Christmas

Although a post is sure to follow with pictures and updates of Zooey and family and everything else, the number one reason we celebrate Christmas is CHRIST. Our pastor shared a bit of this in church this morning, and I found it on the internet and just had to share. I feel that this explains the meaning of Chistmas so well. May Christ bless you as you approach this new year, and may you know THIS God and grow closer to Him. Love, Amber, Ryan & Zooey

The Message of Christmas


“This God could put on eyebrows and kneecaps, tear ducts and saliva glands.

This God could be born under the tyrants Augustus and Herod.

This God could accept the smells of shepherds, and the extravagancies of political emissaries.

This God could start life a vulnerable hunted child born into scandal.

This God could grow up under foreign domination and among terrorists and outcasts.

This God could sit in the street playing marbles.

This God could wear with pride the calloused splintered hands of an honest workman building the houses and fixing the furniture of half-castes, outcasts and bigots.

This God could ask his cousin to baptise him along with the rest of the crowd.

This God could make the best vintage Pinot Noir or Cabernet Sauvignon even when the guests were too drunk to know the difference.

This God could befriend a bloke in a tree with small man syndrome.

This God could enjoy a sinful woman washing his feet, giving her his full and undivided attention, and ignoring the eye-rolling of lawyers and theologians.

This God could spend a whole night making a whip to crack over the backs of con artists who rip-off the poor.

This God could wrap the greatest truths in the simplest stories, and put a sting in the tail of every yarn.

This God could let himself hang on a tree, nails tearing at his sinews, every muscle screaming, the weight of the world upon his shoulders, life slowly draining away.

This God could invite women to be the first to know that he was back.

This God could delay his own glorious homecoming long enough for a bite of breakfast on the beach and a yarn with an old mate to let him know there were no hard feelings and to pass on his mantle.

This God could take his own story and give it the most surprising ending.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God could reach into the crevices of my soul to bring to life the longings I smother so pathetically and recklessly with shame and excuses.

This God could raise me up to life with him.

This God could give me every blessing he could give himself.

This God could draw me out of my petty self-interest and sad little excuses without even a hint of a ‘tut-tut’, a frown, or a patronising smile.

This God could be more infuriating and fascinating and gobsmacking than any god I could ever make up.

This God could love my obsessiveness and overlook my forgetfulness.

This God could laugh and cry with me, and come play with me.

This God could make me his glory.

This God could love me.

This God could make my heart good.

This God could trust me.

This God could never be safe, but always be good.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God I want to know.

This God I know in the face and Spirit of Jesus.”

I found this on the blog, "Knowing Narnia," at http://iosa.tumblr.com/. This post was titled "The Message of Christmas" and was dated 12/15/11.

26-27 Months

Wow, how time flies. I completely forgot to do Zooey's 26 month update at the beginning of December! It's been a busy month for us, getting ready for Christmas and doing triple the shopping (Sarah & I went shopping on behalf of my dad and grandma) and triple the wrapping. It honestly feels like such a blur. So, here are some things to catch you up on Miss Zooey.

Zooey really enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate almost a whole plate of food! Her favorite was the cranberries. She LOVES the Christmas tree and outside lights we put up. She had so much fun hanging ornaments and kept laughing, smiling and yelling, "tree!" She's also been very good, leaving the tree and the presents alone.

Zooey is obsessed with her baby dolls! She carries one around almost all the time, and she loves to feed them, give them kisses, snuggle and sleep with them, push them in the stroller and do lots of other things with them (like throw them on the floor and laugh). She walks around happily babbling and saying "baby" over and over again, and we can almost never leave the house without one of her precious babies. We've started to name them, because she has about six, and she always wants a different one.

We had snow a few times that actually stuck a little to the ground, so she was pretty excited about that. She liked to touch it with her finger and try to put it on my finger. She doesn't like to walk on it too much, though, but maybe that's because when we had that icky slush I told her it was slippery.

Zooey's getting more into imagination play (as mentioned above with her babies), and she also has her babies pet her toy animals or give them kisses. She has been enjoying building with her blocks, she still loves crafts (although she seems to be on a coloring hiatus right now, preferring stickers, paint and glue) and she's also getting into puzzles. In fact, second to her babies, she probably spends most of her free play doing her puzzles and pegboard. We've continued daily story time, and her favorites continue to be her Bible stories. She loves to play with her Christmas nativity toy as I tell the story. She's also begun to enjoy longer books more and seems to be able to pay attention a little longer. She loves to point out things in the stories as I read and ask her where/what things are.

