An Update

Many of you have asked either in real life or online how my mom is doing. Although I sent out an update via email to our prayer chain, I realize some of you may not be included in that, so I wanted to let you all know how she's doing.

About a month ago at her Hospice meeting, the nurse told her that the doctor was concerned with the rate the disease was progressing. She is definitely getting worse. She is fatigued and weak, her cough is worse, she finds it difficult to breathe and her resting heart rate is high due to the pain she is in. According to the Hospice nurse, all these things are normal as the disease progresses and the pain medication she is on adds to her feeling tired and confused. At her last visit (last Wednesday), my mom asked the nurse when she thought my mom would be completely bedridden. Although the nurse cannot give a perfect estimate, she basically said that for now my mom needs to find a fine balance between getting out of the house (which is very important for her sanity, as I'm sure all of us can relate) and resting; if it was up to the nurse, she said, she'd like to see her resting more. She said that right now my mom can muster up enough energy to force herself to do something, and she doesn't want to try to stop her from doing that, because she wants her to enjoy things now, but soon she will find she cannot even muster enough energy to forcer herself to do these things. So, for now, my mom might get out 2-3 times a week for a very brief amount of time before she needs to go back home to rest. The resting is definitely becoming a greater part of her day. She is now to the point where she also feels that she isn't up for much company, which is by no means personal against anyone; it is simply, as the Hospice material says, a normal part of the dying process. There may even come a time soon when she won't want to see her immediate family for visits. She's taking it one day at a time.

Our prayer requests are as follows:
~Protection from spiritual opposition for her and my family
~That her transition to Jesus' arms would be as painless as possible
~That God would give her peace about the unknown (pain, the way the disease will progress) and will hold her firmly in His arms, making His peace overwhelmingly real to her
~That He would bless the time we have left with her
~That God would comfort our family during this time

Thank you for caring and for following along on this journey with our family. It means the world to us, and we greatly appreciate your prayers.

21 months

This picture seriously melts my heart!

Would you just look at Zooey?! Look at those "big girl legs" and how she's getting leaner and taller and starting to really look like a little girl...less of a baby. Wow! She is so much fun right now. She is very curious and loves to explore. She loves to play outside and has even started to venture away from her toys to look at trees, hummingbirds and Daddy's garden. She is absolutely obsessed with her belly button. She plays with it ALL the time, especially as a comfort, like when she's unsure of a situation; I can see her on the video monitor playing with it as she goes to sleep. Zooey's a very affectionate little girl, giving kisses all the time. She also loves to give snuggles, and I am still blessed enough to get to treasure those snuggles where she lays her head down on my shoulder before bedtime. She had swim lessons this month, a mom/tot class, which she absolutely loved. The only thing she wasn't too sure about was being dunked underwater, but I can't say that I blame her. I am excited to take her swimming more when my gym's pool opens (they have a kid pool). Zooey also really loves the animals. I know I've said that in the past, but she's really starting to enjoy petting them gently and giving them kisses. She likes to give Tiny, the dog, his toy and watch him run around with it. She's gotten a little bit more into TV, and her favorite seems to be Blue's Clues. She loves to color and play with playdough. She's very affectionate with family and loves to have them come over. When I tell her Grandma or RaRa (Sarah) are coming over, she runs to the front door laughing and waits a little bit, thinking they're coming through the door any minute. One of my favorite times of day are when we go wake Daddy up after breakfast. Her excitement over seeing him and giving him kisses just warms my heart to the core!

Challenges this month include pretty bad separation anxiety - sometimes when it's clear I'm not going anywhere, she still cries and clings to me until she's absolutely sure. She's in a hitting/kicking phase, which we're trying to tame with consistent time outs. I've heard it's usually a short phase...let's hope! She usually hits when she's tired or frustrated, and I notice she does it a lot when I'm about to put her down, then she cries. I think she's frustrated and sad because she knows I'm leaving her. One kind of funny thing is that she'll hit and immediately kiss us to apologize. We're working on telling her it's still not ok, but it's pretty clear from the kisses that she already knows that!

Overall she is just a joy. When I put her to bed each night, lately, I am struck yet again with how fast time goes, with how I'll never get that day back. I try very hard to cherish each day and make the most of every moment. I take tons of pictures and even more mental ones. Being a mom is such a gift. A question on my Bible study asked me when I had felt God's blessing, even when I didn't deserve it. I constantly think about how Zooey is such a huge blessing from God, and also a huge responsibility. I hope I glorify Him in my parenting her. I hope I can "box up" a little of this sheer joy in this blog as I journal about our sweet family.

