Running the Race

Prayer works!

2012-02-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have been praying for two years (ever since Ryan started at TSA) that God would protect his schedule for my ministry at BSF on Saturday mornings and Monday evenings, that God would allow Ryan to be able to attend church and that Ryan would have hours that allowed him to spend time with us as a family. God has been very faithful in protecting my BSF ministry; Ryan has always been able to watch Zooey on Mondays, and when I wasn't sure who was going to watch her every Saturday, God changed his hours. At that time, the hours also allowed him to come to church with us. At the beginning of the month, Ryan applied for a supervisor position. I spread the word to pray fervently for God's will in this. We found out last Thursday that he got the job! Praise God! What is really cool, and I'm still in awe over (because God is just so COOL and always blesses in abundance!) is what this job brings for our family.

~He'll be home around 3:30 every day. Home for dinner!! And BSF!!
~His schedule doesn't make him go in too early or too late, so he's not going to be sleep-deprived.
~His days off are Saturday and Sunday! BSF & Church are covered!
~He'll be able to take holidays off most of the time.
~He got a pay raise, of course, but honestly I'm so super excited about the other stuff, that this is just an additional blessing to us.

God is so faithful to us. Thank you Jesus! I'm loving this new gig you've given my husband!

Six Months Gone

2012-02-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

My mom has been gone from this earth for six months today.

I've been thinking about her a lot. Sometimes it's little things, like how I was remembering her love for "drama." I was reminiscing about the time there was an seemingly intoxicated person on one of the residential streets in our neighborhood who fell asleep on the side of the road. My mom called the police and waited until they came. We were with her in the car...I was probably about 15. Or the time my grandma's purse got snatched at the pool on my 12th birthday. After they found her purse in a dumpster, my mom, grandma, Sarah & I got all detective on the guy and basically started stalking the area looking for him. Probably not too safe, but we had fun. Other times I think about huge things she did for us, like pray for her family in detail and consistently ever since she became a Christian. Or how she stayed home to raise us and wanted nothing for us but that we know the Lord and follow Him well. Sarah and I both have had some separate issues in the last week that have just been overwhelming for each of us. She called me for her issue; I spoke to her about mine. We both agreed that it's just not the same as being able to pick up the phone and call our mom.

Half a year...who would've thought I'd make it this long? I sure didn't feel like it. I miss her so much.

28 Months

2012-02-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

It feels like I haven't posted about Zooey in forever! Zooey's now 28 months old. When I look at Zooey now, I see a little girl. The only time I really see remnants of the baby she was is when she's asleep with her little lip bottom pouting out. She is growing so fast! She's so beautiful, she always takes my breath away.

Zooey weighs 26.5 pounds, according to the scale at home. I'm not sure how tall she is, exactly, but she's almost outgrown all her 24 month pants and is growing quickly into her 2T's. 24 month shirts no longer fit her. Her hair is beautiful, red & curly and goes down to the middle of her back when it's wet. Her arms and legs no longer have those little baby rolls. Her smile is astonishing, and I love her belly laughs.

Zooey loves:
~belly tickles
~running (& she is absolutely adorable they way she bounces down the hall gleefully!)
~the Bible & Jesus; she asks to read her Bible all the time, and her favorite books are those with Bible stories
~saying NO (although we're not too fond of this one!)
~play doh
~bubbles, which we blow during bath time
~bath time, especially picking out & throwing her color tabs into the tub
~coloring; when her crayons are put away, she will usually run to the drawer in the hall, pointing and saying "color" for me to take them out
~tomato soup...soup was a first for her this month, and she'll only eat tomato (which by the way, I ate a lot of when I was pregnant)
~Yo Gabba Gabba

Zooey is now:
~Sleeping in a big girl bed. She transitioned pretty well. She still rolls out occasionally onto pillows on the floor, but I know she'll get used to those invisible boundaries soon enough.
~Speaking in more "jargon" versus babbling. (Zooey will begin speech therapy sometime next month. We'd appreciate your prayers for this, that we'd be quick learners in implementing new skills and practicing with her, and that she'd be comfortable with the therapist and learn quickly, too. She's incredibly smart, so I am very confident that she will catch on fast.)
~Saying the word no (did I mention that already?) and even running away when she doesn't want to do something we ask.
~She's also saying "Ya." Which I think is so adorable! "Zooey, did you have fun?" "Ya!" "Zooey, do you want some ice cream?" "YA!!"
~Going down all the slides at the park by herself. If you'll remember at the end of the summer, she had just gotten over her fear of slides. Now she conquers even the highest slide with bravery!

Zooey dislikes:
~For some reason, she gets upset when it's potty time. We think she just doesn't like to take the time out to go. She almost always says no, even when she has to go. A phase, I guess...
~Green veggies, which she used to love. I'm hoping this is a phase, too!

Laughing at Yo Gabba Gabba

checking out her new big girl bed

at a local playroom

Post-church Cracker Barrell brunch

Play Doh with RaRa

Night one big girl bed!

"Weee! I love slides!"

Playing at the kitchen sink with water - another new favorite

Checking out the mastadon skull at the museum

Dinner with family, flirting with Uncle Rey

at the indoor jump play place

Loving the slides!

I know I say it a lot, but I continue to be amazed with how fast time goes. Zooey's 2! Having a two year old is definitely challenging sometimes. Zooey is a strong-willed child, so there are moments I really want to pull my hair out and take my own time out. She wants to be independent so bad! But there are some very sweet moments, too, like when she wants me to color with her or sit down and play babies with her or do puzzles, and she comes up and grabs my finger or shirt saying, "Mama." Or the sense of pride I take in her pride over coming down the big slide or climbing on the couch without her stool (she's a shorty!). I have a confession to make: I've taken a couple of naps with Zooey in her big girl bed (something I swore I'd never do!). I am tucking her in sometimes and am so sleepy and say "one little snuggle," and before I know it, I'm waking up from a nap. Oh my! Defintely not a habit, but I have to admit, those snuggles are pretty great. She is just such a gift. There are no words to how thankful I am for her, for how much I love her. Being a mom is pretty great.

Having a Two Year Old is Awesome!

2012-01-28T17:24:00.001-07:00

I spent the morning at a local indoor play place for kids that's becoming a favorite of ours. It really struck me through conversation with a friend how much I love the age Zooey is at right now. It is such a fun age! Her imagination is really picking up, as is her attention span. Where as she used to spend time playing with one toy, then another and another and another all without any real focus, she will now actually pretend-play. We spent a good five minutes making "sandwiches" and another ten with her "feeding me" cookies dipped in chocolate sauce & peanut butter (even in pretend play, my kid knows what's up when it comes to food!). She also loved to sit and flip through a look & find book with me and even spent some time coloring on a chalk board with her little friend, Sybella. She took a stuffed bear up the ladder on the slide and pushed it down, laughing the whole time, before she herself went down. She "drove" a school bus for a good chunk of time. It just really is a fun age. Today was one of those days I wish I could bottle up and take out later to bask in. That's why I took a lot of pictures! To finish up our morning, we went to Chick-fil-A, where I had promised I get her an ice cream. As we shared our "girl's lunch," the sun was bouncing off Zooey's hair, and she smiled and carried on quite the conversation with me about her love of ketchup, and I realized again how incredibly blessed I am to be this little girl's mommy.

The Heart's Desires

2012-01-25T14:56:00.005-07:00

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." Psalm 37:4, NLT

I used to read this verse and think that if I followed all the rules, then God would give me what I want. Ha. Ha. Hahaha! I'm so blessed He's brought me past that wrong way of thinking. Because, guess what? Every time I didn't follow all the rules, I was totally broken and dismayed by my level of guilt, thinking my own inability to please God was the reason I wasn't happy. Romans 3:9b-12 says, "We have already made the charge that Jews & Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written, 'There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one." I could never - never, ever, never - please God on my own. Thank God that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and cover me with His grace, so that now when God looks at me, He sees Jesus' purity and accepts me into His family.

How does one "take delight in the Lord?" By reading His Word, by poring over it and making Him your passion. By carving out the time to form a real, personal relationship with Him just as you would do with your closest friend. What would happen if you didn't carve out time with your friend? The relationship would become stagnant, non-existent. What happens when you don't carve out time for God? You start seeking fulfillment and happiness elsewhere, you start looking for pleasures that abound in the world, but are fleeting and still leave you wanting. The relationship grows stagnant, and God lets you go out and explore...He gives you over to these temporary desires. But these desires, even the good ones (having a good career, finding the love of your life, having a child, making and keeping friends) are still all earthly things, so they still don't fulfill. So, what is God talking about when He says He'll give you your heart's desires? When we delight in the Lord, we start to see things from His Word, His will and His perspective. Simply put, our desires change. They begin to mesh with His desires for our lives, because His desires for us are best. He wants us to be free and at peace and find joy - even when we don't necessarily feel it. There will be hurts, there will be suffering; sometimes our deepest wants won't be met. But when we make God's desires the center of our heart for our lives, we will be fulfilled in a way that's indescribable. It's indescribably by human terms, because it comes from Him. It's why we can rejoice in suffering, because of the hope He offers.

No one can guess the secret will of God, and you know what? Sometimes it doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair and we just don't understand. The good news is: He does. And someday, when we give it over to Him, He'll show us why He arranged things just so. And we'll say, "Aha! I get it now!"

Waiting for Glory

2012-01-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

I titled this blog after Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I love how Paul uses running a race and staying strong and firm so many times in his words and letters. This morning, I read Acts 20:24, "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." This is the kind of life I want to lead. I want to love like Jesus loves. I want to turn from my sin and be pure and holy.

The Lord has really convicted me this morning of some sins I need to turn from. Gossip that sneaks into conversations, a bitter root that's been seeded and watered and is growing in my heart, unforgiveness...among other things. My prayer is that the Lord will help me to turn so fully from these sins that I am like the Ephesians who burned their scrolls of sinful sorcery, so they couldn't turn back to it even if they wanted to. They completely removed the temptation from themselves. (Acts 19:18-20). I am praying about how to do best do this, but I do know that part of it will include being bold in my obedience to Christ, even if others might be "offended" by my passion, even if others might call me obsessed or uptight. After all, the whole purpose of our lives here on earth is to be holy, set apart for God. Paul encouraged the Thessalonians in both of his letters to them to stay strong in God's word and remain obedient to Him. In 1 Thessalonians, the text that really stands out to me is "Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil." (1 Thes. 5:21-22). And in 2 Thessalonians 3:15, Paul writes, "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter." As a Christian, I am not to live this life as the world does, moment by moment, doing whatever feels good at the time, be it entertainment (movies, books, off-color jokes, drinking myself to drunkenness, etc.). I am also not to waste my time away in a saddened state, pondering the big Why's (why did my mom die? why does God allow babies to be raped and killed?). As a Christian, I am called to be passionate and obsessed with God's Word, with living a life that is God-honoring and looking toward Christ's return, living and working for Him. As I read this week, "A person who is obsessed with Jesus thinks about heaven frequently. Obsessed people orient their lives around eternity; they are not fixed only on what is here in front of them." (Francis Chan, Crazy Love).

What is this going to look like in my daily life? Well, one thing is for certain: Scripture makes it very clear to us that true belief in Christ requires obedience to Christ. To have received Jesus as Lord and Savior is shown by careful study and obedience to God's Word. I am so thankful that God has been helping me to get up each morning to spend time with Him before I go on with my day. I am thankful that He's revealed these sins to me and am asking Him to change me from the inside out. I am praying for courage in facing people who want me to compromise, or who may think the compromise isn't compromise but merely something harmless or that perhaps I'm being too uptight. While these words may hurt, I am convinced that having Jesus ask me why I went along with it, with tenderness in His eyes on His Day is going to hurt my heart a whole lot more. I want to make good choices today, no every moment, so that when He comes in Glory, I can be found watching and working for Him.

Christmas

2012-01-04T21:27:00.003-07:00

Christmas was different this year. (HELLO, Captain Obvious!) In addition to having some very rough moments, I also had so much joy in some moments I thought my heart would burst. I cried until my eyes were red and my pillow was covered in snot on Christmas Eve; the missing was horrible. But I awoke on Christmas more excited and happy than any Christmas morning I'd ever had as a kid; I couldn't wait to see Zooey experience it. We went to the candlelight service at our church on Christmas Eve (which was wonderful, always a favorite tradition for me) and then spent the night at my dad's eating posole. Christmas was also different in the fact that we just did different stuff. Zooey & I spent Christmas day at my sister Melissa's house, because Sarah & Ryan were working. It was so nice to spend some time with her and her family and get to just hang out. Ryan was off on Monday, so we had our time with Sarah & Rey & my dad on Monday. Overall, our Christmas was truly a time of joy and togetherness.

Checking out the new slide from Santa

Cinnamon roll breakfast - our family's Christmas tradition!

A new favorite - an easel from Mom & Dad

Zooey with her cousin Kate, checking out the hamster

MORE PRESENTS?!?!

2011-12-30T16:02:00.001-07:00

I miss my mom today. I was driving home after lunch and glanced at the clock. "1:38," I thought, "I'll call Mom; she's probably at lunch." I shook my head and realized all in one moment that she's not here. Oh, how I long that she could've seen Zooey on Christmas. I wish I could've talked with her about the ways Zooey's grown in the last year, how she really gets how to open a gift now, how cute she was on her slide that Santa brought her. I wish I could upload the video of Christmas morning and show her and see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. I wish I could take her to the places I take Zooey to play and explore. I just miss sharing life with her. I wish I could hear her tell me funny stories, or sing her silly songs to her dogs, or hear her tell me what she learned on Charles Stanley. It's the little things, you know?

I realized while I was journaling today that it's hard to really be real with people. They ask how things are going, I give a brief sentence answer. I usually change the subject. Why? I don't know. Grief feels very private to me. I feel...confused...right now. I will go several days and be fine. I will go several days and be very sad and feel very alone in my grief. I will be fine in the morning and a wreck before bedtime. Or fine in the morning and have a rough drive in the car with my memories. I can feel very confident in the hope I'll see her in heaven, but other moments feel so sad that I'll never see her here again. One day I still feel like she's just on a trip, the next it feels very final. My emotions are really all over the place, so that's why it's hard to be real. That's why I think I change the subject and can't open up, even though there are times I desperately want to. I appreciate your prayers, though. Thank you so much for that!

I also realized today that I've been struggling being real with God. Which is kinda' funny to me, because I'm the one to always encourage people to be real with God, because He already knows everything, anyway. The thing is, I think I'm trying to hide. I think I want to pretend I'm ok sometimes, even when I feel Him prompting me to come to Him with my tears. I don't want to face it, so I ignore Him. Not the proper response. It was so freeing for me to come to Him today and be refreshed with the knowledge that He DOES know, He knows it all - my joys, my sorrows, my fears, my doubts and apprehensions. He knows I just want to be done with the hard stuff and move on. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works, so He encourages me to pick up my Bible, to bow my head to pray, even when it is hard. He wants to bind up my broken heart and heal my crushed spirit, but that kind of repair takes time. If surgeries can last 12 hours, why do I think God will fix me up in a mere 5 months from such damage? It's going to take time, but God is the author of time, so I can trust He has big plans for it. Even in the lowest points, even when it sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced, I can honestly say I'm excited to what He has for me on the other side.

Christmas

2011-12-25T21:48:00.004-07:00

Although a post is sure to follow with pictures and updates of Zooey and family and everything else, the number one reason we celebrate Christmas is CHRIST. Our pastor shared a bit of this in church this morning, and I found it on the internet and just had to share. I feel that this explains the meaning of Chistmas so well. May Christ bless you as you approach this new year, and may you know THIS God and grow closer to Him. Love, Amber, Ryan & Zooey

The Message of Christmas

“This God could put on eyebrows and kneecaps, tear ducts and saliva glands.

This God could be born under the tyrants Augustus and Herod.

This God could accept the smells of shepherds, and the extravagancies of political emissaries.

This God could start life a vulnerable hunted child born into scandal.

This God could grow up under foreign domination and among terrorists and outcasts.

This God could sit in the street playing marbles.

This God could wear with pride the calloused splintered hands of an honest workman building the houses and fixing the furniture of half-castes, outcasts and bigots.

This God could ask his cousin to baptise him along with the rest of the crowd.

This God could make the best vintage Pinot Noir or Cabernet Sauvignon even when the guests were too drunk to know the difference.

This God could befriend a bloke in a tree with small man syndrome.

This God could enjoy a sinful woman washing his feet, giving her his full and undivided attention, and ignoring the eye-rolling of lawyers and theologians.

This God could spend a whole night making a whip to crack over the backs of con artists who rip-off the poor.

This God could wrap the greatest truths in the simplest stories, and put a sting in the tail of every yarn.

This God could let himself hang on a tree, nails tearing at his sinews, every muscle screaming, the weight of the world upon his shoulders, life slowly draining away.

This God could invite women to be the first to know that he was back.

This God could delay his own glorious homecoming long enough for a bite of breakfast on the beach and a yarn with an old mate to let him know there were no hard feelings and to pass on his mantle.

This God could take his own story and give it the most surprising ending.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God could reach into the crevices of my soul to bring to life the longings I smother so pathetically and recklessly with shame and excuses.

This God could raise me up to life with him.

This God could give me every blessing he could give himself.

This God could draw me out of my petty self-interest and sad little excuses without even a hint of a ‘tut-tut’, a frown, or a patronising smile.

This God could be more infuriating and fascinating and gobsmacking than any god I could ever make up.

This God could love my obsessiveness and overlook my forgetfulness.

This God could laugh and cry with me, and come play with me.

This God could make me his glory.

This God could love me.

This God could make my heart good.

This God could trust me.

This God could never be safe, but always be good.

This God, this God, is worth knowing.

This God I want to know.

This God I know in the face and Spirit of Jesus.”

I found this on the blog, "Knowing Narnia," at http://iosa.tumblr.com/. This post was titled "The Message of Christmas" and was dated 12/15/11.

26-27 Months

2011-12-23T22:08:00.001-07:00

Wow, how time flies. I completely forgot to do Zooey's 26 month update at the beginning of December! It's been a busy month for us, getting ready for Christmas and doing triple the shopping (Sarah & I went shopping on behalf of my dad and grandma) and triple the wrapping. It honestly feels like such a blur. So, here are some things to catch you up on Miss Zooey.

Zooey really enjoyed Thanksgiving and ate almost a whole plate of food! Her favorite was the cranberries. She LOVES the Christmas tree and outside lights we put up. She had so much fun hanging ornaments and kept laughing, smiling and yelling, "tree!" She's also been very good, leaving the tree and the presents alone.

Zooey is obsessed with her baby dolls! She carries one around almost all the time, and she loves to feed them, give them kisses, snuggle and sleep with them, push them in the stroller and do lots of other things with them (like throw them on the floor and laugh). She walks around happily babbling and saying "baby" over and over again, and we can almost never leave the house without one of her precious babies. We've started to name them, because she has about six, and she always wants a different one.

We had snow a few times that actually stuck a little to the ground, so she was pretty excited about that. She liked to touch it with her finger and try to put it on my finger. She doesn't like to walk on it too much, though, but maybe that's because when we had that icky slush I told her it was slippery.

Zooey's getting more into imagination play (as mentioned above with her babies), and she also has her babies pet her toy animals or give them kisses. She has been enjoying building with her blocks, she still loves crafts (although she seems to be on a coloring hiatus right now, preferring stickers, paint and glue) and she's also getting into puzzles. In fact, second to her babies, she probably spends most of her free play doing her puzzles and pegboard. We've continued daily story time, and her favorites continue to be her Bible stories. She loves to play with her Christmas nativity toy as I tell the story. She's also begun to enjoy longer books more and seems to be able to pay attention a little longer. She loves to point out things in the stories as I read and ask her where/what things are.

I've mentioned before that Zooey isn't really into TV, but that's changed in the last month or so. We don't let her watch too much, but she does get about 20-45 minutes of TV time per day, and her favorites, in order, are Yo Gabba Gabba & Play With Me Sesame. We've started a new routine in the morning where we go snuggle with Daddy when he wakes up and we watch PWMS. Zooey loves being the one to wake Ryan up, and Ryan & I enjoy having a little quiet time as a family. Today, she must have been very tired, because she slept in until 9:00, which allowed me to doze a little longer, too. When she got up, we had extra TV snuggle time and just kind of chilled out. It was relaxing and nice to have those cuddles!

The biggest thing that's happened in the last month, which has taken up a lot of our focus and is probably why it seems time went so fast, is potty training. The first weekend in December, Zooey asked to go potty at church and went! So, we started potty training that afternoon. That first week was ROUGH to say the least, but now she is doing very well and is in panties except for naps & nights. She's actually been dry & clean for naps for almost a week, so I'll probably change her to panties for naps this week, too. She's so funny; she was so proud of herself and loves her Elmo potty seat so much that she has tried to kiss it multiple times! Stay tuned for an update on our next big change: the big girl bed, which we are transitioning to next week.

Zooey is such a sweet, loving girl, always snuggling up or giving kisses and cuddles in the midst of her playtime. She's happy and confident and not easily scared or hurt - she's a toughie. She bounces back quickly from disappointment, except maybe when she's tired or hungry. Another cute story: at church on Sunday, her little buddy Sybella was having a minor breakdown, and when Sybella's mom went to get her, she said Zooey was sitting there patting Sybella with a very concerned look on her face. This is my empathetic, caring little girl! That made my heart so proud. She's a joy to mother and to be around; she's my little buddy. :)

Zooey with her little friend, Sybella

"Ya, I'm cute."

Big girl knows how to climb up in her own seat now

Saying "hi" to Aunt RaRa at work. She loves RaRa, if you can't tell from the big smile.

"Tree!!!"

Having some fun at a local indoor playroom

Exploring at the children's touch museum

(I detest Barney) but Zooey loves him

Zooey self-soothing by twirling her hair to fall asleep - just like me, Grandma & RaRa!

And last but not least, here's a slideshow of the 2-year prints I'm putting up in the house. My friend Carmelita took them, and they are so pretty!

Growing Up...A Mother's Heart

2011-12-22T23:52:00.001-07:00

Zooey's been potty-training the last two and a half weeks. She's doing very well and is now in panties except for nights and naps, soon only nights. Another big change is coming, too - we're going to convert her crib to a "big girl bed." While we thought we'd wait, it occurred to us that we have a trip coming up in February, & she's simply too big for the pack n' play now. We'd like her to adjust to a bed before our trip.

Oh my, how my baby girl is growing up. My mother's heart swells with pride and reluctance at this. Do I miss the 2am feedings? No, but as my girl grows more independent with every passing day, I sure miss the bliss of her snuggling up on my chest and falling asleep. Do I miss hauling a baby carrier around everywhere? Not really, but I'm sure I'll always wish I could strap her in or cover her up against people I don't think she should be around or the elements of life. I beam in joy at all her accomplishments, at her pride over all the things she's learning to do on her own, but I wince at the pain that sometimes comes with the learning curve and wish I could somehow shelter her from that part. Of all the frustrations we moms face in toddlerhood, how often do we stop and reflect on what a sweet, short time it is?

I can't help but wish I could ask my own mom what it felt like for her to move through these milestones at what feels like light speed...did she stop with the same bittersweet pauses? Were her tears mingled with the same pride and nostalgia? Knowing her, I'm sure they were. I wonder if Zooey will grow up as I have and sometimes reminisce and wish she could go back to being little like I do, to snuggle on with my mom with no greater care than what book to choose for story time.

Growing is hard to watch and hard to do, but necessary. It involves letting go, something is humans are generally not too find of. Hopefully I can do it in a God-honoring way and cherish every second as I watch.

