weighs 22.5 lbs. as of last week
- Crawls pretty fast
- Pushes a walking-push toy. The way Tennyson does this is so funny and cute, because he doesn't just push and walk along with it. He uses his massive baby upper body strength (he takes after Ryan!) to push the toy out, hold the toy, then kind of drag his legs forward. It's comical yet adorable.
- Got another tooth, one of his lower lateral incisors, and as of today the other one is popping through
- Is beginning to use more jargon, especially when Zooey's talking or there's lots of conversation at a meal.
- Says "ba" for "ball," "kuh" for "cat," "give"
- Tries to sign "mother" and "father," but he just ends up hitting the side of his face. LOL
- Is trying to say "RaRa" and "Gideon"
- Knows what a lion, fish and duck say and tries to make the sound when asked...well, when he feels like it
- I think I forgot to mention last month that he pulls up all the time now. He sometimes cries in his crib when his teeth are hurting and looks at the door crying "Mama." Poor baby. That is just pitiful! That's also pretty much the only time he says "Mama."
- Takes 2 naps a day, sometimes only 1, but doesn't get TOO cranky and makes up for it by sleeping 13 hours at night.
- Tries to crawl off the bed and jump out of the shopping cart at the store. This is one of those areas I feel like he's different because he's a boy - Zooey never did this! One warning of "Danger" was enough for her.

Tennyson loves:
- Animals
- Books
- Balls
- Cars
- Following Zooey around and "talking" to her
- Nursing
- Gideon
- RaRa
- Swinging
- Beans
- Bathtime

Tennyson dislikes:
- Having his nose suctioned. I forgot how traumatizing their screams are.
- Having his face wiped.
- He still dislikes it when I leave the room...even to just run to the bathroom really quick.

This month Tennyson got in the toilet water after Zooey went pee and didn't flush. OH.MY.GOSH. I flipped out! I still don't know if he ate it. I'm believing he didn't, even though it's probably more likely that he did.

Tennyson was in a wonder week leap for most of this month, so he was a little cranky and clingy many days. I took to wearing the Moby wrap again just to get dinner made sometimes. :) Honestly, even though it was a little annoying, I didn't mind too much like I did with Zooey. I guess it's something about knowing he's my last one. The last few days of the month, he was out of the leap, and OH MY was he a happy baby! He was cracking himself and everyone else up! He was laughing and giggling at everything and everyone. I love it!!

I seriously fall more in love with this boy every day. He is such a sweet little guy. He is so laid back and not touchy at all...except about his feet and his face. Zooey can play with him and be what sometimes seems too rough, and he just laughs and laughs. He is a little flirt who loves to make bashful faces and crinkly faces at the ladies. He is kind of a mama's boy (and you know what? I kind of like it. :) ). I nurse him often, I'm more laid back about his routine. I know it will have to end, but I take pictures (I WISH I would've done that with her!!). I cherish my time more in the here and now with him, and I don't try to rush him through his milestones. I try to carry that lesson onto watching Zooey, too...I don't want to rush them. It's already going way too fast. I love watching Zooey and his relationship and how they both crack each other up and find so much joy in one another. Zooey watches out for him a lot and defends him to us. She'll say, "He wants you to hold him! Hold him!" or "Stop! He doesn't like that!" Tennyson likes to reach for Zooey's hand and hold it in the car. He tries to share his food with her. It's really so sweet.

I am praying for Tennyson to become a man among men who uses his life and his talents to serve the Lord. I pray that Zooey and he have a close, godly bond that carries through to adulthood. I pray that he will be a strong spiritual leader. I pray for his purity and his future wife, if that's God's will. I pray for him to be a man after God's own heart.

with his new lovey

A little clingy this month through the wonder week and teeth

First visit to the children's museum

Doesn't he look like he's plotting something devious?

Who needs toys when you have a box?

Sleepy, sick, teething boy. Love these snuggles, but hate that he doesn't feel good.

Lovin' the water!

Overalls

Popping up to say hello and take a break from trying to match all Zooey's tooth marks in the crib.

Love

Fun in the sand...and then he ate a fistful!

