25 months

Cute stuff:
-She takes her socks off for naps and bed, because she doesn't like to sleep with socks on.
-When she gets excited, she runs in place; this is also how she dances.
-She thinks it's super funny to have her underarms tickled.
-She loves the leaves that are falling and picks them up everywhere! This is often a challenge in parking lots, but most of the time it's cute to see her squeal with joy at every new leaf she comes across.
-When we ask her what a dog or cat says, she sticks out her tongue and tries to "lick" like a dog or cat would when they're drinking water. She also tries to pant for a dog.
-She's getting more social and curious about the other kids we hang out with. She likes to give them hugs and often watches them playing or tries to play "with" them.

New Stuff/Big girl!
-Zooey can now climb on one of the couches without a stool.
-She has two of her 2-year molars (the bottom ones), and I didn't even know she had them until I got a peek inside her mouth two weeks ago!
-She's enjoying more "imagination play," like caring for her dollies and stuffed animals.
-She's enjoying TV a little more and enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba and is starting to get into Sesame Street.
-It seems like she's trying to form more words; her babbling is more complex, and it sounds like she's saying sentences, although we don't know what they mean. :)
-I've taken Zooey to the aquarium and zoo a couple of times in the last month, and she's really interested in the animals now. Before she would kind of look more at the exhibits or the bushes, but now she tries to find the animals I'm pointing to and she smiles when she sees them. On the same note, she's starting to sit still at the library (yay!) for most of the time we're there. She is also beginning to try to do the movements to songs we learn there or on her kid's CD's.

I've decided to add a short bit about new stuff we've added or changes in regards to our routine (notes for next time...):
-Because we've been trying to read to her more to increase her language, but she won't sit still, I've added "story time" 20 minutes before her bath. Most nights she sits still for this, and as a plus, it seems to help her wind down a little more, too.
-Zooey never really slowed down too much on her food in her 2nd year, but it seems like she's starting to slow down. The last two weeks she hasn't eaten as much as has been "normal" for her in the past.

Zooey is a such a source of joy! Even if I was working right now outside the home, I think I'd find it very hard to get motivated some days to get up, get out of bed and get moving. I think I'd want to lay in bed and wallow in my grief. As it is now, I am usually filled with joy and the blessing of caring for her every day. This is another way I marvel at God, His gifts and His perfect timing. Because I have Zooey, this little person fully depending on me to get her diaper changed, get her fed, love on her, etc. I have such a purpose in my daily life that cannot be ignored, yet it is more than obligation - she gives me so much joy, even on the tough days with temper tantrums and non-stop boundary-pushing. If you know Zooey, you know she is a very sweet, loving little girl. She is certainly independent, but she loves to come up and rest her head on you for a quick snuggle or give us a little kiss. She is generally obedient most of the time (I hear the three's are killer!), and she is my little "buddy;" I love hanging out with her and just watching her grow into her own little self. I'm just so thankful for her!

watching TV & eating breakfast

Steelers vs. Cowboys :) 

I wish I could hear my mom's voice. I read a note from her today, and I could almost hear her saying the words. I'm scared I will forget her voice. I wish I could give her a big hug and breathe in her smell...that smell of fresh laundry, a hint of perfume, clinique makeup and "clean." I'm scared I will forget this, too. I remember her tucking me into bed when I was little, leaning over and giving me a kiss. I remember her smell and her saying "I love you." I remember her coming in my room in the morning to wake me up as I got older and singing "Good morning, good morning, good morning; it's time to rise & shine," and whipping the blinds open, letting the sun hit me in the face, then yanking my covers off me. (I'm not a morning person.) At the time that really made me mad, now it makes me smile. I remember her leading me to the Lord on my bedroom floor, holding my hands. I remember her stroking my hand with her thumb while she held it tightly in the car, while I watched raindrops slide down the windshield on the way to the mall one time. I remember her conspiring in the kitchen with me & Sarah, making my dad a cup of hot water and telling him it was coffee, because he told her that she made coffee too weak and it tasted like hot water. I remember when she was pregnant with Sarah, how I got to feel kicks as my mom lay on the couch, she held my hand against her belly. I remember going to see Sarah in the hospital and my mom looked so tired....but she still gave me a tight hug. I remember she used to let me & Sarah have "slumber parties" with her on some nights when my dad was out of town at the auction; I loved snuggling up with them in her bed. I remember laying my head on her lap on the couch at night while we watched TV, and she'd play with my hair. She used to do my hair for drill team and ROTC. She did my hair and makeup for almost every school dance, she helped me pick out a dress and she took lots of pictures. I used to call her every week after church or about my BSF lesson and talk to her about it. I miss her input; she was so wise. I loved my mom's laugh. It was contagious, full of joy, she really enjoyed humor. I remember even in the end, when I lay with her in bed, she still smelled like her. She whispered, "I love you." I know this post was a bunch of rambling, but I have to hold onto these memories. I have to be able to go back & reread them when I can't think of anything but the illness making her weaker. Otherwise, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel afraid that I won't remember anything good.

