16 months

Zooey's 16 months old! It's been an exciting month with lots of changes, mostly in Zooey's little personality. Zooey is definitely a little toddler now. She curiously approaches everything, usually in the manner of look, grab & go-go-go. I am beginning to understand why mommies of toddlers are always so tired. This is a very fun age, though, and I'm having a lot of fun showing Zooey new things and taking her places, because, unlike before, she really thinks about things and wants to take it all in. We're able to get more creative in the ways we entertain her to get her wiggles out, such as going to the park and playing in the back yard. She's walking really well now, so it's fun to take her somewhere and watch her explore. She likes the park a lot and is growing fonder of the swing; however, she is growing less fond of the sand and doesn't really like to touch it. We also had a "big" snow here for the first time in a long while, and to catch her reactions on camera was a blessing. She wasn't sure about it; she'd smile and laugh then kind of freak out and reach for me to pick her up.

We joined the Little Gym in January, and although her first attempts were tentative, she loves it now. She especially loves it when they blow bubbles or let out all the balls for her to play with. Zooey enjoys exploring the Little Gym just like everything else, and she's becoming more adventurous in her gymnastic feats. I feel very blessed to get to see her excitement over getting to do fun things like somersaults and rolls. She loves it, and her joy is contagious!

Zooey can now:

~clap when you ask her to or when she sees others clapping

~walk really well and even tries to go super fast before she freaks out and sits down :)

~gives us "snuggles" when we ask for them - we love this!

~can sign "please" and "bubbles"

~recognize people by name when asked and points to them, even in pictures. She gets super excited sometimes when we ask her if she wants to go see Grandma or RaRa or Daddy. :)

~She has now hit that toddler phase where she tests the limits, pulls everything down that she can reach, etc. She loves to discover new things!

Zooey loves:

~books, reading

~to pull her toys into her changing table in the morning before we come in

~she's really starting to get into stuffed animals & gives them snuggles

~Little Gym

~being outside

~laughing, and she will laugh or scream when we say something's silly

~tofu

~spaghetti sauce

Zooey hates:

~being told no (duh!)

~blanket time, even though I'm committed to it, because she is clearly a child who needs limits :)

Isaiah 40

God is so good. Seriously, all the time. I don't know what I would do or how I would live without Him; I cannot imagine going through my life without having His promises to hold onto, without His love to envelop me when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day.

The last two days have been hard. Last night at BSF, God just gave me some beautiful gems through the lecture and through the homiletics time with the kids. Today, I sat down and completed my lesson (Isaiah 40:12-31), and it was just such a blessing. My God, the One who measured the waters in His hand, who marked off the heavens with the breadth of His hand, holds me in those big hands. I am safe. I am cared for. Just knowing that He can do all that yet holds me tenderly with those big hands that control so much gives me a breath of His peace. My God hasn't forgotten about me. When I feel at a loss of what to do, or that things are out of control or I just want some guidance, He's the right person to go to, because He knows all and is all Powerful. If I just choose to look up to Him instead of around at my circumstances I see that He has brought out the starry host one by one "and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength not one is missing." How much greater is His care for human life than even His great care of the stars? He gives me just what I need, and when I feel beaten down by the world around me, by what's going on in my life and my family's lives right now, I know that He is my source of strength and energy. I know if the only amount of faith I have is to simply call out "Jesus" through my tears, that it is enough and He will transform it to renew my strength, soar on wings like eagles, run & not grow weary and walk and not be faint. And this is just what He did for me today. I am constantly amazed that on the days when I feel like I just can't walk this journey, and I wish I could just make it go away, that He opens a new viewpoint of His glory, His presence and His love just for me. Thank you, Lord, for the hope of this lesson today.

Isaiah 40:12-14 "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?"

Isaiah 40:21-22 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in."

Is. 40:25-26 "'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."

Is. 40:28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

15 months

Zooey's 15 months old. It seems like she's really becoming our little toddler now, physically and emotionally. Christmas was a lot of fun with Zooey this year. She really enjoyed the tissue paper and bows, and she tried to go after everyone else's gifts to pull the bows off. She's really becoming more independent, and even though she can't say what she wants or doesn't want, she's very clear about letting us know. She will for example, point to the bananas in the kitchen or to her toy kitchen. Or, she will throw a mini-fit when it's time to put on her jacket, take a nap, etc. when she doesn't want to. Although there are challenges with this age, I am really enjoying it. It is fun to watch her concentrate and try to do something, like build with her new blocks and see her master it a few days later. She is trying to get into everything and she is so smart. She is also very strong, maneuvering her dino-walker and little table all over the living room and hallway. I love to watch Zooey get a look of pride when she does what she was trying to do (like the picture of her pushing her table - she picked it up and turned it to bring it in the living room and was super proud of herself).

Zooey likes:

~to give kisses (she smacks her lips when we say kisses)

~these little cloth stacking cups she got for Christmas; she plays with them in her crib in the morning and tries to make a hat out of them

~books: being read to, flipping through them, pushing them on the ground

~to give "snuggles" and hugs our legs

~her new toy kitchen, and she likes to feed the baby doll with her toy spoon

Zooey doesn't like:

~getting her hair washed

~waiting (for food, mostly)

Zooey can now:

~toddle...she can walk about the length of our living room

~sign the word "eat"

~blow raspberries

Being a mom is an amazing job, and as always I'm just bursting with love and joy that I get to spend my days with this sweet girl.

It's a Sad Sad Sad Sad World

The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.

I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.

This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.

I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?