Exploring

Seriously, I wish I could've bought this hat, because it was the most adorable thing on him EVER.

Post-bath snuggly towel

Tennyson is 10 months old!

Here's an update on my little but not-so-little peanut. I feel like time is going so much faster with him!

Tennyson now:
- Points, sometimes with a finger and sometimes with his whole hand
- Army crawled up until the day before he turned 10 months, when he began crawling on his knees.
- Got 2 more upper teeth, his central incisors.
- Says: Dada for Daddy, Zaza for Zooey (Seriously. I even thought it was a fluke until Zooey's speech therapist heard him. He loves her that much!) and Da for dog.

Tennyson loves:
- He's become even more of a Daddy's little guy this month. When Ryan gets home, they play a little game where they wave "hi" to each other all through dinner, and Tennyson just loves it.
- Snowball, our cat. Snowball does not love Tennyson.
- Crawling after Zooey and sitting by her/stealing her toys/laughing at her.

Tennyson dislikes:
- I honestly can't think of much he resisted much this month, except he really doesn't enjoy being fed much. He likes to self-feed, even purees...we give him pouches.

Leap Moodiness...

...and LITERALLY 2 seconds later!

Tennyson is 9 months!

Whoa! Whoaaaa I am BEHIND. I better catch up, or I'll never catch up, and considering this is my
"baby book" at the moment, I need to keep up. Good thing I keep notes on my phone. I've also noticed I take a lot more pictures and videos these days, because I have a smart phone. What did we ever do before? Anyway, here's a glimpse of what Tennyson was up to in his 9th month of life.

Tennyson now:
- Weighs 21.5 lbs. and is 28.5 inches long (at his 9 month check up)
- Claps
- Waves "bye bye"
- Waves "hello"
- Pulls to standing occasionally; the first time was in his crib when he was playing.
- Signs "more" and "all done"
- Has 2 more teeth...his upper lateral incisors, which is a little unique!
- Imitates sounds "da" for dog and "ba" for ball
- Screams! He loves to hear his voice and play with it!
- Tennyson went on his first trip this month to visit Nana and Papa in Colorado. He did great and warmed up quickly to everyone, despite his 9 month bout with separation anxiety. The car ride home was a little rough, but that's because the first of those two new teeth were coming in. He is a very easy going and flexible baby.
- Gets on his hands and knees and rocks

Tennyson loves:
- Zooey! This has got to be my favorite part of being a mom to two - the way they interact and light up at each other's presence. This is probably preparation for the days when I want to lock them in separate dungeons due to the amount of fighting that will someday ensue.
- Dogs. He loves animals, period, but especially dogs.
- Mommy. We have hit separation anxiety.
- Balls
- Table foods. He always wants to eat what we're eating and often gets mad if we don't give him some.
- Water play. We had swim lessons this month, and even when it was cold, he loved getting in the water. He would kick his little feet and babble and laugh. He also enjoyed the spray park. He would get surprised and gasp when the water sprayed him then giggle.

Tennyson dislikes:
- Mommy leaving the room :)

Big Boy in his 12 month PJ's

"You talkin to me?!"

First day of swim lessons

Zooey's such a good helper, and he just adores her!



Trying to crawl

Look who's 8 months old!

Ok, so I say it every month, and I'll say it again: I cannot believe that time goes so quick with kids! Tennyson is eight months old. Here's what he's up to these days:

Tennyson loves:
- Daddy. When Ryan is home, Ryan is all that Tennyson looks at.
- Spitting. He likes to blow raspberries while he's eating and nursing. We're working on more appropriate times to do this. :)
- Finger foods. He loves and eats pretty much anything I put down in front of him, but of course his favorites are yogurt melts. When he eats finger foods, he starts talking like crazy! He loudly babbles and squeals and is pretty serious about his food, gauged by his little expression.
- Zooey. These two crack each other up! I love it! Right now their favorite games include shaking their heads at each other and Zooey putting her head on his tummy, which he finds hilarious.
- Gideon. Every time he sees him he tries to hold his hand or "go to him." Gideon's not always so sure. :) Tennyson loves to watch Gideon crawl. I think he's trying to figure it out.
- Of course, RaRa. :) He has really grown in his love for her and started to reach for her when we're together.
- Baths. He has started to squeal and bounce when I start the water and protest when it's time to get out.
- Being outside, especially touching trees and flowers.
- Balls
- Books, especially holding books.
- Music

Tennyson dislikes:
- He's at that stage he's starting to get really honked off when it's time to get dressed or undressed.
- Waiting for food. :)
- When you try to take a book away to read it. LOL, I have to give him a separate book to hold while I read another one.