25 months

2011-11-18T21:54:00.001-07:00

Cute stuff:
-She takes her socks off for naps and bed, because she doesn't like to sleep with socks on.
-When she gets excited, she runs in place; this is also how she dances.
-She thinks it's super funny to have her underarms tickled.
-She loves the leaves that are falling and picks them up everywhere! This is often a challenge in parking lots, but most of the time it's cute to see her squeal with joy at every new leaf she comes across.
-When we ask her what a dog or cat says, she sticks out her tongue and tries to "lick" like a dog or cat would when they're drinking water. She also tries to pant for a dog.
-She's getting more social and curious about the other kids we hang out with. She likes to give them hugs and often watches them playing or tries to play "with" them.

New Stuff/Big girl!
-Zooey can now climb on one of the couches without a stool.
-She has two of her 2-year molars (the bottom ones), and I didn't even know she had them until I got a peek inside her mouth two weeks ago!
-She's enjoying more "imagination play," like caring for her dollies and stuffed animals.
-She's enjoying TV a little more and enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba and is starting to get into Sesame Street.
-It seems like she's trying to form more words; her babbling is more complex, and it sounds like she's saying sentences, although we don't know what they mean. :)
-I've taken Zooey to the aquarium and zoo a couple of times in the last month, and she's really interested in the animals now. Before she would kind of look more at the exhibits or the bushes, but now she tries to find the animals I'm pointing to and she smiles when she sees them. On the same note, she's starting to sit still at the library (yay!) for most of the time we're there. She is also beginning to try to do the movements to songs we learn there or on her kid's CD's.

I've decided to add a short bit about new stuff we've added or changes in regards to our routine (notes for next time...):
-Because we've been trying to read to her more to increase her language, but she won't sit still, I've added "story time" 20 minutes before her bath. Most nights she sits still for this, and as a plus, it seems to help her wind down a little more, too.
-Zooey never really slowed down too much on her food in her 2nd year, but it seems like she's starting to slow down. The last two weeks she hasn't eaten as much as has been "normal" for her in the past.

Zooey is a such a source of joy! Even if I was working right now outside the home, I think I'd find it very hard to get motivated some days to get up, get out of bed and get moving. I think I'd want to lay in bed and wallow in my grief. As it is now, I am usually filled with joy and the blessing of caring for her every day. This is another way I marvel at God, His gifts and His perfect timing. Because I have Zooey, this little person fully depending on me to get her diaper changed, get her fed, love on her, etc. I have such a purpose in my daily life that cannot be ignored, yet it is more than obligation - she gives me so much joy, even on the tough days with temper tantrums and non-stop boundary-pushing. If you know Zooey, you know she is a very sweet, loving little girl. She is certainly independent, but she loves to come up and rest her head on you for a quick snuggle or give us a little kiss. She is generally obedient most of the time (I hear the three's are killer!), and she is my little "buddy;" I love hanging out with her and just watching her grow into her own little self. I'm just so thankful for her!

watching TV & eating breakfast

Steelers vs. Cowboys :)

2011-11-18T21:30:00.001-07:00

I wish I could hear my mom's voice. I read a note from her today, and I could almost hear her saying the words. I'm scared I will forget her voice. I wish I could give her a big hug and breathe in her smell...that smell of fresh laundry, a hint of perfume, clinique makeup and "clean." I'm scared I will forget this, too. I remember her tucking me into bed when I was little, leaning over and giving me a kiss. I remember her smell and her saying "I love you." I remember her coming in my room in the morning to wake me up as I got older and singing "Good morning, good morning, good morning; it's time to rise & shine," and whipping the blinds open, letting the sun hit me in the face, then yanking my covers off me. (I'm not a morning person.) At the time that really made me mad, now it makes me smile. I remember her leading me to the Lord on my bedroom floor, holding my hands. I remember her stroking my hand with her thumb while she held it tightly in the car, while I watched raindrops slide down the windshield on the way to the mall one time. I remember her conspiring in the kitchen with me & Sarah, making my dad a cup of hot water and telling him it was coffee, because he told her that she made coffee too weak and it tasted like hot water. I remember when she was pregnant with Sarah, how I got to feel kicks as my mom lay on the couch, she held my hand against her belly. I remember going to see Sarah in the hospital and my mom looked so tired....but she still gave me a tight hug. I remember she used to let me & Sarah have "slumber parties" with her on some nights when my dad was out of town at the auction; I loved snuggling up with them in her bed. I remember laying my head on her lap on the couch at night while we watched TV, and she'd play with my hair. She used to do my hair for drill team and ROTC. She did my hair and makeup for almost every school dance, she helped me pick out a dress and she took lots of pictures. I used to call her every week after church or about my BSF lesson and talk to her about it. I miss her input; she was so wise. I loved my mom's laugh. It was contagious, full of joy, she really enjoyed humor. I remember even in the end, when I lay with her in bed, she still smelled like her. She whispered, "I love you." I know this post was a bunch of rambling, but I have to hold onto these memories. I have to be able to go back & reread them when I can't think of anything but the illness making her weaker. Otherwise, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel afraid that I won't remember anything good.

What's so hard, what's sometimes hardest of all, and if you're close to your mom, you'll get this - I wish I could call her and talk to her about my feelings. I wish I could tell her how crushed I am that, how the grief overwhelms me sometimes and leaves me feeling so sad and alone in the pain. She was my mom. She always knew just what to say or do...sometimes it was just an "I know," or "I love you." Sometimes she'd send me a card or call me the next morning to make sure I was ok after I faced heartbreak. When I went through my divorce, when I was crushed and betrayed, she drove up to CO to see me the very next day after it happened. She held me; that was enough. A mom is a mom, you know? No one and nothing can quite comfort you the same way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to everyone, but that loss of having her to talk to hurts so much. It wasn't just the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Like when Zooey does her little bouncy dance, or I want to send her a picture text of sleeping Zooey (those were some of her favorites), or when Zooey loved the smarties on Halloween, just like her grandma did...I can tell someone else, but it's just not the same.

I know my posts have been a little "down" lately, but please understand that writing is what helps me through when I feel this way. It helps to get this out...and just like I started this blog to work through all my pregnancy neurosis, I continue to write to work through my emotions. Thank you for running this race alongside me. Facebook is removing the capacity to automatically upload and sync my blog to FB, so if you've been following on FB and would like to continue following the blog, here is the link: http://souledoutgirl.blogspot.com/.

Wrestling with Grief

2011-11-16T14:20:00.001-07:00

I feel like the process of grief is something like a mental & emotional wrestling match. One where my brain sees or hears something (a grandma with her grandchildren, a friend mentioning Thanksgiving plans with their mom, me & Sarah needing to do the Christmas shopping for my dad) and then does it's job and tries to process all the thoughts and emotions that go with it. Then I manage to wrestle all that yuckiness back down until it comes pouring out about once a week in a period of depression & tears.

C.S. Lewis wrote of grief in his book A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . . An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . . And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . ."

I relate. I've always been a bit ADD-ish or something, but lately I've been frustrated with my lack of focus and concentration. I've been especially frustrated when I sit down to read my Bible and I re-read the same lines over and over and over...and still have yet to take anything in. I was praying this week about why it's been so hard for me to focus lately. I realized then that it's because of this internal wrestling match, that in the quiet times I probably do need to do a little processing, yet I keep trying to ignore it. Why? Oh, I don't know...probably because like any other human being on the planet, I hate pain. I relate also to what he says about being around others. I want people to "say something about it," and yet, I don't. I want to cry, to have someone hug me and tell me it will all be ok, but I choke all this back inside, because I don't know how to talk about it and just cry around others. I want to share my grief with others, but it is also intensely private.

I know that to move on, though, I must cry. I must face it and stop wrestling with it. So, when I finally do submit to the emotions and the thoughts, I give it to Jesus. I crawl onto His lap and cry. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" - Psalm 34:18.

2011-11-13T07:21:00.001-07:00

I kid you not, I seem to face my grief from Friday to Sunday every week. I used to think my "grief attacks" only happened on the weekends as something to oppose the work God has for me to do. I'm beginning to realize, however, that God is allowing me to be in His presence, just where He wants me to be, at my most vulnerable moments. The things He's taught me & the ways He's encouraged me over the last few weekends are a true testament to how personal & intimate He is. Two weeks ago, I was all teary eyed over something silly, like remembering how my mom enjoyed her coffee or something, and I kept asking God, "Do you see? Are you here?" I go to church to hear our pastor say, "God suffers with us. Jesus relates 100%. He loves us. No one understands like He does. God knows grief is great; He can be trusted. In the midst of waiting, we can trust God because of Christ's sacrifice." Last week, we were up in NC visiting some friends. The week before, I was struggling with heaven. I don't know why, but sometimes it's just hard for me to have faith in heaven's reality. Grief attack Sunday morning while getting ready. I sit down at church with Ryan & our friends, and the pastor begins his sermon entitled "What's Next?" a sermon about heaven from Rev.21: what will be there (JESUS, pleasure, answered questions, perfected relationships, indescribable beauty) and what will not be there (praise God! NO death, NO sorrow, NO crying, NO tears, NO pain - physical or emotional). God is so good to meet us right where we are. Jesus is real. He is God. He is present, alive and He cares about you.

A Fun F Project

2011-10-23T18:14:00.001-06:00

I haven't posted on my love of the "-Wise" series in awhile, but I do continue to love these books. I've read Babywise, Pre-Toddlerwise, and Toddlerwise and continue to find numerous things I can implement into raising Zooey. One thing I've really started doing in the last two months is learning time. You can read about learning time in Todderwise. Zooey really likes crafts, so I work this into our day when she wakes up from nap. Using Val's ideas for learning time over at http://www.babywisemom.com/, I do a letter, number, color and shape of the week. This week I've been teaching Zooey the letter F, the number 5, the color orange and star shapes. This activity kind of incorporates all the things except the shape. Zooey had a lot of fun using the glue stick, which is great for her fine motor skills and teaching her cause and effect, and this is a cute craft! While we worked we talked about the orange paper, counted the flowers, talked about the different shapes and paid attention to the letter F.

What you'll need:
green card stock
scissors
card stock for color of flowers
card stock for background
green marker
glue stick
Marker or crayon of different color

If you're using a Cricut:
cut out 5 flowers on the George & Basic Shapes cartridge (I used varying sizes, so I could teach Zooey about contrasting shapes)

cut out 5 circles in different colors (I used 1")

cut 1" letters (FLOWERS) & numbers (12345)

Step one:
Prep supplies. Cut out flowers (or draw and let older children cut out). Cut green paper to fit bottom of background page; cut "grass" strips.

Step two:
Cut grass to bottom of background page.

Step three:
Draw stems for flowers.

Step four:
Glue flowers to stems:

Step five:
Glue circles to flower centers:

Step six:
Glue numbers 1-5 on flowers, or write 1-5 on flowers if you did not use the Cricut. Glue the word Flowers on the "grass" at the bottom of the page. You're finished! Display artwork for all to see. :)

An Eternal Perspective

2011-10-18T07:37:00.001-06:00

I've never been falsely imprisoned. I've never been severely flogged with 40 lashes minus one, let alone been flogged five times. I've never been beaten with a rod, stoned, shipwrecked or spent the night tossed about in the sea. I've always had a home, have never been constantly on the move because of the threat of danger of people or land or sea. I've never gone naked or hungry or severely thirsty. I've never had to narrowly escape death through a hole in my city's wall.

2 Corinthians 11:23-12:12 reads:

"23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.

29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.31 The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying.32 In Damascus the governor under King Aretas had the city of the Damascus guarded in order to arrest me.

33 But I was lowered in a basket from a window in the wall and slipped through his hands.

2 Corinthians 12

1 I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord.2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know–God knows.3 And I know that this man–whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows–4 was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell.5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.

6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.

7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

11 I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the “super‑apostles,” even though I am nothing.12 The things that mark an apostle–signs, wonders and miracles–were done among you with great perseverance."

Wow, right?!

I've been praying for an eternal perspective. God gave me a glimpse of that this morning as I studied this. I've never suffered like Paul has for the Gospel. I cannot even imagine that type of suffering, let alone being able to say I rejoice over it! I find myself instead complaining and questioning the things that I face that are not comfortable. My "thorn," which is my anxiety, is something I have questioned God about enduring many time over the last seven years, pleading Him to take it time and again and being upset over why He can't do just that. I've finally accepted that, but what amazing obedience Paul shows here - he says he pleaded with God three times to take his thorn from him. After Jesus told him that HIS grace is sufficient, Paul doesn't ask about it again, yet chooses instead to boast in his weakness. I continue to ask God for understanding about my mom's death. Even though I have many wonderful memories right up to the hour she died of my mom, I sometimes find myself focusing on the hard memories, like her illness and the moment she died. Like I heard someone say last week about Stephen & James being persecuted to death for the sake of Christ (Acts 7, Acts 12), God may not have delivered Stephen & James the way Peter was delivered in Acts 12 from prison (freed by an angel to continue doing God's work), but they were still delivered. And you know what? These men were delivered in a far better way that Peter or Paul from his sufferings he lists above - Stephen & James were delivered right into the arms of Jesus, just as my mom was. It is important that I keep an eternal perspective. God's got my mom now, and I can trust that I'll see her someday. Jesus will strengthen my faith and my ministry through the emotional and physical sufferings that I am now and inevitably will endure on this planet. In my weakness, however, He is strong. He is mighty. He is unstoppable. I want to be a part of His purpose. I want to look to Him, not everything around me. I want my mantra to be, "God use me, use this circumstance," rather than, "why God, why?." God is so good to answer our prayers in a mighty way; I've seen it time and again in His Word, the lives of others I know and in my own life. Although I may not ever see the answers to some of my prayers for understanding this side of heaven, I know that (if I still even care when I get there) He will answer abundantly someday. God, will you please use me until then?

Zooey is 2 years old!

2011-10-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

Two years ago today (Oct. 7), we brought our precious baby girl home. Looking at her now, it is hard to imagine she was ever this small.

Zooey on her first day home

Zooey is truly no longer a baby. She's a little "big" girl now. Her birthday party was so much fun, and I'll do a separate post on it later, with pictures. For now, and update on miss Z and all the things going on with her. At her two year well-check, she weighed 25 pounds and is now 32 inches tall. She's currently wearing a 24 month in most brands of clothing, but sometimes can fit into a 2T. She wears a size 5 shoe and size 4 diaper. She's losing all those delicious baby rolls she had and is definitely leaning out. Her hair comes down to almost the middle of her back when it's wet, but it's very curly, so when it dries it looks about shoulder length.

Zooey is very busy and very active! She loves to play outside. In particular, she loves the park. I don't know if I mentioned she was afraid of slides for awhile, but she overcame her fear in the last month and now enjoys even the tall, fast slides.

Another thing Zooey loves to do is any kind of crafts. She loves to color, glue, paint and use stickers to make art. Once she's done with a project, she takes it proudly to the kitchen and hangs it up on the fridge. She's been learning her alphabet and can pick out the letters we've learned from her letter magnets.

Zooey is very affectionate. She gives her friends and family lots of hugs and snuggles. When we're in the grocery store, she likes to hold my hand as I push the cart and sometimes leans into me to give me a quick snuggle. She's also affectionate with the animals, and while the cats are not really too fond of the way she shows love, Tiny eats it up. Tiny gets so excited to see Zooey in the morning that he runs down the hall, body shaking, and attacks Zooey with kisses. Sometimes she doesn't really like being jumped on, but she laughs and pets him all the same. One of her little friends is named Bella, and she gets very excited when we talk about her, and she will exclaim, "Beba!" She also loves her friend Payton, whom she calls "PayPay." Adorable! I love this age and how she's starting to form bonds with people and remember them when they're not around. While I know she did this before, it's really special to hear her talk about her little friends.

Zooey has begun to mimic us quite a bit. She will copy both our words and our actions. She likes to clean, for example, when I'm wiping something off or she'll hold her play phone up to her ear when I'm on the phone. She also uses her imagination and playacts quite a bit. She will put the dolls in her little doll house on the potty and say "potty." She pushes her little dolls or animals around in the stroller and likes to cover them up or feed their bottle.

Just like it's sometimes hard to remember how small she was, it's also sometimes hard to remember my life before her. This girl has brought so much joy to our hearts and our lives, and I am so incredibly thankful to know her. It has been my joy to watch her grow from someone so small and helpless into this little person over the last two years with her own personality, likes & dislikes and independence. It's amazing to watch her learn and to see how she processes everything that's new to her everyday. I love her so much, and so does her daddy, whom she continues to be the biggest fan of.

The Party

2011-10-06T20:16:00.000-06:00

Zooey had her party last weekend, and it was a lot of fun. She had family & most of her little friends over, and they enjoyed playing in the back yard, coloring at her little table and running around. We did a Blue's Clues theme, because that's the character Zooey seems to enjoy the most right now. We had hamburgers & hot dogs for the adults and chicken nuggets for the kids. My friend Melissa made two gorgeous cakes - she has SERIOUS talent - and my friend Carmelita took all the pictures, which was such a huge help to me & Ryan. There were a ton more pictures, but I chose these ones to show. She got lots of fun stuff (as you can see), and I think she really got the concept that the day was to celebrate her. And she got to open presents and eat cake. :)

2011-10-04T16:10:00.000-06:00

Something just doesn't feel right. That's how I feel a lot of the time, just that sense that something is off. Then I'll realize it's because my mom isn't here anymore. I can't explain it other than that...I wonder, sometimes, is there something wrong with me, because I don't cry as much as I thought I would be - as I think I should be? I think it's just that things hurt, and it never seems like a good time to let it all pour out. Sometimes it's a random beautiful, joyful moment that makes me almost pick up the phone, and I don't want to let the sadness overcome the joy, so I let it go for that time. Sometimes it's just that I'm too busy, or I'm driving...or something...and I can't cry right then. Other times, it's because I'm in the middle of a prayer, and oh, I still ask God "Why?" a lot, but I just want to go to sleep. Sounds a lot like denial now that I'm typing it out. I'm told by my counselor that I'll go through grief and think I'm done, then I'll probably have a big bout of depression, then I'll reach final acceptance. Tomorrow at 10:31am, my sweet girl turns 2. Wow, I don't think I even realized until right this moment how much it hurts that my mom isn't here. I mean, there were some moments at her birthday party, and of course I've been thinking about it, but it just hit me how much it hurts. When Zooey was born, my mom left the room to let me and Ryan have some time with her, but before she did, she leaned down and gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "You did so good. I'm so proud of you!" I miss her. I missed talking with her about what I was planning for the party and how when I asked Zooey how old she was going to be, she holds up her hand saying "4," because she can't quite do "2." I'm dreading the holidays this year, because I know Zooey's birthday is just the first of many firsts that I have to go through, and they are all going to hurt. How can it be almost 2 months? How is that possible? It's so weird, because it seems like yesterday and forever at the same time.

2011-10-01T14:16:00.001-06:00

Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic, because my baby is almost TWO, but today's one of those days I have taken many mental snapshots and hope to remember until I'm old and gray. I ran to the park with Zooey and watched her climb the steps and go down the slide. I watched as she held hands with a little five-ish year old girl and gave her and several other kiddos a hug with a giant smile. She's such a loving girl. On the way home, I pointed out the leaves turning yellow and the fresh fall air, and she kept pointing at the "ree's" on our walk. She kept looking up at me through the mesh on the stroller, smiling and yawning, and I realized how beautiful she is for about the millionth time. At home, I watched and listened as she ate her lunch with intense concentration, "Mmmmm"-ing with each bite, especially her raspberries, because my girl loves her fruit. As we did a small craft after lunch, I smiled at her uncontrollable joy over using the glue stick and sticking feathers and tissue paper on a paper plate. She bounced up and down and squealed when she got to pick out new feathers. She walked around in her little art smock that no longer goes down past her knees, and I saw how much she's growing up. We snuggled on the couch, and I got to hear her say starfish as we read one of her favorite books, "Have You Ever Tickled a Tiger?," which was a gift from my mom. And, when the timer went off, she gleefully squealed again, looked at the timer and went to her room for some more pre-nap snuggles. My Zooey is such a joy to me; I pray I cherish days like today and get a whole lot more of them. The joy in her little smile over something like a glue stick is so contagious...I'm incredibly thankful she's my daughter. She inspires me to find more joy in the little things. It's been such a wonderful day - what a sweet blessing!

Hope

2011-09-20T20:38:00.000-06:00

“Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent” Mignon McLaughlin

I read this on a blog the other day, and I think it's beautiful. I've been missing my mom like crazy the past couple of days. Little things are making me cry..."The Best Day" by Taylor Swift on my iPod, Zooey saying all kinds of new words this week and not being able to tell her, Zooey eating a stick of gum - wrapper and all - and swallowing it and not hearing my dad retell the story to her, her laughter that would follow such a story. I wish she could see all the artwork Zooey's been bringing home from her outings. I missed calling her after BSF last Monday to tell her how the first class night went, how many students I had and what touched me from the lecture...or on Saturdays after leader's to chat; that was one of the times we always talked (if she wasn't at my house already babysitting Zooey). I caught a GI bug that Zooey and Ryan both had in the last two weeks. I also started my role as a MOPS discussion group leader...my stomach started really hurting right when I got to the church (can anyone say opposition?? but that's off topic). I SO wanted to call my mom and be a big baby and whine about how I'm not feeling good. I also wanted to tell her how MOPS went; I know if she was here she'd be excited to hear about it. No matter if she came over or not, my mom was, and still is, the one I want when I don't feel well. No one can quite care for you when you get sick the way your mom does, right? I have a voicemail from her saved on my phone from the last time I got sick - just calling to check on me. I miss her so much my heart aches. I cannot even tell you all the little times throughout my week when tears prick my eyes, because I just have an overwhelming sense of loss. Yes, my friends, the pain truly runs deep.

The quote above, however is so true. These feelings of grief are not permanent. While I'm sure some of them will be with me forever, at Christmas, graduations, weddings...funerals, I know that as I heal, these intense feelings will fade. Knowing this provides me with hope that I can get through. As I started our study of Acts at BSF this year, I know that this hope doesn't come from me, it comes from Jesus. His Holy Spirit is the One enabling me to work through all these tough feelings, to get up and do all that I need to do in my service to Him and, as silly as it sounds, to face my first bug without her here. He will enable me to get through this, and by His grace alone, I pray that He will glorify Himself through this. I hope and I pray that He will use this pain and this situation to His glory. I pray that others may come to know Christ. I pray that He will make me an effective witness for the gospel as Acts 1:8 says I'm commanded to do. You see, my ultimate, never-ending, consistent, beautful HOPE through this grieving process stems from Jesus' death on the Cross, and the gift of eternal life. I hope in the promise of Jesus that I will see my mom again someday. I know I'll still be shocked with these painful feelings in my life here on earth, but when I get to heaven and see Jesus face-to-face, when I get to embrace my mom and bow down with her before the throne of God, then these feelings will be permanently erased.

23 months

2011-09-13T12:08:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that next month I will be typing the words, "Zooey is 2!" Wow, how time flies. This past month was so much fun, as is every month with Zooey. She is growing so fast, and as you can see from the pictures, she's truly a little girl now; no baby remains. It's a little bittersweet, but this age is awesome! Even though we have to work through our share of tantrums, I love how Zooey explores, learns, plays and interacts at this age. She is such a joy to watch and play with.

We started doing some learning time at home this month. Zooey's been learning a different letter, color, shape and number each week, as well as a new Scripture verse, passage of Scripture and a story from her children's Bible. It is fun to see the confidence she shows when she learns something new, for example, last week she learned the letter "B," and by the end of the week she could find the letter "B" on the fridge. Last week's Bible verse was John 1:3, "God created all things," and by the end of the week, she'd point at the verse and say, "God." She also loves her Bible, and is now pointing to it and naming it by name - so awesome to see God working in her little life! She is a very smart little girl.