I've mentioned before that Zooey isn't really into TV, but that's changed in the last month or so. We don't let her watch too much, but she does get about 20-45 minutes of TV time per day, and her favorites, in order, are Yo Gabba Gabba & Play With Me Sesame. We've started a new routine in the morning where we go snuggle with Daddy when he wakes up and we watch PWMS. Zooey loves being the one to wake Ryan up, and Ryan & I enjoy having a little quiet time as a family. Today, she must have been very tired, because she slept in until 9:00, which allowed me to doze a little longer, too. When she got up, we had extra TV snuggle time and just kind of chilled out. It was relaxing and nice to have those cuddles!

The biggest thing that's happened in the last month, which has taken up a lot of our focus and is probably why it seems time went so fast, is potty training. The first weekend in December, Zooey asked to go potty at church and went! So, we started potty training that afternoon. That first week was ROUGH to say the least, but now she is doing very well and is in panties except for naps & nights. She's actually been dry & clean for naps for almost a week, so I'll probably change her to panties for naps this week, too. She's so funny; she was so proud of herself and loves her Elmo potty seat so much that she has tried to kiss it multiple times! Stay tuned for an update on our next big change: the big girl bed, which we are transitioning to next week.

Zooey is such a sweet, loving girl, always snuggling up or giving kisses and cuddles in the midst of her playtime. She's happy and confident and not easily scared or hurt - she's a toughie. She bounces back quickly from disappointment, except maybe when she's tired or hungry. Another cute story: at church on Sunday, her little buddy Sybella was having a minor breakdown, and when Sybella's mom went to get her, she said Zooey was sitting there patting Sybella with a very concerned look on her face. This is my empathetic, caring little girl! That made my heart so proud.  She's a joy to mother and to be around; she's my little buddy. :)

Zooey with her little friend, Sybella

"Ya, I'm cute."

Big girl knows how to climb up in her own seat now



Saying "hi" to Aunt RaRa at work. She loves RaRa, if you can't tell from the big smile.

"Tree!!!"

Having some fun at a local indoor playroom

Exploring at the children's touch museum

(I detest Barney) but Zooey loves him





Zooey self-soothing by twirling her hair to fall asleep - just like me, Grandma & RaRa!

And last but not least, here's a slideshow of the 2-year prints I'm putting up in the house. My friend Carmelita took them, and they are so pretty!



Growing Up...A Mother's Heart

Zooey's been potty-training the last two and a half weeks. She's doing very well and is now in panties except for nights and naps, soon only nights. Another big change is coming, too - we're going to convert her crib to a "big girl bed." While we thought we'd wait, it occurred to us that we have a trip coming up in February, & she's simply too big for the pack n' play now. We'd like her to adjust to a bed before our trip.

Oh my, how my baby girl is growing up. My mother's heart swells with pride and reluctance at this. Do I miss the 2am feedings? No, but as my girl grows more independent with every passing day, I sure miss the bliss of her snuggling up on my chest and falling asleep. Do I miss hauling a baby carrier around everywhere? Not really, but I'm sure I'll always wish I could strap her in or cover her up against people I don't think she should be around or the elements of life. I beam in joy at all her accomplishments, at her pride over all the things she's learning to do on her own, but I wince at the pain that sometimes comes with the learning curve and wish I could somehow shelter her from that part. Of all the frustrations we moms face in toddlerhood, how often do we stop and reflect on what a sweet, short time it is?

I can't help but wish I could ask my own mom what it felt like for her to move through these milestones at what feels like light speed...did she stop with the same bittersweet pauses? Were her tears mingled with the same pride and nostalgia? Knowing her, I'm sure they were. I wonder if Zooey will grow up as I have and sometimes reminisce and wish she could go back to being little like I do, to snuggle on with my mom with no greater care than what book to choose for story time.

Growing is hard to watch and hard to do, but necessary. It involves letting go, something is humans are generally not too find of. Hopefully I can do it in a God-honoring way and cherish every second as I watch.

25 months

Cute stuff:
-She takes her socks off for naps and bed, because she doesn't like to sleep with socks on.
-When she gets excited, she runs in place; this is also how she dances.
-She thinks it's super funny to have her underarms tickled.
-She loves the leaves that are falling and picks them up everywhere! This is often a challenge in parking lots, but most of the time it's cute to see her squeal with joy at every new leaf she comes across.
-When we ask her what a dog or cat says, she sticks out her tongue and tries to "lick" like a dog or cat would when they're drinking water. She also tries to pant for a dog.
-She's getting more social and curious about the other kids we hang out with. She likes to give them hugs and often watches them playing or tries to play "with" them.

