Missing

This morning Zooey was talking away, saying "mo nana" (more banana) and "kitty cat" and "TaTa" (Tiny, our dog). She was smiley and happy as she always is in the morning, and I so wanted to text a picture to my mom. I wanted to call her and tell her how she said "mo nana." My mom always shared these little things with me at a level of enthusiasm that no one else did, not even Ryan sometimes. My heart aches with missing her today.

She gave me her chain reference Bible, which I've never seen before. I wanted to ask her to explain it to me, to share with me why she liked it so much, but she wasn't here to do that. I remember her telling me before she died that she wanted me to have it, because I'm in BSF and it helped her a lot when she was in BSF. Oh, I miss her.

The funeral on Thursday brought a real finality to the past week, to her death, but left me with a kind of "now what?" feeling. My sweet friend told me that now I have to learn to do the "new normal." I guess she's right, but it's uncharted territory. I talked to my mom everyday on the phone or in person. As my aunt said yesterday, moms are often the ones who kind of hold the family together. My mom certainly was the glue, and now we have to learn to share all that togetherness without her.

22 Months

Well, another month has come and gone, and this one was a busy one. Zooey is now 22 months old, just two short months away from being TWO! We spent most of the last month at my mom's, and one thing I can say about Zooey is she just brightens a room. We could've been having a stressful or emotional day, and Zooey would come in with her huge smile and cute antics and all those yucky feelings would just melt away. It was and is inevitable that she'd see me cry, and one time when she did, I told her I was sad because Grandma was sick. She grabbed my face, pulled me toward her and gave me a big kiss. Such a sweet, empathetic girl is my Zooey!

I'm not sure how much she weighs right now, but I'm guessing it's getting pretty close to 30lbs. She's also getting taller and leaning out. She can fit in some 24 month/2T clothes now, although she's still mostly in 18 month stuff.

Zooey loves to play with water and got into trouble a few times over at my parent's house for playing in the dog bowl and getting herself and the floor all wet. The video above was a morning about a week and a half ago when Rey brought Sarah's dogs over to the house for a visit, and we let Zooey go crazy with the water. She also loves animals, and her and Oreo (Sarah's biggest dog) were just following each other around - very cute!

She's becoming quite the artist, and she now tries to copy me by attempting to color in the lines when we color together. She watches me, then she starts inside and then colors a huge rainbow of colors all over the page. She's become quite a Grandpa's girl, and they are close buddies now after being over at his house so much. She'll often grab his hand to follow her and do what she wants to do after Mommy tells her no. I'm sure it's hard for him to resist that, but he does. :) After not being able to leave the house a lot, she's also become more fond of TV, something she kind of ignored before. She likes to sit and cuddle on the couch and watch Caillou or the Sesame Street Good Morning show on Sprout. Zooey also loves to dance and sing. It's very cute! She's even started to wiggle her little bottom when the music comes on. Although this isn't a habit, she took her first nap with mommy in the big bed, and it was a sweet time of cuddles.

She is still feisty as ever and definitely lets you know when she's not happy with something. She also gets very proud of herself when she obeys and is commended on it.

I love my little girl so much, and I'll say it again for the thousandth time, God knew we would need her smiles, joy, love and silliness in this time, because she certainly balances out the grief with immeasurable happiness and love.

Lazarus

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'" John 11:25-26

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord,' they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, 'See how he loved him!'" John 11:33-36

Lazarus, Jesus' close friend died. Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, for He told His disciples that He didn't go earlier to him so they might believe He was God's Son (Jn. 11:11-14). Nonetheless, He wept when He saw Lazarus' friends and family weeping. He was deeply moved by their pain. Not only do I receive immense joy at His words to Martha, knowing that my mom went from life to life everlasting, but I also receive immense comfort at knowing that my Lord looks down on me and my family, sees our tears and grief and He is deeply moved for us. He loves us so much! He lived this life here on earth, had one of His closest friends die and saw the pain on the faces and in the hearts of those around Him, and He can relate. I do not serve a God who idly stands above us dictating life and death, but I serve a God who is conducting a symphony of breaths and lovingly drawing us closer to Him. Praise God!

You Bled (Rend Collective Experiment)
You bled your heart out
Now I feel love beat in my
chest, How Wonderful
You gave your beauty
In exchange for my
ugliness, How Wonderful

You left your perfection
And took on our rejection

oh How Marvelous
How Boundless
Is your love
Is your Love
How Wonderful
Sacrificial
Is your Love for me

You put on our chains
Sent us out through the
open door, How
Wonderful, You took our
sadness, Crowned us
with joy and real peace
How Wonderful

You left your perfection
and fought for our
redemption

oh How Marvelous
How Boundless
Is your love
Is your Love
How Wonderful
Sacrificial
Is your Love for me

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me, How
Wonderful
Yes Jesus loves me
This is love
You gave yourself

When I started this blog, it was a secret one...I journaled about the fears & worries of my first trimester with Zooey before we made the pregnancy public. I had no idea it would be such an outlet or that I'd be journaling about my mom battling cancer & dying. I've always been a journaler, and although it's sometimes tough to write about things publicly, I'm glad I have, because I wouldn't have received so much of the encouragement that I've gotten had I continued to keep it a secret. Thank you for that.