I weighed Zooey at home, and she weighs 25 lbs. She's now in some 2T clothes, but mostly 24 month clothes, still, because she's short like her mommy & daddy. Zooey is very curious (& very stubborn) and will take our finger or hand when she wants to check something out, or if we tell her no (she things if we do it, it's ok :) ). She's starting to say more words more frequently, like "eat," "diaper," "potty," "good job," "Grandpa," and "baby." Speaking of potty, we haven't started potty-training, yet, but you'll probably see a post on that pretty soon. Zooey's getting very close to being potty ready. The last thing I'm kind of waiting on is for her to tell me when she's about to go. Zooey also loves, loves, loves babies! She's very curious about them, and she wants to touch them. She loves her baby doll that RaRa got her, and she likes to take it almost everywhere we go. Zooey also loves to color. We had to talk about not coloring on the walls or the fridge this month, but this girl loves coloring! It's an activity where we both win, because Mommy can get a couple things done while Zooey colors, and she would do it all day, probably, if I let her. Zooey has really started to like bouncing toys, like the zebra at the gym and the turtle at home that she climbs on and bounces up and down on. She continues to like books, but she's in a phase where she wants to "read" herself, so we don't get to read together for too long these days. Zooey takes everything in, good and bad, and she has started to become our little mimics. She wants to brush her hair, cook and put on makeup like Mommy. She follows Daddy all over the house and tries to copy what he's doing, like the dishes. She's also starting to try to mimic words, and if I'm frustrated about something, she'll raise her little voice to the same tone and level as mine. It's been kind of a wake up call, because I don't raise my voice very often, but seeing how she wants to be just like the adults around her has caused me to constantly think about what I'm going to say or do before I do it, which I should already be doing as a Christian. :)

Mothering Zooey continues to be my biggest responsibility and greatest joy. As I heard someone say this past week, it's the hardest job I'll ever love. That's so true, and it's so amazing of God to give me such a sweet little blessing.

One Month

2011-09-06T23:36:00.001-06:00

In eight minutes my mom will be gone one month.

I sit with the curser blinking, because, honestly...I don't know what to say. My mind seems unable to formulate what's going on inside me, how I'm thinking and feeling. I couldn't sleep and thought maybe journaling might help me sort it out.

Many memories come to mind when I think about the fact she's been gone a month. I think of her smile, her laugh, her faith, her love, her mannerisms, her joy over Zooey. I also think about stuff I don't want to think about, her illness consuming her, the meds we administered, the bad moments. All of these were part of her, and yet there was so, so much more to her. I'm still astonished that it went so fast. How long ago was it we went to lunch at the tea room, a place she loved, with Sarah and two of her friends from work? A month? A month and a half prior to her death? She still seemed ok. Was it only February when we went to San Diego, her favorite place in the whole world? Other things seem fast and slow at the same time, like the fact it's already been a month and a day since I heard her say "I love you," her last words spoken to me. That both seems like it was yesterday and also an eternity ago because I miss her voice so much.

I have the thought to call her often, usually a couple times a day, sometimes more. Just tonight I had a concern about Zooey, and I reached for the phone before I realized she's not here anymore. I can't explain it, but whatever part of my brain that wants to call her for some reason has to continue to be convinced that she's not coming back. I continue to ask myself how to "do life" without her...she was here for so much of it. Just knowing she was there gave me courage, knowing I had her love. Of course, my head knows I'll get through it, but when something cuts the heart, well, that just feels like it's never going to get any better.

I feel kind of numb tonight...I think I'm actually repressing some emotions and they'll probably come tomorrow, after I sort through them all. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is that I miss her; I miss her terribly and deeply and it hurts.

So, what can I do? I can look UP. I can sing God's praises, as one lady told me God told her to tell me at the end of BSF last year; in my darkest moments when I truly didn't know what else to do, she was right...singing has brought me through. Thank God that He's a God who gives us the faith we need for each and every situation we encounter. It is not my own doing, my own "strength," but it is Him giving me the faith and strength I need. I will choose, as I climb back into bed, to pray, even if I am only praying on knowledge of the Bible and my heart feels broken. I will pray, even if right this instant I wonder how we can be brought through certain things. I will do this, because my God has proven Himself faithful time and again to me, and I know He will prove Faithful again.

2011-09-01T15:21:00.001-06:00

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I dreamt we were sitting in my living room having coffee and just talking about life. In my dream I knew she was dead, and as the conversation progressed, she started writing things down, so I'd remember them. Then all of the sudden, I was telling her I was so happy to have had this visit with her and when would she be back. She said she had to go, and she was gone. The dream was so real, so vivid...it felt like I was just having a normal moment with my mom, one of those moments I miss so much lately. It's so hard to put into words the emotions that I've been experiencing. I guess that's because words like "missing" and "sad" or don't come close. There truly are no words to describe one's own personal journey with grief, so we just try to come as close to possible in our explanation in hopes that we can purge a little bit of those emotions out of ourselves. I woke up and went to my "Thirty Days of Grief Prayers" brochure that my counselor gave me and copied down the prayer for today, "Today I feel weak, Lord. I know if I push away my weakness, I push you away as well. If I let myself feel my weakness, You are near with Your strength and Your comfort. Help me to trust." This prayer really summed it up for me. I awoke wishing I could push the memory of my dream and the emotions that came with waking far away and never think about them again. The thoughts and feelings that I was having, although painful, are something that God can use to draw me closer to Him. The painful stuff is stuff that He uses; He never wastes it, but He uses it to make me more beautiful before Him and to bring me closer to glory. I am so thankful that He keeps drawing me close, that He keeps whispering to me to trust Him and to lean on Him instead of my way of doing things. Without Him, I am nothing.

The "New" Normal

2011-08-20T15:53:00.000-06:00

The funeral is over, visiting family members have gone home, the flowers have died, the urn has been picked up and sits at my dad's; so now what? Now we must begin what my friend termed the "new normal." The big events take us to a new normal, don't they? Births, weddings, divorces (for some of us), deaths...all these things leave us with a life, good or bad, that's different than it used to be. The thing I think I am finally beginning to realize after facing each of these big events is that there is One consistent: God.

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stand forever." Isaiah 40:8

God never fails to provide physically, spiritually & emotionally for His children. Although He blesses us immensely with relationships, food, shelter, clothing and all our other needs, it is clear that when we accept Christ as our Savior, we are blessed beyond measure with a treasure that never tarnishes or wastes away...even though all the things and people He gives us are amazing, we can be comforted to know that even if they are all taken away, He HIMSELF is what we were made for.

"And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, & your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom & these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions & give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near & no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:29-34

God never changes; His Word never changes. Because of this, all His character traits can be counted upon all the time. He is always Fair, Just, Compassionate, our Defender, Comforter, Redeemer, Long-Suffering, All-Knowing, Shepherd, Good, Love.

As a person who ~~hates change~~ takes awhile to adjust to change, this is a HUGE comfort to me. I am trying to adjust to a "new normal," getting back into my daily routine and doing little things like going to the gym, having a consistent time of day to have my quiet time with the Lord, cooking dinner, etc. All these things actually bring comfort to me, too, because I am a person who finds comfort in routine and stress relief in exercise. But the greatest comfort of all is that I can open up my Bible and bow my head to the King of Kings who's intimate enough to hold me close and to know that if all the other stuff and people change in an instant, He remains.

You Remain, Jennifer Knapp

Though I am poor and needy

My Shelter You'll be

Not by my merit lead me

To where You say

Waste my time on lover's quarrels

Speed my breath and hope to stumble

Out of my distrain and still

You Remain

My Wall my Mighty Tower

Be my Shadow come cover me

Till all my enemies cower

Jealous of my King

Though the day be laced with trouble

Be the stone o'er which i stumble

Straight into the arms and stay

Where You Remain

They said to me i would fall by the wayside

Answer me now

The fatherless we may be weary

Be our Peace and do not tarry

Wait we will for Your Joy

Be my Portion promised me, O Lord

May I be forever

Where You Remain

You remain

Where You...

Where You remain

One Step at a Time

2011-08-16T14:44:00.000-06:00

I've noticed through reading about others' journeys of grief that once "the event" has occured (be it death, divorce, betrayal, whatever), people start counting. One week, one month, first Christmas without them, their first birthday they're gone. On Saturday night, I thought a lot about how it was one week since she'd been gone, since I'd sat by her bedside and talked to her. I know that this process usually goes on pretty consistently for the first year, maybe two, then it's the bigger anniversaries that trigger it.

I hate that it's been over a week since I've seen her, talked to her, kissed her. I am beyond grateful that she's no longer in pain and with Jesus, and that does bring joy to my heart, but it's still very difficult. I feel cheated sometimes, which makes me feel angry. There are so many people who get to spend time with their parents and have them be a part of their lives for years, until they themselves are old and gray. I think of my own mom who had her mom beside her through raising children, and I don't get to have that. The fact of the matter is, if you're a woman and you're close to your mom, you just want her there - when you're sick, when you're happy and want someone to share in that happiness, when you're a mom-at-the-end-of-your-rope, when you're sad...there are so many moments that I'll face over the years that I know I'm going to wish she's here. One step at a time, right? This is one of those things I am sure I probably won't get to fully understand this side of heaven.

Today is my dad's birthday. He seemed ok earlier when I saw him, but I wonder how he feels today, deep down? My parents always did a silly card & a serious/sweet card for their birthdays. It breaks my heart he won't get that this year, not from the love of his life, anyway. They were so cute together!

Little things to love

2011-08-14T20:56:00.003-06:00

~Zooey grabbing my hand to pull me anywhere

~Zooey taking all the alphabet magnets off the fridge & stacking them on the chairs - and running around the kitchen in circles, laughing hysterically

~Zooey trying to grab RaRa's hand to pull her to the restaurant's kitchen this morning at breakfast and telling the waitress all about how hungry she was

~Sleepy toddler snuggles

~Sleepy cat snuggles

~Strawberry Mentos

~"Carried Away" by B&B Works

~A quiet moment alone just to surf the Net

~Sneaking in to cover Zooey and still smelling her J&J Bedtime Lotion~bliss!

~That she slept until 9:00...so did I!

~A giant hug from the hub when he got home

Contentment

2011-08-14T15:05:00.002-06:00

As I was doing my Bible study today, I got to a question about God's faithful servant Job. The book said, "Though Job was a very wealthy man, God allowed Satan to strip him of everything - people and possessions like - to prove Job's devotion to God. Despite utter devastation, Job remained faithful and was fully restored. List the people & earthly possessions you most treasure. Put yourself in Job's shoes. If you were stripped of all these people & possessions, could you, would you still praise God. Explain your answer." (Live Deeply, Lenya Heitzig, p. 191). I listed the people most important, followed by some possessions and got to the second question. My heart clenched at the thought of losing anyone else close to me, let alone all of them. My response was I hope I would still praise God, because He holds my life in His hands and shed His blood to save me. I pray He always gives me the faith I need. The study then listed the following verses and asked the reader to journal a pryaer to learn to be content whatever the circumstances.

"...For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, an I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11b-13

Contentment by definition is "the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind." For some reason, when I think of being content, I think of a moment of bliss...a moment on a beach with your eyes closed, my baby asleep on my chest after a wonderful family day, opening my eyes after a good night's sleep. I don't automatically think of being content in a time of stress, grief, or even as Paul mentions, being hungry (um, have you ever seen me when I am hungry?!). I think the key to the Phil. passage is verse 13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Contentment in Christ is more than a "feeling." It is the satisfaction and ease of mind that come from knowing Christ, from knowing that at the end of time He is still in control and has His best in mind for me. It's knowing that even things hurt right this minute, He's holding my hand to accompany me out of the valley to the other side of the pain. It's knowing I don't have to be strong, because His strength is more than enough.

I am so thankful, as always, for God's perfect timing of my study today. As I entered into my time with Him today, I began by reading a brochure I got at the church the other day called "Losing Your Mom." I cried as I read through the many levels of grief that the loss of a mother can entail: loss of unconditional love, loss of family connector, loss of protection, loss of nurtering touch, loss of what we've taken for granted, loss of the person "whose story provides the beginning of our own, whose sense of self greatly impacts who we are." I have been thinking a lot the last few days how things just don't seem normal (duh!) and how things just really aren't the same when the whole family's gathered but she's not there. I have been feeling lonely in my grief, even amongst the people who have gathered lovingly around. It is so good of God to remind me that He's here; all I have to do is look up, and even though I feel sad, I have the hope of Glory, the true source of contentment.

Missing

2011-08-13T09:34:00.003-06:00

This morning Zooey was talking away, saying "mo nana" (more banana) and "kitty cat" and "TaTa" (Tiny, our dog). She was smiley and happy as she always is in the morning, and I so wanted to text a picture to my mom. I wanted to call her and tell her how she said "mo nana." My mom always shared these little things with me at a level of enthusiasm that no one else did, not even Ryan sometimes. My heart aches with missing her today.

She gave me her chain reference Bible, which I've never seen before. I wanted to ask her to explain it to me, to share with me why she liked it so much, but she wasn't here to do that. I remember her telling me before she died that she wanted me to have it, because I'm in BSF and it helped her a lot when she was in BSF. Oh, I miss her.

The funeral on Thursday brought a real finality to the past week, to her death, but left me with a kind of "now what?" feeling. My sweet friend told me that now I have to learn to do the "new normal." I guess she's right, but it's uncharted territory. I talked to my mom everyday on the phone or in person. As my aunt said yesterday, moms are often the ones who kind of hold the family together. My mom certainly was the glue, and now we have to learn to share all that togetherness without her.

22 Months

2011-08-10T09:46:00.003-06:00

Well, another month has come and gone, and this one was a busy one. Zooey is now 22 months old, just two short months away from being TWO! We spent most of the last month at my mom's, and one thing I can say about Zooey is she just brightens a room. We could've been having a stressful or emotional day, and Zooey would come in with her huge smile and cute antics and all those yucky feelings would just melt away. It was and is inevitable that she'd see me cry, and one time when she did, I told her I was sad because Grandma was sick. She grabbed my face, pulled me toward her and gave me a big kiss. Such a sweet, empathetic girl is my Zooey!

I'm not sure how much she weighs right now, but I'm guessing it's getting pretty close to 30lbs. She's also getting taller and leaning out. She can fit in some 24 month/2T clothes now, although she's still mostly in 18 month stuff.

Zooey loves to play with water and got into trouble a few times over at my parent's house for playing in the dog bowl and getting herself and the floor all wet. The video above was a morning about a week and a half ago when Rey brought Sarah's dogs over to the house for a visit, and we let Zooey go crazy with the water. She also loves animals, and her and Oreo (Sarah's biggest dog) were just following each other around - very cute!

She's becoming quite the artist, and she now tries to copy me by attempting to color in the lines when we color together. She watches me, then she starts inside and then colors a huge rainbow of colors all over the page. She's become quite a Grandpa's girl, and they are close buddies now after being over at his house so much. She'll often grab his hand to follow her and do what she wants to do after Mommy tells her no. I'm sure it's hard for him to resist that, but he does. :) After not being able to leave the house a lot, she's also become more fond of TV, something she kind of ignored before. She likes to sit and cuddle on the couch and watch Caillou or the Sesame Street Good Morning show on Sprout. Zooey also loves to dance and sing. It's very cute! She's even started to wiggle her little bottom when the music comes on. Although this isn't a habit, she took her first nap with mommy in the big bed, and it was a sweet time of cuddles.

She is still feisty as ever and definitely lets you know when she's not happy with something. She also gets very proud of herself when she obeys and is commended on it.

I love my little girl so much, and I'll say it again for the thousandth time, God knew we would need her smiles, joy, love and silliness in this time, because she certainly balances out the grief with immeasurable happiness and love.

Lazarus

2011-08-10T09:23:00.003-06:00

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'" John 11:25-26

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord,' they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, 'See how he loved him!'" John 11:33-36

Lazarus, Jesus' close friend died. Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, for He told His disciples that He didn't go earlier to him so they might believe He was God's Son (Jn. 11:11-14). Nonetheless, He wept when He saw Lazarus' friends and family weeping. He was deeply moved by their pain. Not only do I receive immense joy at His words to Martha, knowing that my mom went from life to life everlasting, but I also receive immense comfort at knowing that my Lord looks down on me and my family, sees our tears and grief and He is deeply moved for us. He loves us so much! He lived this life here on earth, had one of His closest friends die and saw the pain on the faces and in the hearts of those around Him, and He can relate. I do not serve a God who idly stands above us dictating life and death, but I serve a God who is conducting a symphony of breaths and lovingly drawing us closer to Him. Praise God!

You Bled (Rend Collective Experiment)
You bled your heart out
Now I feel love beat in my
chest, How Wonderful
You gave your beauty
In exchange for my
ugliness, How Wonderful

You left your perfection
And took on our rejection

oh How Marvelous
How Boundless
Is your love
Is your Love
How Wonderful
Sacrificial
Is your Love for me

You put on our chains
Sent us out through the
open door, How
Wonderful, You took our
sadness, Crowned us
with joy and real peace
How Wonderful

You left your perfection
and fought for our
redemption

oh How Marvelous
How Boundless
Is your love
Is your Love
How Wonderful
Sacrificial
Is your Love for me

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me, How
Wonderful
Yes Jesus loves me
This is love
You gave yourself

2011-08-09T20:34:00.003-06:00

When I started this blog, it was a secret one...I journaled about the fears & worries of my first trimester with Zooey before we made the pregnancy public. I had no idea it would be such an outlet or that I'd be journaling about my mom battling cancer & dying. I've always been a journaler, and although it's sometimes tough to write about things publicly, I'm glad I have, because I wouldn't have received so much of the encouragement that I've gotten had I continued to keep it a secret. Thank you for that.

Seven years ago I did counseling to deal with grief in another season of my life. I feel I have a lot of "head knowledge" about the grieving process and all the steps; however, nothing quite prepares you for actually feeling it. It's fine in theory to try to compartmentalize your grief and to cry for 15 minutes a few set times a day, but what about when you need to cry because it hits you when you're out to dinner with the whole family that there's an emptiness of someone not being there? Or when I give my baby a bath and remember the last time my mom was able to do that? Or when I want to ask my mom to pray for Zooey for something then remember she's not there? I'm not saying the information isn't helpful, it is, but just like I thought the diagnosis would somehow help prepare me for the loss, it didn't prepare me for anything. One cannot be prepared for the loss of someone so close. I certainly wasn't prepared that Zooey would notice as much as she has.

I so wish I could shield Zooey from all this! From the stress and sadness she must feel around her. Tonight I stopped by my mom's house (I can't stop calling it that...) to pick up some food. Zooey recognized where we were, pointed toward my mom's window and started whining for her grandma. I know she's more aware of this loss than any of us probably realize, and it just breaks my heart. I wish I could somehow wrap her in a giant bubble of joy and let her out when this season is over, but unfortunately, we can't do that. And you know what I am realizing? God loves us so much more than we love our children - so much that He sent His Son to die for us - and yet He doesn't shield us from disappointment and immense pain. He tells us He's here for us, wraps us in His arms, holds us close, comforts us with His Word and lets us cry; He feels our pain. I will, therefore, follow His example and hold my little girl up and let her cry and cry with her. I will keep my mom's memory alive and tell Zooey how much my mom loved her. I will show her tons of pictures and pass along lessons my mom taught me, especially the ones about Jesus. I will seek God's help as my Father to teach me how to be an excellent mother to Zooey through this, and because it's His desire, I know He will be faithful to answer my prayer.

Gone

2011-08-07T21:22:00.004-06:00

My mom is gone. She went to be with Jesus last night at 11:23 after fighting the good fight for Christ and winning over one more soul for Him. She went quickly and peacefully, just as we all prayed she would. She was surrounded by my dad, me, Sarah & her sister, Kathi, who she had been asking about for a week.

I don't know what to write. This hurts. That's an understatement...this hurts worse than anything I've ever faced, and I feel that I've faced some pretty big things. I want to talk about how God keeps showing up, from using her life to reach someone to using this experience to heal others hearts. I want to share how I read Philippians 4 to her yesterday, especially the verse that He gave her when she started chemo, Phil. 4: 13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength," and how we prayed together that God would strengthen her and He did for one last work for Him. I want to share the joy that He filled my heart with that He can work such miracles in the midst of such immense loss. I want to tell you how present the Spirit of God was in her room last night, and how I knew as she breathed her last breath she was in Jesus' arms with no more pain, sorrow or tears. I know He is holding her in His peace and her body is glorified. I want to share how when I sat down to read my Bible while they prepared her body that every single page I randomly flipped to had a verse highlighted about the reassurance of our eternal life through salvation in Christ. I want to talk about how two hours after she died, right when the mortuary arrived and it was time to say goodbye to her earthly body, Sarah & I got the KLOVE verse of the day on our phones, 2 Corinthians 5:17 - "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" A passage she picked to be read at her funeral on Thursday. How today, after thinking about how Jesus knew how I felt because He wept at Lazarus' grave, I picked up a book she had called "God always has a Plan B" and immediately opened to a page titled, "God has a plan B for accepting grief and loss as a part of life" which talked about how Jesus cried at Lazarus' burial site. He keeps showing up and giving me just what I need at just the right moment.

I also want to cry, but I feel numb. I know she's gone, but I don't believe it. I want to share, but I want to close myself off. I sobbed buckets tonight after I put my sweet Zooey down for bed, my body wrecked with exhaustion and grief and the realization that she's gone. At the same time, I keep expecting her to come out of her room to sit in her recliner. I woke up last night from a dream wanting to call her, and it took me a second to realize she's no longer there to call or to text pictures and daily stories to about Zooey. I did laundry and folded her nightgown and about fell apart. I see the way she organized the wrapping paper in the garage or open the cabinet to all her perfumes, and my heart clenches and my stomach feels sick. Zooey was on my lap looking at a picture of my mom that we'll use at the service, and I said, "That's Grandma," to which she got excited and pointed at my mom's room. This following the moment before her nap when I showed her that Grandma was gone and told her simply that Grandma had died and was wtih Jesus, and she yelled Grandma three times and pointed to her room, fussing and reaching. These things ripped my heart apart. I guess they're right that children this age do understand more than we think they do about grief, so it's best to be honest with short, loving phrases.

It is grief afresh, and once again it's the little things. Oh, my heart aches and I miss her so!! I wish there were a way to purge all this sadness and be done with all the pain, but unfortunately, I know that's not how life works. I know that life will go back to normal, only it won't be "normal" anymore, and that's when it's going to hurt. I know that this year and probably every year and every big event will bring fresh pangs of grief that I will have to deal with. I don't know how people do this without Jesus, because I'm enough of a wreck with Him carrying me through; thank God I have Him to hold me up when I need it. It's moments like these that I truly know why they call it faith. I know it's Him giving me the faith I need, because I have none on my own.

Mom, I will miss you forever, and I cannot wait to see you again in Glory.

Heartsick

2011-08-06T20:11:00.003-06:00

We were told today to "get ready" by Matt (the nurse). He said based on her vitals (BP 90/40 & pulse 132) and the fact that she's now in a semi-comatose state that he's guessing five days, possibly sooner. Although I haven't had a real conversation with my mom in over two weeks and she's not really herself, this is still majorly difficult. I feel heartsick. I feel so incredibly sad. I feel panicked that her life is almost over, that her time here on earth is almost up. It is so hard to see her like this, not really responding to what we say. I know she can hear us, but this isn't the same. I feel at a loss for words; I'm just so sad. I don't want to lose her, yet I don't want to see her suffer anymore. I know that "to live is Christ and to die is gain," but when I'm looking at her sweet face, I just want her here. I want to talk to her about Zooey and hear the excitement in her voice. I want to give her a hug and feel her arms hug me back. I read Phil. 4 to her and sang some of her favorite hymns tonight. She was agitated and this seemed to calm her a bit. I hate this. I hate the pain for me, for Zooey, my dad, for my sister, for my grandma and for the rest of my family. I love her so much.