New Stuff/Big girl!
-Zooey can now climb on one of the couches without a stool.
-She has two of her 2-year molars (the bottom ones), and I didn't even know she had them until I got a peek inside her mouth two weeks ago!
-She's enjoying more "imagination play," like caring for her dollies and stuffed animals.
-She's enjoying TV a little more and enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba and is starting to get into Sesame Street.
-It seems like she's trying to form more words; her babbling is more complex, and it sounds like she's saying sentences, although we don't know what they mean. :)
-I've taken Zooey to the aquarium and zoo a couple of times in the last month, and she's really interested in the animals now. Before she would kind of look more at the exhibits or the bushes, but now she tries to find the animals I'm pointing to and she smiles when she sees them. On the same note, she's starting to sit still at the library (yay!) for most of the time we're there. She is also beginning to try to do the movements to songs we learn there or on her kid's CD's.

I've decided to add a short bit about new stuff we've added or changes in regards to our routine (notes for next time...):
-Because we've been trying to read to her more to increase her language, but she won't sit still, I've added "story time" 20 minutes before her bath. Most nights she sits still for this, and as a plus, it seems to help her wind down a little more, too.
-Zooey never really slowed down too much on her food in her 2nd year, but it seems like she's starting to slow down. The last two weeks she hasn't eaten as much as has been "normal" for her in the past.

Zooey is a such a source of joy! Even if I was working right now outside the home, I think I'd find it very hard to get motivated some days to get up, get out of bed and get moving. I think I'd want to lay in bed and wallow in my grief. As it is now, I am usually filled with joy and the blessing of caring for her every day. This is another way I marvel at God, His gifts and His perfect timing. Because I have Zooey, this little person fully depending on me to get her diaper changed, get her fed, love on her, etc. I have such a purpose in my daily life that cannot be ignored, yet it is more than obligation - she gives me so much joy, even on the tough days with temper tantrums and non-stop boundary-pushing. If you know Zooey, you know she is a very sweet, loving little girl. She is certainly independent, but she loves to come up and rest her head on you for a quick snuggle or give us a little kiss. She is generally obedient most of the time (I hear the three's are killer!), and she is my little "buddy;" I love hanging out with her and just watching her grow into her own little self. I'm just so thankful for her!

watching TV & eating breakfast

Steelers vs. Cowboys :) 

I wish I could hear my mom's voice. I read a note from her today, and I could almost hear her saying the words. I'm scared I will forget her voice. I wish I could give her a big hug and breathe in her smell...that smell of fresh laundry, a hint of perfume, clinique makeup and "clean." I'm scared I will forget this, too. I remember her tucking me into bed when I was little, leaning over and giving me a kiss. I remember her smell and her saying "I love you." I remember her coming in my room in the morning to wake me up as I got older and singing "Good morning, good morning, good morning; it's time to rise & shine," and whipping the blinds open, letting the sun hit me in the face, then yanking my covers off me. (I'm not a morning person.) At the time that really made me mad, now it makes me smile. I remember her leading me to the Lord on my bedroom floor, holding my hands. I remember her stroking my hand with her thumb while she held it tightly in the car, while I watched raindrops slide down the windshield on the way to the mall one time. I remember her conspiring in the kitchen with me & Sarah, making my dad a cup of hot water and telling him it was coffee, because he told her that she made coffee too weak and it tasted like hot water. I remember when she was pregnant with Sarah, how I got to feel kicks as my mom lay on the couch, she held my hand against her belly. I remember going to see Sarah in the hospital and my mom looked so tired....but she still gave me a tight hug. I remember she used to let me & Sarah have "slumber parties" with her on some nights when my dad was out of town at the auction; I loved snuggling up with them in her bed. I remember laying my head on her lap on the couch at night while we watched TV, and she'd play with my hair. She used to do my hair for drill team and ROTC. She did my hair and makeup for almost every school dance, she helped me pick out a dress and she took lots of pictures. I used to call her every week after church or about my BSF lesson and talk to her about it. I miss her input; she was so wise. I loved my mom's laugh. It was contagious, full of joy, she really enjoyed humor. I remember even in the end, when I lay with her in bed, she still smelled like her. She whispered, "I love you." I know this post was a bunch of rambling, but I have to hold onto these memories. I have to be able to go back & reread them when I can't think of anything but the illness making her weaker. Otherwise, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel afraid that I won't remember anything good.