What's so hard, what's sometimes hardest of all, and if you're close to your mom, you'll get this - I wish I could call her and talk to her about my feelings. I wish I could tell her how crushed I am that, how the grief overwhelms me sometimes and leaves me feeling so sad and alone in the pain. She was my mom. She always knew just what to say or do...sometimes it was just an "I know," or "I love you." Sometimes she'd send me a card or call me the next morning to make sure I was ok after I faced heartbreak. When I went through my divorce, when I was crushed and betrayed, she drove up to CO to see me the very next day after it happened. She held me; that was enough. A mom is a mom, you know? No one and nothing can quite comfort you the same way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to everyone, but that loss of having her to talk to hurts so much. It wasn't just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Like when Zooey does her little bouncy dance, or I want to send her a picture text of sleeping Zooey (those were some of her favorites), or when Zooey loved the smarties on Halloween, just like her grandma did...I can tell someone else, but it's just not the same.

I know my posts have been a little "down" lately, but please understand that writing is what helps me through when I feel this way. It helps to get this out...and just like I started this blog to work through all my pregnancy neurosis, I continue to write to work through my emotions. Thank you for running this race alongside me. Facebook is removing the capacity to automatically upload and sync my blog to FB, so if you've been following on FB and would like to continue following the blog, here is the link: http://souledoutgirl.blogspot.com/.

Wrestling with Grief

I feel like the process of grief is something like a mental & emotional wrestling match. One where my brain sees or hears something (a grandma with her grandchildren, a friend mentioning Thanksgiving plans with their mom, me & Sarah needing to do the Christmas shopping for my dad) and then does it's job and tries to process all the thoughts and emotions that go with it. Then I manage to wrestle all that yuckiness back down until it comes pouring out about once a week in a period of depression & tears.

C.S. Lewis wrote of grief in his book A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . . An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . . And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . ."

I relate. I've always been a bit ADD-ish or something, but lately I've been frustrated with my lack of focus and concentration. I've been especially frustrated when I sit down to read my Bible and I re-read the same lines over and over and over...and still have yet to take anything in. I was praying this week about why it's been so hard for me to focus lately. I realized then that it's because of this internal wrestling match, that in the quiet times I probably do need to do a little processing, yet I keep trying to ignore it. Why? Oh, I don't know...probably because like any other human being on the planet, I hate pain. I relate also to what he says about being around others. I want people to "say something about it," and yet, I don't. I want to cry, to have someone hug me and tell me it will all be ok, but I choke all this back inside, because I don't know how to talk about it and just cry around others. I want to share my grief with others, but it is also intensely private.

I know that to move on, though, I must cry. I must face it and stop wrestling with it. So, when I finally do submit to the emotions and the thoughts, I give it to Jesus. I crawl onto His lap and cry. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18.