Tennyson is now:
- Standing assisted
- Babbling and beginning to use some jargon
- Signing "more"
- Banging objects together
- Sometimes copying sounds and actions
- He definitely understands many words, especially names of family.
- Drinks from a straw sippy cup, thanks to a tip someone gave my sister that some breastfed babies won't do a normal sippy but will drink from a straw.

Tennyson is a very good baby. I think I've said before that he is very "chill" just like his daddy. He goes with the flow and is usually happy about it. I took him with me to Sharing Day at BSF, and even he only slept about 20 minutes out of the five hours he was awake, he was still pretty happy by the time we got home. He's a great sleeper. He lets Zooey poke and prod and hug and tickle him, and most of the time just giggles at it. He isn't yet to the stage where he gets super fussy when I set him down and leave him, and although he had a brief bout with some separation anxiety earlier this month, he got over it quickly, especially if Zooey's in the room with him. We started independent play more consistently, and he doesn't cry but happily plays and talks until it's time to come out. He's super happy and loves to be around the family. He is a little flirt and loves to ham it up with all the ladies we come into contact with at BSF, speech, school and stores. He just grins and bashfully turns his head away only to give another sweet smile. I sure love my little man and am so thankful God blessed our family with him.

My Heart, My Zooey

My mom used to cry on the first and last days of school. She used to joke when we were older that she cried tears of joy on the first day that she got a break, and on the last day that her break was over. :) Haha!

I get it now. I cried on Zooey's first day of school. I cried this morning, on her last day of school. I digitally flipped through pictures of her through the school year and saved one from each month. I watched in a span of minutes how her little face changed over the last ten months, how much taller she's gotten, how much more her hair looks like "big girl hair." I look at her artwork from August, which is mostly scribbles, to her artwork today, where she scribbles her name at the bottom and carefully constructs a tapestry of color and little tadpole people with hair, eyes, a smile and a story. I listen to my girl who was, at the beginning of the year, saying, "Me love you" and who is now reciting from memory all the nursery rhymes she's learned this year and singing Amazing Grace and songs from her end of the year school program. She has grown and changed so much physically! But she has also changed in every other way. She's come out of her shell with her peers, grown a sense of humor and a greater sense of her own identity. She has grown spiritually and more in love with Jesus. She has become more particular, or maybe just more verbal about the things she is particular about. She asks lots of questions in her quest for knowledge. She knows the alphabet and numbers, she has grown in her creativity and shows a huge interest in words and reading.

As I watched her walk into class today in classic Zooey-style, without looking back and only looking forward to the fun of the day, I watched my heart go into that class and was reminded that we're one day closer to the day she leaves my arms and my nest. This year was another that I am treasuring up in my heart and today was another sweet reminder from God of the gift He has given me in this sweet girl that I get to treasure every single day. Thank You Jesus for this school, for this year and for my sweet little Zooey.

Postpartum Anxiety/OCD

I have wanted to write about this topic for a long time, but I never really felt led to do so. I have prayed about it often the last six months and finally feel led to share my story.

I would say about half of the moms I know struggle with some sort of postpartum mood disorder. I am one of the ones who struggles with it. It really wasn't a surprise to me that I had PPA/OCD, considering I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder when I don't have massive crazy postpartum hormones to deal with. What was surprising to me, however, was that PPA/OCD is different from my GAD and even panic disorder. What also surprised me was my reaction to it.