When shadows fall on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When darkness falls on us

We will not fear, we will remember

When all seems lost & we're thrown & we're tossed

We'll remember the cost

We rest in it

The shadow of the cross

2011-08-05T15:34:00.004-06:00

Last night was another rough night with Mom. She was extremely agitated for about three hours, and we finally called the nurse on-call who came out for a visit. They've increased her fentanyl to 100mcg and also upped her morphine and haldol (for the terminal agitation). She seems to have some day/night confusion and rests all day only to be up almost all night. Last night my older sister Melissa came and helped us out. We were actually able to rest; she was a total Godsend! When the nurse Matt came out today he told us that my mom is now in the active dying phase. He said that he always says two weeks at this point for a worse-case scenario, but he really thinks it will be closer to one week. She hasn't drank anything today or used the restroom. Once she stops urinating, he said it will be about five days. From here on out, he said it will be very rough (as if it hasn't been already!), because dehydration and electrolye imbalances cause more confusion, in addition to the body going haywire and shutting down on itself (which impacts the heart and brain and everything else). She has started gasping for air, and she also has more congestion in her chest than she did yesterday. The literature we've been given says this is another sign that it is close. She is sleeping much more than even two days ago.

Matt encouraged us to think about hiring a CNA to come in and care for her, so we can take the role of daughters more than caretakers; we've decided to do that, and an aide will be here starting tonight. I can't say I'm not relieved. Although we will stay here at night, because the CNA cannot administer meds and because we want to be here when she passes, I miss Ryan so incredibly much and will be able to at least go home for a bit to spend some time with him or go out to grab a bite to eat. Likewise, it will be good for Sarah to get home to play with her dogs and spend time with Rey. We've also been a little worried about Zooey being here when my mom gets so agitated (we want Zooey to have great memories of her; I remember things from my mom being pregnant when I was Zooey's age, so I am assuming she is going to remember things even if she may not), so this will allow us to get her home at night and pick her up in the morning.

We are praying that my mom isn't trying to hang on for things when she's already in so much pain, that she'll know it's ok to let go when it's time. She keeps asking for the date and crying when we tell her; my dad's birthday is 8/16, and their anniversary is 8/23. She also keeps asking for her sister, Kathi, who will be coming out tomorrow. Please pray that she'll be reassured that although we will be sad and miss her, that it's ok to go and we'll be ok.

Please also pray that the new pain medication regimine that we began will be effective and we can stay on top of her pain levels to minimize her agitation and reduce her pain. Pray for the Lord to calm her when she's confused or agitated, as well.

God continues to be at work, from being very present to sending me "kisses" of Scripture to continuing to being there for us through His church. I am in awe of His love, and I trust His faithfulness. This morning while I was praying, it was one of those wonderful moments where I could literally feel the Lord's arms around me and His peaceful Presence. It was just what I needed at that moment. He also gave me the following verses today, which remind me that my hope, my strength, my confidence and all my abilities come from Him alone. He is my Rock.

"Your laws endure to this day, for all things serve you. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life." Psalm 119:91-93

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-39

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep praying for the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18

2011-08-04T20:39:00.003-06:00

The last few days have been pretty awful. At this point, my heart is screaming "Don't take her!!," but my mind and also my heart want my mom to be free of all this. She has what they call terminal agitation, which means she's been extremely agitated, combative, hallucinating and just not herself anymore. As much as I have heard of other dying patients acting like this, I honestly never thought about it with regard to my mom. It breaks my heart, because I can tell she's uncomfortable and frustrated and confused...and there's nothing I can do to help her other than give her the meds they've prescribed to hopefully help with some of this. Sarah and I have probably each gotten about 4 hours sleep max the last couple of nights; it's been pretty intense. It is taxing on us, as well, but mostly it just breaks my heart.

Glimpses of Heaven

2011-08-01T21:23:00.003-06:00

I am extra thankful these days for little random blessings. Things like Zooey somehow reaching her wipes when she should've been napping yesterday, hearing her laughing up a storm and going in to find all the wipes in her crib and her shorts soaking wet. She thought that was quite fun! Or today, when I took my first-ever nap with her all cuddled up against me...this is something I never thought I'd do, but when you have a teething toddler and you're totally exhausted, it just kind of happens. Watching my little girl play in the yard with Sarah's dogs today was a nice reprieve. Having Ryan here today was awesome and added a sense of normalcy to my life. I feel overwhelmingly blessed by the prayer support of those who know me, my mom and my family...Sarah and I were talking today, and that we know of at least 80 people who are praying for us - wow, God is amazing. Our whole family is blessed by the meals brought to us and the offers to watch Zooey. Thank you!

Yesterday she saw someone out the window that we couldn't see and then asked us how the others get on. Last night I was in with my mom, laying my head at the foot of her bed after giving her her medication and talking to her for a little while. She woke up, but she didn't look at me. She was looking up and nodding, saying, "OK." She said, "Help me," then reached up and hugged someone; she said, "OK" and nodded again. We believe this is God at work answering the prayers to be present with my mom to give her peace. I can literally feel a sense of peace when I walk in her room, even when it's an upsetting moment. I can tell the Lord is present, and it is here, sitting quietly by her bed, that I am prompted to pray, to worship and to read His Word. Thank you for your prayers, and thank You, Jesus, for giving us these glimpses of You and strengthening our faith.

Her nausea is staying away, thank God. She is still swallowing and still waking up to talk to us for bits of time. We were told today that she may be in an unresponsive/comatose state by the weekend...of course, only God knows His real timing, but it is so sad that we are getting so close. She fell today trying to get up to go to the bathroom by herself. It was pretty scary; the Hospice nurse was here, thankfully, and she is going to get us an alarm system to put on the bed. Please pray that this would completely eliminate her falling (this is the 2nd time it's happened) and that we would hear her and attend to her quickly, even if we're sleeping. Please pray for my sister, Sarah, to be able to sleep. Pray that God would hold us, especially my poor, sweet dad in His arms. He is just at a complete loss...it breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for being the hands and feet of Jesus to us.

2011-07-30T16:04:00.005-06:00

I feel like time has stopped. Things seem to freeze or go fast, and I feel out of sorts. We can be talking and laughing one minute and the next I will look at my mom, sleeping, and become so deeply sad that she won't be joining in our conversation like she used to. Although she is still my mom, everything is different. Although she is still alive, and I'm cherishing every moment I get to spend with her, I am already missing her and the way things used to be. I see a pair of earrings, and I cry, because I know she's not going to wear them to go out to lunch or come visit Zooey. I cry when I put her laundry away, knowing that she's only wearing nightgowns now. It saddens me when she tries to whisper something to us and she's so weak that we cannot understand her.

I worry over the fact she fell last night and couldn't get up...what if we don't hear her and she falls again?

Yesterday afternoon her blood pressure had dropped from about 98/70ish to 80/52. Today we woke up and went in to her room to find that she hadn't changed positions in eight hours and had been sound asleep the whole time. Her mouth was so dry it broke my heart, and her hands and feet are bluish grey. She is starting to have a hard time swallowing, and when Hospice came today they said that she will probably lose her ability to swallow in the next couple of days. She was prescribed a stronger pain patch for when that happens, so that she will remain comfortable and able to sleep.

I was SO blessed to be able to sit with her today for about 30 minutes praying and singing hymns as she was half asleep and resting; it is only by the grace of God that I was able to do this without breaking down in tears. After we were done, she said, "It's going to happen. Where is she?" We found out she meant my grandma. We feel it's going to be soon. I was priveleged to be able to read the Bible, some of my mom's favorite marked passages, to her and my family and experience God's peace come in the room. It was shortly after these times of worship that my mom was looking around the room asking, "What's that?" and telling us that she saw lights. I am certain that our Lord and His angels are present with her as she is close to being called home to Heaven. I marvel at this and wonder what kind of divine experience death is when you know Jesus, when you get so close you can see His light and hear His voice. I am sure my mom is being very blessed, very comforted and is experiencing Jesus' Love in a way unimaginable.

When my grandpa died, someone told me that it is a privelege to be with someone as they have one foot here and one foot in heaven, and I have to say, while this journey is heartbreaking, it has been a privelege to be with her and spend this time with her. It is also really encouraging me to tell others how I feel before it's too late. Jesus was always so open with His love and affection and even when He was disappointed...we are to follow His example in our life and our relationships; I want to be more like Him in this way.

2011-07-29T12:07:00.003-06:00

As I sit down to type this, I have so many emotions going through me that it is hard to know exactly where I'm at. Depression, Anger...still some Denial, and even I have to ask myself, how is that possible? Hospice is now coming daily to visit my mom. She is sleeping most of the time; thank God that He offered a new course of treatment for the nausea and diarrhea that were not leting her rest for several days earlier this week. She doesn't wake too much, and when she does she is often confused. In her lucid moments she is saying what needs to be said about her love, concerns and her past. It is so hard to see her down this path, but I also feel very blessed that I get to walk along side her, to tell her how much I love her and to be able to comfort her and provide things for her - a back rub, a drink. She hasn't eaten in several days, but she is still drinking. Elizabeth, her nurse, said yesterday that my mom is at the few weeks mark, meaning she could go anywhere from 1-3 weeks.

On Monday (can it be that it was only Monday? that conversation feels like it was 2 weeks ago!), Elizabeth told us to be sure to tell her it is ok to go when it's time and that we will miss her but will be alright. We've all told her this, even my grandma, who my mom is very concerned about. It was very hard for my dad to tell her that. When we asked him if he was going to tell her, he broke down crying and said how can he tell her that when he's never going to be ok? It breaks my heart to see him and my sister in pain. I think it helped her for us to tell her that, though. It was at that point she opened up to us about how ready she is to go Home.

A dear friend told me yesterday about how her friend has been a Hospice nurse for a long time. My friend's best friend of 25 years died several months ago of cancer, and the nurse told her that in all her years of being a hospice nurse, there's one thing she is certain of and that is when someone knows Christ that He is completing a Holy work in them right up to the end. She said that she's never seen a moment wasted, and although she doesn't understand it, she's seen it many times. She said that Christians can be assured that not a moment of their life is wasted; He is completing His work in them right up to the moment He is ready to bring them home to Glory. This really comforted me, and I believe it 100%.

If you are praying for my mom, please pray the following:

~Her one request is that He would take her soon and quickly.

~God would keep the nausea/GI problems away and that He would let her be in comfort and in as little pain as possible.

~God would wrap His loving arms around her and let her feel His presence.
~He would protect her and our family from opposition.

~He would comfort our family.

~He would protect our health.

2011-07-25T13:37:00.003-06:00

My mom is declining quickly; over the last two weeks she really seems to have gone downhill, in fact, she's really declined a lot since last Tuesday at Zooey's early birthday party. I've struggled a lot with being completely honest about some of her symptoms as of late, because I know she's still be reading my blog and I don't want to cause her any pain about something she may be sensitive about. I think it is to the point where I can be completely honest, because to be honest in another way, it is simply impossible for me to give everyone a specific, detailed update one-on-one.

She is very fatigued; the nurse, Elizabeth, has explained to us that this is in part due to the disease progressing and death approaching and also because her oxygen is low (it was 87 on Friday). She feels ill, like she's going to vomit, and is having a hard time taking her medications because of this. The anti-nausea has not been helping this much. Her appetite has significantly decreased; she may eat a couple of crackers and a yogurt all day. She is also very confused. This is the hardest thing on her, and for me, it is the hardest thing to watch. She has a hard time writing and thinking about numbers, and she's finding it harder to use her cell phone. We don't know if the cancer has gone to her brain, or if this is just a normal part of the dying process. At her visit last week, my mom asked about having an aide come in to help her shower and dress, because mornings are very hard for her (the cough, pain). For us to hear this, and for her to acknowledge this, was a big wake up call to how bad she's actually feeling. For anyone who knows my mom, you know she is extremely modest and this would be a worse case kind of request. Our family met the aide, Amy, on Friday, and it was agreed that she would start coming today and come in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

That brings me to today. Last night my mom told my dad to cancel the aide. He did, and when Elizabeth called him this morning to tell him he can't cancel the aide (it is another way for Hospice to have eyes on my mom during the week to see how she's doing), my dad broke down crying about how bad my mom was doing. Elizabeth then rushed over to their house. Sarah was already on her way over and called me when she found out Elizabeth was there; I too went over. My mom was given some anti-nausea medication, and Elizabeth's professional opinion is that it is time to take my mom off of all medication except those needed for comfort measure. She told us that she had a very honest conversation with my mom this morning about how bad my mom feels, and my mom admitted she is ready to go. Elizabeth told us that when someone admits that, it is a big deal, and she really feels this is the best thing to do. My mom can't take her oral med's, because they make her feel so sick; she's just been laying in bed feeling more sick than she needs to. Elizabeth said that she told Sarah on Friday that she'd let her know when we got to the two week mark (at that time, she had given us a two month max "loose" window due to my mom putting on a strong face for her; we all know she can't say for sure), and she said today she feels my mom's time is probably at about a month, maximum. As she watches my mom this week, she'll be able to guage whether we are even closer to that two week mark. She told us as it gets closer we need to tell her it's ok for her to go and that we'll be ok. She also reiterated to us what the Hospice book they gave us says, not to take it personal when she says she doesn't want to see us or she wants to be alone, which she has started telling us within the last four days.

Of course, we don't feel like we'll be ok. Of course, it is scary and sad and heartbreaking. My pastor said something yesterday in church that really stood out to me. He said, "We need our brother, because sometimes the Christ in their heart is greater than the Christ in our own heart." Last week I read some on the parable of the paralytic man whose friends lowered him through the roof of the home where Jesus was teaching, because they believed that Jesus could heal him. No where in that passage does it say the man had his own faith that he would be healed; he was healed because of the faith of his friends. I have been thinking a lot about how much God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends who pray for our family and how your faith is carrying me through this when my faith sometimes seems to be in crisis. Thank you for your prayers; thank you for following Jesus' call to unite as one body under His head. Thank you for your hugs and your love. Thank you for the prayers that Jesus would hold us in His arms and strengthen our faith, because I know in my own life, He is doing just this, and He continues to help me through this by causing me to think on His promises. I feel that it is important that I tell you all that even when this hurts, even when I feel like it's going to kill me, I know my God is real; I know my God is in control. I know He is Just, Fair, Omniscient, even when things don't feel that way. His character and His promises are what hold me up.

An Early Birthday Celebration

2011-07-19T20:25:00.007-06:00

Tonight was a special night, because tonight we celebrated Zooey's birthday a little early (lucky girl gets 2 birthday parties for her 2nd year...not a precedent for years to come! :)). I have really been grieving the loss of a grandma for Zooey and have been upset over the fact that my mom will most likely not be here for Zooey's birthday in October, so someone suggested having an early birthday party with my mom. Wow! Such a good idea! This idea brought tears to my eyes, and I immediately told my mom about it. My mom was very excited, and I think she might've been thinking about missing Zooey's birthday, too. It was such a blessing to have a small get-together tonight with our immediate family to celebrate Zooey's life with my mom present.

One of the things I love most about my mom is what a wonderful grandma she is. The joy and love that pour out of her for my sweet girl just astound me. Every time Zooey did something cute tonight, from devouring her pizza, to coyly pulling out the tissue paper from her gift bags, to savoring her cake, my mom lit up. I was so glad she got to experience this, as it is always so evident that Zooey brings such joy to her heart. I am so thankful for the idea and thankful we got to do this. We took a ton of pictures, some of which are in a slideshow below, and I will cherish tonight forever.

I will tell my little girl about how much her family loves her, that her grandma loves her & she loves her grandma so much! I will show her these pictures and the joy on my mom's face tonight. I will remember going shopping and how I got to spend that time with my mom picking out the perfect doll and how I went over to show her the decorations that Zooey picked out and how her grandma was so excited to have a party for her, to celebrate her. Tonight was special indeed; I feel very blessed that God gave our family this sweet time.

An Update

2011-07-17T19:54:00.004-06:00

Many of you have asked either in real life or online how my mom is doing. Although I sent out an update via email to our prayer chain, I realize some of you may not be included in that, so I wanted to let you all know how she's doing.

About a month ago at her Hospice meeting, the nurse told her that the doctor was concerned with the rate the disease was progressing. She is definitely getting worse. She is fatigued and weak, her cough is worse, she finds it difficult to breathe and her resting heart rate is high due to the pain she is in. According to the Hospice nurse, all these things are normal as the disease progresses and the pain medication she is on adds to her feeling tired and confused. At her last visit (last Wednesday), my mom asked the nurse when she thought my mom would be completely bedridden. Although the nurse cannot give a perfect estimate, she basically said that for now my mom needs to find a fine balance between getting out of the house (which is very important for her sanity, as I'm sure all of us can relate) and resting; if it was up to the nurse, she said, she'd like to see her resting more. She said that right now my mom can muster up enough energy to force herself to do something, and she doesn't want to try to stop her from doing that, because she wants her to enjoy things now, but soon she will find she cannot even muster enough energy to forcer herself to do these things. So, for now, my mom might get out 2-3 times a week for a very brief amount of time before she needs to go back home to rest. The resting is definitely becoming a greater part of her day. She is now to the point where she also feels that she isn't up for much company, which is by no means personal against anyone; it is simply, as the Hospice material says, a normal part of the dying process. There may even come a time soon when she won't want to see her immediate family for visits. She's taking it one day at a time.

Our prayer requests are as follows:
~Protection from spiritual opposition for her and my family
~That her transition to Jesus' arms would be as painless as possible
~That God would give her peace about the unknown (pain, the way the disease will progress) and will hold her firmly in His arms, making His peace overwhelmingly real to her
~That He would bless the time we have left with her
~That God would comfort our family during this time

Thank you for caring and for following along on this journey with our family. It means the world to us, and we greatly appreciate your prayers.

21 months

2011-07-05T14:57:00.003-06:00

This picture seriously melts my heart!

Would you just look at Zooey?! Look at those "big girl legs" and how she's getting leaner and taller and starting to really look like a little girl...less of a baby. Wow! She is so much fun right now. She is very curious and loves to explore. She loves to play outside and has even started to venture away from her toys to look at trees, hummingbirds and Daddy's garden. She is absolutely obsessed with her belly button. She plays with it ALL the time, especially as a comfort, like when she's unsure of a situation; I can see her on the video monitor playing with it as she goes to sleep. Zooey's a very affectionate little girl, giving kisses all the time. She also loves to give snuggles, and I am still blessed enough to get to treasure those snuggles where she lays her head down on my shoulder before bedtime. She had swim lessons this month, a mom/tot class, which she absolutely loved. The only thing she wasn't too sure about was being dunked underwater, but I can't say that I blame her. I am excited to take her swimming more when my gym's pool opens (they have a kid pool). Zooey also really loves the animals. I know I've said that in the past, but she's really starting to enjoy petting them gently and giving them kisses. She likes to give Tiny, the dog, his toy and watch him run around with it. She's gotten a little bit more into TV, and her favorite seems to be Blue's Clues. She loves to color and play with playdough. She's very affectionate with family and loves to have them come over. When I tell her Grandma or RaRa (Sarah) are coming over, she runs to the front door laughing and waits a little bit, thinking they're coming through the door any minute. One of my favorite times of day are when we go wake Daddy up after breakfast. Her excitement over seeing him and giving him kisses just warms my heart to the core!

Challenges this month include pretty bad separation anxiety - sometimes when it's clear I'm not going anywhere, she still cries and clings to me until she's absolutely sure. She's in a hitting/kicking phase, which we're trying to tame with consistent time outs. I've heard it's usually a short phase...let's hope! She usually hits when she's tired or frustrated, and I notice she does it a lot when I'm about to put her down, then she cries. I think she's frustrated and sad because she knows I'm leaving her. One kind of funny thing is that she'll hit and immediately kiss us to apologize. We're working on telling her it's still not ok, but it's pretty clear from the kisses that she already knows that!

Overall she is just a joy. When I put her to bed each night, lately, I am struck yet again with how fast time goes, with how I'll never get that day back. I try very hard to cherish each day and make the most of every moment. I take tons of pictures and even more mental ones. Being a mom is such a gift. A question on my Bible study asked me when I had felt God's blessing, even when I didn't deserve it. I constantly think about how Zooey is such a huge blessing from God, and also a huge responsibility. I hope I glorify Him in my parenting her. I hope I can "box up" a little of this sheer joy in this blog as I journal about our sweet family.

Time

2011-06-18T10:19:00.004-06:00

I feel like time is moving exceptionally fast. I have an almost-two-year-old. I just turned 30. Time with my mom, though, is the thing that seems to be so fleeting. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and all I want is to be near her. I know for many of you, it's been awhile since you've received an update about her. The blunt way to say it is that she's getting worse. She still gets out and about, coming to visit Zooey or going out to eat with us, but her pain level is definitely increased and she's much more tired. Her heart rate is high all the time, which the Hospice nurses say are due to her pain level. Her nurse this week told her that it would not be a surprise to him if it was her heart that did her in, not the cancer. To hear that was very scary for me, because we all know how heart issues can take a person quickly, suddenly...without any warning. I sometimes feel that if she continued to live forever here on this earth, as did I, there would not be enough time or moments to remember or to tell her how I feel about her. Those are the thoughts that cause my heart to sieze in panic, thinking that we truly have such a short time left together, and I still have so much I want to say, so much I wish we could do. I pray that God will give me the time, the words and the guts to express all that I need to before He calls her home. I love her so much.

While this time is very distressful, I have to say I am constantly amazed to be loved by such a big God, the One who holds me in the night when I can't fall back to sleep. The One who gives me just the right passage of Scripture I need on difficult days, like this one from a sweet friend who knows that I've been having even more difficulty sleeping due to unrelated things: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." ~Psalm 3:5. The One who reminds me in those sleepless times that I must continue to praise Him and thank Him for the blessings, because without that kind of perspective it is so hard to see the hope He has for me. The One who reminds me after a workout that He created our bodies to thrive on this earth for a time, breathing and moving healthily, but like Ecclesiastes tells us, there is also "a time to die." I am so thankful to be His princess, a daughter of the Most High King.

20 months

2011-06-05T19:03:00.002-06:00

Zooey is 20 months old. I am in denial that my baby will be two in four short months! This month has been sweet, but also a little trying. I don't know what the deal is, but I find myself praying for patience and saying "Turn off your whiney voice." (internally, it's more like "Stop. The. Screaming.") about 100 times a day. I keep wondering if all the screaming (which seems like a frustrated/mad/give-me-that scream) will cease when she starts talking more, or if maybe she's frustrated she can't communicate the way she wants to. One other frustration is a little separation anxiety at naps and bedtime. Tonight, for example, after our story & song she was signing "Please" and started to cry, because she wanted me to keep holding her. This is more frustrating simply because I wish I could just give in, but I know it's better for her if I stay consistent. It's just hard to see her want me so much and cry for me not to leave her. She's always fine right after I lay her down. Besides the frustrations, however, I am cherishing all the sweet stuff, because I know this stage will soon pass, just like all the others have. Zooey has been extremely affectionate lately. She loves to give snuggles & kisses to family members and those she recognizes (her teacher at Little Gym, the church nursery workers). She has started to hug tightly to me & Ryan's necks when we give her a hug. It melts my heart! She blows kisses, and she'll put her hand to our mouth so we'll blow her a kiss, too. There was a night this month when Ryan was putting her down for bed; after he prayed and said, "In Jesus' Name we pray, Amen," she looked up at him and said "Amen." Aw! Amazing! That story is one of my favorite ones yet about Zooey. I just love how Jesus works in my little girl's heart already in ways that I can't even see quite yet.