What's so hard, what's sometimes hardest of all, and if you're close to your mom, you'll get this - I wish I could call her and talk to her about my feelings. I wish I could tell her how crushed I am that, how the grief overwhelms me sometimes and leaves me feeling so sad and alone in the pain. She was my mom. She always knew just what to say or do...sometimes it was just an "I know," or "I love you." Sometimes she'd send me a card or call me the next morning to make sure I was ok after I faced heartbreak. When I went through my divorce, when I was crushed and betrayed, she drove up to CO to see me the very next day after it happened. She held me; that was enough. A mom is a mom, you know? No one and nothing can quite comfort you the same way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to everyone, but that loss of having her to talk to hurts so much. It wasn't just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Like when Zooey does her little bouncy dance, or I want to send her a picture text of sleeping Zooey (those were some of her favorites), or when Zooey loved the smarties on Halloween, just like her grandma did...I can tell someone else, but it's just not the same.

I know my posts have been a little "down" lately, but please understand that writing is what helps me through when I feel this way. It helps to get this out...and just like I started this blog to work through all my pregnancy neurosis, I continue to write to work through my emotions. Thank you for running this race alongside me. Facebook is removing the capacity to automatically upload and sync my blog to FB, so if you've been following on FB and would like to continue following the blog, here is the link: http://souledoutgirl.blogspot.com/.

Wrestling with Grief

I feel like the process of grief is something like a mental & emotional wrestling match. One where my brain sees or hears something (a grandma with her grandchildren, a friend mentioning Thanksgiving plans with their mom, me & Sarah needing to do the Christmas shopping for my dad) and then does it's job and tries to process all the thoughts and emotions that go with it. Then I manage to wrestle all that yuckiness back down until it comes pouring out about once a week in a period of depression & tears.

C.S. Lewis wrote of grief in his book A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . . An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . . And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . ."

I relate. I've always been a bit ADD-ish or something, but lately I've been frustrated with my lack of focus and concentration. I've been especially frustrated when I sit down to read my Bible and I re-read the same lines over and over and over...and still have yet to take anything in. I was praying this week about why it's been so hard for me to focus lately. I realized then that it's because of this internal wrestling match, that in the quiet times I probably do need to do a little processing, yet I keep trying to ignore it. Why? Oh, I don't know...probably because like any other human being on the planet, I hate pain. I relate also to what he says about being around others. I want people to "say something about it," and yet, I don't. I want to cry, to have someone hug me and tell me it will all be ok, but I choke all this back inside, because I don't know how to talk about it and just cry around others. I want to share my grief with others, but it is also intensely private.

I know that to move on, though, I must cry. I must face it and stop wrestling with it. So, when I finally do submit to the emotions and the thoughts, I give it to Jesus. I crawl onto His lap and cry. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18.

I kid you not, I seem to face my grief from Friday to Sunday every week. I used to think my "grief attacks" only happened on the weekends as something to oppose the work God has for me to do. I'm beginning to realize, however, that God is allowing me to be in His presence, just where He wants me to be, at my most vulnerable moments. The things He's taught me & the ways He's encouraged me over the last few weekends are a true testament to how personal & intimate He is. Two weeks ago, I was all teary eyed over something silly, like remembering how my mom enjoyed her coffee or something, and I kept asking God, "Do you see? Are you here?" I go to church to hear our pastor say, "God suffers with us. Jesus relates 100%. He loves us. No one understands like He does. God knows grief is great; He can be trusted. In the midst of waiting, we can trust God because of Christ's sacrifice." Last week, we were up in NC visiting some friends. The week before, I was struggling with heaven. I don't know why, but sometimes it's just hard for me to have faith in heaven's reality. Grief attack Sunday morning while getting ready. I sit down at church with Ryan & our friends, and the pastor begins his sermon entitled "What's Next?" a sermon about heaven from Rev.21: what will be there (JESUS, pleasure, answered questions, perfected relationships, indescribable beauty) and what will not be there (praise God! NO death, NO sorrow, NO crying, NO tears, NO pain - physical or emotional). God is so good to meet us right where we are. Jesus is real. He is God. He is present, alive and He cares about you.