I went to therapy in the past for a long time to get a handle on something that I unknowingly suffered from for most of my life (I have vivid memories of having anxiety/OCD even at the age of five or six). I pretty much graduated from therapy and was doing much better. After Zooey was born, my anxiety really kicked up, but I thought it was due more to my mom getting cancer. I thought that my concerns about my new baby daughter were "normal" and "rational": the way I would go in and lay my hand on her chest at least once during every nap and in the middle of the night, how hyper-vigilant I became about germs or how I worried she was going to die from something that happens to all kids like falling and hitting her head, for example. I wish I knew then what I know now, that PPA is not always seen by the state I was in after I had Tennyson, but that it is often seen as constant worrying and rumination about your baby and/or your baby's health and safety. I started an SSRI around the time my mom had surgery, but it was not a good fit for me and created a manic response in my body. That was the first time I had scary and intrusive thoughts about harming my baby. I stopped the SSRI, and the intrusive thoughts stopped, but my incessant, unhealthy level of worrying about Zooey did not. My experience with that drug left me vary wary about trying anything else, until my mom was about to die and I literally could not take the constant state of panic I was in. I prayed very hard, and so did my Bible study sisters, that I would find a good fit, and thankfully I did. I felt like a new person! I stayed on the med and was in the process of weaning when I got pregnant with Tennyson, which is when I stopped it altogether. An interesting thing about my anxiety is that when I was pregnant with both my children, I felt amazing - I had almost no anxiety! That proves to me how big a role hormones play in my anxiety.

After Tennyson was born, I knew I needed to pray for protection against postpartum anxiety/depression, so I did, and I also asked a lot of people to pray with me. While I had some rough moments in the beginning (as most moms do), things seemed to be going ok. Four months postpartum, at the return of my first period, I had what I not-so-lovingly refer to as my breakdown. Intrusive thoughts started to creep into my mind. I had scary thoughts start to creep in about a week before this. Scary thoughts about both my children; they were just random, "What-if" thoughts that I won't share in detail so as not to trigger anyone who might read this who may be having those thoughts. Thank God that I had gone back to therapy after the first SSRI didn't work well for me, and I talked to my therapist about the couple ITs I had, because that kept me at least a little sane. I knew from therapy that everyone has intrusive thoughts and that my anxiety about it actually shows I would never hurt my children. Not only did my PPA/OCD hit, I had some major life stressors hit, too. All this combined was just enough to put me over the edge in a case of constant worrying, rumination, obsessive thinking and panic. I am also so thankful that God had earlier in the year prepared me spiritually for this valley season. He let me know through the study of Matthew that He is always by my side and never leaves me when the storms hit. That's for another post, though. :) He did so much! Clinging to Him is honestly what got me through. So, here's where the part that surprised me comes in: my reaction. I began ruminating and worrying about the thoughts and what was wrong with me that I was having these thoughts. I could not stop worrying about the next thought. I obsessed and to top it off, my hormones were sending my body into constant panic attacks and hot flashes. I told Ryan I just wanted to go to the hospital; I thought I was going crazy. When I started having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself (not the URGE to hurt myself or a PLAN, mind you, just scary thoughts, like it would be better if I wasn't here and "what if I ____"), I knew it was definitely time to get help. I had a bottle of my SSRI that was prescribed by my OB after the birth "just in case" that I began taking. Sometimes when you begin an SSRI to treat anxiety, it is normal for your anxiety to worsen for a bit before it gets better, which happened to me. But, I held on and after having my dose adjusted, I finally began to feel better. I also went to a couple of therapy sessions to brush up on some panic attack coping skills.