Zooey now:

~eats with a spoon most of the time

~is getting at least two of her 2-year molars

~tries to do a lot of things by herself

Zooey loves:

~socializing!

~animals

~cars & trucks

~playing outside (& gets very upset when it's time to go inside)

~shape sorters

Zooey dislikes:

~the end of bathtime

Parenting Zooey continues to be such a joy and a privilege that I am thankful for every day. I love her so much and am so thankful that God gave us such a sweet, loving blessing.

19 months

2011-05-05T10:06:00.000-06:00

Zooey is 19 months old! She had her 18 month well check this month, and she weighed in at 24.4 lbs. and is 30.5" tall. The doctor also confirmed my suspicion that she is indeed getting her first 2 year molar.

Everyone always asks me if Zooey's into everything, and the answer is yes, she is. I turn my back for a few seconds, and she usually is into something new. Most of the time this is a new toy, but the other day it was her climbing & standing up on the open dishwasher! She is filled with curiosity, and she takes everything in with those big blue eyes. Yesterday we were singing one of the songs from the library story time. It is a counting song, and when I got to four, Zooey held up her hand with 5 fingers up, then with her other hand, she folded her thumb in, so that she was saying four, too. I think she's pretty smart. :) Zooey seems to be beginning to say more words. The other night at dinner she said "please;" tonight she said "done" twice. She has a new lovey, Tiger, that she got last month. After a trip to the ER for her first stomach bug (it was as awful & pitiful as it sounds), she really bonded with Tiger, and she calls him "Ta-ga." Zooey also started giving out kisses this month. This is the BEST! She blows kisses, she kisses our cheeks, she kisses her toys; she is just full of love, and it is wonderful. I love Zooey's kisses. It also seems like she's starting to remember places. When I tell her we're going to Little Gym or to see Grandma, she gets very excited. She also gets excited when I tell her we're going to the park. She really likes push toys right now (like the Fisher Price classic push popper), and today she tried to help me push around our little sweeper. Speaking of that, she really just wants to be a part of whatever it is we're doing - vacuuming, cleaning, feeding the animals, talking on the phone. She tries to help me or imitates us doing these things. It's pretty cute.

Zooey's a very determined little girl. When she is trying to do something she can't quite achieve, she gets so frustrated she throws a frustration tantrum. When I ask her if she wants help, she usually signs "please," only to get more angry when I try to help her. She's like her momma like that; I like to try to accomplish things on my own. She's also pretty strong-willed and throws her share of temper tantrums, which we combat with being as consistent as we can. She "comes by it naturally," as my mom says, because Ryan & I are both pretty strong-willed. I think both of these qualities will be good for her as she grows up, as long as she can learn to direct her determination in a positive way. She also needs to learn how to graciously accept help, which I know can be hard to do sometimes. These are some new goals for us as her parents.

Zooey is such a loving child. As mentioned above, she loves to give kisses now. She often checks in with me while she's playing, just to get or give a little snuggle or hug or kiss before she runs off to play again. I was at dinner with my parents this week, and she wanted me to blow her kisses, so she put her hand on my mouth, then when I bent down to her, she snuggled her little cheek against mine. She loves to wake her daddy up with snuggles in the morning, which she follows up by climbing and stepping all over him. She is so much fun, and I am really enjoying this stage in her life.

On Easter, Zooey wore an adorable yellow dress. She came out of her independent play after church to see my mom & dad. She walked down the hallway like it was a catwalk, grinning at my mom and even stopped to bend down and touch her new shoes. She KNEW she was cute in that little dress. It cracked all of us up. She was pretty adorable. My mom thought it was awesome. :)

Zooey loves:
~Tiger

~Shoes. She even gave her friend's shoes a kiss at the library this week!

~Books

~Bath time

~Fish

~Her Bible. She squeals in delight to have it read to her each morning - and this is the only book she does this with.

~Playing outside

~Opening and closing things, like the stuffed-with-treats Easter eggs. :)

~Almond milk; beans

Zooey doesn't like:

~having her hair rinsed during her bath

Little Blessings

2011-04-26T15:52:00.002-06:00

Today has been full of little blessings, straight from God to me. I completed my last BSF lesson for the study of Isaiah, and it was beautiful, full of promises for my future life with God. I was so blessed to read that there will be no remembrance of the former things; they won't even come to mind. Only my BIG God can completely take away all the pain like that, so that someday I will not even remember all the heartache and the sinful habits I had here on this earth. Only God can cause weeping and crying to turn to sounds of joy & delight. I was blessed to read that my big God is also personal enough to answer me before I call & hear while I'm still speaking (Is. 65:24). Wow! And them to read that His peace will extend like a river, that He will comfort me as a mother comforts her children! I pictured myself wiping away Zooey's tears after a big fall and how my mom did that for me and how sometimes only a mommy can really comfort those tears. To know that my God will comfort me with that same tenderness just captures my heart.

I was also blessed to spend time with a good friend today, to catch up and enjoy her & her sweet daughter's lovely company. I was blessed with Zooey taking a long nap. I was blessed by Zooey kisses on my cheek! And, I am super blessed to be able to go on a date tonight with Ryan. What a wonderful day. Thank you, Jesus!

Little things I love this week

2011-04-21T15:16:00.004-06:00

~Snuggling up with a toddler to read her new library books
~Lovely spring weather
~Running
~Isaiah 61
~My new washing machine
~Watermelon
~Friendship
~Coconut milk

2011-04-19T20:07:00.008-06:00

As much as I feel like I've been through the gamut with the emotions of grief, I realized today how much denial I am still in about my mom. About a month ago, we met with a local Hospice care, so that when her doctor gave her the referral on the 29th, she'd know who she wanted to use. Well, the referral has come & gone, and yesterday she had her first appointment with Hospice in her home. She's been prescribed morphine drops for her pain. She hadn't told me before yesterday that she is super breathless when she gets out of the bath, and she can no longer walk her dog as she runs out of breath. The nurse was supposed to go by today to show her how to administer the drugs, which she's going to start taking if she feels in pain or out of breath.

For some reason, the fact that Hospice really came to her house has made the fact that she's going to die much more real to me today. A million thoughts have run through my head today, thoughts about how I won't be able to just pick up the phone and call her to talk about our days. She cares about and is so close to Zooey; it saddens me so much that I won't be able to share all Zooey's cute little moments and her milestones with my mom, who cares so much and gets so excited over her little Zooey. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to call her for her take on a tough passage of Scripture or to share all I've learned in BSF. Those are some of the thoughts I've been having. It kills me that I am going to have to see her suffer; I pray all the time that her suffering will be minimal before Jesus calls her to heaven.

I worry so much that I won't be a good mom in the midst of my grief, that my emotions will overtake me and I won't be able to care for my little girl. Those of you who have been praying, this is my biggest request for myself, that God will fully enable me to grieve, without totally losing it, and care for my family.

I don't get it, still. I don't understand why God's going to take her home. There are many days I still don't think it's "fair," and I still get angry about it. Thank God, though, that I serve such a personal, intimate God who cares about me and all my emotions. Last night, the speaker at BSF said, "We're in Christ, adn even when we can't see HIm, we can rest in assurance He's there. We can look up. We can trust that He knows and will see it through to the day of God's glory. Just today, I opened my Bible to read "He has sent me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:1b,3. "I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations." Is. 61:10-11. And, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Today as I was driving around, the song "Blessings" came on the radio, and the DJ said that Christians will suffer just like anyone else, but we have the assurance of knowing that God is with us and will walk alongside us through our suffering.

So...I don't get it, it hurts, and I hate it; however, I am going to focus on these truths today and let God take me moment by moment through all the hurt and all the heartache until the day of God's glory. I know, because of the verses in Isaiah, that her being with Jesus is going to be WAY more amazing and beautiful than this earth. I rejoice that someday I will meet Jesus face to face where I will be adorned in His beautiful garments, and I will see my mom again. We'll be able to share all the things we know about Jesus together again, and we'll be able to praise Him side by side. These are the truths I'm going to hold onto as I praise Him in this storm.

18 months

2011-03-26T20:05:00.005-06:00

Zooey is 18 months old today. I am so amazed at how fast time has gone, and I cannot believe little Zooey's been a part of our lives for a year and a half. She makes our family so complete. I have to really concentrate to remember life before her, and I cannot imagine life without her. She hasn't yet had her 18 month check-up, so I don't know how much she weighs and how tall she is, but I'm going to estimate she weighs about 22 pounds and is close to 29 inches tall (if not a little taller). We've been really enjoying our wonderful weather with lots of play dates and trips to the park & zoo. She continues to be more and more curious about her surroundings. Last week I took her to the botanical gardens, and it was so much fun to see her explore on her own for awhile and get excited over some of the farm animals. Today I took her for a run, and she was pointing at things constantly and laughing and talking away. We tried coloring this month (as you can see). She had fun, but she also tried to eat the markers. Practice makes perfect? :) Zooey was moved up to the walker's class at church; she's becoming such a big girl, and it's all so bittersweet sometimes. She is officially down to one afternoon nap a day, unless she is just exhausted, in which case we'll do 2 or put her to bed early. I have the sneaking suspicion that she's getting her 2-year molars. Of course, molars take forever, but I can see some white under the gums and brushing her teeth has become a daily scream-fest. Zooey laughs at everything; I don't usually know what she's laughing about (traffic? red lights? trees? the dog?), but it's precious. She is such a sweet girl and a blessing. She is learning to be obedient and patient and how to pick up her toys. I pray for her everyday, that God will grow her to be a godly woman who follows Him with her all. Zooey is also very loving, and she will come up to me or Ryan to give us hugs and snuggles frequently while we're playing. Just today, she melted my heart by coming up to me out of the blue and giving me a hug and snuggle. Such a sweetie!

Zooey loves:

-bubble baths (yay! finally!)

-picking out books for bedtime

-ice cream!! (That pic of her screaming above? Yeah, that's when she had ice cream for dessert and I told her it was all gone.)

-books, books, books! She also loves story time at the library.

-aquarium/zoo. On our last trip to the aquarium, she was really into it, running back and forth between the tank and me, laughing up a storm. It was adorable

Zooey dislikes:

-There aren't any huge dislikes right now; however, we've hit that "picky eater phase" that most toddlers seem to go through. I definitely dislike this. :)

17 months

2011-03-05T20:25:00.002-07:00

Zooey's 17 months old! Time flies at an incredible rate sometimes, doesn't it? Zooey is so much fun to be around! She's really a social butterfly, and she loves to be around the whole family; she totally hams it up for everyone. I just can't get enough of her, and I try to soak up each moment with her since they are so fleeting. Tonight she fell asleep on my chest before I had even done praying with her (she was exhausted, poor girl!). It was such a sweet moment and one of the ones I know I won't get forever. Another of my favorite times of day is when we get to play after her nap and before dinner. She's so cheerful when she wakes up, and she tells me lots of stories while she has her snack. Right now she's really into bringing me things to show them to me, and when she does, she likes to crawl onto my lap and have a snuggle before she hops off to bring me something else. She continues to love books and being read to, and often times books are what she spends her free play with. She will sit and flip through them or bring them to me and Ryan to read to her. Zooey is very attentive and loves to check everything out with the cutest look of concentration I've ever seen. We introduced Zooey to roomtime for her independent play, instead of having her do it in her playpen. the first few days were quite the adventure for her: diapers everywhere, wipes pulled out, the diaper genie knocked over...I don't even know how she thought about all that stuff! But, since we've picked up those items, she enjoys it and plays happily with a few toys. She's so precious, and being her momma is a huge joy.

Zooey likes:

~to walk out the front door and to the car like a big girl

~the park! She is Miss Independent and loves to try to climb the steps all by her self.

~her pink kitty cat she got from Grandma for Valentine's Day

~shoes (do I foresee a future problem?) :)

~to help clean up. She likes to clap to our "clean up song" and she puts everything on the shelf where her shoes go. She loves her shoes!

~dancing

~trying to find Mommy when I play hide and seek

~playing "monster Daddy!"

~to point out objects in books

~to wake Daddy up in the morning

Zooey dislikes:

~There's not much Zooey doesn't like at this stage, except being told no, but what kid does like that?

Zooey now:

~Says words that only Mommy and Daddy (and sometimes Grandma) can understand. She says "TaTa" for Tiny (our dog), "badada" for banana, "kikat" for kitty cat. She also says "gate," "cat," and "dog" pretty clearly.

~Something cute that Zooey does is laugh when we say something's silly. :)

A Personal God

2011-03-01T15:52:00.003-07:00

Oh how I wish I could capture all the reminders that God is alive and present and working intimately in my life. I am deeply thankful that He has answered my prayer to open my eyes to see His comfort and what He has for me in the last few weeks. My mom decided to fore go further treatment, so the last week has been a rough one. My mom is a godly lady, and I know that she devoted much prayer to her decision. I also totally understand her choice. I would not want to be sick in bed for two weeks and have to get treatment every three, only to have one good week in between. That would not be a great way to spend the rest of this earthly life. I really feel that this choice sunk in with me last Tuesday, when I did my lesson and God revealed to me "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed. I will not yield my glory to another" in Isaiah 48:10-11. Saturday at Leader's, we sung, "Trust Him When They Wants Are Many," a hymn by Lucy A. Bennett, and the room got quiet at just the right time: "Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, trust Him when thy strength is small, trust Him when to simply trust Him seems the hardest thing of all." And to top that off, He gave me many words of comfort at our fellowship.

Monday I got a beautiful email in response to my prayer for healing of this icky sinus thing. It said, "Remember our God of great comfort and strength who gives comfort to His people Comfort, Comfort my people says your God. Is. 40:1 and Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will walk and will not faint. Is. 40:31. But when we don't think we can soar, walk or run one more step...He says 'I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'do not fear, I will help you.'"

The last few days have been filled with opposition on my time regarding my service to Him. I was late to BSF last night and a MOPS group this morning for which I made food for, because it just seems like everything hits when you need to go somewhere to do something for Him. I'm sick again, too, and my prayer in the car was something close to, although not verbatim, "God don't you see? How much more, Lord?" And how gracious is He to remind me He's here, He remembers and sees me with this AMAZING verse, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me" Isaiah 49:16. He also gave me vs. 13 "Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones."

So you see, I don't need to worry about my future or even the present. He's got it.

God is real. Jesus IS personal. He is a Promise Keeper who never breaks His promises.

16 months

2011-02-05T20:20:00.002-07:00

Zooey's 16 months old! It's been an exciting month with lots of changes, mostly in Zooey's little personality. Zooey is definitely a little toddler now. She curiously approaches everything, usually in the manner of look, grab & go-go-go. I am beginning to understand why mommies of toddlers are always so tired. This is a very fun age, though, and I'm having a lot of fun showing Zooey new things and taking her places, because, unlike before, she really thinks about things and wants to take it all in. We're able to get more creative in the ways we entertain her to get her wiggles out, such as going to the park and playing in the back yard. She's walking really well now, so it's fun to take her somewhere and watch her explore. She likes the park a lot and is growing fonder of the swing; however, she is growing less fond of the sand and doesn't really like to touch it. We also had a "big" snow here for the first time in a long while, and to catch her reactions on camera was a blessing. She wasn't sure about it; she'd smile and laugh then kind of freak out and reach for me to pick her up.

We joined the Little Gym in January, and although her first attempts were tentative, she loves it now. She especially loves it when they blow bubbles or let out all the balls for her to play with. Zooey enjoys exploring the Little Gym just like everything else, and she's becoming more adventurous in her gymnastic feats. I feel very blessed to get to see her excitement over getting to do fun things like somersaults and rolls. She loves it, and her joy is contagious!

Zooey can now:

~clap when you ask her to or when she sees others clapping

~walk really well and even tries to go super fast before she freaks out and sits down :)

~gives us "snuggles" when we ask for them - we love this!

~can sign "please" and "bubbles"

~recognize people by name when asked and points to them, even in pictures. She gets super excited sometimes when we ask her if she wants to go see Grandma or RaRa or Daddy. :)

~She has now hit that toddler phase where she tests the limits, pulls everything down that she can reach, etc. She loves to discover new things!

Zooey loves:

~books, reading

~to pull her toys into her changing table in the morning before we come in

~she's really starting to get into stuffed animals & gives them snuggles

~Little Gym

~being outside

~laughing, and she will laugh or scream when we say something's silly

~tofu

~spaghetti sauce

Zooey hates:

~being told no (duh!)

~blanket time, even though I'm committed to it, because she is clearly a child who needs limits :)

Isaiah 40

2011-01-25T17:07:00.002-07:00

God is so good. Seriously, all the time. I don't know what I would do or how I would live without Him; I cannot imagine going through my life without having His promises to hold onto, without His love to envelop me when I felt like I couldn't make it through the day.

The last two days have been hard. Last night at BSF, God just gave me some beautiful gems through the lecture and through the homiletics time with the kids. Today, I sat down and completed my lesson (Isaiah 40:12-31), and it was just such a blessing. My God, the One who measured the waters in His hand, who marked off the heavens with the breadth of His hand, holds me in those big hands. I am safe. I am cared for. Just knowing that He can do all that yet holds me tenderly with those big hands that control so much gives me a breath of His peace. My God hasn't forgotten about me. When I feel at a loss of what to do, or that things are out of control or I just want some guidance, He's the right person to go to, because He knows all and is all Powerful. If I just choose to look up to Him instead of around at my circumstances I see that He has brought out the starry host one by one "and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength not one is missing." How much greater is His care for human life than even His great care of the stars? He gives me just what I need, and when I feel beaten down by the world around me, by what's going on in my life and my family's lives right now, I know that He is my source of strength and energy. I know if the only amount of faith I have is to simply call out "Jesus" through my tears, that it is enough and He will transform it to renew my strength, soar on wings like eagles, run & not grow weary and walk and not be faint. And this is just what He did for me today. I am constantly amazed that on the days when I feel like I just can't walk this journey, and I wish I could just make it go away, that He opens a new viewpoint of His glory, His presence and His love just for me. Thank you, Lord, for the hope of this lesson today.

Isaiah 40:12-14 "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?"

Isaiah 40:21-22 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in."

Is. 40:25-26 "'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."

Is. 40:28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

15 months

2011-01-05T13:24:00.002-07:00

Zooey's 15 months old. It seems like she's really becoming our little toddler now, physically and emotionally. Christmas was a lot of fun with Zooey this year. She really enjoyed the tissue paper and bows, and she tried to go after everyone else's gifts to pull the bows off. She's really becoming more independent, and even though she can't say what she wants or doesn't want, she's very clear about letting us know. She will for example, point to the bananas in the kitchen or to her toy kitchen. Or, she will throw a mini-fit when it's time to put on her jacket, take a nap, etc. when she doesn't want to. Although there are challenges with this age, I am really enjoying it. It is fun to watch her concentrate and try to do something, like build with her new blocks and see her master it a few days later. She is trying to get into everything and she is so smart. She is also very strong, maneuvering her dino-walker and little table all over the living room and hallway. I love to watch Zooey get a look of pride when she does what she was trying to do (like the picture of her pushing her table - she picked it up and turned it to bring it in the living room and was super proud of herself).

Zooey likes:

~to give kisses (she smacks her lips when we say kisses)

~these little cloth stacking cups she got for Christmas; she plays with them in her crib in the morning and tries to make a hat out of them

~books: being read to, flipping through them, pushing them on the ground

~to give "snuggles" and hugs our legs

~her new toy kitchen, and she likes to feed the baby doll with her toy spoon

Zooey doesn't like:

~getting her hair washed

~waiting (for food, mostly)

Zooey can now:

~toddle...she can walk about the length of our living room

~sign the word "eat"

~blow raspberries

Being a mom is an amazing job, and as always I'm just bursting with love and joy that I get to spend my days with this sweet girl.

It's a Sad Sad Sad Sad World

2010-12-30T16:33:00.003-07:00

The weather's gloomy today. I love snow, and for the five minutes it lasted, I was quite excited. I even showed Zooey, until she tried to rip the curtain rod down on herself. Despite being completely unmotivated to do anything on my list, I've accomplished most of it. But...I did most of it out of distraction. I read today on a blog I follow that a lady lost one of her twins after delivery. Someone told me today about someone they know commiting suicide yesterday, with a pregnant wife at home. I got news of someone dying today. And while I am certainly holding onto the hope of Christ in my mom's situation, and in my life - that one day there will be no more sorrow or sighing and that He will wipe every tear from my eyes - I can't help but feel the deep sadness that sin has brought to our world. I want to fold my arms across my chest and sit in a corner and pout "It's not fair!" Because it really, really, really doesn't feel fair. Life HURTS sometimes. My heart HURTS today. I struggle to look toward my Hope today.

I just realized that I have yet to blog the results of my mom's tests. The cancer is back. We are unsure if it is the type from the mutated gene (which would give her anywhere from 4-12 mos. life expectency) or the other type (up to 24 mos.). We will find that out on the 5th.

This news feels unreal to me. As I've said before, I hate grief. Who doesn't? It is such an odd feeling to be talking to my mom on the phone about how she's feeling, as if it's any run of the mill illness when in the middle of the conversation I realize that this is something that will never go away but only get worse. What an odd mix of denial, depression and acceptance. Odd truly is the only way I can describe it...to feel so many emotions at once. How do you lose a parent? How do you go through that? This doesn't match up at all with what my expectations were. I "expected" my mom to be around a long time, just like my grandma was & is - for the birth of my next child, for Zooey's graduation, wedding, etc. I didn't "expect" to have to deal with this type of loss so soon in my life.

I have been thinking of many memories in the last few weeks. I remember my mom being pregnant with Sarah & feeling her move in my mom's belly. I remember Sarah being born and going to see her & my mom in the hospital. I remember making Chex Mix with my mom and decorating the tree, doing projects from Hilights Magazine with her, going on a field trip with her as one of the chaperones at the zoo in 1st grade, playing dress up in her nightgowns, making cookies, going shopping for a prom dress, having her wave to me from the bleachers at the football games when I performed. She was there for scrapes, a broken bone and a broken heart; for the birth of my child and mothering freakouts in Zooey's first year of life. I remember her leading me to the Lord when I was five years old on my blue carpet in my old room. She has always been there. How do you lose someone you have always known?

The only other Constant Companion I've had my entire life is God. So even though it's hard, I will choose to remember the other hard times He's held me through. I will choose to remember and read about how He's delivered His people time and again. I will ask Him tonight for the faith I cannot find on my own. I don't get it, but He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~ Psalm 33:11

The Silence Of God

2010-12-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

Concerned But Not Without Hope

2010-12-17T14:07:00.005-07:00

My mom had her PET scan review with Dr. B (the oncologist) on Wednesday. The news is not so great. She apparently has a large pleurel effusion in her left lung lining, where the lobe they removed would be. She also has a mass showing metabolic activity and some new lymph node activity, including some in her neck. Dr. B & Dr. N (the pulmonologist) both feel that it is highly unlikely that these things alone and in combination are a result of the sarcoids, and they feel that it is a sign of cancer.

She had blood work yesterday, and today she had the procedure done to drain the fluid in her lung. They said the fluid was yellow, which apparently is a good color if there has to be fluid. She has to just kind of take it easy and not lift anything heavy for about a week. She will meet with Dr. B next Wednesday to discuss the results. Dr. B considers her lung cancer non-smoker's cancer and will test her past tumor (and if it's cancer this time) to verify what type of cancer it is. If it is the type that is related to a gene, there are two pills she can take daily, giving her approximately 18 mos. - 2 yrs. of life. If it is the other type of cancer, Dr. B estimates she has 3-8 mos. left, maybe more because my mom is young and in pretty good shape. In this case, they will offer her pallative care and a type of more mild chemo ("not a toxic kind" my mom said) and switch it once it stops working.