Time

I feel like time is moving exceptionally fast. I have an almost-two-year-old. I just turned 30. Time with my mom, though, is the thing that seems to be so fleeting. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and all I want is to be near her. I know for many of you, it's been awhile since you've received an update about her. The blunt way to say it is that she's getting worse. She still gets out and about, coming to visit Zooey or going out to eat with us, but her pain level is definitely increased and she's much more tired. Her heart rate is high all the time, which the Hospice nurses say are due to her pain level. Her nurse this week told her that it would not be a surprise to him if it was her heart that did her in, not the cancer. To hear that was very scary for me, because we all know how heart issues can take a person quickly, suddenly...without any warning. I sometimes feel that if she continued to live forever here on this earth, as did I, there would not be enough time or moments to remember or to tell her how I feel about her. Those are the thoughts that cause my heart to sieze in panic, thinking that we truly have such a short time left together, and I still have so much I want to say, so much I wish we could do. I pray that God will give me the time, the words and the guts to express all that I need to before He calls her home. I love her so much.

While this time is very distressful, I have to say I am constantly amazed to be loved by such a big God, the One who holds me in the night when I can't fall back to sleep. The One who gives me just the right passage of Scripture I need on difficult days, like this one from a sweet friend who knows that I've been having even more difficulty sleeping due to unrelated things: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." ~Psalm 3:5. The One who reminds me in those sleepless times that I must continue to praise Him and thank Him for the blessings, because without that kind of perspective it is so hard to see the hope He has for me. The One who reminds me after a workout that He created our bodies to thrive on this earth for a time, breathing and moving healthily, but like Ecclesiastes tells us, there is also "a time to die." I am so thankful to be His princess, a daughter of the Most High King.

20 months

Zooey is 20 months old. I am in denial that my baby will be two in four short months! This month has been sweet, but also a little trying. I don't know what the deal is, but I find myself praying for patience and saying "Turn off your whiney voice." (internally, it's more like "Stop. The. Screaming.") about 100 times a day. I keep wondering if all the screaming (which seems like a frustrated/mad/give-me-that scream) will cease when she starts talking more, or if maybe she's frustrated she can't communicate the way she wants to. One other frustration is a little separation anxiety at naps and bedtime. Tonight, for example, after our story & song she was signing "Please" and started to cry, because she wanted me to keep holding her. This is more frustrating simply because I wish I could just give in, but I know it's better for her if I stay consistent. It's just hard to see her want me so much and cry for me not to leave her. She's always fine right after I lay her down. Besides the frustrations, however, I am cherishing all the sweet stuff, because I know this stage will soon pass, just like all the others have. Zooey has been extremely affectionate lately. She loves to give snuggles & kisses to family members and those she recognizes (her teacher at Little Gym, the church nursery workers). She has started to hug tightly to me & Ryan's necks when we give her a hug. It melts my heart! She blows kisses, and she'll put her hand to our mouth so we'll blow her a kiss, too. There was a night this month when Ryan was putting her down for bed; after he prayed and said, "In Jesus' Name we pray, Amen," she looked up at him and said "Amen." Aw! Amazing! That story is one of my favorite ones yet about Zooey. I just love how Jesus works in my little girl's heart already in ways that I can't even see quite yet.

Zooey now:

~eats with a spoon most of the time

~is getting at least two of her 2-year molars

~tries to do a lot of things by herself

Zooey loves:

~socializing!

~animals

~cars & trucks

~playing outside (& gets very upset when it's time to go inside)

~shape sorters

Zooey dislikes:

~the end of bathtime

Parenting Zooey continues to be such a joy and a privilege that I am thankful for every day. I love her so much and am so thankful that God gave us such a sweet, loving blessing.

19 months

Zooey is 19 months old! She had her 18 month well check this month, and she weighed in at 24.4 lbs. and is 30.5" tall. The doctor also confirmed my suspicion that she is indeed getting her first 2 year molar.

