As much as I feel like I've been through the gamut with the emotions of grief, I realized today how much denial I am still in about my mom. About a month ago, we met with a local Hospice care, so that when her doctor gave her the referral on the 29th, she'd know who she wanted to use. Well, the referral has come & gone, and yesterday she had her first appointment with Hospice in her home. She's been prescribed morphine drops for her pain. She hadn't told me before yesterday that she is super breathless when she gets out of the bath, and she can no longer walk her dog as she runs out of breath. The nurse was supposed to go by today to show her how to administer the drugs, which she's going to start taking if she feels in pain or out of breath.

For some reason, the fact that Hospice really came to her house has made the fact that she's going to die much more real to me today. A million thoughts have run through my head today, thoughts about how I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her to talk about our days. She cares about and is so close to Zooey; it saddens me so much that I won't be able to share all Zooey's cute little moments and her milestones with my mom, who cares so much and gets so excited over her little Zooey. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to call her for her take on a tough passage of Scripture or to share all I've learned in BSF. Those are some of the thoughts I've been having. It kills me that I am going to have to see her suffer; I pray all the time that her suffering will be minimal before Jesus calls her to heaven.

I worry so much that I won't be a good mom in the midst of my grief, that my emotions will overtake me and I won't be able to care for my little girl. Those of you who have been praying, this is my biggest request for myself, that God will fully enable me to grieve, without totally losing it, and care for my family.

I don't get it, still. I don't understand why God's going to take her home. There are many days I still don't think it's "fair," and I still get angry about it. Thank God, though, that I serve such a personal, intimate God who cares about me and all my emotions. Last night, the speaker at BSF said, "We're in Christ, adn even when we can't see HIm, we can rest in assurance He's there. We can look up. We can trust that He knows and will see it through to the day of God's glory. Just today, I opened my Bible to read "He has sent me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:1b,3. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." Is. 61:10-11. And, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Today as I was driving around, the song "Blessings" came on the radio, and the DJ said that Christians will suffer just like anyone else, but we have the assurance of knowing that God is with us and will walk alongside us through our suffering.

So...I don't get it, it hurts, and I hate it; however, I am going to focus on these truths today and let God take me moment by moment through all the hurt and all the heartache until the day of God's glory. I know, because of the verses in Isaiah, that her being with Jesus is going to be WAY more amazing and beautiful than this earth. I rejoice that someday I will meet Jesus face to face where I will be adorned in His beautiful garments, and I will see my mom again. We'll be able to share all the things we know about Jesus together again, and we'll be able to praise Him side by side. These are the truths I'm going to hold onto as I praise Him in this storm.

18 months

Zooey is 18 months old today. I am so amazed at how fast time has gone, and I cannot believe little Zooey's been a part of our lives for a year and a half. She makes our family so complete. I have to really concentrate to remember life before her, and I cannot imagine life without her. She hasn't yet had her 18 month check-up, so I don't know how much she weighs and how tall she is, but I'm going to estimate she weighs about 22 pounds and is close to 29 inches tall (if not a little taller). We've been really enjoying our wonderful weather with lots of play dates and trips to the park & zoo. She continues to be more and more curious about her surroundings. Last week I took her to the botanical gardens, and it was so much fun to see her explore on her own for awhile and get excited over some of the farm animals. Today I took her for a run, and she was pointing at things constantly and laughing and talking away. We tried coloring this month (as you can see). She had fun, but she also tried to eat the markers. Practice makes perfect? :) Zooey was moved up to the walker's class at church; she's becoming such a big girl, and it's all so bittersweet sometimes. She is officially down to one afternoon nap a day, unless she is just exhausted, in which case we'll do 2 or put her to bed early. I have the sneaking suspicion that she's getting her 2-year molars. Of course, molars take forever, but I can see some white under the gums and brushing her teeth has become a daily scream-fest. Zooey laughs at everything; I don't usually know what she's laughing about (traffic? red lights? trees? the dog?), but it's precious. She is such a sweet girl and a blessing. She is learning to be obedient and patient and how to pick up her toys. I pray for her everyday, that God will grow her to be a godly woman who follows Him with her all. Zooey is also very loving, and she will come up to me or Ryan to give us hugs and snuggles frequently while we're playing. Just today, she melted my heart by coming up to me out of the blue and giving me a hug and snuggle. Such a sweetie!

Zooey loves:

-bubble baths (yay! finally!)

-picking out books for bedtime

-ice cream!! (That pic of her screaming above? Yeah, that's when she had ice cream for dessert and I told her it was all gone.)

-books, books, books! She also loves story time at the library.