This news is so devastating to me. I don't understand why it's happening. It hurts so much, and of course the waiting is so hard. I feel like God has prepared me for this, whatever may come, though, through my study of Isaiah this year. Throughout the book He promises Christ's return and the hope we have that we will someday be with Him and our loved ones again. His compassion is so evident to His people throughout the chapters. God keeps bringing the truths and lessons to my mind as I pray and seek Him. From the notes last week: "God's purposes in discipline of His people are always change, reunion with Him, and restoration. Not all 'attacks' or stuggles are brought on by God in response to sin, but He uses hardships to make His own children resilient and focused in faith." (italics mine) There has been an ongoing theme that He has placed on my heart: Go to God first. Go to God no matter what the circumstance. The circumstance may not change, you may not understand, but go to Him who never changes and is in perfect control to offer you perfect peace. Go to the One who gave His life for you, so that you can experience His merciful compassion. Everything and everyone else offers a false sense of security; go to Him with your anxiety and your troubles. He doesn't change. He is JUST, He is FAIR when life isn't. He is ALWAYS there. These are the lessons I'm holding onto, because honestly, there's nothing else I can do. I'm praying so hard that He will heal her, that the cancer's not there, but I'm praying equally hard that if that's not His will that He will draw me closer to Him, help me to minister to my family and that He will hold each of us, especially my mom, so close that we can feel Him.

God has been so faithful to point things out to me when I open my Bible. Just this morning, when doing my lesson, I read "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.' Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." This is the promise that believers in Christ have to look forward to. Even when death is feared, there is hope in Christ.

We are in the full swing of the Christmas season. In eight days, we will be sitting around a dinner table with family and friends and opening gifts. Many of us will go to church, some of us may only go this one night a year. Will you take a moment this year to ponder what exactly it is you're celebrating? God Himself came to earth, put skin on and walked among us. He willingly stepped out of the perfection of Heaven in his Glory and placed Himself in this life - this life where there's so much pain, sorrow, suffering, all because of our sin - and then He willingly took a beating and died a gruesome death that we all deserve to die, so that each person who chose Him might be free. Free from sin, free to really live, free to have hope & peace in the midst of fear and pain. When we celebrate Christmas, we are celebrating the beginning of Jesus' life on earth, the miracle of God becoming Man, so that He could become the only Perfect sacrifice for you and for me. I pray that your Christmas is filled with His rich blessings, peace and Hope.

14 months

2010-12-05T22:08:00.002-07:00

Well, Zooey's 14th month of life has come and gone, and as always I am amazed at how fast time flies and how much she changes in just a single month. We got to visit Ryan's family up in CO for five days, and while we were there we watched some video of Zooey when she was 7 weeks, 7 months and some that was taken throughout the week. She has grown so much! Sometimes when I look at her newborn pictures it's hard to believe that she's the same baby. Zooey is a very smart girl. She understands "no" and will usually stop doing what it is when we tell her not to. We put up our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, and from the first moment she looked at it and we told her "no touch" she hasn't tried to touch it one single time. She looks at it in awe and wonder, but she knows the rules. :) Every morning I sit with Zooey in her room while she has her milk & our "snuggle time," then I ask her if she wants to read her Bible. She looks at it and starts smiling and bouncing with excitement. I personally believe that children are much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, & I believe that Jesus shows Himself to these little ones. When I tell Zooey "Jesus loves you, Zooey," I usually get smiles and giggles in reply. It's so amazing and a huge privilege to be able to teach my sweet girl about Jesus and His love for her. I did a quick Starbucks run today and was telling Zooey the Christmas story as we drove; I was overcome by emotion that He entrusted me to raise her up in Him and that He cares SO incredibly much for her that He thought of her before she was even conceived...that He put on skin to live and die for her so that she can live eternally. I pray that God will use her mightily for His purpose.

Zooey loves:

-Banana

-Exploring new places (gym, church nursery); at the gym they call her "Miss Independent" and say she leaves a little trail of destruction in her conquest of the room. :)

-To feed herself table foods

-To snuggle before naps (I love this, too!)

Zooey dislikes:

-She still doesn't like naps or getting changed/dressed

Zooey now:

-has taken a couple steps on her own but still needs to work up her confidence level to walk :)

-signs "more"

-stands independently for longer periods of time

-Her hair's getting so long and pretty!

13 months

2010-11-05T13:22:00.001-06:00

Zooey is definitely becoming a toddler! Although she can't walk, or "toddle," around yet, she is into everything she can get her hands on. While we've taken more of a boundary-type approach to babyproofing things that are off limits, we've started to babyproof some things that could seriously injure her. I know this will probably change soon, but at the moment Zooey usually listens to our voice when we tell her "no" or "do not touch." She is definitely starting to express her displeasure with having something taken away from her or us moving her from where she is playing when we need to. She also throws mini-fits when she's being changed and during bathtime. I think she doesn't want to sit still and she doesn't like having that control taken away from her. She is definitely a strong-willed child, just like her dad. :) ::ahem - and her mom, too::

My living room is even more filled with toys and books than it used to be, but that's ok, because it's so fun watching her explore. One of her favorite things to do right now is to take a bunch of books down and push her favorite one around the floor or hide it under the rug.

As I said before, Zooey can't walk on her own, yet, but she really enjoys pushing her dinosaur that RaRa & Uncle Rey gave her for her birthday. She's also begining to stand on her own; I don't have any pic's of that, but she can do it for about 30 seconds max right now. She's cruising more and more, and I know it'll be just about any day before she starts walking.

Zooey has become very interested in animals. She loves our animals, but she's also really begun to notice animals on TV, and her favorite books are the ones with animals. She especially loves a book about kittens, and she gets very upset if I take that one away or put it down after reading it to her. I'm so thankful we got such a gentle dog, because his poor ears are a new obsession of Zooey's. Zooey's still taking two naps a day, which I love; the girl loves her sleep.

Zooey just had her 12 month well-check last week. We were a little late due to a number of factors and being out of town, but she looks great. She's a little one, but so are her mom & dad, and the doctor said she looks great. She weighed 19.2 lbs. and is 27 3/4 in. long. Zooey also weaned herself after an ear infection, which was a bit of a surprise and bittersweet, but I'm glad she's the one who did it. That was actually an answer to prayer.

I love my girl so much, and it's incredibly fun to see her learning and exploring new things every day. I know by the end of this year she won't look like a little baby anymore, and she'll be walking and talking more; she'll be a little "kid." I cherish every day with her, and my heart just overflows with love every time I look at her.

Zooey likes:

books

Raffy the giraffe, her new addition to her crib

finger foods, especially turkey

pointing

wiggling her feet when I wiggle mine

blocks

pushing walking toys

Zooey doesn't like:

getting changed

bathtime

getting her teeth brushed

Zooey is 1 year old today!

2010-10-05T12:01:00.006-06:00

Although I can't believe it, my baby is now one year old. She still seems like such a baby to me. I think that's why moms continue to say their baby's age in months: they're in denial that their baby's not "technically considered" a baby anymore. Ryan and I agreed we're not calling Zooey a toddler until she's walking, and maybe not even then. :)

Zooey's party was a lot of fun. We had family and friends over to the house, and the weather's been so beautiful here that we were able to have the party out back. She got a lot of nice toys and some adorable clothes that I'm really looking to put her in now that the weather's cooling down. It was just such a blessing to be able to celebrate her sweet life with everyone. She didn't get too upset when Ryan or I weren't around, and she seemed to enjoy herself quite a bit. Zooey doesn't really like touching certain textures, so I was pretty sure she wouldn't dig into her cake like I've seen some babies do. She didn't dig in, but she kind of fingerpainted and sucked on her fingers, and, of course, Daddy spoiled her and hand-fed her some cake, too. She really did enjoy the icing.

Zooey hasn't had her 12 month check-up yet, so I'm not exactly sure of how much she weighs and how tall she is.

Zooey likes:

yogurt & applesauce (now when she sees the containers she tries to lunge out of her chair and squeals)

graham crackers

Daddy - she is such a daddy's girl that sometimes she screams when we walk away from him just to go to the other room

stacking cups

books

shaped blocks

her Leap Frog table

her seahorse - she turns it on then rubs her tummy to self-soothe (Aw! Cutest thing!)

animals

most of the time, she likes bathtime again

Zooey dislikes:

diaper changes...getting dressed

Zooey now:

pulls herself to standing

is starting to "cruise"

can say dog, cat, all done (or "all-duh") and "ga" which means "more" to her

can sign all done

has one molar in

points all the time at things and can point when we ask her where something is

gives her daddy "five" when he tells her to

waves when we say the words hi or bye

A friend of mine asked how I've changed as a mom over the last year. I thought that was a good question to blog about. I think the biggest change has been my view of God's love for us. I now have a glimpse of the love He has for us as His children that I didn't truly get before. It has increased my trust in Him immensely. Also, everyone told me to cherish the time with Zooey because of how fast it goes. I didn't get that before she came. I do now. I want to take as many pictures, get as many snuggles, kiss as many cheeks and soak up every belly laugh I can. I truly understand now why the Bible says that children are a gift from God. Zooey is such a sweet, amazing, precious gift and a blessing to our family. I also knew I was going to pray for Zooey, but I had no idea how fervently I would pray for her. How God's best for her is my ultimate concern. I petition Him for new ways to pray for her, and I pray for her all the time. This love is immense, and I hope when she grows she will know how much love I have for her.

Zooey is 11 months old today!

2010-09-05T20:37:00.002-06:00

Ok, you know you're in serious denial about your baby entering their 12th month when you keep saying, "I need to take her 5 month pictures today!" Wow. I don't know where that came from, other than pure denial.

Ohmygoodness my baby is going to be a year old next month! Crazy! It seems like she is becoming such a big girl these days.

Zooey likes:

our animals

blocks

stuffed animals - she now talks to them and strokes them

going on runs with me and looking around (she squeals in delight at all she sees)

balls - she's started to copy daddy and drops and attempts to roll the balls

stacking or measuring cups

"reading" books

applesauce

Zooey hates:

bathtime, for some reason...I'm hoping it's just a phase

...and lotion and PJ time, too :(

waiting for her food, which she protests with a very high pitched whine

Zooey can now:

sit up from her tummy

crawl

stand while holding onto something

mimic me & Ryan: actions, some words (all done, bye bye)

say DaDa

Cute stuff:

She started babbling all the time.

She talks to her seahorse when she wakes up.

She crinkles her nose and bounces when she gets really excited.

She musses her hair if I try to smooth it.

She gets a kick out herself and starts laughing, usually when she gets a toy or in her playpen.

Whenever one of the animals come in the room, she goes, "AAAAAAHHHH!!!!" and pumps her arms and kicks her legs in excitement.

She shakes her head "no" all the time, though I know she doesn't know what it means.

She waves "hi" and "bye" to almost everyone.

She throws herself at me or Ryan when one of us has been away from her, even for an hour (I treasure this, because I know 13 years will go fast, and then I'll get an eye roll and a grunt. :) )

I'm sure I'm forgetting about a thousand things I wish I could capture and remember, but these are the things that really stand out to me. A quote comes to my head a lot; I'm unsure of the source, but it's "Motherhood is wearing your heart outside of your body." It's so true. I look at Zooey, and she is my heart. I want so much for her; I want the best for her. Having a child has really deepened my faith in that way; I can see now that as a Father, God truly does want His best for us.

Zooey is such a sweet girl, and everyone who meets her says that. She's just full of smiles for everyone, even if it takes her a bit to warm up to them. She's so much fun, and every morning when I go in to get her, I am filled with joy at her sweet, smiling face.

Remission

2010-08-21T20:32:00.002-06:00

My mom had a PET scan about 2 weeks ago, and she met with her oncologist on Wednesday to go over the results. The doctor said the scans look as good as she'd like to see them, and she'd consider my mom in remission. Praise God! This is just such an awesome blessing. Here is a copy of the update she wanted sent out:

"I went to see my oncologist today to get the results of my PET scan. She was very happy and said the results were very good! The mass is the lung is almost completely resolved. She said there was no cancer in the lung. I do have some pleural thickening in the lower left lobe. We have already discussed this and I can feel it, so that was no surprise. The lymph nodes are still enlarged and calcified and is most likely due to the sarcoidosis.She said I was given the best treatment for my condition and she is very optimistic given my unusual situation. Then she told me that I was in remission. Yay! I am very happy with this report and I praise God for helping me each and every step along this difficult road. I will return for another PET scan in four months. My life is on God's hands. I just want to live each day in a way that pleases Him and to enjoy His many blessings; many that I have taken for granted.Thanks again for your prayers!"

This was just such awesome news to get. I am so incredibly happy and am giving thanks to God for this blessing.

Lolli Beans Giveaway on babywisemom

2010-08-06T20:38:00.002-06:00

Oh my goodness! I am so excited about this giveaway - probably more excited than any other giveaway I've tried to win before. Lolli Beans is giving a way a $100.00 gift card over on www.babywisemom.com. Lolli Beans (http://lollibeans.com/) has some adorable clothing and tons of organic baby items. Here's hoping to winning! Check it out: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/08/product-review-lolli-beans-organics.html.

Zooey is 10 months old today!

2010-08-05T20:55:00.003-06:00

Although I have enjoyed every minute with Zooey, and I definitely have my favorites, I think this past month has been my favorite month overall. Zooey's really beginning to develop a personality, and it's so much fun to watch. When I go in to get her up in the morning or from a nap, she now flips immediately onto her tummy and pops her head up to smile at me. She will babble nonstop from her highchair while I'm cooking dinner - to me, to the cats, to the dog, to Ryan. Zooey has this "scrunchy" smile she smiles that's just like mine. She says "mmmmm" while she's eating (although I know she doesn't know what "mmmmm" means, it's still cute). She has always been a very alert baby, but now more than ever she takes everything in and loves to examine the intricate details of things (like the bangs on her little plush doll or the fibers of the carpet). She is shy when we first walk into a room where others are; she does this cute thing where she smiles at them but then turns her head into my shoulder being bashful, but then she's all smiles and usually doesn't cry if I have to leave her. She laughs and laughs at who knows what, but it's so fun to see her getting a kick out of something. She likes to interact with other children, likes to touch their faces and copy them playing with the toys in the nursery. Zooey loves playing airplane with Ryan; the other day I caught the sweetest sight of them in her room - him holding her up in the air and her squealing with delight. There are so many other little things she does that I just find so fun and adorable! Even though I don't really think it's cute when she whines and persists when she's impatient or we take something away from her, I like that she's becoming more aware and learning more everyday, that she's becoming her own little person. Once again, all I can say is I am blessed and honored to be her mom.

Zooey likes:

touch & feel books

sleeping on her tummy or in the corner of her crib

faces: especially grabbing eyelashes and trying to shove her whole hand in our mouths

the digital clock on the microwave

her car mirror

fish

Zooey dislikes:

sunscreen application

to be burped, changed, dressed, etc. (but this could also be because she's in a leap again)

Zooey's new skills:

turns pages in books

scoots...rolls all over

really improved with the sippy cup!

says "mama" all the time (my personal favorite :) )

is thisclose to pushing herself up to sitting from her tummy and to crawling

Zooey had her 9 month checkup a little late, about 2 weeks ago. She weighed 17.8 lbs. and is 26" tall! Tonight I put her in 12 month pj's, and they're a little big but will definitely fit soon. I can't believe it!

Only two more months until my baby's one year old. Wow. This time with her is so amazing.

What's normal?

2010-07-24T20:15:00.000-06:00

Life seems "back to normal" with the Cancer situation. Mom's back at work. She looks healthy, once again. Will things ever really be back to normal though? Will we all be waiting for the call after a scan - the call that says "the cancer's back"? It's extra hard, I think, in Mom's case, because of the sarcoidosis. Stupid things won't ever let them see if they even got it all. They'll be able to do comparison scans with what they've done and will do to see if there are any changes, but since the sarcoids look dark on the scan just like cancer, they'll never really be able to tell if they got it all. Ugh. It's scary. I find myself praying at night, "Please don't let her die, God. Please don't let her die." Of course, I seek God's will for her. Selfishly, though? I just want her here. I cannot imagine it. I don't let my mind go there. I read the statistics for lung cancer funding, and it makes me sick. Things like "The underfunding of lung cancer has kept its survival rate as low as it was in 1971." " 53% of lung cancer in women is not attributed to smoking." "Lung cancer is the leading cause of all cancer deaths for both men and women, accounting for 30% of all cancer deaths." I don't really know what the point of this post was...to vent, maybe? To ask for your prayers? Probably. I just continue to pray that it's gone and that we will never see it again.

Zooey is 9 months old today!

2010-07-05T13:46:00.000-06:00

How fast nine months goes! In 9 months, I went from this:

(14 weeks pregnant)

to this:

and got this sweet girl:

who now, 9 months later, looks like this:

::"Memories" plays softly in the background::
:)

Pretty amazing at how time flies.

Zooey's new skills include:

pulling herself to standing

fine-tuning her pincer grasp and becoming a pro at finger foods

I don't know if this is really a skill...but she throws herself forward like she wants to crawl then squirms around on her tummy before getting real irritated and rolling over. If it's not a new skill, it's still pretty cute! She also hoists herself over our legs on her tummy.

says "boo" when she sees her books; "ba" when she sees or is playing with a ball; "mama" when she gets really upset - and looks right at me and reaches

Zooey LOVES:

books

standing, holding onto our fingers

baths in the big tub

yogurt melts

cheese

independent playtime

grabbing necklaces

our new dog Tiny

tickles

a big red bouncy ball

animals

Zooey hates:

diaper changes

...not much else. She's pretty easygoing.

Time with Zooey is so sweet. Sometimes I think about how, when you're going through something really hard, that time seems to drag on forever. It's awful. You feel like you'll never pull through it. But when you're going through something wonderful, like motherhood, like enjoying my baby's short, sweet, amazing babyhood, time flies by at a warp speed and you try with all you can to hold onto it. Tonight, I walked into the nursery to take a quick peek at Zooey, fast asleep, before I turned in. I had to catch my breath at how big she is! She was, only nine short months ago, this little tiny peanut in the very middle of her crib, and now her arms stretch and she touches one of the sides. She is so tall in pictures, and when she was propped up next to another baby her age at the park, I was shocked that she was actually taller. It was as if some weird thing in my head wasn't allowing me to see her as that big. :) I peered at her across the room at a party, and I noticed, with pride welling up inside me, her beautiful smile, her happy personality. She's growing into such a little cutie, and it is my privilege to be her mom. Every day brings something new (to both of us!), every day I am humbled, every day I love her more and am astonished at the blessing God has bestowed on us in her. I am so excited to see what the next months hold - crawling, walking, running, talking, playing new games, reading, learning...so much to look forward to.

Did the tri and reached my goal

2010-06-28T14:27:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I completed the triathlon. It seems all that freaking out and pre-race neurosis was for nothing, because I beat my overall time (for this race) by 6 minutes! My second goal was to hit my pre-pregnancy goal by race day and I am now under that weight by almost five pounds. It was a lot of fun, and I was reminded of how empowered I feel once I cross the finish line. It's always good to have a fitness goal and acheive it. Doing triathlons remind me that I am strong, and this year I also thought a lot about how I want Zooey to grow up in a healthy, fit household. It was good, too, for me to have something to focus on other than mommyhood. :)

Freeze!

2010-06-26T21:04:00.003-06:00

I have to wonder if all mommies have moments where they wish they could stop the clock, scoop their children into an embrace and just hold them there. The last eight and a half months have gone by faster than any other period of time in my life. I look at Zooey and I want to freeze everything about her right now; I don't want to ever forget it. And yet, I know that someday my job as mommy will be as complete as it can be, and she will be grown leaving these brief moments as memories. And I know that every stage will bring more fun, memorable moments along with it. I want to remember...

...the way she smiles and wiggles her whole body in joy when I go in to get her up from sleep
...the way she practically jumps out of my arms to get to Daddy when he gets home
...her fast, excited breathing when she's happy and can barely contain herself
...the way she practices making different sounds in the backseat while we're driving somewhere
...the way she furrows her brow in concentration when she's reaching for her finger foods, or when she falls backwards as if to say "what just happened?"
...how she daintily toys with my necklace then squeals and tries to put it in her mouth
...the way she snuggles on my lap as I read to her
...the weight of her in my arms as she stares outside when she wakes up

There's so much more. I replay these moments in my mind each day before I go to sleep - the sweet blessing she is and how much fun we have together as a family. It is all just so sweet...it leaves me without words.

An adorable giveaway

2010-06-22T16:05:00.001-06:00

The Chronicles of a Babywise Mom blog is doing another amazing, cute giveaway. I am hoping to win and crossing my fingers that I do. The stuff is just too cute! Check it out: http://www.babywisemom.com/2010/06/product-review-boutique-patterns.html

Zooey is 8 months old today!

2010-06-05T20:17:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe that we have but four months until Zooey is a year old. Last year at this time, I was 22 weeks pregnant. Halfway there, looking forward to a week off from work for our last kids-free vacation for a very long time. I remember looking forward to that trip, the time I would get with Ryan alone and wondering how our future trips would be. I've been on two short trips with Zooey, one alone and one with Ryan and his family. There were some areas where it was tougher, but she was also such a blessing; she enhanced the trips. Don't get me wrong, I know Ryan & I will take some much cherished alone trips away from our kids, but I think my perspective is just a little different. I now see that it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I enjoy her so much that I want to spend every minute I can with her. :)

So - Zooey is 8 months old. She weighs about 16 lbs., 6 oz.; I don't know how long she is, because our next check up is next month.

Zooey LOVES:

"where's Zooey?" and "peek-a-boo"

independent playtime

bathtime in the big tub

pulling toys out of a basket and examining each one

books

Daddy. He's like a rockstar in our home.

her jumparoo

her tiny doll that says "I love you"

her bunny that goes with us whenever we go bye-bye

her "Raffy" the giraffe

having her tummy and chin tickled

going for walks and actually stays awake and talks now

when we open the blinds

Zooey dislikes:

being away from Mommy - even in the same room (separation anxiety has started)

strangers

having her arms touched in bathtime, getting lotion on them or getting dressed

waiting to eat

Zooey now:

rubs her hair when she's sleepy or self-soothing - it's cute!

eats some finger foods (more for practice at this point)

stays up about 2 hours at a time, give or take a few minutes

...and as of last week, she sits independently!

The Leap of Categories

2010-05-30T14:44:00.003-06:00

My feelings toward leaps are twofold. First, I love that my daughter is learning new skills and that her brain is growing. On the flip side, being the "Type A" that I am ::read: control freak:: I hate what these leaps do to our daily routine. I also don't like the fact that these leaps are seemingly scary and confusing to my baby, who definitely shows it with much fussing instead of being her happy self.

I am obsessed with getting enough love sleep. If I don't get enough sleep, I like to whine to everyone who is around me will take a nap. I am SO happy we have a baby who sleeps 12 hours at night. SO happy! We worked very hard with Baby Wise from Day 1, just like the book talks about, to get her to sleep through the night. That was, in fact, our main goal for picking Baby Wise as a parenting book at first. We now feel that the –Wise books have a lot of "wise" information in them for rearing a tot and plan to read some more of them. Anyway, my point is that I'm glad we worked hard, and I'm glad it worked.

When Zooey goes through a leap, sleep is the last thing she wants to do. Seriously. That and eat. This time, the leap seems to be coinciding with a growth spurt, so the eating thing isn't an issue, but she's been waking up between 5:00-6:00 in the morning and not sleeping well for her naps. At first I thought it was because she had a cold, but it was a short cold that's almost gone, and the early waking is still happening. Throw the fact that she's learned to sit up independently ::Hooray!!:: and we have a completely messed up routine.