Seven years ago I did counseling to deal with grief in another season of my life. I feel I have a lot of "head knowledge" about the grieving process and all the steps; however, nothing quite prepares you for actually feeling it. It's fine in theory to try to compartmentalize your grief and to cry for 15 minutes a few set times a day, but what about when you need to cry because it hits you when you're out to dinner with the whole family that there's an emptiness of someone not being there? Or when I give my baby a bath and remember the last time my mom was able to do that? Or when I want to ask my mom to pray for Zooey for something then remember she's not there? I'm not saying the information isn't helpful, it is, but just like I thought the diagnosis would somehow help prepare me for the loss, it didn't prepare me for anything. One cannot be prepared for the loss of someone so close. I certainly wasn't prepared that Zooey would notice as much as she has.

I so wish I could shield Zooey from all this! From the stress and sadness she must feel around her. Tonight I stopped by my mom's house (I can't stop calling it that...) to pick up some food. Zooey recognized where we were, pointed toward my mom's window and started whining for her grandma. I know she's more aware of this loss than any of us probably realize, and it just breaks my heart. I wish I could somehow wrap her in a giant bubble of joy and let her out when this season is over, but unfortunately, we can't do that. And you know what I am realizing? God loves us so much more than we love our children - so much that He sent His Son to die for us - and yet He doesn't shield us from disappointment and immense pain. He tells us He's here for us, wraps us in His arms, holds us close, comforts us with His Word and lets us cry; He feels our pain. I will, therefore, follow His example and hold my little girl up and let her cry and cry with her. I will keep my mom's memory alive and tell Zooey how much my mom loved her. I will show her tons of pictures and pass along lessons my mom taught me, especially the ones about Jesus. I will seek God's help as my Father to teach me how to be an excellent mother to Zooey through this, and because it's His desire, I know He will be faithful to answer my prayer.

Gone

My mom is gone. She went to be with Jesus last night at 11:23 after fighting the good fight for Christ and winning over one more soul for Him. She went quickly and peacefully, just as we all prayed she would. She was surrounded by my dad, me, Sarah & her sister, Kathi, who she had been asking about for a week.

I don't know what to write. This hurts. That's an understatement...this hurts worse than anything I've ever faced, and I feel that I've faced some pretty big things. I want to talk about how God keeps showing up, from using her life to reach someone to using this experience to heal others hearts. I want to share how I read Philippians 4 to her yesterday, especially the verse that He gave her when she started chemo, Phil. 4: 13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength," and how we prayed together that God would strengthen her and He did for one last work for Him. I want to share the joy that He filled my heart with that He can work such miracles in the midst of such immense loss. I want to tell you how present the Spirit of God was in her room last night, and how I knew as she breathed her last breath she was in Jesus' arms with no more pain, sorrow or tears. I know He is holding her in His peace and her body is glorified. I want to share how when I sat down to read my Bible while they prepared her body that every single page I randomly flipped to had a verse highlighted about the reassurance of our eternal life through salvation in Christ. I want to talk about how two hours after she died, right when the mortuary arrived and it was time to say goodbye to her earthly body, Sarah & I got the KLOVE verse of the day on our phones, 2 Corinthians 5:17 - "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" A passage she picked to be read at her funeral on Thursday. How today, after thinking about how Jesus knew how I felt because He wept at Lazarus' grave, I picked up a book she had called "God always has a Plan B" and immediately opened to a page titled, "God has a plan B for accepting grief and loss as a part of life" which talked about how Jesus cried at Lazarus' burial site. He keeps showing up and giving me just what I need at just the right moment.

I also want to cry, but I feel numb. I know she's gone, but I don't believe it. I want to share, but I want to close myself off. I sobbed buckets tonight after I put my sweet Zooey down for bed, my body wrecked with exhaustion and grief and the realization that she's gone. At the same time, I keep expecting her to come out of her room to sit in her recliner. I woke up last night from a dream wanting to call her, and it took me a second to realize she's no longer there to call or to text pictures and daily stories to about Zooey. I did laundry and folded her nightgown and about fell apart. I see the way she organized the wrapping paper in the garage or open the cabinet to all her perfumes, and my heart clenches and my stomach feels sick. Zooey was on my lap looking at a picture of my mom that we'll use at the service, and I said, "That's Grandma," to which she got excited and pointed at my mom's room. This following the moment before her nap when I showed her that Grandma was gone and told her simply that Grandma had died and was wtih Jesus, and she yelled Grandma three times and pointed to her room, fussing and reaching. These things ripped my heart apart. I guess they're right that children this age do understand more than we think they do about grief, so it's best to be honest with short, loving phrases.