I kid you not, I seem to face my grief from Friday to Sunday every week. I used to think my "grief attacks" only happened on the weekends as something to oppose the work God has for me to do. I'm beginning to realize, however, that God is allowing me to be in His presence, just where He wants me to be, at my most vulnerable moments. The things He's taught me & the ways He's encouraged me over the last few weekends are a true testament to how personal & intimate He is. Two weeks ago, I was all teary eyed over something silly, like remembering how my mom enjoyed her coffee or something, and I kept asking God, "Do you see? Are you here?" I go to church to hear our pastor say, "God suffers with us. Jesus relates 100%. He loves us. No one understands like He does. God knows grief is great; He can be trusted. In the midst of waiting, we can trust God because of Christ's sacrifice." Last week, we were up in NC visiting some friends. The week before, I was struggling with heaven. I don't know why, but sometimes it's just hard for me to have faith in heaven's reality. Grief attack Sunday morning while getting ready. I sit down at church with Ryan & our friends, and the pastor begins his sermon entitled "What's Next?" a sermon about heaven from Rev.21: what will be there (JESUS, pleasure, answered questions, perfected relationships, indescribable beauty) and what will not be there (praise God! NO death, NO sorrow, NO crying, NO tears, NO pain - physical or emotional). God is so good to meet us right where we are. Jesus is real. He is God. He is present, alive and He cares about you.

A Fun F Project

I haven't posted on my love of the "-Wise" series in awhile, but I do continue to love these books. I've read Babywise, Pre-Toddlerwise, and Toddlerwise and continue to find numerous things I can implement into raising Zooey. One thing I've really started doing in the last two months is learning time. You can read about learning time in Todderwise. Zooey really likes crafts, so I work this into our day when she wakes up from nap. Using Val's ideas for learning time over at http://www.babywisemom.com/, I do a letter, number, color and shape of the week. This week I've been teaching Zooey the letter F, the number 5, the color orange and star shapes. This activity kind of incorporates all the things except the shape. Zooey had a lot of fun using the glue stick, which is great for her fine motor skills and teaching her cause and effect, and this is a cute craft! While we worked we talked about the orange paper, counted the flowers, talked about the different shapes and paid attention to the letter F.

What you'll need:
green card stock
scissors
card stock for color of flowers
card stock for background
green marker
glue stick
Marker or crayon of different color

If you're using a Cricut:
cut out 5 flowers on the George & Basic Shapes cartridge (I used varying sizes, so I could teach Zooey about contrasting shapes)

cut out 5 circles in different colors (I used 1")

cut 1" letters (FLOWERS) & numbers (12345)

Step one:
Prep supplies. Cut out flowers (or draw and let older children cut out). Cut green paper to fit bottom of background page; cut "grass" strips.

Step two:
Cut grass to bottom of background page.

Step three:
Draw stems for flowers.

Step four:
Glue flowers to stems:

Step five:
Glue circles to flower centers:

Step six:
Glue numbers 1-5 on flowers, or write 1-5 on flowers if you did not use the Cricut. Glue the word Flowers on the "grass" at the bottom of the page. You're finished! Display artwork for all to see. :)

An Eternal Perspective

I've never been falsely imprisoned. I've never been severely flogged with 40 lashes minus one, let alone been flogged five times. I've never been beaten with a rod, stoned, shipwrecked or spent the night tossed about in the sea. I've always had a home, have never been constantly on the move because of the threat of danger of people or land or sea. I've never gone naked or hungry or severely thirsty. I've never had to narrowly escape death through a hole in my city's wall.

2 Corinthians 11:23-12:12 reads:

"23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.


29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?


30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.31 The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying.32 In Damascus the governor under King Aretas had the city of the Damascus guarded in order to arrest me.


33 But I was lowered in a basket from a window in the wall and slipped through his hands.


2 Corinthians 12


1 I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord.2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know–God knows.3 And I know that this man–whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows–4 was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell.5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.

6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.


7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

11 I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the “super‑apostles,” even though I am nothing.12 The things that mark an apostle–signs, wonders and miracles–were done among you with great perseverance."

Wow, right?!