So, once again, we're employing CIO. Once again, I must change my perspective to being happy that Zooey's learning a new skill and waiting for about 2 weeks for her to get back to normal. Vent over. This leap is actually kind of exciting! It's called the Leap of Categories. Around week 37, babies begin to comprehend that everything has a category and practicing new skills. This applies to everything they learn about, for example, a spotted horse and a brown horse are both horses or Moto and Snowball are both cats or (most excitingly) Zooey, Mommy and Daddy are all people. The book states that some scientists believe this is the age where real intelligence begins. The world of categories helps baby interact on a new level with the people around her. I'm extra excited that she's sitting now, because good toys for this wonder week are blocks of different shapes and sizes, picture books, stacking toys and toys/household items that are in the same category. We have some of these, and I've been waiting to use them until she could hold herself up and play with it in front of her. It's a lot of fun to see her growing into the little person she will become.

I think it will be interesting when I have another child to look back on these wonder weeks and see if I feel the same way with the next one or if some of the stress will be gone, because I will have two kids to focus on. Time will tell…

Here's a chart of the leaps. I found it on the Wonder Weeks website. I'm not too sure about that super freaky picture in the bottom righthand corner, but nothing I can do about that. http://www.thewonderweeks.com/images/stories/Book/WW_info_chart.pdf

I've been slacking on my blogging...

2010-05-29T16:57:00.003-06:00

We will see how long this post is, as I think Zooey's in the process of dropping a nap and I may have to go get her very shortly. Life with a baby = little time to blog. There is so much that's been happening on all the fronts of my happy little blog.

On the "oh my gosh does she really think we care" front, we made the decision this week to eat less meat and try (insert overexaggerated drumroll) tofu! For those that know Ryan, this is a BIG deal. And get this - much of it was his idea! So far, we've tried a lovely little tofu stirfry that I threw together for lunch: tofu cubes sauteed in olive oil and garlic then stir fry in the brocolli, purple onion and red bell pepper seasoned with soy sauce and hot sauce; serve over hot brown rice. Delicious! I also made tofu spaghetti, which tasted like spaghetti sauce. I was in a hurry, but I'll let you know how it goes when I decide to actually make my own sauce. I'm excited about this change and hope it will last, as I know it is much healthier for us. We aren't foregoing meat completely, we just won't be eating it as much as we were. If you have any good bean or tofu recipes (or cookbook referrals), please let me know! My husband will not eat a dish with only veggies - there has to be some source of protein. I promise to share any good recipes I come across, too.

Growing in the importance scale here, Zooey is finally on a four hour routine. For those who follow Baby Wise or the Baby Whisperer type of routine, you know that it is nice to have blocks of 2+ hours when you don't have to be home, so "baby can nap." Plus, with all the nap problems we were having, I'm happy to report that the extended schedule actually helped her daytime sleep (I was sooo scared it would hinder it), and she's getting the rest she needs. She's also extra super happy, even with an impending leap on the way, and I promise to post some uber cute 8 month pic's in :sniff, sniff: a week.

It has been so nice to get out and about this summer. So far we've been to the zoo twice, the aquarium and the botanical gardens. I was thinking this morning how this time of year used to be so exciting, because it meant Ryan & I would be heading on our "anniversary vacation." This year, I'm just excited that Zooey's growing and can do more. Along with her physical growth, her sense of wonder grows by the minute, and it's so fun to watch her get interested in things and figure out the way the world works.

My mom finished her chemo and radiation this week. I know I've been somewhat silent on this topic on my blog, but that is because I had so many raw personal emotions about the subject that I decided to journal elsewhere rather than make it so public. It's been a trying experience for our family to watch her go through this. This past week has been extra hard on her, and she's having a very rough weekend. The sensation of not being able to get comfortable no matter what she tries is driving her crazy. The dr. gave her some med's to help her relax, and we're all praying that they will work quickly. In the midst of this whole thing, God continues to answer our prayers. She hasn't thrown up, not once. She had insurance and financial worries answered this week in a positive way. God has shown us all verses and sent us people to encourage us. My faith has grown and once again I have learned how dependent I must be on Christ and how He is in control - not me. I know some of you read this to learn how she is doing, and I wanted to tell you that her treatment has ended. Please continue to pray for quick recovery and that the treatment got rid of all cancer cells with no return.

And...I'm done with the post and it looks like I may even have time to prepare dinner before she wakes up. So nice!

Zooey is 7 months old today!

2010-05-05T08:14:00.008-06:00

I cannot believe it! I know I say this every month, but I just...can't. It amazes me how fast time has gone, how big she is getting. I have a slideshow of pictures as my screen saver, and there's one of her in a sleep sack when she was about 1 month old. I had to roll the sleeves twice to make it fit her little arms. She still wears that sleep sack, and although comfy, she will soon outgrow it. So many times each day I look at her, smell her sweet baby head and kiss her sweet smooshy cheeks and think about how much I love her. Daily I think about how I cannot wait until she walks, about how much fun she will have next year when we visit the zoo or how she'll enjoy different foods, etc., and yet I cherish these moments when she's so small and I can snuggle her up to me.

Zooey now has eight teeth! Her top two middle teeth came through last week. Maybe we'll have a break for awhile?? I've read that if babies teeth early they'll usually get their molars by the time they turn one or shortly after, so the next few months might just bring more teething fun. And, yes, I'm still nursing. Yes, she's bitten a couple of times, but she listens pretty well when I tell her no firmly and won't bite again until the next teeth come in and her mouth hurts. She's getting so close to sitting on her own. We practice several times a day, and she will sit for a couple of seconds then fall over on us. I think she gets frustrated that she can't sit for longer or move around where she wants to go. During her independent play time, she sits in her bumbo chair in her play pen where she takes all her toys out of a basket then throws them down. Sometimes she can't quite bend over far enough to pull out one of her balls, and she gets so frustrated! She'll end up turning herself and getting her leg stuck, so we have to go fix her. It's cute, but I think she'll be happy once she can just sit in there and get what she wants. She also seems really close to rolling from back to front. Ryan & I have to wonder if she doesn't just make the move because she hates being on her tummy so much! She'll flip onto her side but she goes no further. She will make it soon enough. In the past few weeks, Zooey's fallen even more in love with her jumparoo. Her feet really touch, and she just goes crazy jumping up and down and squealing with delight. She also loves books. I open the pages, and she laughs and kicks her legs. She is really starting to look at the pictures and "talks" to them, too. My sweet little girl is in a sleep sack for all her naps now, and she seems to be slowly moving herself to a 4 hour routine; she's done it about three times in the last couple weeks. I've decided not to push her too much, but now that I know she can do it, it gives us a little more freedom to run errands or something without as much worry about getting her down for a nap. The girl loves to sleep, though! It wasn't until I kind of accidentally figured out her waketime can be longer by keeping her up when I was out that I noticed she could do it. She'll go down after about an hour and ten minutes and sleep for a good 2 hours for each nap. She's like her daddy - he likes his sleep, too. :) I'm still making her baby food, and she's tried so many things that she loves. One thing I love about making her food is that there's a lot more variety than the store bought baby food. Her new favorite thing is watermelon. We put it in a fresh food feeder for her, and she sucks all the juice and melon out then begs for more. It's very cute! Zooey has begun to enjoy my runs a little more. She doesn't just immediately conk out and go to sleep anymore; she will stay up longer and look around or look back at me. When Ryan goes on a walk with us, she'll pretty much stare at him the entire time. She loves him so much. He walks into a room, and she smiles, laughs and reaches for him. She gets pretty excited about her grandma & grandpa and Aunt RaRa and Uncle Rey, too. Even more exciting than us boring people though, are the cats. Our cats, Sarah's cats, Grandma's cats, Zooey loves them all. She's started to reach for them, and sometimes in the morning, it's just the motivation she needs to sit up when she sees Snowball. I could go on and on, but these are the highlights that really stand out to me from the last month. She's just so precious.

I feel so blessed to have Zooey and to be a mom. I pray daily that Ryan & I will be a good example to her in all that we do. It's just such a privilege to care for her. God knew what He was doing when He gave parents this amazing, fragile, helpless little baby to help raise into adulthood; the bond we've formed with her even now is so strong, and we want nothing but the best for her. I can't wait to see what each day of every month to come holds.

It's hard not to compare

2010-05-03T16:25:00.002-06:00

Isn't it?

You're little, you compare yourself to your sibling...that one probably doesn't go away completely for most people. You compare yourself to your friends - your dad can beat up their dad, your outfits, your boyfriends, your grades, your activities, your bodies. You compare yourself to strangers - their hair, their occupation, their "look," their confidence level. You compare your kids to other kids - why isn't my kid sitting? crawling? standing? walking? We put on a facade of "caring" but in all honesty, all we're really caring about is ourself 96% of the time. But why is it so hard to stop? Why, when God made us all individually unique? Why, when all you have to do is look around at others' beauty and see that God saw so much more than that when He created us? God should inspire confidence! We are, after all, fearfully and wonderfully made. Hoping and praying He will inspire that confidence in me this week, and not just for myself, but for my family as well.

The Four Hour Schedule

2010-04-30T09:44:00.003-06:00

Here I was, all wondering whether Zooey would ever move to a 4-hr. schedule, not trying to push it, trying to accept the fact that she might not (which would've been fine), and it looks like she's moving herself. I was reading up on Babywise, which says most babies can move to a 4 hour schedule sometime around 6 months; some babies actually go to one around 4 months. The Baby Whisperer, Tracy Hogg, says that most babies can and should move to a 4-hour schedule around 4 months. Zooey was not one of those babies. I was looking at Hogg's info. online, and she has a schedule in her book, "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems," on page 230 for moving from a 3 hour to a 4 hour schedule. I looked at it and realized that Zooey is indeed moving herself to a 4 hour routine. She long ago dropped her 4th nap, and the current schedule we have is smack-dab in the middle of the transition. Hogg says the change could happen over a period of 15 days, but I think it takes a little longer for some babies. Normally our routine is:

7:30 - wake, nurse, solids
8:40 - nap
10:30 - wake, nurse
11:45 - nap
1:30 - wake, nurse, solids
3:00 - catnap
4:00 - wake, nurse
6:15 - nurse, solids, bath
7:00 - bedtime

The last two days, however, Zooey seems to be stretching it more. Sarah & I took Zooey to the zoo, and she went 4 hours without a feed. She was happy as a clam, except a little tired. That was 2 days ago. Yesterday, she went roughly 4 hours without any pushing on my part, for all of her feeds. Our routine was like this yesterday:

7:15 - wake, nurse, solids
8:30 - put her down, but she didn't want to nap...fell asleep at 10:00
11:00 - wake, nurse, solids
12:00 - she was exhausted from missing most of her first nap and slept 3 hours
3:00 - wake, nurse
4:30 - nap
5:30 - wake, we had some things to do so we tried some puffs while I finished making dinner (she did ok, but I'm still not sure she's 100% ready)
6:00 - nurse, solids, bath
7:00 - bed

...AND, she slept all night to 7:30 this morning. I seriously thought she'd wake hungry in the night, but nope. Now we'll see if it was just a fluke incident from having her schedule thrown off at the zoo or if she's truly moving herself. What she did yesterday is actually the next step in Hogg's move to a 4 hour routine. I wonder if she will move to that, then slowly move to the ultimate goal? Time will tell.

Cherishing my Zooey tonight

2010-04-25T21:02:00.003-06:00

How did I get so blessed to have such a sweet little baby, my Zooey? How is it that I was given such a precious gift? I look at her...she is such a source of immense joy for me. She is definitely one of the "perks" of this earthly life. I read a story today about a lady who had her sweet baby early this morning; he passed away this afternoon. I held my sweet Zooey and rocked her as she cried for an hour, completely missing her nap for whatever reason, and I cried. I cried for the poor woman who lost her sweet little boy, and instead of going home from the hospital with her bundle of joy, she will go home and plan his funeral. I cried for the sweet little baby, who although I know received pain meds and was surely on palative care, who I know received an outpouring of love in his sweet life, also knew a life of pain, of labored breathing. I cried tears of thanksgiving and from a cherishing heart for my little Zooey. I took on a whole new perspective of this time. I was thankful for the opportunity to hold her through these tears, thankful for the chance for time with her. That story just broke my heart and made me cherish what I've been given so much more. My prayers are with this sweet family, and my heart breaks for them. I don't understand why God allows what He does. I really don't...soooo many things I don't fully understand. But I can say for certain that He touched my heart and made me think about how fragile life is today and how my life, Zooey's life, Ryan's life are all in His hands. I can only imagine the impact this story made on many others, as well. Maybe He's even pointed someone to Him for the first time. And I know for certain that this sweet little baby is with Jesus now - perfect in form, probably being rocked in His arms, knowing perfect love and perfect peace. And although I don't understand it, what better life is that to have right from the start?

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

2010-04-20T16:33:00.002-06:00

Do you remember that song from when you were little? I sing it to Zooey before her naps (we used to just do "Jesus Loves Me," but she started to cry the second she heard it and I thought that most inappropriate). :) haha. Anyway, I digress. I sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" then it's "me and you and Daddy," "Grandma and Grandpa," "Aunt RaRa & Uncle Rey..." you get the picture. I was thinking today as I sang what a true, simple statement that is. As my mom began her treatment today, I cried several times throughout the day. I hate to think of her hooked up to poison and the radiation shooting into her body. I hate that she feels fine now, but that the side effects to lead to a hopeful cure can be so rough. I prayed all day that God would minimize those side effects for my sweet mom. And the tune "He's got MY mom" in His hands played over and over and over. I'm so thankful for that sweet children's song to get me through today. John tells us that no one can snatch us out of His hand when we are His. Grateful doesn't begin to express how I feel that nothing - no illness, no disease, no person, nothing - can snatch my mom out of His hand. I can't control her situation, but I'm so glad I have such a big God to entrust her to.

Sunrise

2010-04-13T12:42:00.003-06:00

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill

And find that . . .
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night,
You are sunrise

You are sunrise

~Nichole Nordeman

SIX Months!!

2010-04-08T16:00:00.001-06:00

I cannot believe Zooey is six months old! I look at pictures of her from when she was a newborn until now, and I can see her little personality come alive in the changes. She is so much fun, and the more I get to know her, the more I love her. She is amazing.

Zooey has five teeth, and another one is working it's way in - oh my! Fun for her when she gets to eat food, not always so fun for the nursing momma. She's still in a little bit of a "leap phase," and I don't think the sunshine period has quite hit, yet, but I'm waiting for it. Meanwhile, I can tell she's working on some new skills. She's really starting to enjoy her jumparoo; she's short (like her mom & dad), but her little toes are finally touching the ground and she manages to hop a little bit now. She really likes the toys on it and you can really see the look of concentration as she examines them, then tries to make them do what they're supposed to do. She also does this with the faucet at bathtime; she stares at the water and loves to try to grab it to no avail. She's talking more and has said "ma-ma," "uh-oh," "da-da," "la-la," "ah-goo" plus many, shrieks, squeals and silly noises. The words are pretty indiscriminate right now, but it's still fun to have a conversation. Zooey's beginning to cry more often when Ryan or I (mostly me) walk away from her, but even when she does, she stops pretty quickly as she becomes distracted. Zooey rolls from tummy to back all the time now - she won't even stay on her tummy if we put her on it! Yesterday, she rolled from her back to her side once, so I know the full turn is coming soon. She's now doing independent playtime twice per day, once for 15 min. and once for 20 min. We've started putting her bumbo chair in her playpen with a basket next to it. She likes to take all the toys out, nom on them with her mouth and throw them to the other side of the pen. It's very cute and just another way we can really see the wheels turning in that little brain. Zooey loves the cats! Whenever she sees one, she squeals and pumps her little arms and legs in excitement. She tries to pet them, but she usually just grabs their hair, so I kind of have to guide those little hands to be gentle. Zooey's also really starting to enjoy her books; she gets excited and talks to them when I read to her, and sometimes when we're done nursing and she sees one, it seems like she's trying to reach for it. She also loves dancing with me or Ryan and when we lift her high in the air for airplane; these two things are always a sure bet for laughter.

I feel a sense of complete, unadulterated pride when I see her doing each new task. To me, she is the smartest, most beautiful baby in the world. Biased, I know, but pure bliss! Being a mom is amazing, and I'm so incredibly thankful that God blessed me not only with Zooey but with this wonderful experience.

Before and Easter

2010-04-04T19:53:00.003-06:00

I noticed that I look at pictures of my mom, and I think "before cancer." I then get very sad and think about how much better things were before we had this diagnosis hanging over our heads every minute of every day. I wonder if I will always think this way? I wonder if things will ever feel "normal" again without the gigantic fat elephant invading my brain and every family event and conversation. We were sitting around talking today, and we admitted that we were thinking "what if this is her last Easter?" I realize these thoughts are normal. I realize that as part of grief I will think these things for every major event this year and maybe next year. I realize that the emotion that comes with grief hits the hardest at certain times or seasons. It just sucks. I mean, there's really no better way to say it other than cancer sucks, and I hate it. Oh, and grief sucks, too.

My mom met with Dr. B. this week to discuss her treatment options. As we were informed by Dr. L. after her surgery, her cancer has a final staging of stage 2. Dr. B. explained once again how the sarcoidosis has made her lymph nodes super hard (Dr. L. told her he'd never seen anything like it), so they were unable to take the full lung out which is what they would normally try to do in a situation like hers where cancer was found in these lymph nodes and where some other mass was spotted. In the next three weeks, she is to eat a lot of protein and try to gain some weight. Sometime around April 19th, she will begin radiation treatment five days a week for 7 weeks, and on the first & last 6 days of that she will also undergo chemo. Here is where I stopped typing for a bit to gather my thoughts and emotions. My mom is...scared. I cannot imagine. I myself am scared to see her go through all that pain. Scared to see her ill and weak and unable to eat. I mean, who wants to see their mom - the one who nourished them from birth, the one who painstakingly cared for them when they were sick, the strong one, the one they still call up when they don't feel good or need advice - undergo such treatments? No one I know of. However, I know that the treatment beats not treating it. Stage 2 gives her a statistic of a 50-60% survival rate, which brings us all hope.

I went to a first birthday party yesterday. When the boy's mommy handed him off to someone else, he would start crying and looking for her. She had to reassure him she was there, either by rubbing his back or talking to him gently or holding him. That's how I feel. I feel like a one year old with separation anxiety who clings with all their might to their mommy, except in this case, the one I am clinging to is Jesus. He's the ONLY constant. I don't know what I would do without Him, and as I celebrated Easter this year and thought about all He endured and how He conquered death victoriously and rose from the dead, the thing that touched my heart and my soul the most was that Jesus walked in human flesh, so He gets it. He gets pain. He gets suffering. He gets temptation. And I am thankful beyond words that my Lord put on skin and died for me. Without Him, I would be completely lost; I would be nothing. In this and every situation, I wouldn't know where to turn. He is constant. He is Savior. He is my Comfort and my Friend. Praise be to God for His great sacrifice and the victory He alone could claim.

On another note, Zooey had great fun this Easter. She really likes going to church and being in the nursery; all the workers say she's a great baby and loves to watch the other babies. I bet she's thinking of how fun it will be when she can crawl around! We had a nice brunch at our house with my parents, sisters & their hubbies, my nieces and nephews and Grandma. Here are a couple of cute pic's of Miss Z from today.

Dropping the swaddle...notes for next time

2010-04-02T15:04:00.004-06:00

We've decided to drop Zooey's swaddle. She's getting too big for it, and at 6 months I don't really think she needs it developmentally. I bought a couple summer sleep sacks, because it is SO HOT here in the summer, and her room is extra hot. Yesterday was day #1 with her 3rd nap. Today, after talking to a friend, I decided to start just swaddling her lower half (no arms) and move to the sleep sack after she's comfortable with that. Today's been rough. Lots of crying and waking early and more crying. She rubs her eyes and gets mad, I think. It's so weird, because she goes 12 hours at night with no swaddle and has always slept well at night without it (since 2 mos.). I guess she just got used to it during the day. She went down fairly easy for her 3rd nap; we'll see if she sleeps the normal length.

Updated 4.30.10
Zooey was a baby who needed to move slow for dropping the swaddle. We've decided to continue to swaddle her trunk until she can sleep with a blanket. As she grows, we may change to using just a sleep sack. If we do that, we will take the same process we did for dropping the swaddle. It took Zooey 3 weeks to completely drop the swaddle, because I read some good advice to go slow. Zooey had been napping with one arm out for awhile, so week one we did both arms out for her catnap. Week 2, we did her afternoon nap, and week 3 we did all 3 naps. She is sleeping well with no problems. I know some babies can drop it over a couple of days, but Zooey must be like her mommy and not like change. :)

Ahhh...bargaining...

2010-03-28T19:25:00.002-06:00

...always the stage of grief that doesn't usually stick around long for me. I was sitting there doing my BSF lesson last night, thinking of how much the notes applied to my life and my mom's life right now during this season of suffering, when all of the sudden I was struck with the pangs of grief. Depression hit me. I don't want my mom to die. That thought is SO scary to me. What would I do without her in my life? It would be so hard to go through life without her. When you think about it, if you have good parents who are a sweet blessing to you like I do, they've always been with you. I mean, literally, they are the people who have always been in your life. As soon as that thought entered my head, I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't believe my mom is going to die from cancer. But of course, whenever you try to stop a thought it lingers even more than before, so a part of me voiced to God, "God, if you let her live, I will be a witness to your name for healing her." That's where I stopped, asked for forgiveness and submitted to God's will once again. I can't do anything if that's God's will, and God certainly doesn't need me to glorify Him. But there it is. Bargaining.

Fish Fillets With Baby Spinach & Balsalmic Vinagerette

2010-03-28T19:18:00.002-06:00

Page 283 in the BHG New Cookbook. I was hesitant to make this dish, because Ryan isn't really a vegetable guy. But, even he loved it! It was super fast at 30 minutes from start to finish, really fresh and "spring" tasting and, best of all, it is heart healthy and low fat. I served it with asparagus and baked sweet potato. I would highly recommend this dish if you're looking for something fast, fresh and extremely delicious. The spinach wilted just enough that it still had that fresh, crisp taste to compliment the hot fish and crisp-tender onions and sweet bell pepper. Some might think the asparagus to be too many greens, but I'm a veggie gal myself. It would also have been great with pears on the side.

By the way, I should note that I am not "5-star-ing" myself for my awesome cooking skills when I give a rating to the recipes. :) Ryan and I got this cookbook when we were first married and decided we would try recipes then mark it with a 1-5 rating based on whether or not we liked it or would make it again.

Another Developmental Leap

2010-03-27T11:51:00.002-06:00

Does your mind ever get "stuck" in time? Let me explain. Time moves SOOO fast, especially with a baby, and for the last month I've been thinking Zooey was in her 21st week. I know she's actually in her 25th week, but it's like my brain got stuck not wanting to believe she's almost 6 months - 6 months - old! Anyway, a couple of things triggered my brain to actually look at my calendar and see how many weeks she is: she's been waking up at night, around 10:00-11:00, crying, she's been staring into space all the time pondering the universe, she cries when I walk away from her, she hasn't been very hungry with solids or nursing. Well, DUH!, she's smack-dab in the middle of a developmental leap. The 26 week leap is the leap of relationships. The book says that everything babies know about their world will change during this leap (which lasts anywhere from 1-5 weeks, the average being 4, and peaks at week 26 then ends). They learn mommy or daddy can walk away, and as far as baby knows, they've gone to China. They learn that everything has a relationship with something else: things can be inside, on top of, outside, beneath other things. They learn that there is always distance between them and mommy, which can be very frightening. After the leap, they will start showing the new skills they've been learning: physical, emotional, stacking, playing, etc. This leap is a little different in that most babies have another mini-fussy period around week 29 as separation anxiety peaks. After the leap, like always, there will be a "sunny" period between weeks 30-35 when baby will be extra happy and show the progress of learning all the new skills they've picked up. Until the next leap somewhere around week 37.