-aquarium/zoo. On our last trip to the aquarium, she was really into it, running back and forth between the tank and me, laughing up a storm. It was adorable

Zooey dislikes:

-There aren't any huge dislikes right now; however, we've hit that "picky eater phase" that most toddlers seem to go through. I definitely dislike this. :)

17 months

Zooey's 17 months old! Time flies at an incredible rate sometimes, doesn't it? Zooey is so much fun to be around! She's really a social butterfly, and she loves to be around the whole family; she totally hams it up for everyone. I just can't get enough of her, and I try to soak up each moment with her since they are so fleeting. Tonight she fell asleep on my chest before I had even done praying with her (she was exhausted, poor girl!). It was such a sweet moment and one of the ones I know I won't get forever. Another of my favorite times of day is when we get to play after her nap and before dinner. She's so cheerful when she wakes up, and she tells me lots of stories while she has her snack. Right now she's really into bringing me things to show them to me, and when she does, she likes to crawl onto my lap and have a snuggle before she hops off to bring me something else. She continues to love books and being read to, and often times books are what she spends her free play with. She will sit and flip through them or bring them to me and Ryan to read to her. Zooey is very attentive and loves to check everything out with the cutest look of concentration I've ever seen. We introduced Zooey to roomtime for her independent play, instead of having her do it in her playpen. the first few days were quite the adventure for her: diapers everywhere, wipes pulled out, the diaper genie knocked over...I don't even know how she thought about all that stuff! But, since we've picked up those items, she enjoys it and plays happily with a few toys. She's so precious, and being her momma is a huge joy.

Zooey likes:

~to walk out the front door and to the car like a big girl

~the park! She is Miss Independent and loves to try to climb the steps all by her self.

~her pink kitty cat she got from Grandma for Valentine's Day

~shoes (do I foresee a future problem?) :)

~to help clean up. She likes to clap to our "clean up song" and she puts everything on the shelf where her shoes go. She loves her shoes!

~dancing

~trying to find Mommy when I play hide and seek

~playing "monster Daddy!"

~to point out objects in books

~to wake Daddy up in the morning

Zooey dislikes:

~There's not much Zooey doesn't like at this stage, except being told no, but what kid does like that?

Zooey now:

~Says words that only Mommy and Daddy (and sometimes Grandma) can understand. She says "TaTa" for Tiny (our dog), "badada" for banana, "kikat" for kitty cat. She also says "gate," "cat," and "dog" pretty clearly.

~Something cute that Zooey does is laugh when we say something's silly. :)

A Personal God

Oh how I wish I could capture all the reminders that God is alive and present and working intimately in my life. I am deeply thankful that He has answered my prayer to open my eyes to see His comfort and what He has for me in the last few weeks. My mom decided to fore go further treatment, so the last week has been a rough one. My mom is a godly lady, and I know that she devoted much prayer to her decision. I also totally understand her choice. I would not want to be sick in bed for two weeks and have to get treatment every three, only to have one good week in between. That would not be a great way to spend the rest of this earthly life. I really feel that this choice sunk in with me last Tuesday, when I did my lesson and God revealed to me "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed. I will not yield my glory to another" in Isaiah 48:10-11. Saturday at Leader's, we sung, "Trust Him When They Wants Are Many," a hymn by Lucy A. Bennett, and the room got quiet at just the right time: "Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, trust Him when thy strength is small, trust Him when to simply trust Him seems the hardest thing of all." And to top that off, He gave me many words of comfort at our fellowship.

Monday I got a beautiful email in response to my prayer for healing of this icky sinus thing. It said, "Remember our God of great comfort and strength who gives comfort to His people Comfort, Comfort my people says your God. Is. 40:1 and Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will walk and will not faint. Is. 40:31. But when we don't think we can soar, walk or run one more step...He says 'I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'do not fear, I will help you.'"

The last few days have been filled with opposition on my time regarding my service to Him. I was late to BSF last night and a MOPS group this morning for which I made food for, because it just seems like everything hits when you need to go somewhere to do something for Him. I'm sick again, too, and my prayer in the car was something close to, although not verbatim, "God don't you see? How much more, Lord?" And how gracious is He to remind me He's here, He remembers and sees me with this AMAZING verse, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me" Isaiah 49:16. He also gave me vs. 13 "Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones."

So you see, I don't need to worry about my future or even the present. He's got it.

God is real. Jesus IS personal. He is a Promise Keeper who never breaks His promises.

16 months

Zooey's 16 months old! It's been an exciting month with lots of changes, mostly in Zooey's little personality. Zooey is definitely a little toddler now. She curiously approaches everything, usually in the manner of look, grab & go-go-go. I am beginning to understand why mommies of toddlers are always so tired. This is a very fun age, though, and I'm having a lot of fun showing Zooey new things and taking her places, because, unlike before, she really thinks about things and wants to take it all in. We're able to get more creative in the ways we entertain her to get her wiggles out, such as going to the park and playing in the back yard. She's walking really well now, so it's fun to take her somewhere and watch her explore. She likes the park a lot and is growing fonder of the swing; however, she is growing less fond of the sand and doesn't really like to touch it. We also had a "big" snow here for the first time in a long while, and to catch her reactions on camera was a blessing. She wasn't sure about it; she'd smile and laugh then kind of freak out and reach for me to pick her up.