I've been praying for an eternal perspective. God gave me a glimpse of that this morning as I studied this. I've never suffered like Paul has for the Gospel. I cannot even imagine that type of suffering, let alone being able to say I rejoice over it! I find myself instead complaining and questioning the things that I face that are not comfortable. My "thorn," which is my anxiety, is something I have questioned God about enduring many time over the last seven years, pleading Him to take it time and again and being upset over why He can't do just that. I've finally accepted that, but what amazing obedience Paul shows here - he says he pleaded with God three times to take his thorn from him. After Jesus told him that HIS grace is sufficient, Paul doesn't ask about it again, yet chooses instead to boast in his weakness. I continue to ask God for understanding about my mom's death. Even though I have many wonderful memories right up to the hour she died of my mom, I sometimes find myself focusing on the hard memories, like her illness and the moment she died. Like I heard someone say last week about Stephen & James being persecuted to death for the sake of Christ (Acts 7, Acts 12), God may not have delivered Stephen & James the way Peter was delivered in Acts 12 from prison (freed by an angel to continue doing God's work), but they were still delivered. And you know what? These men were delivered in a far better way that Peter or Paul from his sufferings he lists above - Stephen & James were delivered right into the arms of Jesus, just as my mom was. It is important that I keep an eternal perspective. God's got my mom now, and I can trust that I'll see her someday. Jesus will strengthen my faith and my ministry through the emotional and physical sufferings that I am now and inevitably will endure on this planet. In my weakness, however, He is strong. He is mighty. He is unstoppable. I want to be a part of His purpose. I want to look to Him, not everything around me. I want my mantra to be, "God use me, use this circumstance," rather than, "why God, why?." God is so good to answer our prayers in a mighty way; I've seen it time and again in His Word, the lives of others I know and in my own life. Although I may not ever see the answers to some of my prayers for understanding this side of heaven,  I know that (if I still even care when I get there) He will answer abundantly someday. God, will you please use me until then?

Zooey is 2 years old!

Two years ago today (Oct. 7), we brought our precious baby girl home. Looking at her now, it is hard to imagine she was ever this small.

Zooey on her first day home

Zooey is truly no longer a baby. She's a little "big" girl now. Her birthday party was so much fun, and I'll do a separate post on it later, with pictures. For now, and update on miss Z and all the things going on with her. At her two year well-check, she weighed 25 pounds and is now 32 inches tall. She's currently wearing a 24 month in most brands of clothing, but sometimes can fit into a 2T. She wears a size 5 shoe and size 4 diaper. She's losing all those delicious baby rolls she had and is definitely leaning out. Her hair comes down to almost the middle of her back when it's wet, but it's very curly, so when it dries it looks about shoulder length.

Zooey is very busy and very active! She loves to play outside. In particular, she loves the park. I don't know if I mentioned she was afraid of slides for awhile, but she overcame her fear in the last month and now enjoys even the tall, fast slides.

Another thing Zooey loves to do is any kind of crafts. She loves to color, glue, paint and use stickers to make art. Once she's done with a project, she takes it proudly to the kitchen and hangs it up on the fridge. She's been learning her alphabet and can pick out the letters we've learned from her letter magnets.

Zooey is very affectionate. She gives her friends and family lots of hugs and snuggles. When we're in the grocery store, she likes to hold my hand as I push the cart and sometimes leans into me to give me a quick snuggle. She's also affectionate with the animals, and while the cats are not really too fond of the way she shows love, Tiny eats it up. Tiny gets so excited to see Zooey in the morning that he runs down the hall, body shaking, and attacks Zooey with kisses. Sometimes she doesn't really like being jumped on, but she laughs and pets him all the same. One of her little friends is named Bella, and she gets very excited when we talk about her, and she will exclaim, "Beba!" She also loves her friend Payton, whom she calls "PayPay." Adorable! I love this age and how she's starting to form bonds with people and remember them when they're not around. While I know she did this before, it's really special to hear her talk about her little friends.

Zooey has begun to mimic us quite a bit. She will copy both our words and our actions. She likes to clean, for example, when I'm wiping something off or she'll hold her play phone up to her ear when I'm on the phone. She also uses her imagination and playacts quite a bit. She will put the dolls in her little doll house on the potty and say "potty." She pushes her little dolls or animals around in the stroller and likes to cover them up or feed their bottle.

Just like it's sometimes hard to remember how small she was, it's also sometimes hard to remember my life before her. This girl has brought so much joy to our hearts and our lives, and I am so incredibly thankful to know her. It has been my joy to watch her grow from someone so small and helpless into this little person over the last two years with her own personality, likes & dislikes and independence. It's amazing to watch her learn and to see how she processes everything that's new to her everyday. I love her so much, and so does her daddy, whom she continues to be the biggest fan of.