Knowing about these developmental leaps makes the fussy times with Zooey easier for me. Since I am following a schedule with her and am pretty type A, it could be easy for me to go into a frenzy when the schedule isn't working the way I want it too; however, knowing about the leaps makes me more relaxed. I know she's learning something new, and in this case it can be frightening, so I want to be there for her. I know that as long as I stay as consistent as I can that leaps only last a certain amount of time and soon we'll be able to get back on track. Plus, it is really fun to watch for her new skills and applaud them when they finally show up.

I also know there is another pretty big growth spurt around 6 months, so rather than worrying about my milk supply or if something is wrong, I know I can nurse her at night, put her back down and the growth spurt will end soon enough, as well.

I will admit, when I have to get up at 5am for BSF on Saturday morning, it makes for a rough night when Zooey wakes up twice and I'm up for an hour each time (I don't know how you working mommas do it - props to you!). However, as a dear friend wrote on her blog, and I'm paraphrasing, God uses these sweet, quiet moments to bond me to my little girl, and when I take on that perspective rather than one of irritation about being up in the middle of the night, I am able to cherish the moment, cuddle up to her, talk to God and go back to bed feeling relaxed.

86 days and some minor hyperventilation on my part

2010-03-26T08:49:00.002-06:00

Here's my text from Jenni the other day: "88 days until our tri - make sure you workout today :)". Yikes. That is the point I realized that while I can ride the bike trainer for an hour + or do Power 90 or my psycho-aerobics routine for 45 minutes, I cannot run more than 1/2 a mile. Ummm...the run portion of the race is a 5k...after swimming .25 mile and biking 17, so yeah. If I don't get my butt into gear, I'm a lost cause. <> All I can think of is the last time I did the 5430 tri, my first one, I was exhausted by the time the run came, and it was a zillion degrees outside and I walked most of it. I'd like to do a little better this time. I'm going to try one of two things: starting off at a mile today and slowly increasing my mileage, or, if I feel like my ankles/lungs/legs are going to fall off doing that, I'm going to try this couch to 5k in 9 weeks program which will integrate some walking time. http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml I'm not gonna' lie: my problem is pacing myself. I go all gung-ho then wind up out of breath. Running with Zooey in the stroller actually helps that, I think, because I don't wear my iPod and can really focus on my breathing and pace. My plan is to go out with her a few times a week. And pray for motivation.

Inspired by "Julie & Julia"

2010-03-26T08:46:00.006-06:00

I saw the movie Julie & Julia when I was up visiting Jenni, and I feel somewhat inspired. I'm not going to set a deadline and be all "I'm going to cook every recipe in this book - one a day" or anything like that; however, I have realized that my dinner routines have become rather blah lately, and I want to change it up. I am a big fan of the Better Homes & Gardens New Cookbook. The recipes almost always taste good (I say almost, because there are things I don't like or Ryan doesn't like - the recipes containing those things are obviously not a hit), the directions are pretty clear-cut and they're pretty easy. The other morning I decided to try making new recipes once or twice a week. At first I almost went back on my decision, because some of the recipes looked kinda' tricky. But I persevered and started with some easy ones.

First, I made "Ham Balls in Barbecue Sauce" on page 353. I bought a smoked ham from the meat department and ground it in my food processor (which on a side note has become my favorite appliance for cooking!). I made my own bread crumbs. True to the book, the prep only took me 20 minutes and really wasn't that hard - even with making the sauce, bread crumbs and grinding the ham. Because of the high altitude and a faulty meat thermometer, the recipe did take longer than 35 minutes; it was closer to 55 minutes, but I think if we had a good thermometer, it would've been more like 45. These meatballs were delicious! Everyone loved them. We will definitely be making these again. The meatballs are about 1/3 cup mixture each, and I think if I made them smaller and made a bit more sauce that this would also be a great potluck recipe. Overall, a 5.

Second, I made "Artichoke-Turkey Casserole" on page 434. The recipe was also pretty easy, and the preptime was accurate at 20 minutes. I substituted canned artichoke for frozen, because I couldn't find it. I steamed a turkey breast for the meat. I forgot the bacon, which may've made this recipe better. The recipe called for 1/2 tsp. thyme; Ryan and I both felt the thyme was overpowering. I will probably try this recipe again and only use 1/8-1/4 tsp. thyme and definitely use the bacon. Overall, a 2.

A quick update...

2010-03-18T16:27:00.002-06:00

My mom is home and doing well; she's actually been home since Saturday. It's so nice to see her home! It was very hard to see her in a lot of pain in the hospital, but she is so strong...she amazes me. I don't know if I could deal with all that if I was in her shoes. We meet with the oncologist again on March 31st to get the final staging and figure out when chemo/radiation will begin. I am once again thankful that God has given me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, because it will enable me to care for her and go with her to appointments and stuff. His timing is so perfect. I am also thankful that Ryan gets home by 11:00 or 12:00 most days, so I can leave Zooey with him when I need to. These are all good things.

My anxiety has been really awful lately. Without getting too much into it, I will say that one thing I'm really trying to do is workout more to help. When I was working out 5-6 days a week, I felt pretty good, even when stuff was going on. Now I just have added motivation to get my butt in gear! Thankfully, Jenni is my faithful workout accountability partner...and also reminds me that we have a triathlon in 12 weeks that I just might collapse and drown if I don't do something soon to train. So, I got on the trainer yesterday and went on a walk/jog with Zooey today. It felt really good, and I'm hoping by starting off slowly that I can keep my motivation up.

Update on Mom

2010-03-10T19:42:00.003-07:00

Just copying the e-mail I sent out to the e-mail group to update those who read the blog. I will send out more info. when I have some more time, but juggling hospital/baby/hospital time is taking up most of it. Thanks for your prayers! :) Sorry it's late, but this is from yesterday morning.

Thank you once again for your faithful prayers. They continue to be a blessing to us. As you know, my mom had the surgery yesterday to remove the tumor in her lung. To summarize, this surgery entailed removal of half her left lung. The surgeon, Dr. L., came out afterward and explained to us that he was able to remove all the tumor – praise God! In biopsying the lymph nodes that were in the lung lobe’s path (these are a different set of lymph nodes that the ones that were biopsied a few weeks ago), he found one of the lymph nodes was positive for cancer. He took out about some other samples which they freeze for four days then biopsy (apparently something can show up in that time period which does not always show up immediately). There was also another mass in her lung. He could not tell whether or not this was a satellite tumor or something else, because my mom’s lymph nodes were “rock hard,” which he assumes is due to the sarcoidosis. These lymph nodes are attached to the pulmonary artery. Because of these two things, he was not able to take out the rest of the lung; it was just too risky. He even called the oncologist, Dr. Bauman, but both doctors agreed that not messing with it was the best course of action for now. My mom will now have to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Until we meet with the oncologist, we are assuming this puts the final staging at stage 2, as Dr. B. explained to us last week. Both doctors said how strong my mom is and they agree that she will tackle the chemo well and that the chemo and radiation will wipe out the cancer.

My mom was pretty groggy last night when we got to see her, but she is in recovery. She is doing well with her “breathing exercises,” and even when I was there, she continued to improve on them. She will be in the hospital for 3-4 days; Dr. L. said it will most likely be 4 days. She is in some pain and is a little disheartened with the news that there is more cancer, as we all are; however, we know that God is in control and that He “works all things together for the good of those who love Him,” even this. He is a big God, and He is the Great Physician – we know that since we are seeking Him, He is ultimately the one in charge of her treatment and her prognosis. He is so good to answer our prayers for successful removal of the tumor, keeping my mom well prior to and safe during the surgery and for giving our family peace. We would appreciate your continued prayers for the following:

Protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family.
Quick healing and recovery for my mom from the surgery and minimal pain.
Quick progression of treatment when she is healed, wisdom for the doctors, effective chemo and radiation which removes all traces of cancer & that the cancer would not spread.

Thank you for your prayers.

May God bless you and keep you; may His face shine upon you.

Jesus IS Alive!

2010-03-06T21:50:00.002-07:00

The Lord really gave me the words for this e-mail I sent out to family and friends regarding my mom's cancer update, so I'm just going to post it here. It best describes what has happened this week. The oncologist visit was on Wednesday the 3rd.

'My mom met with her oncologist today, and my dad, Sarah & I once again went with her. I am so happy to say that the brain MRI was negative for cancer (but, of course – positive for a brain :) ). This puts my mom’s cancer at stage 1. From the beginning of this journey, my whole family has seen God’s hand at work. I know some of you might be saying to yourself, “How can you say you see God’s hand at work in something as awful as your mom having cancer?” First of all, because we totally trust my mom’s life to the Lord. Every breath she has is a gift from Him, and He will cause the breath that is to be her last to escape from her – there is nothing any of us can do about that. Second, there are many small details that have shown us His sovereignty through all of this. I told you before that she wouldn’t have even gone to the doctor herself for this cough; the only reason she went to the doctor was to get established and just happened to mention this cough she has. I myself go to the same doctor and saw her about 2 weeks ago; she said she was sorry to hear about my mom. She said her gut was telling her not to do a chest X-ray, but “something” (I will add that we know it was Someone) told her to do it anyway. I will not bore you with repeating the tests that then took place; however, I will say that every single doctor involved in this process has commented – multiple times – at how fast this process has taken place for her. Apparently, the speed at which her appointments and treatment options have been presented to her is quite unusual. That, my friends, has been a huge answer to prayer. The thoracic surgeon told my mom that he would be praying throughout the lymph node biopsy that there would be no cancer. How sweet is that?! Today, at the oncology appointment, God literally took my breath away. Dr. B. walked into the room saying, “Congratulations.” My mom has a condition called sarcoidosis in her lymph nodes. It’s a type of autoimmune disease that can lay dormant for many years. This condition can, apparently, flare up sometimes when someone gets cancer. Sarcoidosis is most likely what was causing my mom’s cough – not the tumor. And, if she hadn’t been coughing, she wouldn’t have mentioned any health problems to the doctor, and the cancer would not have been detected as soon as it was. Dr. Buaman then said that the last time she met with my mom that she was very confident (unfortunately confident) that my mom had cancer in her lymph nodes and that it was stage 3 cancer. She said that although she’s been “fooled before,” it’s only happened one other time before. She said this is something that is “talked about a lot” in cancer education, but that it happens less than 1% of the time. God is so good. All the time, He is good. Please do not misunderstand me; if the results had been different, if she had stage 3 cancer, I fully believe that God has still been revealing Himself to us throughout this process. He is teaching us that He is the Great Physician; He is in control; He can do the impossible; He gives us strength. Just today, my mom said she picked out a necklace awhile ago and never knew how much she would cling to the verse inscribed on it: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” This is what God is teaching us – that in the midst of trial, suffering, tribulation, fear and uncertainty, HE IS HERE.

My mom goes in for her surgery to have 1/3 of the left lower lobe of her lung removed on Monday. The doctor is also going to remove the lymph nodes in the pathway of the lobe. Once the surgery is complete, Dr. B. (the oncologist) will look at the tumor and the nodes under a microscope to first determine if there is any microscopic cancer in the nodes and, depending on those results, give the cancer a final staging. If there was microscopic cancer in these lymph nodes, the final staging would be stage 2, and at that point she would need some chemotherapy. We would greatly appreciate your continued prayer for the following:

- Wisdom, steady hands for the doctor performing the surgery on Monday; peace for my mom, quick recovery and minimal pain.
- The surgery to remove all traces of cancer and God would continue to prevent it from spreading.
- Final staging of stage 1.
- Continued protection from spiritual opposition and continued peace and strengthening of faith for our family."

Zooey is 5 months old today!

2010-03-05T12:20:00.005-07:00

And I continue to fall more in love with her. This month I really saw Zooey's personality come out more, and she is such a happy little girl. She talks and laughs almost all the time. She really only cries if she's very hungry, very tired or in some sort of pain. The rest of the time, she is very mellow and very happy. She is such a joy! In a month where we experienced a lot of unsurity and sadness with my mom, she was a constant little ray of sunshine.

This was a big month for Zooey! She found her thumb (finally), although, she doesn't seem to be much of a sucker. She spits out binkies, she sucks on her thumb for a bit then stops. We'll just have to see what she does in the future. She got her first three teeth, and it looks like another one is on it's way through any day now. She likes to play with her teeth - either by running her tongue over them or putting her fingers in her mouth. It's been a rough couple weeks with teething, and I have been bitten a few times, although not too bad (let's hope it stays that way or stops altogether). Zooey was pretty miserable for a few days, but she always perks right up once those painful moments are gone.

We started Zooey on solids at the beginning of her 5th month, as recommended by her pediatrician. She's a big girl, you know! Born at 8.2 and now weighing 14.4! She started with cereal once a day, then we worked it up to 2, then we started oatmeal and fed her solids 3x per day, and finally introduced some veggies. I have really been enjoying making her baby food. It's a lot of fun, and I love knowing that I am preparing something for her to eat. It's an act of love, and I really like doing it. So far, she's had squash, green beans, sweet potatoes and pears. The pears are new this week, and she's not crazy about them at all. Maybe she'll be like her aunt and prefer veggies over fruits - nothing wrong with that. :) I'm sure we will just need to give it a little longer.

Two nights ago, she slept her first 12 hour stretch. Wow! Dropping the dreamfeed wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but that's probably because I got all of my mopiness out of my system before we did it, and God was good to answer my prayer that it would be a smooth transition for us. It improved her nighttime sleep and her naps; she has dropped her 4th nap of the day in the last 2 weeks.

She's so cute! Now she sits in her highchair and watches me fix dinner, then we sit down to the table as a family (I'm sad to say this is a first, at least consistently, for us) before she eats and has bath and bedtime. We talk and chat, and she hams it up for Daddy every night - I foresee a Daddy's girl for sure! She's also discovered that she can bang her toys on the highchair and drop them on the floor to make quite the exciting noise. :)

Zooey has also started to have independent play in her playpen. Most of the time, she really likes it, and it gives us some time to do a couple of things when she's awake. She likes to look at the fan or grab her toys and squeal/laugh/talk to herself. It's nice to know she enjoys her time to herself; I'm hoping this will transition into a good quiet time period for her when she's a toddler.

Nursing continues to be going well (except for the biting), and I am so thankful that God has allowed me to nurse her for this long; I pray that I'll be able to do so until she's a year old. Zooey's little hands have started to wander when she's eating. She grabs my shirt, my necklace and just moves that little hand all over the place trying to explore. I'm sure she'd grab my hair if it was long enough! I don't know why, but I just find this cute. I'm going to make a special necklace for her to hold onto while she's nursing.

I'm sure there is so much more that she's learned and done in the last month that I'm completely forgetting, but these are the things that stand out to me. It's neat to see her learning skills and taking everything in. It must be pretty cool to see so many fun, new things every day. Zooey is my precious little blessing, and I am so thankful for her. Parents always say you'll never understand the love, protection and joy you feel in your children until you have one. I am truly getting that more and more every day.

A silly kind of grief

2010-02-26T15:17:00.003-07:00

My shrink (yes, I have a shrink; long story for another day) says that you grieve when you lose anything. He always likes to give the example of losing your keys. You lose your keys and say "Oh, they're around here somewhere" (denial). Then it's "Now, honey, I'm going to shave your eyebrows off when you're sleeping, because you moved my keys!" (anger). Then it's "Dear God if you help me find my keys I swear I'll drive my car right over to the shelter and do community service" (bargaining). Then "Sigh. I lost my keys. However will I get around? I just don't know what to do" (depression). And finally, "I lost my keys. Time to make a new set and move on" (acceptance).

The reason I say this is to defend my silliness about grieving finally dropping Zooey's dreamfeed. I am weaning her off this feeding this week. I moved it to 9:30 for a few nights and was ok. When I moved it to 9:15, I was still fine (read: Denial). But then I moved it to 9:00 and shortened the feeding. I started "bargaining" with all the reasons she still might need it: to help her sleep at night, to get one last snuggle in...she doesn't need these things. I can tell she's ready, and in fact, she's been ready for a few weeks now. She barely swallows, and sometimes it causes her to wake up and fuss when she could've just been asleep. I direct my anger at Ryan (or whoever) for not understanding my silliness of grief. And I feel the tears welling up (baby tears, I'm not a crazy person), so there's depression. I know I'll cry the last night I do it, which will be Sunday. I've said before that the dreamfeed used to be something I couldn't stand doing. I wanted to go to bed and sleep not stay up and get in one more feed in. I wanted Ryan to do it. :) It has, however, become my most special, precious time of day with Zooey. For me it is one last snuggle. It is walking in her room and seeing her fast asleep with her little arms spread above her head and her little chest rising and falling. It is breathing in her sweet baby smell as she nuzzles up against my neck when I pick her up. It is rocking her for a few minutes afterward and hearing her breathing and little sighs and calming down before I turn in for the night. It is holding her when she is calm and a baby - something she will only be for such a fleeting time in her life. She is just so innocent, so sweet, so dependent.

The dreamfeed has become that perfect moment in recent days where so much has been chaotic and scary. And as much as I love it, it is time to let it go. I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because it is one of the first of many things that I am going to come to love that I will have to let go of in order to do my job as a mother successfully: to raise Zooey to be a self-sufficient, independent adult who can go out into the world on her own. As I think about this, I cannot imagine it. It seems like it's someone else's child I'm thinking about. However, I know it's Zooey, and based at how fast time has flown by, I know the next 18 years will fly by too. I just wanted to sit down and reflect on this sweet thing lest I forget it (like I ever would!).

So, you can call me silly if you want; that's ok. :) I'm sure moms all over have "grieved" silly little things as their little ones grow.

His Unfailing Love

2010-02-23T11:34:00.002-07:00

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice, because You have rescued me." ~ Ps. 13:5

The doctor called my mom back with the AMAZING NEWS that there is NO cancer in her lymph nodes. She was too excited to really pay attention to what caused the spots on the PET scan, but she will find out the next time she talks to him, which will be when she goes in to have the tumor in her lung cut out. I cannot even begin to express what an answer to prayer this news is. God is SO good. Although in my heart I had hope (and let's be honest, I think this hope was keeping me in that denial stage I wrote about earlier), I didn't really want to believe the hope. I thought that hope was too good to be true, so although I clung to faith that God could absolutely take care of this and do the "impossible," it was still so hard to believe. I am so full of joy that I cried tears of joy.

This most likely means her cancer is Stage I, which means it can be treated soley with surgery (most likely). We are still praying that the brain scan tomorrow will be negative, God will continue to keep the cancer from spreading, the surgery will get all the cancer out for good and that God will continue to give us peace and protect us from spiritual warfare.

Do not get me wrong - if this prayer had been answered in another way, say she did have cancer in the lymph nodes, I would still be thankful for answered prayer and continue to submit my prayer to God, knowing He is fully in control. I am just so thankful and am rejoicing that He has strengthened our faith and encouraged us with this news. PRAISE GOD!!

Grief - Denial

2010-02-21T20:02:00.003-07:00

I know that throughout the journey with my mom's cancer I am going to grieve many things. Death is not the only thing people grieve. We grieve anything that is lost. I will grieve the loss of "function," or realizing my mom isn't as healthy as we thought she was, that she will not always be here with us. I went through this when my dad had his heart attack 2 years ago, as well. I will grieve the loss of day to day things, like when she's sick from treatment and we can't just pick up and go to lunch or visit on end about random things. I will grieve a lot of things, I'm sure, prayerfully and hopefully not the end of her life here on earth; that's something I'm completely unprepared for. Grief sucks. There's no other way to put it. It's awful, especially in the magnitude of something like cancer. I've been down the ol' grief road several times in my adult life, and each time I think to myself that at that very moment it is awful being an adult. It's something that makes you want to crawl up on your mom's lap and cry and just be held, you know? It's strange, it's like I know what to prepare for: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You can go through them one at a time or several at a time and not always in that order...that's the textbook stuff. And yet, every time you go through the grieving process it's different. It cuts you in a new way. It changes you, and if you let God, He'll change and strengthen your faith through it. He'll let you climb onto His lap and cry.

That being said, there is one part of grief that isn't so bad, and that's denial, and I've got it bad. I am SO in denial about my mom's cancer. I can sit at breakfast with my family and go shopping with my mom and hardly think about it. Someone can ask about her treatment options, and she can make a joke about not pushing the shopping cart because she's the sick one, and I swear to you - it's as if they're talking about someone else. I can't describe it. It just doesn't phase me in the way that it "should" phase me because it's my mom. I am in complete denial. Denial. Not "nice" but definitely takes the jagged edge off of depression and anger, doesn't it? And when I leave Zooey's room from her dreamfeed (still not dropped, but that's a whole other story...) and get ready to turn in for the night, the depression and/or anger hit me like a ton of bricks. Do I let myself feel it? No. I shut it off and go to sleep. I know it'll come...I've done this gig before. Right now I'm just letting my subconscious do the thinking and trying my best to enjoy everything else. I'm also praying my heart out that the lymph node biopsy and brain MRI both come back negative.

As Lazy as a Hibernating Bear

2010-02-19T21:20:00.003-07:00

Let's see...I haven't worked out in a week and a half. I've been shoving food into my mouth like a high school boy. I'm going to give myself slack, though, due to the recent developments in "life." As of today, I have 17 weeks and 2 days until my tri. Due to being even lazier than my current state during my entire pregnancy, I can't run more than 1/2 mile. Who knows how far I can bike, but when I ride my trainer I feel like my butt is going to fall off and I can't breathe. Swimming is currently out of the question, so we'll tackle that at a much later date. My plan is to run 3x next week and cycle 2x (either at home or at a spin class). I'm also going to up my veggies & fruit, getting in at least 2 fruits and 3 veggies a day, and I'm going to drink my 10 glasses of water every day. Here's to victory! :)

Because I put it out there

2010-02-19T13:50:00.002-07:00

Teething sucks. Here I am all "la-dee-dah-maybe my baby won't have a horrible time teething." Today has been awful. Poor little Zooey has been fussy and crying her little eyes out practically all day long. She'll be happy for a minute with her link or teether, then the toy will hit her gums and she gets going again. :( I feel so sad for her; all I can do is let her naw on my finger, because that seems to help. Let's hope these teeth (yes, we think we see 2) come in quickly and next time won't be quite so tough on the little girl.

My living room looks like Fisher Price threw up on it

2010-02-18T21:13:00.004-07:00

Seriously. I used to have a nice, cozy feel with room for guests to sit and chat. Now I have a swing, jumparoo, playpen, activity mat and don't forget the baby blanket, Boppy and burp cloths. It's not like I have room for this stuff somewhere else. It would only block closets and create fire hazards. I guess it's just part of the gig when you have a kid, right? I know someday I'm going to look around at broken vases and disarray and think back on these days with nostalgia, because right now Zooey's not mobile enough to cause damage. I also know someday I'm going to look at pictures of my living room chaos and remember scooping my baby up from each of these various baby items and ache for the time I could hold her in my arms. So - I embrace the chaos of baby toys and cherish every sweet second when my little girl looks up at me from them and smiles.

Hewwo - me has a toof!

2010-02-17T08:45:00.006-07:00

Zooey's first tooth is coming through! I can feel the tip of it on her bottom gums. Very exciting news and ohmygoodness I can't believe how fast she is growing and changing. Ryan & I both teethed early, around 3.5-4.5 months, so I'm not really surprised. I've seen the little white bumps there for about a week or two, but I was a little shocked when looking this morning to notice that it's breaking through. She seemed quite excited, too and smiled when I went on about it. :) The fussiness level actually isn't too bad yet. Maybe she's one of those babies who teething doesn't effect too much.