It is grief afresh, and once again it's the little things. Oh, my heart aches and I miss her so!! I wish there were a way to purge all this sadness and be done with all the pain, but unfortunately, I know that's not how life works. I know that life will go back to normal, only it won't be "normal" anymore, and that's when it's going to hurt. I know that this year and probably every year and every big event will bring fresh pangs of grief that I will have to deal with. I don't know how people do this without Jesus, because I'm enough of a wreck with Him carrying me through; thank God I have Him to hold me up when I need it. It's moments like these that I truly know why they call it faith. I know it's Him giving me the faith I need, because I have none on my own.

Mom, I will miss you forever, and I cannot wait to see you again in Glory.

Heartsick

We were told today to "get ready" by Matt (the nurse). He said based on her vitals (BP 90/40 & pulse 132) and the fact that she's now in a semi-comatose state that he's guessing five days, possibly sooner. Although I haven't had a real conversation with my mom in over two weeks and she's not really herself, this is still majorly difficult. I feel heartsick. I feel so incredibly sad. I feel panicked that her life is almost over, that her time here on earth is almost up. It is so hard to see her like this, not really responding to what we say. I know she can hear us, but this isn't the same. I feel at a loss for words; I'm just so sad. I don't want to lose her, yet I don't want to see her suffer anymore. I know that "to live is Christ and to die is gain," but when I'm looking at her sweet face, I just want her here. I want to talk to her about Zooey and hear the excitement in her voice. I want to give her a hug and feel her arms hug me back. I read Phil. 4 to her and sang some of her favorite hymns tonight. She was agitated and this seemed to calm her a bit. I hate this. I hate the pain for me, for Zooey, my dad, for my sister, for my grandma and for the rest of my family. I love her so much.

When shadows fall on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When all seems lost & we're thrown & we're tossed

We'll remember the cost

We rest in it

The shadow of the cross

Last night was another rough night with Mom. She was extremely agitated for about three hours, and we finally called the nurse on-call who came out for a visit. They've increased her fentanyl to 100mcg and also upped her morphine and haldol (for the terminal agitation). She seems to have some day/night confusion and rests all day only to be up almost all night. Last night my older sister Melissa came and helped us out. We were actually able to rest; she was a total Godsend! When the nurse Matt came out today he told us that my mom is now in the active dying phase. He said that he always says two weeks at this point for a worse-case scenario, but he really thinks it will be closer to one week. She hasn't drank anything today or used the restroom. Once she stops urinating, he said it will be about five days. From here on out, he said it will be very rough (as if it hasn't been already!), because dehydration and electrolye imbalances cause more confusion, in addition to the body going haywire and shutting down on itself (which impacts the heart and brain and everything else). She has started gasping for air, and she also has more congestion in her chest than she did yesterday. The literature we've been given says this is another sign that it is close. She is sleeping much more than even two days ago.

Matt encouraged us to think about hiring a CNA to come in and care for her, so we can take the role of daughters more than caretakers; we've decided to do that, and an aide will be here starting tonight. I can't say I'm not relieved. Although we will stay here at night, because the CNA cannot administer meds and because we want to be here when she passes, I miss Ryan so incredibly much and will be able to at least go home for a bit to spend some time with him or go out to grab a bite to eat. Likewise, it will be good for Sarah to get home to play with her dogs and spend time with Rey. We've also been a little worried about Zooey being here when my mom gets so agitated (we want Zooey to have great memories of her; I remember things from my mom being pregnant when I was Zooey's age, so I am assuming she is going to remember things even if she may not), so this will allow us to get her home at night and pick her up in the morning.

We are praying that my mom isn't trying to hang on for things when she's already in so much pain, that she'll know it's ok to let go when it's time. She keeps asking for the date and crying when we tell her; my dad's birthday is 8/16, and their anniversary is 8/23. She also keeps asking for her sister, Kathi, who will be coming out tomorrow. Please pray that she'll be reassured that although we will be sad and miss her, that it's ok to go and we'll be ok.

Please also pray that the new pain medication regimine that we began will be effective and we can stay on top of her pain levels to minimize her agitation and reduce her pain. Pray for the Lord to calm her when she's confused or agitated, as well.

God continues to be at work, from being very present to sending me "kisses" of Scripture to continuing to being there for us through His church. I am in awe of His love, and I trust His faithfulness. This morning while I was praying, it was one of those wonderful moments where I could literally feel the Lord's arms around me and His peaceful Presence. It was just what I needed at that moment. He also gave me the following verses today, which remind me that my hope, my strength, my confidence and all my abilities come from Him alone. He is my Rock.

"Your laws endure to this day, for all things serve you. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life." Psalm 119:91-93

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-39

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep praying for the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18