Everyone always asks me if Zooey's into everything, and the answer is yes, she is. I turn my back for a few seconds, and she usually is into something new. Most of the time this is a new toy, but the other day it was her climbing & standing up on the open dishwasher! She is filled with curiosity, and she takes everything in with those big blue eyes. Yesterday we were singing one of the songs from the library story time. It is a counting song, and when I got to four, Zooey held up her hand with 5 fingers up, then with her other hand, she folded her thumb in, so that she was saying four, too. I think she's pretty smart. :) Zooey seems to be beginning to say more words. The other night at dinner she said "please;" tonight she said "done" twice. She has a new lovey, Tiger, that she got last month. After a trip to the ER for her first stomach bug (it was as awful & pitiful as it sounds), she really bonded with Tiger, and she calls him "Ta-ga." Zooey also started giving out kisses this month. This is the BEST! She blows kisses, she kisses our cheeks, she kisses her toys; she is just full of love, and it is wonderful. I love Zooey's kisses. It also seems like she's starting to remember places. When I tell her we're going to Little Gym or to see Grandma, she gets very excited. She also gets excited when I tell her we're going to the park. She really likes push toys right now (like the Fisher Price classic push popper), and today she tried to help me push around our little sweeper. Speaking of that, she really just wants to be a part of whatever it is we're doing - vacuuming, cleaning, feeding the animals, talking on the phone. She tries to help me or imitates us doing these things. It's pretty cute.

Zooey's a very determined little girl. When she is trying to do something she can't quite achieve, she gets so frustrated she throws a frustration tantrum. When I ask her if she wants help, she usually signs "please," only to get more angry when I try to help her. She's like her momma like that; I like to try to accomplish things on my own. She's also pretty strong-willed and throws her share of temper tantrums, which we combat with being as consistent as we can. She "comes by it naturally," as my mom says, because Ryan & I are both pretty strong-willed. I think both of these qualities will be good for her as she grows up, as long as she can learn to direct her determination in a positive way. She also needs to learn how to graciously accept help, which I know can be hard to do sometimes. These are some new goals for us as her parents.

Zooey is such a loving child. As mentioned above, she loves to give kisses now. She often checks in with me while she's playing, just to get or give a little snuggle or hug or kiss before she runs off to play again. I was at dinner with my parents this week, and she wanted me to blow her kisses, so she put her hand on my mouth, then when I bent down to her, she snuggled her little cheek against mine. She loves to wake her daddy up with snuggles in the morning, which she follows up by climbing and stepping all over him. She is so much fun, and I am really enjoying this stage in her life.

On Easter, Zooey wore an adorable yellow dress. She came out of her independent play after church to see my mom & dad. She walked down the hallway like it was a catwalk, grinning at my mom and even stopped to bend down and touch her new shoes. She KNEW she was cute in that little dress. It cracked all of us up. She was pretty adorable. My mom thought it was awesome. :)

Zooey loves:
~Tiger

~Shoes. She even gave her friend's shoes a kiss at the library this week!

~Books

~Bath time

~Fish

~Her Bible. She squeals in delight to have it read to her each morning - and this is the only book she does this with.

~Playing outside

~Opening and closing things, like the stuffed-with-treats Easter eggs. :)

~Almond milk; beans

Zooey doesn't like:

~having her hair rinsed during her bath

Little Blessings

Today has been full of little blessings, straight from God to me. I completed my last BSF lesson for the study of Isaiah, and it was beautiful, full of promises for my future life with God. I was so blessed to read that there will be no remembrance of the former things; they won't even come to mind. Only my BIG God can completely take away all the pain like that, so that someday I will not even remember all the heartache and the sinful habits I had here on this earth. Only God can cause weeping and crying to turn to sounds of joy & delight. I was blessed to read that my big God is also personal enough to answer me before I call & hear while I'm still speaking (Is. 65:24). Wow! And them to read that His peace will extend like a river, that He will comfort me as a mother comforts her children! I pictured myself wiping away Zooey's tears after a big fall and how my mom did that for me and how sometimes only a mommy can really comfort those tears. To know that my God will comfort me with that same tenderness just captures my heart.

I was also blessed to spend time with a good friend today, to catch up and enjoy her & her sweet daughter's lovely company. I was blessed with Zooey taking a long nap. I was blessed by Zooey kisses on my cheek! And, I am super blessed to be able to go on a date tonight with Ryan. What a wonderful day. Thank you, Jesus!

Little things I love this week

~Snuggling up with a toddler to read her new library books
~Lovely spring weather
~Running
~Isaiah 61
~My new washing machine
~Watermelon
~Friendship
~Coconut milk