I still have rough moments, like the last week or so. I have had another stressor hit that got me worked up and kind of started the cycle again. Once again, thank God, because He had me stumble upon a book that I started two days ago and am almost done with, called Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood by Karen Kleimen and Amy Wenzel. This book has really helped me process what is happening and reassured me that I am not going crazy nor am I the only woman who is going through this. In fact, it's estimated that 91% of women postpartum and 88% of new fathers have scary thoughts. It's just that women who have PPA tend to obsess and ruminate on the thoughts, because they are distressed by them. As the book says, "The factor that determines whether a thought is troublesome or not is not the content, but rather the individual's level of distress and meaning attached to the thought." (Loc 345 of 3849). It is repeated again and again the same truth I learned in therapy after Zooey was born: "Women who are concerned about the scary thoughts they are having do not hurt their babies." (Loc 596 of 3849). "The anxiety that accompanies scary thoughts speaks volumes. Mothers who worry about the thoughts they are having, no matter how big and bad, are demonstrating anxiety that provides valuable diagnostic treatment." (Loc 597 of 3849). I could go on about the ways this book has helped me - and I'm not even finished yet - but that would take up too much time. The book also lists some unhealthy ways to approach the thoughts, one of which was denial and thought suppression, both of which I was trying to do. It is more healthy (although it sounds counterintuitive!) to face the thought head on and address it and to empower yourself to move on from the thought. As we all know, it's human nature to do the thing or think on the things we're told not to, so this makes sense.

I have started telling myself, "That was a scary thought. I am not my thoughts. Nothing bad is happening." I am returning to therapy and of course continuing my medication (which, as a side note to anyone reading this who may be concerned about breastfeeding and taking a medication, many SSRI's are labeled Lactation Risk 2 out of L1-L5, and Thomas Hale has done much research to prove that most do not cause any infant side effects).

I wanted to share this story, because as I mentioned earlier, about half of the moms I know personally struggle with scary thoughts and either PPA/PPD. These are the women who actually talk about it. I know some who were too scared to say anything for fear someone might take their kids. I actually thought that with Zooey! However, more and more research is being done in this field and showing physicians how common it is. PPD/PPA/OCD can occur anytime within the first year after childbirth, not just the first month or so. I just want to encourage someone - you - that you do not have to go through this alone. It is scary, yes. But, it is fairly common, and there is help.

March

First, the most exciting news: Zooey accepted Jesus into her heart this month! March 10 before bed, we were reading about the Lord's Supper, when Zooey asked if Jesus lived in her heart. After explaining that we have to ask Jesus in our hearts to forgive us of our sins, she prayed, "Dear Jesus, please come live in my heart! Amen." I asked her if she knew why Jesus died, and she answered, "For my sins!" It was such a privilege to be there with her for this moment. She was so excited and keeps talking about how Jesus lives in her heart.

- Zooey sleep-walked once this month. She was totally exhausted and was coming down with a fever. It was so weird! She came out to the living room, looked around, then laid down right there and fell asleep again. She never woke up when I took her back to bed.
- She said, "I'm going to marry Daddy. We will take a trip to the hospital and a babysitter will watch you and Daddy for five nights. Then I will bring five babies home."
- My sweet girl ran onto the playground at BSF and saw me there with my class. She ran up to me, and yelled, "I wanna see my mommy!!" It's these moments that just warm the cockles of my heart. :)
- My dad had to go to the hospital this month. Zooey was very concerned about him. She prayed for him every night and told me, "I wanna go see Grandpa at the hospital. I am really really worried about Grandpa." She has such a sweet, loving heart.
- For about a week this month, she came into my room when her bunny clock woke up and sang me, "Good Morning God" to wake me up.

Zooey has been working so hard at her speech and OT, and I can tell she's making huge strides. I got to help at the teddy bear picnic at her school, and her focus and attention were great! Her SLPs say she is doing awesome. She gets frustrated sometimes at the drills, but she will now take a deep breath all by herself and then continue trying. If something's not working for her, she'll often tell the object to obey her. It's pretty funny. :)

She was so cute at the teddy bear picnic. She was excited to find the bears and loved going on the little scavenger hunt. I love the wonder and curiosity of this age. Zooey loves getting caught up in imaginative games and stories. She will play with her dolls for a very long time, just making up little stories.

Zooey loves Tennyson and her sweet little cousin Gideon. She is always concerned when they cry and wants to know why they are crying. She tries to help them feel better by telling them, "It's ok. Don't cry!" and she'll give them a hug. Such a loving little girl.



She loved roller skating so much, we're thinking about doing lessons this summer.

Getting ready for the teddy bear picnic

Going on a bear hunt

Found her bear at last!