We joined the Little Gym in January, and although her first attempts were tentative, she loves it now. She especially loves it when they blow bubbles or let out all the balls for her to play with. Zooey enjoys exploring the Little Gym just like everything else, and she's becoming more adventurous in her gymnastic feats. I feel very blessed to get to see her excitement over getting to do fun things like somersaults and rolls. She loves it, and her joy is contagious!

Zooey can now:

~clap when you ask her to or when she sees others clapping

~walk really well and even tries to go super fast before she freaks out and sits down :)

~gives us "snuggles" when we ask for them - we love this!

~can sign "please" and "bubbles"

~recognize people by name when asked and points to them, even in pictures. She gets super excited sometimes when we ask her if she wants to go see Grandma or RaRa or Daddy. :)

~She has now hit that toddler phase where she tests the limits, pulls everything down that she can reach, etc. She loves to discover new things!

Zooey loves:

~books, reading

~to pull her toys into her changing table in the morning before we come in

~she's really starting to get into stuffed animals & gives them snuggles

~Little Gym

~being outside

~laughing, and she will laugh or scream when we say something's silly

~tofu

~spaghetti sauce

Zooey hates:

~being told no (duh!)

~blanket time, even though I'm committed to it, because she is clearly a child who needs limits :)

Isaiah 40

God is so good. Seriously, all the time. I don't know what I would do or how I would live without Him; I cannot imagine going through my life without having His promises to hold onto, without His love to envelop me when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day.

The last two days have been hard. Last night at BSF, God just gave me some beautiful gems through the lecture and through the homiletics time with the kids. Today, I sat down and completed my lesson (Isaiah 40:12-31), and it was just such a blessing. My God, the One who measured the waters in His hand, who marked off the heavens with the breadth of His hand, holds me in those big hands. I am safe. I am cared for. Just knowing that He can do all that yet holds me tenderly with those big hands that control so much gives me a breath of His peace. My God hasn't forgotten about me. When I feel at a loss of what to do, or that things are out of control or I just want some guidance, He's the right person to go to, because He knows all and is all Powerful. If I just choose to look up to Him instead of around at my circumstances I see that He has brought out the starry host one by one "and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength not one is missing." How much greater is His care for human life than even His great care of the stars? He gives me just what I need, and when I feel beaten down by the world around me, by what's going on in my life and my family's lives right now, I know that He is my source of strength and energy. I know if the only amount of faith I have is to simply call out "Jesus" through my tears, that it is enough and He will transform it to renew my strength, soar on wings like eagles, run & not grow weary and walk and not be faint. And this is just what He did for me today. I am constantly amazed that on the days when I feel like I just can't walk this journey, and I wish I could just make it go away, that He opens a new viewpoint of His glory, His presence and His love just for me. Thank you, Lord, for the hope of this lesson today.

Isaiah 40:12-14 "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?"

Isaiah 40:21-22 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in."

Is. 40:25-26 "'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."

Is. 40:28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

15 months

Zooey's 15 months old. It seems like she's really becoming our little toddler now, physically and emotionally. Christmas was a lot of fun with Zooey this year. She really enjoyed the tissue paper and bows, and she tried to go after everyone else's gifts to pull the bows off. She's really becoming more independent, and even though she can't say what she wants or doesn't want, she's very clear about letting us know. She will for example, point to the bananas in the kitchen or to her toy kitchen. Or, she will throw a mini-fit when it's time to put on her jacket, take a nap, etc. when she doesn't want to. Although there are challenges with this age, I am really enjoying it. It is fun to watch her concentrate and try to do something, like build with her new blocks and see her master it a few days later. She is trying to get into everything and she is so smart. She is also very strong, maneuvering her dino-walker and little table all over the living room and hallway. I love to watch Zooey get a look of pride when she does what she was trying to do (like the picture of her pushing her table - she picked it up and turned it to bring it in the living room and was super proud of herself).

Zooey likes:

~to give kisses (she smacks her lips when we say kisses)

~these little cloth stacking cups she got for Christmas; she plays with them in her crib in the morning and tries to make a hat out of them

~books: being read to, flipping through them, pushing them on the ground

~to give "snuggles" and hugs our legs

~her new toy kitchen, and she likes to feed the baby doll with her toy spoon

Zooey doesn't like:

~getting her hair washed

~waiting (for food, mostly)

Zooey can now:

~toddle...she can walk about the length of our living room

~sign the word "eat"

~blow raspberries

Being a mom is an amazing job, and as always I'm just bursting with love and joy that I get to spend my days with this sweet girl.