The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11

The Silence Of God

Concerned But Not Without Hope

My mom had her PET scan review with Dr. B (the oncologist) on Wednesday. The news is not so great. She apparently has a large pleurel effusion in her left lung lining, where the lobe they removed would be. She also has a mass showing metabolic activity and some new lymph node activity, including some in her neck. Dr. B & Dr. N (the pulmonologist) both feel that it is highly unlikely that these things alone and in combination are a result of the sarcoids, and they feel that it is a sign of cancer.

She had blood work yesterday, and today she had the procedure done to drain the fluid in her lung. They said the fluid was yellow, which apparently is a good color if there has to be fluid. She has to just kind of take it easy and not lift anything heavy for about a week. She will meet with Dr. B next Wednesday to discuss the results. Dr. B considers her lung cancer non-smoker's cancer and will test her past tumor (and if it's cancer this time) to verify what type of cancer it is. If it is the type that is related to a gene, there are two pills she can take daily, giving her approximately 18 mos. - 2 yrs. of life. If it is the other type of cancer, Dr. B estimates she has 3-8 mos. left, maybe more because my mom is young and in pretty good shape. In this case, they will offer her pallative care and a type of more mild chemo ("not a toxic kind" my mom said) and switch it once it stops working.

This news is so devastating to me. I don't understand why it's happening. It hurts so much, and of course the waiting is so hard. I feel like God has prepared me for this, whatever may come, though, through my study of Isaiah this year. Throughout the book He promises Christ's return and the hope we have that we will someday be with Him and our loved ones again. His compassion is so evident to His people throughout the chapters. God keeps bringing the truths and lessons to my mind as I pray and seek Him. From the notes last week: "God's purposes in discipline of His people are always change, reunion with Him, and restoration. Not all 'attacks' or stuggles are brought on by God in response to sin, but He uses hardships to make His own children resilient and focused in faith." (italics mine) There has been an ongoing theme that He has placed on my heart: Go to God first. Go to God no matter what the circumstance. The circumstance may not change, you may not understand, but go to Him who never changes and is in perfect control to offer you perfect peace. Go to the One who gave His life for you, so that you can experience His merciful compassion. Everything and everyone else offers a false sense of security; go to Him with your anxiety and your troubles. He doesn't change. He is JUST, He is FAIR when life isn't. He is ALWAYS there. These are the lessons I'm holding onto, because honestly, there's nothing else I can do. I'm praying so hard that He will heal her, that the cancer's not there, but I'm praying equally hard that if that's not His will that He will draw me closer to Him, help me to minister to my family and that He will hold each of us, especially my mom, so close that we can feel Him.

God has been so faithful to point things out to me when I open my Bible. Just this morning, when doing my lesson, I read "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." This is the promise that believers in Christ have to look forward to. Even when death is feared, there is hope in Christ.

We are in the full swing of the Christmas season. In eight days, we will be sitting around a dinner table with family and friends and opening gifts. Many of us will go to church, some of us may only go this one night a year. Will you take a moment this year to ponder what exactly it is you're celebrating? God Himself came to earth, put skin on and walked among us. He willingly stepped out of the perfection of Heaven in his Glory and placed Himself in this life - this life where there's so much pain, sorrow, suffering, all because of our sin - and then He willingly took a beating and died a gruesome death that we all deserve to die, so that each person who chose Him might be free. Free from sin, free to really live, free to have hope & peace in the midst of fear and pain. When we celebrate Christmas, we are celebrating the beginning of Jesus' life on earth, the miracle of God becoming Man, so that He could become the only Perfect sacrifice for you and for me. I pray that your Christmas is filled with His rich blessings, peace and Hope.

14 months

Well, Zooey's 14th month of life has come and gone, and as always I am amazed at how fast time flies and how much she changes in just a single month. We got to visit Ryan's family up in CO for five days, and while we were there we watched some video of Zooey when she was 7 weeks, 7 months and some that was taken throughout the week. She has grown so much! Sometimes when I look at her newborn pictures it's hard to believe that she's the same baby. Zooey is a very smart girl. She understands "no" and will usually stop doing what it is when we tell her not to. We put up our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, and from the first moment she looked at it and we told her "no touch" she hasn't tried to touch it one single time. She looks at it in awe and wonder, but she knows the rules. :) Every morning I sit with Zooey in her room while she has her milk & our "snuggle time," then I ask her if she wants to read her Bible. She looks at it and starts smiling and bouncing with excitement. I personally believe that children are much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, & I believe that Jesus shows Himself to these little ones. When I tell Zooey "Jesus loves you, Zooey," I usually get smiles and giggles in reply. It's so amazing and a huge privilege to be able to teach my sweet girl about Jesus and His love for her. I did a quick Starbucks run today and was telling Zooey the Christmas story as we drove; I was overcome by emotion that He entrusted me to raise her up in Him and that He cares SO incredibly much for her that He thought of her before she was even conceived...that He put on skin to live and die for her so that she can live eternally. I pray that God will use her mightily for His purpose.

Zooey loves:

-Banana

-Exploring new places (gym, church nursery); at the gym they call her "Miss Independent" and say she leaves a little trail of destruction in her conquest of the room. :)

-To feed herself table foods

-To snuggle before naps (I love this, too!)

Zooey dislikes:

-She still doesn't like naps or getting changed/dressed

Zooey now:

-has taken a couple steps on her own but still needs to work up her confidence level to walk :)

-signs "more"

-stands independently for longer periods of time

-Her hair's getting so long and pretty!